Ugh! I did hope I would be excempt from teenage rebellion...

[Peela]

to some extent anyway.

 

Dd16- the angelic creature below..instead of visiting girlfriend for sleepover, went partying with older kids in another town. Overnight.

Ugh. Girlfriend covered for her.

She is safe and well and home. And sprung.

Without her phone, ipod, computer, and any chance of a social life for..like..ever.

But it hurts that she was so dishonest. That I trusted her even though I had a gut feeling not to. That things have now changed between us- that we cannot trust her. That instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt, we need to do the opposite.

Shes a good kid. A young woman. Has too much of her parents' genes though. Both rebels.

 

 

I guess I hoped we would escape this stuff. Its painful.

[Old Dominion Heather]

:grouphug:

 

No advice, mine are not that old yet. But, you guys seem like awesome parents. Kids have to try the boundaries, you know. And then they have to take the consequences.

 

You are doing a good job, Peela!

[Denisemomof4]

it IS painful and I'm so sorry you're dealing with it. I'm really upset that my teens lie as well. I know it's because they don't want to get in trouble, but once the trust is broken, the relationship DOES change and it IS painful.

 

Your pain is worse now because it just happened. You will move beyond this and gain respect and trust again, and you'll have a wonderful relationship again. But, you may have another hiccup, too. Even the best kids do this, Peela. Not everyone gets caught.:grouphug:

[KidsHappen]

BTDT. The Blindsiing was the worst. The oldest was trouble from the word go so no surprises there. The second never any trouble at all. The third waited until after 18 to have her fun but the 17 really blindsided me, doing things that I really thought were so out of character for her that I was worried for her well being. The 14 yr. old has been great so far but I keep my eye on her. She bi-polar and while well medicated well, we have a propensity for teenage trouble.

[elegantlion]

:grouphug: I'm sorry.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

:grouphug:

 

Sending some understanding and sisterhood to Australia!!!

[PiCO]

to some extent anyway.

 

Dd16- the angelic creature below..instead of visiting girlfriend for sleepover, went partying with older kids in another town. Overnight.

Ugh. Girlfriend covered for her.

 

You're good parents from catching her in her deception. So many parents bury their heads in the sand and pretend their teenager is perfect.

[Sophia]

Oh Peela, I know the pain you're talking about.

 

I know you will probably do this anyway, but I just want to encourage you to talk, talk, talk, talk, with your dd about why you are giving her consequences, and be prepared to repeat yourself a gazillion times, because at first she's only going to hear what she wants.

Ds blindsided us a few years ago, and in retrospect, I'm almost glad, because all the talking we've done has brought us closer together.

 

Sigh, I remember being 16 and I remember wanting the freedom to do as I wanted just as our 16 y.o.'s want now. But I have the hindsight to know that's not best for them~oh how I wish we could just get that inside their brains.

[Dayle in Guatemala]

:grouphug:It's hard. It hurts. You did the right thing and you're right about not being able to give her the benefit of the doubt yet--hopefully with time, that will change.:grouphug:

[NanceXToo]

I'm sorry, I'm sure it is hurtful! My 18 y/o teen is special needs so I never had to experience what it would be like to experience 'normal' teen behaviors and rebellions from one of my children yet (my next oldest only just turned 10 this month).

 

I do know that when *I* was a teen, I was doing all that and worse when I was like 13/14!

 

Even though it's not the right thing to do, it's pretty normal for teens to rebel and do something they are not supposed to, and she knew you'd say no, so she went behind your back.

 

Teens tend to think about what they want to do, and not what could happen/go wrong. In addition to grounding her like you have maybe you should make her write a letter or essay explaining what could have happened to her/how that could have gone wrong/why it was a bad idea etc. Make her really think about it. And maybe add how she would react if she was a mom and her daughter did something like that!

 

I hope that nothing like this happens again for your sake!

[Mommyfaithe]

to some extent anyway.

 

Dd16- the angelic creature below..instead of visiting girlfriend for sleepover, went partying with older kids in another town. Overnight.

Ugh. Girlfriend covered for her.

She is safe and well and home. And sprung.

Without her phone, ipod, computer, and any chance of a social life for..like..ever.

But it hurts that she was so dishonest. That I trusted her even though I had a gut feeling not to. That things have now changed between us- that we cannot trust her. That instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt, we need to do the opposite.

Shes a good kid. A young woman. Has too much of her parents' genes though. Both rebels.

 

 

I guess I hoped we would escape this stuff. Its painful.

 

Well, I always say you can't blame a kid for trying. She tried...she got caught, she is in trouble and knows it. She is receiving consequences.

You are a good, loving Mamma. It will be ok. :grouphug::grouphug: raising kids is hard. :grouphug::grouphug:

Faithe

[myfunnybunch]

:grouphug:

 

We went through a similar loss of trust with our daughter, the eldest. I chose to trust her, despite my gut feeling, and she chose to knowingly betray my trust.

 

I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach.

 

We've since had many many conversations about trust in relationships, how to keep it and how to get it back once lost. It was a learning experience for both of us, albeit a painful one. I am feeling a little teary as I type, just remembering.

 

You are a wise momma. I think you made the right choice to trust your dd, even though it might not seem like it now. And your lovely daughter made a bad choice. Teens do that, and better to experience it now while she's got your guidance. I'll bet that one of the things that is hurting her the most right now is losing your trust.

 

:grouphug: for both of you.

 

Cat

[LG Gone Wild]

Not there quite yet myself but it ALWAYS hurts when you catch your kids lying.

 

She isn't grown up yet and still apt to act on impulse and desire. :grouphug:

 

Then again, I think most of us highly respectable moms (and dads) pulled a bunch of garbage in our youth and here we are today!

[Mejane]

Sorry. I have a "good" almost-18yo, and I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop. :001_unsure:

[Chris in VA]

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

My best advice is for you to do what you can to listen and build the relationship. I think you are doing the right thing re consequences.

 

Keep talking. Let her know you love her. Teens can be very impulsive, as you know. Let her see you are hurt.

 

And hang in there, Peela!

[HRAAB]

I don't think teens can understand how much it hurts the parent to feel they've lost that mutual trust. It does hurt. And it does change the playing field. But on the other hand, trust can rebuild and the relationship heal. I had a couple similar instances with my oldest two. It was not an ongoing thing by any means. They gave it a shot and got caught. Then they got watched very closely. And they grew up. Now while I might not agree with all their choices, I trust them to do what they believe is right.

 

You're a very good parent. The trust will come back. Maybe when they move out, but eventually.

[Gwenhwyfar]

a lot of people are saying things about the trust "being gone" .. and i'm not quite sure that i understand that. it takes a LOT for someone to lose my trust - not just one screw up. know what i mean?

 

i don't know.. i think i'd want to handle this with some heart to heart conversations, rather than taking away everything she owns and dropping any trust.

 

talk to her. why did she make this decision? - what was she thinking? did she consider any risks? was there 'peer pressure' involved? [was there a guy? of the "i don't want to look lame in front of him" sort?] get inside her head and find out what the heck went down. go from there.

[Starr]

:grouphug: It's good she figured out that wasn't a good idea. Someday it will be the stuff of family stories and she won't want you telling her kids. :D I'm sorry. I hope you guys are feeling better soon. :grouphug:

[kristavws]

I think that it is fairly normal for teenagers to test their boundaries. My daughter pulled exactly the same thing your daughter did, the weekend after she turned 18 (She turned 18 just a few weeks before graduation). I figured out what was going on around midnight. We were not sure exactly where she was, and she would not answer her cell phone, so we had to wait until she returned home the next morning. When we sat her down to discuss it, she informed us that she was 18, and could do what she wanted. We then reminded her of where she was living, and whose car she was driving! It did open the door to some good conversations on trust, respect, and responsibility.

 

SOrry that you are having to go through this. :grouphug:

 

Krista

[Willow]

Everybody tries it on sometime or other. Think about it, if your toddler never threw a tantrum or your teenager never tested the boundaries then what sort of adults would they be...someone who just did what they were told all their lives. Do we really want that?

 

I told my older crew a password. If they phoned and used this password (it was a message from Auntie Pat who does not exist. The kid would say "Mum I've a message from Auntie Pat...) then i would pick them up from wherever they were...regardless of if they were supposed to be there or not...and no questions asked, no reprisals. Good kids have died because they were too scared to call mum or dad for help. Because they might be in trouble forever.

 

Oldest used it once. She had gone to a party instead of a sleepover, it was crashed by loads of older kids who brought loads of alcohol, after txting around to each other that a party was taking place. DD and friend were terrified. Dh extracted her and got her and friend home safely.

 

We kept our part of the bargain. No reprisals. Dd has never forgotten this and has been totally reliable since (mind you she is an adult with a flat of her own now! I mean during the rest of her years at home with us)

 

Yes ground her, yes explain why, but she is not a bad kid, and she merely went to a party without permission, she is not on drugs, you did not have to collect her from jail.....I'll not go on, you get the idea.

 

But remember, if you ground her forever and tell her there is no way back to redemption and trust, she might as well spend her life climbing out of the windows at 4am because she is obviously beyond all redemption so what has she to loose?

 

Consequences, forgive, forget, move on.

 

Willow.

[Osmosis Mom]

Oldest dd also did something that totally wrecked our view of her. She was caught before she actually went through with her plan (online conversations with a boy and stuff like that). Dh was totally upset, but to me, I put it in perspective. It could have been much worse!! I did gain a lot of grey hair overnight, but we spoke about asking forgiveness and about lying and losing trust. She was truly repentent (also spiritually) and has since then never lied (she used to fib about small things). We trust her with our lives now. Everyone makes mistakes.

 

BTW, she did this during a boring summer after she had gotten her first laptop. Guess she needed to try her limits on that one!! I don't really believe in taking away all electronic toys as the reality of today's youth is that electronics rule. Something else, I might talk to the friend's mother since that friend had covered your dd's lie. But yes, I'd talk about what could have happened.

 

P.S. I actually had an aquaintance whose 16 yo dd got pregnant on the ONE night she did this same stunt (this was 13 years ago before internet amongst the youth). She never saw the boy again, but was raising a beautiful little boy when I met them and she was 19 or something.

[Trish]

I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your daughter! Hopefully aside from the fact of going out and not being where she was supposed to be, she used her head otherwise.

 

Those of us with younger kids will be in your shoes soon enough! At pre-teen ages we still call the parents to make sure everything is on the up and up. Does that stop at a certain age? Would it be totally embarrassing for a 14-year-old?

 

Maybe you could consider just a call "to chat" with the other mom to see if she needed any particular snack for the night, not necessarily as a "checking up" call (even though that's what you would be doing!)

 

Good luck going forward. Part of me dreads the teenage years...

[myfunnybunch]

a lot of people are saying things about the trust "being gone" .. and i'm not quite sure that i understand that. it takes a LOT for someone to lose my trust - not just one screw up. know what i mean?

 

I am not challenging your idea, and I know this is about Peela and her daughter, this just triggered something I've been thinking about ever since I read Peela's initial post.

 

When someone you love and trust looks at you and chooses to lie to you, knowing that you trust and believe what he or she says, it is a blow. It hurts. And it makes it difficult to believe that person the next time. Loss of trust isn't a punishment visited on the child,...young adult...it's a very real feeling.

 

When I look back on what happened with my own daughter and what we experienced together, it wasn't just about lying and getting caught. It was also about making a transition of sorts from a child-parent relationship to a real adult understanding that the choices we make can genuinely hurt people and affect our relationships. My daughter has said to me since that the hardest part for her was realizing that the worst consequence wasn't the loss of privileges, but knowing that by being untruthful she'd lost our faith that she would always tell us the truth. I believe it's an experience that many teens have in one way or another on their path to adulthood, and one that was a huge part of really growing up for my own child.

 

Cat

[Jean in Newcastle]

:grouphug: Peela, I think all of us do hope that our family will be exempt from teenage rebellion. But for a vast majority of us, it does rear it's ugly head in some form or another. :grouphug:

[MamaT]

Peela, I know it hurts. BTDT with my oldest two. It seems most kids have to try it one time or another. I don't think they realize how much it hurts US to lose their trust. Both my boys have grown into very trustworthy young men. Hang in there, stick to the consequences, and love her a lot.

[jld]

 

i don't know.. i think i'd want to handle this with some heart to heart conversations, rather than taking away everything she owns and dropping any trust.

 

talk to her. why did she make this decision? - what was she thinking? did she consider any risks? was there 'peer pressure' involved? [was there a guy? of the "i don't want to look lame in front of him" sort?] get inside her head and find out what the heck went down. go from there.

 

 

This sounds really good, a real relationship builder.

[Miss Marple]

:grouphug: Sounds like you are doing what needs to be done.

[tex-mex]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

Peela,

No answers for you, my friend. Just know that you are doing a good job with your dd. She'll realize one day your POV when she has kids. Just keep up the lines of communication and realize she is on the path to adulthood.

 

I know I caused much pain in my own Mother's life -- I did not talk to her and rebelled. But she really wasn't that great of a mom, truthfully. I left the house at the age of 17 and never looked back. No communication, period. Fortunately, I chose a wise path. But it could have ended up badly if the peers I chose were unscrupulous. It does sound like your dd is branching out and being a teen. Quite normal teen behavior. My heart goes out to the two of you. Hang in there.

[Whereneverever]

:grouphug:

[Ester Maria]

:grouphug:

 

Not BTDT as a parent (yet...).

We usually tell our children that we all make mistakes; the important thing is to grow from them, rather than allow them to "block" us.

 

In my view, your daughter doesn't need misery, emphasized guilt, dramatic formulae of "lost trust" and sermons on how you did this and that for her and she "betrayed" you and is beyond redemption whatsoever; I'd probably go with an attitude along the lines of "okay, you did something silly and in that silliness you hurt people and put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation, but we forgive you and thank God all ended well, now you keep your head up, pull yourself together and be that good kid that we all know you actually are".

This is a good opportunity for a talk, where she talks more than you, for trying to understand why she did it, what it's about, did she consider risks and how she took care of the organization of the whole thing, etc. Hopefully you can both grow from this as persons and your relationship as a mother and a daughter can grow from it and be strengthened by it.

[kalanamak]

When I finally had a baby, my mother gave forewarned me:

 

When they are little they step on your feet, when they are older they step on your heart.

[katilac]

Wow, she is getting more beautiful by the day. And does look angelic in that picture, the stinker, lol!

 

Of course you're angry and hurt, there's no way that's not going to hurt. Some have said she doesn't need guilt or drama, but I personally would probably put both of those to good use. Why am I so angry? Because I love you more than my life, and you could have been hurt, and I would have had NO IDEA. You could have been hurt, and I wouldn't have been able to do my job, I wouldn't have been able to help you, because you lied to me . . .

 

Yeah, I'm an evil mom. :grouphug: to you both.

[katilac]

When they are little they step on your feet, when they are older they step on your heart.

 

And the sister saying: Little kids, litte troubles. Big kids, big troubles.

[AuntieM]

:grouphug: Sorry, Peela. Just remember not to be hard on yourself for a decision made by your daughter. That mother-guilt can be a real spirit killer.

 

Wishing for you that this bump in the road will translate to important lessons learned and a deepening of your relationship.

[Peela]

Oh you are all so sweet...thanks for your beautiful thoughts. And I find you all very compassionate and kind - weve all been teenagers too, once, I guess.

 

You're good parents from catching her in her deception. So many parents bury their heads in the sand and pretend their teenager is perfect.

 

You know, I know I was doing that- not pretending she was perfect, but ignoring her dishonesty, not checking up on her when I was feeling she might be being dishonest. This has made me realise its better for us all that I keep my eyes open. DH never got a say in whether she went this weekend...he said his gut feeling was to say no when he heard...I thought he would say that and I told her yes anyway, so we have had some conversations between us! Anyway, its easy to be wise in hindsight.

 

I'm sorry. :grouphug:

My best advice is for you to do what you can to listen and build the relationship. I think you are doing the right thing re consequences.

 

Keep talking. Let her know you love her. Teens can be very impulsive, as you know. Let her see you are hurt.

 

And hang in there, Peela!

 

Yes...by cutting off the electronics, the idea is to bring her back to the family, bring her back close...not to punish her. Dh and I both want to spend more time with her. She will get them back when it feels right. We feel she needs the shock of being with herself rather than running off and chatting online with the very friends who encouraged or at least supported her dishonesty with us.

 

a lot of people are saying things about the trust "being gone" .. and i'm not quite sure that i understand that. it takes a LOT for someone to lose my trust - not just one screw up. know what I mean?

 

 

She lied and manipulated to my face, using my generous trust of her to get her way- intending all along to do soemthing different frmo what she was telling me. It just hurts...the trust is broken because thats a natural consequence of being lied to, not because I am conjuring it up as a punishment. I am sure it will return at some stage but I wont create it either...it will be a natural outcome of rebuilding trust in the relationship.

 

I told my older crew a password. If they phoned and used this password (it was a message from Auntie Pat who does not exist. The kid would say "Mum I've a message from Auntie Pat...) then i would pick them up from wherever they were...regardless of if they were supposed to be there or not...and no questions asked, no reprisals. Good kids have died because they were too scared to call mum or dad for help. Because they might be in trouble forever.

 

 

 

Yes, I like that idea.

 

Maybe you could consider just a call "to chat" with the other mom to see if she needed any particular snack for the night, not necessarily as a "checking up" call (even though that's what you would be doing!)

 

 

Yes, I could have and in retrospect should have checked with the other mum.

 

When someone you love and trust looks at you and chooses to lie to you, knowing that you trust and believe what he or she says, it is a blow. It hurts. And it makes it difficult to believe that person the next time. Loss of trust isn't a punishment visited on the child,...young adult...it's a very real feeling.

 

 

 

Exactly.

 

I know I caused much pain in my own Mother's life -- I did not talk to her and rebelled. But she really wasn't that great of a mom, truthfully. I left the house at the age of 17 and never looked back. No communication, period. Fortunately, I chose a wise path. But it could have ended up badly if the peers I chose were unscrupulous. It does sound like your dd is branching out and being a teen. Quite normal teen behavior. My heart goes out to the two of you. Hang in there.

 

I left home at 16. I made a lot of mistakes. I didnt speak to my mum for years and I think our relationship has never been 100% repaired. I have a lot of compassion and I completely understand my dd's desire to do what she wants. Thats why I tend to be on the "easy" side rather than very strict.

 

 

In my view, your daughter doesn't need misery, emphasized guilt, dramatic formulae of "lost trust" and sermons on how you did this and that for her and she "betrayed" you and is beyond redemption whatsoever;

 

Yes I agree, Ester Maria. We are being quite real with her. We havent even got angry. We are both very disappointed and the feelings of betrayal are real. But she knows we love her anyway. We aren't really into guilt- we don't want her to hate herself. This will pass. I am sure she realises she made a big mistake...in getting caught! Her life centres around her social life and to lose it (temporarily) is huge for her, and yet she hasnt said blip about that. She understands.

We will keep talking.

 

:grouphug: Sorry, Peela. Just remember not to be hard on yourself for a decision made by your daughter. That mother-guilt can be a real spirit killer.

 

 

Yes, thanks...I think I did feel that guilt at first...you know..."where did I go wrong"...but it passed pretty quickly. I am not really into wallowing in that stuff.

[LuvingLife]

I know exactly how you feel. I don't have any kids lol, but I do have an 18 year old brother that is an absolute rebel that no one can figure out. He was raised the right way, my parents tried to bring him up in a house that never did drugs, partied with any alcohal, and didn't rebel against their parents. He turned out completely opposite of what they raised him to be!

 

They kicked him out twice, and now that he's 18, they don't want him back. I can tell my dad really wanted to have a father-son-relationship with my brother, but that couldn't happen with the way my brother was. Now he is trying to raise my two other brothers the way they should be, and it is working out so far, I hope this continues.

 

I am the exact opposite of my brother, I know that all of these things are bad, and I have been tempted many times to try them. But I knew where I wanted to go in life, and that wasn't being some drug addict or worse, it was to finish hs, go to college, get married, and live my life for God. My brother never even graduated hs, he is addicted to drugs, and has lost all faith in God. We have tried so hard for him, but he just kept pushing us farther and farther away, so my parents said to him, leave now or I'll call the cops. With that he laughed and left. Now he has to work two jobs, doesn't have a hs diploma, and is going from friend to friend trying to find a place to stay.

 

It wasn't the best life at home, but it was better than the life that he is now living and may still be living in the future.

 

So with your daughter, you really need to keep a close eye on her. Have you ever watched World's Strictest Parents? This is an amazing show with teens that rebel against their parents and don't care for them at all. Then they meet the parents that they have to live with for a week and let me tell you, they rock those kids world's. But they also show them what life is all about, what they are doing to their lives and messing up their future, and then they start to see the light. It's amazing and I love to watch the show for this reason.

 

Gaining back trust is a hard thing to do, and hopefully your relationship with your daughter will be mended.

 

May God bless you and your family!:grouphug: