First Communion Dilemma

[astrid]

Here's the back story:

 

Dh and I were both raised Catholic. For a variety of reasons, we are no longer Catholic, and dd was baptized in our church at the time which was a UCC Protestant church. Dh's entire family, including his sister, are still practicing Catholics.

 

A week ago we received an invitation to dh's nephew's First Communion. It's his sister's son. Apparently it's a big affair, with full-page, professionally printed invitations for the ceremony on April 30th with a reception afterward at SIL's house. The invitation was interesting in that it included the line: "RSVP for church and/or reception by....."

 

Now, dh and I immediately raised an eyebrow and wondered whether that line was intended for us, and just exactly how we should take it:

1. We are not welcome at the church, as they know we are no longer Catholic, but are welcome to come to the house (and bring a gift!)

2. They are leaving it up to us as to whether we attend the Mass.

 

Personally, we'd be uncomfortable either way-- attending a Mass more as "spectators," or just arriving for the party, so to speak. However, it's close family, and we are certainly happy for Ray's nephew and understand the significance of the event.

 

It's just an uncomfortable situation, but not one we did not expect at some point in the future.

 

BUT-- this kind of big shebang is a bit different from years ago when dh and I made our First Communion. Is this the norm nowadays? What is expected/appropriate as a gift? Especially coming from non-Catholics?

 

Thanks for any advice!

 

astrid

[Mrs Mungo]

I would assume #2, they are leaving it up to you. I wouldn't necessarily assume that the line is just for you. We've been invited to baptisms and communions for friends, and there were several non-Catholics at the church.

[abbeyej]

Agreeing with Mrs. Mungo. They're leaving it up to you and if you went, you would be *very* unlikely to be the *only* non-Catholics at the service.

[Impish]

I'd view the RSVP line differently. Schedules can be so hectic today that folks that may not be able to make it to Mass/Reception can make it to the other.

 

My son went through it, and none of my family is Catholic. They all attended anyways, then came back to my place after. Even my Dad, who had fears of bursting into flame.

 

My eldest has 2 Catholic God parents. Diva has a Catholic God mother, and then my younger brother...who, interestingly enough, is now in the process of converting to Catholicism (12 yrs later!)

 

I didn't expect gifts at all. It was about folks sharing the event with my son, and then being able to get together and visit after. Honestly, I can't even remember any gifts, although I'm pretty sure his Godparents gave him something...I'd look at your local Christian store, and see what they have. Usually there's a few shelves dedicated to different events, and that can at least give you some ideas.

[elfgivas]

fwiw, its an important day for them, so i'd err on the side of going for it all, and focusing on love of family.

 

enjoy!

ann

[Carol in Cal.]

Last year my daughter was confirmed. We invited people to join us by email. I was stunned when one (close, but mean and very passive-aggressive) relative spoke of choosing either the church service OR the party, to limit their attendance time. I couldn't believe that anyone would consider that. When they finally did RSVP, they didn't say which they would attend. Then they came to both, but showed up very late for each of them (quite a feat in the second case, since the reception was directly after the service.) It made me wish that I had put separate RSVP's in for the church service as for the reception. Since they were SO late for the reception, we waited for them for over half and hour, and then started without them. All that time I didn't really know whether they were coming or not. My daughter was distraught, the food all got cold, the special seats for them at the head table went empty, and several guests left before the meal. It was really, really nasty.

 

Maybe your relatives have heard of similar experiences and are making sure that they understand how many people to prepare for in each case. It doesn't sound like, and I very much doubt, that their wording is aimed at you specifically, although I do know enough about family disfunction (see above) to understand that it IS possible.

 

In any case, I don't see anything wrong with attending the Mass as a spectator. It would be a supportive act to just show up and be polite. It's not a statement of faith. And if there is a family disfunction issue here, you have the opportunity to be the gracious, mature ones by RSVP-ing as if the invitation is perfectly normal, and by showing up, congratulating your relative, and passing the bean dip if and when anybody gives you a hard time about your own change in affiliation.

Edited April 2, 2011 by Carol in Cal.

[Ravin]

As a non-Christian, if one of DD's friends invited her to her first communion, baptism, bar mitzvah, or whatever I would totally take her. We've gone to friends' baptisms before and I was the only member of the family who WOULD go when my sister got baptized LDS (as an adult).

 

I see it as both a chance to celebrate with people we care about and a learning opportunity.

[Starr]

I think they are being welcoming and you are invited to participate however you wish. I think you would be welcomed at the service as a non catholic. You wouldn't be viewed as an interloper. The party will be like any fun celebration and while religious gifts are nice so are other thoughtful birthdayish gifts. And yes for the big party. It seems to be the norm (and we aren't Catholic). Go and enjoy being with the family.

[unsinkable]

I might guess that it has more to do with seating at Mass than anything else. First Communions are usually standing room only. Maybe they want to make sure to save you a seat.

[bbmom]

I have attended several first communions for close family friends and have never been Catholic. I did go to the mass and the reception for all of them (as the communion in the church is the reason for the celebration!) and was comfortable in both places-first communion is a big deal where we are and the church service was part of it (to me anyway.) I would assume you are not the only non-Catholics invited and they wanted everyone invited to feel comfortable in coming to the reception whether or not they felt comfortable attending the mass-I don't think that line was included specifically for you-they likely just want everyone invited to come and share in his special day regardless of their religious affiliation.

 

ETA: We always just gave a card with money as a gift.

Edited April 2, 2011 by bbmom

[ChrisB]

You wouldn't be viewed as an interloper...Go and enjoy being with the family.

:iagree:They'll be happy that you came.

 

I might guess that it has more to do with seating at Mass than anything else. First Communions are usually standing room only. Maybe they want to make sure to save you a seat.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I think it has to do with the seating.

[momof1gr8girl]

I think it is perfectly fine for non-Catholics or former Catholics to go to the First Communion. You wouldn't expect everyone at a Catholic wedding ceremony to be Catholic and this is another Catholic sacrament.

 

I'm a bit confused by the RSVP not because I think it is directly related to you but because why would anyone have to RSVP for the church portion? The church is a public place and anyone can attend. The party is different in that there are food considerations.

 

As for the formal invitations, etc. I agree that when I was a child it was a little party at home with just the family, cake and a few family friends. It's different now. Our daughter made her first communion before I left the church and we had formal invitations and a sit down dinner for 50+ at our country club.

[jelbe5]

I am a former (divorced) Catholic (chose not to seek annulment) and am now married to a Lutheran and attend Lutheran church with my dh and three children. We have attended Catholic Baptisms, Funerals, Weddings and First Communions (no Confirmations yet!). My family always makes us feel welcome and I am happy to be able to share in their special Catholic milestone events.

 

The First Communion events, in particular, fill the church quickly, so I would also agree, perhaps they are trying to reserve the correct number of seats for those coming. The churches we have attended for First Communions are PACKED with standing room only . . .

[HeidiKC]

I might guess that it has more to do with seating at Mass than anything else. First Communions are usually standing room only. Maybe they want to make sure to save you a seat.

 

I agree. I really don't think the line was meant just for you. I say this gently, but I'm wondering if you might be overly sensitive about the situation? It is a special day for your nephew and his family and is not about sending a message to anyone else about their religious views. I would definitely go to each. Many non-Catholics go to First Communion Masses, since there are many inter-faith families. (There are SO many couples at our Catholic church where one spouse is either not Catholic or has converted - meaning family members are likely not Catholic). I realize you may have feelings about being uncomfortable in a Catholic Church, but honestly - you can be just a spectator if that is what you wish. Just be there for your nephew and his family and show your daughter that's what families do. I'd probably do this without much commentary unless she asks.

 

Big she-bangs? I don't know. I think it probably totally depends on the family. Our family just had a simple lunch and cake and no invitations or anything. I think that's what the majority do, but I'm sure there are some families or areas where a big to-do is the norm. I have not heard of this, and we are in a fairly wealthy parish.

 

Gifts:

- my mom gave my son an AWESOME gift! It was a fish fossil. She wrote something about how it had stood the test of time, and she hoped his faith would as well or some pretty poetic comparison! Not sure if you are Christian, but even if not - I think it'd be a cool gift without any message other than that you thought he might like it since it the fish is a Christian symbol.

 

- Money is always welcome (although I'm not a fan of that).

 

- If you feel comfortable giving a Christian gift: hit a Christian bookstore (doesn't have to be Catholic, but you might be careful about what you select) and maybe give a music CD or a Bible atlas for kids? The Holman Bible Atlas looks great to me - maybe a bit old for 7-year-old, but mine would probably love that.

 

- animated DVD on some of the saints or Biblical figures. We have a great animated series my boys love - lots of swords and stuff. One is on Francis of Assisi ("Francis: Knight of Assisi") and this same company has several other good ones - I'm PRETTY sure they are Catholic, not sure. "Greatest Adventure Stories From the Bible" is good, but not Catholic. You might ask around or read reviews before giving that as I'm not sure if there might be a Protestant message in them (as in needing to be saved). I don't THINK there is, but not sure! This doesn't bother me, but it might some Catholics.

 

Personally I'd stay away from religious statues and trinkets and such, especially for a boy. Waste, I think!

 

Good luck and try to enjoy his special day. I know they aren't trying to send any message to you, just trying to plan for the crowd, etc.

Edited April 2, 2011 by HeidiKC

[JFSinIL]

Um, you do NOT have to be Catholic to attend. My niece's Jewish grandma attended both of their First Communions.

 

Of course, when one baby yowled, Grandma spoke up "She doesn't like her party". ;)

[wapiti]

I have another two making First Communion this year. Our church allows a limited number of persons per family. We have to let the church know how many we will have so that extra spots can be allotted to others. Our parish has around 200 kids making this sacrament this year, as usual, and it will still be standing room only despite dividing them up into different masses.

 

We have six kids, so between oursleves and two grandmothers, we already max out the number who can go to the mass. The rest of the extended family will be invited to join us back at home for a casual lunch - probably involving the grill - and a special cake (I'll be changing my clothes, I'm sure ;)).

 

It sounds like you may be feeling a little sensitive on the issue of Catholicism within your extended family. If you weren't welcome, you wouldn't have been invited. Go to the reception or both mass and the reception, or neither, whichever you are up for, and enjoy! :)

Edited April 2, 2011 by wapiti

[Sherry in OH]

I think they are leaving it up to you. If you RSVP for the mass, they will save seats for you. You will be seated with the rest of your niece's guests. If you don't RSVP, you can still attend. You just won't get reserved seating.

 

The only part of the service you won't be able to participate in is communion. Many protestant churches practice open communion. Catholic Churches do not.

[Audrey]

Here's the back story:

 

Dh and I were both raised Catholic. For a variety of reasons, we are no longer Catholic, and dd was baptized in our church at the time which was a UCC Protestant church. Dh's entire family, including his sister, are still practicing Catholics.

 

A week ago we received an invitation to dh's nephew's First Communion. It's his sister's son. Apparently it's a big affair, with full-page, professionally printed invitations for the ceremony on April 30th with a reception afterward at SIL's house. The invitation was interesting in that it included the line: "RSVP for church and/or reception by....."

 

Now, dh and I immediately raised an eyebrow and wondered whether that line was intended for us, and just exactly how we should take it:

1. We are not welcome at the church, as they know we are no longer Catholic, but are welcome to come to the house (and bring a gift!)

2. They are leaving it up to us as to whether we attend the Mass.

 

Personally, we'd be uncomfortable either way-- attending a Mass more as "spectators," or just arriving for the party, so to speak. However, it's close family, and we are certainly happy for Ray's nephew and understand the significance of the event.

 

It's just an uncomfortable situation, but not one we did not expect at some point in the future.

 

BUT-- this kind of big shebang is a bit different from years ago when dh and I made our First Communion. Is this the norm nowadays? What is expected/appropriate as a gift? Especially coming from non-Catholics?

 

Thanks for any advice!

 

astrid

 

 

Ah! I have received many of these and they all say the same thing "church and/or reception." It is understood to mean that you can RSVP for church OR reception OR both, but please state which parts you will be attending. They need to know how people will be in the church because there is limited seating (and will they have to set up extra chairs in the back). The reception RSVP is needed to know how much food to supply.

 

I don't believe there is anything more to it than that. Simply logistics.

 

FWIW, we usually only RSVP for the reception, so actual seats are available for the older folks. Those extra chairs are VERY uncomfortable, and I will stand and get others to stand before I'd make an elderly person sit in one of those.

Edited April 2, 2011 by Audrey

[Crimson Wife]

Everyone of whatever faith or lack thereof welcome at a First Communion Mass. My mom and her family are Protestant and they attended plenty of First Communions and other Catholic ceremonies over the years. If you are not a practicing Catholic in good standing, you would simply not take Communion. You could go up to receive a blessing if you wish and indicate that you are not receiving by crossing your arms over your chest.

 

My dad's family is Irish Catholic and making a big deal out of the FHC is a cultural norm. I would say that my FHC was the biggest party in my honor until my H.S. graduation.

 

We had our 3rd child baptized on the same day as my oldest's FHC and had about 70 guests all together. Some folks attended the Mass but couldn't stay for the reception while others couldn't make the Mass but did come in the afternoon for the reception. Saturdays are so busy that not everyone can commit to a 5 hour block of time.

[bettyandbob]

I would assume they were giving you the option of going to the mass or just going to the reception.

 

I don't understand how 1st communions became major party/present events, but it is a trend I've seen. I remember nice family meals after religious ceremony. Anyway, I'd give a nice book that the I thought the child would enjoy. I wouldn't make it a big present.

[Sparkle]

Yes, I vote for simple logistics. I know when my dd made her 1st communion, they did all the kids at one Mass. Each family got 1 pew max to hold all the invitees, and the church was packed. We had some non-Catholic friends that we wanted to share the day with, so we invited them to the reception only, and just invited the Catholic relatives to the Mass. If they have room for you to attend both, great. If you only want to go to one or the other, that sounds like it would be fine. I think they just want to share a special day with you. There will almost certainly be plenty of non-Catholics in attendance, so I wouldn't worry about that aspect.

 

As a side note, I will agree with you about First Communion (and even First Reconciliation) becoming such a huge deal. I understand about wanting to share with the community and with family, but I see it getting overblown at some parishes.

[Parrothead]

Ah! I have received many of these and they all say the same thing "church and/or reception." It is understood to mean that you can RSVP for church OR reception OR both, but please state which parts you will be attending. They need to know how people will be in the church because there is limited seating (and will they have to set up extra chairs in the back). The reception RSVP is needed to know how much food to supply.

 

I don't believe there is anything more to it than that. Simply logistics.

 

:iagree: Yup, what Audry said. I can't imagine it is anything other than logistics.

[Kim in Appalachia]

meaning, it seems to be the norm to invite people to either/or the service and reception. There are various reasons for it. It can have to do with work conflicts, health issues (some people can not sit in the hard pews of a church), or other reasons. I doubt they were singling you out.

 

First Communion and Conformation (as well as Baptism) have always been a big deal. Even when I was younger there were large parties to celebrate the events. I grew up in a Catholic area and such parties were common.

[Melinda in VT]

:grouphug:

 

We have a similar situation with regards to religion in our extended family (although the religion is different), and I know what it is like to have passive-aggressive subtext to things like this . . . and to wonder whether the subtext is really there or all in your head.

 

I've found that I'm happier with myself when I refuse to pick up on the subtext. When it becomes text, I'll say something. ;)

 

In this case, as a distant observer, based only on what you have shared here, I'd say there is no subtext and they are just trying to nail down the logistics.

 

If a Catholic church service is like nails on a chalkboard to you, I'd just go to the reception. Otherwise, for a nephew's confirmation, I'd probably attend both as a show of family love and support.

[Ohdanigirl]

I would not assume that this was added just for you.

 

First Communion services can get really full, so not attending the service is not uncommon. First communion is a big deal for those going through it, and going to the service to show your love for this child would not make you just a spectator. It is really up to you, and I truly believe that your family is leaving the decision in your hands.

 

Danielle

[littlebug42]

We have very dear friends with whom we share all of the important events in our children's lives. Some of them are not Christian, some are ex-Catholic and some are Catholic. When dd9 had her 1st Communion last year, we wanted them to share in her day but honestly, did not expect everyone to attend the Mass. I would take the mass and/or reception thing to mean that they didn't want to force you to come to Mass if you didn't want to but still want you to share the day with them. This may extend to others and not just you as well. FWIW, most of our friends did attend the Mass anyway, Catholic or not. It was not a huge gathering but it was a lovely day.

[prairiebird]

We are putting that same wording on our boys invitations because some people might just want to go to the church and some might just be swinging by the party for a little while. There might be 30 billion parties that same weekend by us, so I wanted people to have the option to know they can drop in if they want and if they are wanting to see the actual service, they are welcome.

 

 

My heritage and my husband's both made a huge deal out of our communions when we were kids. We both remember having gigantic parties. We are actually bucking the trend by having a small gathering afterward because there's no way we could foot the bill for a large party at this time. (For my husband's side, many Kegs of beer are also required. It's insane!)

[LostSurprise]

Another for logistics.

 

When my I was a child we were limited to 1 pew of family. Our entire class received communion at the same time and there was only so much room. Extended family was invited to the party. Grandparents were given the option to come to either or both. When my nephew took his we weren't even invited to the church there was so little room.

 

Different families and cultures have different expectations about Communion gifts. Growing up we expected no gifts (or perhaps something from our godparents or grandparents but certainly not from everyone at the party!). My SIL's in-laws are a very close-knit Polish family and gifts are expected from everyone on that side (and the party is also bigger).

[astrid]

Yes, I realize we don't have to be Catholic to attend. I"m just wondering if those who ARE Catholic in attendance (98% of the attendees, I'm sure) will look askance at us for attending when we have left the Catholic faith.

 

As in, will we be intruding? Did they invite us to be polite? Will THEY be uncomfortable if we attend, but don't participate in the Mass?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

astrid

[OrganicAnn]

Unless you have past experience that they will feel uncomfortable, then I would assume that they will be fine if you attend and do not participate.

 

My family is Catholic, my sister and brother both married non-Catholics and had non-Catholic ceremonies. They are adults, they get to choose what they want to do with their lives. They come to our baptism, etc. Lots of families are like this.

 

I'm sure they will be glad that you attend and won't be worried about whether you will participating in the Mass.

[elizabeth]

Yes, I realize we don't have to be Catholic to attend. I"m just wondering if those who ARE Catholic in attendance (98% of the attendees, I'm sure) will look askance at us for attending when we have left the Catholic faith. None of their business whatsoever.

 

As in, will we be intruding?No. Did they invite us to be polite? Will THEY be uncomfortable if we attend, but don't participate in the Mass? No again not their place.

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

astrid

 

AStrid it should be fine. If not it is a learning opportunity for them to act graciously and leave well enough alone.

[2squared]

Yes, I realize we don't have to be Catholic to attend. I"m just wondering if those who ARE Catholic in attendance (98% of the attendees, I'm sure) will look askance at us for attending when we have left the Catholic faith.

 

As in, will we be intruding? Did they invite us to be polite? Will THEY be uncomfortable if we attend, but don't participate in the Mass?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

astrid

 

No. It is completely normal and expected that non-Catholic relatives will attend mass at these events. At our Confirmation service last month, our normal Sunday attendance was doubled, and most of the newbies clearly weren't Catholic. NonCatholics are pretty easy to spot at mass, but honestly, I wouldn't expect anyone to be taking tabs on what you are doing throughout the Mass. :001_smile:

[elizabeth]

However, having said that I know how difficult that might be and am in the same situation in many ways. Fortunately my disability leaves me unable to do many things so I can and have been evasive regarding non attendance at such functions. As far as that goes, it really is not their dam* business. Should I be questioned they will get answers that leave them squeamish at best and running for the nearest exit if there is a sense of humor in the powers that be. Serves them right. It seems that no one considers certain subjects taboo anymore and everyone wants to be a dam* Oprah...Someone did ask recently and I said if you have about 3 hours we can discuss it . They went away quickly. :lol:

[Teachin'Mine]

I'm guessing that they're asking everyone as they need numbers for both. Some churches will reserve seating for a certain number of family members. For the meal, they want to plan accordingly.

 

Everyone is welcome in a Catholic church for baptisms, First Holy Communion, etc. regardless of their own religion. Now that I think about it, people of other religions are welcome at any time. :) The only part of the Mass which is generally for Catholics only is Communion.

 

Just read your last question, and I think they'd be happy to have you there on their special day. Catholic churches generally have a large attendance, especially for First Holy Communion. No one, other than your family, would even think about whether you're a past Catholic or not. I can't imagine that your family would feel uncomfortable about your not participating - I think they'd be happy to have you there.

Edited April 3, 2011 by Teachin'Mine

[HeidiKC]

Yes, I realize we don't have to be Catholic to attend. I"m just wondering if those who ARE Catholic in attendance (98% of the attendees, I'm sure) will look askance at us for attending when we have left the Catholic faith.

 

As in, will we be intruding? Did they invite us to be polite? Will THEY be uncomfortable if we attend, but don't participate in the Mass?

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

astrid

 

No, no one will care. I don't mean this to be rude - but they'll hardly notice you and will be focused on your nephew. Imagine it was your church someone left - would you care all that much or be uncomfortable to have them attend or look askance at them? I don't know you, but I doubt it. You'd probably be glad to have them if you even gave it much thought. They'll know you are there for your nephew, and not for any other reason. You're not there to show them you don't participate in Mass anymore, for example!

 

Imagine if it were a close friend or family member of another faith. Just go and enjoy celebrating and being with family. I hope it is a nice day for your family. I do understand your feeling funny about it, but hope you won't think about that.

[Sugarfoot]

Agreeing with everyone else about church seating. Our parish actually asks families for a relative/guest count so pews can be roped off. And 1st Communion services are always attended by lots of non- Catholic guests.

 

A saint's medal might be a nice gift, or maybe a rosary.