Amy+2 Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 It's okay. We all have those days. :) I'm sorry about your brother. Mine died last winter - in a car crash as well. Sometimes I'm surprised at how I don't seem to be grieving his death but yet everything in a day or week is tainted by a bad mood that, in retrospect, is completely related to it. :grouphug: :grouphug:So very sorry to hear that! I completely understand that about the grieving. It is so difficult to loose someone in such a tragic circumstance. No goodbyes...it is sooo very hard to wrap ones head around it. I always wish that my brother could just once meet my boys. They would have LOVED him. Ok, I think I am officially hijacking. No more of this. Thank you for being so understanding.:grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 It's okay. We all have those days. :) I'm sorry about your brother. :iagree: BTW, not all people "ask" for a baby shower. I'm shy about gifts, but gave into one because so many people called and wanted to know if they'd been "forgotten" to be invited. :001_smile: A couple of organization-loving older women set it all up, a patient of mine (who couldn't be there because he was drag racing that weekend) INSISTED on catering it, etc. It was a lovely time, and one of the attendees died abruptly at 39 shortly thereafter, and I gave her widow many happy pictures. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JennyD Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 I haven't been to many baby showers (people I know don't tend to have them), nor have I ever had one myself, but I think that they're a charming idea and don't quite understand why having a shower for a subsequent baby is seen as gift-grubbing. That said, if that is your mother's interpretation, she should absolutely, positively not send a gift. (Just the thought of receiving a gift under those circumstances makes me feel kind of screamy.) She should send a card, if in fact she wishes them well; otherwise, nothing. ETA: Amy, so sorry about your brother. What a terrible loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rivka Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 I suspect that the father-to-be feels as if he has a connection with your father, which is reasonable enough if they are co-workers and carpool together. They are trying to observe the rule that you don't invite one member of a married couple without the other, so they invited your mother too. Boy, did that ever backfire, huh? Are your parents of a generation/culture in which a man would not be invited to a baby shower, and in which a father would not be presumed to be deeply involved in baby preparations? That may be why this is coming off as so mystifying to them. Would it still seem so odd if the genders were reversed? If a young woman had an older woman whom she works and carpools with every day invited to her baby shower? And I don't think it's that unusual to have a later-child baby shower for the first opposite-gender baby to be born into the family. If you don't approve, don't go, but I don't think a huge case should be made out of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 Just FYI, I have relocated with my dear husband 4 times in our marriage. We live no where near our family nor have we ever with any of our moves. NO Micro Culture about it. When we moved the second time I was pregnant. Some people he worked with were more than generous to offer me a shower, to which I politely declined. I had recently gone home to a baby shower and felt that was enough for me. I personally don't like the attention and feel very uneasy about accepting gifts from people I don't really know that well. To each their own, but please, just because I don't agree with you on baby showers, must you have to attack me as not having a life? I really enjoy reading the posts (most of the time) on this board. I wrote that second response due to the fact that one tried to put baby showers in the same category as Christmas. I guess I found that to be a little bit of a strange correlation. Sorry I bothered to post today. Not a good day here. Woah, what?! I was comparing *your* micro-culture to *my* micro-culture. In no way did I say you didn't have a life. :confused: I agree with you. And I also agree I may have come across a little harsh by saying tacky. I do think it must be a cultural thing for some, not for others. Thank you for stating this so eloquently. I guess I have posted with "attitude" today. I will try to go wash that away here shortly. It would have been my brother's 39th birthday today and I guess I am just wallowing in a little bit of sadness and obviously not coming across well at all. He was killed 15 years ago in a car crash. I am missing him terribly today, more so than other days. Oh, and I am not some crazy what do you call them...you know, fake people on the boards seeking some sort of something or other. I have been on these boards for YEARS, including the old boards. So, once again, I do apologize for being brash today. I'm truly sorry about your brother. :grouphug: But within the confines of our rural church with a low median income in this county and a high unemployment rate, constant showers, birthday parties, graduation openhouses, bridal showers, etc....it's offensive. People literally cannot afford to give gifts all the time even if it is only $10.00. The funds just aren't there and it's bad enough if you have to turn down someone you really know, but when you get invited to showers for people you've never met, well, then it is seen as offensive and has having ulterior motives. So, one must always consider the mini-culture in which you live. The thing with this is? The OP doesn't know this couple in the least. I think maybe that's an extremely large factor in seeing it as tacky. It's easier to see someone as gift-grubbing when you don't know them. When you do know someone, you tend to extend them more grace. Even in tight times, I still don't see an extra shower as offensive. If you don't feel obliged, don't go, don't send a gift. I frequently buy gifts for people my dh knows and I don't. It's not outside my comfort zone *at all*. So, *I* don't understand getting so worked up over something that is just not a hill to die on, either way, imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ereks mom Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 I would vote for a congratulatory card, and your Dad should be the one to sign it. If he's feeling generous, he could include a gift card for a department store, which is appropriately generic and impersonal. :iagree: Just a thought: People can have a lot of conversations while they ride around in a car, and this man may consider your Dad a friend. :001_smile:: That's what I was thinking. As for it being a third shower...we have showers for every new baby around here, no matter which number child it is. The gifts change--it's more likely to be diapers and baby bath on child #'s 2-however many--but it's still a fun excuse for a party. It's the same around here. I guess we just love parties. (Really, it's the fellowship.) :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amy+2 Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 (edited) The thing with this is? The OP doesn't know this couple in the least. I think maybe that's an extremely large factor in seeing it as tacky. It's easier to see someone as gift-grubbing when you don't know them. When you do know someone, you tend to extend them more grace. Even in tight times, I still don't see an extra shower as offensive. If you don't feel obliged, don't go, don't send a gift. I frequently buy gifts for people my dh knows and I don't. It's not outside my comfort zone *at all*. So, *I* don't understand getting so worked up over something that is just not a hill to die on, either way, imo. That is what I was referring to by tacky. You hit the nail on the head. I would never invite my husbands carpool friends wife, that I have never met, to my baby shower. That to me is what was tacky about it!! I am sorry I didn't make that more prominent when I was typing out responses earlier. I am sorry too for making a big deal of nothing. Truly, I usually avoid conflict at all cost. I hate disagreement, especially with my virtual peeps. Who most days -even though they have no idea- help me survive!!!:) Edited May 22, 2011 by Amy+2 typos... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cera Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 I am from the "every baby deserves to be welcomed" camp (though I prefer welcome baby parties to showers after the first child). I would send a book or two with a nice card. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Firestar Academy Posted May 22, 2011 Author Share Posted May 22, 2011 That is what I was referring to by tacky. You hit the nail on the head. I would never invite my husbands carpool friends wife, who I have never met, to my baby shower. That to me is what was tacky about it!! I am sorry I didn't make that more prominent when I was typing out responses earlier. I am sorry too for making a big deal of nothing. Truly, I usually avoid conflict at all cost. I hate disagreement, especially with my virtual peeps. Who most days -even though they have no idea- help me survive!!!:) me too. robin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 That is what I was referring to by tacky. You hit the nail on the head. I would never invite my husbands carpool friends wife, that I have never met, to my baby shower. That to me is what was tacky about it!! I saw it like a PP said, inviting the male friend & also inviting his wife to be nice, as it might seem rude to say "You're invited to our baby shower but your wife isn't," rather than "Oh, bring your wife so she'll BUY us something!!!!!". And of course :grouphug: for all the losses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink Fairy Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 I felt felt as surly and negative about it as you and your mom do, then I wouldn't send anything. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
roxanne23 Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 (edited) . Edited January 4, 2023 by roxanne23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 22, 2011 Share Posted May 22, 2011 I didn't have a baby shower until #4. Hardly anyone showed, probably b/c it was baby #4. *shrug* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TrixieB Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 We also have three ladies in our church who love to sew, and every new baby gets a personalized quilt, a soft crocheted blanket and a fleece "blessing" blanket. I just wanted to say -- I think this is very cool! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 background: my parents were invited to a baby shower. My dad works/carpools with the 'father'. my mother has never met either husband or wife. she has no idea why they were even invited.:confused: This is their third child, and my mother thinks one should only have a baby shower for the first child:glare: (i do too, but that's not the point here). they are not attending the shower but my mother feels she should send a gift. ya know, being polite.:001_smile: what would you send?? Robin Well, you asked so I'll answer. I don't think they should send anything because, were it my shower, I'd rather not receive a gift at all than receive the "least tacky gift" that someone (who didn't even think that baby and I deserved a shower) could muster. It's not polite to say snotty things about someone you barely know (or don't know at all, in this case) behind their back. Why send a gift then? Your parents are not obligated to attend the shower. If they feel the way you described in your OP then they should just politely decline. End of story. No pity gifts. And why did you call the husband the baby's 'father' in quotation marks? In light of the other wording in your post, that seems particularly harsh IMO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FaithManor Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Pretty in Pink, I don't think the OP meant to imply anything by that. She was unsure of how to make sure that when she used father twice in the same sentence, once referring to her own dad, and once to the baby's dad, that the second reference wouldn't be mistaken for her dad. She was hoping that she was somehow making it less awkward or confusing but others have taken it to mean something else. She did clarify her intentions in a post about midway through these pages. Faith Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChrisOR Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) The fact is, different communities and circles are different. Every place I have lived, every social group I've been involved with has had different practices. I don't see how a shower for a third baby is begging for gifts or whatever any more than a shower for a first baby is. I agree. I live in Oregon, and had showers for three children. My circle of friends had shower-ing down to a science ... one hostess provided a clean house, one made dessert, one brought beverages, one directed an activity. It was fun! Grandmas, aunts, sisters, even daughters attended. These were very simple showers. I'm interested if these expectations about not having showers for second-born and beyond are regional. Edited May 23, 2011 by ChrisOR Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 (edited) I agree. The vitriol on this board towards people who do things a little differently or who aren't up with the teenniest tiny little fine print regarding etiquette has always left me reeling. It's FAR tackier to assume someone that you've never even met is just asking for gifts. A little bit of grace and a whole lot less "THAT'S TACKY!" judgmentalism would be so nice. I hear you. I've been here quite a long time, but my heart has never been able to adjust to so much anger/pettiness over the smallest/most minor 'no skin off my teeth' stuff. As for a gift. One can buy a nice storybook for very little money. Edited May 23, 2011 by LibraryLover Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura in STL Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I think in the past the rule about not having any showers after the first baby was very firm. When I was born there was a 10 year gap between my siblings and me. I remember my mom telling me that one of her friends wanted to have a shower for her, but she wasn't comfortable with that. It seems to have been relaxed lately. I would not be comfortable with someone having a second or more shower for me, just because I was raised with that idea. It didn't matter about the gender, but of course back then no one knew the gender, anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I'd ask your dad if he and the new dad discuss any sports or hobbies. Then get a gift based on that. Something the dad can share with his son in a few years: a baseball, fishing pole, a cap from a favorite team, etc. Or maybe your dad can make something. Does he do woodworking or any such thing? My dh, a man's man, wasn't impressed by the baby things we received, but he was overwhelmed at a mobile his friend made out of wood. It was personalized for our baby and was so special. Men are thrilled with their new babies, but I don't think they're encouraged to share their joy with other men. This new dad is doing that. I think it's great.:001_smile: And I think your dad could probably come up with an idea for a wonderful, non-traditional gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Unless your parents cannot afford a gift, I think it is the polite and gracious thing to send some sort of gift, even a package of diapers and a book. They do not have to attend the shower. Your father can pass on the gift to the man during the car pool, if he wishes. I, too, do not understand the judgment levied against people who have accepted someone's offer to throw them a baby shower and have invited people whom they want to share this happy event with. Here in Texas, we have parties for everything, and a baby shower for a third baby would not be something that most people would bat an eye over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OnTheBrink Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I don't understand why you're asking about "least tacky gift" …. ? (specific wording there) (of course, I also don't understand why people get their knickers in a twist about showers for 2nd/etc kids… I mean really, is it THAT big of a deal? It's just a fun time to celebrate the coming baby!) Anyway. Ideas: Cute sleepers? crib sheets? receiving blankets? sookies? stuffed toys? teething rings? hooded towels? lullaby music cds? diaper bag? wall hanging of some sort for nursery? Or, it could be that the Dad is really excited about having a boy and wanted to share that with your Dad. :001_smile: People don't normally throw their own baby showers, so if someone else throwing the party, they probably asked for names--and the Dad said, "Oh, hey, invite this guy I carpool with--he's really cool." :tongue_smilie: :iagree: I'd send a book or a picture frame, maybe a soft blanket and call it a gift. Around here, people have showers for subsequent babies all the time. Our church throws the shower for the first baby, and then friends will do the ones for the babies that follow. It's a time to party and celebrate the new life! No one is obligated to attend and no one is obligated to send a gift if they find that so offensive. I don't see why people get so bothered over that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolamum Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Maybe a package of diapers and some wipes.. If they are going disposable route they never EVER go astray. We were given gobs at our first baby shower and it was awesome. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I love babies and baby showers. I wish I would get invited to more of them! :D When I know someone is pregnant, they get a gift! Why? Because I am selfish and just love shopping for baby stuff, even if no shower is thrown. When dh's coworkers' wives have or adopt babies, I run out and buy a gift, even though I have never met either of them. :tongue_smilie: I couldn't care less because every baby deserves something new and to be welcomed and celebrated. I never had a shower. When I was pg with #6, dd(11, almost 12, at the time) desperately wanted to throw me a shower b/c I had never had one. I was SO uncomfortable. I was so afraid of the judgement some here have expressed. Dd invited friends and I was confiding in one of them that I was really nervous and uncomfortable about it. She laughed and said, "The people who love you, who matter, will be there and be happy to be there. To heck with anyone else! Quit worrying about it!" I felt a lot better after that. One of my friends recently had a baby. I was so stoked, I organized a surprise baby shower for her. It was her 5th, 4th boy. Everyone I invited was so excited to be invited and peppered me with questions about what to give her. <3 <3 <3 Not everybody feels like showers are only for firstborns. If one does feel like that, by all means, decline the invite and don't send a gift. That is Ok. But to assign all kinds of negative intent to the mom (IMO) is tacky. Especially when we don't know why the shower is being given - years between babies, financial stress, opposite gender, never had a shower, etc., etc., etc. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LibraryLover Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I was absolutely amazed at the number of gifts dh brought home from people I had never met! First baby, 4th, it just did not matter! They knew dh and so they got his baby a gift! Thoughtful little gifts don't have to be costly. I am always on the look out at thrift stores for beautiful books. I could go to a baby shower and a couple of kid b'day parties tomorrow and have nice books to wrap as gifts. I don't have 10,000 baby books/boxes of toothpaste in my pantry or anything ;), but I certainly keep my eye out for .99 cent hardcover books that I can give to little friends and relatives as gifts. Or even to someone dh sees often but I do not. I love babies and baby showers. I wish I would get invited to more of them! :D When I know someone is pregnant, they get a gift! Why? Because I am selfish and just love shopping for baby stuff, even if no shower is thrown. When dh's coworkers' wives have or adopt babies, I run out and buy a gift, even though I have never met either of them. :tongue_smilie: I couldn't care less because every baby deserves something new and to be welcomed and celebrated. I never had a shower. When I was pg with #6, dd(11, almost 12, at the time) desperately wanted to throw me a shower b/c I had never had one. I was SO uncomfortable. I was so afraid of the judgement some here have expressed. Dd invited friends and I was confiding in one of them that I was really nervous and uncomfortable about it. She laughed and said, "The people who love you, who matter, will be there and be happy to be there. To heck with anyone else! Quit worrying about it!" I felt a lot better after that. One of my friends recently had a baby. I was so stoked, I organized a surprise baby shower for her. It was her 5th, 4th boy. Everyone I invited was so excited to be invited and peppered me with questions about what to give her. <3 <3 <3 Not everybody feels like showers are only for firstborns. If one does feel like that, by all means, decline the invite and don't send a gift. That is Ok. But to assign all kinds of negative intent to the mom (IMO) is tacky. Especially when we don't know why the shower is being given - years between babies, financial stress, opposite gender, never had a shower, etc., etc., etc. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I agree. I live in Oregon, and had showers for three children. My circle of friends had shower-ing down to a science ... one hostess provided a clean house, one made dessert, one brought beverages, one directed an activity. It was fun! Grandmas, aunts, sisters, even daughters attended. These were very simple showers. I'm interested if these expectations about not having showers for second-born and beyond are regional. Yes, I am in Oregon too. But these events tend to be like you said, friends, grandmas, aunts etc..., not the wife of the lady that your husband carpools with that you have never met. Every child does deserve a welcoming from the family and friends that it is coming too, but honestly, there are a lot of children born every day. It is just impossible for every person to welcome them all. I am glad that babies are being born, and I love to celebrate when people I know are having babies. Think of how many more you would be going to if you went to every shower you were one person removed from. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cindergretta Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I love to celebrate when people I know are having babies. Think of how many more you would be going to if you went to every shower you were one person removed from. But here's the thing (IMO): It is the "issue" of the invitee, not the hostess and certainly not the mother. If one is invited to anything to which they feel like they don't want to attend, they can politely decline. Period. Why go so far as to assign all kinds of negative intent, like "Oh! A gift grab." :001_huh: I have hosted different types of parties and I always agonize over the guest list because I don't want people to feel "obligated" to attend. Then, when I leave Jane Smith off, she finds out and says, with a slightly hurt look on her face, "Why wasn't I invited? I would have loved to come!" Oops! You can't win for losing, half the time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hsbaby Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I don't find it tacky. I assume they are just excited about their third baby as their first. I would send a small gift....my go to is a Halo skeepsack just because I loved them:). I didn't have a shower fort third (we had just moved to a new state and didn't know anyone, but it meant a lot to us when people from dh's work, church, neighbors acknowledged our new baby. As we didn't know them well, we received a lot of blankets, outfits, stuffed animals....but we were truly appreciative of everything. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom in High Heels Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 The op states that her "parents" were invited, not just her mom, so maybe it's a couple shower? If that's the case, I don't think it odd at all that they were invited. Hmmm. If showers for successive children are "tacky" and whatever, then I guess maybe it's time that we quit celebrating birthdays after the first one. I mean hey, why should anyone celebrate their birth more than once? Christmas could go too, I guess… it's been done a bazillion times…. OMG, the "it's been done a bazillion times" made me LOL. And I totally agree with the b-day thing. It IS a gift grab and goodness knows kids have more stuff than they need and adding a bunch of other stuff to it is a bit much. For Indy's b-day parties we always ask for donations to a food shelter or in last year's case, dog food for the local pet shelter, since we'd just lost our oldest dog in lieu of gifts because people want to bring something. We specifically state not to bring presents because between us and his grandparents, he gets plenty of gifts. Some people always bring gifts though because they feel they should. We graciously accept them and don't make a big deal about it. In the military community people often do not have any family or close friends to do that. Especially if they have just moved. Plus, because of all of the moving we don't tend to hang on to things like baby clothes, we tend to pass them on. For that reason, baby showers for each baby are fairly common. It's not universally common, every circle is a little different, but it's not out of the ordinary. I never had a big shower with big gifts from family members because I lived cross country in the case of baby #1 and in a different country with my other two babies. Therefore, the little showers among friends were pretty much all of the gifts I ever received. . Yes, absolutely. We lived in Germany both times I was pregnant so my family wasn't around. Friends offered to throw a shower both times and I was touched and grateful to have such wonderful friends. The friends who threw my shower for Han Solo in March were entirely different from the friends who threw the one for Indy way back in 2002. We move about every 2-3 years, so my groups of friends rotates. I was thrilled to have someone offer to do the recent shower. We had NOTHING left over from Indy (8 years older than Han Solo), and I didn't expect big gifts, but was overwhelmed with the amount of gifts and more importantly love I received from these wonderful ladies. Most I've known for only a year or two (again, we all move a lot, so being around someone more than 3 years is rare) and they were all so excited and happy for me. When Han Solo was a month old (exactly) I took him with me to the Spouses Club luncheon and everyone who was at my shower and hadn't had a chance to meet him yet went crazy over him (as they should-he's adorable). If anyone had not wanted to come or bring a gift, it wouldn't have bothered me. In fact a few of my friends were traveling the weekend of my shower (something we do a lot since we live in Europe) and it didn't bother me. But here's the thing (IMO): It is the "issue" of the invitee, not the hostess and certainly not the mother. If one is invited to anything to which they feel like they don't want to attend, they can politely decline. Period. Why go so far as to assign all kinds of negative intent, like "Oh! A gift grab." :001_huh: I have hosted different types of parties and I always agonize over the guest list because I don't want people to feel "obligated" to attend. Then, when I leave Jane Smith off, she finds out and says, with a slightly hurt look on her face, "Why wasn't I invited? I would have loved to come!" Oops! You can't win for losing, half the time. THIS! It's not the mom throwing the shower. Of course I could have turned down my recent shower, but that would have hurt the hostess's feelings, and everyone kept asking when I was going to have shower. I actually had 4 different people offer to throw me a shower! There were a few people that were not on the list (I didn't want it to be too big since it was a 2nd shower), but so many people called and asked when I was having one, I had to keep adding to the list. I originally had just 7 ladies on the guest list, but by the end was up to 23, simply because they asked when I was having a shower. I felt bad having to keep adding to the list, but what was I to do? My shower was lovely and we had a great time. Why should I (or any mother to be) turn that down? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thescrappyhomeschooler Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 If I were in your mom's shoes, I would send a boy outfit or a hat and booties for a boy. But, as a disclaimer, I have no beef with showers for any baby, regardless of the order it arrives. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Mungo Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 The op states that her "parents" were invited, not just her mom, so maybe it's a couple shower? If that's the case, I don't think it odd at all that they were invited. That's what I thought too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2scouts Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Am I the only person who really dislikes baby showers? I had a very small surprise shower with my first child with just a few friends, but don't often go to them anymore. I had multiple stillbirths and the one thing that came up over and over at the pregnancy support group was the pain and indecision caused by baby shower gifts. It was everything from "Do I save them for my next child?" to "My family members who gave me the gifts think I need to give them to the poor relative who's having her first baby since I'm not using them now.":glare: I just politely decline showers and, if it's a good friend, I give them a gift privately after the baby is born. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I agree. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phathui5 Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I don't think I would send a gift if I wasn't attending and it was someone I'm not close with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamajudy Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I didn't have a baby shower until #4. Hardly anyone showed, probably b/c it was baby #4. *shrug* This is so sad. Every baby is a blessing. I don't care if it's #1 or #20! Our first child never had a crib or playpen, so when baby #2 came we were so blessed when someone gave those things to us. By the time #3 came our stroller was worn out. With baby #5, we were blessed with a much-needed double stroller from a friend. Things wear out, clothes get stained, or the elastic goes bad with time. And diapers are always useful. There is nothing tacky about showers for children after the first! That 10th child could be the one who finds a cure for cancer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamajudy Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I'd ask your dad if he and the new dad discuss any sports or hobbies. Then get a gift based on that. Something the dad can share with his son in a few years: a baseball, fishing pole, a cap from a favorite team, etc. Or maybe your dad can make something. Does he do woodworking or any such thing? My dh, a man's man, wasn't impressed by the baby things we received, but he was overwhelmed at a mobile his friend made out of wood. It was personalized for our baby and was so special. Men are thrilled with their new babies, but I don't think they're encouraged to share their joy with other men. This new dad is doing that. I think it's great.:001_smile: And I think your dad could probably come up with an idea for a wonderful, non-traditional gift. :iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vonfirmath Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 If your mother truly wants to send something, she should choose an outfit/diapers. I know this is our second baby and I was not expecting anything, but was amazingly touched by the small baby shower that was thrown, including handmedown clothes and such. There is something about being remembered that really makes one feel loved and a part of things and makes even repeat baby showers worth doing, IMNSHO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LittleIzumi Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 This is so sad. Every baby is a blessing. I don't care if it's #1 or #20! Our first child never had a crib or playpen, so when baby #2 came we were so blessed when someone gave those things to us. By the time #3 came our stroller was worn out. With baby #5, we were blessed with a much-needed double stroller from a friend. Things wear out, clothes get stained, or the elastic goes bad with time. And diapers are always useful. There is nothing tacky about showers for children after the first! That 10th child could be the one who finds a cure for cancer. They did that already :tongue_smilie:. http://www.dca.med.ualberta.ca/Home/index.cfm But I get your point. Every new child is fantastic & a blessing to celebrate!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
5forMe Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 A nice Children's book and a pack of diapers. That's what I send when I can't make it and it is for a subsequent child (meaning they have most baby equip). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lailasmum Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 A fleece blanket. Older siblings often hold onto their blanket so a nice inexpensive present is a pram type blanket in a fleece print. They are usually really easy to find. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Penny_P Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Ironically I just hosted a shower for my bf over the weekend. It's her third child. She and her husband have been having a rocky time- they lost their house and currently live with her parents. Their marriage is a wreck. They had given away everything after the second never intending to have another baby since her pregnancies are so difficult. She needed everything again. In your case I would send a very inexpensive gift - towel or onsie set- if you can afford it. Every baby is a blessing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jujsky Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 It would bother me less that they were having a shower for a third child spaced closely than it would that I was invited and didn't even know the person. I wouldn't send a gift. I was invited to a wedding shower once of the daughter of one of my IL's friends. I had never met this person. I didn't go and didn't send a gift. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Nothing. Sorry that's not the answer you wanted, but I just wouldn't send anything. :iagree: The polite thing to do is RSVP, saying that she cannot attend. And BTW, it has nothing to do with which #baby it is. It is that she doesn't know the people personally. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I was absolutely amazed at the number of gifts dh brought home from people I had never met! First baby, 4th, it just did not matter! They knew dh and so they got his baby a gift! This was my experience with baby #4. Dh worked in management at a hospital when baby #4 was born, and the ladies there (95% of his staff were ladies) insisted on giving a big shower with cake and lots of gifts. It was very, very touching. It would have been considered rude (culturally and otherwise) to decline so I showed up and was very blessed, emotionally more than by the "stuff". Baby #4 had a birth defect which we knew about, and my mother was in a nursing home at the time so it was nice to have some female attention during this pregnancy, which in other ways was very, very hard. I truly appreciated it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 This is so sad. Every baby is a blessing. I don't care if it's #1 or #20! Our first child never had a crib or playpen, so when baby #2 came we were so blessed when someone gave those things to us. By the time #3 came our stroller was worn out. With baby #5, we were blessed with a much-needed double stroller from a friend. Things wear out, clothes get stained, or the elastic goes bad with time. And diapers are always useful. There is nothing tacky about showers for children after the first! That 10th child could be the one who finds a cure for cancer. I think it upset the cousin hosting the shower more. She really expected better from the family. Never having had a shower (baby, wedding, etc) I was just blown away that she suggested it! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I happen to love baby showers be it the first or third. My standard gift is diapers, wipes, baby lotion, baby bath and some Godiva for mom. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I happen to love baby showers be it the first or third. My standard gift is diapers, wipes, baby lotion, baby bath and some Godiva for mom. :D I ever have another baby shower, you're invited!! :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 I ever have another baby shower, you're invited!! :D Sounds like a plan! :D:auto: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Sounds like a plan! :D:auto: Dunno how the travel would work...Germany to Canada...:lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BarbecueMom Posted May 23, 2011 Share Posted May 23, 2011 Am I the only person who really dislikes baby showers? I had a very small surprise shower with my first child with just a few friends, but don't often go to them anymore. I had multiple stillbirths and the one thing that came up over and over at the pregnancy support group was the pain and indecision caused by baby shower gifts. It was everything from "Do I save them for my next child?" to "My family members who gave me the gifts think I need to give them to the poor relative who's having her first baby since I'm not using them now.":glare: I just politely decline showers and, if it's a good friend, I give them a gift privately after the baby is born. I'm so sorry about your losses. I dislike baby showers too and requested no showers with either of my kids (even though we were in a major financial pickle when my oldest arrived). I had two friends struggling with infertility and a party would not have been enjoyable with that on my mind, as much as they tried to hide their sorrow and frustration. A high school friend was terribly upset that I wasn't having a shower, because she thought it would be an opportunity to have a mini reunion. I had planned a lunch date a couple weeks before my oldest was born, and she ended up calling every female we graduated with (eight years before, class of 512), including some who didn't like me or didn't really know me, and inviting them to this lunch date, renamed a "surprise shower". I'm still horrified as to what these girls thought of me, although some of them figured out why happened and thought it was funny. I did find out about it before hand, a couple girls showed up with gifts, and I was gracious and sent thank you notes afterward. I was tempted to keep my second pregnancy a secret just in case anyone tried to "surprise" me again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.