The 15 year itch???

[Heather in Neverland]

In the last month or so I have found out about at least 10 different marriages that are ending and they are all around the 15 year mark or so. Some of these are people I never thought would get divorced. Then you turn on the the TV and even "hollywood" marriages that have stood the test of "hollywood time" and made it to around the 15 year point are ending.

 

What is it about the 15 year-ish point that makes people decide now is the time to get a divorce? My dh and I celebrate 14 years this year and to be honest, it HAS been one of the tougher years of our marriage as well...nothing divorce-worthy...just surprising as you would think we would have worked out all our issues by now.

 

So what do you think? What is it about the 15 year mark?

[Nakia]

I have noticed that too, Heather. It has happened with several of our friends. Sometimes I think when people get married really young, they get to be in their mid to late 30's and then decide they missed out on something when they were younger, so they leave their marriage. Sadly, a lot of times there is cheating involved. We just hit the 12 year mark, and it's been a really hard year for us. Here's hoping our hard year is done, and we sail on through the rest. :001_smile:

[JaniceO]

My parents divorced around the 15 year mark and so did my DH's parents. We hit 15 years in January and I'm proud to say things couldn't be better (well, we are adjusting to DH's new work schedule; it's hard, but I know it won't last forever so that helps). The way I see it, our first 5 years were extremely difficult, so we deserve to have it relatively easy now, lol.

[Starr]

I have noticed that too, Heather. It has happened with several of our friends. Sometimes I think when people get married really young, they get to be in their mid to late 30's and then decide they missed out on something when they were younger, so they leave their marriage. Sadly, a lot of times there is cheating involved. We just hit the 12 year mark, and it's been a really hard year for us. Here's hoping our hard year is done, and we sail on through the rest. :001_smile:

 

We weren't married until our 30s. I can't tell you how many people I've reassured that those 10 years were wasted and they didn't miss anything!

[Nakia]

We weren't married until our 30s. I can't tell you how many people I've reassured that those 10 years were wasted and they didn't miss anything!

 

I was only 20 when we got married. I don't feel like I missed a thing. I have a lot of 20 something friends, and I sure don't look at their life and wish I was their age again. No way would I want to date again!

[KidsHappen]

My hubby and I went through a really difficult time from years 13-17 so a total of about 4 years. We never considered divorce because we still love each other very much and we have made a commitment to stay together through almost anything. Infidelity would have been a deal breaker for him whereas drug or alcohol abuse, serious gambling or any form of domestic abuse would have been deal breakers for me. Since we weren't dealing with any of those issues, divorce was never even a consideration. But honestly, those years were incredibly hard and I had no idea what things would look like we when came out the other side. We were extremely blessed in that it has went very well indeed. I love him more today than I did the day I married him. We will celebrate our 20th in Dec. I feel confident about the future but I certainly don't take anything for granted. We won't be empty nesters for another 7 years and by then we will be well into senior citizen territory. I would hope that by that point we wouldn't have to worry anymore and could rest secure in the fact that we would spend the rest of our lives together which if my family history is any indication would be another 3-5 years.

Edited October 28, 2010 by KidsHappen

[sbgrace]

We'll be married 15 years in December. This has been an incredibly hard year for our marriage. Neither of us would consider divorce barring something that would be entirely out of character for either of us. However, it's been really tough. That said, the causes have been major family and personal stress (financial and health primarily) and so I don't think it has anything to do with the number of years we've been married nor our ages/midlife etc.

Edited October 28, 2010 by sbgrace

[IsabelC]

We celebrated 14 years this year and it hasn't exactly been the most romantic year for us, for lots of reasons. I think it's just the stage we're at, with the kids being young and us trying to homeschool and grow our family business, plus a few health issues. (Divorce isn't an option for us.)

[Dayle in Guatemala]

I agree it's been weird for us too. Last night dh and I were talking about how in the last month (not kidding) 4 couples we know well have filed for divorce and 2 divorces were finalized (besides the 4 that filed). There is also at least 2 more who are seriously struggling--either separated or planning on being separated. All of them have been married between 12-17 years. It's sad.

 

We will be celebrating our 18th year of marriage in May and I can truly say, it's been struggle! Divorce never entered the conversation (although, if I'm going to be honest, in really tough times over the past year, I've thought briefly about it!). What we've been dealing with just isn't a deal breaker. And it's really nothing I can put my finger on, just basic couple stuff--nothing real serious.

[angela in ohio]

I wonder if it has to do with the ages of children? By fifteen years, you often have several kiddos old enough to be going in different directions, old enough to start really taking hard work, old enough to cost more money.

 

We are almost to 15 years. This has been a great year, but probably because we had some outside pressures that made us draw really close to each other. We started out young, poor, and struggling, so I like to think that we already did our hard times. Years 1 and 2 were crazy hard, and then we had a period of about a year (about year 8 or so) that really made us figure it out and decide if this was a go or not, not whether we would divorce or not, but whether we would be close and happy -- or distant and just getting through. Since then, things have been pretty easy.

 

You do get that, "wow, this is it, this is my life" feeling about this far into marriage and kiddos. :D I can see how that would make some people run screaming for a change.

[choirfarm]

Well, many people waited to marry and have kids like us. So. if you marry at 22 to 24 and then wait 3 to 5 years to have children, then after 15 years you are in your 40's. Your parents health starts to fail. ( For us grandpareents lived with us, then my father, my fil was in and out of intensive care..) My dh had a career shift and changed partners. And you are raising kids.. That is just stressful. We have a great marraige and just celebrated 20 years with a trip, but 5 years ago is when my dad fell and came to live with us. It was a tough time.

 

Christine

[Mom in High Heels]

 

3--What were we THINKING?????

7--This is not going to work out. I thought things would change but they haven't. The person I married isn't going to ever be any different and I can't stand it.

13-15--Typical mid-life crisis timeframe--"Is this all there is?" --that question being about the whole of life, not just the marriage in particular.

 

 

Wow, that pretty much sums us up! We've been married 15 years (this past March). I can clearly remember the "What were we thinking???" phase in year 3. Year 7 was a "realization" year but I was also pregnant with Indy, so I was a bit hormonal. :D Years 13-15 were stressful for many reason: jobs in separate states, money issues, promotions, moving trans-Atlantic (again). By our 15th though, things had settled down. Of course now I'm pregnant again, so I might be crazy hormonal the rest of year 15. We'll see. :001_huh:

 

The other night we were watching a program on TV (I can't remember what) and James Bond and I both made the exact same sarcastic comment at the same time. We laughed and he said "This is one of the reasons we stay together. You get me." He's kind of right. After this long, we do get each other. We have inside jokes that we've shared for years that no one else would understand. We have a long history and know each other. He knows my ticks and I know his. He knows what drives me nuts (yet does them anyway) and I know what drives him nuts. To start that over with someone else is too exhausting to think about.

 

BTW, my parents were married for 26 years and got divorced. I still shake my head when I think about it. They're both remarried though and happy, so whatever.

[The Girls' Mom]

The 15th year was almost disasterous for us. We were even separated for a while. For us it was a combination of things...but we made it through and our marriage is stronger than ever now.

[hana]

Years 18 and 19 were definitely our hardest. For me, I do think it was a middle-age thing.

[Heather in Neverland]

WOW...so I guess the 15-ish year mark is pretty stressful for a lot of people and I am NOT just imagining it!

 

Year 3 was hard for us too. I don't remember year 7 being all that significant but year 9 was a doozy.

 

And my parents divorced after 28 years of marriage. Go figure.

[cathmom]

I have not noticed this, but I don't necessarily know how long people have been married. I do know that several moms in my Mother of Multiples club have separated recently, but having multiples comes with a LOT of stress in itself.

 

My dh and I have been together for 20 years and just celebrated our 16th wedding anniversary. Our hardest year was when the twins were born, which was Year 11. We had a lot of other stress going on (job loss, financial worries, my sister's dh dying, etc) and we weren't getting any real sleep (me especially - some nights I would be up feeding the babies and before I could get back to sleep one of them would wake up for the next feeding and the whole circus would begin again!) Since the newborn twin phase, everything has been fine, although we still have stress of course. But I didn't notice any special Year 15 issues.

[Pretty in Pink]

We are coming up on our 8th anniversary and this past year has been hard for me. I don't know how my dh feels because I don't have the guts to ask him... :glare: It's not like I want to leave, it's just...something. IDK.

[Brigitte]

We had our 15th anniversary this year and it has been our worst year, that is for certain.

[smrtmama]

I think it's less about 15 years and more about the age most people are when they hit that mark. As my mom puts it, the older you get, the less likely you are to put up with someone's crap.

[Impish]

Dr. Gottman (marriage expert) wrote about this. There are a few crisis point years--3, 7, 13, 25...each with a set of specific issues that make or break the marriage. Let's see if I can remember:

 

3--What were we THINKING?????

7--This is not going to work out. I thought things would change but they haven't. The person I married isn't going to ever be any different and I can't stand it.

13-15--Typical mid-life crisis timeframe--"Is this all there is?" --that question being about the whole of life, not just the marriage in particular.

25--Done raised the kids, stayed together for them, but it's been over for a long time (at least for one person). Time for "Life, part 2."

 

I'm remember this from ONE seminar I took many years ago, so it is probably wrong at some level, but I think this is at least something like what he talks about.

Well, we've had a tough road the first year, then last year was really hard, year 6.

 

For us, its been financial issues, and then my health issues. We also married 'late'. He was 35, I was 29. I think that brought positive and negative along for the ride too. We'd lived on our own for a long time, adjusting to a spouse was probably more difficult than if we'd only lived on our own for a few years...but at the same time, we knew what we wanted very clearly because we'd been on our own.

 

I'm not taking any of my marriage for granted.

[Tammy]

after all.....everyone changes...circumstances change....etc.

[scrappyhappymama]

Year 13 and 14 were by far our worst years. We're in our 19th year now, and while we still have our times, things are much better than they were. I know we're not completely out of the woods though. I think the chart posted earlier is pretty telling. We know several families who have succumbed to the "after the kids are grown" divorce, including my in-laws.

 

However, we waited 10 years to start our family, so we won't have an empty nest for at least 20 more years. I figure by the time we do, we'll be too old to care. :lol:

[LG Gone Wild]

Dr. Gottman (marriage expert) wrote about this. There are a few crisis point years--3, 7, 13, 25...each with a set of specific issues that make or break the marriage. Let's see if I can remember:

 

3--What were we THINKING?????

7--This is not going to work out. I thought things would change but they haven't. The person I married isn't going to ever be any different and I can't stand it.

13-15--Typical mid-life crisis timeframe--"Is this all there is?" --that question being about the whole of life, not just the marriage in particular.

25--Done raised the kids, stayed together for them, but it's been over for a long time (at least for one person). Time for "Life, part 2."

 

I'm remember this from ONE seminar I took many years ago, so it is probably wrong at some level, but I think this is at least something like what he talks about.

 

That's quite astute. Our marriage hasn't been particularly hard...maybe part of year 1 and a separate part in year 2.

 

HOWEVER, we are in year 12 and there certainly has been a change. In me mostly. I am definitely feeling the "Is this all there is?" sentiment. I realized that I am just not done having adventures. So I am working that angle through athletics rather than a b**b job, a boy toy, skydiving, or a new car! Being without deep friendship has me longing for the days of my youth when I had a gang to do crazy stuff with.

 

It reminds of running. The hardest part of a run is the middle. The adrenaline of the beginning is gone and the exhiliration (sp?) of the finish line is nowhere in sight. The solution is usually to inhale deeply and relax the mind and keeping moving forward.

[Mom in High Heels]

As my mom puts it, the older you get, the less likely you are to put up with someone's crap.

 

Your mom is a GENIUS! I {heart} her big time.

[justamouse]

we had some bumps at 15, but now we're in such a sweet spot-kids are getting older, stresses are less, we're happier. But 7 years? That was a HORRIBLE year for us.

[justamouse]

I think it's less about 15 years and more about the age most people are when they hit that mark. As my mom puts it, the older you get, the less likely you are to put up with someone's crap.

 

that. completely. tell your mom she's THE smrtmama.

[lllll]

..

Edited January 2, 2013 by ksva

[Mejane]

I wonder if it has to do with the ages of children? By fifteen years, you often have several kiddos old enough to be going in different directions, old enough to start really taking hard work, old enough to cost more money.

 

 

 

I wonder about this, too, though I think it's that people think their kids don't need them as much, so they start thinking more about themselves. I know a lot of marriages end when the kids actually leave. The parents hang in just long enough to raise their family, then split.

Edited October 28, 2010 by Mejane

[AuntieM]

nm

Edited October 28, 2010 by AuntieM

[Heather in AL]

Well, many people waited to marry and have kids like us. So. if you marry at 22 to 24 and then wait 3 to 5 years to have children, then after 15 years you are in your 40's. Your parents health starts to fail. ( For us grandpareents lived with us, then my father, my fil was in and out of intensive care..) My dh had a career shift and changed partners. And you are raising kids.. That is just stressful. We have a great marraige and just celebrated 20 years with a trip, but 5 years ago is when my dad fell and came to live with us. It was a tough time.

 

Christine

 

I think it's less about 15 years and more about the age most people are when they hit that mark. As my mom puts it, the older you get, the less likely you are to put up with someone's crap.

 

after all.....everyone changes...circumstances change....etc.

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree: With all of the above.

 

I think the older we get, the more 'things' happen~~ our health, the health of our parents, the health of our siblings, the health of our children, financial stress, retirement thinking/planning, college thinking/planning, costly home or auto repairs, etc, etc.

 

Add in to the above mix what smrtmama's mother said (which is the same thing my mother has said for as far back as I can remember--- even when divorce was still a bad word), and I think it just becomes "too much". Combine that with Tammy's post, and well.... I think that's where a lot of divorce in the 15+ year mark comes from.

[the4Rs]

My parents divorced when I was 15. They'd been married for 17 years.

 

As for us....things aren't always perfect but he is my best friend. Our 3rd year was very rough (pregnant and both of us lost our jobs) and this past year 8-9 hasn't been the rosiest but I also know he just gets me.

 

He said once, "This is why we'll always be together....no one else will put up with me like you do and no one will put up with you like I do." Quite true!!!! haha

[Guest RecumbentHeart]

We're in year 7 and although DH has been trying to make changes for a few years now I only recently reached the point of, "Something HAS to change - we can't go on this way." (Side note, this inspired a book buying spree - that's my solution for everything - and I providentially stumbled upon a treasure - Your LovePath by Joe Beam which we're going through together and would recommend to anyone due to the difference it's made for us already though having a willing partner sure helps).

 

I was surprised to find myself with reason to think there is something to the 'seven year itch' and now a little disheartened to hear about a 15 year itch. I was hoping that just getting through this one would mean we were in the clear but I guess even a little sober thought would have exposed that for what it is. :tongue_smilie:

[kwickimom]

Just hit year 7. I am now at the what was I thinking stage. The 15 year mark isnt looking so bright if he doesnt start to give a rip.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

Two thoughts come to my mind:

 

"I'm sorry to hear that."

 

and

 

"****, you put up a good fight!"

 

FWIW, I haven't met a woman yet who has left her long-term marriage for another man. Most express that they are just plain tired physically and/or mentally and our looking to just take care of themselves.

 

"I'm ready to live the second half of my life for ME."

 

K

(who is not so sure that she won't be singing that tune someday.)

[Aubrey]

I know there's something to certain points in marriage being rough, but wouldn't you guys say that right now the economy isn't making things any easier?

 

Otoh, my parents split at 14 yrs. My youngest sib was old enough to be in PS FT, so mom wouldn't have to pay for child care, & we were all getting old enough that she was beginning to see dad treat us the way he'd treated her. It's one thing to take it when it's aimed at you; it's another thing altogether to watch your kids on the wrong end of...whatever.

[catalinakel]

I am now separated from my husband, as of last May, and this coming August would have been our fifteenth anniversary. But we struggled from our first month, and those struggles kept up all those years. For me, things became increasingly scary, and I had to get myself and my kids out. Simple as that. Sad, but true.

[Audrey]

Dr. Gottman (marriage expert) wrote about this. There are a few crisis point years--3, 7, 13, 25...each with a set of specific issues that make or break the marriage. Let's see if I can remember:

 

3--What were we THINKING?????

7--This is not going to work out. I thought things would change but they haven't. The person I married isn't going to ever be any different and I can't stand it.

13-15--Typical mid-life crisis timeframe--"Is this all there is?" --that question being about the whole of life, not just the marriage in particular.

25--Done raised the kids, stayed together for them, but it's been over for a long time (at least for one person). Time for "Life, part 2."

 

I'm remember this from ONE seminar I took many years ago, so it is probably wrong at some level, but I think this is at least something like what he talks about.

 

 

I'd never heard of those before. The 25 one makes a lot of sense in regard to my sil's divorce a couple of years ago. They've both gone on to new relationships (and lots of travelling). They act like they're 25 again. This was a couple who married at 18 and 19, then had 3 children in the next 4 years, so they never had their youth to themselves.

[Audrey]

I think it's less about 15 years and more about the age most people are when they hit that mark. As my mom puts it, the older you get, the less likely you are to put up with someone's crap.

 

 

True. But I also think that the older you get, the less likely you are to see every little thing as crap, because you realize you pull a lot of crap, too. I am sort of hitting that mindset. I'm realizing that most things aren't a hill worth dying on. I'm a lot more zen than I ever used to be.

[angela in ohio]

True. But I also think that the older you get, the less likely you are to see every little thing as crap, because you realize you pull a lot of crap, too. I am sort of hitting that mindset. I'm realizing that most things aren't a hill worth dying on. I'm a lot more zen than I ever used to be.

 

I've said many times that this is key to a good marriage... When you realize that you aren't all that wonderful all the time, either. :D

[Mrs Mungo]

True. But I also think that the older you get, the less likely you are to see every little thing as crap, because you realize you pull a lot of crap, too. I am sort of hitting that mindset. I'm realizing that most things aren't a hill worth dying on. I'm a lot more zen than I ever used to be.

 

I sort of feel this way too. On the other hand, I have seen marriages where becoming zen was sort of the beginning of the end. It was the beginning of them sort of giving up.

[Jenny in Atl]

True. But I also think that the older you get, the less likely you are to see every little thing as crap, because you realize you pull a lot of crap, too. I am sort of hitting that mindset. I'm realizing that most things aren't a hill worth dying on. I'm a lot more zen than I ever used to be.

 

After 27 years... my better half and I are all zen too. We've been through the near death of a child, financial chaos, etc. Oddly enough, I don't even remember year 15 being at all hard. If fact, I remember it as part of our salad days... :lol: He's my best friend, and I know I'm beyond lucky to have him.

[Liz CA]

I am now separated from my husband, as of last May, and this coming August would have been our fifteenth anniversary. But we struggled from our first month, and those struggles kept up all those years. For me, things became increasingly scary, and I had to get myself and my kids out. Simple as that. Sad, but true.

 

Sounds like a tough road. I hope you find some peace now.

[Liz CA]

For a few of our friends it's been the 20-25 year itch. I think it's the syndrome of "kids are gone -tell me again why I should stay?"

 

Dh and I have had struggles but we are pretty much cemented together until death do us part. Issues keep cropping up like underemployment etc.

It leaves less time to ponder other things - and maybe that is good.

We have to start over again once the kids are out and find new hobbies or develop existing hobbies and actively seek togetherness.

[Liz CA]

I know there's something to certain points in marriage being rough, but wouldn't you guys say that right now the economy isn't making things any easier?

 

Otoh, my parents split at 14 yrs. My youngest sib was old enough to be in PS FT, so mom wouldn't have to pay for child care, & we were all getting old enough that she was beginning to see dad treat us the way he'd treated her. It's one thing to take it when it's aimed at you; it's another thing altogether to watch your kids on the wrong end of...whatever.

 

Very true! My best friend is divorcing right in part because of this issue.

The failing economy makes for a difficult ride but it also shows us what is important and what isn't. We are all still alive - unemployment or not. I am at that point.

[lionfamily1999]

We just celebrated our 11th anniversary in September. We're different though :p For us, adversity keeps us very close. When the going gets tough, we cuddle ;)

 

I wouldn't say we're zen, but when I think of dh I think of relaxing and comfort. He says the I make him think "home."

 

Most of the divorces we've seen have been with the shorter marraiges (1-3 years). When they tell me their "honeymoon period" didn't work out, all I can think is... those were the hardest years in our marraige (iow, WHAT honeymoon period?!?).

 

Recently, though, we've known two long term couples split up. They both say that they've had issues for the last 20-30 years and now that the kids are out of the house they have no reason to stay together :( What's crazy is that none of those four people seem happy in the least. They're always calling each other and bickering. The two that are dating are just waiting for the divorce papers to come through (iykwIm). I wish I knew what in the world was going on there, to make them split up (and how dh and I can avoid that), but I can't see/remember anything that makes any sense.

[HRAAB]

Our toughest time was the years between 15 and 20. I don't believe it had anything at all to do with how long we had been married but was due to everything going on: my mother died, my sister went more nutso than normal, I had twins, I got NO sleep, youngest twin needed three minor surgeries (major to the mom), my dad had surgery, almost died, 2 mos in intensive care, lived with us for 4 mos., dh lost job, my dad again was failing and I nursed him for six mos. until he passed away, dh lost job again, plus I was very, very pre-menopausal. Just a bad combination. I do not believe divorce has ever been on our radar, though.

 

However, years 20 to 25 have been absolutely wonderful. The children getting older has helped because I get to sleep all night now.

[lionfamily1999]

Our toughest time was the years between 15 and 20. I don't believe it had anything at all to do with how long we had been married but was due to everything going on: my mother died, my sister went more nutso than normal, I had twins, I got NO sleep, youngest twin needed three minor surgeries (major to the mom), my dad had surgery, almost died, 2 mos in intensive care, lived with us for 4 mos., dh lost job, my dad again was failing and I nursed him for six mos. until he passed away, dh lost job again, plus I was very, very pre-menopausal. Just a bad combination. I do not believe divorce has ever been on our radar, though.

 

However, years 20 to 25 have been absolutely wonderful. The children getting older has helped because I get to sleep all night now.

So glad to hear this! :hurray:

 

Sometimes the statistics can really get me down, hearing that they're bunk (at least in some cases) is a great relief.

[nd293]

We're married 15 years this year, and everything seems fine. But we'd lived together for 4 years before that, and 4 years ago things were pretty rocky, so that fits with the 15 year theory.

 

Don't they say something about how long ago most marriages really wouldn't last more than 15 or so years because people died so much younger? Well, not sure if that's true, but I think perhaps 15 years is just a really long time. It's long enough for someone to look at their life and say "What have I achieved? Am I happy." And sometimes people don't like the answers to the questions, and look for dramatic "solutions".

 

Nikki

[Rosie_0801]

I know there's something to certain points in marriage being rough, but wouldn't you guys say that right now the economy isn't making things any easier?

 

I would agree with that. I had pondered that you must need to have a house and children to have a 7 year itch, and since we have kids but no house, the itch must be delayed for us. Well things are itching like blazes here in year 8 and economic uncertainties are certainly contributing. The wretched economy won't even let us get a house so we can itch properly!

 

Rosie

[cathmom]

I heard on the radio last night that Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife are divorcing after 17 years and it made me think of this thread.