I am so angry that I'm shaking!

[jujsky]

My MIL cut my son's hair. Without permission. After being told no on numerous occasions when she's asked us permission to cut it. She *thinks* she can cut hair. She can't. I haven't seen DS yet. They're spending the weekend there, but he forgot his Kumon work so DH brought it down to him. He said he told his mom off, and that DS's hair looks like sh**. It's all crooked. It's a good thing I wasn't there because those kids would have been coming home with us, which really wouldn't have been fair to them since the ILs have a bunch of fun activities planned with them. I can tell you that there won't be any sleep overs for a LONG time after this one! It's bad enough she insulted both of my kids a couple weeks ago (if you caught my thread about my son no focusing in gymnastics and my daughter looking "awful" in hip-hop, you'll know what I'm talking about) but to cut his hair? She knew we would be BS-angry about it, and she did it anyway! She has no respect for us as parents at all!

 

I'm also mad at myself. I ALMOST told DS before he went, "If Babushka wants to cut your hair, you tell her no and ask her to call us." I didn't because DS and DD have had big mouths lately, and I was afraid they would come out and say something like, "Mama doesn't want you to cut our hair," out of the blue, and then it would start this big thing. I should have just told him. I almost did. We missed his hair appointment this month and between homeschooling, activities, and trying to nurse our sick dog back to health (the one we had to put to sleep last week -- yeah, it's been a really spectacular few weeks!) I haven't had time to reschedule it.

 

"Enraged," would be the right word. Everything literally has a red haze right now, I'm shaking, and my chest is all tight. If I could punch her in the face right now, and not traumatize our children in the process, I totally would! And I'm not usually a violent person!

[Nestof3]

Wow -- what nerve! Tell her she had her chance to parent, and it's not her chance anymore.

[Mommy22alyns]

:001_huh: I'd be seriously PO'ed too.

[Parrothead]

Oh, my word! I'm so sorry.

[Night Elf]

Did you or your dh talk to your son about it? Did he say he wanted to stay? I had a few bad haircuts in my life and I didn't want to leave the house. In fact, I missed my own high school graduation because a hairdresser butchered my hair 6 hours before the ceremony.

 

You guys are strong. I would have brought him home. I would imagine this seems like a victory to your MIL. She obviously knew there was nothing you could do about it. Taking the kids would have shown her what you could do.

 

Poor guy!

[Researcher]

:ohmy: Wow, that takes some nerve!

[Sparkle]

I'd be mad, too. That definitely crosses the boundaries of acceptable behavior. :grouphug:

[Hillary in KS]

That happened to us once. My kids "Crazy Uncle X" gave them buzz cuts. :glare:

 

I was kind of upset at first, but realized that it was just hair. 2 months later their hair had grown back. And they have a great story to tell. :D

 

Now, the buzz cuts affected how often and under what situations our kids visit the in-laws. But I didn't ever discuss it with the uncle, and probably won't unless it comes up.

 

You may want to calm down a bit before you see your ds. He's small, and may worry that you're angry with *him* or angry that *he* should have done or said something to his grandmother. You probably don't want to show how upset you are to him.

 

Maybe just laugh it off with him and say, "My! Looks like Babushka missed a couple of spots! Let's go down to get your hair straightened out a bit. "

 

Here's a chance to get caught up on the haircut you missed this month. :)

[ShutterBug]

 

You may want to calm down a bit before you see your ds. He's small, and may worry that you're angry with *him* or angry that *he* should have done or said something to his grandmother. You probably don't want to show how upset you are to him.

 

Maybe just laugh it off with him and say, "My! Looks like Babushka missed a couple of spots! Let's go down to get your hair straightened out a bit. "

 

Here's a chance to get caught up on the haircut you missed this month. :)

 

:iagree:

[jujsky]

Did you or your dh talk to your son about it? Did he say he wanted to stay? I had a few bad haircuts in my life and I didn't want to leave the house. In fact, I missed my own high school graduation because a hairdresser butchered my hair 6 hours before the ceremony.

 

You guys are strong. I would have brought him home. I would imagine this seems like a victory to your MIL. She obviously knew there was nothing you could do about it. Taking the kids would have shown her what you could do.

 

Poor guy!

 

I don't know if DS knew it looked bad before, but he does now. He told DH, "Babushka said it looks better than the hairdresser would do it," to which DH replied, "Babushka is delusional." I'm sure he wants to stay because they always do fun things with them, but they are not going to be unsupervised with them for a long time after this little stunt! I don't know why my FIL didn't stop her or call us. He is usually more on top of things.

 

I called and scheduled an appointment for him at 2:00 on Monday. Our whole school day is blown now because we had some other things scheduled too.

 

GRRRRRRRRR!

[Sputterduck]

In time, it'll be a family story.

 

My grandpa cut off my dad's beautiful blonde curls when he was little. My grandma is still mad. LOL

 

I'm sorry your MIL isn't respecting your decisions. Awful. Just awful.

[Sputterduck]

"Babushka is delusional."

:lol:

At least your DH can stand up to his mother, right? It could be worse. He could be defending her.

[Nestof3]

I think you are missing the part about the MIL asking several times if she could cut his hair. She thought she could step in and play mom.

 

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't advise anyone to stand for that sort of controlling from a relative or anyone else for that matter.

 

That happened to us once. My kids "Crazy Uncle X" gave them buzz cuts. :glare:

 

I was kind of upset at first, but realized that it was just hair. 2 months later their hair had grown back. And they have a great story to tell. :D

 

Now, the buzz cuts affected how often and under what situations our kids visit the in-laws. But I didn't ever discuss it with the uncle, and probably won't unless it comes up.

 

You may want to calm down a bit before you see your ds. He's small, and may worry that you're angry with *him* or angry that *he* should have done or said something to his grandmother. You probably don't want to show how upset you are to him.

 

Maybe just laugh it off with him and say, "My! Looks like Babushka missed a couple of spots! Let's go down to get your hair straightened out a bit. "

 

Here's a chance to get caught up on the haircut you missed this month. :)

[jujsky]

You may want to calm down a bit before you see your ds. He's small, and may worry that you're angry with *him* or angry that *he* should have done or said something to his grandmother. You probably don't want to show how upset you are to him.

 

Maybe just laugh it off with him and say, "My! Looks like Babushka missed a couple of spots! Let's go down to get your hair straightened out a bit. "

 

Here's a chance to get caught up on the haircut you missed this month. :)

 

I agree, but I think DH kind of blew that already. I'm going to make it clear that it wasn't his fault and that we'll get his hair looking good again on Monday.

 

You know what also makes me mad? For all she knew, we could have been growing it out to get him a specific haircut. I was actually planning on asking the hairdresser what she could do with it because it looks better when it's a bit longer.

[NanceXToo]

:iagree: too (with Hillary).

 

I'd be mad. But I wouldn't want to show that to my son.

 

I'd have to tell MIL (or have dh tell her), though, in a very firm manner, "I am unhappy that you cut our son's hair without our permission. Please do not EVER do that again."

[tex-mex]

That happened to us once. My kids "Crazy Uncle X" gave them buzz cuts. :glare:

 

I was kind of upset at first, but realized that it was just hair. 2 months later their hair had grown back. And they have a great story to tell. :D

 

Now, the buzz cuts affected how often and under what situations our kids visit the in-laws. But I didn't ever discuss it with the uncle, and probably won't unless it comes up.

 

You may want to calm down a bit before you see your ds. He's small, and may worry that you're angry with *him* or angry that *he* should have done or said something to his grandmother. You probably don't want to show how upset you are to him.

 

Maybe just laugh it off with him and say, "My! Looks like Babushka missed a couple of spots! Let's go down to get your hair straightened out a bit. "

 

Here's a chance to get caught up on the haircut you missed this month. :)

:iagree: Not worth waging WWIII and permanent non-communication over the matter. Perhaps you could offer the kiddos to style or cut MIL's hair as a result? ;)

[fairfarmhand]

you could offer to give HER a haircut.

 

:sneaky2:

[jujsky]

:lol:

At least your DH can stand up to his mother, right? It could be worse. He could be defending her.

 

I know it! He is really good about standing up to her. He came in with his hands up saying, "You're going to be mad......" I'm surprised he didn't throw little pieces of chocolate at me in an attempt to pacify me!

[jujsky]

you could offer to give HER a haircut.

 

:sneaky2:

 

I have SO thought about it! That's what I said to my mom when I called her to vent. She was here last weekend and we were just talking about how my grandmother did that to me when I was 2, after asking my mom and being told no. 33 years later & she's still mad, so I knew she'd understand!

[tex-mex]

I agree, but I think DH kind of blew that already.

But that is HIS mother. He has the right to speak to her like that if she crossed the line. Family dynamics. You? MIL is not blood. So, technically tho' she may deserve a harsh yelling... leave it between her son and her. It will hurt her far worse to have it come from her baby boy than you. HTH

[tex-mex]

:lol:

At least your DH can stand up to his mother, right? It could be worse. He could be defending her.

:iagree: Props to the OP's hubs... many of us would LOVE to have our hubs stand up for us to his own Mother. That man deserves a prize!

[Starr]

Focus on the supportive husband! Easier said than done. I would be furious!

[jujsky]

:iagree: Props to the OP's hubs... many of us would LOVE to have our hubs stand up for us to his own Mother. That man deserves a prize!

 

He does deserve props! He really is one in a million!

[Denisemomof4]

how RUDE!

 

Boundaries. Set them, stick to them, and DON'T BACK DOWN. If she can't respect your boundaries, she can't see your children outside your presence. Period. Trust me - I've been through this. It is what brought my relationship with my parents to such a beautiful place. The boundaries drove my sister away but they made my parents respect me more, and we went on to have a wonderful relationship for the first time in my life when I was in my 30's.

 

Your il's will either respect them or they won't, but they won't be allowed to disrespect both you and your husband anymore.

[Mom0012]

:iagree: Not worth waging WWIII and permanent non-communication over the matter. Perhaps you could offer the kiddos to style or cut MIL's hair as a result? ;)

 

I like this response. Show up with your scissors and barber's comb when you go to pick up the kids!:D

 

Lisa

[Hillary in KS]

I think you are missing the part about the MIL asking several times if she could cut his hair. She thought she could step in and play mom.

 

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't advise anyone to stand for that sort of controlling from a relative or anyone else for that matter.

 

No, I didn't miss anything. :001_huh:

 

This is not something I would launch into WW3 over. It's. a. haircut.

 

Yes, MIL did something she clearly knew that OP and her DH didn't want. That is a concern.

 

Would I go ballistic on MIL? No.

 

Would I consider myself warned and use this incident to make judgments on how any future time with my dc will be spent? Absolutely.

 

All of this I essentially covered in my first post, though I did not lay it out and state it so plainly. Perhaps you missed it? :tongue_smilie:

[Denisemomof4]

I think you are missing the part about the MIL asking several times if she could cut his hair. She thought she could step in and play mom.

 

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't advise anyone to stand for that sort of controlling from a relative or anyone else for that matter.

 

:iagree:

 

ETA: I wouldn't go ballistic or start WWIII and I do think the words need to come from dh's mouth, but I do absolutely think firm boundaries are a necessity with people like your presumptuous MIL.

Edited April 2, 2011 by Denisemomof4

[Hillary in KS]

:iagree: Not worth waging WWIII and permanent non-communication over the matter. Perhaps you could offer the kiddos to style or cut MIL's hair as a result? ;)

 

:lol:

 

Love it!!

[Perry]

 

Boundaries. Set them, stick to them, and DON'T BACK DOWN. If she can't respect your boundaries, she can't see your children outside your presence. Period.

 

Yes. My in-laws lost their privileges when they repeatedly chose to ignore some basic safety rules we had about car seats and seat belts. They're all teens now and still don't have unsupervised visits.

[UmMusa]

to the OP: please don't get so mad that you're shaking!!! it's not worth it. sure it was rude and inconsiderate. this happens with relatives and mothers-in-law. don't let her action have that affect on you. it will likely change how you feel about her for a while (and I've gone through something like that before), and that's ok, but don't get mad :) At least she wasn't compromising your religion or beliefs or something heavy like that!

[jujsky]

Yes. My in-laws lost their privileges when they repeatedly chose to ignore some basic safety rules we had about car seats and seat belts. They're all teens now and still don't have unsupervised visits.

 

Mine almost did about a year ago over the car seat issue. We had this huge blow-up over it, things calmed down, MIL even apologized (a first!) and said that she understood our boundary issues. Apparently she doesn't. I guess she tried to laugh the whole thing off when DH confronted her, and that makes me even more upset.

[blessed2fosteradopt]

:iagree: Props to the OP's hubs... many of us would LOVE to have our hubs stand up for us to his own Mother. That man deserves a prize!

 

Yes, yes, yes!!! :iagree:

[myfunnybunch]

First, :grouphug:

 

It really stinks that she disrespected you so blatantly. It would make me really angry too.

 

The haircut is just hair. You can take him for a trim and it will grow back.

 

About the disrespect, restrict future visits. If your dh feels the need to address the issue further with his mother, let him do it. Otherwise, you don't even have to say anything beyond, "No thank you," or "The kids are busy that weekend," or "We'd all like to come visit you together." (Ha!)

 

:grouphug:

 

Cat

[EJCMom]

I just can't imagine the audacity it would take to do something like that knowing that the child's parents had expressly forbidden it. It would be no different than if you asked your MIL if you could paint her house neon pink, and when she said no, you snuck over to her house and painted it neon pink while she was out of town. Could the house be re-painted? Sure. But it's the height of disrespect to alter someone else's property when they've asked you not to.

[Nestof3]

I don't think I recommended WWIII or going ballistic. But, I have had to use the very words I recommended to the OP on my own dad. I have had experience with in-laws who don't have respect for parental decisions. In my experience, it shows its face often in many different ways.

 

That's why I suggested a direct approach -- now -- before it gets worse.

 

Some in-laws just have a real hard time not continuing on as though they are just parenting all over again.

 

No, I didn't miss anything. :001_huh:

 

This is not something I would launch into WW3 over. It's. a. haircut.

 

Yes, MIL did something she clearly knew that OP and her DH didn't want. That is a concern.

 

Would I go ballistic on MIL? No.

 

Would I consider myself warned and use this incident to make judgments on how any future time with my dc will be spent? Absolutely.

 

All of this I essentially covered in my first post, though I did not lay it out and state it so plainly. Perhaps you missed it? :tongue_smilie:

[Impish]

Its not about hair, imo, its about the complete, blatant, utter disregard for what a parent has decided for their child. Would anyone be dismissive if inlaws took it upon themselves to register a child and bring them for the first day of school behind a homeschool parent's back?

 

The idea that, "Oh well...families/inlaws do this stuff" boggles my mind, to be honest. I don't understand where ANYONE ever comes up with the idea to do what they please with someone else's child...I don't care if its their grandchild or not.

 

Yes, the hair will grow back...a heck of a lot faster than the trust will, if it ever does.

 

ETA: I've dealt with the blatant disrespect issue, obviously. What touched the match to rocket fuel here was the added smug look of, "I did what I want, you can't stop me." when the defiance of our wishes was first discovered.

Edited April 2, 2011 by Impish

[Danestress]

And say that I think it's fine for your to talk directly with your MIL about this. I wouldn't do it while I was still really angry. It really is just hair. No point in having a major war.

 

But on another level, she is usurping the Mom function, and I think it's fine for you to tell her as the Mom, "We love you, the kids love you, but there is only one Mom here, and it's me. If I tell you "no" to something, you have to respect that."

 

I think some women have a long history of discounting and ignoring the opinions of their children. She may not really care that DH expressed displeasure.

 

When I married DH, he was a widow with a child, and his Mom had done some of the "Mom stuff" for a few years. In the first year or two of our marriage, he tried a number of ways to tell her that she needed to back down a bit from that role. He wasn't successful. I finally just told her, "Look, I know I am young and inexperienced, but I am still the best shot at a Mom that this kid has, and I am being a Mom to him, and you need to let me do that without inserting yourself."

 

I only had to tell her once. We have a great relationship. And she's a great *grandmother.*

[*~Tina~*]

Oh my goodness! My jaw was literally hanging open reading this. Unbelievable. I would be beyond livid too! :cursing:

 

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. :grouphug:

[Whereneverever]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Mejane]

I agree with Perry. I'd tell her she is obviously not to be trusted alone with our kids as she blatantly disregards our wishes. Really, what's next? Stealth-christening? (as an example.) :glare:

Edited April 2, 2011 by Mejane

[jujsky]

Its not about hair, imo, its about the complete, blatant, utter disregard for what a parent has decided for their child. Would anyone be dismissive if inlaws took it upon themselves to register a child and bring them for the first day of school behind a homeschool parent's back?

 

The idea that, "Oh well...families/inlaws do this stuff" boggles my mind, to be honest. I don't understand where ANYONE ever comes up with the idea to do what they please with someone else's child...I don't care if its their grandchild or not.

 

Yes, the hair will grow back...a heck of a lot faster than the trust will, if it ever does.

 

ETA: I've dealt with the blatant disrespect issue, obviously. What touched the match to rocket fuel here was the added smug look of, "I did what I want, you can't stop me." when the defiance of our wishes was first discovered.

 

:iagree: This. Yes. Thank you! I realize it's just hair and that it will grow back. He's also a 7 year-old boy so he doesn't even care that much about hair. The point is the trust issue. It has taken me a long, long time to trust her. When she does stuff like this, it shows me yet again that my trust is misplaced. And your bit about the smug look adding fuel to the fire? Exactly! That's part of why I'm so mad -- that she just laughed it off when DH confronted her like it was no big deal. It's like so.....dismissive...of us as parents, our wishes, and our feelings. This is not the first time something like this has been done. This was happening with our dogs before we even had kids. We expressly told her not to feed them at the table because we didn't want to encourage begging. What does she do? Sneak them food under the table, and now she doesn't even bother to sneak it. Our remaining dog is the biggest. mooch. EVER. now because of her. Then she gets mad that the dog won't leave her alone at the table! Well, duh!

 

Since we've been parents it's cropped up over and over again. The car-seat thing about a year ago was supposed to be the "last chance," when it came to disregarding our wishes. Now DH wants to make the haircut issue the "last chance," and I told him no. I won't stop her from seeing the kids, but I don't want her to be alone with them. I don't want any sleep-overs, and they won't be baby-sitting. I don't want this to be forever, but I feel like I need to send a clear message until she can prove to me that I can trust her. If not, how many "last chances" are we going to give her? If there are no consequences, she'll just keep doing whatever she wants. It sucks and I don't want to do this because the kids enjoy being with them and they do a lot of fun things with the kids (trips to museums, plays, special classes, etc.), but I can't allow her to keep disregarding our wishes.

[jujsky]

And say that I think it's fine for your to talk directly with your MIL about this. I wouldn't do it while I was still really angry. It really is just hair. No point in having a major war.

 

But on another level, she is usurping the Mom function, and I think it's fine for you to tell her as the Mom, "We love you, the kids love you, but there is only one Mom here, and it's me. If I tell you "no" to something, you have to respect that."

 

I think some women have a long history of discounting and ignoring the opinions of their children. She may not really care that DH expressed displeasure.

 

When I married DH, he was a widow with a child, and his Mom had done some of the "Mom stuff" for a few years. In the first year or two of our marriage, he tried a number of ways to tell her that she needed to back down a bit from that role. He wasn't successful. I finally just told her, "Look, I know I am young and inexperienced, but I am still the best shot at a Mom that this kid has, and I am being a Mom to him, and you need to let me do that without inserting yourself."

 

I only had to tell her once. We have a great relationship. And she's a great *grandmother.*

 

Thank you. This was a great, level-headed response. I am going to talk to her because she blows DH off a lot more than she blows me off. I AM giving her consequences for her actions though.

[bzymom]

Wow! I would have lost my mind. I give you and your husband credit for not reacting explosively. And I think you are right on track by limiting any time with these grandparents to supervised time. They have shown they are willing to completely disrespect your wishes, and even defy your specific directions regarding your children. (And where was Grandpa during this debacle???)

 

I hope your son is happy with his haircut once you get to the appointment.

[Lady Florida.]

I'd wait until I calm down before I talk to her though. Too many things are said in anger that are later regretted. Better to vent here and with your dh, then be calm and rational, but firm, when you finally do talk to her.

 

While I agree it's only hair and will grow back, it's really about boundaries. It sounds like this was just the last straw in a number of boundary issues.

[BlessedMom]

:grouphug: I am so sorry this has happened. :grouphug:

[Pretty in Pink]

I can sympathize. My MIL had this done once to THREE of my kids when they spent a long weekend at their house. When I returned to pick the boys up, she proudly announced that they finally had proper haircuts! Their heads were practically bald, and the barber she had taken them to used the clippers to carve a perfectly straight line around the tops of their heads, from ear to ear! They. had. no. hairlines! :grouphug:

[parias1126]

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I know how you feel. When my DD (now 18) was 2, I went to pick her up from my moms house to find she had given her her very FIRST haircut!! I was so mad...feeling exactly as you described.

[MamaT]

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I know how you feel. When my DD (now 18) was 2, I went to pick her up from my moms house to find she had given her her very FIRST haircut!! I was so mad...feeling exactly as you described.

 

This happened to me as well, except it was my oldest son who was 2 at the time. My mom gave him first haircut and I just couldn't believe it. I totally understand how you feel OP.

[kalanamak]

:grouphug: I am so sorry this has happened. :grouphug:

 

 

:iagree: And, if I can say this gently, and you should only apply it if it, well, applies: does she feel she has more permission to "do" as she pleases because of the money? If so, she is NOT ALONE. It is a common family situation on this board.

[jujsky]

:iagree: And, if I can say this gently, and you should only apply it if it, well, applies: does she feel she has more permission to "do" as she pleases because of the money? If so, she is NOT ALONE. It is a common family situation on this board.

 

I don't think so -- at least she's never played the money card. I think she knows if she did that I would never accept another penny from her. Ever. For anything. They definitely help and make things easier for us, but we could handle all the kids' activity fees and such if we had to -- we'd just have to sacrifice in other areas.

 

She does as she pleases because that's her personality. The rules don't apply to her. She is very much like my own grandmother (mother's mom) and my mom fought similar battles with her all the time. All of my aunts & uncles fought the same battle with my grandmother too. She took this attitude of, "I'm the grandmother, I can do as I please," and MIL has the same attitude.

 

I have calmed down somewhat. At least I'm no longer shaking, no longer seeing red, and I'm not dropping the f-bomb every two seconds. DH and I had a talk because I want to limit contact, he wants to give her one last chance. We compromised. I am going to talk to her tomorrow and express (calmly, but firmly) that I don't feel I can trust her with the children after what she did. DH said that way it keeps it open and gives her a chance to apologize and listen to things from our POV. If she jumps right into her typical, defensive, blaming behavior (ex: "You should have taken him in for a haircut sooner.") then DH will completely support me in supervising their contact with the children until the message has been received and some trust has been rebuilt.

 

Oh, someone asked where my FIL was in all this. I have NO idea! I intend to find out tomorrow. He had to know we wouldn't approve of this. I'd really like to know why he either didn't stop her or call us. He generally has very good judgment.

 

I feel so bad for DS! DH was describing the haircut to my brother and my SIL tonight and it sounds just awful!