How much you did as a child? how much your children do it relation to how they turn

[Prairie~Phlox]

out. I had a lot of chores, grew up on a farm and now am a pretty driven person when it comes to doing things (as far as things that need to be done around the house, chores, etc) I can't stand clutter, messes, everything has to be put away, etc. My dh grew up in a more well to do family, did have chores to do, but really had things pretty easy. He's not a driven person, I love him dearly, but he can just sit on the couch all weekend if he doesn't feel like doing anything and has done just so. It's hard to get him to start or finish projects, etc. He's always on me about making the kids do more, but I just really don't mind doing stuff, like cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, etc. To me it's a sense of accomplishment. Plus, I'm thinking, even if you make them do it, it makes no difference as an adult? or does it? Is there a correlation between childhood and adulthood as far as drive and desire to do things, what in a person determines that? Just curious and want thoughts on this.

[JennyD]

We had similar backgrounds but turned out the opposite. My DH grew up with very little expectation that he do anything at all around the house -- he was supposed to focus entirely on his schoolwork -- and as an adult he not only has an unbelievable work ethic when it comes to his work, but he is equally disciplined about getting household chores done. Whatever needs to be done, he just methodically works through it.

 

I, OTOH, grew up with tons of household responsibilities (not farm), and while I'm pretty good at taking care of things as an adult, I frequently have to suppress my inner teenager who says, "Even though there are all kinds of things that have to be done I am going to sit here on this couch and read a book and NOBODY CAN STOP ME BECAUSE I'M A GROWNUP NOW HAHAHAHA!!!" :D

Edited May 22, 2011 by JennyD

[angela in ohio]

I think it's partly about personality. I know plenty of families whose dc all had the same work load, yet they turn out to be totally different adults.

 

But in general, yes, I think that children who are shown how to be productive and expected to be a contributing memember of their family will turn out to be more responsible adults.

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

My husband sounds very similar to yours, except mine didn't have ANY chores. I had lots of chores and responsibilities, so I am more similar to you. I have been making my boys be responsible for things and have chores so that they won't grow up to be couch potatoes like daddy. In my not-so-scientific study of all my BILs, the ones who did chores and jobs as kids are much more handy and helpful around the house than the ones who were allowed to slack off.

[snickelfritz]

I grew up with 3 siblings in a rural setting.

 

dh grew up with 3 siblings in a suburban setting.

 

Looking at dh and I, AND all of the siblings......I think work habits are determined by nature AND nurture.

 

Basic personality determines a lot, though the values instilled by parents cause the person to shift one way or the other.

[DarlaS]

I think it's partly about personality. I know plenty of families whose dc all had the same work load, yet they turn out to be totally different adults.

 

But in general, yes, I think that children who are shown how to be productive and expected to be a contributing memember of their family will turn out to be more responsible adults.

 

I think it's a LOT about personality. Probably way more than we realize.

[Lolly]

Probably mostly personality. I had no responsibilities at home as a child. I was allowed to help, but it wasn't required or forced. I tended to be the one who helped out anyway. I think I have a nice mix of "get 'er done" and couch potato in me.;) I absolutely love to clean. It gives me a tremendous sense of comfort and a high I can't get doing anything else. My brother who did absolutely nothing (well other than mow the grass now and then) and had a room that scared my mother to go into is an absolute neat freak who probably never sits down because he is always working on a project (yes, they get finished off in record time) around the house. My sister (who chose to absolutely never help at home when younger) seems to be extremely driven as an adult also. Little brother (we did everything for him.:lol:) tends to like to play in his spare time. Actually, he seems to have a nice mix of the two in him. Dh had little to no responsibilities also. He tends to be more couch potatoish when home, but that is due to the extremely long work hours he puts in. The man has almost no down time. At work, he is very driven.

[Haiku]

I think that preference for doing this is a personality thing and not likely to change, but I do think that being trained to do things makes it more likely that an adult will do the necessary tasks.

 

Tara

[Parrothead]

I was the responsible oldest child. I prefer my house tidy and work to keep it that way.

 

My dh's mom worked and some things were not such a priority. Dh had no idea how to do any household chores. He is just now, after 12 years, learning to see what needs doing and learning how to do things.

[Peela]

I think its mostly personality although conditioning might have some effect- I don't think it will change the basic personality type. Some people just like to be busy and some don't feel the need to be so productive- or that need is fulfilled at work, and at home they want to rest and do what they want to do because at work they are being told what to do, or obligated to work. Neither is better than the other and both have their consequences. I do tend to think our society is a bit stuck on the concept that we are supposed to be productive all the time, though.

[Michelle in AL]

I really think work ethic is ingrained to some extent (genetic). I grew up with a moderate amt of chores and I keep my house semi clean, but work hard as all get out at work. Dh works hard as anything at work, but doesn't do any chores and didn't as a child that I know of.

 

My kids: the oldest is extremely driven. Since the age of 16 she holds 2 jobs every summer and works hard at school and in her areas of interest. Her room is a mess though and she only does chores if told.

 

Youngest keeps the house clean for me while I work, but actual work ethic is so, so. She'd rather be out with her friends.

[twoforjoy]

I had pretty much no responsibilities other than schoolwork as a child. I didn't know how to cook, do laundry, make a bed, anything, until I left home. There was a bit of a steep learning curve at first, but, honestly, I was able to learn what I needed to learn pretty quickly and without much pain.

 

I agree that personality plays a big role. The primary reason I keep the house neat at all is because messiness drives me crazy, and I can't relax and enjoy anything if I feel like things in the house are out of control. If I could function well in a mess--which my DH can--I doubt I'd have a whole lot of motivation to keep things neat.

 

Another factor I haven't seen mentioned that I think matters is modelling the behavior your parents exhibited, not what was expected of you. I didn't have chores as a child, but my mother and father did a lot around the house. And I kind of have that expectation as an adult: I expect that we'll do chores on the weekend, I expect that I'll have the house cleaned up before I go to bed, etc. I don't think I'm quite as compulsive about it as my mother, but I definitely see myself doing many of the things my mom did when I was a child, now that I'm an adult.

 

My DH, on the other hand, did have a good amount of responsibility as a child, but he loathes doing any chores as an adult. He often falls into the same pattern as his dad, even when he doesn't want to: come home from work, nap on the couch, eat dinner, play a video game or watch TV until bedtime. I'd say he was more influenced by his father's example than the responsibilities he was given as a child.

 

So in some ways I think children learn more about how to handle adult responsibilities by watching the adults in their life handle their responsibilities, instead of from what responsibilities they are given in childhood.

Edited May 22, 2011 by twoforjoy

[DawnM]

Hmmm......well, I am quite driven IF I see the purpose to it, if that makes sense.

 

My house is often messy, because I just don't see the point.....it will be dirty again tomorrow :tongue_smilie: However, when it comes to schooling or work, I am very driven, because I see that it will get me from point A to point B and has a purpose.

 

Dawn

[Mejane]

I really do think it's personality. My dd and my aunt are very much alike. They will do things if asked, but they would much prefer to be waited upon hand and foot. My aunt calls it "princess syndrome." Dd has always been this way, and it's most definitely NOT something modeled by me. And, yes, it annoys me. :glare:

[Kalmia]

"Even though there are all kinds of things that have to be done I am going to sit here on this couch and read a book and NOBODY CAN STOP ME BECAUSE I'M A GROWNUP NOW HAHAHAHA!!!" :D

 

I am putting this up on the refrigerator!

[LostSurprise]

I see this as a two part process.

 

Discipline is the underlying principle we strive to teach when we give chores. Discipline and community (they are a part of a group and their gifts are valuable).

 

Without discipline it is difficult for people to really persevere in anything. Often they will give up early, not finish things, wait for the 'inspiration' to get things done. They don't have the internal will.

 

However, discipline is not the only factor. As others have seen personality (and background--what you grow up with has a big effect on what you see as 'normal') is a factor in how much people think needs to be cleaned, how much work needs to be done. It also affects how much they want to help (do they have a need to please) and how much guff they give you when they have to do stuff (which can get them out of stuff).

 

It's complicated but yes, I think chores are a vital part of growth.

[UmMusa]

out. I had a lot of chores, grew up on a farm and now am a pretty driven person when it comes to doing things (as far as things that need to be done around the house, chores, etc) I can't stand clutter, messes, everything has to be put away, etc. My dh grew up in a more well to do family, did have chores to do, but really had things pretty easy. He's not a driven person, I love him dearly, but he can just sit on the couch all weekend if he doesn't feel like doing anything and has done just so. It's hard to get him to start or finish projects, etc. He's always on me about making the kids do more, but I just really don't mind doing stuff, like cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming, etc. To me it's a sense of accomplishment. Plus, I'm thinking, even if you make them do it, it makes no difference as an adult? or does it? Is there a correlation between childhood and adulthood as far as drive and desire to do things, what in a person determines that? Just curious and want thoughts on this.

 

I can totally relate to this!

DH grew up with maids, a cook, a driver, and a pastry chef who would make sweets once a week. He can and DOES sit in bed and/or the couch all weekend unless something is scheduled. If I come with something last minute he will say 'nah'. I have to plan ahead if i want him to do something.

I grew up doing chores and with a very particular and picky dad. He noticed cobwebs, spots, mess, etc... So we (my siblings and I) are sensitive to getting things done right away and doing it right the first time. I will jump to do something while DH will and wait till it is served to him. His sister once asked me to get up and pass her a box of kleenex that was on the floor exactly equidistant between me and her. She wouldn't get up to get it, instead she asked me to get it for her. :confused:

[Night Elf]

Neither DH nor I had specific chores as children and that hasn't affected how we take care of our home and family. We both like a clean environment and do what needs to be done as it needs to be done.

 

Our children do not have specific chores and they help us around the house when they want to.

[Ester Maria]

Honestly, I grew up with the mentality that the children's job is to learn and the amount of help they should provide should fundamentally be about two things - learning how to do things (which does not necessitate actually doing them often, only being taught at some point in life how house is run) and becoming independent in sense of not adding work to others (keeping their own rooms neat, being responsible for their own stuff in terms of laundry, generally picking up after themselves whenever they use something, etc.). So, I did not really have fixed chores as a child for the most part, plus we had a maid for the most part.

 

DH grew up the same way... only "symbolic" chores for a modest contribution to the family and being responsible for his own mess, but primarily, he and his brothers were expected to learn and requesting too much in terms of work around house from them was viewed nearly as a waste of time, especially since they all had an entire learning load in addition to regular schools.

 

With our daughters the rules of the game are pretty much the same ones, though we did experiment with some minor fixed chores as they, unlike DH and I, are growing up much more at home than we did; but fundamentally, it comes down to the same responsibility for your own stuff, helping with some bigger scheduled cleanings and making sure they know how to do stuff, but having a maid doing nearly all of the "nastier" chores anyway. Cooking is a bit of an exception though, but we barely consider that a chore.

 

Both DH and I are extremely driven at things we do (I am sometimes a bit of a slacker ;), but ultimately things are always done, and done well), especially professionally; DDs have found their own passions and really apply themselves to that and have enough self-discipline to get-it-done with the rest of the things they are expected to do in life. So, I suppose it works for us even if kids really do have tangibly less chores than probably most kids on here, based on what I read on these boards when chores lists are provided.

[Eleni]

I think it's a LOT about personality. Probably way more than we realize.

 

I agree.

[Sputterduck]

Probably mostly personality. I had no responsibilities at home as a child. I was allowed to help, but it wasn't required or forced. I tended to be the one who helped out anyway. I think I have a nice mix of "get 'er done" and couch potato in me.;) I absolutely love to clean. It gives me a tremendous sense of comfort and a high I can't get doing anything else. My brother who did absolutely nothing (well other than mow the grass now and then) and had a room that scared my mother to go into is an absolute neat freak who probably never sits down because he is always working on a project (yes, they get finished off in record time) around the house. My sister (who chose to absolutely never help at home when younger) seems to be extremely driven as an adult also. Little brother (we did everything for him.:lol:) tends to like to play in his spare time. Actually, he seems to have a nice mix of the two in him. Dh had little to no responsibilities also. He tends to be more couch potatoish when home, but that is due to the extremely long work hours he puts in. The man has almost no down time. At work, he is very driven.

 

Then you are using too many cleaners.:lol:

[TravelingChris]

I think it is mostly personality. My dh was the youngest of four boys. None of them were expected to help around the house- he was the only one who ever did. He still is responsible. In my house, there weren't any chores for the kids either. Because my mother was widowed when I was 13, I became responsible for a lot more suddenly. I took up the responisibility, my younger sister didn't. My older brother was halfway between myself (responsible) and my sister (irresponsible).

[Tap]

I think it is personality and physical energy levels on one the nature side.

 

I think it is knowing how to do a chore and to relinquish you time on the nurture side.

 

 

My kids have grown up doing basic chores, nothing elaborate, just a few hours a week.

 

When my son went to camp as Gagg Staff (clean up crew), they commented that he was the best GS they had ever had. One thing they commented on was that he knew how to do a chore/task and do it well as well as his attitude about doing the work. The nature part, was that he ws willing to sign up at all, nurture was knowing how to do the chores without being taught while there.

 

I have had similar comments from dd12's friends parents. Comments about how much they realized their own kids didn't do. Simple things for a 12yo like put the pot of water on to boil for the pasta dinner. Nothing complex, they just hadn't taken the time to teach their kids. The mom said "I need to get dinner started" dd 12 asked what she was cooking and offered to start the water. While nature may have made her willing to do the work, nurture taught her how to do the basic tasks.

 

My kids have grown up having certain chores on specific days. They just do them. There isn't any complaining or delaying. They just do their chores and go on with their day. This part of nurture, I think stays with people. The Just Do It mentality, instead of making a 10 minute task last 30 with dawdling and whining.

 

I expect that my kids will follow this general pattern throught life. It seems pretty ingrained in them at this point.

[J-rap]

...

Edited September 11, 2023 by J-rap

[Murphy101]

I think the personality excuse can only go so far.

Comes a point when we need to suck it up buttercup and get the job done whether we are naturally inclined to it or not.

 

To me, the point of chores and such is not bc I think it will magically make them just naturally okay with doing it. I don't think it will.

 

The point is to train our wills to conform to greater good. For our own good and for the good of others.

 

I don't know anyone who does dishes or mops the floor bc they are naturally inclined to do it. We do it because it needs done and we have trained ourselves to not accept being sloven as acceptable.

 

It's about forming a habit of not being ruled by whim and emotion.

 

I don't think having a ton of chores does that either. The point is not the chore, the point is teaching independence and responsibility. Being as I have 9 kids, none of them have more than a couple chores. I fully expect them to use their time to decent purpose. I have one that just. Does. Not. Naturally. Do that. So he is being given opportunities to grow in this area.;) via a real job and some hard physical labor.

[LisaKinVA]

I would not agree. I think it's more personality than the environment growing up.

 

My dad was raised on a dairy farm... lots of chores throughout his life. He cannot be bothered to do home maintenance, call a plumber, paint... and when it's so bad that it can't be ignored, the repair could take months (or longer). Even his garden (the one thing he claims to enjoy doing), looks like a mish-mash, hodge-podge, unkempt area.

 

My mom... she has always worked hard. Clutter drives her absolutely NUTS. She cannot function in a cluttered environment. Coming home after caring for my grandmother has been really difficult because of the dust, dirt, and accumulation that has taken place the past 18 months. I think she has some OCD tendencies...

 

Me? I used to be pretty driven. However, cirucmstances have gotten the best of me... and I have found it nearly impossible to keep a neat, tidy house. We do well just to keep the bathroom from getting funky (7 people, one toilet... UGH!) Although, I am working hard to get back on track before we move. Working on my maintenance binders, schedules, etc.

[Susan in TN]

I think it's a LOT about personality. Probably way more than we realize.

 

At this stage in my life, I sometimes freeze over the sheer amount that needs to be done. Or, at the blasted repetativeness of what must be done. (And I take frequent guilt trips) I have a certain standard which is not "white-glove MIL approved", but it's a balance I can live with. I ask for a twice-a-month cleaning service for my birthday every year. :D

 

On the other hand, I'm great in a crisis.

[elise1mds]

My DH grew up with three brothers, and his parents did very little in the way of chores, so DH never learned. He's come a long way and absolutely loves living in a clean house now. He sometimes slips back and doesn't notice when things need to be done, but he doesn't get upset when I remind him to help out.

 

I grew up with one sister on 2.5 acres but with no animals (other than some pigs at one point)... just a subdivision on acreage. I didn't have chores. I should have, but I refused to do them. My room when I was a kid was an absolute pit. Now my house is almost always clean. I grew into my own.

[kamom]

I'm convinced a lot is personality BUT I think we can make a big difference in our children by expecting them to rise above their natural inclinations, thus doing them a large favor.

Dh and I both grew up in large families, with a lot of responsibilities and hard work! Both on farms. He had to get up early to milk at a very young age etc.

 

I am still very driven and thrive under a lot of work. The more I have going the more I get accomplished! Really, I have a hard time relaxing. My problem is not starting a project but not having to many going at once.

 

Dh loves to chill and just do nothing. He's very dependable, self-imployed, and knows how to work hard. But when he gets into his chair he has a hard time getting out:001_smile:. He also procrastinates. I suspect if he had not been taught how to work and be responsible,it would not have turned out well for him at all!

 

So for both of us personality factors in, but training and habits won out!

[cindergretta]

We had similar backgrounds but turned out the opposite. My DH grew up with very little expectation that he do anything at all around the house -- he was supposed to focus entirely on his schoolwork -- and as an adult he not only has an unbelievable work ethic when it comes to his work, but he is equally disciplined about getting household chores done. Whatever needs to be done, he just methodically works through it.

 

I, OTOH, grew up with tons of household responsibilities (not farm), and while I'm pretty good at taking care of things as an adult, I frequently have to suppress my inner teenager who says, "Even though there are all kinds of things that have to be done I am going to sit here on this couch and read a book and NOBODY CAN STOP ME BECAUSE I'M A GROWNUP NOW HAHAHAHA!!!" :D

 

Upon reflection, this sounds like dh and me. :) (I might not even suppress it *frequently.* I might go with it... :tongue_smilie: )

[ejadragna]

i dont think it makes all the difference but certainly it can correlate. you need a balance. im like you, driven. i wasn't necessarily driven by my parents in every way. i was also never really a neat person. but i came to desire order, and so bec ame self motivated. my house was never a mess growing up, but not entirelt orderly either. we were 5 children with 2 working parents! setting an example is important and keeping children aware of responsibility. they can help, and learn no

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to take for granted.. thats what you want thecm to knowy7tgvter4r

[Lolly]

Then you are using too many cleaners.:lol:

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Thank you for the laugh!

:lol::lol::D:D

[Mommyof4ks]

We had similar backgrounds but turned out the opposite. My DH grew up with very little expectation that he do anything at all around the house -- he was supposed to focus entirely on his schoolwork -- and as an adult he not only has an unbelievable work ethic when it comes to his work, but he is equally disciplined about getting household chores done. Whatever needs to be done, he just methodically works through it.

 

I, OTOH, grew up with tons of household responsibilities (not farm), and while I'm pretty good at taking care of things as an adult, I frequently have to suppress my inner teenager who says, "Even though there are all kinds of things that have to be done I am going to sit here on this couch and read a book and NOBODY CAN STOP ME BECAUSE I'M A GROWNUP NOW HAHAHAHA!!!" :D

 

Haha, this is very much like my dh and myself. We have discovered that we grew up very being taught very differently about money too, and we are opposites from our parents in that regard too. I don't know what to think about how my kids will turn out. :001_smile: