Is our response to this situation appropriate?

[IlluminatedAttic]

My dh and I were devastated tonight to find out that we are being cut out of the life of a dear friend, a person whom we have considered family for several years and who has often referred to us in the same terms. He is, in fact, named as guardian of our children in our will (yes, we'll be changing that).

 

The back story is that he and my sister had a secret emotional affair a few years ago. Nothing 'majorly' physical happened as they were living on opposite coasts and only saw each other twice at family events with no time alone. (Yeah, I know, but we do believe them both on this point.) Anyway, my sister rededicated herself to her marriage (she was separated at the time this happened) and moved forward to a strong relationship, she now has children and her marriage is solid. Our friend also moved on, dating a few women until finding "the one". We met her, she was very nice, beautiful, fun - we liked her. DF and DS kept in touch here and there, basically like in-laws with us in common. So at some point in the first months of his relationship with "the one", DF sent a few emails to DS asking relationship advice. She advised, life continued. Then a few months later "the one" found said emails, "needed to know" who DS was and DF felt the need to confess all. He was immediately required to cut off all contact with my DS, which he did and she respected. All of this happened without my or DH's knowledge. (Okay, we knew DF had a crush on DS way back when but never knew any of the rest until today.)

 

So DF has become increasingly difficult to contact over the past year. We now live several thousand miles away so phone calls and emails are the only option. More and more have gone unanswered. Lately we had been diligently trying to contact him as last word was that he was setting a wedding date for this coming summer and we needed to know said date to plan for the trip.

 

This morning I mentioned my concern for DF to DS since we haven't heard from him in so long and she spilled this story. I called DF and left another message, just saying I need to get summer camp tuition in next week and need to know a date so please call. Tonight he calls in tears to say that he is being required by "the one" to break off all contact with us because any mention of us is too painful of a reminder for her of his prior relationship with my sister.

 

We tried to be as calm, rational and respectful as possible. In the end we asked him to promise to talk with a counselor or priest about his relationship before walking down the aisle, just to be sure the rest of their relationship is appropriate and solid. We also said that we would respect her wishes and stay away but assured him that our door and hearts are always open to him.

 

So here's the thing, upon further (admittedly emotional) reflection, we don't think we should respect her wishes because they are not his. He stated that he is only asking us this because she is threatening to leave him if he contacts us. We know that part of the problem is that he had a very unstable, much more than average dysfunctional family life growing up and not finding and having "the one" scares him. So we are thinking about sending a letter to him at his office with family updates from time to time. We will assure him that he is welcome to share this with his wife or not at his discretion. We will also state that we do not ever expect him to reply and break her rule, but that we are his family and we are not abandoning him. He deserves to see pictures of his niece and nephew as they grow. He deserves to have a window into the people they become. He deserves to know when and how we celebrate milestones and that we continue to love and cherish him. If he sees the return address and never opens the letters, so be it.

 

On the one hand we don't want to cause strife in his relationship and her to leave him, but on the other hand we think that if this is enough for her to do so then there are bigger and worse issues involved.

 

I really would appreciate opinions and suggestions but please be gentle, I am just heartsick over this.

[Rosie_0801]

What a horrible situation for you all. :(

 

Whatever you decide, it is the two of them causing problems in their relationship, not you.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Rosie

 

P.S I've never claimed to be the nicest person around, so I'd be relying on dh not to let me send the updates to her...

Edited April 1, 2011 by Rosie_0801

[ElaineJ]

:grouphug: Perhaps you could try communicating with the fiancee and sharing your heart? She might feel differently after actually hearing from you? That seems like a more upfront way to handle it. I know I wouldn't want to end up as a source of stress and conflict in my friend's marriage, even if I had nothing to really do with the problem. Anyway, I don't think trying to respectfully contact her could make it worse since you have already been denied contact.

 

Wishing you the best,

ElaineJ

[kolamum]

I have a brother who married a young lady who is very sweet and kind, but she cannot bear to think of him ever having loved anyone else. Thus, if there's ever mention of a former gf by someone in our family it will set her off. I don't know why, maybe she's afraid of losing him, but he's not going anywhere.

 

I don't really understand why said "the one" is being silly because what happened was before she came into your friend's life, right? If that's the case, then she's clearly the jealous type and it wouldn't matter who was formerly in his life she'd freak about it.

 

She might also be a "one person show". There are people in the world who can't tolerate attention not being on them. Having said that she might feel overshadowed by people who've known her 'love' for so much longer then she has.

 

I don't know that anything you do will help, but you could send her a card and state that you are very sorry for any hurt you've caused her unintentionally or something like that, but honestly if she sees a return address she's likely not to be bothered reading it.

[nono]

I don't really understand why said "the one" is being silly because what happened was before she came into your friend's life, right?

 

Oh, I do. It's because one doesn't go to a former lover asking for relationship advice on one's current relationship. A person should go to friends, not former lovers... HELLO! Conflict of interest! The man should not have done this. Now, what the current woman in question should have done is probably ended the relationship based upon his poor judgement, but she must see something worth building upon in the relationship.

 

Anyway, to the OP, personally, I'd let the relationship go dormant*. Who knows...Maybe if your focus was on something closer to your present world, a new stage of your life will open and reveal others to whom you will now become close.

 

 

*Wish him well, and leave it at no contact, save for change of address. By honoring his request now, you show respect for him and his choices. The relationship may bloom again out of dormancy in the future.

[Rhonda in TX]

I think you need to respect the wishes of him and his future wife. You should not come between the two of them. Contacting him at his office is encouraging secrecy. You say he would be free to share any communication with her, but really, he's not. She's already made her position clear.

 

Family comes second to the husband-wife relationship. You need to honor that.

[tntgoodwin]

I agree with the previous 2 posters. You don't want to be the cause of trust issues in this relationship.

[Carrie12345]

Leave it alone.

 

Personally, I hate new loves who make those sorts of demands and the people who give in to them. (Your sister is one thing. You and your dh are another.) But this is THEIR choice to make, not yours.

[arghmatey]

Captain Hindsight here.

 

I disagree with his decision to share so much information with you. I think he should have worded the entire cutoff using "we" terms rather than blameshifting to his fiancée (thereby throwing her under the bus). It is my belief there was a better way for him to deal with the situation; for example, "I will no longer communicate with you because of my past with your sister", using his own sensitive spin on the diction.

 

It is his decision. He could have chosen to leave her, but he didn't. He chose to respect her feelings and their relationship rather than continue his relationship with you.

 

Also, I think it would be disrespectful to both of them for you to take any steps to violate his decision other than a *single* response, something concise indicating you deeply regret HIS decision, but because you respect their relationship, you will reluctantly accept his decision. Also mention you hope one day you can share your life with them again (obviously do not exclude fiancée).

 

Suggesting counseling for them is condescending since he did not solicit your advice.

 

It seems you have positive intentions, and I think all your feelings are normal. I just think you have a better chance winning them back (or at least treating them like adults and making them feel respected) if you use a different approach.

 

Best of luck.

 

ETA: My emphasis on "HIM" and "his" regarding the decision was intended to point out he ultimately chose his actions, and not to exclude his fiancée from the decision-making process.

Edited April 1, 2011 by arghmatey

[Margo out of lurking]

I don't think I'd contact him at his office. It would cause many more problems for him if she ever found out about it.

 

The suggestion to contact her and share your heart is a good one to think about.

 

He'll need you down the road. She doesn't sound like "the one" no matter how hard he tries to make it so.

[snickelfritz]

I agree with the others. He is an adult. For WHATEVER reason, she doesn't want contact and he agreed and told you. He should have manned up and displayed a united front, but he didn't. Probably because it is a hard position to be in. For you to keep sending him letters, whether he ever responds or not, is disrespectful. And I would expect it to cause problems for him. Especially, if they are sent to his office and she realizes you were being secretive. You think he can throw them away and she'll never know, but wives go to offices all the time. I go to dh's office, sit at his desk to wait on him, etc.... I don't rifle through his mail, but I look around curiously. Poke through drawers to marvel at his neatness and then tease him unmercifully about it. My point being, you are talking about years of doing this. What would happen if she found out this was going on 10 years down the road?

 

You are expecting him to pick you and your wishes ( and what you think his wishes SHOULD be) over her. I think a one time letter to both is appropriate. I think the rest is not.

[Samiam]

I have to agree with most others are saying.

 

Do you really think he "has the right" to get pictures of your children etc? You are putting your wishes, your wants, in front of his. Your plans might make it better for you, since you know you are keeping in contact with him, but will only make things worse for him.

 

In the end, the decision was HIS, not his "spouse/GF". She made the request/demand, and he agreed. He told you of the decision.

 

What you are planning, sending him secret messages, etc IS exactly the sort of thing that would the woman is mistrustful of.

 

Once you have let him know that you are always there, leave it alone. If his relationship is an unhealthy as it sounds, it may not last. He will come back and probably apologize. If you never see him again, while that is hurtful and sad, that does happen in adult life sometimes.

[Journey]

I don't know, maybe I'm weird but I'm putting myself in the OP shoes. If my best friend all of a sudden said she couldn't see me anymore because her new BF had a problem that didn't concern me, I'd be really upset. I would do anything to try to save the relationship...well, not anything but I would certainly not let it go "dormant". This guy was their friend LONG before insecure "the one" came along. There are several things that I would think about doing here....first, I probably would call "the one" and talk to her as again, this didn't involve OP and her husband....I would also ask the friend if it would be okay to send letters to his office....if he was elected as guardian for her kids, then they are very important to this guy and I think he should be able to watch them grow up, just because he's a huge coward doesn't mean he should miss out on their lives, he loves them. I really don't believe this girl is going to stick around....either she's going to get tired of hanging around with a wimp or he's going to get tired of hanging around with a controler, even if he is a wimp. OP you do what you need to do but you need to be there for your friend because I really think he's going to need alot of support.

[IlluminatedAttic]

Thank you all for giving me some perspective, I truly appreciate it. We will work on writing a letter to them as a couple and leave it at that. Though I didn't get any sleep last night, I can see things at least a bit more rationally this morning. I don't think I can reach out to her alone right now, I would not trust myself to maintain civility.

 

Just FYI, the reason we suggested he find a counselor was because he spent most of the phone call sobbing, saying that he didn't know what to do and that he wished we were there to guide him. We said that our guidance is tainted by our own feelings and desires on the subject now, and that if there are other major factors in the relationship that concern him he needs to talk to a counselor, with her if possible, to address them before getting married.

 

Thank you all again for your wisdom.

[snickelfritz]

And I also wanted to give :grouphug:

 

I hope this isn't the end of your friendship and that you can resolve things. Friendships get even trickier as you add more and more people that need to all get along.

[lionfamily1999]

Be careful how you draw your lines. It could be that she would eventually calm down (don't we all?) and the lines of communication would open again, but if this becomes 'we're going to do what we're going to do regardless of your relationship' then that will never happen. From her pov, he had an affair with a 'married' woman, your sister. She wants to marry this guy and he's already shown a lack of regard for wedding vows. If I were her, I'd be a little worried too. If she needs this to know that he will respect their vows, and he's willing to give it to her, then I would not step between them.

 

:grouphug:

 

I would definitely not send things to his work place. This is a personal issue and you don't want it bleeding over into work. Not only will it add to her paranoia (what else are you doing while you're at work?!?), but it could effect his job.

[Hedgehog]

:grouphug: I'm sorry you have to deal with this. It's difficult, and hurtful.

 

Could I please encourage you to do one thing, above all else: respect your friend's relationship with his current lady (intended?). Encourage him to be emotionally focussed on her. She may feel happier in the future about him having friends she doesn't personally know, if she trusts him and feels confident in their relationship, iykwim?

[Rhonda in TX]

I hope this works out. It does sound like he needs to talk to a counselor, so I hope he does that.

 

:grouphug:

[ChiMomNP]

I don't know, maybe I'm weird but I'm putting myself in the OP shoes. If my best friend all of a sudden said she couldn't see me anymore because her new BF had a problem that didn't concern me, I'd be really upset. I would do anything to try to save the relationship...well, not anything but I would certainly not let it go "dormant". This guy was their friend LONG before insecure "the one" came along.

 

He had an affair with a married woman(HER sister), he has continued that contact and then he asks his former affair partner for relationship advice? (we call that bait) and the new fiancee knowing all about this is insecure?

 

She did the right thing although getting rid of him completely would of been the better bet. It sounds like there is still something going on there. Does her husband know they have continued contact? That would be my first and immediate phone call.

 

What a tangled web we weave...

[musicianmom]

Well, even if the fiancee came around and changed her mind about the relationship, I'd be changing the guardianship directions in my will asap. Your friend hasn't shown the maturity needed for raising someone else's children under difficult circumstances.

[lionfamily1999]

He had an affair with a married woman(HER sister), he has continued that contact and then he asks his former affair partner for relationship advice? (we call that bait) and the new fiancee knowing all about this is insecure?

 

She did the right thing although getting rid of him completely would of been the better bet. It sounds like there is still something going on there. Does her husband know they have continued contact? That would be my first and immediate phone call.

 

What a tangled web we weave...

I was starting to think I was the only one that saw it this way.

[pbt1294]

I think writing the one letter like you guys decided to do is fine, then let it go. Even though it is painful. You have already told him that you would be there for him. He will be able to get in touch with you when the time is right.

 

I would be a bit weirded out if my fiance was getting relationship advice from an x. But, I don't think that she should punish all of you guys for it. She is probably just super sensitive about it right now and will chill out later. If she is a rational person.

 

Blessings and Hugs,

 

Kyle

[Impish]

It sucks, but he's an adult. His future wife should be his priority. Continuing to contact him would be incredibly disrespectful, and if there's any hope in the future, you need to respect the situation now.

 

Finding out that my dh kept secrets would have me over the edge, let alone if someone encouraged him to deceive me. Heaven help them. I'd go scorched earth on the lot of them. Forgive my dh eventually, but never, ever someone that tried to encourage him to lie and hide things from me.

 

Heck, I just about lost my mind at one point b/c my MIL put me in the position of having to keep a secret from Wolf. I eventually told him, b/c I couldn't stand it, but he also knew before that there was something his mother had said that I felt I had to keep from him b/c it would likely hurt him. He finally just told me to tell him, b/c neither of us could handle this secret hanging in btwn us.

[Ellie]

:grouphug:

 

ITA with the others: let it go. I know it's hard, but let it go. And I also agree with whoever said to find a new guardian for your dc. What kind of grief would that cause his new wife if they had to take your dc?

[jujsky]

I would try contacting his fiancee and talking directly to her. I mean, "painful reminder?" Seriously? Of a relationship he had BEFORE he met her which has been over for years? She obviously has big-time security issues if she won't let him talk to your family because of your sister. Maybe you can get through to her and reason with her a bit. If not, I would send family updates addressed to BOTH of them. That way, psycho-girl sees that you are in no way trying to hide anything from her. I think encouraging him to talk to someone before he walks down the aisle was a wise thing to do, and I hope he takes that advice. He's in for a miserable, controlled life if he's with someone like that!

[DianeW88]

:grouphug:

 

ITA with the others: let it go. I know it's hard, but let it go. And I also agree with whoever said to find a new guardian for your dc. What kind of grief would that cause his new wife if they had to take your dc?

 

:iagree:Not only that, but I would suspect his wife would not want this and he might refuse to accept the guardianship. That would be a mess you seriously don't want for your dc.

Edited April 1, 2011 by DianeW88
To include A VERB in my sentence. Sheesh, it's too early for me to be typing. LOL

[Denisemomof4]

I think you need to respect the wishes of him and his future wife. You should not come between the two of them. Contacting him at his office is encouraging secrecy. You say he would be free to share any communication with her, but really, he's not. She's already made her position clear.

 

Family comes second to the husband-wife relationship. You need to honor that.

 

:iagree:

 

His relationship may not be healthy, but he's a grown man and is CHOOSING to go into this marriage, issues and all, with eyes wide open.

 

I'm sorry for your loss and your hurt.:grouphug:

[Impish]

I would try contacting his fiancee and talking directly to her. I mean, "painful reminder?" Seriously? Of a relationship he had BEFORE he met her which has been over for years? She obviously has big-time security issues if she won't let him talk to your family because of your sister. Maybe you can get through to her and reason with her a bit. If not, I would send family updates addressed to BOTH of them. That way, psycho-girl sees that you are in no way trying to hide anything from her. I think encouraging him to talk to someone before he walks down the aisle was a wise thing to do, and I hope he takes that advice. He's in for a miserable, controlled life if he's with someone like that!

Hmm. Then I guess I qualify as 'psycho-girl'. I really dislike hearing about Wolf's past loves.

 

He has one woman that he had kept in touch with. He was out of province on business, and planned to meet her for dinner. I was pg with Tazzie, and flipped. Completely.

 

Anyways, they met for dinner, and she asked him how I felt about it. He told her I wasn't happy. She ripped him up down and sideways for doing something that his pregnant wife wasn't ok with, and ordered him to call and beg for his life when he got back to the hotel, which he did.

 

Frankly, I'm relieved that the contact has fallen away. I just didn't like knowing that she was lurking around in the background somewhere.

[2cents]

Captain Hindsight here.

 

I disagree with his decision to share so much information with you. I think he should have worded the entire cutoff using "we" terms rather than blameshifting to his fiancée (thereby throwing her under the bus). It is my belief there was a better way for him to deal with the situation; for example, "I will no longer communicate with you because of my past with your sister", using his own sensitive spin on the diction.

 

It is his decision. He could have chosen to leave her, but he didn't. He chose to respect her feelings and their relationship rather than continue his relationship with you.

 

Also, I think it would be disrespectful to both of them for you to take any steps to violate his decision other than a *single* response, something concise indicating you deeply regret HIS decision, but because you respect their relationship, you will reluctantly accept his decision. Also mention you hope one day you can share your life with them again (obviously do not exclude fiancée).

 

Suggesting counseling for them is condescending since he did not solicit your advice.

 

It seems you have positive intentions, and I think all your feelings are normal. I just think you have a better chance winning them back (or at least treating them like adults and making them feel respected) if you use a different approach.

 

Best of luck.

 

ETA: My emphasis on "HIM" and "his" regarding the decision was intended to point out he ultimately chose his actions, and not to exclude his fiancée from the decision-making process.

 

:iagree: This!

And adding that I think it is a little 'cowardly' of him to have shifted the blame for HIS actions on the fiance and it was really shady for him to contact op's sis for relationship advice. Basically, his shady actions were to blame for the baby being thrown out with the bath water. There is something about his behavior in all of this that just doesn't sit right. My advice to op is to 1. change will 2. fully respect the no contact request. 3. be glad your sis is not in a relationship with him.

[pbt1294]

I was starting to think I was the only one that saw it this way.

 

Yeah, I forgot that your sis was married when they had a thing. I wonder what her dh would think about her giving advice like that????

[Joanne]

Just FYI, the reason we suggested he find a counselor was because he spent most of the phone call sobbing, saying that he didn't know what to do and that he wished we were there to guide him. We said that our guidance is tainted by our own feelings and desires on the subject now, and that if there are other major factors in the relationship that concern him he needs to talk to a counselor, with her if possible, to address them before getting married.

 

Thank you all again for your wisdom.

 

Your dear friend has boundary issues; they are unhealthy.

 

This:

 

DF sent a few emails to DS asking relationship advice.

 

Is the crux of the issue for his "one". I'm guessing that she has picked up on his boundary issues and is giving rigid boundaries in order to preserve the relationship as she sees necessary.

 

He never should have contacted your sister in this capacity; I don't blame "the one" a bit.

 

Your friend would benefit from counseling. He seems quite needy and confused.

 

So here's the thing, upon further (admittedly emotional) reflection, we don't think we should respect her wishes because they are not his. He stated that he is only asking us this because she is threatening to leave him if he contacts us. We know that part of the problem is that he had a very unstable, much more than average dysfunctional family life growing up and not finding and having "the one" scares him. So we are thinking about sending a letter to him at his office with family updates from time to time. We will assure him that he is welcome to share this with his wife or not at his discretion. We will also state that we do not ever expect him to reply and break her rule, but that we are his family and we are not abandoning him. He deserves to see pictures of his niece and nephew as they grow. He deserves to have a window into the people they become. He deserves to know when and how we celebrate milestones and that we continue to love and cherish him. If he sees the return address and never opens the letters, so be it.

 

On the one hand we don't want to cause strife in his relationship and her to leave him, but on the other hand we think that if this is enough for her to do so then there are bigger and worse issues involved.

 

He has given you a boundary. If he is communicating that to you, it is also HIS WISHES. Even if that wish is "only" to keep this relationship. Respect it. If you were to do what you are talking about in the letter, both "sides" of his life are deciding FOR HIM what HE NEEDS.

 

Your post talks about "he deserves", but I think it is your hurt speaking.

[IlluminatedAttic]

Believe me, we do not condone the affair and had we known about it at the time we would have had direct discussion about it with both of them. In DS defense, she was separated and they were talking divorce at the time, but no one is disputing that a line was crossed.

 

Although we were in the dark until yesterday, my brother-in-law has known about the entire relationship, including being aware of the advice emails when they were happening (which was at least two years later) and their marriage is solid. I completely understand that some people are very emotional about their significant others’ past relationships, but I do think it depends on the history and nature of the people and that relationship. My dh and I, as well as my sister and her husband, all have platonic friendships now that grew from dating relationships in the past. We are friends with their families, we get together as families/couples and exchange emails, holiday cards, pictures of our kids, chat on facebook, etc. So DS and DF coming to their senses after a few months and evolving the relationship into a platonic friendship, with brother-in-law’s full knowledge as they went through counseling to repair the things in their marriage that were leading to divorce, was not an issue. This is the context in which the advice emails were sent.

 

"Hey, I'm having trouble communicating XYZ, can you give me an idea of how to word things?" "Sure, why don't you think about talking about it this way." "Thanks, that worked, we had a great conversation about it."

 

Absolutely DF should have stated to his girlfriend that he had asked a friend for advice and that he was following that direction. Perhaps had the history of the friendship been asked and answered at that time then there would not have been an issue. He made a very poor choice out of ignorance or fear (knowing him I have a hard time believing it was out of blatant disrespect, but then again I'm upside down on the whole thing right now) which when compounded with the history of this particular relationship shows some strong lapses in what we have otherwise always noted as good judgement. We were not surprised to find out that “the one†had reacted strongly and required him to break contact with my DS, and understand her reaction given the way he handled things. We are very surprised to find out this happened over a year ago and that over time she has become more and more insistent that any contact with us is “too painful for herâ€.

 

So again, thank you all for your wisdom and advice! I have been lurking here for a few months but had just begun posting in the last few days and it was so helpful to be able to ask for advice in a place where I knew that thoughtful people would respond with positive intentions. We will work this weekend on crafting a letter to the couple and after that leave it to prayers. I am still very emotional about it but I’m striving to hold back tears as best as possible around the children.

 

Oh, and DH already downloaded a will amendment form to fill out this evening so that something is in place while we take the opportunity to review and rewrite the larger document since it has been a few years.

[jujsky]

Hmm. Then I guess I qualify as 'psycho-girl'. I really dislike hearing about Wolf's past loves.

 

 

What I said was not directed at you or your situation, Impish, so you're taking it entirely too personally.

 

Is it wrong to be upset if your fiancee contacts an ex-interest? I say "interest" here because they were never actually together -- it sounds like an unhealthy crush more than anything. Yes, it's wrong, or at the very least it's not the most intelligent thing to do -- especially if you're with someone with security/jealousy issues. That's not being psycho on her part. I can even see her telling him she'd prefer him to no longer contact this woman.

 

It is psycho to expect your fiancee to cut all ties with his best friend and God-children because he once had a crush on his best friend's SIL and made the mistake of asking her for relationship advice. It's controlling and cruel. There is no reason to cut off ties with this entire family. It's completely unreasonable.

[Joanne]

"Hey, I'm having trouble communicating XYZ, can you give me an idea of how to word things?" "Sure, why don't you think about talking about it this way." "Thanks, that worked, we had a great conversation about it."

 

Absolutely DF should have stated to his girlfriend that he had asked a friend for advice and that he was following that direction. Perhaps had the history of the friendship been asked and answered at that time then there would not have been an issue. He made a very poor choice out of ignorance or fear (knowing him I have a hard time believing it was out of blatant disrespect, but then again I'm upside down on the whole thing right now) which when compounded with the history of this particular relationship shows some strong lapses in what we have otherwise always noted as good judgement. We were not surprised to find out that “the one†had reacted strongly and required him to break contact with my DS, and understand her reaction given the way he handled things. We are very surprised to find out this happened over a year ago and that over time she has become more and more insistent that any contact with us is “too painful for herâ€.

 

.

 

Gently.........

 

Your dear friend contacting your sister after she reconciled was inappropriate and showed very poor boundaries. Your sister should not have engaged with him.

 

No, it is not appropriate in the overwhelming majority of circumstances, to contact (married) ex lovers over current relationship issues.

 

I'm not "upset" about the affair. I am posting in defense of the so-called pysho girlfriend.

[Impish]

What I said was not directed at you or your situation, Impish, so you're taking it entirely too personally.

 

Is it wrong to be upset if your fiancee contacts an ex-interest? I say "interest" here because they were never actually together -- it sounds like an unhealthy crush more than anything. Yes, it's wrong, or at the very least it's not the most intelligent thing to do -- especially if you're with someone with security/jealousy issues. That's not being psycho on her part. I can even see her telling him she'd prefer him to no longer contact this woman.

 

It is psycho to expect your fiancee to cut all ties with his best friend and God-children because he once had a crush on his best friend's SIL and made the mistake of asking her for relationship advice. It's controlling and cruel. There is no reason to cut off ties with this entire family. It's completely unreasonable.

No, I didn't think you were referring to me, I was just giving a different perspective on the situation.

 

I honestly wonder what else is happening behind the scenes on this one. And that he hid behind her, rather than standing on his own two feet doesn't impress me at all. I wonder how much of her trust has been shaken to the point where she suspects any contact is too much, kwim? Hearing one side of things, something just doesn't sit right...but ignoring the request and putting him in the position of either having to hide, lie, or cause more stress and strife isn't ok either.

 

Regardless of if she's being reasonable, she's his choice. If he's willing to cut off years of friendship for her, then that's his issue.

[Scuff]

I think this woman is over-reacting a bit. A little of that can be overlooked in a bride-to-be, but if I were him, I'd want to make sure she wasn't usually this crazy. If I were you, I'd send a nice, heartfelt letter to his office *now* explaining your concerns and redflags about this wonman, saying again that they should get some good premarital counceling. If he goes ahead with the marriage, she still wants him to cut you off, and he's going along with that, then you should respect that, leaving the door open in the future.

 

ETA- It;s a bit inappropriate for him to be asking married ex-girlfriends for relationship advice. She's right to feel wierd about that. And perhaps that what set her off wanting to cutoff contact with your sister. He needs to find some good guy friends to talk to about those things.

Edited April 1, 2011 by Scuff

[Jean in Newcastle]

It is psycho to expect your fiancee to cut all ties with his best friend and God-children because he once had a crush on his best friend's SIL and made the mistake of asking her for relationship advice. It's controlling and cruel. There is no reason to cut off ties with this entire family. It's completely unreasonable.

 

But the OP said that the contact between the man and her married sister was now "like inlaws with us in common". The OP didn't know about the inappropriate contact between the two of them (and whether the sister was separated or not is not germane, in my opinion, because she should have waited until she was truly free to look at other relationships) but still ended up being unwitting facilitators. This man's fiance wants a clean break from the past and based on the past history, that would include a break with the OP's family.

 

I do hope that the man and his fiance gets counseling. The fiance is being a bit controlling but I think she sees it a necessary balance because the man is so weak.

[Wendi]

I would try contacting his fiancee and talking directly to her. I mean, "painful reminder?" Seriously? Of a relationship he had BEFORE he met her which has been over for years? She obviously has big-time security issues if she won't let him talk to your family because of your sister. Maybe you can get through to her and reason with her a bit. If not, I would send family updates addressed to BOTH of them. That way, psycho-girl sees that you are in no way trying to hide anything from her. I think encouraging him to talk to someone before he walks down the aisle was a wise thing to do, and I hope he takes that advice. He's in for a miserable, controlled life if he's with someone like that!

 

Perhaps the new woman is controlling (cutting out the OP and her dh, when they didn't even know about the relationship at the time), or maybe she just overreacted when she found out, and she needs time to calm down and think more clearly, but we can't discount her valid concerns here. I don't think she's psycho. If the relationship was completely "over" in his mind, he would not go to her for relationship advice. He would go to the OP and her dh, or another current friend. If you wanted relationship advice when you were dating your dh, would you call up a boyfriend from several years before? Who does that?

 

Wendi

[Impish]

I think this woman is over-reacting a bit. A little of that can be overlooked in a bride-to-be, but if I were him, I'd want to make sure she wasn't usually this crazy. If I were you, I'd send a nice, heartfelt letter to his office *now* explaining your concerns and redflags about this wonman, saying again that they should get some good premarital counceling. If he goes ahead with the marriage, she still wants him to cut you off, and he's going along with that, then you should respect that, leaving the door open in the future.

I don't know if sending a letter like that is a good plan. I'm trying to imagine what it would be like if the wife found that letter at any point. I'm thinking that would be like setting off a nuclear warhead in a closet, and completely guarantee that there was never a future for the relationship.

 

Adults don't usually take kindly to someone questioning their choice in spouses.

[Susan in TN]

I think that, regardless of the "rightness" or "wrongness" of any party's actions or attitudes, a husband/wife bond trumps a friend bond. He needs to respect his wife's request, even if it is difficult or seems unfair. I realize that they are not yet married, but they are engaged and promises and committments have been made. (Until/unless he needs to back out and best to do so quickly.)

[*Inna*]

First of all, :grouphug:. It's a very difficult situation to be in. But...

 

He had an affair with a married woman(HER sister), he has continued that contact and then he asks his former affair partner for relationship advice? (we call that bait) and the new fiancee knowing all about this is insecure?

:iagree:

 

It doesn't seem like he completely let go of the former(?) relationship.

Also, are you sure you know ALL the details of the story?

[GraciebytheBay]

Putting myself in the finance's shoes, I wouldn't be very happy with this either. Scenario: I find out my fiance has had an affair in the past, which makes me feel uneasy. He goes to his old flame for advice - something weird there. Then he wants to keep in touch with friends (close enough to be guardians of their children, yet I have never met them??) who happen to be close relatives of Old Flame? Call me insecure or psycho (!), but I'm sure I would have put my foot down as well. I am surprised at how many would be fine with this!

[Tap]

I do not think your future plans for contact are appropriate. She did not ask you to stop contacting him, HE asked you to. He is the one cutting off contact, not her.

 

 

I had a boyfriend in highschool whom I dated for 3 1/2 years. For most of it, he lived in New Jersey and I was in Oregon. We talked a few times a week, for hours at a time, on the phone and were the best of friends as well as dating.

 

When we broke up, we stayed good friends for several years. Honest and true friends. We knew soooo much about eachother and didn't have to explain our reasons behind every action, because we had talked soooo much, that it was almost like we had lived each others lives.

 

He ended up dating and marrying a girl he knew during the time of our relationship. By that time, I had been with my dh 4-5 years, and had a 2yo. She was stil very insecure and jealous (her words) about my ex boyfriend's and my friendship. She gave him the ultimatum to stop contacting me. He chose her (rightly so) and we stopped contact.

 

I did contact him about 10 years later, just to see what had come of his life, family, children.... We only talked for a few minutes. They were still together so I haven't ever called back to respect her wishes.

 

I still think about him at least weekly, probably more often. He was a major part of my teen years, so it is hard to think back and for him to not be there. I really, really wish we could still talk, but I know we can't....so I just have to let go of that.

 

I think you probably just need to do the same. Remember the great times, and let go.

 

 

~~~That being said....dh and I were very good friends with a guy in our late teens/early 20s. He met a girl, had a whirl wind romance, married a few months after they met. She promptly kicked us out of his life. We were of the wrong social class. It was about 5 years and a divorce later that we ran into him and he has been back in our lives (almost daily) ever since.

 

So, while DH and I have both had experiences with a spouse kicking us out a relationship...we have both had different outcomes. But, in both circumstances, we did honor the spouses wishes during the time they were together.

[Joanne]

Putting myself in the finance's shoes, I wouldn't be very happy with this either. Scenario: I find out my fiance has had an affair in the past, which makes me feel uneasy. He goes to his old flame for advice - something weird there. Then he wants to keep in touch with friends (close enough to be guardians of their children, yet I have never met them??) who happen to be close relatives of Old Flame? Call me insecure or psycho (!), but I'm sure I would have put my foot down as well. I am surprised at how many would be fine with this!

 

The OP stated they met (and liked) the One. Now, granted, the One probably doesn't know the OP and her children enough to accept responsibility of the children if something happens.

[blakereese]

Regardless of if she's being reasonable, she's his choice. If he's willing to cut off years of friendship for her, then that's his issue.

 

This.

 

You really need to let it go for now. I wouldn't contact him for awhile. In a few months, maybe a quick email, see how things are going, and go from there. If he really wants to speak with you, he will find a way.

 

I understand how you are feeling, I really do, but relationships change. You may never have a close relationship with this person again, as sad as that may be, and you have to start thinking about that now. He is a grown man and can decide who he wants to marry, and what he wants to put up with. I'm so sorry that you are in the middle of this whole mess. :(

[Joanne]

This.

 

You really need to let it go for now. I wouldn't contact him for awhile. In a few months, maybe a quick email, see how things are going, and go from there. If he really wants to speak with you, he will find a way.

 

I understand how you are feeling, I really do, but relationships change. You may never have a close relationship with this person again, as sad as that may be, and you have to start thinking about that now. He is a grown man and can decide who he wants to marry, and what he wants to put up with. I'm so sorry that you are in the middle of this whole mess. :(

 

Please don't do this. It's a clear violation of the man's stated boundary. He is building a marriage. It does not matter if "we" or the OP thinks the fiance is whacked (though I don't happen to think she is. I think he has issues and she's reacting to his boundarylessness).

[Mary in VA]

I think you need to respect the wishes of him and his future wife. You should not come between the two of them. Contacting him at his office is encouraging secrecy. You say he would be free to share any communication with her, but really, he's not. She's already made her position clear.

 

Family comes second to the husband-wife relationship. You need to honor that.

 

:iagree:If you ever hope to have a future relationship with them, it needs to come from them. If she ever found out you were secretly communicating she would never trust you.

 

Mary

[OrganicAnn]

I would not contact him/them. I would respect their wishes. I would be hoping/praying that things would change, but the change would have to initiated by them.

 

I agree with the previous posted who said you may not know the whole story.

[kalanamak]

Bide your time. Something tells me they might not be together forever.

[Brilliant]

nm

Edited April 2, 2011 by OC Mom