How do you deal with your dc so far away? (sorry got long)

[Teresa in MO]

I'm having a hard time that's only going to get worse in the next week. My dd got married last Saturday. It was a lovely wedding. We are very happy for her and really like her dh. The drawback is she will be moving to very northern Montana (we are in St. Louis). It is a 24 hour drive if you drove non-stop (which of course is impossible). We will probably only see her for one visit a year. Her dh works for on the family wheat farm. Plus he has a herd of cattle. There are very few windows of time that allow them to be away from home. They plan to come around Thanksgiving each year. They will stay for about a week to 10 days. I am having a very hard time the past few days. The tears are never far away. We are a close knit family and it will hit us all hard. My dh is having a hard time, but he keeps things bottled up inside. He has said if he lives 20 more years, he will only see her 20 more times. We can make a trip up there every couple of years. But those years they would probably not be coming down here.

 

They flew out of St. Louis to honeymoon in Hawaii. They will be back next Wednesday. They will stay Wednesday night and most likely take off on Thursday. They will spend the next 2 to 3 weeks sightseeing on their way home. They are driving to the Grand Canyon and other places on the way up to Montana. I just don't know how to say goodbye. I know you can Skype, but right now they don't have a computer and don't know when they will get one. Cell phone service where they live is very spotty. Any words of advice would be very welcomed.

 

On a side note here is an example of the innocence of an 8 yo. As they were taking off to go to their wedding night hotel, my 8 yo ds asked me if they were going back to our house. The groom had been staying with us since he arrived earlier in the week from Montana.

 

If you made it this far, thanks for listening.

[AuntieM]

Aw.... I can only begin to imagine what you are feeling. And your dh... what a wonderful dad.

 

Me, I would be at the Apple store at the opening bell. Next Wednsday I'd be presenting the couple with one more skype-capable wedding present. And then I'd be researching frequent flier programs.

[Liz CA]

Congrats, Mom and :grouphug:

Are there any airports nearby - that would surely cut down the trip time?

Rejoice that she had married well...and find something new to learn. This will take up some of your time and give you something to look forward to.

[MindyD]

I'm sorry :(. I'd buy them a computer myself so that you can skype.

[kalanamak]

I have no words of advice, but I do know I have a huge box of letters my mother wrote me between '75 and '07, and they are very precious to me.

[blakereese]

:grouphug::grouphug: That must be hard. I'm so sorry.

 

I am the daughter in that situation. I've lived away from my family most of my adult life and I know how hard it has been on my parents, sisters, and grandparents. And now that I am a mother...it is hard on me. I want to live closer but it just hasn't been possible. It makes me sad to think that my kids might never really know their grandparents, not in the way you know someone that you see more than once a year. I hope someday we will move closer.

 

I guess these days it is a bit easier to keep in touch with email, skype, etc. But I know it isn't the same as those hugs in person. Good luck with your good-byes. Although they are really "see you laters". :grouphug::grouphug:

[Garga]

My parents moved away when I was 21. They moved back when I was pregnant with my first son (8 years later). But then 2.5 years later, when my 2nd son was 1 month old, they moved away again. They've been gone for a total of 15 years of my adult life.

 

It was harder the 2nd time they left, because not only did I lose my parents, but my kids lost their grandparents.

 

We can only afford to see them every 2-3 years. This last time that they left, I did the exact same thing your dh did and calculated that I'd see them 12 times or less before they die. Now that they're 62, we're down to about 10 times or less. I've only seen them twice in the past 6 years. I won't see them again for another year.

 

My heart still breaks over it.

 

Skype doesn't work well for us. The images and voices are so choppy and we're always talking overtop of each other and then saying, "Go ahead...no you go ahead..." And then we just sit there and stare at each other. I find it awkward. It's not like being in the same room and naturally looking around the room. It's better to just chat on the phone. YMMV.

Edited May 5, 2011 by Garga

[Ginevra]

I am sorry. :grouphug: I don't have words of advice, I'm just sad for you. In my family, it's my brother who moved 2500 miles away. I love his wife and his in-laws, but I know it's been heartbreaking for my parents. They are financially unable to fly there practically ever and driving is physically impossible. I just visited my brother and his wife and foster kids and it grieved me that I can't somehow just transplant them nearby, both for my parents' sake and my own.

[praisefor3]

Oh...I can feel the true depth of your sadness and pain and have no real advice to offer. Except the skype thing - I do think that is a good idea and you can definitely buy skype capable computers relatively cheaply now. On the other hand, while I so pray that I don't face that same kind of loss, I will tell you that their lifestyle sounds really enviable...and like a good place to retire. :) Who knows what doors might open?

[KatieJ]

We have a daughter and 3 grandkids who live 700 miles from us. I figured out how to drive thru Chicago so I could see her more often!

It's hard, but this is what our life is so we make the best of it. Her kids talk to us on speaker phone so she can interpret them when they are younger. I will never forget the first time I was there and my DH was home and our youngest grandson called his Poppa and was walking all over the house and telling him about his house and his toys etc. Most of it was not understandable, but watching him talk to his Poppa was priceless.

EAch of her kids have blown us kisses thru the phone and it is just so sweet!

Skype is something we recently have done especially on occasions like birthdays so they can share in our activity here.

 

If you want to be close, keep in touch. You will find a way that works for you.

[Starr]

:grouphug: Words aren't enough. :grouphug:

[klmama]

I'm the child living far away. I wish my family would have made more effort to come see me occasionally when we were first married. Make it easier on your dd! Could you plan a trip there to see them once a year in addition to their trip to St. Louis? Maybe meet half-way between to camp together?

 

Skype is fun. Prepaid long-distance phone cards that work on landlines are nice - Sam's Club? Letters are wonderful. Just let her know she isn't forgotten once she's gone. :grouphug:

[Michelle My Bell]

My kids all live at home, but if one of them moved that far away, I am pretty sure I would do just about anything to move closer to them. Not necessarily next door, but within an easy driving distance. Is this at all a possibility for you? Family is so important. Just thinking about your story makes me so sad for you.

[Barb_]

We moved from Florida to OK when I was 28. My mom was only in her late 40s...not much older than I am now. Within a couple of months they sold their house and moved to a condo, she started a new job, and my dad had a heart attack and a quadruple bypass. She said she used to go out to her car during her lunch hour, park under a tree where no one could see her, and cry her heart out. She never told me about it until just recently because she didn't want to burden me. I wish she had. Don't hide your feelings. Let her know how much you miss her.

 

It's still hard. Raising my kids so far from my parents and brother is my biggest regret. It no longer stings, but it still aches a little.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Cera]

If you both have wifi ipads might be a good option. Even the most basic Ipad2 has facetime so for $500 each you would have the ability to video chat over wifi any time you wanted to see each other.

[orangearrow]

He has said if he lives 20 more years, he will only see her 20 more times. We can make a trip up there every couple of years. But those years they would probably not be coming down here.

 

 

 

oh gosh. I was thinking that once a year would be tough, but manageable until I read this part. He's right!! And I'd never quite looked at it like this before!! :crying: That has to be a tough transition phase.

 

I'd be saving up to buy them a computer, if they would be okay with that, so that you could skype.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

i'm on both ends of this. my parents live in canada. we live in california.

 

oldest dd and her dh just moved from california to alberta.

 

it is very, very hard, and doesn't really get any easier.

 

we skype. a lot. we visit one another's farms in farmville. that sounds nuts, but somehow or other it helps. even my 82 year old mother farms so she can visit her grandchildren's farms. sigh....

 

we have a credit card that earns airmiles. that helps, too.

 

we try to go visit my family every other year.

we will try to visit dd once a year. they come home for christmas.

 

that helps, too.

we text a lot, and that helps us feel part of one another's lives.

 

dsil posts photos of their surroundings most days, and that helps, too.

but mostly its just really sad.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

ann

[IlluminatedAttic]

I'm absolutely not discounting anyone's pain in this, but I just wanted to post that you never know what doors will open in the future and I encourage you to not get bogged down in the negative such as forecasting how small the number of your remaining visits will be. I moved from the east to the west coast in college and for a good 15 plus years I had absolutely no intention of moving back. Then life changed and new doors opened and here I am back east within 4 hours drive of my sister's family and my parents. Second sister moved south in college, 24 hour drive from "home", again with no intention of returning. A year after we moved back so did she and is now just two hours drive away. We are all able to make regular visits, share birthdays and holidays, all the cousins are great friends and have a full relationship with their grandparents. I'm positive that when we each moved away my parents went through the same depression and negative thought process that you are now, and to be honest we did only see each other once a year or less for the first several years, but unexpected opportunities arose, great airfares deals came around, extended family events in the middle of the country were a chance for an extra visit, etc. Again, I know how sad it is and I spent many nights crying for my sisters, but that old adage about distance and the heart works out sometimes. Living far apart meant we had to work that much harder to connect, which was a good thing for us, and we became great friends before we ever lived geographically close as adults. Plus, due to the time and expense involved, we worked to make visits to each other as rich as possible and many of those visits as both guest and host are some of my most treasured memories.

 

So yes, mourn the loss, but don't lose faith in what could very well become a wonderful future. :grouphug:

[Ibbygirl]

Aw.... I can only begin to imagine what you are feeling. And your dh... what a wonderful dad.

 

Me, I would be at the Apple store at the opening bell. Next Wednsday I'd be presenting the couple with one more skype-capable wedding present. And then I'd be researching frequent flier programs.

 

What she said. :iagree::iagree:

 

Ay, I can't even imagine it. It would break my heart if my dc moved far away from me too. :crying:

 

Lots of hugs to you.:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[TammyinTN]

I'm having a hard time that's only going to get worse in the next week. My dd got married last Saturday. It was a lovely wedding. We are very happy for her and really like her dh. The drawback is she will be moving to very northern Montana (we are in St. Louis). It is a 24 hour drive if you drove non-stop (which of course is impossible). We will probably only see her for one visit a year. Her dh works for on the family wheat farm. Plus he has a herd of cattle. There are very few windows of time that allow them to be away from home. They plan to come around Thanksgiving each year. They will stay for about a week to 10 days. I am having a very hard time the past few days. The tears are never far away. We are a close knit family and it will hit us all hard. My dh is having a hard time, but he keeps things bottled up inside. He has said if he lives 20 more years, he will only see her 20 more times. We can make a trip up there every couple of years. But those years they would probably not be coming down here.

 

They flew out of St. Louis to honeymoon in Hawaii. They will be back next Wednesday. They will stay Wednesday night and most likely take off on Thursday. They will spend the next 2 to 3 weeks sightseeing on their way home. They are driving to the Grand Canyon and other places on the way up to Montana. I just don't know how to say goodbye. I know you can Skype, but right now they don't have a computer and don't know when they will get one. Cell phone service where they live is very spotty. Any words of advice would be very welcomed.

 

On a side note here is an example of the innocence of an 8 yo. As they were taking off to go to their wedding night hotel, my 8 yo ds asked me if they were going back to our house. The groom had been staying with us since he arrived earlier in the week from Montana.

 

If you made it this far, thanks for listening.

 

 

Yes I know just how you feel. :grouphug: I have one daughter who works in Kuwait...I talk to her daily and email/skype. I have one daughter who moved to Texas, got married and has our first grandbaby. Her hubby will deploy in June so they will live with us for a year. I talk to her everyday as well. She sends pictures and emails daily. The only thing that has kept me going is phone calls, skype and pics. Buy the kids a computer you won't be sorry! :grouphug: I also keep AT&T in business ...calling cards, phone plans..etc. :grouphug:

[In The Great White North]

Buy the kids a computer you won't be sorry! :grouphug:

 

When I left home, eons ago, Mom wrote a letter every week. I wrote a lot less. We called every couple of months. It's much better now.

 

My family is spread across the country. We email, chat, send photos, etc. We don't usually skype (though gmail has something similar the kids use.)

You can stay close if you communicate a lot, but it takes effort.

[vonfirmath]

Can you get a 1-800 number so they can call you anytime they want? That's what my parents did for me when I moved away--we saw each other once a year at Christmas time. And they were always available when I called. (still are). And Very understanding now that I am married that I do not get to visit them all the time

[Jenny in Florida]

Okay, I know this isn't at all the same thing. Our situation is different in many, many ways, especially since our daughter is only 800 miles away and it's temporary while she's in college.

 

However, having her gone honestly hasn't been as awful as I feared it would be. We have a cell phone plan that allows us unlimited calling, and we chat an average of once a day, sometimes for an hour or more. When she went to England for a few weeks on a school trip, she talked me into getting Skype on my computer, and I was surprised how much I liked it.

 

We also e-mail and chat on Facebook, and she posts photos of herself and her friends.

 

As I said, our situation is very different, but I sometimes feel like we spend more "quality time" talking while she's gone than when she's physically present.

[lmrich]

:grouphug:

I like the idea of meeting 1/2 way. You all could swing that once a year for a camping trip. Find a state park that rents cabins or campsites and you will build wonderful memories for everyone.

 

How did the couple meet?

[TXMomof4]

My family is very, very close. I love my parents - they are my best friends. We lived about 400 miles away for 15 years, and have since moved further, and the next move takes us even further. My brother has lived in WA and Germany while the rest of us were in TX. My sister was in England at the same time.

 

My very best investment is my cell phone. My parents have the same carrier (actually, the whole family does), and cell - to -cell minutes are free. We talk all.the.time. My kids call and text them all the time. We miss Granny and Pa, but we know they are there. They still are the people my kids choose to call first when something happens they want to talk about. You aren't losing your daughter, you're gaining a whole world to experience with her, right? When my brother was in Germany we managed to take a family trip to see him and my sister in England. We NEVER would have been able to do that if we didn't know someone who lived there.

 

:grouphug: I know it's hard, but it will be fine. Who knows what adventures you may be facing in the future! Maybe your youngers could go work on a cattle farm in the summer? Maybe you and dh can retire near them. Maybe.....the list is endless. All sorts of wonderful things could happen!

[J-rap]

...

Edited September 9, 2023 by J-rap

[2cents]

I'm sorry :(. I'd buy them a computer myself so that you can skype.

 

This is a great suggestion!!!

 

and :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[MamaT]

Not the same situation, but our son has been in the Marine Corp for the last four years. He left when he was 18 and I have seen him 6 times in the last four years. It is hard.

 

We skype when we can and he calls and talks to everyone on the phone. He will be coming back to the states this year, but will live 6 1/2 hours away with his wife who is due with a son in August. I guess I'm feeling relieved that it's only 6 1/2 hours away and not on the other side of the world.

 

You will find ways to stay in touch, and like pps have suggested, I would try to buy them a computer.

 

:grouphug::grouphug:

[Teresa in MO]

My kids all live at home, but if one of them moved that far away, I am pretty sure I would do just about anything to move closer to them. Not necessarily next door, but within an easy driving distance. Is this at all a possibility for you? Family is so important. Just thinking about your story makes me so sad for you.

 

this is not an option. I have another dd and 2 grandbabies in Tennessee. I have a son in Ohio and a son in Kentucky, so moving closer to Montana will not work. I also have a widowed MIL that lives about 5 minutes away that we help out.

[laughing lioness]

My oldest lives 17 hours away. We see her infrequently. This last Xmas she was home for a month- the longest we've been together in 3 years. I feel sad about it. And my 11 asked her this Xmas when she was graduating cause he couldn't WAIT for her to move back home (not happening- she's gonna stay there for a Master's degree or go to Europe).

 

My 20yr old is living in town during the week (we live waay outta town) and believe me our 10 acres in the wilds of the Territories just got bigger.

 

We text all the time and call once a week or more, FB regularly and read each others blogs. This last year was really hard with my sister and Dad dying. Seems like life is really, truly so darn short and the time we have raising our kids just flies by.

 

I'm down to 3 kids at home and the house feels empty.

[Upward Journey]

:grouphug:

 

My oldest moved across the country last year and he's getting married in 2 weeks. I think it's going to be really hard for me when they start having children, because we're not in a financial position to be able to visit on any kind of a regular basis :(

 

My youngers miss him soooooo much.

 

Anyway, just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

[Teresa in MO]

:grouphug:

I like the idea of meeting 1/2 way. You all could swing that once a year for a camping trip. Find a state park that rents cabins or campsites and you will build wonderful memories for everyone.

 

How did the couple meet?

 

One of her best friends that she grew up with married her dh brother 5 years ago and that's how they met. It does help me a little (very little) that her she will be living less than 5 min. away from her bf. I feel at least she has a little part of home with her up there. Another comfort is that there is no doubt in our minds that this is the young man that God intended for her. But it is still soooo very hard. She does realize how hard this is for all of us. She knows she will be greatly missed.

[Kim in Appalachia]

:grouphug: I have no advice. I am the daughter who lives far away. We are only a 9 hr drive from my folks, but farther from the rest of our family. It's hard. It's always hard and it doesn't get easier.

 

We normally visit 3 to 4 times a year, but as my kids get older it get harder. My parents only come here 2x a year. They don't like to drive that far. My dh's mother comes around 4 times a year, maybe more. My dh's father tries to come a few times a year too. It's getting hard for him because of the arthritis in his back.

 

I would buy them a computer so that you can skype. Also, realize that as your other children get older you may be able to visit them more often.

:grouphug:

[Impish]

I'm the dd across country.

 

My eldest is in the Navy.

 

Its odd. Luckily, the relationship with your dd seems stronger and healthier than what has gone on with myself and my parents (improving now...).

 

I swore I'd never EVER move back to the same province. Now, its a matter of time, and rather than being a drawback, my parents are a positive factor.

 

Things change.

[Remudamom]

Oh man. This is too depressing.

[Danestress]

What your husband said brought me to tears.

 

Enough that I actually searched plane tickets on Expedia. A few hundred dollars should be able to get you into Montana. Maybe your DD can fly home once in a while even if her DH can't accompany here. When I lived 3,000 miles from my parents, I went home alone a couple of times without DH. And a couple of times, my Mom came out without my Dad. It was less expensive that way.

[kamom]

I'm the daughter,for that reason I call my mom or sister every day! We're in NY and they're in the midwest. That's what cell phones, FB and email are for.

 

Believe it or not it helps me to think of frontier days when moving west was goodbye for life. Good bye, Dad and Mom, I'm following my man into the unknown future.

 

Yeah!:hurray: for modern forms of communication. Calling everyday really does help.