jld Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I'm not. I pretty much say whatever I feel, however I feel like saying it. He's yelled at me a few times about it, but generally seems to put up with it. One thing he's said is that at least he always knows where he stands with me. :D My brother was telling me once that I should not speak so "disrespectfully" to my dh, and while I thought it was not his place at all to be getting after me, I did tell dh what db had said, and asked him what he thought. Dh paused a second, and said, "jld (okay, not really that!:D), I hear your words, but I know your heart." How about you? Are you careful or careless with how you talk to your dh? Does it matter to him? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tntgoodwin Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 As a husband, it does matter to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aggie Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Dh and I both are very careful to speak respectfully to each other. There are times we've failed, of course, but as a rule we talk to each other the way we expect our dc to talk to us. We don't yell, and we talk through disagreements. I have to be very careful NOT to talk when I'm fuming mad. I dismiss myself and we talk when I've calmed down. My sister and her dh bicker, yell, berate, etc. It bothers me to be there when they do, and hear about it when she calls me. I think she could accomplish much more if she spoke with kindness. And, yes, it does matter to dh. He's a strong rugged man's man, but his heart is tender.:001_smile: He would be devastated if I yelled at him. When we were first married and would argue, he never heard what I said, he just heard my tone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Yes, I'm careful how I talk to him. I'm careful because I do respect him and it comes out in my speech most of the time. He's respectful of me too most of the time. That doesn't mean that I never disagree with him but our disagreements will only tend to go into an actual fight if someone has been disrespectful. I should say too that our first couple of years were a bit rocky until we learned how to laugh and not take ourselves seriously. Now many of our disagreements are actually expressed as part of banter which is lighthearted but serious at the same time. This banter is not sarcastic or demeaning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eternalknot Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I speak to my husband the same I do anybody else. I'm not always tactful, but I'm honest and my intentions are good. I'm a work in progress that people who love me tolerate because they know my heart is good. I don't intend to be disrespectful, and am genuinely apologetic if it comes out as such. I'm not a yeller in general, though. Just tactless, and often speaking before thinking. I don't always think how my words will be perceived before I utter them. I'm the one you go to for an honest answer to, "Does this make my butt look big?" -- and you get an honest answer regardless of who you are, and how much I love you. Still working on the tact part, though ... I've made strides, but slow and steady has been the course! I grew up in a large, noisy family and blurting things out are second-nature to me because otherwise you were never heard. Well, actually I'm the only one of my siblings like this but - that's my story and I'm sticking to it LOL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Hubby and I both came from failed marriages where everyone were ladies and gentlemen. (With my ex, I said one thing, once, that was meant to hurt his feelings (he laughed), and I laughed at him once.) I told current hubby that since that "didn't work", I was not going to pull any punches. Luckily, we are both tough, both love a laugh, and are old enough to know a dust-up is not the end of the world. The other day my son told me to go in and chew Papa out about something. Go on, he said, go on. I asked him why he would want me to do that, and he threw his head back and howled. Choking out the words between cackles, he said "well, he'll shout, and you'll shout, and you'll sound SO FUNNY." :001_huh: He had to put his fork down and get control of himself to finish eating, the idea was so funny. :glare: I think we sound a little like Ren and Stimpy when we fight. I've even been known to call his an EEEEEEEEE-dee-ut. :D (I am dead serious about him learning to pick up after himself, yes-sir-re-bob. I am NOT spending my retirement picking up after him no way, Jose.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I do my best. I don't think it is a very good best, but I don't suppose anyone's is the fourteenth time they have had to "politely request." Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 I do my best. I don't think it is a very good best, but I don't suppose anyone's is the fourteenth time they have had to "politely request." Rosie Isn't that the truth, Rosie? How about doing things right away to avoid harsh words? Not that I'm defensive or anything.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Once Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I speak to my husband the same I do anybody else. I'm not always tactful, but I'm honest and my intentions are good. I'm a work in progress that people who love me tolerate because they know my heart is good. I don't intend to be disrespectful, and am genuinely apologetic if it comes out as such. I'm not a yeller in general, though. Just tactless, and often speaking before thinking. I don't always think how my words will be perceived before I utter them. This is me too.....I find when I edit myself it gets me in more trouble (with a few exceptions). I have a very honest personality but I do not always understand that others may see things from a different perspective. When that perspective is clearly stated, I usually realize that what I thought was fact is really my opinion. With my husband I am just out there with my thoughts and feelings. He and I, fortunately do not fight even when we disagree. But he is the one that listens to me when I am agitated about something. I am not as a rule disrepectful to him just oblivious sometimes. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 It really depends on what the issue is. We can laugh about some things but know that other areas have to be treated carefully because it's a sore spot for one of us. After almost 26 years, we know each other pretty well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Isn't that the truth, Rosie? How about doing things right away to avoid harsh words? Not that I'm defensive or anything.:D You don't think I have politely suggested that? :D At the moment I'm wondering whether this seven year itch is going to last the rest of our lives. We are coming up to nine years... I try to edit my language forms, but not really the content. Dh says I'm like a terrier with a rat when it comes to dealing with problems. :001_huh: He seems to think it is a good thing. Not a comfortable thing, but for the best. It's not the most elegant compliment he's ever paid me, fortunately :lol: Rosie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StaceyinLA Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 And I'm not careful about how I talk to my kids either, now that they are adults or close to it. I just call it how I see it, and I expect them to do the same. We love one another, and it works for us. We do not curse one another or anything, but I do tend to raise my voice and/or be snappy when irritated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snipsnsnailsx5 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I think that talking respectfully to eachother is very important - for both ends. I try very hard to speak respectfully to him and I expect him to do the same. Just as with any other person, its not nice to hurt people's feelings and be rude. Now getting angry with eachother, of course it happens. I get cranky all the time, as does my DH. However, I try very hard to never say something that I don't really mean or doesn't really need to be said at that moment. Nothing ever good comes from saying something in the heat of the moment. I've found its best to cool down before saying something that could have the potential to be hurtful. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laura Corin Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I try to be loving and respectful to him, as he does to me. I do fail sometimes. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 We're in the middle of retiring, transitioning to a new job, finding a new home in a foreign country, and moving ourselves (no companies were available). No one is being nice to one another. Including the cat. :ack2: a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam Wilhelm Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 We are very kind to one another........for coming up on 22 years. I can't imagine being anything but loving in our dealings with each other. Even when we have disagreed we are respectful. He's my soul-mate....and I am his....I can't imagine being anything but kind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Negin Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 We are very kind to one another. ... I can't imagine being anything but loving in our dealings with each other. Even when we have disagreed we are respectful. I can't imagine being anything but kind. Pretty much the same here. We laugh a lot and are each other's best friends. For us, it's almost 15 years. We feel so blessed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Yes and no. We are blunt- always have been. But we have also learned to be kinder and more sensitive to each other as time as gone on, too. The love has grown, for sure. I think I read something about how the first 10 or 20 years of a marriage usually involves a lot of power struggle. I can relate to that. But as time goes on, things sort themselves out and there is more generosity and giving grace, and more sensitivity in expression. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nd293 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 We don't "watch" how we speak to each other, as such. I am probably less polite to him than he is to me - see the "fourteenth time" comment Rosie mentioned! No swearing at each other. Ever. And we don't argue in front of other people - I've known couples who do that, and it's very unpleasant to watch - I feel the same about parents disciplining their children in public (apart from what is necessary to stop behaviour on the spot, of course). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
creekland Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 We're completely open and honest with each other and I wouldn't have it any other way. When fights come it sometimes gets rougher, but it's still better than pretending to be something we're not IMO. The bigger more common problem would be monthly hormones, but hubby knows to overlook certain things said at certain times of the month. We laugh about it at other times of the month. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pretty in Pink Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I certainly wouldn't use the word careful to describe how I communicae with my dh. It's not something that I am consciously aware of, but I don't feel that I am careless in my treatment of him. I am a blunt person, to be sure, but I don't yell or curse at him or anything. OTOH, my dh grew up in a family where women are more to be seen and not heard, so I guess to them I do seem fairly careless. Ha ha. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.... Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 No, they're not that fragile. Sheesh. We'd be divorced by now if we weren't completely honest to each other. In 13 years together, we've been through cancer, losing a baby, moving across country - twice, 2 job losses, deaths of relatives, unemployment, 8 months of separation for his job and a biracial relationship (with all of its baggage). There's no way we would've lasted this long if we walked on eggshells around each other. Now that I'm thinking about it...this Dude's bad luck! :tongue_smilie: Just kidding. Maybe I'm bad luck. :lol: He would've laughed at that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sweetpeach Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Uber-careful about a few slices of our life. Moderately careful about most things. Catch more flies with honey. Let it all hang out when screwdrivers are left on the kitchen counter, looners left in the bathroom or cans thrown in the garbage and not recycled. Hell hath no fury when the Mr doesn't recycle. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mysticamethyst Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 No, he is the one person I don't have to watch what I say or how I say it. He knows when I am not meaning what I say because I am super upset about something, not that I go around screaming and ranting that life is miserable. This happen this morning actually "Hey remember that junebug I asked you to get out of the sink yesterday, well its still there,GET IT OUT NOW!!!" This bug was in the deep drain part--no way I'm getting that. :glare: Then on his way to work stopped at Starbucks and brought it back for me with a I'm sorry I'm a dork for the name. Mosty hubbys are good at heart sometimes they just get sidetracked. I can't imagine having to watch what I say to him or him to me, but that is 20yrs together. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I tend to follow Ann Landers advice in my life - No one can use you as a doormat unless you let them. I do my best to speak respectfully to everyone but sometimes you just have to plop it out there to get your point across. I am an imperfect being. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalicoKat Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 My dh filters everything anyone says through the "Benefit of the Doubt" so much so that if I don't really say what's on my heart he doesn't get it, respectfully said but still with passion. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
angela in ohio Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I talk to him the way I would want him to talk to me. That's how I try to treat everyone, so he at least gets that. Beyond that, yes, I am careful what I say to him. You can't ever take words back. He gives me the same care. We have built a very happy marriage by not just yelling everything we feel. I also don't get hung up on many of the things I could probably use angry words over. What's a pair of shoes left out when I consider how he works so much to provide for us and takes such great care of me? I just pick up the shoes, but not angrily. It's not so much hiding or burying things, as it was just getting over it instead. We do discuss major issues, but not in disrespectful tones or in the heat of the moment. Most of it came about when I learned to also talk more calmly and considerately to my dc, after spending the first few years as a yeller and wanting to end that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jennifer3141 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 My DH is one of a very few people in the world I do NOT have to be careful communicating with. We made a pact while dating 15 years ago that we'd be honest with each other. This annoys me when I've spent hours cooking something that tastes like crap, however, I've LOVED it when I needed to communicate something back to him. And have I! We blow up. I get over things faster than he, but at the bottom of it we both know that no one else would take this marriage like we do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
asta Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I think there is a difference between being open and honest and loving with one another and "watching what you say". a Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I suppose it depends on what your idea of respectful is. No, I don't cuss him out when he walks in the door because he didn't take the trash out. Nor do I live in fear of asking him to take the trash out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mejane Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 No. I say (or scream, as the case may be) whatever's on my mind. Sometimes I wish I were softer but I'm not. We've been together for 25 years, so it's obviously not a deal-breaker for him. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) He's yelled at me a few times about it Okay, I feel like I better explain this. When I say yell, I mean he has told me in a raised voice, "Calm down! Watch your language! Change your tone of voice!" He doesn't say anything unkind. I think he's just trying to help me get control of myself. When I do calm down, I always apologize. That's not as good as not getting angry and yelling in the first place, but it's what I can do, I guess. Edited March 28, 2011 by jld Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 No. I say (or scream, as the case may be) whatever's on my mind. Sometimes I wish I were softer but I'm not. We've been together for 25 years, so it's obviously not a deal-breaker for him. ;) I hear you.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I don't know what post you are referring to, so I'm not sure what you mean by 'careful.' I try to be careful in how I speak to everyone - dh, kids, the grocery checkout lady ;). I'm not any MORE careful in how I speak to dh than anyone else, and I'm not any LESS careful in how I speak to children, if that's the idea. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3lilreds in NC Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Hmmmm. I am usually considerate when I talk to dh, I think. When we were first married, I was not. I come from a family who pretty much lets it all hang out. He did not react kindly to that. I learned to be softer with my words if I wanted him to listen to me. Now, I think we are in a better place. I still try to be careful, but I do suffer from "foot-in-mouth" disease. I've had to really try, and still do, to be respectful all the time to my children. I have one who is very sensitive and it drives me crazy quite often. Dh is much better at hearing my heart, knowing that my harsh words are not usually about him, and giving me a hug when I'm upset rather than being offended and stalking off. In general I try to be careful with my words. I know not everyone can handle me full-on, lol. I am sarcastic. I love to laugh. I am fun, I think, when you know me, but I'm not for the overly sensitive. I am VERY grateful that dh learned not to be one of the overly sensitive. :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 (edited) Hubby and I both came from failed marriages where everyone were ladies and gentlemen. (With my ex, I said one thing, once, that was meant to hurt his feelings (he laughed), and I laughed at him once.) I told current hubby that since that "didn't work", I was not going to pull any punches. Luckily, we are both tough, both love a laugh, and are old enough to know a dust-up is not the end of the world. The other day my son told me to go in and chew Papa out about something. Go on, he said, go on. I asked him why he would want me to do that, and he threw his head back and howled. Choking out the words between cackles, he said "well, he'll shout, and you'll shout, and you'll sound SO FUNNY." :001_huh: He had to put his fork down and get control of himself to finish eating, the idea was so funny. :glare: I think we sound a little like Ren and Stimpy when we fight. I've even been known to call his an EEEEEEEEE-dee-ut. :D (I am dead serious about him learning to pick up after himself, yes-sir-re-bob. I am NOT spending my retirement picking up after him no way, Jose.) this is so eerily familiar .... respectful all the time and careful of one another's feelings all the time is a lid on a ticking time bomb in me. And, I watched it growing up and let's just say I don't think it's healthy in the least. For the most part, yes, I'm always respectful. And he is too. But when I'm mad, and I think it's justifiable (not just pissy moody) both barrels are coming at him. And I swear. (I am Brazilian and Irish and that's when it really comes out). But when we were first married, I was *terrified* to fight or to voice any sort of contradictory opinion (My mother's MO was cut and run, and she does *not* do confrontation). Thankfully, I married a man who is the Great Wall of China. :D And, who is also Italian and knows that a good, rousing dust up is not the end of the world. Matter of fact, he was the one that slowly taught me that, and if we have a healthy relationship, it's because of him teaching me that. I have a strong personality. His is quiet and stronger. ;) So yes, how I feel about anything is not hidden from him. Edited March 28, 2011 by justamouse Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 Dh is much better at hearing my heart, knowing that my harsh words are not usually about him, and giving me a hug when I'm upset rather than being offended and stalking off. This is my dh, too. I don't think he's ever left me when I was mad, even if I screamed at him to leave, lol. It seems like he's very careful never to give me the feeling I'm being abandoned. This is starting to sound like a temper tantrum thread, giggle, giggle.:D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 We are very respectful, yet bluntly honest with each other. It is possible to do both. After 20 years of practice. I don't yell at him much. If he is being particuliarly ... Difficult... I will say rather .. Um... Stridently..."You seem to have a pickle up your arse and my right Rebok is about to join it." He has some rather colorful phrases for me too. He announced the other day that obviously the beast within was cranky and everyone needed to just give it some space. And for goodness sake, don't anger it! We tend to discuss everything and anything. Neither of us are particularly worried about making the other mad or hurting feelings. We don't WANT or like to do that, but we know we can get over it together and work through it. That said, neither of us would ever speak like that to the other in public. Any issues we have are private. I can count on exactly two fingers how often either of us has ever said something negative about the other to anyone. And we have a very low tolerance for anyone speaking bad about the other, even other family members. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LidiyaDawn Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Yes - I try to be respectful and all that, as I do with anyone. Also, I married a guy with a sharp tongue who can sometimes react before he really thinks, so there are certain topics/etc that I'm cautious with as to timing, presentation, etc. ;) (We all have our faults and I love him with ever bit of my heart) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sahamamama Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I read somewhere -- was it in the Bible? ;) -- that a husband is to love his wife, while a wife is to respect her husband. But I didn't grow up with brothers, and my father usually exasperated me, so the admonition to respect a husband used to come across as so... unfair? It never made sense to me until I was married, and discovered that my husband really does have a deep need to know that I respect him. There was this moment when I said, "I love you," and he was happy about that, but then I said, "I respect you," and it was like rocket ships were taking off. We do have our disagreements, but I speak respectfully to him, because speaking disrespectfully would do his inner man some damage. IOW, that's where he would "feel it." But I value him, so I don't want to tear him down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newday Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I would hope that I am respectful in the way I speak to my dh, and that he is respectful to me. Truth is, though, since we are both imperfect, we both have had occasion to stop a conversation or walk away from the other person because of the disrespectful way we are being addressed. One thing that is tricky is knowing where someone is particularly sensitive and where feelings are apt to get hurt - a situation can "feel" disrespectful, and that doesn't always mean that is the case. I respect every one as God's creation. That means I speak as honestly and humbly as possible. I try to relay the love of Christ at every turn. It doesn't mean I am good at it all the time :no :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newday Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I read somewhere -- was it in the Bible? ;) -- that a husband is to love his wife, while a wife is to respect her husband. But I didn't grow up with brothers, and my father usually exasperated me, so the admonition to respect a husband used to come across as so... unfair? It never made sense to me until I was married, and discovered that my husband really does have a deep need to know that I respect him. There was this moment when I said, "I love you," and he was happy about that, but then I said, "I respect you," and it was like rocket ships were taking off. We do have our disagreements, but I speak respectfully to him, because speaking disrespectfully would do his inner man some damage. IOW, that's where he would "feel it." But I value him, so I don't want to tear him down. In my experience, women need to be respected and loved. Men need to be respected and loved. I don't think the Ephesians 5 scripture you referenced is understood very well until it is put into the context of who it was written to and for what purpose. :) The history is interesting and so elucidating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kwickimom Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 NOT AT ALL. We dont hold anything back at all. He knows exactly whats up and vice versa. Not "careful" at all. We tell each other everything and anything and have dead honesty here. If I am acting like a jerk..he says so. If hes acting like a selfish brat I say so. period. This man has seen me at my worst - he has watched me push out 3 babies no drugs while as big as a house :001_smile: I cant imagine it any other way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kchara Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 In my experience, women need to be respected and loved. Men need to be respected and loved. I don't think the Ephesians 5 scripture you referenced is understood very well until it is put into the context of who it was written to and for what purpose. :) The history is interesting and so elucidating. Actually, after talking to my husband and many other men about it, I think Ephesians 5 is dead on. Men and women aren't the same. Our needs are different, it's not a surprise that we need different things from each other. Neither is better or worse (in fact, considering he's supposed to love me as Christ loves the church, I think he's got the harder deal), but they are different, as men and women are different. I'm respectful to my husband. At least, I try to be. ;) I make an effort. I have noticed that when we're around certain people, we take on characteristics we don't like, teasing and bickering, in particular. We're working on breaking out of those habits again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 yes, I am careful, and I expect him to be careful talking to me too. We both try not to be rude, to be kind, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nestof3 Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 I am not careful how I talk to him though I have refrained from using certain words even though they still pop in my head. For me, if I am not allowed to express how I feel without being told, "I don't want to talk about that" or without having the other person try to twist everything around, it ends up bottled up. This is how my parents operated. I was never allowed to express any frustrations so they all ended up bottled up. Lately, I've been told I wasn't allowed to talk about how I feel about our eldest and his relationship with this woman. I've been told I am not allowed to talk about putting our cat to sleep. I'm not allowed to have an opinion on the way women have been treated throughout history because then I am just a man-hater. For example, I watched The Other Boleyn Girl, and I was again reminded of the limited rights women had. I was also reminded about the limited rights the poor had. Things like that bother me. It bothers me that there are lots of jokes about women -- blonde in particular -- but few about men. It bothers me that people commonly refer to grown women as girls but not grown men as boys. I am a deeply thinking person who analyzes things all the time. I think about how much time women in general spend on beautifying themselves while men do very little. So, the other night, my dh mentioned a movie where the main character was a ditzy beauty. She reminded me of those women from Hee Haw. Anyway, it reminded me once again how women have been portrayed through the ages. I just said, "Yes, that's another one of those movies that show a man only wants a woman for her looks and refuses to show a woman of means and intelligence." I was again labeled a man-hater. I cannot stand conversation like that. There's rarely any intelligent dialogue, just defensiveness and character attacks. ugh Things end up bothering me over time, but attempts at discussing them blow up. For example, my shock at the comment, "It's a woman's job to make the bed" was met with "whose job is it to change the oil?" I'm not good at thinking through the ramifications before I speak. For example, yesterday, Ben was playing with dh's old Hot Wheel track. He was trying to take apart two pieces. He was apparently not being as gentle as he should have. Instead of instructing him (he was sitting there watching Ben, but he was playing the guitar), he blurted out when the track snapped, "I knew that would happen. I was sitting here waiting for you to break it." I said, "Well, why didn't you instruct him to be more careful?" I can see I should have saved that comment for a private conversation, but I still believe it nonetheless. Dh's a very hands-off parent -- more into the ramification side than the guiding side. Now, I'm the bad guy for speaking my opinion. So, clearly, I am not good at this communication thing, but I feel like there's no freedom to communicate properly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jld Posted March 28, 2011 Author Share Posted March 28, 2011 I'm sorry you're going through this, nestof3. You're a pretty strong woman to keep believing in yourself. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barry Goldwater Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 Actually, after talking to my husband and many other men about it, I think Ephesians 5 is dead on. Men and women aren't the same. Our needs are different, it's not a surprise that we need different things from each other. Neither is better or worse (in fact, considering he's supposed to love me as Christ loves the church, I think he's got the harder deal), but they are different, as men and women are different. I'm respectful to my husband. At least, I try to be. ;) I make an effort. I have noticed that when we're around certain people, we take on characteristics we don't like, teasing and bickering, in particular. We're working on breaking out of those habits again. :iagree: I believe that portion of scripture is written that way, because women are more naturally inclined to offer unconditional love to their husband, and to expect unconditional love in return from their husband...men tend to naturally offer unconditional respect to their wives, but enduring uncondional love might require effort for a man. As an example, if a man 'clams up' during an argument, it's often out of respect. He thinks, "I'll stop fighting to show respect for her perspective."...unfortunately often the wife interprets this as 'withheld love.' (He doesn't care enough about me to keep arguing with me! :sad:) See how this can cause conflict? So as a man, I have to fight my natural inclination to clam up, and continue to verbalize the argument to show that I care. In addition, this can become an issue when women don't fully understand that we men need the respect of our wives, EVEN WHEN WE DON'T DESERVE IT, or HAVEN'T EARNED IT. It's a basic need, like unconditional love is for a woman. I seek to love my wife, even when she's 'acting' unlovable. She seeks to respect me, even if my behavior isn't so...respectable... In our modern culture, many only want to give respect after it's earned, while expecting unconditional love regardless of whether it's been earned. Virtually all honorable men would rather die, literally, than lose the respect of their wife. Virtually all honorable women can love their husbands no matter how hideous they might become. But I agree, they are not the same thing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
*Lulu* Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 If by careful you mean censoring my thoughts and feelings so he doesn't get upset, then no. If by careful you mean being considerate of his feelings and his importance to me when I choose the tone and timing of my words, then yes. We've been married almost 11 years and I can count on one hand the number of times I have let him have it both barrels. (This does not include the hormone-driven rantings of a pregnant woman; those should not be counted against anyone.) I probably get irritated him once every day or so, but he thinks that it is hilarious to wind me up and let me go. Only when I seriously hit the roof does it upset him. (BTW, my mom is German/Italian with a personal philosophy of "get mad, throw tupperware, move on.") Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alpidarkomama Posted March 28, 2011 Share Posted March 28, 2011 In Judaism, there are many, many laws regarding speech and guarding your tongue. So, yes, I speak respectfully to my husband. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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