Please tell me if I'm being reactive... would you take this step?

[Christyinco]

My 15 yr old dd, whom I homeschooled since 3rd grade started attending a "homeschool high school" for her high school years (they go 2 days a week and work from home the other 3). Freshman year was great, but her Sophomore year has been different. One of her best friends left (there's only 13 in her class - total of 80 in the school) and went to another place and this used to be a school where you had to have done at least 2 years of homeschooling prior to enrolling. This past year they've allowed in kids coming in straight from public school and may have homeschooled one year when they were little, etc. There seems to me to be some troubled kids in the school and my dd seems to be a magnet. I've just recently learned that she is engaging in some destructive behavior... the same behavior I've heard her talk about that some of the other kids do. She has also lost interest in things that she used to love - art, horses, and most importantly, her relationship with God.

 

I think that my dd is under a lot of stress (the school is very rigorous academically as far as workload, but not really depth - a lot of BJU, Glencoe, and Abeka) and she has already stated that she learns things to take the test then forgets them (not new stuff, I know). She gets straight A's, but at what price? She then has all these friends that have some emotional baggage, no time to engage in outside activities (she's a slow worker and schooling takes her all day).

 

My gut tells me this may not be the place for her, though she is highly social and would really miss some of her friends. We have other options, but just not sure if I'm reacting or not. The school is very tough on dress code (uniforms), what they can wear at school sponsored events and have a high standard of behavior. The idea is that all these kids would be perfect little children running around, but there are serious issues underneath. Don't get me wrong, there are also some really good kids there too. It's the same as in any situation like this. Should I help her deal with these friends and stress of school or take her out of the school?

Edited December 9, 2010 by Christyinco

[Ellie]

I can tell you what I'd do if it were my daughter in that situation: she'd be out. Today. End of story.

[NanceXToo]

I would take my daughter out, yes. I'm sure there will be people who will feel she's got to learn to get along in those kinds of settings with all different people and so on and so forth, but not at that age and not at the expense involved (destructive behaviors, losing interest in things she previously loved, and so on) and not with my daughter. No. She'd be out.

[LidiyaDawn]

I can tell you what I'd do if it were my daughter in that situation: she'd be out. Today. End of story.

:iagree:

[Janie Grace]

I agree with the others. I think your gut feeling is what you should listen to, and although it might be hard on her at first, I bet she'll thank you later.

[Unicorn.]

"I've just recently learned that she is engaging in some destructive behavior... the same behavior I've heard her talk about that some of the other kids do. She has also lost interest in things that she used to love - art, horses, and most importantly, her relationship with God."

 

This would concern me a great deal, and I would probably pull her out, BUT, gently speaking....Teens need outside activities. I understand about being a slow worker, and school taking all day, I have 2 like that. But they do need to be w/ other teens, hang out, de-stress, and just be kids. They also need to push boundaries a little bit (why? I don't know- because it helps them grow, lets them know they have some say in their life, and helps them in the transition to becoming adults) Can you find time for her to hang out w/ her like minded friends more often?

Edited December 9, 2010 by Unicorn
because like is spelled w/ 1 L, not 2

[JudoMom]

I'd go with your gut and pull her out.

 

(I also sent you a PM :001_smile:)

[amy g.]

My kids have been taking homeschool classes two days a week for five years now.

 

I have seen some of the same changes in the students that you have. The director has told me that they have problems with teens that have always been in public school, but had behavior or academic problems so now they are homeschooling.

 

Those kinds of kids don't seem to last long. The tuition or the work load eventually becomes too much for them.

 

If I were in your situation, but had my own kids, I would work on getting Dd to be less easily influenced. Since I don't know your daughter, it's also possible she needs to be out of the situation now.

[Christyinco]

that the main reason she wants to be there is due to a boy she likes (though says he is only a friend) and his parents have already been in contact with us regarding their interest in each other and their concern. He has had some suicidal tendencies prior.

 

The destructive behavior is cutting. I've learned all this from reading her diary (and I'm okay with that, just for info.). The cutting scares me to death. I think it has just started and I really think she got the idea from some of these kids.

 

Wow, after writing all of this it makes me think - why is she there? Sometime seeing it all out on the table (or monitor) makes it real clear.

[Meriwether]

that the main reason she wants to be there is due to a boy she likes (though says he is only a friend) and his parents have already been in contact with us regarding their interest in each other and their concern. He has had some suicidal tendencies prior.

 

The destructive behavior is cutting. I've learned all this from reading her diary (and I'm okay with that, just for info.). The cutting scares me to death. I think it has just started and I really think she got the idea from some of these kids.

 

Wow, after writing all of this it makes me think - why is she there? Sometime seeing it all out on the table (or monitor) makes it real clear.

 

I'd pull her, now.

[fairfarmhand]

yep. she'd be out today.

 

I went to a Christian school it was exactly as you said...all these kids running around looking perfectly "Christian" on the outside but serious issues were hiding underneath.

[LidiyaDawn]

that the main reason she wants to be there is due to a boy she likes (though says he is only a friend) and his parents have already been in contact with us regarding their interest in each other and their concern. He has had some suicidal tendencies prior.

 

The destructive behavior is cutting. I've learned all this from reading her diary (and I'm okay with that, just for info.). The cutting scares me to death. I think it has just started and I really think she got the idea from some of these kids.

 

Wow, after writing all of this it makes me think - why is she there? Sometime seeing it all out on the table (or monitor) makes it real clear.

 

Oh dear.

 

1) OUT, now.

 

2) professional help - whether she's doing it for the 'classic' reasons or because she "got the idea" from other kids, cutting is not something that an emotionally healthy person does. (and it's dangerous)

[Tammyla]

:iagree: I would take her out asap.

I can tell you what I'd do if it were my daughter in that situation: she'd be out. Today. End of story.

 

that the main reason she wants to be there is due to a boy she likes (though says he is only a friend) and his parents have already been in contact with us regarding their interest in each other and their concern. He has had some suicidal tendencies prior.

 

The destructive behavior is cutting. I've learned all this from reading her diary (and I'm okay with that, just for info.). The cutting scares me to death. I think it has just started and I really think she got the idea from some of these kids.

 

Wow, after writing all of this it makes me think - why is she there? Sometime seeing it all out on the table (or monitor) makes it real clear.

[FaithManor]

I would remove her from the school pronto. She needs counseling for the cutting and right away.

 

Locally, there is a very active homeschool body that meets every Friday for all kinds of enrichment classes. I've never gone because the stories are ridiculous and mostly because they've allowed children in who are only being "homeschooled" because they've been expelled from the public school or are waiting out a long suspension.

 

Faith

[StephanieZ]

1A) out now. NOW.

1B) talk to your girl. Now. Next week. Every week. Take her to tea. Ask her how she's feeling.

2) nice long family fun holiday time through the holidays

3) restart school on your own in January

4) find time minimum 1x, ideally 2x, a week for a social thing with a nice, healthy friend or two.

5) if cutting continues past the holidays, or worsens at any time, get professional guidance ASAP

[Heatherwith4]

1A) out now. NOW.

1B) talk to your girl. Now. Next week. Every week. Take her to tea. Ask her how she's feeling.

2) nice long family fun holiday time through the holidays

3) restart school on your own in January

4) find time minimum 1x, ideally 2x, a week for a social thing with a nice, healthy friend or two.

5) if cutting continues past the holidays, or worsens at any time, get professional guidance ASAP

:iagree:

[joannqn]

1A) out now. NOW.

1B) talk to your girl. Now. Next week. Every week. Take her to tea. Ask her how she's feeling.

2) nice long family fun holiday time through the holidays

3) restart school on your own in January

4) find time minimum 1x, ideally 2x, a week for a social thing with a nice, healthy friend or two.

5) if cutting continues past the holidays, or worsens at any time, get professional guidance ASAP

:iagree:

 

This is serious. Obviously, you are religious. Do you really want her to lose her relationship with God entirely? She's already heading that direction, and will only keep going unless something is done. And cutting? No way would I not deal with that immediately. And if the friends and school are part of either/both of those, she'd be out immediately. She needs strong family relationships, positive peer relationships, and counseling before it becomes a bigger problem.

[Sophia]

I'd pull her out in a heartbeat, but also be looking for other appropriate social outlets.

[mcconnellboys]

Well, I would definitely work on dealing with it this year. And I think I'd talk to the school officials, too, and tell them I'm considering pulling her for next year because of these issues. I'd try to get a feel for whether or not they're getting similar feedback from other parents who had been there before these new kids came in....

[bookfiend]

Repeating what other have posted

 

Get Out

Get Help

 

Adding - get rid of the boy.

[Harriet Vane]

that the main reason she wants to be there is due to a boy she likes (though says he is only a friend) and his parents have already been in contact with us regarding their interest in each other and their concern. He has had some suicidal tendencies prior.

 

The destructive behavior is cutting. I've learned all this from reading her diary (and I'm okay with that, just for info.). The cutting scares me to death. I think it has just started and I really think she got the idea from some of these kids.

 

Wow, after writing all of this it makes me think - why is she there? Sometime seeing it all out on the table (or monitor) makes it real clear.

 

I have worked extensively with troubled kids over many years.

 

My bil is a therapist who specializes and works with a hospital self-injurers program.

 

Pull her out NOW. Redirect NOW, before it gets worse.

[Harriet Vane]

1A) out now. NOW.

1B) talk to your girl. Now. Next week. Every week. Take her to tea. Ask her how she's feeling.

2) nice long family fun holiday time through the holidays

3) restart school on your own in January

4) find time minimum 1x, ideally 2x, a week for a social thing with a nice, healthy friend or two.

5) if cutting continues past the holidays, or worsens at any time, get professional guidance ASAP

 

:iagree: Excellent advice. However, I wouldn't wait to bring in the pros. Get a therapist who specializes in self-injury NOW. Don't do it in a group setting--if this is new behavior on your dd's part, individual therapy may do the trick better than a group. (I don't object to group support in general--I just think in this case that NOT being in a group would be better.)

[ktgrok]

Pull her now. She's with emotionally unhealthy people and doing somthing very dangerous. NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!! She will be mad. But she will be relieved as well. She probably thought she was helping this boy, but she is not emotionally mature enough to do that yet. she is now caught up in it and not strong or mature enough to walk away. help her to walk away, make this decision for her as she obviously can't. cutting is just as dangerous and self destructive as doing drugs. GET HER AWAY!!!!

[JVA]

Oh dear.

 

1) OUT, now.

 

2) professional help - whether she's doing it for the 'classic' reasons or because she "got the idea" from other kids, cutting is not something that an emotionally healthy person does. (and it's dangerous)

 

 

:iagree::iagree:

I'd make an appt. with a Christian counselor immediately. Cutting is a sign of serious things- but as with all evil/sin- God can redeem our behaviours and thoughts. :)

You may have to 'move' her life in a whole new direction- away from these kids, away from the 'boyfriend' and towards a safer environment. Hopefully, professionals can help you. Hunt around, ask a LOT of questions of therapists, get recommendations. You're in the drivers seat with this and YOU choose who would be best. If after a few sessions, they aren't clicking or you don't like the direction of the counseling, you may certainly 'bail' and find another one. No harm in that.

I'm sorry your daughter is feeling these emotions. Continue to show her your love in ways she can understand and believe. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

My son cut--really not much at first, horrifically later.

Please get her help. Make the call tomorrow and check in with us. Cutting can be difficult to remediate.

Change her surroundings and cut off contact with the boy. Tell her it's just not healthy for him to be around her until she can deal with her feelings in a healthy way.

And, as gently as I can, YOU go to therapy, too. It's a family disorder. If she gets help and her environment, including the family, doesn't change, she is likely to relapse. This is not to say you are to blame. The therapist (seek out a good family systems therapist with self-injurous behaviors experience) will help the whole family become just that, a whole family.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Trish]

I don't see any benefit to keeping here there. You'll just be hoping the next problem to develop won't be worse.

[NoPlaceLikeHome]

I'd pull her, now.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[NanceXToo]

I already said I'd pull her out but after reading about the cutting, I'd get her into counseling ASAP as well.

[danybug]

I would remove my dd. I realize you can't shield your child from everything and that you can't pick her friends, but if you have the opportunity to change the path their on then how can you not?

 

It sounds like even beyond the destructive friends, that her whole attitude towards learning, etc has changed. Sending her to a school that makes her feel that way can in no way be a true positive.

[danybug]

Oh gosh, I didn't read the other threads. Much worse than I thought. :grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[Laurie4b]

Cutting is often a way of alleviating (emotional) pain, believe it or not. The emotional pain subsides temporarily when the pain of the cutting happens. That can be in combination with self-contempt. I agree with others to get a counselor.

 

For the sake of her relationship with God , I would get her out of an environment that practices Christianity on the outside while neglecting the inside. I'd rather that my kid was in a totally secular environment (which I think can sometimes strengthen one's faith) than a fakey Christian one.

[MamaT]

Repeating what other have posted

 

Get Out

Get Help

 

Adding - get rid of the boy.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[burleygirl]

I would take her out. She will probably "hate" you at first but it's for her own good. She sounds a lot like my daughter who is highly social and although she knows better she tends to follow the group because she wants to be liked and accepted.

[RanchGirl]

Cutting scares me... I consider that "go time" as a mom. As in you have major work to do, right now and all other responsibilities and obligations would pale in comparison. I would drop the school, the boy, the friends, and everything else in her life *and mine* until the cutting and the underlying issues are resolved completely. Seek professional guidance and spend all your time building this child up and strengthening your relationship with her. Only add in activities and friends that are going to be positive influences. Does she have a passion, some kind of activity or sport that makes her feel confident, gives her an identity? Find one.... one that does not involve negative influences.

[Harriet Vane]

Cutting scares me... I consider that "go time" as a mom. As in you have major work to do, right now and all other responsibilities and obligations would pale in comparison. I would drop the school, the boy, the friends, and everything else in her life *and mine* until the cutting and the underlying issues are resolved completely. Seek professional guidance and spend all your time building this child up and strengthening your relationship with her. Only add in activities and friends that are going to be positive influences. Does she have a passion, some kind of activity or sport that makes her feel confident, gives her an identity? Find one.... one that does not involve negative influences.

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[tex-mex]

I can tell you what I'd do if it were my daughter in that situation: she'd be out. Today. End of story.

:iagree:

 

As a teen and adult, I dealt with my childhood abuses as repressed anger with self-destructive behaviors and injury. I'm fine now with the "wounds" of my childhood, by the grace of God in my life. Only my compulsions are limited to my OCD/Dermotillomania. When highly agitated or stressed, I attack my skin. I have been in counseling for decades and still am on meds. Your dd needs intervention NOW and the person she is imitating or idolizing far away. Does she deal with anxiety or depression?

Edited December 10, 2010 by tex-mex

[bettyandbob]

take her out. cutting gets worse. If it were my kid my steps would be out, counseling, and then rebuilding previous interests or cultivating new healthy interests.

 

extra note

At this point academics would be secondary and I wouldn't care if my dc lost a year. However, if I wanted to keep her going and I didn't want to keep what she had started I would search online programs that a low key for demands (there are some). --because at this point my dc would need me for stuff other than an academic teacher.

[Momma H]

Get her out.

 

I also think that the person in charge of the school should be notified. Not for blaming or anything like that but they should be aware that there are some really unhealthy things going on with thier school. I am sure that they would never want anything even remotely like that going on in thier school!

Edited December 10, 2010 by Momma H

[mom2denj]

I can tell you what I'd do if it were my daughter in that situation: she'd be out. Today. End of story.

 

Ditto! I am terrified because I have decided to let my dd go to public high school this year and this is exactly what I am afraid of.:glare:

[happyholly]

Because you love her very much, please pull her out now! Pull her out while you are still the voice in your relationship and stilll have an ear. If she stays then her ears may end of listening to her friends and their words will start to weigh more than yours, to her. She is still so very young and if you wanted her to be in a public school atmosphere than you would have put her there. I have seen quite a few homeschool organizations do this , and allow people recently from public school with only a few years. even month ,even, of homeschooling. They start to think about $ signs instead the interest of children who have solely been homeschool. While it is good that the children are now homeschooling , there has yet to be a process set up to permit them to leave the negative social baggage of pubic school behind, thus they incorporate it into the new environment and sadly usually on apple starts to spoil the whole bunch but when there's a barrel of bad apples , you even lose the original taste, smell ,and look of the bunch.

Please take her out , but be ready to introduce her to something old from the past like( horses ect ) and something new that she can embrace that will get her mind focused in a new direction. You've read her diary there has got to be something in there that she likes which you can incorporate in her new change.

Edited December 10, 2010 by happyholly

[Christyinco]

This has sadden my heart so very much. She is a beautiful child and I only want to see her flourish. She starts Christmas break from her school today (for 3 weeks), which is great timing. It will give us time to make those decisions regarding her academics - of which, I agree, are secondary at this point. Since reading her diary we've found other things, like letters from friends who tell her that they aren't thinking of suicide anymore because of her friendship. How does a 15 yr. old girl even begin to deal with something like that? They don't, obviously. My dh and I do agree about redirecting her and helping her to find healthier relationships. We know counseling is in order, but need to talk to her first to get some idea of what's going on. We want to approach her in the right way and help guide her to a healthier life. I'm already planning on some things we can do together to help with self-esteem. This will be a long road, but I'm grateful we found this information and it is still early.

 

Thanks again for all your advise and concerns. I know as moms, we can all feel that pain when our babies are in peril.

[Hedgehog]

Firstly, :grouphug: to you and your dd.

 

As others have said, take her out right away. Address whatever you know about asap, with a good Christian counsellor as suits your beliefs, and do work hard on keeping and strengthening your bond with her; this is critical IMO. Have mom-dd dates to coffee, shopping, walks, whatever. She really needs you, and you're a great mama to have recognised a problem and are prepared to deal with it.

 

Since reading her diary we've found other things, like letters from friends who tell her that they aren't thinking of suicide anymore because of her friendship. How does a 15 yr. old girl even begin to deal with something like that? They don't, obviously.

 

On the one hand I think your dd must be a wonderful young lady to have helped her friends so much, but on the other hand I am thinking that this is quite a heavy burden of responsibility to bear - it seems to imply that if she is no longer their friend, they will begin to think of harming themselves again. I think she may need to talk about this, in addition to the other issues.

 

Also.. she is 15yo.. and has had some involvement with a boy with major problems of his own.. IMO this is not good. I couldn't even cope with my manic depressive boyfriend when I was 19yo. Tbh the best thing your dd can do for this boy is to pray for him. She obviously has a compassionate heart, and when she's older and more experienced she may well be able to help people like this.

 

I don't think you asked, but I'll be praying for you as you work through this stage.

 

Blessings

Hedgehog x

[HomeschoolingMy4]

I understand not wanting to just reactively pull her but I think you have *good* reason to do. I'll be praying for you guys. It's NOT easy.

[Medieval Mom]

Your not being reactive, you are reacting to a very dangerous, unhealthy situation. Get her out now. Get her help. I'd carefully screen her friends for a while, too. I also agree with the above posters to make sure she drops the boy. :grouphug: