Bullying Update -- it's not good --

[unsinkable]

At the end of last year, the boys who were bullying DS (10th gr) were told not to have any contact with him again.

 

It had no effect on one of them in particular. He had kids tell DS that he's been waiting at his locker to mess with him but that DS is avoiding him. DS is going about his life -- talking to teachers, putting his instrument away, etc...

 

Last night DS was teary-eyed, asking me why does he hate him? DS never has anything to do with this kid. This morning, I called the VP to let him know that DS is hearing stuff from other kids about how the bully wants to mess with him. The VP said he'd talk to DS b/c we don't know for sure the bully said that, only that other kids said he said that.

 

Today, after school at the lockers, the bully came up behind DS and humped him. DS pushed him away, the kid did it again. DS pushed him away a second time and the kid stopped.

 

As soon as DS finished telling me I called the VP right away and left him a message about what happened. I am SO GLAD that I had called this morning and told him what had happened until this point. So now it is clear that the bully was planning this all along.

[Mandy in TN]

Disgusting.

 

Does this school not have a bullying policy?

Mandy

[Parrothead]

That is sexual harassment. I'd see what the school policy for sexual harassment is - especially if there were witnesses.

[Gratia271]

That is terrible! I cannot fathom why this behavior is tolerated.

[Guest ME-Mommy]

In my experience, in OUR local PS, a bullying policy is in effect. However, getting anyone to enforce the policy is another thing... :glare:

 

They might as well NOT have one...

[ChristusG]

Ugh. Bullying is really just a horrible thing. I hope that the school does something to protect your son.

[k2bdeutmeyer]

In my experience, in OUR local PS, a bullying policy is in effect. However, getting anyone to enforce the policy is another thing... :glare:

 

They might as well NOT have one...

 

My experience has been the same.

[Mrs Mungo]

That is sexual harassment. I'd see what the school policy for sexual harassment is - especially if there were witnesses.

 

:iagree: And I would push this. The school probably has more stringent rules on sexual harassment.

[justasque]

:iagree: And I would push this. The school probably has more stringent rules on sexual harassment.

 

:iagree:

And, if I'm right that this has been an ongoing problem, you might want to throw the word "lawyer" around. Kids who have been similarly harassed have sued, and won seriously big settlements. Your district would be foolish not to address the issue.

[Home'scool]

I am sorry you are dealing with this. There really is no worse feeling .....

 

I am also glad you are in touch with the school. I had an incident last year with my then 8th grade dd. Some girls stole her cellphone and texted a bunch of boys some disgusting texts pretending to be her. When she reported her phone missing and who had it she immediately was threatened by these girls on facebook.

 

The next day I went in to the school and I didn't so much let them tell me what they were going to do as tell them what I wanted. I was nice, but firm. I said that I wanted a meeting with all the girls and with the parents. And I wanted it set up immediately. Did the old "I think it is best if we nip this right in the bud, don't you agree?" stuff. The principle agreed to the girls meeting, but didn't want the parents there. He said he would mediate. I agreed, but didn't budge on the point of having it happen immediately (i.e. within 24 hours -- non negotiable) I also said I wanted all her teachers brought up to speed on this situation just so they could keep an extra eye out of the players involved.

 

The main point that I told to everyone was that I wanted my daughter to HAVE A VOICE.

 

I explained to her that she will never be able to control when someone decides to annoy, harass or bully her, but that she will always have the ability to speak up for herself.

 

I told the principle I wanted her to have a chance to sit down with these girls and tell them that what they did stinks, was embarrassing and obnoxious. She told them that she does not do things to them that interfere with their lives and that she expects the same. It was a pretty powerful meeting from what my dd and the principle tells me. There is nothing like looking someone in the eye and telling them how what they did affected you. Two of the girls ended up in tears, apologized profusely, and even IM'd a month later to apologize again. One girl was the toughest and wouldn't budge, but I could have predicted that from her because she was the only girl whose parents would not get involved. Regardless, none of these girls ever even looked cross-eyed at my daughter again.

 

I would insist on a meeting with all the players involved as soon as possible. And I would coach your son on how to face them and tell them what he thinks about this whole situation. Most bullies never really have to sit down and explain themselves to their victims. It usually makes them feel foolish.

 

Hope that this resolves soon for you.

[Jen+4dc]

:iagree: And I would push this. The school probably has more stringent rules on sexual harassment.

 

If the VP refuses to do anything I'd escalate to the superintendent of your school district. (My sis had to do this with a situation with her ds). I'd also cc all the school board members and have the letter delivered certified mail. This informs the school that you are absolutely serious and will not back down in defending your son from disgusting, inappropriate behavior.

 

As a last resort, I'd threaten to sue for sexual harrassment. I hate to be so harsh, but after this incident if nothing is done I'd escalate, go up the chain of command as we say in the military;).

 

:grouphug: to you and your son. Bullying is evil.

[Sophia]

:iagree:

And, if I'm right that this has been an ongoing problem, you might want to throw the word "lawyer" around. Kids who have been similarly harassed have sued, and won seriously big settlements. Your district would be foolish not to address the issue.

 

:iagree:

 

I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to find cases where schools have been held accountable for failure to protect their students...look them up and use them as examples of what you are prepared to do if they fail to act...QUICKLY!

[Alexandra]

I had a problem once with my ps years ago. I called a different school district and told them about my problem and would they consider giving my the tools and right words to address the problem that I was dealing with. The head of the department told me that I had the right to the services my son needed and to simply say "XYZ".

With the magic words I was able to get exactly what I needed.

If you called a neighboring district and emphasize that your problem is not with them but that you need help...I think they might give you some tools with which to combat this terrible situation.

I am disgusted and mortified by this situation and would take this as a huge threat to my child. Had the boy done this to a girl his a$$ would have been in police custody.

No double standards.

[Jen+4dc]

I am disgusted and mortified by this situation and would take this as a huge threat to my child. Had the boy done this to a girl his a$$ would have been in police custody.

No double standards.

:iagree:

[mama2cntrykids]

That's nasty:glare:. What's wrong with that kid? I hope you and your son get the help that you need. No one should have to put up with bullying. Keep us posted.

[Tree House Academy]

I really pray that you meant to say he "JUMPED" your son and not "HUMPED" your son. Please tell me that was just a typo. If it wasn't, Oh my!

[Heather in AL]

Bullying is one of the *main* reasons we started hsing. It was horrible in 5th grade, and I didn't see it getting any better.

 

I agree with the others in that you need to emphasize the s*xual harassment part of this. Threaten to get an attorney involved AND the media. And, like someone else said, mention the double standard if this isn't seen as serious; if your ds was a dd, there wouldn't have been an eye batted at hauling the perv's butt in.

 

Were there witnesses? If not, does the school have cameras in the hallway? Cameras are what backed my ds up when he said the other boy sucker punched him in the hall. The boy denied it, but the cameras caught it.

 

Don't let this go away. Fight it. Your ds is hurting and is probably embarrassed and wondering what this idiot is planning next.

 

I am *so* sorry you and your ds are going through this. My heart is aching for the both of you. :grouphug::grouphug: to both of you.

[Harriet Vane]

That is sexual harassment. I'd see what the school policy for sexual harassment is - especially if there were witnesses.

 

:iagree:

[Tree House Academy]

The more I look at how close the J and H are on the keyboard, the more I really think this was a typo in her OP.

[hsmom]

I do think it was the "humped" not "jumped". I have seen a lot of kids do this gesture to others. It is down right wrong and when I see it I say something. So many tend to look the other way. This is what happens in most ps.

 

Bullying got so bad for my son when he was in the 3rd grade that the principal and no one would do anything. So, we told my son to stop backing down. So needless to say he stood up for himself and the bully has left him alone since. Now at the point that my son stood up for himself he got in trouble. We went to the school for a meeting and right in front of all of them I told them I am proud of him and he did the right thing. Since they did nothing to help him, he helped himself. Of course they did not like that he got detention and such. I made it clear that if this happened again to him I expect him to do the same thing again. Well now the school addresses our problems now not later.

 

Now I would go straight to the VP let him know that this has gone on too long and that you are now going to consult a lawyer and take this matter up with the Superintendent. Or that you are going to take your child to self defense classes to learn to defend himself if they will not.

 

Now this is just us, and I know many of you will not agree with it. It is just how we had to do it.

[Tree House Academy]

I do think it was the "humped" not "jumped". I have seen a lot of kids do this gesture to others. It is down right wrong and when I see it I say something. So many tend to look the other way. This is what happens in most ps.

 

Bullying got so bad for my son when he was in the 3rd grade that the principal and no one would do anything. So, we told my son to stop backing down. So needless to say he stood up for himself and the bully has left him alone since. Now at the point that my son stood up for himself he got in trouble. We went to the school for a meeting and right in front of all of them I told them I am proud of him and he did the right thing. Since they did nothing to help him, he helped himself. Of course they did not like that he got detention and such. I made it clear that if this happened again to him I expect him to do the same thing again. Well now the school addresses our problems now not later.

 

Now I would go straight to the VP let him know that this has gone on too long and that you are now going to consult a lawyer and take this matter up with the Superintendent. Or that you are going to take your child to self defense classes to learn to defend himself if they will not.

 

Now this is just us, and I know many of you will not agree with it. It is just how we had to do it.

 

I guess I am just HOPING not. I know exactly what you are talking about with the humping gesture...I just can't see how a bully doing that to his victim really gets the bully much respect, though. If I watched a bully "hump" another child of the same sex, I would have thought the bully must be gay and likely asked him if that is why he did it. I would assume that this would NOT be the effect the bully would have wanted. :001_huh:

[simka2]

That is sexual harassment. I'd see what the school policy for sexual harassment is - especially if there were witnesses.

 

 

It comes right up to the line of assault. Not a word to be thrown around lightly, but this needs to be taken care of!!!! And if the school doesn't deal with this in a MAJOR way...I'm getting a lawyer!!!! and a counselor :glare:.

 

For your ds...I am so sorry. This is not his fault!!!! He hasn't done anything to deserve this treatment!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I guess I am just HOPING not. I know exactly what you are talking about with the humping gesture...I just can't see how a bully doing that to his victim really gets the bully much respect, though. If I watched a bully "hump" another child of the same sex, I would have thought the bully must be gay and likely asked him if that is why he did it. I would assume that this would NOT be the effect the bully would have wanted. :001_huh:

 

He's not doing it to get respect. He's doing it to have power - same as someone who r*pes.

[simka2]

I guess I am just HOPING not. I know exactly what you are talking about with the humping gesture...I just can't see how a bully doing that to his victim really gets the bully much respect, though. If I watched a bully "hump" another child of the same sex, I would have thought the bully must be gay and likely asked him if that is why he did it. I would assume that this would NOT be the effect the bully would have wanted. :001_huh:

 

 

It's about dominance and humilation, and powerlessness.

Edited September 15, 2010 by simka2
adding

[Barry Goldwater]

It comes right up to the line of assault. Not a word to be thrown around lightly, but this needs to be taken care of!!!! And if the school doesn't deal with this in a MAJOR way...I'm getting a lawyer!!!! and a counselor :glare:.

 

For your ds...I am so sorry. This is not his fault!!!! He hasn't done anything to deserve this treatment!

 

 

And I would start throwing around the S*XUAL PREDATOR label too, if they won't see the gravity of this...how would this punk like THAT label for the rest of his life?

[Dobela]

If you know the name of the child, you can also file a police report outside of the school - or at least here you can. Our local police do not take it lightly when parents file a report of harassment of one teen towards another. They can be charged with more than one violation, and some violations can follow them after they turn 18.

[freethinkermama]

I guess I am just HOPING not. I know exactly what you are talking about with the humping gesture...I just can't see how a bully doing that to his victim really gets the bully much respect, though. If I watched a bully "hump" another child of the same sex, I would have thought the bully must be gay and likely asked him if that is why he did it. I would assume that this would NOT be the effect the bully would have wanted. :001_huh:

 

I wouldn't assume any gender orientation about the bully. I'd assume that he was trying to humiliate the kid he was "humping" by making him look to be on the receiving end. Sexual harassment is about humiliating someone else and taking their power away. In fact, if the bully were gay, I'd assume he was closeted or in denial. Most gay kids walk pretty straight to avoid being made the victims of bullies because they're often in the cross-hairs. Another way of disempowering the boy he's bullying--putting a new label on his back.

[Rosie_0801]

Bullying got so bad for my son when he was in the 3rd grade that the principal and no one would do anything. So, we told my son to stop backing down. So needless to say he stood up for himself and the bully has left him alone since. Now at the point that my son stood up for himself he got in trouble. We went to the school for a meeting and right in front of all of them I told them I am proud of him and he did the right thing. Since they did nothing to help him, he helped himself. Of course they did not like that he got detention and such. I made it clear that if this happened again to him I expect him to do the same thing again. Well now the school addresses our problems now not later.

 

 

Mmm. In my experience, pain is the only thing that stops kids like this. The sort of pain caused by the victim's hand connecting with the bully's head. Isn't it odd that the only thing that will cure most of these problems is now banned, and instead we have to go through procedures and hope they will eventuate in something.

 

Rosie

[unsinkable]

I'm back from taking kiddos to activities & having dinner.

 

I won't be able to answer individually but to clarify a few things:

 

It was not a typo -- the bully stood behind DS & humped my DS.

 

Last year, we were told that there would be zero tolerance if the bully interacted with DS at all. The bully would be suspended. So we'll see if they really do that.

 

It is a private boys school -- so I guess I'd go to the Diocese if the school does nothing?

 

There were witnesses. DS says they were standing around laughing. After DS shoved the bully away twice, the bully did it to another boy. Poor DS said he couldn't even talk and he feels so badly that he didn't do anything to help the other kid.

 

I told DS that he was probably in shock and it's understandable that he couldn't bring himself to do anything.

[Impish]

I'd have the lil *badword* arrested for sexual assault. See how he enjoys being humped by someone bigger. :D But I'm evil that way. You don't sexually assault someone and get away with it as far as I'm concerned.

[unsinkable]

Mmm. In my experience, pain is the only thing that stops kids like this. The sort of pain caused by the victim's hand connecting with the bully's head. Isn't it odd that the only thing that will cure most of these problems is now banned, and instead we have to go through procedures and hope they will eventuate in something.

 

Rosie

 

One of DS's teacher's from last year had told me that we had raised a nice Catholic boy who turned the other check and forgave 77 x7 but now it was time for DS to get in the bully's face and tell him to back off. And if it got physical, so be it.

 

ETA: I might not have phrased this in the clearest manner but the teacher wanted DS to stop turning the other cheek and fight back.

Edited September 16, 2010 by unsinkable

[Rosie_0801]

One of DS's teacher's from last year had told me that we had raised a nice Catholic boy who turned the other cheek and forgave 77 x7 but now it was time for DS to get in the bully's face and tell him to back off. And if it got physical, so be it.

 

Evidence indicates God granted us a limited amount of cheeks...

 

Rosie

[NanceXToo]

You know. I'd call the police and tell them your son was sexually harassed at school by this teen and you want them to go and talk to him and his parents.

 

Maybe THAT would scare him off a bit more than the school would.

 

You can also let the school know in no uncertain terms that you're doing so/have done so, so that this will be on record, and that as far as you are concerned, your son has been both bullied and sexually harassed and they'd better take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that it never happens again, or a lawyer will be your next phone call.

[Dobela]

You know. I'd call the police and tell them your son was sexually harassed at school by this teen and you want them to go and talk to him and his parents.

 

Maybe THAT would scare him off a bit more than the school would.

 

You can also let the school know in no uncertain terms that you're doing so/have done so, so that this will be on record, and that as far as you are concerned, your son has been both bullied and sexually harassed and they'd better take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that it never happens again, or a lawyer will be your next phone call.

:iagree: Right now that bully thinks he has gotten away with his actions. He needs some consequences. I would also threaten the school with a lawsuit should it continue.

[MyBlueLobsters]

You know. I'd call the police and tell them your son was sexually harassed at school by this teen and you want them to go and talk to him and his parents.

 

Maybe THAT would scare him off a bit more than the school would.

 

You can also let the school know in no uncertain terms that you're doing so/have done so, so that this will be on record, and that as far as you are concerned, your son has been both bullied and sexually harassed and they'd better take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that it never happens again, or a lawyer will be your next phone call.

 

In an INSTANT I would do this. Not acceptable.

[Dobela]

Also, if you haven't already, you need to be documenting everything right now. Who you talk to, when you talked to them, when your son was bullied and who witnessed, and so on. If kids are laughing they can also be considered an accomplice.

[Jen+4dc]

You know. I'd call the police and tell them your son was sexually harassed at school by this teen and you want them to go and talk to him and his parents.

 

Maybe THAT would scare him off a bit more than the school would.

 

You can also let the school know in no uncertain terms that you're doing so/have done so, so that this will be on record, and that as far as you are concerned, your son has been both bullied and sexually harassed and they'd better take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that it never happens again, or a lawyer will be your next phone call.

:iagree:

 

:iagree: Right now that bully thinks he has gotten away with his actions. He needs some consequences. I would also threaten the school with a lawsuit should it continue.

:iagree:

 

Also, if you haven't already, you need to be documenting everything right now. Who you talk to, when you talked to them, when your son was bullied and who witnessed, and so on. If kids are laughing they can also be considered an accomplice.

:iagree::iagree: Document EVERYTHING.

[Gwenhwyfar]

Mmm. In my experience, pain is the only thing that stops kids like this. The sort of pain caused by the victim's hand connecting with the bully's head. Isn't it odd that the only thing that will cure most of these problems is now banned, and instead we have to go through procedures and hope they will eventuate in something.

 

Rosie

 

i was bullied off and on through my school experience - i finally had enough one day and punched a guy in the nose after he barked at me and grabbed my @ss.

 

he didn't bug me again.

[jujsky]

That is sexual harassment. I'd see what the school policy for sexual harassment is - especially if there were witnesses.

 

:iagree: If you can get them to enforce sexual harassment policies against this kid that will be A LOT more embarrassing and difficult to live down than bullying. I'm very sorry your DS is going through this.

[Photo Ninja]

I'm sorry that your ds is going through this, but I applaud you for standing up for him.

 

It sounds like you will see this through. If the determination last year was suspension if this bully contacted your ds, then the bully must be suspended. I wouldn't accept anything less. There is no excuse for bullying.

[joannqn]

I agree with those that suggest filing a police report for sexual assault. Since this has been an ongoing problem with this kid and the school has not been able to stop it, it is time to get the assistance of someone outside the school who can help.

 

 

I was sexually harassed by a boy in jr. high. He would run up from behind in the halls or at my locker and grab my @ss. We shared an art class together and he sat in the last row by the sinks and would grab me when I went to wash my brushes or hands. The school didn't do anything so my feisty mother went into the office and told the VP that she had given me permission to whatever it took to stop this boy since they hadn't. Well, one day I saw him coming for me at my locker. A well-placed kick in the groin as he went to grab me stopped him in his tracks. He turned and ran the other way any time he saw me in the halls after that. I didn't get in trouble for it either. These days, though, self-defense would get a kid in trouble.

[Gwenhwyfar]

I agree with those that suggest filing a police report for sexual assault. Since this has been an ongoing problem with this kid and the school has not been able to stop it, it is time to get the assistance of someone outside the school who can help.

 

 

I was sexually harassed by a boy in jr. high. He would run up from behind in the halls or at my locker and grab my @ss. We shared an art class together and he sat in the last row by the sinks and would grab me when I went to wash my brushes or hands. The school didn't do anything so my feisty mother went into the office and told the VP that she had given me permission to whatever it took to stop this boy since they hadn't. Well, one day I saw him coming for me at my locker. A well-placed kick in the groin as he went to grab me stopped him in his tracks. He turned and ran the other way any time he saw me in the halls after that. I didn't get in trouble for it either. These days, though, self-defense would get a kid in trouble.

 

i just posted a similar bit about a guy :laugh:

 

maybe it's wrong but i think that sometimes it's worth the risk of "getting in trouble" to get the message through to a bully that it's DONE.

[Gratia271]

Evidence indicates God granted us a limited amount of cheeks...

 

Rosie

:iagree:

 

I attended a private school, where a "troubled pastor's kid" slammed my head into a desk. My mother went directly to the principal where she was informed that we needed to be good examples, turn the other cheek, and understand he was troubled. Nevermind I needed dental work because of the future sociopath.

 

 

You know. I'd call the police and tell them your son was sexually harassed at school by this teen and you want them to go and talk to him and his parents.

 

Maybe THAT would scare him off a bit more than the school would.

 

You can also let the school know in no uncertain terms that you're doing so/have done so, so that this will be on record, and that as far as you are concerned, your son has been both bullied and sexually harassed and they'd better take whatever steps are necessary to ensure that it never happens again, or a lawyer will be your next phone call.

:iagree:

[BanyanTreeMama]

Ok, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but what ever happened to getting things done the old fashioned way? How old is your DS, OP? I think if he's close to manhood, he should demand that he be respected. And getting humped it way disrespectful. To be honest, if this were happening to my son, I would tell him that the next time the bully does this he turn around and give him nice hard punch in the face.

[Audrey]

:iagree: If you can get them to enforce sexual harassment policies against this kid that will be A LOT more embarrassing and difficult to live down than bullying. I'm very sorry your DS is going through this.

:iagree: Also, issues of sexual harrassment and abuse are being VERY closely scrutinized by dioceses all over the world right now. Express upon them the gravity of this situation in the context of it being a sexual attack/harrassment. Keep stating "sexual harrassement" or "sexual attack" over and over again until something is done to remove that boy from the school. If it is a private school, they are under no obligation to keep him around.

[Hockey Mom]

I'm so sorry your DS had to endure this. :(

 

Unfortunately, with a lot of private schools they're looking at the tuition they'll lose if they raise too much a fuss with the bully's parents. BTDT with my two little boys. It wasn't sexual harassment, as in your DS's case, but one boy was the culprit of many, many difficult days. This one boy actually changed my youngest DS's personality! He went from being a sweet, loving boy to being angry all of the time. And my DS7 found himself in the position of 'protector' for his younger brother. If this bully wasn't after my boys, he was after other kids in the classes. The teachers were powerless to do anything, and the office refused to deal with the problem. Even if we could have afforded to keep our boys in private school, they would have been going to a different school the following year. My kids aren't some 'social experiment' for an uncaring school. And neither is your DS. FORCE this school's hand. Even if that means a call to the police or media.

[Hockey Mom]

Ok, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but what ever happened to getting things done the old fashioned way? How old is your DS, OP? I think if he's close to manhood, he should demand that he be respected. And getting humped it way disrespectful. To be honest, if this were happening to my son, I would tell him that the next time the bully does this he turn around and give him nice hard punch in the face.

 

This is kind of what we had to teach our boys when they were 4 & 5 years old dealing with a bully. We've told them repeatedly, "you don't start the fight, but you finish it." And this was also why my DS7 was in trouble almost every day in Kindergarten - for physically dealing with the bully who picked on his younger brother.

[Perry]

I've previously posted about the way my son's school handled a bullying issue last year, copied here:

 

My son had a bullying issue earlier this year, and I was very, very happy with how the school handled it. The offender sat at the same table as my son in several classes, so he was moved across the room. He was also held after each class until passing time was over, so he could have no interaction with anyone during mod changes. His parents were notified. Each teacher was to monitor his behavior and they had weekly meetings to discuss progress and problems. If he had even one more complaint against him, from my son, other kids, or teachers, he was going to be suspended for 3 days. There have been no further problems.

 

I'd ask the principal to have someone "babysit" this bully. He should be accompanied by an adult at all times that he isn't supervised by a teacher in class. If they aren't willing to do that, I'd threaten them with legal action.

 

:grouphug: Bullying really stinks.

[jenL]

You need to go after this kid. I do not like the "turn the other cheek" line you received by a staff member because they are excusing the bully's behavior. In NO WAY and not under ANY circumstances should sexual harassment (which is exactly what this was) be tolerated. To not pursue this is teaching your son that what happened to him is okay. Some things do not deserve to have a cheek turned. This is one of them.

 

BTW, I was a middle school teacher, and a school will do all they can to sweep things under the rug for as long as they can, especially the schools that "claim" to have a bullying policy. Our school claimed this, but far too much was tolerated by the administration. I would have to say it's even more prevalent in private schools, IME.

[AuntieM]

Given the extremely humiliating nature of this harrassment, I think you should demand swift and decisive action. Yes, threaten a lawsuit.

 

I am so angry on your behalf, I dare not type anything more. It is beyond MamaBear time. It is power suit, police report, copy the school board Erin Mama Brockovich time.