Which was the greatest/most stressful life change...

[LarlaB]

for you? Generally speaking- I know that every situation has specific stressers etc, but just curious what the general married w/ kids population thinks?

 

:)

 

ETA: There are many great life events that create a lot more stress than marriage or children. For example, death, divorce, loss of job or illness can be devastatingly stressful. And furthermore, everyone reacts/responds to life events in a different way. :) But for the sake of this flawed poll, I'm simply curious- which event in YOUR life was more stressful/greatest change. K?

Edited January 10, 2011 by LarlaB
Clarification & Validation

[Michelle in AL]

Neither...mine was dh's mid life crisis. OUCH!

[ocelotmom]

We eloped after we'd been living together for years. No stress or fuss there whatsoever. Sometimes when I go to a beautiful wedding I wish I'd had a "real wedding" but I am soooo not the type who enjoys planning big events and spending lots of money and being the center of attention and so on, and I suspect it would have been way more stress than it was worth.

[justamouse]

neither. Buying houses trumped getting married and having kids. Most stressful time EVER. All three times.

[regentrude]

I put kids.

Why would getting married being stressful? We lived together for several years before eloping.

 

But by far the most stressful event was emigrating to another country with just husband and kids, leaving extended family and friends behind.

[melissel]

Definitely having kids. I'm an uber-independent introvert, so having people depending on me and needing me and needing things from me was a very difficult transition.

[Night Elf]

I chose getting married. My first marriage wasn't exactly what I wanted but we didn't have money so we had to make due. Because of money, I chose an inexpensive dress, a holiday cake instead of a more expensive wedding cake, and etc. On my wedding day, I was surprised by mom having spent money on things we didn't plan. She decided at the last minute that it wasn't proper to not have things like rented tables and chairs, rented champagne glasses, platters of food, and a wedding cake topper of a bride and groom that she mashed down on top of my beautiful cake with poinsettias in icing (I got married at Christmas). My wedding was a very small affair in my sister's house with about 10 people. It was a total waste of money and I was so mad! A few other things happened that just don't make for good memories. Add a disastrous honeymoon to that and I should have read the signs that it wouldn't be a great marriage.

 

When I married the second time, we went to the justice of the peace on a day that no one knew about. Bleh.

 

I learned that when my children get married, they will make their own decisions.

 

Editing to add: I know you meant the marriage and not the wedding, but I wanted to do the poll! Having children has not been stressful, it's been a dream come true. My first marriage was stressful but that's why it ended in divorce. My second marriage is mostly great. We have issues, but I think anyone who lives with someone else is going to have some kind of issues at some point!

Edited January 9, 2011 by Night Elf

[MissKNG]

I voted having kids.

 

Stressful because two lives completely rely on dh and I. :ohmy:

Greatest because they are the most amazing/cutest/best little girls ever!!:001_wub:

[Garga]

For me, getting married was a snap. It was an adventure. Yes, there were adjustments and disappointments, etc, but I was still my own person and could do what I wanted to do for the most part.

 

Having a baby was a major upheaval.

 

For example, on the bad side: I didn't even own my own body anymore (don't sleep on your left side, don't eat that, you have to eat this, don't take medicine, deny yourself sleep, produce milk for someone else to drink.) I couldn't go places I wanted to anymore (without finding someone to watch the kids--IF I had the money to do so). I couldn't spend time with adults without being interrupted so often that it wasn't worth trying to be friends with adults. My close cherished friendships withered.

 

But on the good side, I changed. I mean Changed with a capital C. I became stronger, more independent, more forgiving, more loving, and lots of other things that I don't time to think about right now (it's dinner time and everyone is waiting for me to figure out what to feed them all....:D)

 

As an aside, this sort of reminded me of a book called, "After the Baby" detailing how more marriages end in divorce *after* children are born than in childless marriages. The book talks about why having a baby is so tough and how to counteract the stress a baby puts on a marriage.

[LarlaB]

I put kids.

Why would getting married being stressful? We lived together for several years before eloping.

 

 

 

For various reasons...Some people have a really difficult time being certain of their decision, others are very independent and are challenged by learning to blend life/ideas with someone else, and then there is the big.american.wedding to plan.

 

 

I'll fess up- my SIL is on the cusp of getting engaged hence this poll. I'm curiously frustrated that she is acting like this decision & process is the most difficult thing ever and moreso that IL's are indulging this negative mindset.

 

I know that everyone reacts differently to life events, but given all that I've experience in my adult life (graduate degrees, major issues w/ IL's, small business open & closing, miscarriages, birth of children, career change, moving away from friends/family, death of friends, buying/selling homes, daily motherhood...all of those things) its difficult for me to jump on the "oh poor SIL" bandwagon. I don't get it.

[DawnM]

Kids for sure. I was a career woman who devoted time to not only working full time, but volunteering after work......that came to a screeching halt when I had kids.

 

Dawn

[kewb]

Dh's battle with depression the first year of our dd's life. Still have lingering issues over this one.

[happyWImom]

Mine was getting married, because dh already had kids and a crazy ex-wife.:eek: She became even more so after we got married, and we had huge problems with his kids because of it. Very stressful-I was getting at least one migraine a week.

 

By the time we had kids, his were older, ex was re-married, and we had moved away. Much less stress.

[Melinda in VT]

Of the two, I'd say getting married. DH and I had known each other for only (almost) 6 months when we got married. I had been living with the same roommates for 4 years, and I stupidly expected DH to understand me the way my roomies did.

 

Also, DH was the primary caretaker for his elderly grandparents, so they lived with us as well and we had ILs over frequently and without notice.

 

Now, I would say having our twins was more stressful than getting married, but having our eldest was less stressful.

[Gratia271]

Having twins with all of the complications etc... was the most stressful time in my life to date. Marriage and first born were easy.

[prairie rose]

I also put kids. When I was 15 years old, my cousin had a huge wedding. I honestly couldn't see why anyone would put themselves through all that. I'm fairly extroverted and don't mind being the center of attention at all but I still couldn't see why anyone would want a big fancy wedding like she had. I vowed from that day on that I would never ever have a wedding. Dh and I got married at the Justice of the Peace. My parents, my best friend, his best friend and a mutual friend were the only ones in attendance. I have no regrets. ;)

 

I do remember one day just a few weeks before our oldest son was born thinking "Oh my goodness, what have we done!?!? This child is going to be completely dependent on us every hour of the day, what if I've just had it one day? I can't just put it in the closet and go do something else for while...what on earth were we thinking?!?!?" I think the reality of the situation hitting me like a ton of bricks plus hormones just made for a freak out moment that day. :lol:

[saja1029]

No problems getting married...though that was easy...

 

Now having kids.....that threw me for a loop. Honestly had a hard time changing my ways....LOL...but now, can't imagine life without them :)

[blakereese]

For us, having kids. It is just a huge change, even when you are ready and askin' for it! :D

 

I was assuming when you said getting married you meant adding a partner to your life, not the actual wedding.

[JFSinIL]

Having kids - since I started out with twins.

[Mama Geek]

I voted marriage. I was young, came from a divorced home and didn't understand what it really took to be a wife and to make a marriage work. I had my dd when I was 35 and had a much better understanding of who I was and what a major responsibility raising a child is.

 

Next to getting married, getting into contract engineering was the most stressful life changing thing I did. It was very hard making that leap and then it was a leap to a very difficult job that had major financial rewards. I worked it for 1 1/2 years and most of the time wondered if I was going to be fired when I walked in the building each day. I did end up being laid off but it was due to decreasing work, not my performance.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Getting married. I had had very bad experiences pre-marriage with men that included violence. I was very nervous about committing to spend my life with a man, even though I spent our 2 year engagement getting to know him very well and making sure he was the right one. Our first year was rocky partly because I had a hard time trusting him.

 

Having kids was a snap.

[FriedClams]

Dealing with all the intricacies of sick and aging parents. Trumps it all.

[missmoe]

I put getting married. Neither my dh or I had had good examples that showed us how to be married. Living together and getting along was hard. We've gotten better at it of course, but it was hard that first year or two.

[FaithManor]

The pregnancy part of having kids was by far the absolute worst stress of my life. Getting married...easy. Pregnant...disastrous. My first pregnancy was horrible. I had nine months of awful morning sickness, very rarely throwing up less than three times per day and my worst day was 18! I contracted a resistent bladder infection at 16 weeks and they thought I would lose the baby because of it. The doctor that delivered was an idiot...just loved forceps and big episiotomies. I had 64 unnecessary stitches down there and a newborn with a massive bruise on her face. Another OB from a different group came to my room after she was born and asked me if I was going to sue the doctor because she'd be willing to testify against him.

 

Second pregnancy...nausea though not quite as severe but while teaching at a private school which, according to my teaching contract quaranteed me six weeks maternity leave (without pay but I didn't care). When ds was only one week old, the school principal called to tell me that the school board had moved the dates of the Spring Choir Concert, Band Concerts, and School Play up five weeks and in order to be ready, I should expect to be back at work the following week. I said what the #$%^&* (not my best moment and this was a "Christian School" but, I am not the kind of woman - post delivery - to be surprising with inconsiderate things like that). I pulled out my contract, read it to him, and told him to stuff it and "I quit. You can't stop me because you violated the contract." But, later I felt really sorry for my graduating seniors who were very much looking forward to their last concerts and play. So, I caved and came back to work when ds was barely three weeks old. Thankfully it was only a part time position, three hours per day and so my mom kept ds and when he was tiny, he slept the whole time I was gone. By the end of the semester, he was wanting to eat before I could get there but was perfectly content to take a bottle from grandma to tide him over. Good Boy!

 

Third pregnancy - not much nausea and the pregnancy itself was pretty easy. The delivery was easy. I nearly died during post-partum as I apparently didn't seem to possess potassium, iron, or clotting factor for that matter.

 

Fourth pregnancy - wasn't supposed to happen because it was generally thought that I should not ever get pregnant again after the last fiasco. So, I spent the entire pregnancy being told that I was not all that likely to live past the delivery of this one. Wrote good bye letters to my children and Dh, put a letter away for the new little one, drafted family and friends to help dh with child care, made my dear sweet friend at a local Lutheran K-8 school (a great school that I later taught at for a couple of years but not the nightmare institution described above) promise to take my children into her school and watch over their education, made sure that my life insurance policy was handy and notified our agent so it would be easy for dh to cash in, you know...the usual stuff you do when you've been told your "terminal" and have four very young chldren to worry about.

 

Lo and behold, I clotted and lived and did not have to have my entire blood supply replaced nor have a transfusion reaction. It was pleasantly uneventful and my midwife, the OB, and the team waiting outside the door for me to crash, were all just tickled pink. This was wonderful. But, it also had it's emotional problems as well. I had literally spent the entire pregnancy not thinking of myself in terms of actually caring for this child. Suddenly, I had someone to nurse, someone to care for, etc. and I wasn't even prepared to do it. He wasn't a good nurser at the start and I had some post-partum depression...so argh...the first couple of months weren't too smooth. Thankfully, he was born in May and I had dd through all of her school work. But, I'd enrolled her in the Lutheran school and now was alive to homeschool her and felt I should do so. Frantic school planning ensued. Looking back, I should have just left her enrolled in that nice little school and taken the time to enjoy my new baby and the fact that I was going to live to raise him.

 

So, yeah...marriage easy.....the prenancy thing....NIGHTMARE!

 

Faith

[joannqn]

Getting married.

 

We were dirt poor and I quit my job mid-way through planning because of stresses there (psycho coworker). I had my dress made by a different co-worker so it would be what I wanted but cheap, but had to sew on about 40 buttons and all of the sequins, beads, and lace myself. I price shopped everything and bought as cheap as possible, including having a cheaper Saturday morning wedding. It ended up costing us about $3,000 total. We couldn't afford RSVP cards and thought way more people would attend than did. I delayed the wedding by an hour hoping more people would come. I felt unloved and was crying when I saw how few came in relation to how many invitations were sent out. We couldn't afford a honeymoon so we took our few gifts home, unwrapped them, had tea for the first time, and went to dinner. We were back to work on Monday.

 

Things fell apart from there, and we had a very rough marriage for many years, including almost divorcing after 6 years. We're on year 15, and we're finally happily married.

[RoughCollie]

Getting married was very stressful for me because I had to move from Atlanta to Boston. I had never been north of the Mason-Dixon line in my life, and it was very difficult for me to adjust to living there. Plus, I had lots of friends and a job I loved in Atlanta.

 

But having kids was more stressful. Planned for one, had triplets. I was on bed rest after the first month, and in the hospital for about 8 weeks total. They were 3 months premature, and two of them had 9 operations (total) during the first 6 years. Thank God that DD was so healthy she didn't have even a cold until she went to Kindergarten.

Edited January 10, 2011 by RoughCollie

[Soror]

Kids, hands down. He just cried and never slept. Sleep deprivation is used as torture!

 

We also had our house burn down 2 days before number 2 was born it is a close race on what was the hardest. My personal theme song for that time was "If Your Going Through Hell Keep on Going".

 

Of course those hard times makes you stronger in the end and thankfully life has been a bit calmer as of late.

[Ravin]

Honestly getting out of the service was probably bigger than either, but I put kids. I got married on a 4 day liberty pass and we didn't actually live under the same roof for the first 2 years of our marriage, so I sort of eased in to married life, if that makes any sense.

[knit247]

I didn't vote, because for me they were both about equal. When I married DH, I moved from NC to HI - first time in my life (I was 26) that I had lived more than 20 minutes from my parents. That was hard!

 

Having my first DD was a bit rough as well. Looking back I now realize that I had PPD for some time after she was born. Some of the thoughts that ran through my head (never of harming her, but I did often picture her falling down stairs or over a railing - very scary) made me feel even worse. By the time DD#2 came along I was an old pro ;) and nothing much phased me.

 

All in all, both marriage and having children were equally stressful!

Edited January 10, 2011 by FindingLaurie
spelling

[Peela]

Getting married wasnt a big deal...we had been living together and had 2 kids before we decided to officially tie the knot. So out of those 2 choices, having kids was more stressful. But its not relaly the having of th ekids either..that doesnt seem stressful. Its the situations around it...2nd kid we were living too isolated....normal increased marriage stress after both births....stuff like that. Not really the actual having of kids.

[southcarolinamom]

By far, the most stressful thing that has happened has been my husband losing his job in Jan 2010, and then being out of work for 8 months. We've held it together financially with the medical transcription work I do at home, but ... barely.

 

Having him home ALL the time under such a stressful situation has been awful! We've never snapped at each other as much as we have this past year. Regretfully, our children could sometimes hear us arguing, which added stress and uneasiness to their lives. The "final straw" was when my daughter asked me if we were getting a divorce. :confused: Thankfully, my hubby has had work for the last 4 months, so things are getting better.

[Just Robyn]

Between those two it is getting married. When I had a wedding to plan I knew I couldn't make myself happy and family members. I went with making them happy and that is something I now regret.

[Truscifi]

I voted kids. Dh and I lived together before we were married, so it wasn't a huge change, just a more permanent version of what we had already been doing. Having ds was stressful because I had a difficult pregnancy, and because dh didn't understand until ds was about 2 that he actually had to make some changes too if he was going to be a decent husband and father.

[JessReplanted]

For me, it was definitely getting married. I moved away from friends and family and my entire life changed. Having kids seemed to be just a natural part of getting married.

(Although, I already had a step-daughter, so our life was already fairly kid-focused.)

[Leighton Academy]

Neither was particularly stressful to me. But if I had to choose, I would choose having a baby. Having our first child was stressful to our marriage even though we celebrated our fourth anniversary a week after he was born and we were 24 and 28. Hubby had a hard time adjusting to not being the center of attention anymore.

 

Personally my most stressful time as an adult was when we moved to CA from NC. I had to sell our first home, leave friends and family behind and live with my in-laws for 5 months while hubby lived at his duty station 2 hours away.

[nukeswife]

I voted getting married, but that's only because when we married DH had been in the Navy for 5 years, I had to get used to all the moving, not living near family, occupying my time while he was on deployment. It wasn't uber stressful, but more so for me than having children. When we had our first I was so ready to be a mom and he was such an easy baby, that things just kind of flowed without any stress at all.