Succesfully changing a bad attitude (LONG)

[rookie]

I hate to admit it, but after much soul-searching I have decided that:

 

I. AM. THE. PROBLEM.

 

Embarrassing but true.

 

I SEE my dc's bad attitude, critical/bickering, eye-rolling little selves and get on them about it. Guess what? It's my fault.

 

I sound exasperated/aggravated/impatient ALL. OF. THE. TIME. I think it has become a habit and I have not been aware of it until now. But now it is staring me in the face and I feel overwhelmed by the effort it will take to CHANGE ME and stop trying to change them.

 

It's real easy to preach "take the log out of your own eye" to everyone around you while you leave the redwood in your own eye!

 

I have a redwood. It needs permanent removal. I do not feel capable because this negative mouth of mine and this bad attitude of mine have become like an out-of-control-cancer!

 

Mind you, I know that by all measurable accounts I am a decent mom and certainly a HUGE improvement over my own mom. I also have many valid reasons for my bad behavior that could "excuse" my attitude. But that is UNNACEPTABLE.

 

The buck has to stop here, with me. I get that now. But I have managed to talk the talk and not walk the walk for a dozen years. Now that I see it I am afraid that I have ruined it for my older dc and that it is such a part of me that I will never be able to really change.

 

I am not the mom I want to be.

 

Anyway, if YOU have succesfully and permanently changed YOURSELF (your attitude, reactions, perspective, behavior, etc.) please tell me how you did it. I am open to everything from the supernatural to the practical.

 

If you had older dc, did it make a difference? Were you able to mend things? Is it still a daily struggle?

 

This feels so big that I want to give up before I start. For a few days I have talking to myself about not saying one thing about anyone else in the house and only correcting ME, and I have failed every. single. day.

 

Please do not be nice. I do not need nice. I need help, practical advice, and a huge kick in the arse.

[HomeOnTheRanch]

:bigear:

[babysparkler]

:bigear:

 

Jill, who is trying to pry this redwood out of my own eye...

[Diane in CO]

I am interested in reading the responses as well. I do OK in the morning but by the time evening comes I.Am.Done. and have absolutely zero patience whatsoever.

 

:grouphug: to you, I think there are a lot of us in the same boat.

 

Diane

[Heather in the Kootenays]

What a huge insight!!

 

I think it's true for all of us but that awareness comes and goes.

 

I do OK sometimes but need reminding. So today, I'll work on my part on my family's issues.

[usetoschool]

I think I have, I think and hope, improved my attitude and interactions with my kids to some degree. I used to be a lot more controlling and have expectations of perfection. It took a lot of soul searching about why I was feeling that way, what happened in my life that caused that perspective and a conscious effort to let go of other peoples baggage and expectations. I am very far from getting it right though and really don't have any advice about how to change. Maybe I am just getting older and more mellow. Things are going a lot more smoothly with my youngest.

 

Really, the only reason I posted here is to subscribe to this thread and bump it up, because I am concerned about the damage my mistakes did to my older kids and waiting to see what people have to say about how they might have fixed that and did they fix it. Actually I am just hoping someone will say they did fix it so I can have some hope that I didn't permanently mess them up :glare:

 

Sometimes I want to say to my kids that I wish they had known me before I had kids - I was a much nicer, easy going, fun person. How did I get so crabby and judgmental? :tongue_smilie:

[Dawn in OH]

Wow, I could have written that myself.

 

I've been trying to fix things for quite a while now. My problem is that I wake up in the morning and say to myself, "OK, today is the day. I will stay calm. I will not yell. I will not have a short fuse. We will have a wonderful day. I will be super mom. I will not be critical or have unrealistic expectations."

 

Then I leave my bedroom and find that WWIII has already broken out in the kids room. I'm greeted with growling and fighting and everyone blaming each other or nobody. I get eye rolling, people not doing what they are told, screaming, and everything just goes down hill from there.

 

I keep trying. And you will too. You are not alone. Maybe someone here will have some great advice to offer.

 

:grouphug:

[fairfarmhand]

ugh....

 

I have been there. And I still am there. But I have improved a bit.

 

I gave my kids, especially my oldest who always seems to push my buttons, an apology.

 

I wrote things down that I wanted to change about myself. And I found scripture to back up those changes. I taped index cards over my kitchen sink with those scriptures and meditated on them.

 

I do best when I start each day praying. It generally goes something like this

 

"Father, I give this day to you. Help me get done what you want me to get done and be able to leave the rest. Help me to provoke my family to love and good works (Hebrews 10:24) and not provoke them to anger and frustration. (Colossians 3:21) Help every word I say, thing I do, thought I think and my attitude be pleasing to you."

 

And I started using deep breathing when my kids began to push my buttons.

 

ETA: If you are not a Christian...I have no clue.

[Dana]

This is what I love about this site - it keeps me from feeling so alone!

 

My son said yesterday (and today) that he'd like to go to public school because he thinks the teacher would have more patience. Unfortunately he's right in some ways.

 

So we're taking a few days off.

 

Part of my problem is that I overreact to his attitude instead of just squashing the attitude. It's tough. I'll be interested in other ideas as well. I've tried getting up earlier, going to bed earlier, having a clear schedule, and I think it mainly comes down to him not wanting to do school and me wanting him to be cheerful and excited about school.

 

No unrealistic expectations here! :lol:

 

So thanks for starting the thread. I like knowing other people are dealing with the same stuff I am.

[LizzyBee]

We've had the 21 Rules of This House poster hanging on the wall for years, but no-one pays much attention to it. The communication in our home just gets worse and worse, and my kids don't even recognize disrespect or "tone" in their voices. They've learned bad habits from dh and me, I admit. We both have a sarcastic sense of humor, and I tend to say things sharper than I mean them.

 

I've had it. I am so sick of the yelling, arguing, crying, etc. So yesterday I wrote on our school whiteboard:

 

Rules of this house:

The rules apply to everyone -

there is no age limit.

 

5. We speak quietly and respectfully to each other.

 

For each violation, put $1 in the jar for charity.

 

I set a jar on the fireplace mantle. It has $1 in it so far - from me. :D

 

After we get in the habit of speakly softly to each other, we'll work on another rule.

 

My oldest dd (who happens to be my mouthy kid) told me this morning that the kids (herself included) will be speaking nicely while trying to provoke the other kids into messing up. I told her that misses the whole point of the exercise and violates other rules such as putting the interests of others above our own. I guess we'll see how this goes.

[Food4Thought]

:grouphug::grouphug:

 

Isn't admitting that you have a problem the first step in changing it? I think you are amazing for starting this thread.

 

I'm definitely not changed, but I have struggled in the past with anger issues with my DH - giving him the cold shoulder for DAYS at a time over some minor thing he said to me. That *has* changed. I know it seems strange, but it's because I read a book: Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. There were several different ideas presented in the book - but for me the thoughts on labelling your emotions before they take over and overcoming anger made a HUGE difference. I had never been taught about my emotions before. I let them control my life. Now I know how to control them. (Some of the time :tongue_smilie:)

[myfunnybunch]

I. AM. THE. PROBLEM.

 

:grouphug:

 

Wow. You're very brave to take that hard a look. Not many people can do that, and that step in itself is a huge part of changing. Well done.

 

I get up every day and decide, "Today, I will be happy."

 

Not "Today I won't be crabby."

 

Today I will be cheerful even when I don't want to be. I will say yes to reasonable requests even when I don't want to deal with the mess or bother. I back up and try again when I am crabby--after all, that's what I expect the kids to do. I apologize, a lot. I try to set the kids up for success by giving them rest when they need it and planning fun things to do together. I look for the pay-off. When I see a brother being kind instead of snappy, a child delighted by getting to do something he wants, calm kids who speak respectfully I remember to validate their behavior and inwardly remind myself that it is worth the effort to keep trying to change.

 

So now things are all sunshine and roses at my house.

 

*snort*

 

So, I'm not perfect, but I figure modeling THIS kind of change will be huge for my children as they navigate their way into adulthood.

 

Cat

[melissel]

I don't have any advice but will :lurk5: so I can come back and read this later. You're definitely not alone in this! I got the snappiness and attitude from my dad, and now I'm passing it along to my girls, something I swore I would not do :( Be kind to yourself :grouphug:

[woolybear]

This thread has definitely touched something in me. I don't know if I would've put it that strongly, but I do see I am part of the problem. I need to contemplate this more before I really post, but one thing I want to mention. Just today I heard myself telling ds to be more patient with his brother. Not long after I said, "I am out of patience with you." Definitely needs work here too.

[Meriwether]

I used to hate it when my dad lost his temper - he could be foul. I am horrified that I do that to my kids. My husband was at a manager's meeting and his boss had a "talk" with him about a very minor issue yesterday. It bummed my Dh out all day. I realized yesterday that I have "talks" with my kids all the time. They are human; it makes them feel bad when someone disapproves of them. They want to please me and I think they are wonderful - and yet I slam at least one of them every. single. day.:crying:

[muffinmom]

:grouphug: I too struggle with my attitude and tendency toward negative talk/POV.

 

I recently posted the quote below on FB (stole it from SFSOM Pam on these boards). I want to post it within view for as long as it takes. I do think visual reminders help reset your button and can be at least part of your retraining. I think I will also repeat it aloud to myself daily.

 

"I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make a life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture, or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal."--Goethe

[Barry Goldwater]

The buck has to stop here, with me. I get that now. But I have managed to talk the talk and not walk the walk for a dozen years. Now that I see it I am afraid that I have ruined it for my older dc and that it is such a part of me that I will never be able to really change.

 

I am not the mom I want to be.

 

 

 

Halfway there!!!:thumbup1:

 

You cannot change all circumstances...but you CAN control your reaction to them.

 

Prayer, in humility, ask for help.

Recognize your limits...e.g. I am an introvert. I try to avoid situations that try my patience or hurt my attitude if I've been around people all day and I'm de-energized...so I won't schedule 60 minutes of trigonometry with my 14 yr old that day!

Recognize that the moments with your kids are finite...decide to make them all count...you are making their memories

Act, don't react.

Accept your humanity...perfection can't be attained in this life, but striving will achieve the best outcome.

 

good luck!

[Lily of the Valley]

I'm so glad you started this thread. This is something that I struggle with (daily!) and I recently came to the same conclusion you did. I am the problem. No advice here, but I will be reading to see what others suggest.

 

Thank you!

[Gooblink]

OMG! I was going to ask the Hive the same question. Sometimes this place freaks me out.

 

:bigear:

[elfgivas]

the thing that helped more than just about anything else was the book:

 

Peaceful Parents, Peaceful kids. by naomi drew.

 

it not only talks about what will help, but gives you step by step lessons in how to begin change.... with you and with them....

 

its one of those books i think every parent should have on their nightstand....

 

good luck! they are lucky to have a mom who realizes that things need to change....

[kwickimom]

I came to that realization a year or so ago. And I got it from my mother. She is a great mother, but very negative about EVERYTHING. i finally got so sick of it from her, that I put a stop to my own.

 

How I did it? hmmmm. I really dont know. I prayed a LOT. I write in a journal as a place to just get it all out. This may sound wierd, but I read a lot of blogs/books of stories where mothers have lost their children. I pray for them, and I cry along with them, and I thank God for mine that are alive and happy and healthy and it revives me. I make a conscious effort to see the good of every situtation. If I find myself becoming negative I vent. I get online or call a good friend. I get it all out and then I write down or make myself think of some positive things and I feel better.

 

I made a list of some basic simple postivie things to think about. And I read it every morning, sometimes 50 times throughout the day. I have a DH who loves me and my kids and comes home to me every night, he doesnt drink or party and would rather be with me and my kids than hanging with the guys. I have a nice spacious house. I have 3 kids who are alive, healthy, and happy. We can pay our monthly bills. I get to homeschool this year. I have a WONDERFULLY amazing family who are all alive and healthy.....etc

 

Now, me being negative by nature.....all those positive things are things I get negative about. My DH is selfish and often puts himself before me and the kids, my house is in a town I hate and many things need fixed, my kids fight constantly, we never have extra money for fun stuff, my mom can drive me nutso and I hate my IL's........I make it a point to find a basic postive with everything I complain about. I think of it as a little reverse psychology on myself. But when my DH is angering me, I thank Gdd he isnt off cheating or drinking. If my house is angering me, I thank God we havent been one of the millions foreclosed on. If my kids are on my nerves, I think about the mothers that have lost their children and I hug mine and enjoy every stinking second.

 

It works for me and I seriously did a total turnaround. Now, I can barely stand to listen to negativities. :001_smile:

Edited July 15, 2010 by kwickimom
typo

[Rosie_0801]

I am not the mom I want to be.

 

 

Neither is anyone else.

 

If you had older dc, did it make a difference? Were you able to mend things? Is it still a daily struggle?

How much older is older? If they are still bleating on about how dreadful you are when they are 25, you are only half the problem. The other half is their own immaturity and that's not your fault when they are 25.

 

I need help, practical advice, and a huge kick in the arse.

1. Sleep. If I don't sleep, there is nothing but attitude in me to come out. That's not my fault, that's biology. My body needs to sleep and can't be pleasant if it hasn't. The more you deprive me of sleep, the less pleasantness reserves I have to draw on.

 

2. Be impersonal in your rantings. No one can behave properly all the time (see above about sleep requirements!) If you are going to be nuts, be impersonal about it. No one around here pays any attention if I stalk about ranting that I hate everyone and everything. If I was to yell that they, specifically, were the bane of my existence, feelings would be hurt. Around here "I hate everyone and everything" just means "I feel lousy and I'm venting, leave me alone and I'll be fine in a minute, then I will come and cuddle you."

 

3. :chillpill: Stop and think if you really care about what they are doing. Sometimes we get cross about stuff because our mother got cross about it. Sometimes we get cross about stuff because we're in the habit of being cross. Tipping confetti over the carpet really only needs to be responded to by saying "Uh, I can see you guys are having fun. Do vacuum it up when you are finished."

 

4. Tell the kids how to deal with you when you are misbehaving. Something like "Mum, how about you sit down and I'll make you a cup of tea," or "Mum, how about you sit down and I'll finish doing that." Then try to use the same phrases on them when they are getting worked up. "Maths is tricky today, huh? How about you sit there and breath and I'll get you a drink."

 

Most bad moods translate to "Help!! I can't handle this! I can't handle it so much I can't even think of asking for help!" I'm sure it is good for family unity to notice that in each other and try to help.

 

Rosie- being somewhat hypocritical here. That sleep issue is biting us on the bum.

[rookie]

Neither is anyone else.

 

How much older is older? If they are still bleating on about how dreadful you are when they are 25, you are only half the problem. The other half is their own immaturity and that's not your fault when they are 25.

 

1. Sleep. If I don't sleep, there is nothing but attitude in me to come out. That's not my fault, that's biology. My body needs to sleep and can't be pleasant if it hasn't. The more you deprive me of sleep, the less pleasantness reserves I have to draw on.

 

2. Be impersonal in your rantings. No one can behave properly all the time (see above about sleep requirements!) If you are going to be nuts, be impersonal about it. No one around here pays any attention if I stalk about ranting that I hate everyone and everything. If I was to yell that they, specifically, were the bane of my existence, feelings would be hurt. Around here "I hate everyone and everything" just means "I feel lousy and I'm venting, leave me alone and I'll be fine in a minute, then I will come and cuddle you."

 

3. :chillpill: Stop and think if you really care about what they are doing. Sometimes we get cross about stuff because our mother got cross about it. Sometimes we get cross about stuff because we're in the habit of being cross. Tipping confetti over the carpet really only needs to be responded to by saying "Uh, I can see you guys are having fun. Do vacuum it up when you are finished."

 

4. Tell the kids how to deal with you when you are misbehaving. Something like "Mum, how about you sit down and I'll make you a cup of tea," or "Mum, how about you sit down and I'll finish doing that." Then try to use the same phrases on them when they are getting worked up. "Maths is tricky today, huh? How about you sit there and breath and I'll get you a drink."

 

Most bad moods translate to "Help!! I can't handle this! I can't handle it so much I can't even think of asking for help!" I'm sure it is good for family unity to notice that in each other and try to help.

 

Rosie- being somewhat hypocritical here. That sleep issue is biting us on the bum.

 

rosie:

eldest is almost 13.

i do need sleep (newborn here too) but my bad attitude is with me even when i am rested.....it's just worse now.

 

 

rosie + all pps:

i am reading through all of your replies - thank you.

[Cammie]

What about therapy? I have a very, very close friend who has a lot of anger. It comes out mostly when frustrated with her children. I know she is a big shouter and that she also has slapped the girls. She knows it is wrong, she knows she inherited this behavior. She has started in therapy and even I can see the difference in her interactions with her children. One thing she said that has worked for her is a chart. Kind of along the lines of a potty training chart but this one is for mommy. Any time she gets angry in front of the children she gets a black star. If, at the end of the week she only has a few...she gets to go out on a treat with the kids (ice cream or something.) Now, often times, when she is starting to get angy the kids will say "black star" and they all start laughing. The situation is then diffused.

 

The reason therapy is working for her is that she is getting to the route of her problems - not just dealing with the end result. Whether it is anger from your own childhood or frustrations you have in your life now...you need to deal with those - not just the anger that comes out at the end.

 

:grouphug: Good luck on your journey of self discovery! Your kids are lucky to have a mom that can recognize her own problems and want to work on them!

[dtonito3]

you dont know what you are up against. And I too fell into the same boat. We were are reading the 5 love languages of teens at this point but the 5 love languages for kchildren is also good. Unfortunately the prior one has enlightened us , like you, to how our own behavior is mimiced in our kids . It gives great advice on how to turn things around which will will be implementing....check it out!

[dtonito3]

Pray, pray and pray....

 

give yourself time outs

sleep

everyday list 3 things great that happened

when you start feeling angered, take a look at the mirror and say something positive about what is angering you

give yourself a break....we all lose it

 

many women live with a front that everyone sees and another that only the family sees....we are all human and we lose it

 

be ready to be humble and ask forgiveness even from your children...BUT be specific about what you are asking forgiveness for. I find I tend to commit that humiliating action less often .

[LizzyBee]

We've had the 21 Rules of This House poster hanging on the wall for years, but no-one pays much attention to it. The communication in our home just gets worse and worse, and my kids don't even recognize disrespect or "tone" in their voices. They've learned bad habits from dh and me, I admit. We both have a sarcastic sense of humor, and I tend to say things sharper than I mean them.

 

I've had it. I am so sick of the yelling, arguing, crying, etc. So yesterday I wrote on our school whiteboard:

 

Rules of this house:

The rules apply to everyone -

there is no age limit.

 

5. We speak quietly and respectfully to each other.

 

For each violation, put $1 in the jar for charity.

 

I set a jar on the fireplace mantle. It has $1 in it so far - from me. :D

 

After we get in the habit of speakly softly to each other, we'll work on another rule.

 

My oldest dd (who happens to be my mouthy kid) told me this morning that the kids (herself included) will be speaking nicely while trying to provoke the other kids into messing up. I told her that misses the whole point of the exercise and violates other rules such as putting the interests of others above our own. I guess we'll see how this goes.

 

Nine days later, I can't believe this is still working! The jar has $2 in it now. Our house has been so much calmer and the kids are a little more cooperative with each other.

[misidawnrn]

I hate to admit it, but after much soul-searching I have decided that:

 

I. AM. THE. PROBLEM.

 

Embarrassing but true.

 

I SEE my dc's bad attitude, critical/bickering, eye-rolling little selves and get on them about it. Guess what? It's my fault.

 

I sound exasperated/aggravated/impatient ALL. OF. THE. TIME. I think it has become a habit and I have not been aware of it until now. But now it is staring me in the face and I feel overwhelmed by the effort it will take to CHANGE ME and stop trying to change them.

 

It's real easy to preach "take the log out of your own eye" to everyone around you while you leave the redwood in your own eye!

 

I have a redwood. It needs permanent removal. I do not feel capable because this negative mouth of mine and this bad attitude of mine have become like an out-of-control-cancer!

 

Mind you, I know that by all measurable accounts I am a decent mom and certainly a HUGE improvement over my own mom. I also have many valid reasons for my bad behavior that could "excuse" my attitude. But that is UNNACEPTABLE.

 

The buck has to stop here, with me. I get that now. But I have managed to talk the talk and not walk the walk for a dozen years. Now that I see it I am afraid that I have ruined it for my older dc and that it is such a part of me that I will never be able to really change.

 

I am not the mom I want to be.

 

Anyway, if YOU have succesfully and permanently changed YOURSELF (your attitude, reactions, perspective, behavior, etc.) please tell me how you did it. I am open to everything from the supernatural to the practical.

 

If you had older dc, did it make a difference? Were you able to mend things? Is it still a daily struggle?

 

This feels so big that I want to give up before I start. For a few days I have talking to myself about not saying one thing about anyone else in the house and only correcting ME, and I have failed every. single. day.

 

Please do not be nice. I do not need nice. I need help, practical advice, and a huge kick in the arse.

 

How did you get in my head?????? I feel exactly the same way. I think I am mostly a good mom but I am critical and sometimes just plain irritable with DD-6. I love homeschooling and she loves it too but I need to change my attitude before we both hate it and each other!

 

I do wake up everyday and tell myself to relax, be more positive and rewarding in my words and behaviors...sometimes I just don't listen very well!

So, I am going to :bigear: for advice too!

:grouphug:

[juelle]

How did you get in my head?????? I feel exactly the same way. I think I am mostly a good mom but I am critical and sometimes just plain irritable.

 

 

Me, too, to my sorrow. Rookie, thank you for your honesty. I feel this deeply, and I know that mostly I need to lighten up, stop seeing everything in absolutes (if it's not perfect it's utterly disastrous), and have mercy and compassion for myself and my dc.

 

We have been shown great grace and mercy. Let us go and do likewise.

 

(must listen to myself......must listen to myself......must....listen.....)

[sheryl]

I hate to admit it, but after much soul-searching I have decided that:

 

I. AM. THE. PROBLEM.

 

Embarrassing but true.

 

I SEE my dc's bad attitude, critical/bickering, eye-rolling little selves and get on them about it. Guess what? It's my fault.

 

I sound exasperated/aggravated/impatient ALL. OF. THE. TIME. I think it has become a habit and I have not been aware of it until now. But now it is staring me in the face and I feel overwhelmed by the effort it will take to CHANGE ME and stop trying to change them.

 

It's real easy to preach "take the log out of your own eye" to everyone around you while you leave the redwood in your own eye!

 

I have a redwood. It needs permanent removal. I do not feel capable because this negative mouth of mine and this bad attitude of mine have become like an out-of-control-cancer!

 

Mind you, I know that by all measurable accounts I am a decent mom and certainly a HUGE improvement over my own mom. I also have many valid reasons for my bad behavior that could "excuse" my attitude. But that is UNNACEPTABLE.

 

The buck has to stop here, with me. I get that now. But I have managed to talk the talk and not walk the walk for a dozen years. Now that I see it I am afraid that I have ruined it for my older dc and that it is such a part of me that I will never be able to really change.

 

I am not the mom I want to be.

 

Anyway, if YOU have succesfully and permanently changed YOURSELF (your attitude, reactions, perspective, behavior, etc.) please tell me how you did it. I am open to everything from the supernatural to the practical.

 

If you had older dc, did it make a difference? Were you able to mend things? Is it still a daily struggle?

 

This feels so big that I want to give up before I start. For a few days I have talking to myself about not saying one thing about anyone else in the house and only correcting ME, and I have failed every. single. day.

 

Please do not be nice. I do not need nice. I need help, practical advice, and a huge kick in the arse.

 

Plucking the speck out of my own eye here, too! Sheryl <><

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I know I have certainly felt like that more often than not. I can see my bad attitudes reflected in my kids' behavior and it shames me. I often times catch myself being passive-agressive with dh and the kids. I get super upset and mad at them when I feel overworked and pressured to have things done a certain way. Like today, I have been getting ready to have about 20 people from dh's office over to our house tomorrow. I've been running around like a crazy person all day, except for breaks, where I sit at my desk and look at this board. I was yelling and snapping at my kids for the same stuff they do all the time. But, when I realized that it was my sense of having to have everything a certain way that was the problem, I called the boys to me and apologized for being so crabby. DS1 almost made me cry, because then he started apologizing for stuff he's done- like accidentally peeing on the toilet seat! :lol:

[Peela]

I understand you want the kick up the pants, and there is a good place for that, to instigate change, and take some responsibility, and to come out of denial.

 

But then...I think you have to be gentle with yourself. Being a parent IS hard and though the kids never deserve our anger and negativity....the antidote to anger is gentleness, not to keep kicking oneself! If you forgive yourself- not as an excuse to continue your behaviour, but as a genuine act of compassion towards yourself- think what a wonderful example you are setting your kids. They then have permission to forgive themselves when they make mistakes- evne if you get upset with them.

 

I was much less patient when my kids were little...I think I am better with older kids than pre-school age ones. But I have noticed that I have grown over the years. And my kids have strong self esteem. And they do forgive themselves. Lol, sometimes its irritating how much they forgive themselves! But I am happy about it.

 

I think one of the best things is to be able to laugh at yourself, keep a sense of humour, and include the kids in that. So if I am irritable, I will (well, when I am aware enough to and not too caught up) say so, and allow the kids to gently tease me about it too, to a point. If I lost my temper, I will take some space to cool down, go back and make amends. Sometimes apologise if that fees right. I dont pretend I am beyond needing to apologise. I have had many conversations over the years that have gone something like "Gee, I have really been grumpy lately, havent I? I am sorry. I do get annoyed when you do such and such, but I think I over reacted this morning." And then a hug, or accept some eye rolling and exclamations like "oh yeah, you sure were grumpy!" Or, after noticing I have nagged them about their chores a lot, and they have basically been good...I might just spontaneously go and do one of their chores for them.

 

Kids are remarkably resilient. If you tell them what you are noticing in yourself, and say you are sorry, you will melt their dear hearts and they will understand and have compassion. You can even ask for their help to change. My son has a way of telling me when I am actually, genuinely out of line, and being so spot on, I have a lot of respect for his insight. Sometimes when I am upset with dh, ds14 will also offer me insight that just knocks my socks off, and he has done the same with dh.

 

In other words, you are human, your kids are human, and we are all in this human thing together. If you are hard on yourself beyond giving yourself a good slap to wake up out of the dream that it is always someone else's fault that you are grumpy, you just get harder. It sounds like you need some gentleness on yourself, a good cry now and then to soften, and some time not being in the "parent" role so much as just enjoying Being with your kids.

 

As far as cleaning and chores and things go....kids are kids and I often think the trap we as parents- or at least, I can speak for dh and I- fall into, is expecting too much. Expecting more than reality is saying is what is. So if they need reminding a thousand times, they need reminding a thousand times. Anger always bites you first. If they can't do it well alone, do it with them. If they make a mess, follow through on getting them to clean it up straight away. Dont let it slide and then lose your temper 6 hours or a day later when its still not done. Flylady helped me a lot to get a good attitude towards helping kids clean up. First I had to change my own attitude and stop whining and blaming, and clean up my own messes first.

 

I am sure most of us can relate to what you are saying. Its always a work in progress.

[Garga]

Peela, will you adopt me?

 

You always have such a unique view on everything, and I love it.

 

I don't know if you talk fast or slow, but I always read your posts slowly and imagine your voice being calm and soft and slow and gentle.

[5LittleMonkeys]

I didn't read all of the responses but a lot of what Peela said is in line with things I have learned. My biggest leap in becoming a better and more patient parent has been accepting that my children are CHILDREN, not little adults. They forget things, they make messes and don't think to clean them up, they don't notice the bits of toilet paper all over the bathroom floor or the smear of toothpaste in the sink. And yeah, they really do think they dusted well enough. And the answer to "how many times do I have to tell you to ________!" is, "as many times as it takes for me to finally gain the maturity to remember that ________is important."

 

I used to scream and yell a lot. Then I would feel guilty and apologize and promise not to do it again. But I always did it again the very next day. When I think back to those times it still hurts my heart and I am ashamed at my behavior. My children were better behaved than I was. And it was all because things weren't going the way I thought they should go or weren't being done the way I thought they should be done but I wasn't willing to step in and help, I just expected them to do it. Wow, sounds like a spoiled little brat, doesn't it?

 

I don't scream and yell anymore. I do however occasionally feel frustrated and get snappy. When I feel this way I have to try extra hard to remember that my dc are not purposefully trying to p me off, they were just having some fun and didn't realize they were being so loud; that the wet towel on the bed is not the end of the world; that the baby is crying because she hasn't learned to tell me with words whats wrong, not because she is trying to get on my last nerve. I also have learned to recognize the things that really set me off and I have explained to my dc what those things are so that everyone can work together to make sure they don't happen. Once a month we even have a "don't bug Mom day". ;) My dc know that I am human and have bad days and I have told them that I need their help to make sure I don't turn my bad days into everyone's bad day. We try to keep a sense of humor about it and I will say things like, "Okay, I'm getting really frustrated so could someone take the baby upstairs for a little bit before I have a cow!" The response is usually always, "Quick, grab the yung'ins and head for da' hills, mom's gonna explode!" I can't help but laugh, no matter how frustrated I am.

 

If all else fails in keeping your temper or bad mood from effecting your dc, before you start yelling at them for something, imagine that you don't have them anymore. Imagine that they have just blinked out of existence before your very eyes, never to be seen again. I know that sounds pretty morbid but using this mental image helped me on more than one occasion. Instead of yelling I couldn't help but grab them up and hug them and thank God I had them even if they did just break one of my antique plates on accident. That plate was nothing compared to my babies.

 

Try your best, apologize, explain to your dc the changes you are trying to make, ask for their help, tell them there will be setbacks but it won't be their fault. Everyday is a new opportunity to do better than the day before. :grouphug:

[Peela]

Peela, will you adopt me?

 

You always have such a unique view on everything, and I love it.

 

I don't know if you talk fast or slow, but I always read your posts slowly and imagine your voice being calm and soft and slow and gentle.

 

You are sweet. I dont know if I talk fast or slow but I type really fast - trying to keep up with my thoughts before they disappear into oblivion-but then make lots and lots of typos which annoys me no end because I should have just typed more carefully in the first place because it takes so much time to go back in fix them all.

:)

[rookie]

I didn't read all of the responses but a lot of what Peela said is in line with things I have learned. My biggest leap in becoming a better and more patient parent has been accepting that my children are CHILDREN, not little adults. They forget things, they make messes and don't think to clean them up, they don't notice the bits of toilet paper all over the bathroom floor or the smear of toothpaste in the sink. And yeah, they really do think they dusted well enough. And the answer to "how many times do I have to tell you to ________!" is, "as many times as it takes for me to finally gain the maturity to remember that ________is important."

 

I used to scream and yell a lot. Then I would feel guilty and apologize and promise not to do it again. But I always did it again the very next day. When I think back to those times it still hurts my heart and I am ashamed at my behavior. My children were better behaved than I was. And it was all because things weren't going the way I thought they should go or weren't being done the way I thought they should be done but I wasn't willing to step in and help, I just expected them to do it. Wow, sounds like a spoiled little brat, doesn't it?

 

I don't scream and yell anymore. I do however occasionally feel frustrated and get snappy. When I feel this way I have to try extra hard to remember that my dc are not purposefully trying to p me off, they were just having some fun and didn't realize they were being so loud; that the wet towel on the bed is not the end of the world; that the baby is crying because she hasn't learned to tell me with words whats wrong, not because she is trying to get on my last nerve. I also have learned to recognize the things that really set me off and I have explained to my dc what those things are so that everyone can work together to make sure they don't happen. Once a month we even have a "don't bug Mom day". ;) My dc know that I am human and have bad days and I have told them that I need their help to make sure I don't turn my bad days into everyone's bad day. We try to keep a sense of humor about it and I will say things like, "Okay, I'm getting really frustrated so could someone take the baby upstairs for a little bit before I have a cow!" The response is usually always, "Quick, grab the yung'ins and head for da' hills, mom's gonna explode!" I can't help but laugh, no matter how frustrated I am.

 

If all else fails in keeping your temper or bad mood from effecting your dc, before you start yelling at them for something, imagine that you don't have them anymore. Imagine that they have just blinked out of existence before your very eyes, never to be seen again. I know that sounds pretty morbid but using this mental image helped me on more than one occasion. Instead of yelling I couldn't help but grab them up and hug them and thank God I had them even if they did just break one of my antique plates on accident. That plate was nothing compared to my babies.

 

Try your best, apologize, explain to your dc the changes you are trying to make, ask for their help, tell them there will be setbacks but it won't be their fault. Everyday is a new opportunity to do better than the day before. :grouphug:

 

 

I just read this. Thank you. It is very helpful and I will re-read (maybe every day).

[Merry]

that helped me the most to change myself. If I get irritable, cross, etc. for various reasons, then I would try to stop and take a really good look at the people around myself. Look at them and watch the expressions on their faces and really listen to what they are saying beneath their spoken words. I take a few minutes to pay attention to what's going on. That gives me time to calm down and also shows me their side of the story. My heart changes for the better when I think of others more than myself.

 

I agree with the other posters about the triggers. I try to avoid them or work around them. Change my routines or whatever to prevent triggers from happening. Not always possible but it helps a lot. The children and others may know what buttons to push but if I pay attention to what they are doing, their button pushing doesn't work.

[LibraryLover]

Oh! Good thread. I have one who seems to be able to push my buttons, and I sometimes stupidly react. I try not to, but still, it's my problem. You can only change your reactions. I know this, and yet it's hard and there is so much work to do, so many people, activites, and emotional needs to tend. I feel cooked sometimes. But the child who needs the most is the one who least needs a parent who can't quite control her own eye rolling and sighing. :confused::D Sometimes I think, 'If only dc would't ____, then I wouldn't_______" yet it doesn't work that way. We are their model, their rock. I often have the stamina and energy for it, but i often do not. I work very mindfully to be the kind of mother I think my children need. Some personalities are a bit more challening, and one has to work doubly hard. I would never say it's easy.

 

More sensitive children more remember the times you do not have the stamina. I just hope the non-eye-rolling times happen more often than the eye-rolling times, as kids don't remember/realize that the majority of time we don't lose it. They don't know that you controlled yourself. :tongue_smilie: Even grown adults complain about the times their parents yelled at them or lost it with worry. Few grown adults remember or apprciate the times parents didn't freak out even when we knew we were trying to be provocative with words or behavior (I'm talking older kids here, 'teens", not littles) of course.

 

A litlte OT, but parenting can be exhausting, and the NYT, fi, recently manipulated our concerns and innermost thoughts into "Why Parents Hate Parenting" when we are expressive about any of our worries. ;) We don't hate it; it's just not a cakewalk all of the time, and sometimes we're caught off guard, especially at first, at how intense the experience of becomming a parent can be. People fear talking about, or admitting as the OP has, that it's not always simple, and that we all come into the world with certain biological emotional needs/traits/quirks/concerns. Add to that the physical and emotional needs/demands of children, anyone with a heart can begin to understand that being a good/adequate parent takes a great deal of inner work. Sometimes we're up for it, and sometimes we are cooked. Sometimes saying you are cooked has bloggers telling you how lazy and selfish you are. So, I admire the OP's honesty. Better here than to a NYT reporter, eh? :)

Edited July 27, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Guest janainaz]

I understand you want the kick up the pants, and there is a good place for that, to instigate change, and take some responsibility, and to come out of denial.

 

But then...I think you have to be gentle with yourself. Being a parent IS hard and though the kids never deserve our anger and negativity....the antidote to anger is gentleness, not to keep kicking oneself! If you forgive yourself- not as an excuse to continue your behaviour, but as a genuine act of compassion towards yourself- think what a wonderful example you are setting your kids. They then have permission to forgive themselves when they make mistakes- evne if you get upset with them.

 

I was much less patient when my kids were little...I think I am better with older kids than pre-school age ones. But I have noticed that I have grown over the years. And my kids have strong self esteem. And they do forgive themselves. Lol, sometimes its irritating how much they forgive themselves! But I am happy about it.

 

I think one of the best things is to be able to laugh at yourself, keep a sense of humour, and include the kids in that. So if I am irritable, I will (well, when I am aware enough to and not too caught up) say so, and allow the kids to gently tease me about it too, to a point. If I lost my temper, I will take some space to cool down, go back and make amends. Sometimes apologise if that fees right. I dont pretend I am beyond needing to apologise. I have had many conversations over the years that have gone something like "Gee, I have really been grumpy lately, havent I? I am sorry. I do get annoyed when you do such and such, but I think I over reacted this morning." And then a hug, or accept some eye rolling and exclamations like "oh yeah, you sure were grumpy!" Or, after noticing I have nagged them about their chores a lot, and they have basically been good...I might just spontaneously go and do one of their chores for them.

 

Kids are remarkably resilient. If you tell them what you are noticing in yourself, and say you are sorry, you will melt their dear hearts and they will understand and have compassion. You can even ask for their help to change. My son has a way of telling me when I am actually, genuinely out of line, and being so spot on, I have a lot of respect for his insight. Sometimes when I am upset with dh, ds14 will also offer me insight that just knocks my socks off, and he has done the same with dh.

 

In other words, you are human, your kids are human, and we are all in this human thing together. If you are hard on yourself beyond giving yourself a good slap to wake up out of the dream that it is always someone else's fault that you are grumpy, you just get harder. It sounds like you need some gentleness on yourself, a good cry now and then to soften, and some time not being in the "parent" role so much as just enjoying Being with your kids.

 

As far as cleaning and chores and things go....kids are kids and I often think the trap we as parents- or at least, I can speak for dh and I- fall into, is expecting too much. Expecting more than reality is saying is what is. So if they need reminding a thousand times, they need reminding a thousand times. Anger always bites you first. If they can't do it well alone, do it with them. If they make a mess, follow through on getting them to clean it up straight away. Dont let it slide and then lose your temper 6 hours or a day later when its still not done. Flylady helped me a lot to get a good attitude towards helping kids clean up. First I had to change my own attitude and stop whining and blaming, and clean up my own messes first.

 

I am sure most of us can relate to what you are saying. Its always a work in progress.

 

Love your posts... this was great.

[sunflowerlady]

I take St. John's Wort and it helps tremendously. :grouphug: It helps keep me on an emotionally even keel most of the time.

[Wildiris]

One of the most challenging parts of changing my behavior ( The Critical Castrating B****) is to pay enough attention to the situation to know not to fall into my patterned response. When emotions run high it is almost next to impossible to achieve. Then the patterned response kicks in and a volatile situations blossoms into a full-blown event. These events are damaging to all concerned.

 

What I've learned to do:

 

1. Keep my mouth shut. Act with grace.
   
   
2. If I do not have something nice to say, keep my mouth shut.
   
3. Be nice :) Compassionate understanding works wonders. Remember Empathy.
   
   
4. I'm working real hard on this one~Try not to respond with your emotions leading the way.
   
5. This is one I am thinking about more and more~How do you want to be remembered?
   
6. My current project~Find my own happiness. It sounds lame when written this way, but I find so many demands are made on me and my time that I lose sight of the big picture. Finding personal happiness is not as self-serving as it sounds. Helping others, being thoughtful by opening doors, bring flowers or extra food from the garden bring me immeasurable happiness.
   
   
7. Exercise more
   
8. Be fun for others to be around. Be good company. You kids will enjoy you more.
   

 

If you are the parent of a teen or young adult. The eye rolling, critical intolerance of parents comes with the territory of individuation and is more a reflection of their struggles to become themselves and not a reflection of you. It is hard, but try not to take it personally.

[jenn&charles]

Just thanking everyone for the great replies. I'm reading this thread and thinking how much I needed it last week. Hopefully it will help me this week. :001_smile:

[Wyndie]

I have to run but want to :bigear:.

[Nan in Mass]

I remember reading about a mother who decided she was yelling too much and forced herself to whisper for a few months until she got out of the habit. It meant that she had to walk to where the person she wanted to talk to was, which helped, and she said it was hard to do, so she said less, and it conveyed less emotion so that kept her from sounding as annoyed. It stuck in my mind because I thought it sounded like the sort of drastic, all-the-time solution that works best for me. For some reason, my children have always found whispering annoying, so I don't think it would work in my household, but you might consider it. I was successful at making a New Year's resolution to not-say something every day. It helped when I had teenagers and wasn't too hard to do. I have also, when my children were teenagers and all our encounters seemed to be bad, deliberately shifted the balance. When we go through bad spells, I count. For every bad encounter, I try to create two good or at least neutral ones in between. Totally trivial, like "I put your laundry in your room" counts. It just has to be something where your voice is neutral or positive and the child doesn't respond with anger. It requires some ingenuity to manufacture a sort of fake neutral or good encounter but it is easier than changing a bad encounter because you get to pick a time to do it when you aren't feeling so annoyed and you get to pick a non-annoying-to-you subject, making it easier to control your voice. If you are lucky, it will be one that isn't a hot spot with the child so the whole thing will pass off without a negative reaction on their part. You can ignore eye rolling or whatever. If they get upset, then count it as a bad and try again for a neutral or good later. The idea is to control what you say so they won't think of you as yelling at them every time you get near them. I tried to pick short things that didn't require much answer on their part and didn't interrupt what they were doing too much or require them to move. I found that after a bit, my children were surprisingly cooperative about this. It was almost as though they were relieved. We would have an argument and then a little while later, I would say, "Hey look! There's a robin in the yard!" and they would say, "That's nice." The best part about the whole thing was that it was something over which *I* had control and something that wasn't too hard for me to pull off. Eventually, it became sort of automatic. My older ones, even the one who caused me to make up this system, think of us as a great, together family, so it must have worked. I was using it for a slightly different purpose, but maybe the system would help you, too? I really applaud you for what you are doing.

-Nan

[Nan in Mass]

Great books. I highly recommend them.

[CandaceC]

I was coming here to join this post and say, "me, too!" and I can't believe how many of us feel the same way. I'm not sure if that makes me feel better or not. :D

 

I have successfully changed my attitude towards my husband. (well, I attribute the changes to God!) But, have yet to get less irritated with my children at this point. :confused:

 

With my husband, I started praying VERY faithfully FOR him...I prayed very specifically with things that I was THANKFUL FOR in him, things he had done (no matter how small) things he had said, things he had done with the kids. Honestly, now I am TRULY so very thankful for him! Crazy! :lol:

 

I think it sounds so little...but starting a thankful journal or gratitude journal is a very helpful thing...I do it on my blog, but it helps...I'm not there yet...I still have so very far to go...but being thankful and asking that God cultivate a heart of thankfulness in me has helped in my relationship with DH tremendously.

 

Thanks for the book recc. Peaceful Parents, Peaceful Kids - our library has it and I put a hold! yay! :)

[mcmom4]

I was wanting to read all the responses, but just am not able to right now, but I do want to say that I am in the process of doing this now and my dh is even amazed.

I have an older 22dd who is married and out of the home that I have made restitution with and have come so far with my 15dd, 13ds, 10dd. I could talk forever on what has taken place, but the change happened in ME first! I had to begin telling the truth to myself about not only my actions, but the motivation behind the actions. If you are a believer, you will understand that Christ did not come to set us free just to be able to control ourselves, but to be FREE from what controls us!

The ministry that has made ALL the difference is Marilyn Howshall. You can find her on facebook at:

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Association-for-Influential-Parenting/188417701423?ref=nf

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=92604579980&v=wall

or her blog (wonderful!) at: http://influentialparenting.wordpress.com/

 

Be sure to read the discussions on her facebook pages.

Blessings!

[stripe]

I remember reading about a mother who decided she was yelling too much and forced herself to whisper for a few months until she got out of the habit.... I was successful at making a New Year's resolution to not-say something every day.

Thanks for this, Nan.

[dtonito3]

I'm so glad you posted this and so many of us have answered.... it appears to me that this has become a vessel of healing and encouragement for so many of us. So many times you feel that you are the only one who can't control the anger, critcism etc or how to even try to handle it. By everyone sharing so honestly is shows the you are NTO alone and that there are hints to help you get through this time in life....

 

I think God was so wise to put in the bible that those who hae walked the walk should teach the youngones in teh wasy but somehow society has seen it fit to show only an IMAGE of a got it together mother with little to no worries becaseu others may think we are weak..

 

 

yet how much MORE strength does it take to share you heart with others and humble yourself to listens to their words...

 

thanks to everyone who has shared...