S/O- what would you do if your teen daughter became pregnant?

[Marylou]

I would say, "I will help you all I can, sweetheart. You're responsible for a new life now".

 

Yes, a life. Dead things don't grow.

[Melissa in Australia]

I am apposed to parents actively encouraging adoption as an option. Sorry if I offend anyone by my stand. I think it is a completely selfish stand by the parents( and probably the church) of the girl to try to manipulate her into doing this.

 

My mother had me when she was 16. It was a detour in her life, not the end.

[kalanamak]

Y

 

ETA - I can also honestly admit I would feel inclined to be much harder on my son if he were in the same predicament. But I'm not sure why.

 

I realized the other day that my parents (born in 1909 and 1917) both had a very dim view of men in this situation and feelings of sorrow for a woman. They were from an era where a man protected a woman, and any cad who would do that to a woman and an innocent baby really deserved a hiding.

 

I hope my fella doesn't end up like this, because I will be tireless in not letting him fall into "out of sight, out of mind".

[jujsky]

I'm pro-choice. I would lay out all of her options and 100% support her in whatever she decided.

[StephanieZ]

If they are under 18 and in my home they will have to give the baby up. The only exception will be if they want and are old enough to get married.

 

Ouch. You'd make your daughter choose between her parents and her child? Really? Just Ouch.

[Miss Sherry]

Seems to hardly ever be mentioned here. I'm shocked actually at how many people think it is wise for a teen be a mother and for every "one" case that turned out okay there is "one" or more that didn't.

 

If my dd's play with fire than they will get burned, but the child won't. If they are under 18 and in my home they will have to give the baby up. The only exception will be if they want and are old enough to get married.

 

Now we talk about adoption already and how it is a wonderful godly thing for people to do AND that it is not a "weakness" or "bad thing" to not be ready to parent a child.

 

I am pro-life and have always been a huge supporter of adoption. I'm saddened that so many find shame in such a selfless act. On the rare occasion I've encountered someone who submitted their child to able parents I've congratulated them and praised the selflessness involved.

I find your statement "I'm saddened that so many find shame in such a selfless act " in regards to adoption to be very presumptuous. I do not recall anyone ever expressing that they thought it was a shameful thing to do on this board or any other board. I believe it is difficult to do for other reasons, such as the loss of not seeing that child grow up in your own family. But that is far from thinking it is a shame. Perhaps you have heard it called a shame somewhere else ?

 

Now I see a poster here just said" I am apposed to parents actively encouraging adoption as an option. Sorry if I offend anyone by my stand. I think it is a completely selfish stand by the parents( and probably the church) of the girl to try to manipulate her into doing this.

My mother had me when she was 16. It was a detour in her life, not the end. "

 

I think we need to withhold judgement in regards to decisions others have made in regards to whether or not to adopt out a child. I think there are many dynamics involved which are not the same for everyone who may find themself facing that decision and we cannot possibly know what all another person or family was facing that helped to shape their decision.

Edited July 14, 2010 by Miss Sherry

[Guest Cindie2dds]

I'd be disappointed, of course. I wouldn't have to say a word to her. She'd just know it would be disappointing.

 

But then I'd put actions behind the words I've spoken since she was a tot.

 

God is Sovereign. He knows we are sinners in need of grace. He loves us no matter what. Who am I to act differently?

 

I'd love my daughter.

 

I'd love my grandchild.

 

I'd do everything in my power to assist my daughter is the huge responsibility of growing up overnight.

 

I would NOT push my daughter into a marriage with the young man. If the young man loves the Lord and that is what they decide, fine. But as my mom always said, "Why turn one mistake into two?"

 

I'd hope she'd choose to raise the child, or at least let us, before considering adoption.

 

Abortion is something we are completely against but EVEN if my daughter made that tragic decision, we would never stop loving her.

 

My thoughts exactly. :)

[jld]

I'm glad I never got pregnant as a teen, because there would only have been shame and condemnation from my parents. I probably wouldn't even have told them; I would have just straightaway gotten an abortion.

 

Ten years ago I thought teen pregnancy would be about the worst thing that could happen to my dd. Now, having gone through cancer with my son, teen pregnancy just doesn't rank in my worst worries list. I wouldn't be thrilled, but I would hope dd would keep the baby, and we would do whatever we could to help out.

 

I would be more disappointed if a ds got a girl pregnant. I wouldn't expect any role in the process, although it would be kind of the girl and her family to let us have one. You're just kind of left out if you're the ds's parents, I'm afraid.

 

And I really can't believe people think they can insist their kids give the baby up, or get married or not, or have an abortion. Teenagers are not little kids. They need to be treated with respect.

[annandatje]

I would not "do" anything; the decision belongs to the expectant mother. My teens are older. They are knowledgeable about erotic biology and birth control, and they have access to contraception if needed. Thus, a pregnancy would probably be a birth control failure here too.

 

My guess is that one would choose an early first trimester abortion. We would pay for it.

 

For another one, a pregnancy probably would result in an earlier marriage than she had anticipated. Absent an ongoing romantic relationship, I'd guess that she would be a single mother who would work very hard to complete her education and care for her child.

 

I could offer emotional support and temporary financial aid, but I no longer have the physical and emotional stamina needed to be primary caretaker for an infant on a daily basis.

 

After the birth or abortion, I would suggest using either a double barrier method or a backup barrier method in addition to hormonal method to reduce the likelihood of another unplanned pregnancy.

 

If I had an older young adult daughter who was certain she did not want children, I would pay for a tubal ligation IF we could find a doctor willing to do it.

[Liz CA]

I realized the other day that my parents (born in 1909 and 1917) both had a very dim view of men in this situation and feelings of sorrow for a woman. They were from an era where a man protected a woman, and any cad who would do that to a woman and an innocent baby really deserved a hiding.

 

I hope my fella doesn't end up like this, because I will be tireless in not letting him fall into "out of sight, out of mind".

 

I still think this way - and I was born a few years later.

[TammyinTN]

Have you discussed this possibility with her?

 

My 16-yo does not date. She does, however, have a lot of male friends (she goes to public school.) Dd actually decided on her own that there's no reason to date unless you are ready to get married. We are atheists, so there was no church influence in this decision.

 

Anyway, I have had many conversations with her about how to not get into a situation with a boy where he might be expecting more that she is.

 

I told her if she gets pregnant she will go through her 9 months of discipline, and then I will adopt the child. We also joke about sending her to her aunt's house for 9 months, but I think I would really keep her here.

 

Having lived through this and so much more....you love them, guide them and help show them the way. She did end up having a miscarriage which was horrible, but I sat right there and held her hand. She needed lots of love to get through it.

 

On a positive note, she is now married to a military man and they are expecting their first child..she's 7 weeks along and thrilled. She writes and calls me everyday and we are so incredibly close.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I have read only a handful or so of posts. I'm appalled that anyone thinks that what to do with the baby (kill it, adopt it out, etc) has ANYTHING to do with what THEY say, want, etc. Obviously, they can significantly influence their child; but I think it would be a serious mistake.

 

I honestly looked into my choices with my stepmom. I appreciated her own experience and her wisdom in helping me choose. I was getting pressure from other people, but felt my stepmom gave me true support. I felt any decision I made could be the right one and that it was really about what would work out for my child and me.

 

I'm so thankful to have had great parents who were supportive and helpful and especially my stepmom in the first few months. I wish every child could have that situation. Sadly, some parents would prefer to ruin relationships and potentially do lifelong damage to their child and grandchild. I understand that isn't the PURPOSE of their choices, but it's what happens more times than not. There is a reason it no longer is the way it used to be.

 

ETA: I guess my position is pretty clear. It's kinda hard for me to picture because of my daughter and her....ummm....differences. I realize *most* parents find it difficult to picture, but this is a bit...ummm...different. My mom and I were pretty determined to try to break the cycle with her, but it turns out we had no work to do in doing so considering her....ummmm....differences <smile>. She's almost 18. I used to hope that one day may bring me grandbabies, but now I hope that one day will keep her happy and as healthy as can be and that she'll do with her life, including family wise, what she pleases :)

Edited July 14, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[Peela]

I am apposed to parents actively encouraging adoption as an option. Sorry if I offend anyone by my stand. I think it is a completely selfish stand by the parents( and probably the church) of the girl to try to manipulate her into doing this.

 

My mother had me when she was 16. It was a detour in her life, not the end.

 

:iagree: Melissa.

I would rather bring up the babe myself than have it adopted. Family bonds are strong and the babe would not be destitute. If my dd couldnt cope- or ds for that matter- I would step in and support up to 100% until they could.

Even if they could step up to the plate by the time the child was older, it would be better for the child than being adopted. But I guess not everyone has the loving granma option.

 

I am surprised by all the adoption talk...I think it is a cultural thing because adoption within Australia is so, so rare, possibly because our social security is so good for single mothers.

 

I dont mean to offend those who have adopted, but it is not something I would actively encourage.

[Melissa in Australia]

:iagree: Melissa.

I would rather bring up the babe myself than have it adopted. Family bonds are strong and the babe would not be destitute. If my dd couldnt cope- or ds for that matter- I would step in and support up to 100% until they could.

Even if they could step up to the plate by the time the child was older, it would be better for the child than being adopted. But I guess not everyone has the loving granma option.

 

I am surprised by all the adoption talk...I think it is a cultural thing because adoption within Australia is so, so rare, possibly because our social security is so good for single mothers.

 

I dont mean to offend those who have adopted, but it is not something I would actively encourage.

 

I find the whole talk about encouraging the teen to adopt out the child physically sickening.

I think the main reason adoption is so rare in Australia is more to do with the big stuff up of so many lives during the 50's, 60's and 70's.

All those children shipped to Australia from England that were so badly abused, all the children taken from teens and put into those awful church orphanages were they were physically, sexually and emotionally abused. I think so many people know or are related to someone that was there, that they have both changes the laws to have better support of single mothers, and change public attitudes to adoptions.

[Pamela H in Texas]

I generally am fine with adoption as an option (would/have considered adoption as two parts of the triangle). We also have a good bit of adoption in both side of my children's family trees. And I'm FINE with parents presenting it as an option to consider.

 

The problem I have is that someone would even dream of forcing it upon their child.

 

I'm trying also to incorporate this other thought....I did some research regarding adoption on a few occasions (not just when it was my child who I was considering placing). There are some REAL concerns regarding the mental health of adopted children. Some of the people were even quoted as saying it that it would have been better not to have been born (though these people said they had healthy homes to grow up in). EEK!

 

Again, I personally believe every child conceived and not miscarried should have the opportunity to be born. I think adoption IS an option for consideration though I generally think most should be open. But I am seriously against coercion in association with it. I am equally concerned with parents who think they are going to steal their child's baby. Again, if the baby's mother chooses this option, I think it can be okay, but I think it is severely problematic that parents (of a teen parent) think they are making the decisions (outside of what boundaries they need to make for their home).

Edited July 14, 2010 by 2J5M9K

[TravelingChris]

The only way it would be happening now with my older is rape and I would be very supportive and get her whatever help she needed. It would be devastating.

 

With my youngest, she isn't old enough yet. As of now, she is still uninterested in boys. In a few years, if this happened, she would have to be responsible. In my view, and the courts, both parents are responsible for support. She would be losing insurance when she had the baby unless she put it up for adoption. That would be my very strong recommendation. But I doubt this will happen.

[Renee in NC]

:iagree: Melissa.

I would rather bring up the babe myself than have it adopted. Family bonds are strong and the babe would not be destitute. If my dd couldnt cope- or ds for that matter- I would step in and support up to 100% until they could.

Even if they could step up to the plate by the time the child was older, it would be better for the child than being adopted. But I guess not everyone has the loving granma option.

 

I am surprised by all the adoption talk...I think it is a cultural thing because adoption within Australia is so, so rare, possibly because our social security is so good for single mothers.

 

I dont mean to offend those who have adopted, but it is not something I would actively encourage.

 

Same here. My dh *is* adopted and I don't think he would encourage it, either.

 

I have known several women who have given babies up for adoption and it didn't turn out well for them either. In the past (especially the past 100 years) adoption was a big option because you could "hide" the girl at some distant relative's house, she'd have the baby, come home, and the family could pretend it never happened. It was more about shame than anything. I just think that a baby is better off with his or her family of origin unless they just can't take care of him or her.

 

I do have a friend who has adopted 3 babies in the past few years, but all 3 were out of the foster care system. For all 3, none of the family was willing to do what was necessary to provide a stable home, so the parental rights were terminated. To me, that is a different scenario.

 

When I was pregnant as a teen, different family members encouraged me to give my ds up for adoption. There was no real reason - I hadn't given any indication that I couldn't care for a child. There was this idea that he would be "better off" with another set of parents, but really it came down to shame.

 

If my sons were to get a girl pregnant, I would do whatever I needed to support him and the baby if necessary. Same for my daughters. The baby would be *their* baby, though, not mine. I would be devastated by abortion or adoption, but obviously I would love them either way.

[Melissa in Australia]

Same here. My dh *is* adopted and I don't think he would encourage it, either.

 

 

I do have a friend who has adopted 3 babies in the past few years, but all 3 were out of the foster care system. For all 3, none of the family was willing to do what was necessary to provide a stable home, so the parental rights were terminated. To me, that is a different scenario.

 

When I was pregnant as a teen, different family members encouraged me to give my ds up for adoption. There was no real reason - I hadn't given any indication that I couldn't care for a child. There was this idea that he would be "better off" with another set of parents, but really it came down to shame.

 

If my sons were to get a girl pregnant, I would do whatever I needed to support him and the baby if necessary. Same for my daughters. The baby would be *their* baby, though, not mine. I would be devastated by abortion or adoption, but obviously I would love them either way.

 

I completely agree that adoption through the foster system is completely different than forcing a teen to give up her child.

[Carrie12345]

Just as I know people who have aborted with no regrets and people who have aborted with big regrets, I know people who have adopted out with no regrets and people who have been forced to adopt out with huge regrets. And then, of course, there are the once-young parents who continue to struggle and the once-young parents who continue great success.

 

There is no guaranteed happy outcome from any decision, which is why it could never be MY decision. (Hopefully,) my child would have to live with the choice many, many years longer than I would, and I would like for them to be as content with their choice as possible.

[Closeacademy]

btdt with my sdd. The baby is now 13 years old and has 3 younger siblings. They live in a nice house, drive a nice vehicle and her dh has a good job. She is a wonderful mother. I am very proud of her.

 

There were ups and downs over the years but like anything God gets you through these so that you can all become better people.

 

Having a pregnant teen is not the end of the world. It's just a different road to take and it is filled with different challenges and triumphs. But it is still a good road.:001_smile:

[Sahamamama]

I have three daughters, all very young (3.5, 3.5, and 5.5). Of course, as Christians, we hope that they grow up to love Jesus, walk in His ways, and live purely. We hope for each daughter that, if she meets an honorable Christian man and they want to get married, they will keep the relationship holy and pure.

 

BUT, I realize that there are temptations, and loneliness can be a powerful force in a person's life. I think that if my daughter, as a young unmarried teenager, became pregnant, I would need to repent of something in my own life -- was I too distracted, was I unavailable emotionally, was there a breakdown in our closeness? Was there something that pushed my girl away from my heart, into a man's arms (and bed)? Because I think it begins with what's going on in the girl's heart... So, first, I would focus on these matters of the heart, especially since it might be that my daughter's heart had been broken, depending on whether or not the young man's heart was towards her or away from her. If he cut her off, that would be devastating to a young woman, even without a pregnancy. So I would try to get back to her heart. How can I refocus on her heart? help it heal? find forgiveness and redemption? How can I really listen?

 

Then, my next priority would be for the life inside her body. I would NOT want her to abort the baby (unless her own health were in jeopardy) or give the baby up for adoption. I would definitely feel a bond to that baby, a link to that life.... In fact, just thinking about my daughter's baby makes me want to wrap a little baby up and hold it. :D I know I would be in love in the first second. :001_wub:

 

The disappointment, rage, confusion, and so on would be real. But we'd work through it. We would come through as a family. I hope my daughters know that they are LOVED, truly LOVED, no matter what.

 

They do have to eat their vegetables and do their chores, though. ;)

[keptwoman]

Just as I know people who have aborted with no regrets and people who have aborted with big regrets, I know people who have adopted out with no regrets and people who have been forced to adopt out with huge regrets. And then, of course, there are the once-young parents who continue to struggle and the once-young parents who continue great success.

 

There is no guaranteed happy outcome from any decision, which is why it could never be MY decision. (Hopefully,) my child would have to live with the choice many, many years longer than I would, and I would like for them to be as content with their choice as possible.

Yes, I agree. The only person with a right to make a decision about what would happen with the baby is the Mum. I'd have an opinion, and probably aim to steer away from abortion (but if that's what she wanted, well I'm pro choice) but it would never be my choice to make. Forcing any option on a teen parent is as good as forcing an emotionally damaged teen and a rift for life.

[Saille]

After yelling "Oh, what did you go and do that for?"

 

1. Tell her she has just started the biggest and most important research project of her life, but it won't be graded based on an essay ;).

2. Then drag her boyfriend in and tell him the same!

3. Work at supporting them as a couple for as long as that is the best course of action.

4. Do my best to guide them both into making well thought out decisions as per that research project I just mentioned.

5. Support them in learning to parent, together and separately.

6. Beat her over the head with a brick if she thinks the baby is hers only, and not his.

7. Beat him over the head with a brick if he thinks the baby is hers only, and not his.

 

Ok, numbers 6 and 7 might not be stressed quite that violently.

 

8. Work really really hard at making the mental transitions in everyone's heads that they are adults now, even if they don't look like it.

 

Rosie

 

We x-posted last night, so I just noticed this. Nodding head vigorously.

[Homemaker]

Our daughters are still very young, and we are Christians. when we have the sex talk with them, I want to take that time to tell them what would happen if they did make a mistake, we would of course still love them, and of course

be saddened and disappointed, but still want us to tell us right away. If they weren't old enough and didn't want to get married, we think adoption is the best thing for both the baby and mother. (abortion is not an option and would not support it, if she did it behind our backs, we would forgive

her, but would be so sad for her and decision she has made). Back to adoption, if she were pregnant we would meet with an adoption agency, talk with other teens who gave up babies and even look at information about adoptive families. While we won't FORCE her to do anything, I couldn't sit back acting if all the possibilites are equal, I don't believe they are. Getting to hand pick a Christian couple who are married and giving the child a mom who can stay at home and raise the baby and truly want to be parents is far better for the child in my opionon than a single 15 year old mom with maybe a dad in and out the picture. ( I know there are exceptions.). I pray we are

never in this situation.

[WishboneDawn]

Support her in her decision. It would be her choice. If it were adoption I'd want to adopt myself.

[jld]

I have three daughters, all very young (3.5, 3.5, and 5.5). Of course, as Christians, we hope that they grow up to love Jesus, walk in His ways, and live purely. We hope for each daughter that, if she meets an honorable Christian man and they want to get married, they will keep the relationship holy and pure.

 

BUT, I realize that there are temptations, and loneliness can be a powerful force in a person's life. I think that if my daughter, as a young unmarried teenager, became pregnant, I would need to repent of something in my own life -- was I too distracted, was I unavailable emotionally, was there a breakdown in our closeness? Was there something that pushed my girl away from my heart, into a man's arms (and bed)? Because I think it begins with what's going on in the girl's heart... So, first, I would focus on these matters of the heart, especially since it might be that my daughter's heart had been broken, depending on whether or not the young man's heart was towards her or away from her. If he cut her off, that would be devastating to a young woman, even without a pregnancy. So I would try to get back to her heart. How can I refocus on her heart? help it heal? find forgiveness and redemption? How can I really listen?

 

Then, my next priority would be for the life inside her body. I would NOT want her to abort the baby (unless her own health were in jeopardy) or give the baby up for adoption. I would definitely feel a bond to that baby, a link to that life.... In fact, just thinking about my daughter's baby makes me want to wrap a little baby up and hold it. :D I know I would be in love in the first second. :001_wub:

 

The disappointment, rage, confusion, and so on would be real. But we'd work through it. We would come through as a family. I hope my daughters know that they are LOVED, truly LOVED, no matter what.

 

They do have to eat their vegetables and do their chores, though. ;)

 

 

This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you so much for writing this.

 

I don't understand why more parents don't take this approach, that if there is a problem with their child (not a biological problem, but an emotional one), they need to seek their child's forgiveness and see how they can become better parents, according to how their child says they could be better parents. Where is the humility? I so often see Christian parents posting here about forcing or controlling their kids in some way, but that's not what I think Jesus was about. It was love that brought people to him, not fear.

 

Children, and teens, especially teen girls, need to be loved. How many girls seek out young men because they don't feel loved? It's wrong, and it starts with the parents. Love your girls according to their definition of love, and watch your relationship soar!:)

[Marylou]

I am surprised by all the adoption talk...I think it is a cultural thing because adoption within Australia is so, so rare, possibly because our social security is so good for single mothers.

 

Or maybe the abortion option is more accepted there than in the U.S.?

[Melissa in Australia]

Or maybe the abortion option is more accepted there than in the U.S.?

I don't know I have no Idea of the abortion rate in the US. I do know I see a huge amount of teen mothers pushing prams.

 

The adoption rate in Australia is extremely low. I think last year there was 260 adoptions Australia wide.

[Renee in NC]

Or maybe the abortion option is more accepted there than in the U.S.?

 

I just did a google search and various different sites show that the rate of abortion is roughly the same in both countries (about 22%.)

[FeFe]

I would deeply mourn the loss of an ideal situation but I wouldn't place the burden of that on my child - they'd have enough of their own.

 

I am personally pro-life but I don't believe in forcing my beliefs on anyone. I would certainly try to paint a very true picture of each option - something I have an experience in since I had my son just 3 weeks after I turned 20, unwed. I don't feel like it would be my decision to make, though I'd want to.

 

I would do my best to show God's love, grace and mercy and be supportive no matter what they chose.

[mommaduck]

After yelling "Oh, what did you go and do that for?"

 

1. Tell her she has just started the biggest and most important research project of her life, but it won't be graded based on an essay ;).

2. Then drag her boyfriend in and tell him the same!

3. Work at supporting them as a couple for as long as that is the best course of action.

4. Do my best to guide them both into making well thought out decisions as per that research project I just mentioned.

5. Support them in learning to parent, together and separately.

6. Beat her over the head with a brick if she thinks the baby is hers only, and not his.

7. Beat him over the head with a brick if he thinks the baby is hers only, and not his.

 

Ok, numbers 6 and 7 might not be stressed quite that violently.

 

8. Work really really hard at making the mental transitions in everyone's heads that they are adults now, even if they don't look like it.

 

Rosie

:iagree: Love this list LOL! I also would make sure they all knew that I love them dearly.

[jld]

Melissa, I hear your strong feelings on this subject. My dh has strong feelings against adoption, too. He's French, so maybe it is an outside-the-USA thing. He really thinks it's important for a baby to stay with his mom, that the baby was made to be cared for by his own mom. He was the first person I ever knew who thought adoption was wrong except in rare cases. As I get older, I'm understanding more why he feels the way he does.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

,

So many of you on this thread said things like "I don't think my Dd will get in that postions because she sees her siblings and says..." or "she doesn't really date..." or ... Our DD said she was *never* going to have kids, she hardly ever dated before she left our house (not because we wouldn't let her, she just never asked, we did let her date when she asked), we talked a lot very frankly about boys and pregnancy and s*x. There is no guarantee.

The biggest risk I saw in DD, and unfortunately I was right, was low self esteem. I told DH years ago I was worried about DD because she thought so little of herself; the first time a boy made her feel special or "loved" it was going to be over. This was one time I so wish I wasn't right. No matter what we did to try to help that, we couldn't do enough to overcome the pain inflicted by her mother's choices.

I agree.

 

---

Post deleted.

Edited July 14, 2010 by The Dragon Academy

[Renee in NC]

Melissa, I hear your strong feelings on this subject. My dh has strong feelings against adoption, too. He's French, so maybe it is an outside-the-USA thing. He really thinks it's important for a baby to stay with his mom, that the baby was made to be cared for by his own mom. He was the first person I ever knew who thought adoption was wrong except in rare cases. As I get older, I'm understanding more why he feels the way he does.

 

I kind of wondered if it were cultural. I wonder if other countries have as high adoption rates as the US? Think about all the foreign adoptions that happen!

[jld]

Dragon, I don't know your story, but I'm wondering if you have tried counseling? Maybe that could help your daughter to open up and start valuing herself. I'm so sorry for you and your dh and especially your daughter. Every young woman should see herself as beautiful and lovable and very, very valuable. Every young woman is precious and deserves a young man who adores her. :grouphug:

[katemary63]

I would:

* Encourage her to seek God's forgiveness and refocus her life on Him.

* Insist she stay in school.

*Beg her not to marry the guy until after she was 18 (but preferably out of college).

* Set up a nursery and buy all the cool new baby stuff they didn't have when mine were babies! (What fun!)

*Help her raise the baby since I am a stay at home mom and it would fit into my life.

*Make sure she was the primary caretake when she was not in school and that baby called HER mom/ not me.

* Support her finacially while she lived in my home till she was out of college (after making sure she got whatever child support was comming to her.)

*Ball my head off with joy at becoming a grandma!

 

Both my older girls are Christians and vehemently opposed to abortion so that would not be an issue in our house. Both of them, by age 13/14 were excellent with and knowledgeable about babies and loved them passionately so I would not have needed to worry about thier mothering abilities or even their desire to keep the baby. But if for some reason a child of mine did not want to raise their baby themselves, I would most ceratainly adopt it. Under no circumstances could my husband or I ever conceive of our own grandchild being adopted out and lost to us. Though I'm not saying it's wrong for others in different circumstances. It would not happen here. If my son got his girlfriend pregnant, I would invite her to live in my house and do the exact same for her.

Edited July 14, 2010 by katemary63

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Dragon, I don't know your story, but I'm wondering if you have tried counseling? Maybe that could help your daughter to open up and start valuing herself. I'm so sorry for you and your dh and especially your daughter. Every young woman should see herself as beautiful and lovable and very, very valuable. Every young woman is precious and deserves a young man who adores her. :grouphug:

 

Thank you for the suggestion. We have tried counseling - individual (for her and me) and family (her, me and DH). Counseling only works when all parties are willing to be honest.

[lionfamily1999]

I would be broken hearted. All the same, the first stop would be the doctors, preferrably with the young man in toe. Then, Social Services so dd could get medicaid.

 

I'm not sure I would remove her from school, although that's an option. Part of me would be tempted to do the "going away to visit my aunt," homeschool her and then adopt the baby myself. If dd got pregnant at 16, I'd only be 32.

 

I don't think there would be much in the line of "a talking to." Having btdt I know that no one can make her feel worse than she already will.

 

I suppose, really, at that point most of it is up to dd. She will be a mother and I can only help as much as she wants me to.

 

Off to yark.................. I'm much too close to this age for this sorts of conversations to be comfy.

[jld]

Renee, I know it's pretty hard to adopt kids in France. Bil and sil tried (infertility), but were not successful.

 

You know, I don't know what to say about adoption. I think it's wrong that people pay people to get pregnant in Russia so they can have a white baby, and then pay them more to have siblings for their child. That's what I find sick. And while I'm at it, I think advertising for a woman to carry your husband's child is immoral, too. I grew up Catholic, so maybe I have a conservative mindset on this from that.

 

At this point in my life, I think it's best for a mom to keep her baby if at all possible. I know it makes dh sad when I say that if I had been pregnant as a teen, I would have had an abortion. It would have been the only option I would have thought possible. He told me he would have married me if I had had a child before him, and would have loved that child and raised him as his own. I'm sure that's true, because that's the kind of truly Christian heart dh has. But thank God the only man I've ever been pregnant by is dh. Truly a blessing and no thanks to my own sinful, self-indulgent nature.

[katemary63]

I don't associate shame with giving up the baby for adoption but rather loss. I'd be terribly sad to miss out on my grandchild's growing up. So perhaps I'm just a bit selfish........ I think we just mean that we'd be happily willing to raise the child ourselves if given the opportunity.

 

:iagree:If I lost a grandchild to adoption I would mourn for that relationship for the rest of my life.

If I lost a grandchild to abortion, I would never recover from my broken heart and would eagerly look forward to meeting that child in heaven and giving him/ her all the hugs and kisses I couldn't here on earth.

Edited July 14, 2010 by katemary63

[mommaduck]

Under no circumstances could my husband or I ever conceive of our own grandchild being adopted out and lost to us. Though I'm not saying it's wrong for others in different circumstances. It would not happen here. If my son got his girlfriend pregnant, I would invite her to live in my house and do the exact same for her.

Ditto. My grandparents raised three of my siblings, a cousin was partially raised by another set of grandparents, and my stepfather fostered his nephew for a time.

[Guest Cindie2dds]

I don't associate shame with giving up the baby for adoption but rather loss. I'd be terribly sad to miss out on my grandchild's growing up. So perhaps I'm just a bit selfish. Of course, we'd want our daughter to make her choice of raising the child herself, adoption, or having us raise the child based on what is best for the baby. I think we just mean that we'd be happily willing to raise the child ourselves if given the opportunity.

 

Absolutely! If one of my daughters chose to give the child up for adoption, I would hope she would consider us first. We would be happily willing to raise the child and adore it, and I think those are the key words. I would want both her and the child to know it was wanted and a blessing to be celebrated, no matter what the start in life was. She would, of course, have our full and loving support no matter what her choice was; however, we would go above and beyond to keep the child with her first, then us.

[katemary63]

Ouch. You'd make your daughter choose between her parents and her child? Really? Just Ouch.

 

:iagree:

[Starr]

We've had many discussions about this. I did remind her that the courts could keep her in this general area for the life of a child if the father was in this area. They don't stop and think how many decisions would have to be made with another person even if the relationship didn't end in marriage.

[Renthead Mommy]

My first thought would be HOW could you have let this happen?? You KNOW how birth control works and I buy you condoms!!!! (Granted, not yet, he's only 8 today - but he WILL know all about how to prevent pregnancy and STD's and I have no problem supplying condoms to make sure he has them for whenever he or his friends need/want them.)

 

After we got over that we'd tell them we support them in whatever they want to do. We'd also make sure they knew there was no shame in abortion if that was their choice. I wouldn't push it on them, but it would have been my choice in high school.

 

If they wanted to give the baby up, that would be fine also. I see keeping it as being difficult, because I just don't see two 16 year olds being 'in love' and wanting a 'forever' relationship. But most people we know didn't even know each other till they were in college or after. Most were 25ish at least when they started getting married. Many older than that. So I have a hard time seeing two 16yos getting married/spending their lives together to raise a child.

[Lizzie in Ma]

I would:

* Encourage her to seek God's forgiveness and refocus her life on Him.

* Insist she stay in school.

*Beg her not to marry the guy until after she was 18 (but preferably out of college).

*Help her raise the baby since I am a stay at home mom and it would fit into my life.

*Make sure she was the primary caretaker when she was not in school and that baby called HER mom/ not me.

*Bawl my head off with joy at becoming a grandma!

 

But if for some reason a child of mine did not want to raise their baby themselves, I would most certainly adopt it. Under no circumstances could my husband or I ever conceive of our own grandchild being adopted out and lost to us. Though I'm not saying it's wrong for others in different circumstances. It would not happen here. If my son got his girlfriend pregnant, I would invite her to live in my house and do the exact same for her.

 

:iagree::iagree:

[Paintedlady]

I told her if she gets pregnant she will go through her 9 months of discipline, and then I will adopt the child.

 

I hope you're kidding about this part. You don't have the right to decide that for her if you're not kidding.

[Nakia]

I just found out that my good friend's almost 17 year old son is going to be a father. His girlfriend is barely 16. Her parents are very wealthy and affluent and have sent her to a home for unwed mothers in another state. Her parents have decided she will give the baby up for adoption. I know they could help her and provide for the child, but they are embarrassed and don't want anyone to know their child "got herself into this situation". My friend's son is just in shock. He loves his girlfriend, and his heart is aching, though he is supportive of the decision to give the baby up for adoption. Unfortunately, it is not possible for my friend to adopt her grandchild, for several reasons. It is just a sad situation all around.

 

On a side note, I didn't even know that homes for unwed mothers even still existed.

[kmacnchs]

Anyway, I have had many conversations with her about how to not get into a situation with a boy where he might be expecting more that she is.

 

Not that you're looking for advice from a young mother who does not have a teen but I just wanted to give you a different perspective: My parents knew I would never let a boy pressure me into sex so they trusted me completely. BAD move. I would never let a boy pressure me into sex and I never thought I would have sex (SOOO MODEST - didn't let ANYONE see me naked) but when I fell in love, *I* was the one pressuring him! I am surprised I was not a pg teen, frankly.

 

Not sure how to have that talk with your dd but it really threw me (my emotions and desires). I never thought I would need to "fight" myself...my bf and I never tried to guard ourselves b/c we (neither one of us) thought we would never have sex before marriage (we had never felt tempted before so the temptation threw us for a loop). Does that make sense? It's important to know what to guard against and my mindset was always to guard against the boy's desire, not my own...

 

Just something you may want to add to your "talks"... (hope I didn't offend, just wanted to give a different perspective)

[katemary63]

On a side note, I didn't even know that homes for unwed mothers even still existed.

 

 

Kenosha, WI

http://www.genesishousewi.com/