Am I wrong for expecting this?

[Mosaicmind]

We have never really had to deal with boyfriend/girlfriend issues with our older two kids, but now with ds #3 who just turned 17 has a girlfriend. They dated for about two months, broke up for a couple of months and have been back together since March. Girlfriend has never had a father in the home and she has an older brother. Mom works two jobs and we have talked with her and had her over here frequently along with the girlfriend.

 

Dh and I have several rules regarding this relationship. First when they are together in one of our homes a parent has to be in the home. Another rule is that they are not allowed in each other's room--no exceptions!! There are other rules but for this post those are the ones we are talking about.

 

Today ds asked to go to gf's house and said mom would be there. I found out that mom was only there for the lunch hour and that they were there with gf's older brother all day. I also found out that they are allowed to spend time in gf's room with the door open when they are at her house.

 

I just had a face to face discussion with gf's mom who sees nothing wrong with either one of those things. She asked me when I was going to trust him enough to allow him to do those things. It has nothing to do with trust. I know what can happen when you put teenagers in situations like this and hormones are raging. She understands but says she trusts her dd and my son and believes that there is nothing wrong.

 

I stuck to my values and said that it was my our decision that a parent has to be in the home when they are there and that they are not allowed in a bedroom by themselves (I don't care whether the door is open). Am I wrong? Am I being too protective? Yes, I know that things can happen on dates but that isn't happening because ds doesn't even have his license because he doesn't have a job and therefore can't pay for insurance.

 

I think that I am would be putting him in a position that he is not prepared for if I allowed him freedom to be alone with her in her home and in her bedroom.

[Impish]

Your house, your rules.

Her house, her rules.

 

You can't expect another parent to enforce your rules, anymore than you would allow what she does.

[ktgrok]

I think you are right to insist on a parent being there. There is NO WAY my parents would have let me be home alone with a boyfriend. I did spend time alone in my boyfriends house, and it led to exactly the things you are talking about. (and a pregnancy). If she is telling you she will not enforce your rules or respect them then he doesn't go over there.

 

As for the bedroom thing, i don't know that they can get into any trouble if the bedroom door is open. But, I was never allowed to have a boy in my bedroom so i don't know for sure :)

[Mosaicmind]

Your house, your rules.

Her house, her rules.

 

You can't expect another parent to enforce your rules, anymore than you would allow what she does.

 

Except my son does know what our rules are and what we expect. I guess I would expect her to respect my wishes. And if that's the case they won't be going over there anymore. It doesn't seem any different than if a parent said to me that there son was allergic to peanuts so please don't feed them to him.

[Mosaicmind]

Well the bedroom is upstairs away from all the living areas, so yes they can get into trouble.

[Daisy]

In my opinion, your beef is with your son and not with the gf's mother. He knew your rules and should have adhered to them.

 

Edited to add that I think your rules are completely reasonable and similar to what I grew up with.

[tammyw]

I don't think "her house, her rules" applies in this situation. I say it's "your kid, your rules" and that's what should be respected. If your rules can't be respected by others, then your kid shouldn't be going to their home. But that's just my opinion. I agree on the hormones front - they are crazy at that age.

[TKDmom]

Your house, your rules.

Her house, her rules.

 

You can't expect another parent to enforce your rules, anymore than you would allow what she does.

 

I agree with this.

 

But I also think your ds is old enough to know and follow the rules himself. When I was 17, I kept myself out of questionable situations. I think I'd be having a talk with ds rather than the other mom.

[EthiopianFood]

Your house, your rules.

Her house, her rules.

 

You can't expect another parent to enforce your rules, anymore than you would allow what she does.

 

If she knew the rule though, she should have said directly that she wasn't able to enforce it.

[Impish]

In my opinion, your beef is with your son and not with the gf's mother. He knew your rules and should have adhered to them.

 

Edited to add that I think your rules are completely reasonable and similar to what I grew up with.

:iagree:

I agree with this.

 

But I also think your ds is old enough to know and follow the rules himself. When I was 17, I kept myself out of questionable situations. I think I'd be having a talk with ds rather than the other mom.

:iagree:

[Cheryl in NM]

Your house, your rules.

Her house, her rules.

 

You can't expect another parent to enforce your rules, anymore than you would allow what she does.

 

:iagree: I know it's hard.

 

Gently said, your son is 17, at 18 he can legally do what he wants. He should being staying out of her bedroom on his own. I'm saying that maybe his dad should talk to him about respecting women and why the rules you've set are so important to his future.

 

Anecdote:

After the last kerfluffle with dsd my ds who overheard a part what was going on said to me "ya know Mom, I'm glad that X is the way she is." I said, "yea, why's that?!" He said, "Because it makes me not want to sleep around." Upon further discussion he said that he realized that all she went through because her parents didn't raise her has scarred her and she has so much trouble having relationships now. I know your story isn't like this, but here's how it relates in my mind. Ds will, hopefully, not put himself in positions where he might make a mistake that will scar his child for life. If he does, then I will remind him of this conversation.

[Murphy101]

I think you can make rules for your home, but what the girlfriend's house rules are are not within your control.

 

If you have a problem with what your son is doing, the answer is NOT to expect other families to change their house rules.

 

You are going to have to figure out a way to either get your son to comply regardless of where he is at or adjust your expectations.

 

This is part of dating. You can't choose your kids and you can't choose who they date or for that matter who they marry. All you can do is counsel them and guide them.

 

I wouldn't have even called the other mom. Her rules are her rules. Mine are mine. I'd be sitting son down and discussing our rules and trying to come to some sort of understanding with my son. All other opinions don't really matter and likely wont be as effective.

[*Lulu*]

This is not, IMHO, the other parent's problem/responsibility.

 

Personally I think she is wrong to allow them in the bedroom, but I do not have any teenagers as of yet either.

 

What I do know is that a 17 year old is old enough to know what his/her parents' expectations are, and to abide by them. I'm guessing he could have chosen not to be in the girlfriend's room, or to have left when he realized there was no parent. (At the very least have called to let you know what was going on.)

 

We knew a family that allowed their teens to watch NR movies. My parents did not want me to watch them. If I watched them at my friend's house it was my fault; I had the ability to say I did not want to watch, the ability to leave if they were unwilling to adjust plans, and the mental where-with-all to know and do the right thing.

 

Of course at 17 I did a lot of things that made sense to me at the time, but seem rather foolish looking back!

 

ETA- I think the room rule is an EXCELLENT rule!

Edited June 8, 2011 by BLA5

[Virg]

I think your rules are VERY reasonable. Believe me, you can get into a lot of trouble with the door open to a bedroom. They can hear a parent walking down the hall and that is plenty of time to be ready to be peeked in on.

[Murphy101]

Except my son does know what our rules are and what we expect. I guess I would expect her to respect my wishes. And if that's the case they won't be going over there anymore. It doesn't seem any different than if a parent said to me that there son was allergic to peanuts so please don't feed them to him.

 

Umm. I completely disagree. This is not a 7 year old that needs to be protected from peanuts.

 

This is a 17 year old young man wanting a relationship with a young lady.

 

If he can't follow your rules when you aren't around, then that is a character issue that needs to be addressed in your house, not hers.

 

Bottom line is this is your son's responsibility not his girl friend's mother's responsibility.

 

If your son knew your rules - it was HIS responsibility to leave when the situation changed.

 

I don't think your son is a bad kid btw. I just think this is part of dating. He has to accept that relationships require work and responsibility or they won't work out. If he wants a relationship with this girl - then he has to follow the rules to permit it or risk losing it.

:grouphug:

[Cheryl in NM]

Umm. I completely disagree. This is not a 7 year old that needs to be protected from peanuts.

 

This is a 17 year old young man wanting a relationship with a young lady.

 

If he can't follow your rules when you aren't around, then that is a character issue that needs to be addressed in your house, not hers.

 

Bottom line is this is your son's responsibility not his girl friend's mother's responsibility.

 

If your son knew your rules - it was HIS responsibility to leave when the situation changed.

 

I don't think your son is a bad kid btw. I just think this is part of dating. He has to accept that relationships require work and responsibility or they won't work out. If he wants a relationship with this girl - then he has to follow the rules to permit it or risk losing it.

:grouphug:

 

ITA. With dsd we allowed her spend hours at her boyfriend's house after many conversations with his parents. We thought we were all on the same page. After they broke up we found out that, while parents were home, they were "absent" and dsd did NOT follow our rules. Of course, again, she's a whole other pot of beans. Still, even though we trusted the other parents, it was dsd who was responsible to follow our rules.

[RanchGirl]

I don't think you can demand that she enforce your rules at her house for your son. This is not a 5 year old that she is supervising and feeding snacks, it's a nearly adult male. He can go to the store and buy his own peanut-free snacks if he's allergic to what they have in their house!

 

At least she is being up front with you by stating that she does not feel a need to supervise them. She clearly has a different parenting style than you do. You need to either find a way to get your son to follow your rules when he is not in your presence, not allow him over there at all, or accept that he will do what he wants. Or somehow convince them to spend more time at your place, less time at hers?

 

Right now you are in a dreadful position because she looks like the cool fun mom who trusts them, you look like the strict one that doesn't trust them.

[HeidiKC]

Was the other mom aware of your rules and did she say at some point that she'd go along with them? If so, I'd be TICKED.

 

As far as her house, her rules thing...I think it's a bit different when people are dating rather than just friends. It seems like a good idea for the parents to communicate often, to be on the same page, and hopefully to have the same rules. The consequences of the teens getting themselves in to trouble are pretty serious, and so I think it is more serious that she blew off your rules. (compared to letting a child's friend watch a rated R movie or something). I think that if she thought they were unnecessary and that she wasn't go to go along with them, she should have told you that in the first place so that you could choose how to handle that.

 

Good luck - sounds stressful!

[AK_Mom4]

We have met this monster ourselves.

 

We have similiar rules for our kids. No being in other people's houses without an adult there. At our house, guests don't go upstairs generally because that's where all of our bedrooms are - so it's off limits. Kids hang out in the main area.

 

That being said - if your kid broke your rule about being in bedrooms/houses, then you deal with that. If our 17yo did that, she would be forced to endure the "parent lecture" and then would not be hanging out at the other house. End of lecture. They can always hang out at our house....

 

But I think there is no traction with the other parent - what they permit at their house is up to them - they don't have to enforce "your" rules. I would not go there.....

[Cera]

How much older is the brother? I was raised by a single mother and my older brother was more protective of me than my mother was so I am not sure I agree with your rule that a parent has to be home (he may very well be like a parent to her).

 

As far as being in the bedroom with the door open I think it is iffy. The reality is that he is 17 and very soon will be an adult that has to make his own decisions. I always have a hard time with threads like this because by 27 I was living alone hours from home (college). I think it is better to ease kids into taking responsibility and making good choices than to shelter them and then send them off to college where they are thrown into a completely unsupervised world full of temptation (I saw how badly it went for the kids who came from the strictest families).

[Miss Marple]

In my opinion, your beef is with your son and not with the gf's mother. He knew your rules and should have adhered to them.

 

Edited to add that I think your rules are completely reasonable and similar to what I grew up with.

 

:iagree:

[JFSinIL]

I agree with this.

 

But I also think your ds is old enough to know and follow the rules himself. When I was 17, I kept myself out of questionable situations. I think I'd be having a talk with ds rather than the other mom.

 

I agree.

And, at some point, you have to trust him (and her).

[misidawnrn]

My mom didn't have those rules.at.all....I have a 20 year old son at age 37 to prove it...stick to your guns!!!

[texasmama]

In my opinion, your beef is with your son and not with the gf's mother. He knew your rules and should have adhered to them.

 

Edited to add that I think your rules are completely reasonable and similar to what I grew up with.

 

:iagree: In your shoes, I would not allow time at the gf's house at this point.

 

Everyone has different standards about what they feel is appropriate and while I don't personally find the gf's mom's rules to be wildly inappropriate, if they did not mesh with my own rules and I was not comfortable with him being over there, I would not allow it. I'm kinda strict that way, though.;) Your rules are similar to what mine would be.

 

As you know, if teens want to have s#x, they will, but it is reasonable to expect that your teen son will abide by the rules you set up. In my house, this would also be a good time to have a really long talk about these issues.

Edited June 8, 2011 by texasmama

[Mosaicmind]

DS is in trouble. He knew our rules and went against them so he is being disciplined and I have talked with him. The reason I asked to talk with gf's mother is because we had told her what our rules were when they first started dating and she said "fine" so I thought we were on the same page, then yesterday happened. I also found out that she told ds and gf that she didn't agree with our rules and thought we were being too strict.

 

I have told him that he will not allowed to be going back over there until I know that he can follow our rules since her mother believes they are ridiculous. I just wanted to have a respect between the two of us since our kids are dating but telling my kid that my rules are stupid and saying they can do whatever tells me that she could care less if her dd gets pregnant.

[Janie Grace]

I don't think "her house, her rules" applies in this situation. I say it's "your kid, your rules" and that's what should be respected. If your rules can't be respected by others, then your kid shouldn't be going to their home. But that's just my opinion. I agree on the hormones front - they are crazy at that age.

 

I agree. Too bad she doesn't see eye to eye on the rules, but your son is the one who needs to adhere to them, wherever he is.

[mazakaal]

In my opinion, your beef is with your son and not with the gf's mother. He knew your rules and should have adhered to them.

 

 

:iagree: The gf's mom shouldn't be expected to enforce your rules, but your ds should obey them whether he is in your house or somewhere else. I don't think your rules are unreasonable at all. You need to discuss this with your son and maybe tell him that they can only be together in your home if you can't trust him to obey your rules at gf's house.

[Heidi]

DS is in trouble. He knew our rules and went against them so he is being disciplined and I have talked with him. The reason I asked to talk with gf's mother is because we had told her what our rules were when they first started dating and she said "fine" so I thought we were on the same page, then yesterday happened. I also found out that she told ds and gf that she didn't agree with our rules and thought we were being too strict.

 

I have told him that he will not allowed to be going back over there until I know that he can follow our rules since her mother believes they are ridiculous. I just wanted to have a respect between the two of us since our kids are dating but telling my kid that my rules are stupid and saying they can do whatever tells me that she could care less if her dd gets pregnant.

:iagree: Good! Do what you can to prevent stuff from happening. I didn't grow up with strict rules. I thought I was old enough and that my parents trusted me (when they really shouldn't have.) Looking back, I wish they had given strict rules. It wasn't about me being old enough to be trusted or taking responsibility; it was about protecting me from myself and not getting into situations I couldn't handle. I remember how the hormones override everything I know I should do/not do. Stick to your guns! He's not out of your house yet; you're still the mom.

[Impish]

DS is in trouble. He knew our rules and went against them so he is being disciplined and I have talked with him. The reason I asked to talk with gf's mother is because we had told her what our rules were when they first started dating and she said "fine" so I thought we were on the same page, then yesterday happened. I also found out that she told ds and gf that she didn't agree with our rules and thought we were being too strict.

 

I have told him that he will not allowed to be going back over there until I know that he can follow our rules since her mother believes they are ridiculous. I just wanted to have a respect between the two of us since our kids are dating but telling my kid that my rules are stupid and saying they can do whatever tells me that she could care less if her dd gets pregnant.

I don't see how her disagreeing w/you means she could care less if her dd gets pregnant. I think that's a pretty harsh judgement.

 

She has a different pov than you do. That doesn't make her uncaring or even wrong, just different.

 

Ftr, I happen to agree with your rules. When the time comes, we'll have similar, if not the same.

 

I realize that things get lost in translation online, but it sounds as though you want her to respect your rules, but you don't respect her perspective.

[Lolosoli]

I don't understand why it matter if they are in bedrooms.

 

When I was growing up kids did it everywhere and anywhere....basements, garages, porches of homes....and yes, parents were home! Some parents do not care!!! Having a parent home doesn't mean a thing....

 

I do think your expectations are reasonable though....however, it has to be up to your son to enforce the rules...not the mom.

 

Your son needs to be the one to say, "Sorry, I'm not going to in to your bedroom". He needs to say, "Your mom isn't here..I am going home...would you like to come?".

[ChrissySC]

In case you didn't know, teens have ***. They will do it whether in a bedroom or not. You can only hope that you provided your son with the discernment and ability to judge its appropriatness both for himself and with regard to ethical and moral teachings.

 

I hate to say this - but at some point you will have to let him go. No, it isn't easy. I know. They will have to make their own mistakes. You need to be there when they do. That is the new role. We pick up pieces because we can no longer prevent the breaking. Remember not to be judgemental. Provide advise and possible consequences to any situation.

 

I do think at 17 that it is irrelevant if they are in a bedroom or not. If they want to have ***, they will.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: its a hard time. is your son absolutely clear about why you have this rule? have you looked at stats with him?

 

fwiw, my older two both have said that one thing i said made all the difference to them.

 

"i don't care if you get pregnant, i care if you get dead"

 

(and then i went on to clarify that being pregnant as a teen was hard, and changed your whole life, but that we would make it thru together. but ten years ago when we were having this discussion with the older two, hiv was a death sentence. i went on to say that when they decided they were ready for tEa, they should go with the person in question and both get tested first! and then at separate times we had lengthy and brutely honest discussions about the differing effects tEa has on males and females and relationships, and i asked them to develop guidelines for when they might begin to consider having tEa.... the thought process helped a lot. i am however blessed with kids with high intentionality, so they can and do use their force of will to make choices in tough situations.)

 

fwiw,

ann

[Susan in TX]

I don't think your rules are unreasonable. I think they are wise. But if your son doesn't want to follow them, I'm not sure what you can do. If gf's mother doesn't agree with those rules and won't enforce them then I'd not allow him to go over there. But he might rebel and go anyway behind your back. If he were my son, he wouldn't be allowed to have a girlfriend at all.

 

Susan in TX

[Gailmegan]

There are a few different issues wrapped up in this situation. 1. The other mother disrespecting you. 2. The trustworthiness of your son and 3. The reasonableness of your rules.

 

1. Is a no-brainer in my book. Son is not allowed to be with adults who show such disdain for me/my rules.

 

2. Son disobeyed when he knew the rules. Logical consequences should follow.

 

3. This is tough. I completely understand the desire to protect children from themselves and the raging teenage hormones. It's interesting to me that some PPs have expressed the wish that their parents had been more strict. When I was growing up, I had two church youth group friends whose parents were very strict and never left them unattended. One had sex in the youth group van on the way to a missions trip with youth pastor driving and other students right there. Another got to third base on many occasions like in movie theaters and on amusement park rides. My parents were not strict at all. They taught me what was right and trusted me. Although I probably did more than wise during my college years, I was a virgin when married at 27. So I really think it depends on each child. Only you can judge for your son what is best. But at 17, it really isn't long until he is on his own and will have to use his own self-discipline to make good decisions.

[mhgillil]

I was 17 not that long ago, so my perspective is coming from a recent teen rather than parent of one.

 

With the GF's mom: Your house, your rules and her house, her rules. It would be different if you had a younger child, but at this point, your kid is really almost an adult.

 

With your son: I don't think you're being unreasonable with what you are asking him and his GF to do, or not do, in your home. But there are plenty of other places for them to do whatever it is they are going to do and you do need to trust that you have taught your son well.

 

I think that the best way to at least make sure that they are ridiculously safe if they do anything is to have frequent talks with him and his GF about the possible consequences. I would imagine that neither is prepared for the realities of parenthood and that is, of course, always a risk.

[regentrude]

saying they can do whatever tells me that she could care less if her dd gets pregnant.

 

Not necessarily. DD could be educated about how to prevent pregnancy and STDs.

I would always prefer to have my teens thoroughly educated in this department than to assume just because I have strict rules I can prevent them from having ***. Not realistic, IMO.

[Laura Corin]

I don't see how her disagreeing w/you means she could care less if her dd gets pregnant. I think that's a pretty harsh judgement.

 

She has a different pov than you do. That doesn't make her uncaring or even wrong, just different.

 

 

My caring mother allowed me to stay over with my boyfriend when I was seventeen. She also made sure that I was very well educated about sex and contraception, including giving me a packet of condoms for my sixteenth birthday. I became pregnant at age thirty-three.

 

Laura

[Julie Smith]

My caring mother allowed me to stay over with my boyfriend when I was seventeen. She also made sure that I was very well educated about sex and contraception, including giving me a packet of condoms for my sixteenth birthday. I became pregnant at age thirty-three.

 

Laura

 

(I would put up the I agree smiley face, but I don't like animated images)

 

Having parental permission to have sex, or just lack of supervision of a teen doesn't mean you will get pregnant.

[Amy in NH]

Except my son does know what our rules are and what we expect. I guess I would expect her to respect my wishes. And if that's the case they won't be going over there anymore. It doesn't seem any different than if a parent said to me that there son was allergic to peanuts so please don't feed them to him.

 

:iagree:

 

The two issues are:

1. Your son broke your rules.

2. The other mother did not have a right to tell your son that your rules are stupid and he doesn't have to obey them at her house.

 

Don't allow him to spend time there.

Edited June 8, 2011 by Amy in NH

[sassenach]

I don't understand why it matter if they are in bedrooms.

 

When I was growing up kids did it everywhere and anywhere....basements, garages, porches of homes....and yes, parents were home! Some parents do not care!!! Having a parent home doesn't mean a thing....

 

I do think your expectations are reasonable though....however, it has to be up to your son to enforce the rules...not the mom.

 

Your son needs to be the one to say, "Sorry, I'm not going to in to your bedroom". He needs to say, "Your mom isn't here..I am going home...would you like to come?".

:iagree:

I don't think your rules are unreasonable as guidelines and house rules. However, rules like this, at this age, only work if they are self enforced. They really don't prevent intimacy from occurring. They are fantastic guidelines for wise boundaries, but your son is either going to see their value and self enforce, or isn't. If they are going to have s*x, lack of bedroom or even empty house will not make one lick of difference. Take this from someone who knows.

 

So much of this depends on your existing relationship. If he can come to you, share things and be honest, then he will value your advice. If you are just a rule making/enforcing element in his life, no amount of rules or enforcement will get the results you are craving.

[Rosy]

I don't think you're wrong at all. To me that's part of our kids having friends--supporting the friend's parents. If my kids have a friend who isn't allowed to watch Harry Potter, I wouldn't dream of putting Harry Potter on when said friend is visiting.

 

I do think your son should be able to say "Oops, your mom isn't here--I can't stay. Wanna go to the park instead?" But I also know that teens sometimes need backup when dealing with temptation. And yes, you can get into *plenty* of trouble with the door open. Because to a teen, the door is open even if it's only a crack--open doesn't necessarily mean wide open. And I would guess he will thank you someday for protecting him.

 

DS is in trouble. He knew our rules and went against them so he is being disciplined and I have talked with him. The reason I asked to talk with gf's mother is because we had told her what our rules were when they first started dating and she said "fine" so I thought we were on the same page, then yesterday happened. I also found out that she told ds and gf that she didn't agree with our rules and thought we were being too strict.

 

I have told him that he will not allowed to be going back over there until I know that he can follow our rules since her mother believes they are ridiculous. I just wanted to have a respect between the two of us since our kids are dating but telling my kid that my rules are stupid and saying they can do whatever tells me that she could care less if her dd gets pregnant.

 

Even if she does care about whether her DD gets pregnant, she is way out of line to badmouth your rules to your son and her daughter. She could say something like "your mom does things differently than I do, but we need to honor her request and not hang out in the bedroom."

 

In case you didn't know, teens have ***. They will do it whether in a bedroom or not. You can only hope that you provided your son with the discernment and ability to judge its appropriatness both for himself and with regard to ethical and moral teachings.

 

I hate to say this - but at some point you will have to let him go. No, it isn't easy. I know. They will have to make their own mistakes. You need to be there when they do. That is the new role. We pick up pieces because we can no longer prevent the breaking. Remember not to be judgemental. Provide advise and possible consequences to any situation.

 

I do think at 17 that it is irrelevant if they are in a bedroom or not. If they want to have ***, they will.

 

Actually, not all teens have ***. Some struggle to maintain their virginity, and depend on the parent to provide boundaries. It is easy to get in over your head without wanting to at that age. As long as our kids are under our roofs, we have the right to make and enforce whatever rules we feel will keep them safe. Yes, kids need to learn how to handle freedom, but in my opinion, freedoms are given when kids demonstrate responsibility. And kids might be completely responsible in every other area and still need help in this one. And yes, if they are determined, they will have ***...that doesn't mean we need to clear a path for them to do so.

[Murphy101]

2. The other mother did not have a right to tell your son that your rules are stupid and he doesn't have to obey them at her house.

 

Don't allow him to spend time there.

 

 

Wait! Where did the OP say the ore mom said that? The other mom said she didn't agree with her rules when they discussed his face to face. That is NOT the same as saying it is stupid, much less telling the OP's son that he doesn't have to listen to his own parents.

 

Even so. Our teens are going to meet other parents and adults with different rules. It is up to our teens to live by our rules, not other parents/adults. And in my home, I am allowed to have any opinion I want. He is less than a year from being a legal adult.

 

Crack the whip and tell him he can't go over there. Tell him he can't date her or anyone else.

 

But that is not going to change what he wants to do.

 

I doubt it will even change whether he does it. At best, he will wait some months until he is 18. Then what are you going to do when he is dating another adult you don't agree with? Are you seriously going to call an adults mom to complain about their dating practices?:001_huh:

[Tarreymere]

I had a friend when I was a teen who was allowed to have her boyfriend in her room with the door open. She could hear when someone started walking down the hallway. They did have s*x, and were pretty creative with ways to um, disengage and look innocent within seconds of hearing footsteps.

 

I have never allowed people of the opposite gender to be in bedrooms in my house, no matter what position the door was in. I wouldn't expect a sibling to be a great chaperone either.

 

I know that if kids really want to have s*x they will no matter what you do. I just don't think you as a parent should provide them with a comfortable, private place to do it. I don't think that a parent should make it easy for them under the assumption that 'they are going to do it anyway'. If they are that determined then they can stand some inconvenience, and if it is something they are considering but not sure about maybe the inconvenience will be a bit of a deterrent.

 

Speaking further of friends and parents, I grew up with another girl and our parents were close friends. My mother was appalled that this girl's mother would drive her fifteen year old daughter to spend the night at her boyfriend's apartment. The girl's mother just felt 'they would do it anyway' and that by being open and nonjudgmental she had kept the lines of communication open and that the daughter was using prescription birth control and had taken classes at Planned Parenthood so all would be well. Well, this particular girl got pregnant at sixteen. And again at seventeen. And her younger sister was pregnant at sixteen also.

 

I guess now that you know more about the other parent's stand on these things you need to choose whether or not to allow your son to spend time 'hanging out' at her house. If your son still lives at home he should still follow your rules, even when he isn't in your house. And your son needs to clarify if he wants to go against your wishes and put himself in situations in which he might be tempted to go against the principles you raised him with or if he is of the mind that (like in popular culture) he should go for whatever he can 'get'.

[hsbeth]

In my opinion, your beef is with your son and not with the gf's mother. He knew your rules and should have adhered to them.

 

Edited to add that I think your rules are completely reasonable and similar to what I grew up with.

 

 

 

This:iagree:

[TKDmom]

Wait! Where did the OP say the ore mom said that?

 

Here.

 

DS is in trouble. He knew our rules and went against them so he is being disciplined and I have talked with him. The reason I asked to talk with gf's mother is because we had told her what our rules were when they first started dating and she said "fine" so I thought we were on the same page, then yesterday happened. I also found out that she told ds and gf that she didn't agree with our rules and thought we were being too strict.

 

 

I agree with the others who said that you are dealing with 2 or 3 separate issues here. I'm a long ways away from dealing with this with my own kids, but I'd be frustrated, too. :grouphug:

[regentrude]

I just don't think you as a parent should provide them with a comfortable, private place to do it. I don't think that a parent should make it easy for them under the assumption that 'they are going to do it anyway'. If they are that determined then they can stand some inconvenience, and if it is something they are considering but not sure about maybe the inconvenience will be a bit of a deterrent.

 

 

 

One might, however, take the opposite stance and decide that it is much safer for them, if they want to do it, to be in the privacy of their own home - instead of in the back of a car in some lonely road or alley where much worse stuff can happen...

[Murphy101]

Saying I don't agree with someone and or that I think they are too strict is NOT the same as saying I think they are dumb and or telling kids to not to listen to their parents.

[chaik76]

Saying I don't agree with someone and or that I think they are too strict is NOT the same as saying I think they are dumb and or telling kids to not to listen to their parents.

 

I agree with everything you wrote, but especially this.

[EthiopianFood]

Saying I don't agree with someone and or that I think they are too strict is NOT the same as saying I think they are dumb and or telling kids to not to listen to their parents.

 

True, but if this isn't your implication, why in the world would you tell someone's child that you don't agree with their parent's rules? :001_huh:

[Mosaicmind]

I appreciate all the input. I do have much experience with teens. I have 4 of them right now and one that just turned 21 (2 little ones soon to follow). And I have MUCH experience with teen sex. I was extremely active when I was a teen; my parents didn't care but then they both sexually abused me. As long as he is in highschool and lives under our roof I can control to some extent what he does and where he does it.

 

I got pregnant as a senior in highschool at my boyfriend's house while parents were away. Yes, we could have done it other places but the opportunity never presented itself. Right now ds does nothing outside of the house except go to church, youth group and go to friend's house occasionally.

 

I am not stupid enough to believe that he can't do something with her if he really wants to but if I can show him I love him enough to put these rules into place I will. Just because he can find other ways doesn't mean that I just say well ok since you would find another way anyway go ahead and go over to her house while mom is gone and be in her bedroom.

 

I wish my parents cared enough to ask where I was going to be and made sure that parents were home. I was educated and believed that I would never get pregnant but I was wrong.