Teen Girl Advice from those that have BTDT :(

[Margaret in GA]

Need some advice and some support and so who else to come to but this board? :confused:This is most definitely some stuff not to discuss in real life with people I know.

Last night my dh and I read our dd (17) text messages. We've never done it before and we initially just wanted to check the last phone number called since we found dd on our front porch on the phone at 11:30 last night. What we found was very, very shocking and I won't go into all the details here, but I need some support from parents of teens who have found things out about their kids (of a s*xual nature) that they wished they hadn't. Do you confront them and tell them you read their personal texts or do you set stricter limits (ground them and shut off their fb, texting, email, etc.) and try harder to connect and talk it over in a more general/vague way? Really struggling with this because the stuff I saw was very personal and she'll be crushed if she knew her dad and I read it. She's a good kid and goodness knows she's loved and supported at home. I really never thought this would happen-- we talk and I thought she'd been open with me boy-wise. And she's only ever been to public places with boys- youth group, movie theater, mall. I'm so devastated. She's currently grounded from everything for 2 weeks (due to the late night phone call), but I'm looking for what to do when the two weeks is up.

 

Second bit of advice I need: we also saw that her best friend is s*xually active. Do we tell the girl's parents? Do we stay out of it? I know this girl's mom would want to know.

 

what to do what to do

Margaret

[clementine]

I will listen in on this thread since I have a young teen and a pre-teen daughter.

 

:grouphug: to you as you tackle this.

[CoastalGal]

Said in LOVE: (from someone who has been there and is still living it)

 

Why do you wish you didn't know about this?

 

Why are you worried that your daughter will be upset when she finds out you checked her phone?

 

IMO, 2 weeks is NOT enough...not even close.

 

Preface: We're not perfect parents...never have been, never will be. My daughter lost her phone for a month, lost driving privileges for 2 weeks, and is still "banned" from contact with her boyfriend. (It's been 60 days...) We have done a Bible Study on purity with her -- and she was actually relieved that we knew and she didn't have to hide it any more.

 

The boy's parents had NO idea what was going on. He thanked us for telling him.

 

:grouphug:

[Sophia]

Did you have any kind of rules in place?

 

Our dc know we reserve the right to randomly inspect all their communication~texts, im's, FB, emails, and yes, we have caught inappropriate messages that we addressed right away with restrictions and increased monitoring of communication and friendships.

 

Although ds doesn't like the monitoring, lol, I think he would also admit it has strengthened our relationship as we talk about everything.

 

My monitoring is limited to my own dc though. I don't think I would call a 17 y.o. 's parents if I discovered that information on my dc's phone. Maybe if it were a 13 or 14 y.o...

[liber]

I'm listening too. Just found out my almost 17 year old son is in a sexual relationship as well. We've talked about the whole purity thing, etc too with him. His girlfriend is from the youth group at church. Her parents were shocked too. Currently both are grounded and not allowed to talk to each other. We don't know for how long. Problem is we don't want to make them so angry that it drives them to together. Also my son is not sorry that they had sex. So I'm all ears.:bigear:

[Jean in Newcastle]

Did you have any kind of rules in place?

 

Our dc know we reserve the right to randomly inspect all their communication~texts, im's, FB, emails, and yes, we have caught inappropriate messages that we addressed right away with restrictions and increased monitoring of communication and friendships.

 

Although ds doesn't like the monitoring, lol, I think he would also admit it has strengthened our relationship as we talk about everything.

 

My monitoring is limited to my own dc though. I don't think I would call a 17 y.o. 's parents if I discovered that information on my dc's phone. Maybe if it were a 13 or 14 y.o...

 

:iagree:

[Ravin]

If your family environment is one that gave your DD the expectation that her phone was private, then you should probably not betray her trust by reading her texts, in absence of concern for her safety.

 

If you were concerned for her safety and that is why you checked her phone, you should tell her so. If the rule she violated that you know she did without violating her privacy was to make a late night phone call when she's not supposed to, then grounding from it sounds appropriate to me.

 

I would give it a bit of a cooling off period and then see if you can get her to open up and talk. Don't be surprised if she won't, if you're going to disapprove of her sexual expression out of hand. If you saw evidence of abuse in her relationship, and not simply consentual things that you'd rather she wasn't consenting to, that's something else and should be dealt with directly and frankly. Make sure she has access to whatever she needs to be safe with whatever decisions she's making, and that she understands the risks (whether it's having a message forwarded to people she'd rather not see it, or health risks, or whatever) of what she's up to.

 

And give her a little room to make some of her own mistakes and find her own way. Hopefully they won't be too big of mistakes.

[mysticamethyst]

For me I woundn't confront her about the text's. They were private or so she thought, you say she talks to you openly, if you let her know you read her phone that might end. She will see it as an invasion of privacy, even tho privacy is an illusion as a teen it will still crush her. I would take her to an OB asap and get her checked out and then put on bc. At this point it doesn't matter that the choices she is making aren't the ones you want her to make now its a matter of keeping her safe from those choices as best you can.

 

How long till she is 18? Is this worth making a mess out of your relationship just before she embarks on her adult life? If she were 16 my answer would be completely opposite of this I can promise but at 17 almost 18, she is basically an adult as painful as it is to watch or know about.

 

Saddly sex it part of most teens life they don't want to wait they don't understand the ramifcations of their actions completely. Teens think NOTHING bad can happen to them, they are invincable, I remember being that way. No matter how many times we say you should wait, its meaningless unless love is involved, and on and on. They think we are full of hooey and have no idea what its like.

 

I wish you luck. Teenagers are definately a different kind of challenge. I call it the terrible teens similar to the terrible two's. It comes down to them learning how to be their own person and where they fit in.:grouphug::grouphug:

[BMW]

I agree that the rules need to be in place... clearly understood.

 

My teens know that I reserve the right to check out phone history, texts and email accounts at any time when I have reason to believe they are making poor decisions or I suspect that they are breaking rules. Their internet goes off every night at 8pm. They do not have their own phones right now, but they have had them in the past. I know that some parents don't do this and that is fine... it is their choice. I also know that some kids sneak and are good at covering their tracks.

 

I would talk about what you expect and what your rules are.

 

If your child is going to continue to make choices against your wishes anyawy (physical relationships)anyway... take a deep breath and read on...

 

My oldest dd did this. I was not in a place to monitor her closely. It hurt in my heart a lot. I had to work full time, shuffle kids to school and wade through the mud of a nasty divorce. Her grandmother took her and put her on bc pills. I remember, after years of teaching this daughter and having hopes for her to make other choices, having to tell her that getting pregnant would really not be a good thing for her. And she was bent on experimenting with smoking, too. I had to stick to basics... like making sure that she was safe as much as possible and staying friendly and caring when I really wanted to yell at her and get in her face about it. I had to live my beliefs in front of her and continue to love her and it hurt a lot.

 

She grew up. She now is an advocate for what I have believed all along. She is a terrific older sister and talks to the younger ones about making good choices. She will deliver her baby in Jan. and turn 21 in March. To hear her talk about safe baby products... to watch her read pregnancy and parenting books... to see how much she has matured... to spend a couple days with her and like who she is... is all very special to me. I don't know that we would have this relationship if I had gone off the deep end and forced my beliefs on her. I had to let her go, offer safety and the listening ear of a caring mom...

 

Anyway... my 2nd dd is now making choices, first year of college, and I don't like her choices, either. But, she knows my number, she knows I love her no matter what and she knows what I believe.

 

Just my experience...

[Margaret in GA]

Said in LOVE: (from someone who has been there and is still living it)

 

Why do you wish you didn't know about this?

 

Why are you worried that your daughter will be upset when she finds out you checked her phone?

 

IMO, 2 weeks is NOT enough...not even close.

 

Preface: We're not perfect parents...never have been, never will be. My daughter lost her phone for a month, lost driving privileges for 2 weeks, and is still "banned" from contact with her boyfriend. (It's been 60 days...) We have done a Bible Study on purity with her -- and she was actually relieved that we knew and she didn't have to hide it any more.

 

The boy's parents had NO idea what was going on. He thanked us for telling him.

 

:grouphug:

 

I am sorry I read them because they are very graphic and no mother wants to read that stuff about her little girl :( She will be upset because this was some really private stuff. It would shame her to the bone and might even cause her to withdraw once she knew that her dad and I read it.

 

The two weeks is just for the talking on the phone late at night. We are still mulling over what to do about the rest of this nightmarish information. I know for sure we are canceling her texting. Beyond that, I am lost. Because unless I do tell her what I saw, I can't really just out of the blue lock her up.

 

edited to add: Our rule with texting and fb has always been - you have the freedom to your privacy unless you show me you can't handle it. So, she totally thinks I wouldn't check her phone.

 

-M

Edited November 11, 2010 by Margaret in GA

[Margaret in GA]

For me I woundn't confront her about the text's. They were private or so she thought, you say she talks to you openly, if you let her know you read her phone that might end. She will see it as an invasion of privacy, even tho privacy is an illusion as a teen it will still crush her. I would take her to an OB asap and get her checked out and then put on bc. At this point it doesn't matter that the choices she is making aren't the ones you want her to make now its a matter of keeping her safe from those choices as best you can.

 

How long till she is 18? Is this worth making a mess out of your relationship just before she embarks on her adult life? If she were 16 my answer would be completely opposite of this I can promise but at 17 almost 18, she is basically an adult as painful as it is to watch or know about.

 

Saddly sex it part of most teens life they don't want to wait they don't understand the ramifcations of their actions completely. Teens think NOTHING bad can happen to them, they are invincable, I remember being that way. No matter how many times we say you should wait, its meaningless unless love is involved, and on and on. They think we are full of hooey and have no idea what its like.

 

I wish you luck. Teenagers are definately a different kind of challenge. I call it the terrible teens similar to the terrible two's. It comes down to them learning how to be their own person and where they fit in.:grouphug::grouphug:

 

She just turned 17. The bad thing about an OB appt is that being on the pill doesn't protect you from STDs. On the other hand, can I trust her to use a c*nd*m??

Thanks for the hugs. Thanks to all of you for your help.

-M

[AuntieM]

I'm thinking we would be signing up for some volunteer service at the nearest crises pregnancy center. Let her meet some folks who are facing the consequences of sexual relationships before they were ready for them.

 

Also, I'm not sure I'd completely forbid her from seeing the guy. I'd perhaps start doing things with that family and make our family gatherings their only time of togetherness. See if the bloom comes off the rose after that, or whether it really is true love.

 

There are two things I'd hone in on so I could avoid her feeling judged or her privacy invaded:

 

The truth can withstand scrutiny. And if you have to keep a relationship a secret, that's a clue that maybe you shouldn't be it.

 

I am purposely not addressing your religious/moral standards and speaking to her in light of your beliefs. It is my *personal* belief that that will come as a follow up. I have always presented my kids with the truth gently after they stray from it, that it may be a sweet motivator rather than a rod. I trust you will use your best judgement in that area.

 

I would also talk to the leaders of your church youth group/Sunday school teacher. I'd ask them to just be sure these two are always accounted for during youth activities. Or become involved in that leadership yourself.

 

FWIW, I agree with the poster who said she'd likely handle things differently with a younger teen. I would not want to risk alienating one who may be ready to bolt.

[Ravin]

You could simply make return of her phone priveleges contingent upon the clear understanding that you reserve the right to monitor all such communication--including her texts and IM's, for which you expect histories to remain intact. That might make her think twice about what she texts, or at least teach her to use the "delete" button on a selective basis...

[Karen in CO]

Did you have any kind of rules in place?

 

Our dc know we reserve the right to randomly inspect all their communication~texts, im's, FB, emails, and yes, we have caught inappropriate messages that we addressed right away with restrictions and increased monitoring of communication and friendships.

 

Although ds doesn't like the monitoring, lol, I think he would also admit it has strengthened our relationship as we talk about everything.

 

My monitoring is limited to my own dc though. I don't think I would call a 17 y.o. 's parents if I discovered that information on my dc's phone. Maybe if it were a 13 or 14 y.o...

 

I accidentally found incredibly inappropriate things on my ds's phone when he was about 17. I was incredibly hurt (yes, it's all about me :) ). I had to confront him about them. I told him that what I found was completely unacceptable. I canceled his texting service.

 

He wasn't happy, but neither was I. I was even mad that I had PAID for that.

 

Now, his stance is that his sisters should NEVER be allowed to text. Never.

I am afraid of what I didn't catch on his texts because of how adamant he is about his sisters not being allowed. I won't even say anything about what he thinks of FB.

 

Even though I work in the tech industry, I think the social-technology has evolved to a point that I don't understand it or its influence on our kids.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through. My advice is to be honest with your dd. You found out by accident not by snooping, but now that you know, you need to deal with the information you have. She's going to feel betrayed. This is a good opportunity to evaluate your rules and make sure they are age-appropriate and to make way for some more mature conversations with her.

[MariannNOVA]

I'm thinking we would be signing up for some volunteer service at the nearest crises pregnancy center. Let her meet some folks who are facing the consequences of sexual relationships before they were ready for them.

 

Also, I'm not sure I'd completely forbid her from seeing the guy. I'd perhaps start doing things with that family and make our family gatherings their only time of togetherness. See if the bloom comes off the rose after that, or whether it really is true love.

 

There are two things I'd hone in on so I could avoid her feeling judged or her privacy invaded:

 

The truth can withstand scrutiny. And if you have to keep a relationship a secret, that's a clue that maybe you shouldn't be it.

 

I am purposely not addressing your religious/moral standards and speaking to her in light of your beliefs. It is my *personal* belief that that will come as a follow up. I have always presented my kids with the truth gently after they stray from it, that it may be a sweet motivator rather than a rod. I trust you will use your best judgement in that area.

 

I would also talk to the leaders of your church youth group/Sunday school teacher. I'd ask them to just be sure these two are always accounted for during youth activities. Or become involved in that leadership yourself.

 

FWIW, I agree with the poster who said she'd likely handle things differently with a younger teen. I would not want to risk alienating one who may be ready to bolt.

 

A little of what everyone else wrote and THIS: bolded and in red above particularly.

 

As far as the fact that you came upon the texts (and she doesn't know that) and you are grounding her for being outside on the phone, well, in order not to alienate things further or throw gasoline on the flames, how about taking the posture that what you have grounded her for has caused you to re-think the boundaries that have to be in place.

 

I would emphasize keeping the lines of communication as open as you can - even going so far as to have someone available with whom she can speak -

 

The decisions you reach and the answers at which you arrive will to some extent be tailored uniquely to your daughter and your family. Just turning 17, imo, should be handled differently than just turned 13 or 14 or 15 or even 16. This IS about her -- this IS parenting in the trenches. I know, I've been there. :grouphug:

[Parrothead]

And she's only ever been to public places with boys- youth group, movie theater, mall.

If she is sexually active then this is not the case. She and her young man may start out at these places but they probably aren't staying there.

 

How soon until she is 18?

 

You cannot turn back the clock. What's done is done. I wonder about the two week grounding for being on the phone late. It isn't me, not my kid, but I do think that is a bit harsh. At 17 I would think you would be working your way to letting go. Not micromanaging so much. IMHO 17 is the year to make mistakes while still in the safety net of the family.

 

It probably goes against your instincts, but you cannot discipline this away.

 

You need to talk to her. Not in an accusatory way. Not I-know-what-you-are-doing-and-it-is-wrong. More of a while -I-still-do-not-approve,-I'm-here-if-you-need-anything. Make sure she knows about safe sex, offer getting her birth control, find out if she and her young man are talking about marriage.

 

And if you look at the phone as being a privilege instead of a tool, you might consider letting her get a job to pay for her own privilege. She might not have so much time to follow through with those texts.

 

ETA: I'd also let her know that since you accidentally found the texts, she should consider what it would mean if her younger siblings found the texts just as accidentally. Part of being an adult is being a role model for those younger than she.

Edited November 11, 2010 by Parrothead

[mommaduck]

If she is sexually active then this is not the case. She and her young man may start out at these places but they probably aren't staying there.

 

Excellent point. I won't even start about what went on amoungst our youth group when I was a teen...after events.

[Margaret in GA]

If she is sexually active then this is not the case. She and her young man may start out at these places but they probably aren't staying there.

 

How soon until she is 18?

 

You cannot turn back the clock. What's done is done. I wonder about the two week grounding for being on the phone late. It isn't me, not my kid, but I do think that is a bit harsh. At 17 I would think you would be working your way to letting go. Not micromanaging so much. IMHO 17 is the year to make mistakes while still in the safety net of the family.

 

It probably goes against your instincts, but you cannot discipline this away.

 

You need to talk to her. Not in an accusatory way. Not I-know-what-you-are-doing-and-it-is-wrong. More of a while -I-still-do-not-approve,-I'm-here-if-you-need-anything. Make sure she knows about safe sex, offer getting her birth control, find out if she and her young man are talking about marriage.

 

And if you look at the phone as being a privilege instead of a tool, you might consider letting her get a job to pay for her own privilege. She might not have so much time to follow through with those texts.

 

Yeah. Well since neither she and the boy drive, they somehow were staying there. I was foolish enough to believe that the youth group was a safe place. And the movie theater. And the mall. How crazy of me.

 

The phone thing sounds harsh, I agree. But, this isn't the first time we've caught her on the phone after she had 'gone to bed'. So, it is actually appropriate in my opinion. But, hey I'm totally open to suggestions because the way I've been parenting needs some adjustment.

-M

[smrtmama]

I think it was an intrusion of privacy, one that would be understandable with a 14 or 15 year old, but not really acceptable for someone who is almost a legal adult. While I think a parent's right to protect a child's safety overrides the child's right to privacy under many circumstances, I don't think that was the case here. You didn't suspect bad behavior (beyond being on the phone past the allowed time). By your own admission, you started off by just looking at the last number. Once the phone was in hand, you snooped, you found out something you didn't want to find out.

 

I hope you understand this could potentially drive a wedge between you and punishing her for what you found will drive a bigger one, possibly even drive her away. Forbidding contact w/ the boy(s) in question will just guarantee she'll fight harder to find a way to see them. My recommendation is to confess that you went into her phone and were upset by what you found. Voice your concern(s) and leave it open to her response. She will be upset and angry with you and it seems to me like she has a right to be. If you punish her now, you are pretty much ensuring she will sneak more and worse and that she will lose any sense of trust she has in the relationship.

[Margaret in GA]

I'm thinking we would be signing up for some volunteer service at the nearest crises pregnancy center. Let her meet some folks who are facing the consequences of sexual relationships before they were ready for them.

 

Also, I'm not sure I'd completely forbid her from seeing the guy. I'd perhaps start doing things with that family and make our family gatherings their only time of togetherness. See if the bloom comes off the rose after that, or whether it really is true love.

 

There are two things I'd hone in on so I could avoid her feeling judged or her privacy invaded:

 

The truth can withstand scrutiny. And if you have to keep a relationship a secret, that's a clue that maybe you shouldn't be it.

 

I am purposely not addressing your religious/moral standards and speaking to her in light of your beliefs. It is my *personal* belief that that will come as a follow up. I have always presented my kids with the truth gently after they stray from it, that it may be a sweet motivator rather than a rod. I trust you will use your best judgement in that area.

 

I would also talk to the leaders of your church youth group/Sunday school teacher. I'd ask them to just be sure these two are always accounted for during youth activities. Or become involved in that leadership yourself.

 

FWIW, I agree with the poster who said she'd likely handle things differently with a younger teen. I would not want to risk alienating one who may be ready to bolt.

 

Thanks--seems like good advice. The youth group was at another church and now I see how dumb that was of me. She had been invited by a good friend of hers and it seemed like a great 'socialization' tool. :glare:

[Margaret in GA]

I think it was an intrusion of privacy, one that would be understandable with a 14 or 15 year old, but not really acceptable for someone who is almost a legal adult. While I think a parent's right to protect a child's safety overrides the child's right to privacy under many circumstances, I don't think that was the case here. You didn't suspect bad behavior. By your own admission, you started off by just looking at the last number. Once the phone was in hand, you snooped, you found out something you didn't want to find out. S

 

I hope you understand this could potentially drive a wedge between you and punishing her for what you found will drive a bigger one, possibly even drive her away. Forbidding contact w/ the boy(s) in question will just guarantee she'll fight harder to find a way to see them. My recommendation is to confess that you went into her phone and were upset by what you found. Voice your concern(s) and leave it open to her response. She will be upset and angry with you and it seems to me like she has a right to be. If you punish her now, you are pretty much ensuring she will sneak more and worse and that she will lose any sense of trust she has in the relationship.

 

yeah, it was an invasion and I really am sorry in many ways that it happened. The problem is it isn't her boyfriend she's messing around with.

Taking deep breath...

According to what I read she lost her virginity two months ago to her then boyfriend. They broke it off soon thereafter. She then had a one night stand with a 'good' boy from school. And now the best friend of her ex-boyfriend is sexting with her. They have no real relationship and I'm not afraid to forbid her seeing him because honestly I believe she got into this way over her head and probably wants a way out.

All this from a girl that is beautiful, talented, loved, from a stable home... from 0-60, just like that. :(

[Margaret in GA]

I accidentally found incredibly inappropriate things on my ds's phone when he was about 17. I was incredibly hurt (yes, it's all about me :) ). I had to confront him about them. I told him that what I found was completely unacceptable. I canceled his texting service.

 

He wasn't happy, but neither was I. I was even mad that I had PAID for that.

 

Now, his stance is that his sisters should NEVER be allowed to text. Never.

I am afraid of what I didn't catch on his texts because of how adamant he is about his sisters not being allowed. I won't even say anything about what he thinks of FB.

 

Even though I work in the tech industry, I think the social-technology has evolved to a point that I don't understand it or its influence on our kids.

 

I am sorry for what you are going through. My advice is to be honest with your dd. You found out by accident not by snooping, but now that you know, you need to deal with the information you have. She's going to feel betrayed. This is a good opportunity to evaluate your rules and make sure they are age-appropriate and to make way for some more mature conversations with her.

Thank you so much for your story. And for your advice.

[Sophia]

They have no real relationship and I'm not afraid to forbid her seeing him because honestly I believe she got into this way over her head and probably wants a way out.

All this from a girl that is beautiful, talented, loved, from a stable home... from 0-60, just like that. :(

 

You know your girl better than anyone~if you believe this, give her that way out and take away the texting.

 

:grouphug:

Teens, raging hormones, lack of perspective and life experience...Margaret, most teens will go from 0-60 just like that.

That's why they need us.

[smrtmama]

yeah, it was an invasion and I really am sorry in many ways that it happened. The problem is it isn't her boyfriend she's messing around with.

Taking deep breath...

According to what I read she lost her virginity two months ago to her then boyfriend. They broke it off soon thereafter. She then had a one night stand with a 'good' boy from school. And now the best friend of her ex-boyfriend is sexting with her. They have no real relationship and I'm not afraid to forbid her seeing him because honestly I believe she got into this way over her head and probably wants a way out.

All this from a girl that is beautiful, talented, loved, from a stable home... from 0-60, just like that. :(

 

The sexting may be an esteem thing. She's likely to feel pretty hurt that she had sex with her boyfriend and then the relationship ended. The one night stand was possibly a response to that. She may be looking for affirmation that she is still desirable, especially if she's ever gotten the message that having sex prior to marriage makes someone less appealing (I have seen that message in some materials; not sure what she's being exposed to at her friend's church), and is looking for confirmation that she hasn't lost that attractiveness.

 

I think talking to her and acknowledging her right to be hurt/offended, but your right as a parent to be concerned/fearful, is probably the way to go. Instead of presenting it as "you've done this wrong thing," maybe try presenting it as "I worry about the ramifications of what's going on."

 

I agree that texting isn't a right and you can certainly cancel the texting or require her to pay for it if she's using it inappropriately, but I'd recommend being careful to couch it in terms of her assuming adult responsibilities (paying for the phone) if she's going to be taking adult actions (sex), rather than punishment.

[Kim in Appalachia]

My oldest is 16. We have not dealt with this yet, so I'm going on what I plan (think) I'll do.

 

I would fess up to your dd that you read her texts. Yes, she will be mad and hurt, but I think at this age it's important to be open and honest. You are setting the tone and hoping she will follow. I would also go on to say that texts/email/fb are not really private. I don't just mean that you should/do have access but others do have access. What she types can be forwarded and posted anywhere. She should be aware of this. She might think she can trust her friends, but what about the siblings of her friends (when they find it)? There is no such thing as privacy in this age, so she needs to be careful and more guarded.

 

Next I would have a frank talk about what you read. She is almost 18, make sure she is aware of what could happen. If you know any real life examples, all the better (I have plenty in my extended family :glare:). You need to talk, and talk, and talk. I would stress that it is her life. She needs to be responsible for it. Talk about her goals/dreams. Remind her what it will take to get there.

 

Since she has repeatedly abused her phone privileges (being on it too late), I would take her phone and not give it back. Maybe give her a NET 10 type phone with limited minutes for emergencies. If she wants a phone, she should get a job and pay for it. Then it's her business.

 

As for her friend's parents, I would talk to them. I would simply say that I found out things on my dd phone and they need to have some talks with their child. I think we all are in shock when these bombs hit. It would be nice for a little help from others. :001_smile:

 

And I would try hard (and it would be hard) not to turn this all into a fight. If my dd started crying or getting upset I would say that I'll come back when she is calm and can discuss it like a mature person and then walk away (and I would try hard not to be snarky). Fighting will get you nowhere.

[MariannNOVA]

yeah, it was an invasion and I really am sorry in many ways that it happened. The problem is it isn't her boyfriend she's messing around with.

Taking deep breath...

According to what I read she lost her virginity two months ago to her then boyfriend. They broke it off soon thereafter. She then had a one night stand with a 'good' boy from school. And now the best friend of her ex-boyfriend is sexting with her. They have no real relationship and I'm not afraid to forbid her seeing him because honestly I believe she got into this way over her head and probably wants a way out.

All this from a girl that is beautiful, talented, loved, from a stable home... from 0-60, just like that. :(

 

 

Dear Margaret: PLEASE do not be beating yourself up about this. As Sophia says below --it happens -- it happened 50 years ago, it happened 25 years ago, it always has happened and it always will. PLEASE cut yourself some slack. :grouphug: As for the part in bold -- I could tell you stories that would curl our hair! Beautiful, talented, loved and from a stable home will win out for you.:grouphug: I'm not saying that you do not have to take decisive action - of course you do. But, do not beat yourself up about this. Just do what you have to do.

 

 

You know your girl better than anyone~if you believe this, give her that way out and take away the texting.

 

:grouphug:

Teens, raging hormones, lack of perspective and life experience...Margaret, most teens will go from 0-60 just like that.

That's why they need us.

 

Sophia has given you wise advice -- :grouphug:

Edited November 11, 2010 by MariannNOVA

[Mejane]

According to what I read she lost her virginity two months ago to her then boyfriend. They broke it off soon thereafter. She then had a one night stand with a 'good' boy from school. And now the best friend of her ex-boyfriend is sexting with her. They have no real relationship and I'm not afraid to forbid her seeing him because honestly I believe she got into this way over her head and probably wants a way out.

All this from a girl that is beautiful, talented, loved, from a stable home... from 0-60, just like that. :(

 

The texting and late night phone calls are not the problem, merely a symptom. You need to be having lots of conversations about why your daughter feels the need to give herself away. Raging hormones or no, there is usually an element of low self-esteem in girls who have multiple sexual partners early. Maybe she thinks it will help her fit in. You will only discover her reasons by having (many) frank, non-judgemental discussions with her. Then you will need to swallow your distaste and make sure she is protected from things like pregnancy and STDs.

 

Don't think I don't feel for you. My daughter will be 18 in a few months. We talk about boys and sex on practically a daily basis.

[justamouse]

If she is sexually active then this is not the case. She and her young man may start out at these places but they probably aren't staying there.

 

How soon until she is 18?

 

You cannot turn back the clock. What's done is done. I wonder about the two week grounding for being on the phone late. It isn't me, not my kid, but I do think that is a bit harsh. At 17 I would think you would be working your way to letting go. Not micromanaging so much. IMHO 17 is the year to make mistakes while still in the safety net of the family.

 

It probably goes against your instincts, but you cannot discipline this away.

 

You need to talk to her. Not in an accusatory way. Not I-know-what-you-are-doing-and-it-is-wrong. More of a while -I-still-do-not-approve,-I'm-here-if-you-need-anything. Make sure she knows about safe sex, offer getting her birth control, find out if she and her young man are talking about marriage.

 

And if you look at the phone as being a privilege instead of a tool, you might consider letting her get a job to pay for her own privilege. She might not have so much time to follow through with those texts.

 

ETA: I'd also let her know that since you accidentally found the texts, she should consider what it would mean if her younger siblings found the texts just as accidentally. Part of being an adult is being a role model for those younger than she.

 

:iagree:

 

I think it was an intrusion of privacy, one that would be understandable with a 14 or 15 year old, but not really acceptable for someone who is almost a legal adult. While I think a parent's right to protect a child's safety overrides the child's right to privacy under many circumstances, I don't think that was the case here. You didn't suspect bad behavior (beyond being on the phone past the allowed time). By your own admission, you started off by just looking at the last number. Once the phone was in hand, you snooped, you found out something you didn't want to find out.

 

I hope you understand this could potentially drive a wedge between you and punishing her for what you found will drive a bigger one, possibly even drive her away. Forbidding contact w/ the boy(s) in question will just guarantee she'll fight harder to find a way to see them. My recommendation is to confess that you went into her phone and were upset by what you found. Voice your concern(s) and leave it open to her response. She will be upset and angry with you and it seems to me like she has a right to be. If you punish her now, you are pretty much ensuring she will sneak more and worse and that she will lose any sense of trust she has in the relationship.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Trust is a two way street.

 

yeah, it was an invasion and I really am sorry in many ways that it happened. The problem is it isn't her boyfriend she's messing around with.

Taking deep breath...

According to what I read she lost her virginity two months ago to her then boyfriend. They broke it off soon thereafter. She then had a one night stand with a 'good' boy from school. And now the best friend of her ex-boyfriend is sexting with her. They have no real relationship and I'm not afraid to forbid her seeing him because honestly I believe she got into this way over her head and probably wants a way out.

All this from a girl that is beautiful, talented, loved, from a stable home... from 0-60, just like that. :(

 

Girls that age have wants and desires just like women-their bodies are telling them they are women. Respect that.

 

And, this is just me, but I've told my daughter that her hand can never get her pregnant. You know? If she and her bf get wound up, she doesn't HAVE to sleep with him if she isn't ready-she has another way to relieve herself. Frank talk, but she's almost 18 and she should know.

 

As far as the virginity-it's a done thing. That was the choice she made, and I agree with smrtmomma, the "You've done thing horrible thing and guilt, condemnation fire and brimstone" won't work. Love is much more powerful than anger.

 

Hang in there. It's really NOT the end of the world, and, you can strengthen your relationship if you make it through this storm well. But that is up to you and how you play your hand.

[justamouse]

The texting and late night phone calls are not the problem, merely a symptom. You need to be having lots of conversations about why your daughter feels the need to give herself away. Raging hormones or no, there is usually an element of low self-esteem in girls who have multiple sexual partners early. Maybe she thinks it will help her fit in. You will only discover her reasons by having (many) frank, non-judgemental discussions with her. Then you will need to swallow your distaste and make sure she is protected from things like pregnancy and STDs.

 

Don't think I don't feel for you. My daughter will be 18 in a few months. We talk about boys and sex on practically a daily basis.

 

Yup. :iagree:

[Margaret in GA]

The texting and late night phone calls are not the problem, merely a symptom. You need to be having lots of conversations about why your daughter feels the need to give herself away. Raging hormones or no, there is usually an element of low self-esteem in girls who have multiple sexual partners early. Maybe she thinks it will help her fit in. You will only discover her reasons by having (many) frank, non-judgemental discussions with her. Then you will need to swallow your distaste and make sure she is protected from things like pregnancy and STDs.

 

Don't think I don't feel for you. My daughter will be 18 in a few months. We talk about boys and sex on practically a daily basis.

 

Agreed. I had mistakenly thought that she'd turned the corner self-esteem wise. Her Christian School is such a good fit for her now, but honestly after being homeschooled she really had some tough times figuring out how to fit in. Now she's yearbook editor, in chorus, etc. But I think deep down (or may be not so deep) she's got some issues. Whether I come clean or not about invading her privacy, we need to have a series of frank discussions. Of course, I thought we were, but now that I'm caught up to speed I think those conversations can be a bit more tailored.

-M

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

When my dd was younger than yours (which makes a difference), I accidentally discovered something similar. I was shocked. Stunned.

 

I was partly shocked and stunned because of the nature of the discovery. No one wants to see their little girl in that light. I was partly shocked and stunned because I had promised to always trust her unless she gave me reason not to, and to discover that the dd I had trusted had been lying to us was....crushing. I still get teary when I think of it.

 

I would encourage you to tell her what you know and why. For a lot of reasons, but mainly because you do know and to pretend otherwise isn't honest, and also to make sure that you can have an honest conversation about pregnancy and STD protection and relationships.

 

I sat down with my dd, and it was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had in my life. I was really honest about the initial discovery (accidental) and why I continued to read, and what it felt like for me as a parent to know that she'd been purposefully and planfully lying to us. I talked to her very openly about sex and where her behaviors were leading, about protection and responsibility, about trust. It was difficult to see her so embarrassed and ashamed and feeling so exposed. We talked about that too, that those feelings were normal, and so was feeling angry and violated, but that given the alternatives of staying silent or talking to her about it, I felt we must talk. And on and on....you know, I am sure, just how much there is to say. We probably talked for two hours the first time. Over the next several weeks, we talked and we talked and we talked.

 

Over and over again, I told her "I love you. I want what is good for you. I don't want to embarrass you. My purpose is to protect you because I love you. We are going to get through this having learned a lot. Let's keep talking even when we're angry. I love you."

 

I made a regular coffee date with my dd. Some days we talked about boundaries and her relationship and trust. Some days we talked about books or her art or school. I made staying connected a priority because I wanted to make sure that our relationship didn't revolve around our discovery.

 

In my memory, it feels like a storm. BUT, we got through it. And we all still love one another, and can talk openly to one another. We didn't lose our daughter.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think the kinds of boundaries you set and the consequences you impose (for being on the phone late, for example) are so dependent on your dd and your relationship with her and your family culture and her readiness for independence that you're going to have to muddle through. Pray for guidance, and take the advice that resonates with you and feels most right.

 

As for the friend...I don't know. That's so hard. What would you expect if the shoe was on the other foot?

 

One more :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Wheres Toto]

I agree that it may be a self-esteem issue. She's trying to get confirmation that she's still attractive to others. I went through a phase of this when I was younger.

 

As our kids get older it can be hard to accept that they will start making their own decisions about things, often ones we don't agree with. IMO, it's best to do whatever it takes to keep the lines of communication open, make sure you're there for her and do what you can to make sure she's as safe as possible regardless of the decisions she is making.

 

You seemed unsure whether your daughter would use cond*ms? Have you talked to her about safe sex in the past? Does she understand (in graphic detail if necessary) the risks involved?

 

:grouphug: The teenage years are rough.

[Rhonda in TX]

If she is sexually active then this is not the case. She and her young man may start out at these places but they probably aren't staying there.

 

 

This is not necessarily true. I was leaving a movie once and we walked by one of those family bathrooms. As we did, a teenage boy and girl walked out. The boy had a goofy grin on his face. Ick.

[Margaret in GA]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

When my dd was younger than yours (which makes a difference), I accidentally discovered something similar. I was shocked. Stunned.

 

I was partly shocked and stunned because of the nature of the discovery. No one wants to see their little girl in that light. I was partly shocked and stunned because I had promised to always trust her unless she gave me reason not to, and to discover that the dd I had trusted had been lying to us was....crushing. I still get teary when I think of it.

 

I would encourage you to tell her what you know and why. For a lot of reasons, but mainly because you do know and to pretend otherwise isn't honest, and also to make sure that you can have an honest conversation about pregnancy and STD protection and relationships.

 

I sat down with my dd, and it was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had in my life. I was really honest about the initial discovery (accidental) and why I continued to read, and what it felt like for me as a parent to know that she'd been purposefully and planfully lying to us. I talked to her very openly about sex and where her behaviors were leading, about protection and responsibility, about trust. It was difficult to see her so embarrassed and ashamed and feeling so exposed. We talked about that too, that those feelings were normal, and so was feeling angry and violated, but that given the alternatives of staying silent or talking to her about it, I felt we must talk. And on and on....you know, I am sure, just how much there is to say. We probably talked for two hours the first time. Over the next several weeks, we talked and we talked and we talked.

 

Over and over again, I told her "I love you. I want what is good for you. I don't want to embarrass you. My purpose is to protect you because I love you. We are going to get through this having learned a lot. Let's keep talking even when we're angry. I love you."

 

I made a regular coffee date with my dd. Some days we talked about boundaries and her relationship and trust. Some days we talked about books or her art or school. I made staying connected a priority because I wanted to make sure that our relationship didn't revolve around our discovery.

 

In my memory, it feels like a storm. BUT, we got through it. And we all still love one another, and can talk openly to one another. We didn't lose our daughter.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think the kinds of boundaries you set and the consequences you impose (for being on the phone late, for example) are so dependent on your dd and your relationship with her and your family culture and her readiness for independence that you're going to have to muddle through. Pray for guidance, and take the advice that resonates with you and feels most right.

 

As for the friend...I don't know. That's so hard. What would you expect if the shoe was on the other foot?

 

One more :grouphug:

 

Cat

 

Thank you so much for sharing. And for the hugs. It really does make me feel better.

 

Regarding the other friend: I would want to know. I am pretty sure this mom would want to know. I have reservations because it may cause a huge rift in all our relationships. Being honest, it would also cause a rift if they knew I knew and didn't tell them. I am very hesitant because once I told a dear friend that his girlfriend (also a dear friend) had cheated on him and things were never the same again between any of us. Everyone blamed me somehow. I really can't win here and the question is, does the hive mind want their dd's best friend's mom to tell them or keep it to herself??

-M

[laughing lioness]

When my dd was younger than yours (which makes a difference), I accidentally discovered something similar. I was shocked. Stunned.

 

I was partly shocked and stunned because of the nature of the discovery. No one wants to see their little girl in that light. I was partly shocked and stunned because I had promised to always trust her unless she gave me reason not to, and to discover that the dd I had trusted had been lying to us was....crushing. I still get teary when I think of it.

 

I would encourage you to tell her what you know and why. For a lot of reasons, but mainly because you do know and to pretend otherwise isn't honest, and also to make sure that you can have an honest conversation about pregnancy and STD protection and relationships.

 

I sat down with my dd, and it was one of the hardest conversations I've ever had in my life. I was really honest about the initial discovery (accidental) and why I continued to read, and what it felt like for me as a parent to know that she'd been purposefully and planfully lying to us. I talked to her very openly about sex and where her behaviors were leading, about protection and responsibility, about trust. It was difficult to see her so embarrassed and ashamed and feeling so exposed. We talked about that too, that those feelings were normal, and so was feeling angry and violated, but that given the alternatives of staying silent or talking to her about it, I felt we must talk. And on and on....you know, I am sure, just how much there is to say. We probably talked for two hours the first time. Over the next several weeks, we talked and we talked and we talked.

 

Over and over again, I told her "I love you. I want what is good for you. I don't want to embarrass you. My purpose is to protect you because I love you. We are going to get through this having learned a lot. Let's keep talking even when we're angry. I love you."

 

I made a regular coffee date with my dd. Some days we talked about boundaries and her relationship and trust. Some days we talked about books or her art or school. I made staying connected a priority because I wanted to make sure that our relationship didn't revolve around our discovery.

 

In my memory, it feels like a storm. BUT, we got through it. And we all still love one another, and can talk openly to one another. We didn't lose our daughter.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

I think the kinds of boundaries you set and the consequences you impose (for being on the phone late, for example) are so dependent on your dd and your relationship with her and your family culture and her readiness for independence that you're going to have to muddle through. Pray for guidance, and take the advice that resonates with you and feels most right.

 

As for the friend...I don't know. That's so hard. What would you expect if the shoe was on the other foot?

 

One more

Cat

:iagree:Oftentimes in therapy, the job of the therapist is to make the covert overt. Secrets are not healthy.

I'm praying for you!:grouphug:

[Tutor]

Thank you so much for sharing. And for the hugs. It really does make me feel better.

 

Regarding the other friend: I would want to know. I am pretty sure this mom would want to know. I have reservations because it may cause a huge rift in all our relationships. Being honest, it would also cause a rift if they knew I knew and didn't tell them. I am very hesitant because once I told a dear friend that his girlfriend (also a dear friend) had cheated on him and things were never the same again between any of us. Everyone blamed me somehow. I really can't win here and the question is, does the hive mind want their dd's best friend's mom to tell them or keep it to herself??

-M

 

Cat gave you some great advice. As to the friend, is there any way you could talk to the friend directly and give her a chance to talk to her parents? Let her know what you know and that as a mother you need to tell her own mother what you know. (This is not up for debate, btw. Let her know you are going to make sure her mother is aware of what is going on but that you are allowing the friend to have some some say in how it is done.) Then give her the option of talking to her mother herself (letting her know that you will call the mother afterward for mutual encouragement as mothers), talking to her mother with you and your own dd present, or of you going and talking to the mother yourself. I think this is the best way to show respect to both the friend and the friend's mother while getting all information where it needs to be so that each family can handle everything as they wish.

[AuntieM]

I would want to know. But I would appreciate it coming from a humble friend, saying, we are as shocked as you, in the same place as you, and love both our dd and your dd and want to work together to protect them both. That's much different than just being someone who tattles on their kid. You are in a position to share info that will help them protect their dd. My only reason for not sharing what you know would be if these parents were sure to respond very badly, as in beating her for punishment. That doesn't sound like the case you are in.

 

I wonder if, in addition to thoroughly communicating with your own dd, if a foursome coffee group might work from time to time? Sort of a girls club where all feel free to discuss sensitive issues and get feedback from others? Maybe in time, a bit down the road, something like this would be helpful.

[myfunnybunch]

dd's best friend's mom to tell them or keep it to herself??

-M

 

*I* would want to know. I would thank you for telling me.

 

The girls will blame you. I don't think there's any way around that. I do think, however, that there is a future value for them to hear you say now (lovingly and gently), "I had a difficult choice to make. I prayed and I made what I felt it was the most right choice. I stand by my choice even though you're angry."

 

Someday they will be mothers. Not only are you parenting your child right now, you're modeling for that future mom how to handle a challenging situation with love and integrity and respect.

 

Cat

Edited November 11, 2010 by myfunnybunch

[GinaPagnato]

I'm an advocate of "snoopervision". Our teens are still too immature to navigate their way through messes they make, especially of a sexual nature. A wonderful book about this is "Hooked", which describes the neuro-chemical bonds that are created in the brain when sexual activity occurs, particularly with teens. Their frontal lobe isn't fully developed, and they lack the ability to forecast consequences of risky behavior.

 

I would absolutely tell her what you and her father read. If there was nothing wrong with it, then she has nothing to be ashamed of, right? On the other hand, her shock and humiliation is a result of her wrong choices, and maybe she needs to feel that, while at the same time receiving great amounts of love from you both.

 

I guess I can't imagine not letting my teen know that I found out something of this magnitude. You're the parent, given to have authority and guide your daughter. If you approach this with love, and a sincere desire to help her, she may be upset that you found out, but it will probably end there. There is something going on here with her that is SIGNIFICANTLY more important than the fact that you found out this information.

[Rebecca VA]

Amen, Gina!

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[NanceXToo]

I have to say it:

 

Mostly, I'm just shocked...seriously...that a 17 year old, who is VERY nearly a legal adult, is GROUNDED for TWO WEEKS just because she talked to somebody on the phone at 11:30 PM.

 

That sounds like some serious overkill/micromanaging.

 

And while it's not fun to think about the fact that teens, and especially YOUR teens (general you) have an interest in sex... they do. I was several years younger than your daughter (unfortunately) when I had sex for the first time. (And I was 18 when I gave birth to my oldest daughter).

 

I think it's okay to let a teen in your house know that you will periodically check their emails/texts/etc for their safety, and then to do that now and then, and then to open up a line of communication if you discover something unsettling.

 

But to randomly snoop on a teen you didn't have reason to distrust was kind of asking for trouble.

 

Now that you found stuff... I don't know. I'd talk to her, I guess, and tell the truth, and say I'm sorry I snooped, but this was why, and this was what I found, and this is how I felt about it, and this is what we need to do about it (which might involve birth control, might involve a heart to heart conversation about a combination of morals, safety/health, and privacy issues and so on), might involve some closer monitoring for a while and so on).

 

But "punishment" per se?

 

No.

 

Expecting a teen to be open and honest with you about things like this when they ARE so easily punished, especially in their late teens, for things like talking on the phone past a certain time? Not going to happen.

 

Just my two cents!

 

ETA: And no, I would not tell the parents of the other girl. I would not consider that my business, not at age 17. If she was ANY younger I just might feel differently but 17 on... no, I really don't think I would feel that was my place.

Edited November 11, 2010 by NanceXToo

[Starr]

:grouphug: Well it's nice she's given you a couple of weeks to get used to this. Once you're calmer I would just talk to her. There is the whole texting/FB/privacy issue. Right now it's all over the news of how companies are looking into your online activity before hiring you. And the mental/physical/spiritual health of your daughter. She needs some help getting out of this cycle. It's not your fault. Once she knows she can talk with you and you won't flip out, it might be a big help. About the other parent, I haven't had luck with that. I think I would just concentrate on my own situation. :grouphug:

[goldberry]

The texting and late night phone calls are not the problem, merely a symptom. You need to be having lots of conversations about why your daughter feels the need to give herself away. Raging hormones or no, there is usually an element of low self-esteem in girls who have multiple sexual partners early. Maybe she thinks it will help her fit in. You will only discover her reasons by having (many) frank, non-judgemental discussions with her. Then you will need to swallow your distaste and make sure she is protected from things like pregnancy and STDs.

 

Absolutely agree.

 

I also have trouble with any suggestion that an "invasion of privacy" was a bad thing. I have a dear friend whose 17 year old just got pregnant. Boyfriend is totally non-supportive. The 17 will be living at home, parents will be helping with the baby. So, as far as privacy goes....the fact is that YOUR FAMILY will likely be impacted by this "almost adult"s choices. That trumps the privacy issue IMO.

 

My neice was 18 but still living at home, but my sis knew she was sexually active. I asked my sis "is she on BC". Sis replied, "Its none of my business, she is an adult." Well, FIVE YEARS have gone by, with my sis and her husband sharing their home with niece and her baby. Sis and husband looked forward to having nice times together, enjoying their older years. Not happening. So, it turned out to be not so private a matter after all.

 

Please don't stand back because you think it is none of your business. As long as you love her, and especially as long as she is living in your home, it is your business.

[Parrothead]

Yeah. Well since neither she and the boy drive, they somehow were staying there. I was foolish enough to believe that the youth group was a safe place. And the movie theater. And the mall. How crazy of me.

 

The phone thing sounds harsh, I agree. But, this isn't the first time we've caught her on the phone after she had 'gone to bed'. So, it is actually appropriate in my opinion. But, hey I'm totally open to suggestions because the way I've been parenting needs some adjustment.

-M

Yeah, anywhere that there is a bathroom.

 

Okay, I didn't know it was an ongoing problem. ;) I'll stand by my decision to have her get a job if possible. There isn't much time to get in trouble or stay up late if one is in school and working part time.

[Happy2BaMom]

I don't know, some of these posts sound like they are judging the OP for having conservative values. And 17 is NOT an adult. And lying is still lying. And the consequences of promiscuity are still there, even if "everyone else" is doing it. I understand there will be a range of opinions, but it is not harsh for a mother to expect for her daughter to not lie to her or to sneak around after hours, or to give the daughter consequences for those actions. Or if it is, than I guess we just give them all bc at 13 and call it good.

 

I agree with having the daughter get a job and pay for phone/texting/etc. Other than that, I have no suggestions.

 

I'm dreading the teen years with my daughter. It seems they face impossible odds.

[dancer67]

I have to say it:

 

Mostly, I'm just shocked...seriously...that a 17 year old, who is VERY nearly a legal adult, is GROUNDED for TWO WEEKS just because she talked to somebody on the phone at 11:30 PM.

 

That sounds like some serious overkill/micromanaging.

 

And while it's not fun to think about the fact that teens, and especially YOUR teens (general you) have an interest in sex... they do. I was several years younger than your daughter (unfortunately) when I had sex for the first time. (And I was 18 when I gave birth to my oldest daughter).

 

I think it's okay to let a teen in your house know that you will periodically check their emails/texts/etc for their safety, and then to do that now and then, and then to open up a line of communication if you discover something unsettling.

 

But to randomly snoop on a teen you didn't have reason to distrust was kind of asking for trouble.

 

Now that you found stuff... I don't know. I'd talk to her, I guess, and tell the truth, and say I'm sorry I snooped, but this was why, and this was what I found, and this is how I felt about it, and this is what we need to do about it (which might involve birth control, might involve a heart to heart conversation about a combination of morals, safety/health, and privacy issues and so on), might involve some closer monitoring for a while and so on).

 

But "punishment" per se?

 

No.

 

Expecting a teen to be open and honest with you about things like this when they ARE so easily punished, especially in their late teens, for things like talking on the phone past a certain time? Not going to happen.

 

Just my two cents!

 

ETA: And no, I would not tell the parents of the other girl. I would not consider that my business, not at age 17. If she was ANY younger I just might feel differently but 17 on... no, I really don't think I would feel that was my place.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

 

As a mother of a 17 yo daughter, I would have written this same post as well.

 

I am on my second go around of a teenager. And a third coming up.

 

Going to a parent of a 17 yo to let them know their daughter is se*ually active could really backfire. Most parents, will say you are butting in where you do not belong, and that maybe YOU should pay attention to your OWN daughter.(This happened to me recently, and the mom was totally TICKED off that I even brought it up.). Unless I knew the girl was being abused then I would speak up.

 

I never check my 17 yo daughters phone, unless I fear there is a good reason to. That is not my business. OTOH, we have never made her feel as if she could not come to us and tell us things either. She has been very open about se*, drinking, drugs, etc....

We never yell, nor judge. We offer advice. My daughter even feels comforable talking with my husband. They have a good relationship. I think a father/daughter relationship is extremley important.

 

Grounding your daughter at 17 who is going to be an adult will not accomplish anything but more rebellion, and more sneaking around. And if she is only talking about se*, really what is the issue? Even if she had se*, wouldn't you want her to come to you and tell you, rather then you finding out by snooping around on her phone?

 

Now that you know, I wouldn't say anything to your daughter about it. She is going to be livid, and I honestly cannot blame her. Instead, I would ask her if there was anything she wanted to talk about, or if there are any guys she is interested in. You may not want to hear things, trust me. But the key is to listen, do not judge, offer advice, be there for her no matter what, and always tell her that you will always love her no matter what.

 

My daughter is going to be 18 in a few weeks, and she is a wonderful daughter. Has she told me things that made me want to ring her neck? yes. Or wonder how on earth this child could do such a thing? yes. Or shock the pants off of me? OH YES. I wanted to yell and ground. But that would have accomplished nothing.

 

Some lessons she had to learn the hard way, and has made her a better person for it. You cannot put a young head on old shoulders.

 

:grouphug:

[goldberry]

I never check my 17 yo daughters phone, unless I fear there is a good reason to. That is not my business.

 

Now that you know, I wouldn't say anything to your daughter about it. She is going to be livid, and I honestly cannot blame her.

 

 

See, I don't get this. In line with my previous post, is it going to be your business if your daughter comes home with a new baby to raise? And you end up helping to raise it so your daughter can go to college and maybe still have a life? Is it going to be your business if five years from now you are helping your daughter financially to deal with custody issues regarding a psycho dad she slept with when she was 17?

 

Not being critical to you specifically, I know many parents feel that way. I just really don't get it.

[NanceXToo]

See, I don't get this. In line with my previous post, is it going to be your business if your daughter comes home with a new baby to raise? And you end up helping to raise it so your daughter can go to college and maybe still have a life? Is it going to be your business if five years from now you are helping your daughter financially to deal with custody issues regarding a psycho dad she slept with when she was 17?

 

Not being critical to you specifically, I know many parents feel that way. I just really don't get it.

 

Of course it's going to be any of our business as parents if our teenagers get pregnant. But I'm not really sure what you are saying. Do you think that a teen who wants to be sexually active is going to decide not to be because you read her text messages or emails and say "ah ha, I caught you talking about it!"? Heck no. A teen who wants to have sex is going to have sex. Whether they are secretive about it or open about it is another story. But if they want to have sex, they're having sex.

 

So you can react how...? You can punish them for writing about it in a text or email that you find while snooping (but seriously? I just don't see that going over well or stopping anything except their being open with you). Or you can have an open conversation with them about it and provide birth control etc knowing that they've made their choice. And the alternative is....what...? Grounding them forever? Keeping them locked in the house forever? At 17? At so close to legal adult age? I just can't see reacting that way. If they are SO ridiculously sheltered at 17, what if they decide to go to college or move out at 18 and have all that freedom you never gave them and then what? They're going to go crazy.

 

I am trying to imagine an 18 year old leaving for college or deciding to move in with a friend, who just last year was grounded for WEEKS for a late night PHONE CALL and wondering what type of "freedom" that teen will gorge herself on then now that she's away from Mommy and Daddy, and it's kind of frightening to think about, really!

[Ginevra]

I am very hesitant because once I told a dear friend that his girlfriend (also a dear friend) had cheated on him and things were never the same again between any of us. Everyone blamed me somehow. I really can't win here and the question is, does the hive mind want their dd's best friend's mom to tell them or keep it to herself??

 

I would want this information, and I would most likely give it to another parent if I had it. I do think it can go wrong and you turn into the enemy - I have witnessed that phenomenon before, "shoot the messenger". I have given much less substantial, but still of the same nature, information to other parents and I've prefaced it with, "I hope you don't think this is none of my business; I debated whether you would want to know or not, but *I* would want to know, so..."

 

When I was 12, my sister told me she had sex with her boyfriend. I wanted to tell someone, but I didn't want to betray her confidence. I didn't have to debate about it long, because she got pregnant soon after. :( Sometimes, it's better to say something.

[dm379]

 

I'll stand by my decision to have her get a job if possible. There isn't much time to get in trouble or stay up late if one is in school and working part time.

 

If you go this route, I would highly, highly suggest checking her work schedule! Just remembering some of the things I pulled as a teen..... :tongue_smilie: