I need serious help to keep my 10 year old dd in her bedroom at night.

[Frontier Mom]

I'm exhausted!! I've tried threats, appealing to the "what's best for the family speech," rewards, incentives, etc. She wanders around and won't stay in her bed, she waits until my dh and I turn off the lights then comes to get in our bed. When I close the door, she goes to her brother's rooms and wakes them up. What can I do?

 

She is extremely grouchy because she isn't getting enough quality sleep. I'm grouchy because I don't want her in my bed, dh is grumpy because we have no time alone;) and I just can't stand the drama.

 

I'm at the point of changing her lock to lock from the outside but I am afraid of a fire. What can I do? Our den is open from a hallway upstairs so she can hear and see us if her door isn't closed. Please offer me some good ideas! I'm desperate.

[kokotg]

At our house, getting out of bed (without a good reason) costs a dollar.

 

ETA: is she having lots of trouble falling asleep? DS7 needs melatonin to help him fall asleep, or he's up for hours and hours after bedtime.

 

Wow--I sound like an awesome mom in this post. I drug my kids and then steal their money!

[BMW]

I'm afraid to respond because I really am saying this gently... I am surprised that she is 10. This seems like something you would experience with a very young child. If I had to work through this, I might explain to her that her behavior is not age-appropriate and until she can act her age at night time, she cannot have the priviledges that come with her age... and then follow through. But, that doesn't help if she continues on and on.

 

Underneath that... have there been major changes in life? Recent problems? Has this always gone on... her entire 10 years?

 

I hope you get some great words of wisdom and ideas that can help you turn this around.

 

And entirely "outside" of this challenge, love her... fill her with love... (not that you don't already do that... just added that because our children grow up!!! In 10 more years, you most likely will not have this issue!)

[fairfarmhand]

I'm afraid to respond because I really am saying this gently... I am surprised that she is 10. This seems like something you would experience with a very young child. If I had to work through this, I might explain to her that her behavior is not age-appropriate and until she can act her age at night time, she cannot have the priviledges that come with her age... and then follow through. But, that doesn't help if she continues on and on.

 

Underneath that... have there been major changes in life? Recent problems? Has this always gone on... her entire 10 years?

 

I hope you get some great words of wisdom and ideas that can help you turn this around.

 

And entirely "outside" of this challenge, love her... fill her with love... (not that you don't already do that... just added that because our children grow up!!! In 10 more years, you most likely will not have this issue!)

 

 

great advice. :iagree:

[Pippen]

Why do you think she's wandering? Is she scared to be alone? Lonely? Not tired at bedtime? Afraid she's going to miss out on something? Defiant? Is she tactile sensitive and sleeps better with a warm body beside her?

 

When I was about 11, I went through a time when I was afraid that my heart was going to stop while I was asleep. Laying in my bed alone I would hear my heartbeat slow down and it terrified me. I wasn't an anxious child at all--it was just a weird kid thing I went through and was embarrassed to tell anyone about.

Edited October 19, 2010 by Pippen

[missmoe]

Exercise and lots of it. Perhaps she needs to be drop dead tired to get into a routine of sleeping at night. Swimming, running, cycling, ect in the afternoon could help her be physically tired at night.

[Catherine]

Do this every night until it doesn't take her more than 10 minutes to go to sleep. Of course you want to make sure she is tired enough-no sweet snacks at bedtime, plenty of daytime exercise. When I did this with my son, I had to insist that it be totally dark, and that he get comfortable and lie still, and that he not talk. After a few weeks, he could go to sleep quickly by himself, pretty consistently. I still sit with him sometimes, but I tell him it's because I want to. This is only partly true. I think it's important for kids who must sleep alone (which is not what we are biologically programmed to do) to know they are not banished to bed alone so that we can get away from them. Ideas like that make it all the harder to feel safe and relaxed and thus fall asleep.

[Night Elf]

Underneath that... have there been major changes in life? Recent problems? Has this always gone on... her entire 10 years?

 

:iagree: If this is a new behavior, I'd take her to the doctor for an evaluation.

 

FWIW, I was terrified to sleep alone at night when I was that age. And I mean absolutely terrified. I kept the light on and would stay up just from the rush of adrenaline caused by fear. I slept either with my mom or sister. Years later, we attributed it to my parents divorce and hormones. My parents divorced 4 years earlier but I was terribly affected by it all my childhood.

[NanceXToo]

She has a reason. she's scared. I used to suffer from horrible nightmares and I ALWAYS found my way into either my mother's room or one of my brothers up until I was probably about 11 years old.

 

If she really needs that comfort, I'd let her have it and hope she'll outgrow it soon. I wouldn't let her sleep in my bed, but I would tell her if she was scared, she could bring a blanket and pillow into my room and sleep on the floor.

 

If I was totally against that, I'd sit in her room and read til she fell asleep. But if she woke in the middle of the night scared, I'd let her in my room (on the floor).

[TanuvasaMama]

:bigear::bigear::bigear:

 

I'm going through this with my 7 year old daughter!!! She just can't sleep. She typically falls asleep aroun 10:30-11 ish even though we put her to bed at 8.

 

I'd love to hear all the advice as well!

[Kate in Arabia]

I see you have three boys, are they all three sharing a room? Maybe she is feeling lonely/left out if she's the only one in the family who has to sleep alone.

[Ellie]

If she wants to come into your room, couldn't you make a little bed for her on the floor next to your bed? I would feel better about that than any sort of discipline/correction. If she were getting up and being destructive around the house I'd feel differently about it, but it seems as if she just wants to have someone close by her when she sleeps.

[Parrothead]

Dd slept in her own bed/crib until she was 3. Since then she has slept either with me or in my room.

 

It started out when dd woke up in the middle of the night just after turning 3. Dh was off, but on a midnight shift. He was awake watching TV and sent her to my bed.

 

We've tried over the years to get her back in her bed, but with dh's shift working it always turned out best for us to have dh sleeping alone in dd's bed, and dd sleeping with me.

 

About a year ago the stuffies got to be too much. She now sleeps on an old twin mattress which is beside my queen bed. Dh and I were talking about the situation Sunday afternoon. We are going to separate bedrooms for us all just after Christmas.

 

As for dd sleeping in the little bed next to me, I figure she will get over it before she goes to college. We've never had a problem going at her pace. Times and places for teA can get interesting. I've rather have a bit of quality time than calling sleeping in the same bed our alone time.

[Pamela H in Texas]

Two wildly different thoughts from me:

 

1) I agree with BMW. You can't behave in an age-appropriate way, you don't have age appropriate opportunities.

 

Of course, if you choose this, you can scaffold her a bit...help her make good choices and move up the levels steadily. You might choose encouragement even rewards.

 

2) One thing I've said over and over is that we sometimes do not allow our kids enough responsibility, opportunity, and privilege soon enough. Sometimes, we must raise these things and see if they can step up RATHER than waiting til they show they are capable with the lower level (which often seem to be way too low for many preteens and teens).

 

Anyway, one option would be to discuss openly about what will work for everyone in the family. Brainstorm what she CAN do between bedtime and lights out. Negotiate an appropriate light's out time also. Discuss where she CAN sleep. She can make all sorts of choices within those boundaries.

 

(btw, my son slept in our room for the longest time. We finally kicked him out about 9. He slept in the hallway for quite awhile. He tried his sister's room for short times. He moved to the couch for years. Really, for us, it was simply that he couldn't sleep in our room anymore. But we were pretty open past that).

 

And of course you'll address any issues (new fears are often part of an impending growth spurt, for example). And you'll make sure she is getting plenty of love, time, attention, exercise, feeling worthy, etc during the day.

Edited October 19, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[SonshineLearner]

Do you have puppies that can be crated in her room at night to give her that "not alone factor". As far as coming in my room, the door would be locked so that wouldn't happen....

I'd suggest a sleeping bag and pillow right outside your door. Of course, there could be issues to think about... that's another possibility.

:(

[CalicoKat]

We used a string of jingle bells on the door to help alert us to our dd's wanderings.

 

She knew they were there so she stayed put.

 

We've also locked the boys in, from their side of the door, so she couldn't get in and wake them up.

 

More exercise, things to keep her busy in her room (books on tape, flashlight to read, etc.), melatonin. . .. . some things we've done in the past years.

 

We have to lock our pantry at night too or she cleans it out.

[katilac]

You didn't say why she's refusing to go to bed, but I'm assuming it's because she's afraid? (because she wants to sleep with you, or failing that, her brothers).

 

Nine/ten/eleven is a very common age for fear and anxiety. I can't remember the last time my 10-yr-old slept by herself; she's either with her big sis or, yep, in with us. She has a very difficult time falling asleep, and she's in a really, really long phase of night time anxiety and fear. She won't walk down our very short hallway from the living room to her room to get something if the lights aren't on!

 

I don't know; can you give us more info? Why does she say she is getting up, what does she do? It doesn't sound like she's sneaking around to get on the computer, etc, and as frustrating as it is, you can't discipline away fear or an inability to fall asleep. Changing the locks is not safe and is almost certain to ratchet up her fear and anxiety; I can almost guarantee even less sleep for everyone concerned if you go that route.

 

This is the type of frustrating situation that you have to be very careful with, because it's so easy to get into a cycle of escalating reactions. I would definitely adress any possible factors. Make sure she gets enough vigourous exercise and healthy food, and try melatonin if you're comfortable with that. Things to eliminate: caffeine at any time of day, eating near bedtime, potentially scary tv shows (and not just the obvious stuff; nature shows upset a lot of children), any screens within a few hours of bedtime (and should be very limited at all times). Don't verbally connect any changes you make to her sleep habits; simply implement them. Oh, and make sure your sleep expectations are realistic; if you are sending her to bed hours before she is likely to fall asleep, that will only compound any sleep issues.

 

Is she alone in her room? Can she try sleeping in her brothers' room? Can she stay downstairs near you, either reading or resting quietly?

 

Honestly, sometimes time and patience are the only solutions for this. At our house, we have rules to try and minimize the 'fun factor' of not staying in bed (she can come to our bed, but can't chat with us, etc), but beyond that, what can you do? I can force her to stay in her room, but I can't force her not to be afraid. Eventually, this too shall pass, and when she's grown we can tell embarrassing stories about how she crawled into bed with us until she was a teenager :D

[JudoMom]

I was always welcome to sleep on my parent's floor if I got scared in the middle of the night. Thunderstorms and nightmares sent me down to their room well into my late teens.

 

I always had to start out in my bed, but it was a comfort to know that I could go down there if I woke up scared. They also allowed me to keep a light on if I needed to. Maybe this kind of agreement would help your dd?

[katilac]

I'm afraid to respond because I really am saying this gently... I am surprised that she is 10. This seems like something you would experience with a very young child. If I had to work through this, I might explain to her that her behavior is not age-appropriate and until she can act her age at night time, she cannot have the priviledges that come with her age... and then follow through. But, that doesn't help if she continues on and on.

 

I hate the idea of punishing and shaming a child for being afraid, and, while the OP isn't very detailed, this sounds like a kid who is fearful and anxious at night. Not an uncommon occurrence at all, and actually very common to pop up suddenly in this age group.

 

If an 10-yr-old were to complain about their chores or schoolwork being harder than their younger siblings, I'd have no issue saying, "Six-year-old chores get six-year-old priviliges. Are you sure you want that?" But if that same 10-yr-old is scared to stay alone at night, the idea of telling them they aren't acting their age makes my heart hurt on their behalf. It serves no purpose but to shame them.

[chiguirre]

She has a reason. she's scared. I used to suffer from horrible nightmares and I ALWAYS found my way into either my mother's room or one of my brothers up until I was probably about 11 years old.

 

If she really needs that comfort, I'd let her have it and hope she'll outgrow it soon. I wouldn't let her sleep in my bed, but I would tell her if she was scared, she could bring a blanket and pillow into my room and sleep on the floor.

 

 

 

I had night anxiety at that age. I would literally be petrified with fear if I woke up during the night. I was awful and I'm grateful my mom would sleep with me if I woke up. It passed by the time I was 11, so I don't think you have much longer to go.

[mom2jjka]

My daughter was 11 before she finally slept in her own room. It was awful.

 

Some things we did to cope... she was allowed to come into our room (or her sister's room) but she was not allowed to wake anyone up. She could bring her sleeping bag or a mat and camp on the floor if she wanted to be near us, but she was not allowed in our bed.

 

Also - watch what she eats/drinks up to 3 hours before bed. No sugary snacks and no caffeine (including chocolate)

 

Melatonin did help our daughter fall asleep, but not stay asleep.

 

We also printed out a list of bible verses that gave her comfort and made them into a booklet. She slept with it under her pillow.

[Garga]

I used to be soooo scared as a kid. We lived in a huge old row home in Baltimore city. It had skylights and a creepy basement with a coal room and one big heating vent in the diningroom floor to heat the whole house.

 

After watching Gremlins, my dad mentioned in passing that it creeped him out to think that maybe Gremlins were looking at him through the skylight.

My mom went to see a Psycho movie and mentioned that someone was killed in the movie in the coal room in the basement.

My mom claims that she saw a ghostly woman in grey standing on our heating vent.

 

I was beyond terrified in that house. My parents never seemed to understand why. They told me these horrible little stories, and then when it was bedtime, sent me upstairs in the dark (the light switch for the upstairs light was at the top of the dark stairs, which started in the dining room with the grey lady.) When I would ask them to go up with me, they'd get irritated and say, "Jackie! Just get up the stairs and turn on the light!"

 

And then I had to get myself ready for bed, all alone, in the bathroom with the skylight and the claw foot tub. And then walk down the loooong hallway to my room (turning OFF the hall light on the way), into my bedroom with the other skylight.

 

The house was huge. I was an only child. I was terrified out of my mind. My parents ignored my issues or berated me for them. And, don't ya know, I still remember it to this day!

 

Be kind to your little girl and try to find out what's going on. Follow some of the more gentle advice people have given. And DON'T tell her about ghostly grey ladies on the heating vent.

[KrissiK]

If she's scared, you might want to ask her what scares her - dreams/nightmares, is it nighttime noises? Is she watching something or reading things that come back to her in the night? When I first read your post I was wondering if this had gone on for long or if it just started happening. I think before you try behaviour modifications maybe you should try to get to the root of the fears. My dd who's 4 was scared and we finally moved her brother in with her. She falls asleep quite easily now.

[Frontier Mom]

Thanks for all your responses.

 

I don't think she is doing this out of fear, more out of habit. Even as a baby, if she took even a tiny nap she would be up until 1:00 am. I can remember my mil saying, "Great news! I got her to take a nap." My dh and I would just cringe. She has just never needed naps though my dss were huge nappers. Some still are...

 

I have offered for her to sleep on the couch, floor, etc. but my problem is the lack of quality sleep she gets. I think it is affecting her mood and possibly her health. She intentionally stays awake until we go to bed. I go to bed late and like to read a bit at night or work on projects including school prep for the next day. Knowing she is awake and waiting for me to go to sleep might mean it is 1:00 am before she gets into bed. Way too late for her age.

 

She has dark circles under her eyes which we have discussed. Also, when she is up too late she is unbearable the next day - just unacceptable on an ongoing basis. I think the bottom line is she is being stubborn and likes to snuggle. My dh complains about his back when she sleeps with us because she is a kicker.

 

I think the idea of sitting with her and limiting her food and beverage intake is great advice. I like the idea of going over some things she can appropriately do if she can't fall asleep. I don't want to make this anymore traumatic than possible but really feel it is just a really bad habit I let go too long.

 

As far as my dss, the oldest has his own room and the other two have bunk beds. They tend to go on to bed pretty easily and don't like her waking them up. I have allowed them to lock their doors at night if she wakes them up because they need their sleep as well.

[justamouse]

10 and she won't stay in her bed? Wow.

 

OK.

 

Why is she saying she's staying up? Is she afraid? Can't sleep? I used to be TERRIFIED as a kid and still scare easily. And my 11 yo son is the same. She's going to have to come up with a coping mechanism to get her through as a transitional tool from wakefullness to sleep. Reading did it for me. :D

 

My parents made me sleep in a tent by myself on vacay in Maine at that age and I don't think I slept all night. I can't describe to you how scared I was, and I never watched horror movies or such, it was my own imagination. Don't yell, don't treat this less seriously, her fear is a real thing.

 

I set a routine with mine-because of this very thing. He can read in bed for an hour before (or whenever he wants to cozy up and read) and at 9-9:30 I turn the lights out but I leave the hall light on till he's asleep. I also have talks with him about his fears-"has anything you imagined ever come true? Do you think it could still?" It's lessened, but not gone. Then again, I could never walk my dogs up the road at night when we lived in the country, either and I'm almost 40. :glare: I am fine in the house though--but not without my dogs. When my dh is gone, I need my dogs to get to sleep.

[Ginevra]

I was terrified out of my mind. My parents ignored my issues or berated me for them. And, don't ya know, I still remember it to this day!

 

I agree. I remember when I was 5 or 6 and had a lot of sleepless nights. One night, without warning, my parents barred the way to their room by putting a cedar chest in front of the door! I remember screaming and sobbing my eyes out. This was truly a heinous strategy to pull out of the blue. It did "cure" my going to them but I will never forget the feeling I had - that I could not count on their help, that I was alone to suffer through my fear, that I was bad for disturbing them with my troubles.

 

I'm not a fan of night-waking children, but I would never do something so terrifying and sudden to my own children as what my parents did to me.

[fairfarmhand]

Thanks for all your responses.

 

I don't think she is doing this out of fear, more out of habit. Even as a baby, if she took even a tiny nap she would be up until 1:00 am. I can remember my mil saying, "Great news! I got her to take a nap." My dh and I would just cringe. She has just never needed naps though my dss were huge nappers. Some still are...

 

I have offered for her to sleep on the couch, floor, etc. but my problem is the lack of quality sleep she gets. I think it is affecting her mood and possibly her health. She intentionally stays awake until we go to bed. I go to bed late and like to read a bit at night or work on projects including school prep for the next day. Knowing she is awake and waiting for me to go to sleep might mean it is 1:00 am before she gets into bed. Way too late for her age.

 

She has dark circles under her eyes which we have discussed. Also, when she is up too late she is unbearable the next day - just unacceptable on an ongoing basis. I think the bottom line is she is being stubborn and likes to snuggle. My dh complains about his back when she sleeps with us because she is a kicker.

 

I think the idea of sitting with her and limiting her food and beverage intake is great advice. I like the idea of going over some things she can appropriately do if she can't fall asleep. I don't want to make this anymore traumatic than possible but really feel it is just a really bad habit I let go too long.

 

As far as my dss, the oldest has his own room and the other two have bunk beds. They tend to go on to bed pretty easily and don't like her waking them up. I have allowed them to lock their doors at night if she wakes them up because they need their sleep as well.

 

 

How about she gets a 10 minute (or other reasonable time limit) cuddle at bedtime.

 

Can you make a list of stuff for her to do? Reading, listening to music without words, writing.... I'd also list the things she is NOT to do....wake other people, do anything noisy, come to your room.....

[Frontier Mom]

How about she gets a 10 minute (or other reasonable time limit) cuddle at bedtime.

 

Can you make a list of stuff for her to do? Reading, listening to music without words, writing.... I'd also list the things she is NOT to do....wake other people, do anything noisy, come to your room.....

 

Good ideas. Maybe a list in her room.

[FriedClams]

I can only answer what I would do with my kids - and with that I am assuming the DD is a normal, healthy 10 year old.

 

I'm exhausted!! I've tried threats, appealing to the "what's best for the family speech," rewards, incentives, etc.

 

I would no longer threat, appeal or reward. First, I would cover all bases before she goes to bed - bathroom, water, kisses, teeth, etc. Then I would let her know what the consequences are should she leave her bed.

 

[Yes, I would use "BED" very specifically. Allowing her to wander in her room does not address the simple fact that she needs sleep. Your description of her behaviors shows that. So - she needs to stay "in her BED, with the lights out".]

 

I would let her know, "You are 10 and as such are to stay in your bed, with the lights out from "bedtime" to "wake time". If you leave your room at any time during the night, for any reason, X will occur."

 

Then, X is related to her emotional currency - she will lose time with friends, tv time, play time, sleepover, a trip to the library, later bed time, sports practice, whatever. Simply put, I would explain that if she does not get sleep she is too tired to get to do any of those things. I would make a long list before she goes to bed and then, when (not if) she gets up - you very clearly cross off what she now does not get to do. No arguments. No discussions. The next day - the list is on the fridge so there is no discussion.

 

I would not threat.

 

 

I would not "talk" or argue.

 

 

I would not relent.

 

 

Then you MUST follow through. Plan to not leave the house for a week. Expect to cancel everything. It'll be like a potty training flash back. And then stay calm, relaxed and in control. This has taken 10 years to train, it will take a while to un-train it.

 

The next night - the same thing - with a new list. And do it all over again.

 

Disrespectful responses and outbursts are a completely separate issue and will be dealt with as such.

 

I would not be ugly or cruel in my approach, attitude or tone. I would not get mad or frustrated - you know what's going to happen and what it will take from you (and the rest of the family will be punished for her behavior) to fix this. I would merely let her know what will happen, and then, let it happen. I would even purposely schedule in some fun, knowing it will be canceled to help her learn a little faster. I would make sure she got it - fast.

 

And yes, it will be miserable for a short time. But, it's been miserable for a long time, so you might as well face the misery and change it to a situation you like.

 

To me - sleep is so EXCEEDINGLY important to the health of kids so I take it very seriously. Kids need sleep. YOU need sleep. YOU need time with DH - for you, him and the health of your family. You can do it.

[Frontier Mom]

I can only answer what I would do with my kids - and with that I am assuming the DD is a normal, healthy 10 year old.

 

 

 

I would no longer threat, appeal or reward. First, I would cover all bases before she goes to bed - bathroom, water, kisses, teeth, etc. Then I would let her know what the consequences are should she leave her bed.

 

[Yes, I would use "BED" very specifically. Allowing her to wander in her room does not address the simple fact that she needs sleep. Your description of her behaviors shows that. So - she needs to stay "in her BED, with the lights out".]

 

I would let her know, "You are 10 and as such are to stay in your bed, with the lights out from "bedtime" to "wake time". If you leave your room at any time during the night, for any reason, X will occur."

 

Then, X is related to her emotional currency - she will lose time with friends, tv time, play time, sleepover, a trip to the library, later bed time, sports practice, whatever. Simply put, I would explain that if she does not get sleep she is too tired to get to do any of those things. I would make a long list before she goes to bed and then, when (not if) she gets up - you very clearly cross off what she now does not get to do. No arguments. No discussions. The next day - the list is on the fridge so there is no discussion.

 

I would not threat.

 

 

I would not "talk" or argue.

 

 

I would not relent.

 

 

Then you MUST follow through. Plan to not leave the house for a week. Expect to cancel everything. It'll be like a potty training flash back. And then stay calm, relaxed and in control. This has taken 10 years to train, it will take a while to un-train it.

 

The next night - the same thing - with a new list. And do it all over again.

 

Disrespectful responses and outbursts are a completely separate issue and will be dealt with as such.

 

I would not be ugly or cruel in my approach, attitude or tone. I would not get mad or frustrated - you know what's going to happen and what it will take from you (and the rest of the family will be punished for her behavior) to fix this. I would merely let her know what will happen, and then, let it happen. I would even purposely schedule in some fun, knowing it will be canceled to help her learn a little faster. I would make sure she got it - fast.

 

And yes, it will be miserable for a short time. But, it's been miserable for a long time, so you might as well face the misery and change it to a situation you like.

 

To me - sleep is so EXCEEDINGLY important to the health of kids so I take it very seriously. Kids need sleep. YOU need sleep. YOU need time with DH - for you, him and the health of your family. You can do it.

 

Thank you so much for your advice. Great by the way! I like actually listing what she has to gain/loss by her choices. Since she is a visual learner, actually picturing it will be great. I know this will be a hard road, but I am really fed up. Thanks and I am almost excited about tonight!

[LibraryLover]

You say she likes to snuggle and she is stubborn about that...

 

And I am thinking that this is perfectly normal for some folks and not a problem. You might not like it, and I get why some people don't, but I am not sure that this child has a problem...She needs something that doesn't match the family culture/needs, yes. I hoep you figure it out so that everyone gets their needs met.

 

 

Would you feel better to know other children like to snuggle at night? :D My youngest (& all of my kids when they were younger) likes to snuggle to fall asleep...there is nothing at all wrong with her. She is a smart & delightful young girl.

 

She sometimes goes to my bed to wait for her story. She sometimes falls asleep there and I move her to her bed, or her Dad does. Most nights, we read together in my bed. She is more of a night owl, so sometimes I get to bed first, with book or laptop, and she comes in later.

 

All of our children liked company to fall asleep at this age, and now, *none* of the other children need us at all at night. Funny how that happens.

[Jenstet]

My niece, when she lived with us, had ome major issues. One of them was being unable to fall asleep. We had her on melatonin and I think it helped get her to sleep but it didn't help the problem of getting up during the night. She would get up and go get something to eat, watch TV, play games in her room and then be a bear the next day affecting the rest of the family. Sometimes she would sneak into our room and fall asleep at the foot of the bed. She was very quiet and we were sometimes unaware of what she was doing at night. here is what we did.

 

We bought one of those driveway alarms that lets you know when someone has driven up your driveway and attached it in her doorway. Basically a motion detector. The base was in our room so when the buzzer went off we knew to get up and walk her back to her room. Things got much better after that. There were times when she would have a few weeks of sleeplessness and we would have to walk her back more than usual but all together we felt better knowing she wasn't waking the other kids or getting a pay off such as watching TV.

[LoveBaby]

At our house, getting out of bed (without a good reason) costs a dollar.

 

ETA: is she having lots of trouble falling asleep? DS7 needs melatonin to help him fall asleep, or he's up for hours and hours after bedtime.

 

Wow--I sound like an awesome mom in this post. I drug my kids and then steal their money!

 

:lol:

 

My 10yo DD doesn't fall asleep easily or quickly either, so I'm curious about the melatonin. We do allow her to read in her room with a booklight and a cup of chamomile tea, but she can't leave her room.

[NanceXToo]

If you are sure it isn't being done out of fear, then do what you have to do.

 

But I would make sure. And if it IS out of fear, I would tread carefully. She will remember for the rest of her life whether she was comforted, or left alone and scared under threat to not leave her room (I know from first hand experience and I see at least a few others in this thread do, too).

 

That feeling of being terrified and having someone mad at you for it and refusing to let you go to them for comfort- it never, ever ever goes away. It'll stay with her a lot longer than a few more months or even a year or two of being left to wander into your room will stay with either of you.

[Starr]

I've given the speech, "You don't have to sleep but you have to stay in your bed with your head on the pillow." Dd has a hard time sleeping. She listens to a well loved audio story as she falls asleep and turns it on if she wakes up. Music does not work and a story that she doesn't know well just keeps her awake. Make a plan. Be consistent. Good luck! :grouphug:

[Denise Allen]

I would not let her sleep in anyone else's bed. Period.

If she is just not tired- maybe let her listen to music with headphones (calm)

or read with a dim night light- that always helps my 13 yr. old fall asleep.

 

If you believe she is afraid let her keep her door cracked open (once you go to bed).

 

Other than that, I would use some type of negative discipline.

 

 

** I would also not let her sleep in in the morning. Make her get up early enough so she IS tired by bed time.

** Also, I would make sure you are not expecting her to go to bed too early.

Edited October 19, 2010 by Denise Allen

[kokotg]

:lol:

 

My 10yo DD doesn't fall asleep easily or quickly either, so I'm curious about the melatonin. We do allow her to read in her room with a booklight and a cup of chamomile tea, but she can't leave her room.

 

 

We use the chewable tablets from Trader Joe's and cut them in half, so it's a really low dose. Works like magic. I hate giving it to him so often, but I haven't seen any evidence that it's harmful, and I really don't know what else to do. This is a kid who slept with a pacifier until he was SIX because he would take hours and hours to fall asleep without it. And no matter how late he stays up, he's the first kid awake the next morning.

 

(also, just to defend my honor as a mother, I do consider being scared to be a "good reason" for getting out of bed and would not charge anyone a dollar for that. It's for general dragging bedtime out as long as possible with endless requests for water, warmer or cooler temperatures, fewer/more covers, sneaking into the other room to talk with brothers, etc.)

[lisamarie]

My DD5 is scared of the dark and scared to sleep by herself in her room. I was the same way as a kid. I had my own room, but 3 out of 4 nights, I would crawl into bed with my sister in her room because something scared me at night. Maybe a sleeping bag in one of her brothers' rooms would be an okay solution if it is a fear thing???

 

I haven't tried this out yet, but I will if my DD5 pulls another one of her 10pm parties. I just read it in a Danny Silk book.

 

When his kids were 5 and 7 and were being loud and not sleeping at bedtime, he opened the door and asked if they were tired. When they said no, he got them out of bed and had 1 sweep the garage and 1 sweep the front porch. When they were done, he asked if they were tired, and they said yes because they weren't stupid. Every night after, all he had to do was ask if they were tired and they'd shout yes! because they didn't want to do more chores. 5 years later he heard them being loud and all he had to ask was if they were tired and they shouted back "yes!" because they remembered what would happen if they weren't quiet.

 

My DD5 was a real bear of a kid with bedtime. She would play until 10 or 11pm, she would wake up in the middle of the night and play. I ended up having to put her door knob backwards and lock her in her room because I would wake up in the morning to our sunroom door unlocked because she'd been in there in the middle of the night (from there it's just a screen door between her and the outside world). And one morning I woke up to find my then 5 month old in her crib with just about every toy we owned on top of her. It was just too dangerous to not lock DD in her room.

 

It wasn't until she started school this September that she started falling asleep right away. She was more active in the mornings and stopped napping altogether (before it was hit and miss). One day a few weeks ago she fell asleep during quiet time and was up until 11pm that night. I now tell her she is not allowed to nap.

[lisabelle]

I have to say, I was very heartened to read all the compassionate responses here.

 

When I was 5 years old, my 16 yo sister who I shared a room with had a horrible fight with my mom and moved out very suddenly. I didn't make the connection at the time, but once she was gone I was TERRIFIED sleeping in my room alone.

 

My parents slept separately--my dad in the bed, my mom on the couch. And my dad let me sleep with him every night until I was 10. Then I was allowed to come in and sleep on the floor if I was having trouble.

 

He's gone now. It's been 10 years since he passed away from metastatic melanoma. Some of my best memories of him are the compassion he showed me at a stressful time in my life and the patience he had for me to work it out for myself.

 

In his honor, I try very hard to give ds (11) the same kind of bedtime compassion and patience.