I have a project for the lot of you

[Parrothead]

Okay I'm going to admit it. I'm not perfect. Actually I'm a bit of a goof. I have no training for social situations. I've embarrassed myself twice in the last three weeks while in a group setting. I'm too loud, tell bad jokes, have absolutely no idea what small talk is or how to go about utilizing it.

 

I really need someone to be Henry Higgins to my Eliza Doolittle.

 

How do I go about becoming more graceful with a bit of class and breeding? Is there a book? Can you help me before May 21st?

[Jennifer3141]

Hm... I don't see you in that way at all from your posts. You really feel that way in groups?

[Mrs Mungo]

Don't worry about it. Be you. There will be people who like *you* and people who don't. That's okay. :grouphug:

[Lara in Colo]

I have no help because I am the same way! I always say the wrong thing and I can go up to a conversation and just watch it die once I join.

 

The funny thing is, I used to be able to talk up a storm. I think I'm just a misfit and I can only associate with other misfits!

 

Lara

[Parrothead]

Hm... I don't see you in that way at all from your posts. You really feel that way in groups?

You are so sweet.

 

Don't worry about it. Be you. There will be people who like *you* and people who don't. That's okay. :grouphug:

It isn't that I want people to like me. I really don't care one way or another because I'll probably never see any of these people again - except maybe the bishop. I don't want to embarrass dh. Again.

[fairfarmhand]

 

 

It isn't that I want people to like me. I really don't care one way or another because I'll probably never see any of these people again - except maybe the bishop. I don't want to embarrass dh. Again.

 

 

hmmm...I don't know what to tell you because I have the same problem.

[Mrs Mungo]

It isn't that I want people to like me. I really don't care one way or another because I'll probably never see any of these people again - except maybe the bishop. I don't want to embarrass dh. Again.

 

Okay, okay, I see your point. Even if I think you are probably a fine person and I would be happy to laugh (LOUDLY) at your jokes (seriously, I laugh LOUD, it is ridiculous). :001_smile: Have you read How to Win Friends and Influence People? That's a good place to start.

[OnTheBrink]

hmmm...I don't know what to tell you because I have the same problem.

 

Me, too.

[Carrie12345]

hmmm...I don't know what to tell you because I have the same problem.

 

Ditto.

My only recommendation - Don't ever tell the ambulance people to be sure not to drop your dying grandfather on their way out the door. That kinda thing is only amusing in one's head.

[elfgivas]

:grouphug:

 

the answers so far are great :).

 

if you do want to feel better about it all, i'm sure there are books. what helps most people is practice...

 

practice making light conversation with the check out clerk. start with the cliches, and modify vocabulary to match your subculture.

 

eg. where i live now, i would say "hot enough for ya?"

where i lived before, i would say "i can't believe how warm its become almost overnight."

 

to practice, use the same sentence with several different people, several times. mirror their body language, and tweak the sentence until you start getting reactions that are pleasant and appropriate. you may want to start grocery shopping once a day to give yourself more frequent practice opportunities.

 

once you are getting pleasant responses, you'll need another sentence. most brief encounters follow a "tick tack toe" format. (you say something, they say something back, you reply and you're done)

 

after you get the weather thing down, you can try the clothes thing, still with sales clerks, people in line with you (ie people you'll never see again ; )... "oh i love your blouse. that color looks fabulous on you". make it true and genuine. you don't need to actually care anything about clothes; what you are doing is caring, albeit briefly, about the person, and something they obviously spent time and care choosing.

 

then you can move on to practicing commenting on the other person's current circumstance. "wow you folks are busy. is it always like this on thursday nights?" "you were very kind to wait so patiently while the last customer looked for her coupons. the economy is pretty tough right now and it obviously mattered a lot to her." (putting yourself in their shoes, where they may be worrying that you're going to be angry about having had to wait the extra time, and so you put them at ease while complementing them.... it helps my blood pressure, too ; )

 

what you are really doing is practicing making a connection with folks you don't know. the more you practice, the more at ease you will be, the less likely you are to be nervous, which is where the "too loud, too inappropriate" stuff is often rooted.

 

its often wise to steer clear of joke-telling altogether, for several reasons. people's senses of humor vary widely, it is more performance than relationship, and there is no natural "next" after a joke.

 

most people like to talk about themselves, so if you are uncertain about social skills, using a good opening cliche, like weather or clothes, then can move you on to asking good questions "so is it the bride or groom that you know?" is a yes/no question that can get more than a yes/no response, but if all they say is "bride", you can say "oh, me too. how did you meet sarah?" and then they are off story-telling.

 

what happens may 21st?

good luck,

ann

[Parrothead]

Okay, okay, I see your point. Even if I think you are probably a fine person and I would be happy to laugh (LOUDLY) at your jokes (seriously, I laugh LOUD, it is ridiculous). :001_smile: Have you read How to Win Friends and Influence People? That's a good place to start.

Thank you. I'll add it to my Amazon cart immediately.

 

:grouphug:

 

the answers so far are great :).

 

if you do want to feel better about it all, i'm sure there are books. what helps most people is practice...

 

practice making light conversation with the check out clerk. start with the cliches, and modify vocabulary to match your subculture.

 

eg. where i live now, i would say "hot enough for ya?"

where i lived before, i would say "i can't believe how warm its become almost overnight."

 

to practice, use the same sentence with several different people, several times. mirror their body language, and tweak the sentence until you start getting reactions that are pleasant and appropriate. you may want to start grocery shopping once a day to give yourself more frequent practice opportunities.

 

once you are getting pleasant responses, you'll need another sentence. most brief encounters follow a "tick tack toe" format. (you say something, they say something back, you reply and you're done)

 

after you get the weather thing down, you can try the clothes thing, still with sales clerks, people in line with you (ie people you'll never see again ; )... "oh i love your blouse. that color looks fabulous on you". make it true and genuine. you don't need to actually care anything about clothes; what you are doing is caring, albeit briefly, about the person, and something they obviously spent time and care choosing.

 

then you can move on to practicing commenting on the other person's current circumstance. "wow you folks are busy. is it always like this on thursday nights?" "you were very kind to wait so patiently while the last customer looked for her coupons. the economy is pretty tough right now and it obviously mattered a lot to her." (putting yourself in their shoes, where they may be worrying that you're going to be angry about having had to wait the extra time, and so you put them at ease while complementing them.... it helps my blood pressure, too ; )

 

what you are really doing is practicing making a connection with folks you don't know. the more you practice, the more at ease you will be, the less likely you are to be nervous, which is where the "too loud, too inappropriate" stuff is often rooted.

 

its often wise to steer clear of joke-telling altogether, for several reasons. people's senses of humor vary widely, it is more performance than relationship, and there is no natural "next" after a joke.

 

most people like to talk about themselves, so if you are uncertain about social skills, using a good opening cliche, like weather or clothes, then can move you on to asking good questions "so is it the bride or groom that you know?" is a yes/no question that can get more than a yes/no response, but if all they say is "bride", you can say "oh, me too. how did you meet sarah?" and then they are off story-telling.

 

what happens may 21st?

good luck,

ann

Thank you so very much for your insight and coaching.

[Parrothead]

Oh, May 21, dh has an event he will be participating in. He needs to be in a tux so I have to be able to dress and act as if I've got a bit of breeding.

[bookfiend]

:grouphug:

 

the answers so far are great :).

 

if you do want to feel better about it all, i'm sure there are books. what helps most people is practice...

 

practice making light conversation with the check out clerk. start with the cliches, and modify vocabulary to match your subculture.

 

eg. where i live now, i would say "hot enough for ya?"

where i lived before, i would say "i can't believe how warm its become almost overnight."

 

to practice, use the same sentence with several different people, several times. mirror their body language, and tweak the sentence until you start getting reactions that are pleasant and appropriate. you may want to start grocery shopping once a day to give yourself more frequent practice opportunities.

 

once you are getting pleasant responses, you'll need another sentence. most brief encounters follow a "tick tack toe" format. (you say something, they say something back, you reply and you're done)

 

after you get the weather thing down, you can try the clothes thing, still with sales clerks, people in line with you (ie people you'll never see again ; )... "oh i love your blouse. that color looks fabulous on you". make it true and genuine. you don't need to actually care anything about clothes; what you are doing is caring, albeit briefly, about the person, and something they obviously spent time and care choosing.

 

then you can move on to practicing commenting on the other person's current circumstance. "wow you folks are busy. is it always like this on thursday nights?" "you were very kind to wait so patiently while the last customer looked for her coupons. the economy is pretty tough right now and it obviously mattered a lot to her." (putting yourself in their shoes, where they may be worrying that you're going to be angry about having had to wait the extra time, and so you put them at ease while complementing them.... it helps my blood pressure, too ; )

 

what you are really doing is practicing making a connection with folks you don't know. the more you practice, the more at ease you will be, the less likely you are to be nervous, which is where the "too loud, too inappropriate" stuff is often rooted.

 

its often wise to steer clear of joke-telling altogether, for several reasons. people's senses of humor vary widely, it is more performance than relationship, and there is no natural "next" after a joke.

 

most people like to talk about themselves, so if you are uncertain about social skills, using a good opening cliche, like weather or clothes, then can move you on to asking good questions "so is it the bride or groom that you know?" is a yes/no question that can get more than a yes/no response, but if all they say is "bride", you can say "oh, me too. how did you meet sarah?" and then they are off story-telling.

 

what happens may 21st?

good luck,

ann

 

Wow, this is really good and a great place for my shyish DS to start. Thank you for such practical suggestions.

[Tammyla]

Very good practical suggestions. I'll add don't discuss politics or religion and you should be just fine.

 

:grouphug:

 

the answers so far are great :).

 

if you do want to feel better about it all, i'm sure there are books. what helps most people is practice...

 

practice making light conversation with the check out clerk. start with the cliches, and modify vocabulary to match your subculture.

 

eg. where i live now, i would say "hot enough for ya?"

where i lived before, i would say "i can't believe how warm its become almost overnight."

 

to practice, use the same sentence with several different people, several times. mirror their body language, and tweak the sentence until you start getting reactions that are pleasant and appropriate. you may want to start grocery shopping once a day to give yourself more frequent practice opportunities.

 

once you are getting pleasant responses, you'll need another sentence. most brief encounters follow a "tick tack toe" format. (you say something, they say something back, you reply and you're done)

 

after you get the weather thing down, you can try the clothes thing, still with sales clerks, people in line with you (ie people you'll never see again ; )... "oh i love your blouse. that color looks fabulous on you". make it true and genuine. you don't need to actually care anything about clothes; what you are doing is caring, albeit briefly, about the person, and something they obviously spent time and care choosing.

 

then you can move on to practicing commenting on the other person's current circumstance. "wow you folks are busy. is it always like this on thursday nights?" "you were very kind to wait so patiently while the last customer looked for her coupons. the economy is pretty tough right now and it obviously mattered a lot to her." (putting yourself in their shoes, where they may be worrying that you're going to be angry about having had to wait the extra time, and so you put them at ease while complementing them.... it helps my blood pressure, too ; )

 

what you are really doing is practicing making a connection with folks you don't know. the more you practice, the more at ease you will be, the less likely you are to be nervous, which is where the "too loud, too inappropriate" stuff is often rooted.

 

its often wise to steer clear of joke-telling altogether, for several reasons. people's senses of humor vary widely, it is more performance than relationship, and there is no natural "next" after a joke.

 

most people like to talk about themselves, so if you are uncertain about social skills, using a good opening cliche, like weather or clothes, then can move you on to asking good questions "so is it the bride or groom that you know?" is a yes/no question that can get more than a yes/no response, but if all they say is "bride", you can say "oh, me too. how did you meet sarah?" and then they are off story-telling.

 

what happens may 21st?

good luck,

ann

[Slartibartfast]

Okay I'm going to admit it. I'm not perfect. Actually I'm a bit of a goof. I have no training for social situations. I've embarrassed myself twice in the last three weeks while in a group setting. I'm too loud, tell bad jokes, have absolutely no idea what small talk is or how to go about utilizing it.

 

I really need someone to be Henry Higgins to my Eliza Doolittle.

 

How do I go about becoming more graceful with a bit of class and breeding? Is there a book? Can you help me before May 21st?

 

Ha! You sound like me. :lol:

 

I would be no help.

[nono]

Ann gave you great suggestions. I'm going to give you some clothes advice: wear the dress in advance to practice in it. And the shoes. SERIOUSLY.

 

Walk around. Sit. Sit while in front of a full-length mirror. See how your posture is. Get comfortable in those clothes and know what you will look like, and get comfortable with that. You will feel much more comfortable when your body knows the clothes, and you know what you're projecting. It'll help you get relaxed before you even start a conversation.

 

Enjoy the evening on May 21. :)

[justamouse]

Ohhh please don't change.

 

Sigh. OK, I see this is serious. People love talking about their families, so that's where I start (and if I ever see them again, I ask them how their ___ are.), Ann is right, you're trying to make connections. And she's right about being genuine. Make sure it's from the heart. People have a high radar for insincerity.

 

You're a sweet, caring person, you'll do fine just being yourself.

Edited April 13, 2011 by justamouse

[AK_Mom4]

Oh, May 21, dh has an event he will be participating in. He needs to be in a tux so I have to be able to dress and act as if I've got a bit of breeding.

 

I fake it when we have to go to these events for DH's job. Pretend - just for that day - that you are a very quiet person. Smile. Remind yourself again to smile when you forget. Nod your head. Practice saying "Nice to meet you" when introduced. When tempted to talk, remind yourself to just nod and smile. Let the other folks do all the work making small talk.

 

It really does work - providing you don't have to do it too often.

[akmommy]

I can't say that it has been helpful... Yet, but I'm currently reading "The Everything Body Language Book". Ive found after being a SAHM for so long I seem to have lost the ability to "mingle" easily so I'm glad you asked the question.:bigear::bigear:

[FrogMom5]

I'm not good at small talk either. My strategy has been to find someone who wants to talk about themselves or their kids. Once you get them started, you just smile, nod, laugh. It takes up the whole event, is usually enjoyable and takes me off the hook to do much talking.

 

If we ever meet in real life, just be yourself. You seem very nice to me.

Denise

[Lolly]

Oh, May 21, dh has an event he will be participating in. He needs to be in a tux so I have to be able to dress and act as if I've got a bit of breeding.

 

My personal strategy would be to try to not talk. If someone insists on talking to me, I would do my best to get them on the subject of themselves to keep myself from having to say anything. It is very hard to insert a foot into a closed mouth.

[justamouse]

Oh, May 21, dh has an event he will be participating in. He needs to be in a tux so I have to be able to dress and act as if I've got a bit of breeding.

 

Look, I have to be the boss's wife. I am so NOT that person. People look at me and get all kinds of bent up and scared and the very first thing I do is put them at ease and if it's at my expense than so be it. I DO tell them about the bear, the birds, how my kids used to run naked in the front yard.

 

We tend to put our feet in our mouths when we're too nervous. Though we can shuttle to the moon, everyone still puts their pants on one leg at a time. We can dress it up pretty, but we get sick, we cry, we laugh too loud, we're people. Don't let your past embarrassment tie you up. Do what Ann said and practice with everyone. Give yourself a few minutes extra in everything you do between now and then and talk to people. Strike up conversations with the people in lines (you really never know who you are chatting up), get comfortable with talking with people.

Edited April 13, 2011 by justamouse

[elise1mds]

Ohhhhh all I want to do is tell you to pretend to be Katharine Hepburn for a night, but then my mind switches to Audrey Hepburn in "Breakfast at Tiffany's," and... well... right. That's not helpful.

 

I'm horrible at these things, too. I almost always wind up at a back table somewhere sitting with one or two other wives who hate events like that as much as I do... and usually we wind up comparing tattoos. I'm not sure how that one works out, but it does.

 

Anyway... wow, I'm all about tangents today... Ann/Elfgivas' advice sounded awesome. Keeping my voice low is very hard, but I have discovered that I can manage it for a night as long as I only talk to one or two people at a time. I try to focus on them rather than me so I don't start telling "interesting" stories. If there is food involved, take tiny bites because inevitably someone will ask you something important or snap a photo the minute you shove a bite of salad containing a crouton into your mouth. The bathroom is a great place to take five and do some deep breathing so you don't kill the idiot who just irritated the crap out of you OR to recover your sanity before going out and making yet more small talk. Use it frequently.

 

It's bloody exhausting, but it can be done. I'm sure you'll do great.

[*lifeoftheparty*]

Do you have an etiquette or finishing school near you? Google it, maybe?

 

For instance, there is the place near us, in Baltimore:

 

http://www.schoolofprotocol.com/

 

I'm actually thinking about signing up DS for a few courses when he gets older :)

[Hedgehog]

Hm... I don't see you in that way at all from your posts...

 

Me either.. :confused:

 

You could..

 

follow the proverb - "better to keep silent and only be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt", and Ma Ingalls advice to Laura - "her voice was ever soft and low, an excellent thing in a woman". (I'd never manage either, but still!!!)

 

or...

 

come visit with me, and I'll introduce you to my sister. She always has plenty of advice.. *ahem*.. plenty to say about breeding, manners, and courtesy.

 

or...

 

be yourself? We love you anyway! (And I'm loving Jimmy Buffett's music :D )

Edited April 13, 2011 by Hedgehog

[bookfiend]

My personal strategy would be to try to not talk. If someone insists on talking to me, I would do my best to get them on the subject of themselves to keep myself from having to say anything.

 

 

There is actually a trick to this and I picked it up from my neighbor. We walked together every morning and somehow, I always ended up doing most of the talking. I finally realized that every time she responded to any question of mine with a very short reply and then flipped back a question to me. When I stopped my answer, she was right there with another question. Took me a bit to get the hang of it, but you can deflect most of the attention/conversation from yourself by ending every answer with a corresponding question.

[....]

I bought this book...

 

http://www.amazon.com/Emily-Posts-Etiquette-Thumb-Indexed/dp/0066209579/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1302738562&sr=8-1

 

 

I was in the army for 7 years and basically lived in the woods the entire time...well, you get the idea. :glare: I hear ya'.

[redsquirrel]

I tend to ask people about their jobs. Most jobs are interesting in some way. Even if they are boring, people can talk about how it is boring. Ask how they ended up doing that job, or how they ended up living in that particular town.

 

Once, I thought I had met my match. I asked someone what he did for a job and he said, with a defiant air "I deliver cardboard boxes." So, I said, "Really! Well, I've never met anyone else who did that. How did you end up in that line of work? Is it hard?" He ended up telling me some very amusing stories, that I cannot remember now, of course.

 

If you are interested in the answers, truly interested, then the people will respond to that interest and you might have a really good experience. Look them in the eye, have an interested look on your face. You might be surprised.

 

If they ask what you do, tell them you homeschool. That never fails to be of interest to people. I have had people want to talk to me for hours about education, how to do it at home, how we spend our time, etc, etc. I just try to be a good homeschool ambassador.

 

Just smile! Think to yourself "warm and welcoming, warm and welcoming" and you will be.

[kalanamak]

When in doubt, ask the person about themselves. It is like shifting the weight from one foot to another.

 

Case in point: today the social worker called to ward and said he'd made a pot of coffee in his office, and anyone was welcome. I was in the middle of a really bad day, and I thought, he's always good for a laugh, I'll stop by on my way off the ward. I came in, plopped down on the couch and said "Make me laugh, my day is AWful" and as I said it, I saw his face, and it was clear HE needed a laugh, or actually just someone to unload on. I changed chairs. I propped my chin on my hand and asked him some "open ended questions". He unloaded, and, as I toodled off thanking him for the coffee, I realized I no longer needed a laugh.

 

Become the ears.

[Jyniffrec]

When in doubt, ask the person about themselves. It is like shifting the weight from one foot to another.

 

Become the ears.

 

:iagree: Everyone's favorite subject is themselves. Asking people questions about themselves is a great way for me to cover my social inadequacies. Dh is a city official and I have to go to big functions that terrify me. I just don't do well in groups, whether it is with a mayor or a home school group. I have always been a one-on-one person.

[elegantlion]

This book helped me. If you remember it was written in the 80s and kind of toward the sales crowd it helps.

 

I agree to ask people about themselves, and practice. Practice your smile. I tend to frown when I get nervous.

 

Also try to pause a quick 2 seconds before interjecting comments. I tend to get excited and speak too quickly, then I feel like I sound like a nitwit.

[OrganicAnn]

Ask people about themselves - group appropriate. Ask moms about their kids. Ask younger people about what they do in their free time. Ask older people about their health (in a generic not too noisy a way).

 

I like the idea of pausing before answering.

 

Try talking in a low calm voice.

 

Say their names often in conversation.

 

Say less. Smile mysteriously.

[Barb_]

Ditto.

My only recommendation - Don't ever tell the ambulance people to be sure not to drop your dying grandfather on their way out the door. That kinda thing is only amusing in one's head.

 

:001_huh:

 

:blush:

 

:lol:

 

:blush: again

[LibraryLover]

:) This was my first thought, and I think it is a good one. :)

 

But then I got to thinking that you are asking because you want to do things a little differently?

 

So.

 

Don't react. When someone says something, say nothing at first. Let it sit. Don't be the first to answer. Try to relax. Think about what other people are saying. Consider whether it's something you agree with. Consider if you have something you would like to add.

 

Say what you would like to say, bt also remember that ones does not have to respond to all commentary. It's not the end of the world if you don't say exactly what you would like to say.

 

I would also be gracious. If someone says something you find interesting, ask/tell them. "What you said about A-B-C was so interesting. Thank you. Do you know of any websites that might be of interest?"

 

Ask questions. If someone says something interesting, ask them about it. "I am fasincated by your commentary. I would like to learn more about that! Do you have any book or article suggestions?"

 

I'd simply try to slow down. Listen to what others are saying. Think about what they are saying, ask questions about those topics which interest you.

 

Don't worry about it. Be you. There will be people who like *you* and people who don't. That's okay. :grouphug:

Edited April 14, 2011 by LibraryLover

[Peela]

I say be yourself.

 

But I have had to teach myself to be social too- I learned to ask questions- to talk about myself but also to bounce the conversation back and forth so that both of us are sharing something about ourselves (I am really not that interested in one sided conversations, either side), and to be present for the other person so that they can genuinely share.

 

I am not interested in small talk- but even small talk can lead to interesting conversations. You have to start somewhere.

 

Last year I read How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie (cos I thought it might be good for my son, but he clearly doesn't need it as much as I do :) ) , and I was really surprised by it. It is good information and not about manipulating or sales stuff...it is genuine. I enjoyed it. (I didnt like the title and it put me off for years, but the information is excellent).

[OLG]

One single piece of advice: engage others in talking about themselves.

Never fails. That and being a good listener.

[Susan C.]

I'm not so sure about talking about homeschooling. I always get the "are they socialized" question. I would want to pretend I don't homeschool at a function because everyone I know tells me I talk too much about homeschooling (because that is what I do.....).

 

I like the "have a mysterious look" but wonder if people will ask about it!! :) I wouldn't want to draw too much attention to myself, that would totally defeat blending in!

 

I get the feeling those in this thread would make one great chick gathering!!

[Danestress]

was that no one is looking at you, noticing you, caring about you. People are not focused on you. They are focused on themselves. If you ask people about themselves and actually listen to what they say and then ask follow up questions, they will like you. Listen. Ask - not personal things, but show an interest.

 

Honestly, at most social events you can talk to people for hours and never reveal a single thing about yourself or a single opinion. It's almost a game DH and I play - how much we can learn about others without talking about ourselves. If you can project a genuine interest in and kindness towards others, they will leave with a good impression of you.

[LucyMcGillicuddy]

I'm really shy so I always try to get other people to talk about themselves. I ask questions about something they may have already said. If I'm the one starting a conversation, I usually ask "Is there anything exciting going on in your life?" and almost always they come up with something and it goes on from there. :001_smile:

[pbt1294]

Like others have said, ask other people questions about themselves. Usually people love to talk about themselves. Just make sure you are listening to their responses and not just scrambling to think of another question, LOL!!!

 

And just remember that some people are just hard to talk to. That is not your fault!

 

Blessings,

~Kyle