Dysfunction in families

[Scarlett]

'Dysfunction' keeps coming up to explain why Casey killed her daughter.

 

I'm curious how many of us come from a home with at least some dysfunction.

[pdalley]

'Dysfunction' keeps coming up to explain why Casey killed her daughter.

 

I'm curious how many of us come from a home with at least some dysfunction.

 

 

Long history here - alcoholic absent abusive (violently so to my mother that I witnessed as a child) father. Mother with very few coping skills. I'm amazed that she was able to accomplish all that she did. She was young when she had me and treated me more like a sister than a daughter and that caused some problems.

 

I don't think dysfunction excuses it - explains it maybe. A person is still responsible for their own choices. Too many people have overcome horrible abuses for me to think otherwise.

 

I can't decide if Casey is a sociopath and the parents - not knowing what else to do - enabled her for so long that it became dysfunction or if Casey is the product of dysfunctional parents.

 

I lean towards her being a sociopath though the parents enabling behavior didn't help at all.

[Scarlett]

I lean towards her being a sociopath though the parents enabling behavior didn't help at all.

 

Yes. This is me. Casey is the type of kid who should have been kicked out of the home at age 18. And maybe she would have been had she not become pregnant...when a grandbaby gets thrown into the mix enabling parents just fold.

[Farrar]

That's so vague to me. I mean, my family isn't perfect by any means. But dysfunctional is a broad spectrum. For people who grew up in homes where they're beaten or have alcoholic parents or the like, it may be a clear cut answer. But I would guess that for a huge number of people, they have parents who don't always communicate well or act in mildly dysfunctional ways that effected their lives but at what point does it cross over to become really "dysfunctional"?

[snickelfritz]

That's so vague to me. I mean, my family isn't perfect by any means. But dysfunctional is a broad spectrum. For people who grew up in homes where they're beaten or have alcoholic parents or the like, it may be a clear cut answer. But I would guess that for a huge number of people, they have parents who don't always communicate well or act in mildly dysfunctional ways that effected their lives but at what point does it cross over to become really "dysfunctional"?

 

I was trying to formulate a similar answer.

[Murphy101]

I think it is a cop out.

 

Does it affect people? Sure.

 

But come on. This is total BS.

 

At some point people who are grown adults need to get a grip and accept that they are responsible for their own life and the choices they make and quit blaming mommy for their screw ups and being a turd.

 

Not to mention, I find it insulting to presume that everyone born of low income or of less than stellar parenting is automatically incapable of rational thought and decent living choices.

[Murphy101]

I think people want to place blame.

 

It makes them feel better bc then they can think, "As long as I'm not like those families - that couldn't happen to us."

 

But really?

 

Someone twisted enough to murder their own baby is probably going to do it no matter what.

 

Were her parents dysfunctional? Probably.

 

But if they had been indulging doting parents, the public would sa she was a sociopath bc she was spoiled. If her parents had kicked her out at 18, the public would say she is a sociopath bc her parents didn't help her enough.

 

Whatever.

 

I think her baby is dead (whether by outright murder/aggressive child abuse or accidental neglect) for one reason:

 

She didn't give a d@mn and didn't want to be inconvienenced by that baby.

[GWOB]

I think it is a cop out.

 

Does it affect people? Sure.

 

But come on. This is total BS.

 

At some point people who are grown adults need to get a grip and accept that they are responsible for their own life and the choices they make and quit blaming mommy for their screw ups and being a turd.

 

Not to mention, I find it insulting to presume that everyone born of low income or of less than stellar parenting is automatically incapable of rational thought and decent living choices.

 

:iagree:, especially with the bolded. This is exactly the environment into which I was born. My parents were physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. Yes, it sucked, but I moved on. My parents are not responsible if I go out and kill my kid. They are not responsible if I make a CHOICE to do the same things they did. Also, my craptastic upbringing does not mean I will grow up to be some trashtastic loser. I am in an extremely healthy relationship with a wonderful man. I completed college. I am a darn good parent most days.

 

Casey Anthony is not a victim of her upbringing.

[Scarlett]

That's so vague to me. I mean, my family isn't perfect by any means. But dysfunctional is a broad spectrum. For people who grew up in homes where they're beaten or have alcoholic parents or the like, it may be a clear cut answer. But I would guess that for a huge number of people, they have parents who don't always communicate well or act in mildly dysfunctional ways that effected their lives but at what point does it cross over to become really "dysfunctional"?

 

Exactly. That is the exact point I am trying to make.

 

Does anyone really believe Cindy and George were the first description you gave above?

[Impish]

I think it is a cop out.

 

Does it affect people? Sure.

 

But come on. This is total BS.

 

At some point people who are grown adults need to get a grip and accept that they are responsible for their own life and the choices they make and quit blaming mommy for their screw ups and being a turd.

 

Not to mention, I find it insulting to presume that everyone born of low income or of less than stellar parenting is automatically incapable of rational thought and decent living choices.

:iagree::iagree:

:iagree:, especially with the bolded. This is exactly the environment into which I was born. My parents were physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. Yes, it sucked, but I moved on. My parents are not responsible if I go out and kill my kid. They are not responsible if I make a CHOICE to do the same things they did. Also, my craptastic upbringing does not mean I will grow up to be some trashtastic loser. I am in an extremely healthy relationship with a wonderful man. I completed college. I am a darn good parent most days.

 

Casey Anthony is not a victim of her upbringing.

:iagree::iagree:

[Delighted3]

I voted some disfunction because that was the option, but there was a lot of disfunction in my family and I think all families have a certain amount of disfunctionality. I do believe that people have to grow up and "Get over it and Get on with it." I know 40 and 50 yo's who are still blaming their life choices on things that went on in their families 20-30 years ago. There is a point where people have to take responsibility for their own lives and choices.

JMO,

Joy

[Audrey]

'Dysfunction' keeps coming up to explain why Casey killed her daughter.

 

I'm curious how many of us come from a home with at least some dysfunction.

 

 

I think you have define "dysfunction." I'm told that every family has some level of dysfunction. But... there ARE levels.

 

Having a dad that went to war, came back an alcoholic, but cleaned up his **** and was as loving as he knew how to be -- is that dysfunction? IME, it didn't feel like dysfunction next to the family whose oldest dropped out of school after their bitter divorce and quickie remarriages and never really spoke to his parents again.

 

And that doesn't seem too dysfunctional next to a family whose kid kills her child and the parents help her cover it up and get away with it.

 

So... I can't really vote. I'm not sure what dysfunctional means anymore.

[twoforjoy]

I'd love to meet the people who's families had no dysfunction! I wouldn't say my family was dysfunctional, but I also couldn't say that there was no dysfunction at all. All of my family members are human beings, after all.

 

I had wonderful, loving, attentive parents, and a really good childhood, but I couldn't say my family had no dysfunction. To me, that would imply that nobody ever acted in a way that they shouldn't have, and I don't know any person capable of that.

 

I think there has to be some middle ground between the idea that any degree of family dysfunction is going to scar somebody for life and leave them unable to control their behavior, and the idea that no matter how dysfunctional a family was the children should be able to rise above it and live happy, healthy, exemplary lives by their own strength of will and character.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Hey, we put the FUN in dysfunction. Dad was probably a functional alcoholic. Mom was an enabler. Mom had a horrible temper - I was afraid of her for much of my childhood (people-pleaser that I am could not deal with all that anger.) Both of them came from dysfunctional homes (alcohol issues, abandonment, etc.) Insults were "terms of endearments." Those who couldn't laugh at it all were "just too sensitive." My family wouldn't know a real emotion if it hit them. As the only member of the family who was completely unable to fit into this dynamic, why was I the one in therapy? Oh, yeah. Because the results of this manifested as depression in me. The others self-medicated in one form or another - alcohol, work, exercise and volunteer work (yeah these are good, but not to this extreme), sex.

 

Now, I do have to say that, when we all get together, we can have a ball. I enjoy their company until a certain threshold of alcohol consumption has been met, - then we leave. It's just a shame that real emotions are not welcome. I cannot shed tears in front of my family (years of those "terms of endearments.") When my mom passed away, no tears were shed by my siblings. When one of my grown nieces was crying - everyone tried to make her stop. I just pulled her aside and told her that she has a right to her feelings and it was completely appropriate to express them. I just wish I could have let go as well instead of waiting until I was in the shower.

[Mama Geek]

'Dysfunction' keeps coming up to explain why Casey killed her daughter.

 

I'm curious how many of us come from a home with at least some dysfunction.

 

According to a jury there wasn't enough proof that Casey killed her daughter she was found innocent. That is the way things work in this country. She will have to answer to God, just like the rest of us for the things she did or didn't do. It isn't right that people will continue to say she killed her daughter.

 

Did she do it? I don't know, but I am not going to accuse her now.

 

As far as dysfunction goes there has been dysfunction in my family. My mom has been married and divorced twice, my brother in the past (I truly hope) has been involved in drugs and alcohol. He has married someone that no man in their right mind would marry. I don't figure they will make it a year. I almost ended up divorced several years ago because of what I went through with my parents. Thankfully my dh is as stubborn and hard headed as I am and we found someone who was really able to help us out.

[LaxMom]

I think you have define "dysfunction." I'm told that every family has some level of dysfunction. But... there ARE levels.

 

Having a dad that went to war, came back an alcoholic, but cleaned up his **** and was as loving as he knew how to be -- is that dysfunction? IME, it didn't feel like dysfunction next to the family whose oldest dropped out of school after their bitter divorce and quickie remarriages and never really spoke to his parents again.

 

And that doesn't seem too dysfunctional next to a family whose kid kills her child and the parents help her cover it up and get away with it.

 

So... I can't really vote. I'm not sure what dysfunctional means anymore.

 

I agree. I also think "dysfunctional family" has become a vague catch-all excuse for poor behavior in adults. Yes, ok, perhaps many of us did not have the best modeling as children, but there is just nothing keeping us from looking around at the rest of the world modeling appropriate behavior... And, unless your parents were serial killers and completely open about it, I don't think you can miss a memo about children not being disposable.

 

(I should really stay out of these threads. They make me twitch)

[Murphy101]

She was not found innocent.

She was found not guilty. ;)

 

I think she did something. Who knows what.

 

But duct tape on the mouth doesn't usually kill, so it isn't a murder weapon.

 

So the prosecution had no cause of death or no murder weapon.

All they had was evidence of a crappy lying mother and a strong sense that she likely did it.

 

I can understand why the jury was not compelled to convict based on that.

 

Sucks.

 

But without more evidence, circumstantial or otherwise, it is understandable.

 

We don't or should not send people to jail bc our every instinct says they are turds that deserve it. (tho I think the instinct here is likely accurate)

 

We send them to jail bc the evidence says they committed a crime. There just was not enough evidence here for the jury to do that.

[micheller1]

I think it is a cop out.

 

Does it affect people? Sure.

 

But come on. This is total BS.

 

At some point people who are grown adults need to get a grip and accept that they are responsible for their own life and the choices they make and quit blaming mommy for their screw ups and being a turd.

 

Not to mention, I find it insulting to presume that everyone born of low income or of less than stellar parenting is automatically incapable of rational thought and decent living choices.

:iagree: I could not agree more!! I won't get into my own personal situation but my sister and I come from the same upbringing and while I don't think I am a GREAT mother, I think I am a good, decent mother. I love and adore my children and strive to give them a good upbringing. While my sister on the other hand, wallows in her self-pity and is constantly looking for cake and balloons for her pity party. Grow up and move on will ya? Suck it up for goodness sake.

[Scarlett]

I agree. I also think "dysfunctional family" has become a vague catch-all excuse for poor behavior in adults. Yes, ok, perhaps many of us did not have the best modeling as children, but there is just nothing keeping us from looking around at the rest of the world modeling appropriate behavior... And, unless your parents were serial killers and completely open about it, I don't think you can miss a memo about children not being disposable.

 

(I should really stay out of these threads. They make me twitch)

 

Yes. I agree. That is the point of my poll and this thread.

[NicAnn]

I think you have define "dysfunction." I'm told that every family has some level of dysfunction. But... there ARE levels.

 

Having a dad that went to war, came back an alcoholic, but cleaned up his **** and was as loving as he knew how to be -- is that dysfunction? IME, it didn't feel like dysfunction next to the family whose oldest dropped out of school after their bitter divorce and quickie remarriages and never really spoke to his parents again.

 

And that doesn't seem too dysfunctional next to a family whose kid kills her child and the parents help her cover it up and get away with it.

 

So... I can't really vote. I'm not sure what dysfunctional means anymore.

 

Yes, I think this is true. I think too, that there is a certain level of dysfunction that DOES create a Casey Anthony-like person. (I did NOT watch the trial and I know very very little of the details.). It doesn't excuse it and it's not to say that even people with the most messed up past can't overcome it.

[Renee in NC]

'Dysfunction' keeps coming up to explain why Casey killed her daughter.

 

I'm curious how many of us come from a home with at least some dysfunction.

 

LOTS of dysfunction here. Yes, there are different levels of dysfunction and different children internalize it differently.

[Mama Geek]

She was not found innocent.

She was found not guilty. ;)

 

I think she did something. Who knows what.

 

But duct tape on the mouth doesn't usually kill, so it isn't a murder weapon.

 

So the prosecution had no cause of death or no murder weapon.

All they had was evidence of a crappy lying mother and a strong sense that she likely did it.

 

I can understand why the jury was not compelled to convict based on that.

 

Sucks.

 

But without more evidence, circumstantial or otherwise, it is understandable.

 

We don't or should not send people to jail bc our every instinct says they are turds that deserve it. (tho I think the instinct here is likely accurate)

 

We send them to jail bc the evidence says they committed a crime. There just was not enough evidence here for the jury to do that.

 

 

What about innocent until proven guilty? A quick search on Wikipedia says the presumption of innocence is a legal right. She was found not guilty by a a jury even though the media found her guilty long before her trial.

 

I am not a fan of hers, I figure she is a pretty messed up person, but I don't think it is right to call her a murderer when she was found not guilty.

[zaichiki]

Dysfunction: is that the reason we all homeschool? :lol:

[Joker]

What about innocent until proven guilty? A quick search on Wikipedia says the presumption of innocence is a legal right. She was found not guilty by a a jury even though the media found her guilty long before her trial.

 

I am not a fan of hers, I figure she is a pretty messed up person, but I don't think it is right to call her a murderer when she was found not guilty.

 

One of the jurors even said today in an interview that they were all sick to their stomachs to deliver a not guilty. She said that saying not guilty was not the same thing as them saying she is innocent. It seems the jurors just all felt the evidence wasn't strong enough for a conviction but it doesn't appear they're happy about it.

[LaxMom]

Seriously, there are people who can claim there is no dysfunction in their family (at some point...)?

 

Those are probably the people who turn out to have 47 bodies in their basement.

[Murphy101]

Those are probably the people who turn out to have 47 bodies in their basement.

 

*snort*

[Joanne]

There is dysfunction.

 

And then their is toxic.

 

And then, pathological.

 

Dysfunction does not make a murderer.

[LauraGB]

Yeah, you're going to have to define dysfunction.

 

My family was not like any of the other kids' I went to school with. It likely was highly dysfunctional. I'm going to guess any of them would say the same about their seemingly normal family.

 

Would my parents cover me if I killed my kid? Uh, no. Would they consort with me to get rid of the body of their grandchild? Uh, no. My parents even offered to call the police on themselves after a tremendously severe punishment for stealing one of their cigarettes to share with my friends (a phone call, I believe, would have landed me in a foster home because my parents would have been hauled off to jail). One thing they were/are is honest to the ridiculous bone.

 

So, if those are the perimeters, my parents will be glad to know they did all right :D. If other thing come into play, I will gladly wave my hand and say we were full of all sorts of dysfunction.

[Sandsam]

I was verbally abused as a child.

 

Background - My dad (a wonderful man) passed away when I was 16. My mom, who was always controlling and negative by nature, became co-dependant on me. I wasn't allowed to have a normal life. I was yelled at, called a 'slut' and treated poorly even though I was a really good kid . There were many nights I dry-heaved in the bathroom after her screaming fits.

 

With hindsite, I should have moved out at age 18. But I didn't, and paid for that decision with many years of my life.

 

That said, I would NEVER hurt my child - or anyone elses!!

[kalanamak]

at what point does it cross over to become really "dysfunctional"?

 

 

I stick to Freud's notion of normalcy: To be able to work and to love.

[DarlaS]

I stick to Freud's notion of normalcy: To be able to work and to love.

 

Whew!

 

My family is actually normal then. Just irritating. :D

[Tohru]

Oh, oops. I voted before reading. I voted "no dysfunction" thinking, I had both parents that lived together and one brother...no divorce, no half or step siblings.

 

Then I began reading everyone's post and realized that, oh okay, is that what we're talking about. My family was VERY dysfunctional too.

[kalanamak]

Whew!

 

My family is actually normal then. Just irritating. :D

 

Here is a 12 second YouTube that sums up my feelings about life:

 

[AnitaMcC]

LOL the poll should have included dysfunctional disaster or some sort of "severe dysfunctional" category... and that would be my FOO.

[WagsWife]

I think it is a cop out.

 

Does it affect people? Sure.

 

But come on. This is total BS.

 

At some point people who are grown adults need to get a grip and accept that they are responsible for their own life and the choices they make and quit blaming mommy for their screw ups and being a turd.

 

Not to mention, I find it insulting to presume that everyone born of low income or of less than stellar parenting is automatically incapable of rational thought and decent living choices.

 

:iagree:

 

This! My upbringing would fill up an entire weeks worth of Jerry Springer episodes...however I did not allow that to define who I was as a person.

 

I saw all the craziness that went on with the people around me, and knew from an early age what I would not allow into my life when I grew up.

 

My brothers OTOH...not so much.

[Jean in Newcastle]

No dysfunction. All the garbage in my life came from outside my family.

[Remudamom]

No dysfunction. All the garbage in my life came from outside my family.

 

Wow, you're lucky.

 

I knew from the age of nine that my dad cheated on my mom. I wasn't clear on all the details, and exactly what it meant, but I knew enough.

 

That was dysfunctional enough for me. Mom and dad are divorced now, and as a matter of fact, he is visiting us right now, with his wife, who is my age.

 

I live with it. It's dad's problem and I'm not making it mine. IOW, I'm responsible for what I do. So is she.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Wow, you're lucky.

 

I knew from the age of nine that my dad cheated on my mom. I wasn't clear on all the details, and exactly what it meant, but I knew enough.

 

That was dysfunctional enough for me. Mom and dad are divorced now, and as a matter of fact, he is visiting us right now, with his wife, who is my age.

 

I live with it. It's dad's problem and I'm not making it mine. IOW, I'm responsible for what I do. So is she.

 

They weren't perfect! My dad tended to yell. And my mom tends to do the guilt thing. But I wouldn't call our family dysfunctional. What is amazing to me is when it hit me like a lightning bolt that the reason my dad left home at 16 and never went back was because of abuse. So he broke the cycle in his life.

[Peela]

I take the term dysfunctional very broadly and consider pretty much all families on the spectrum of dysfunction, especially nowadays. I would say we are all either more, or less dysfunctional in some way, as were our FOO.

I just consider it my job and my responsibility to heal as much of that in myself as I can so as to pass as little as possible onto my kids. They will have their own burdens and I want to burden them as little as possible with mine. WE pass a lot down through family lineages- both wonderful stuff, strength to handle life- as well as wounding. Many people have realised they carry the wounding of ancestors- not even necessarily their own parents.

But our whole society is incredibly dysfunctional. We heal, but society doesn't and we have to live in it, as do our kids.

 

Also, where we are wounded and damaged is also where we can most help others, be compassionate and understand them, if we heal ourselves or at least become conscious. Its not necessarily a bad thing- it's just life.

 

Life is big and messy.

 

It's not that dysfunction is an excuse for anything at all. But it can explain a lot. There is a difference between an explanation and an excuse. One can have compassion for both the victim and the perpetrator and still put the perpetrator behind bars for the greater good.

[GardenTenders/Kim]

Define "Normal"? Every family has some sort of dysfunction. Casey and her attorneys need to pull up the boot straps and take some responsibility for her actions, IMHO.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I stick to Freud's notion of normalcy: To be able to work and to love.

 

This is the one point on which I will agree with Freud. And with that in mind, neither my family of origin or my family now is perfect, but they are functional within normal bounds. And they work with a lot of forgiveness, love and laughter.

[mamato4girls]

I agree with this. I think just like "everyone has issues", everyone has family issues.

They may be severe abuse, drugs, etc. Or they may be typical things- no parent is perfect.

 

 

That's so vague to me. I mean, my family isn't perfect by any means. But dysfunctional is a broad spectrum. For people who grew up in homes where they're beaten or have alcoholic parents or the like, it may be a clear cut answer. But I would guess that for a huge number of people, they have parents who don't always communicate well or act in mildly dysfunctional ways that effected their lives but at what point does it cross over to become really "dysfunctional"?