When you & hubby want two different houses

[Tanya in KS]

We have been preapproved for a home loan! YEAH!! BUT now dh has decided he wants a different house than what we discussed & applied for.

 

Houses are the same price..

 

Houses are in two different towns and hubby would have to commute 30 miles each way 6 days a week.

 

One is in the country - one is in town. (I have waited my WHOLE life for a horse..)

 

One is slightly larger than the other...

 

So do I submit & simply buy the house, I really don't like since I am not the breadwinner & I don't have the daily drive (though I will have drive time for EVERYTHING else in our life)

 

How have you sorted this out before????? We are at a point just to disagree about everything.

[Gooblink]

Easy. You win. :)

 

Or, you could flip a coin?

[Meriwether]

Well, we move with Dh's job. In exchange for my good humor moving (I dislike moving), Dh gives me my way on many other things. So, he picks the state/town, and I pick the house. Personally, I wouldn't buy either house unless you reach an agreement. There will be other houses available at some point that might meet both of your requirements.

[Slartibartfast]

I would tell him he isn't allowed to change his mind. :lol:

 

Or I would just start looking over again. I wouldn't agree to buying a house you don't like, that isn't fair. IME even if you only plan on being in a house a short time it can be really obnoxious in a house you do not love.

 

 

ETA: Is it possible you could find a house in town but with land? I am in a city but we have an acre.

Edited July 12, 2010 by Sis

[Jean in Newcastle]

You talk about it. You ask him, why did you change your mind? What is it you like better about this other house? Then you say, my turn to tell you why I don't want to switch. This is what I like better about the first house. Sometimes as you talk you discover ways to have what both of you want in one or another of the locations. Or you realize that you need to look for a 3rd house!

[Melissa in Australia]

I would storm and rage just enough to make my point and then agree with my husband and do whatever he chose. I always , do what he says in the end. He is much wiser than me, and every time I go with what he says it has always been way better.

[In2why]

I think that this is more important to you than it is to him because you are going to be in it a lot more than him. I think if you get the house that he likes and you don't you will resent it. If he doesn't agree with the house you both originally thought was the one I would start looking again and find one you both like.

 

Oh and the breadwinner part.......That is crazy talk. You are the homemaker and I am guessing the cheif bottlewasher and cleaner of the said house. That is a huge deal and the same way he deserves respect for supporting your family, you deserve respect for supporting your family. Without either one of you doing your work the whole family falls apart. And it might help to remember that your job is 24/7 and he gets time off.

[Ferdie]

YOu both have to live there so you need to agree. Go with option C. Explore what you each like about the houses you picked. Decided on what the most important things are and what are things you are each willing to be more flexible on and find a third option that works for both of you.

 

No way would I go with his choice against my better judgment because that is just asking for resentment.

 

:iagree: A house is a major, once in a life time purchase. You need to be in unity.

[katemary63]

 

So do I submit & simply buy the house, I really don't like since I am not the breadwinner & I don't have the daily drive (though I will have drive time for EVERYTHING else in our life)

 

I would hope that you will keep looking till you find a house that you both want. However, I also hope you find a better reason then "he is the bread winner" if you end up agreeing to buy the house he wants. Being the bread winner does not give him trumping rights in any way. I hope that's not how HE sees it. :confused:

[Guest Cindie2dds]

You talk about it. You ask him, why did you change your mind? What is it you like better about this other house? Then you say, my turn to tell you why I don't want to switch. This is what I like better about the first house. Sometimes as you talk you discover ways to have what both of you want in one or another of the locations. Or you realize that you need to look for a 3rd house!

 

Great advice. :iagree:

[simka2]

I normally don't comment on these types of things, but seriously? Throwing "no offense" at the beginning of such a critical statement doesn't make it any more acceptable.

 

Back to the original discussion, I think you might have to ditch your plan and his both to find something else. My dh and I had nearly the same problem. We didn't buy either of those houses but we did find one we both liked. Much happier.

 

:iagree:Thanks for beating me to that one!!!! :D My dh has always said that I'm the one who spends the most time in it, so I need to be happy with it!!! He commutes 45 miles and would even further if it makes me a happy camper, and I love him for it!!!! Plus, he says the drive helps him decompress a bit from work, before he has to be "daddy!"

 

I would make it very clear that I will not be buying a house I don't want! So we either start the search over, or we rent. Thankfully, dh and are very good compromisers :D

[Marsha]

It is ok to want something. She is not being selfish.

She just asked what to do. What the wife wants is important, too.

Plus, he did apply for financing for that house.

 

Now with that said, if he really did want a shorter commute, I would look for something closer that we both could agree on.

You both need to be happy with the home.

[katemary63]

Did I miss something? From what I read the houses still have the same commuting distance from his work. The OP is a bit unclear on that part though.

 

:iagree:That's what I got out of it also.

[OrganicAnn]

Keep looking or keep talking until you both agree. If not, one of you will always be a little unhappy and a little resentful. And make sure it is agreement with no reservations. Do not just work on getting what one of you wants. Find a way to get what both of you want.

[Tanya in KS]

One house is 30 miles from his work (the one I want). Other house is 1 mile from his work (the one he wants).

 

I was the one who applied for the loan, called the insurance agent & have done ALL the leg work for the home. He "doesn't have time" because he is at work.

 

Yes, I have ALWAYS wanted a horse. I realize it may never come true - sure would be nice though... (oh, and I never said dh promised it to me...just always has been a dream of mine since I was 5 and rode my whole childhood other people's horses but never my own...)

 

One toliet (his choice) compared to 3 toliets (my choice) with 9 people in the home. =)

Edited July 13, 2010 by Tanya in KS

[AHASRADA]

I would vote for finding something you can agree on. At the same time, this is the house he applied for financing on, so that is the de facto house, unless he changes his mind (which he seems to have done). Sounds like cold feet to me.

 

I would go back to my tried and true pro/con list routine. There must have been plenty of reasons to buy this house in the first place, or he wouldn't have agreed to it. Is the commute the only reason against it? Is there really an equivalent house for the same price closer to his work? If not, you guys need to compare the pros and cons to the two houses, and weigh each one.

 

He is working to support the family, and if the commute will be an undue hardship on him, that needs to be given more importance than the room for a horse. However, you and dc are the ones spending all day, every day at this house, it is your workplace, your kids' school, and your home base. You will do a lot of commuting to activities, appointments, groceries, etc. and with kids in tow! All things being equal, I think your preference and concerns should be given a bit more consideration than his, since you are the one spending all your time there. As long as he realizes and accepts that, you should be able to come up with an acceptable compromise.

[Daisy]

In our family we'd keep on talking.

 

Eventually he would tell me that I could have whatever house made me the most happy.

 

I would reply with, No, we'll buy whatever house makes him the most happy.

 

We'd roll our eyes and say, "Oh, don't start that AGAIN."

 

We'd keep talking until we agreed or we'd start looking for a third house that we could agree on.

[sassenach]

One house is 30 miles from his work (the one I want). Other house is 1 mile from his work (the one he wants).

 

I was the one who applied for the loan, called the insurance agent & have done ALL the leg work for the home. He "doesn't have time" because he is at work.

 

Yes, I have ALWAYS wanted a horse. I realize it may never come true - sure would be nice though...

 

One toliet compared to 3 toliets with 9 people in the home. =)

 

One toilet is unacceptable. I think you need to find a 3rd option. I think either way you are going to end up with resentment.

[OnTheBrink]

I say ditch both houses and try to find something that will benefit everyone.

 

As for the horse, you can always board a horse at a stable, instead of having it at home, if having a horse ("harsie" at our house LOL) is that important to you.

[KJsMom]

Personally, 1 bathroom in a large family would be a lot more inconvenient than 30 miles. :D But your dh is the one who would have to do it every day. 60 miles a day is a lot of time to build resentment. Would he be willing to keep looking?

[TravelingChris]

If the house near his work is unacceptable to you, you need to find another house that is acceptable to both of you. I can't see how you could insist on a daily commute of 60 miles and not only five days a week, but actually 6. That is a lot of driving.

 

I am not saying go with house one mile away. I couldn't deal with one bathroom either. But maybe there is a nice house that is affordable and is five miles from his work, or something like that.

[KidsHappen]

You keep looking until you find a house that you both love, even if you have been searching forever and are just ready to be done. I have lived in houses I have loved and houses I hated and it really does make a huge difference in your emotional health. When you are buying it is really important that you both at least like the house.

[QueenCat]

Personally, I wouldn't buy either house unless you reach an agreement. There will be other houses available at some point that might meet both of your requirements.

 

:iagree: You need to find something that will make both of you happy. Stay put until you reach that, since it doesn't sound like you are actually re-locating for a job.

[MariannNOVA]

You should keep looking till you find something that meets the 'wants' on both of your lists.

 

DH and I have walked out of more than a few homes that he loved and I did not and vice versa.

 

I would suggest that you each make up your 'wish' list and then sit down and combine your lists -- and, yes, some things on each list will likely have to go.....and you mentioned nine people -- you definitely need MORE than one toilet.

[Teachin'Mine]

Tanya it sounds like he's either going to spend a lot of time commuting or waiting for the bathroom. :lol:

 

I would keep looking for something a bit closer to his job. Ask him how much time he's willing to spend commuting, and then use that info to limit your search within that area.

 

I hope you find something you both really like. :)

[katemary63]

My DH would drive 30 minutes for two more toilets in a heartbeat! And we only had 6 in the house at the max. BTW: 30 minutes is considered a reasonable comute in many areas. My DH did that and longer for years. He was quite happy with 30 minutes. But like I said before, find one you both want.

[RoughCollie]

One toliet (his choice) compared to 3 toliets (my choice) with 9 people in the home. =)

 

I would find another house you both like, especially if your DH's main complaint is the 30 mile drive to work.

 

I would never, not in a million years, live in a 1-toilet house with 8 other people. In fact, I would not live in a 1-toilet house with DH ever, unless ... well I can't think of a reason, because DH uses the bathroom as his reading room and if I had an outhouse built just for him, he would never use it (and neither would I).

[Audrey]

My DH would drive 30 minutes for two more toilets in a heartbeat! And we only had 6 in the house at the max. BTW: 30 minutes is considered a reasonable comute in many areas. My DH did that and longer for years. He was quite happy with 30 minutes. But like I said before, find one you both want.

 

 

Same here, that's not long AFAIC, but she did say 30 miles not 30 minutes. 30 miles could take less or longer depending on the traffic on his route.

 

To the OP: I can't imagine being happy with one toilet and 9 people. I can't imagine the catastrophe that poor bathroom would be with 9 people using it every day. If you do end up in the 1 toilet house, I'd make dh clean that bathroom as his part of the compromise.

[SonshineLearner]

Imagine when it has a problem. I guess hopefully most are boys, and that he's ready to have an outhouse...or two...

 

:)

[mammaruss]

In our family we'd keep on talking.

 

Eventually he would tell me that I could have whatever house made me the most happy.

 

I would reply with, No, we'll buy whatever house makes him the most happy.

 

We'd roll our eyes and say, "Oh, don't start that AGAIN."

 

We'd keep talking until we agreed or we'd start looking for a third house that we could agree on.

 

:iagree:Yep--this is what we would do! :lol:

[Guest Cindie2dds]

 

To the OP: I can't imagine being happy with one toilet and 9 people. I can't imagine the catastrophe that poor bathroom would be with 9 people using it every day. If you do end up in the 1 toilet house, I'd make dh clean that bathroom as his part of the compromise.

 

I agree! We have two toilets; one for my dh and one for the girls. Nine people and one toilet? No way. Hopefully you can find a lovely compromise. :)

[RoughCollie]

30 minutes is a long time to commute??

 

 

Sure. If you work a 5 day week, 48 weeks a year, the yearly round trip commute time is the equivalent of:

 

* 240 hours, or

* 10 24-hour days, or

* 30 8-hour days, or

* 6 weeks of full time work.

 

It's probably worse. Tanya said, "One house is 30 miles from his work (the one I want). Other house is 1 mile from his work (the one he wants)."

 

Thirty miles does not always = 30 minutes, especially if there is rush hour traffic along the way.

Edited July 13, 2010 by RoughCollie

[TravelingChris]

My dh has a commute that often lasts 30 minutes. It is about 9 miles. A 30 mile commute here would take two hours, most likely. WHat it takes in Kansas, will probably be different. BUt it is unlikely to take only 30 minutes.

[elfgivas]

sometimes actions make things clearer than words. i'd say to him that i really wanted to find a compromise, but i was worried about one bathroom. i'd suggest blocking off all but one bathroom where you are now. all of you use one. and then either you'll feel better about it, or it will become abundantly self-evident that it is a problem.

 

meanwhile, i'd keep looking.

 

good luck!

ann

 

eta: folks make decisions differently. his personality may be such that he didn't really know how he felt about 30 miles each way until they applied for financing (ie. some folks need to be in the middle of something before they know that it isn't what they want). he may have really wanted his dw to have her horse, but then came face to face with the commute. what is his current commute?

Edited July 13, 2010 by elfgivas@yahoo.com

[Tanya in KS]

30 miles in Kansas = 30 minutes for communte. No rush hour/traffic in the middle of nowhere

 

DH has NEVER commuted for a job in his life. When we were 1st married and I did work, my commute was 30 miles = 30 minuted and I did this for 1.5 years.

 

There are NO other houses to consider. These are the only two that are available that would fit our family. There are no rentals available at all, unless I want to live with cochroaches and I simply can't live in a slum because I have a very immune compromised daughter.

 

Just so frustrating....I just want to scream!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Danestress]

against their wishes. Bummer. I would seriously resent that extra hour (at best) of time away from my family each day. Many people enjoy a commute because they can listen to books on tape or unwind mentally on the drive. But if your husband doesn't feel that way, I think you have to sort of understand that.

 

We are in a situation where DH has a 5 minute commute but I have to drive pretty far for some of our activities. The different is that I get to spend time in the car with one or more children on that commute and I get some choice as to whether we need that activity in our life. So even though sometimes I really wish we had a house near the activity even if it would mean DH had to drive, I think overall it works better this way. Think about what 30 miles each way, six days a week is. It's six hours, at best. Six hours a week is like 3/4 of a workday just driving. And then on top of that, since you are not in agreement about this.

 

I don't think either one of you should just give in on this. If you can't reach a compromise, then I think you should keep looking. Or stop looking for a while and then look again in six months.

[AFwife Claire]

I don't think either one of you should just give in on this. If you can't reach a compromise, then I think you should keep looking. Or stop looking for a while and then look again in six months.

 

I agree--because OP's Dh can't sign her up to live in a house with only one toilet that she doesn't want either. And since she will spend pretty much ALL day in the house, it works out to a lot longer than any commute her DH will have! We only have 7 kids, but I tell you--that one toilet would definitely be a deal-breaker for us! I just simply don't see it working at. all.

 

In all our moves, we've had to look at a lot of houses, and my Dh has had some pretty bizarre things he thought should be priorities or whatever at times. But fortunately he's always had the end attitude of "You'll be in the house all day, so whatever house you prefer, even if I would have personally chosen otherwise." And that's been good, because while he's a great husband and dad, he doesn't really know or pay attention to exactly what is needed in the house to make it all come together and run smoothly, you know?! Some women I know send their DHs ahead of them to the next duty station to househunt, and the dhs just pick out the house for them to live in, sight-unseen for the wife! I am always totally and completely amazed by this! I can not imagine what house my dh would choose, and I'm glad I have never had to, LOL!

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would take this as an indication that you need to stay where you are right now. Neither of these houses meet your families needs - which includes your dh's needs, your needs and the needs of all those kids for more than one bathroom! If your faith includes prayer, I would pray about it.

[simka2]

I can't decide if I'm frustrate with your dh...or just feel really lucky with mine :001_huh:! Dh wouldn't consider one bathroom with our 4 kids let alone 9!!!

 

Here are some of the things dh really enjoys about his commute. Alone time (wish I got this much!), books on tape, cd, mp3, decompression, prayer time...things like that.

 

Since your from Kansas I will give you an illustration of our old commute. We lived in St. Joseph, but dh commutes to Kansas City. With thoudands of other commuters!!!!

 

Sorry, but a 30 min commute doesn't equal 1 bathroom. Plus think resale...1 baths are not a good investment in a larger home.

[Denisemomof4]

Same here, that's not long AFAIC, but she did say 30 miles not 30 minutes. 30 miles could take less or longer depending on the traffic on his route.

 

To the OP: I can't imagine being happy with one toilet and 9 people. I can't imagine the catastrophe that poor bathroom would be with 9 people using it every day. If you do end up in the 1 toilet house, I'd make dh clean that bathroom as his part of the compromise.

 

:iagree: Dh used to drive 62 miles EACH way. He now drives 45 miles EACH WAY. He has his talk shows he loves to listen to. I know the commute gets old, especially in the winter. But he's a trooper and never complains. We love living in the country. It's a compromise.

 

Just think, ONE toilet, NINE people, stomach virus, exploding you know what. What would you do? One toilet will NEVER work with that many people. Never.

[Denisemomof4]

I commute longer than your dh to do a Trader Joe's run. :tongue_smilie: Of course it's not every day.......

 

I would LOVE to be in my car for 30 minutes, twice per day, ALONE. But if your dh is going to resent it, I agree with Jean. I'd wait until more houses become available. You should check with other agents - I find it hard to believe there are only TWO houses to fit your family???

[Aggie]

Would there be *any* way a couple of bathrooms could be added on to the house near dh's office?

 

It probably wouldn't be cheap, but it would definitely add value to the house should you ever decide to sell it.

[katemary63]

I can't decide if I'm frustrate with your dh...or just feel really lucky with mine :001_huh:! Dh wouldn't consider one bathroom with our 4 kids let alone 9!!!

 

:iagree: 1 bathroom for 9 people should not be an option. Why was that house even looked at? That's insane in my book. 1 bathroom house should be off the table, even if it is next to his work and has 30 acres and a horse barn full of free horses.

[Audrey]

I can't decide if I'm frustrate with your dh...or just feel really lucky with mine :001_huh:! Dh wouldn't consider one bathroom with our 4 kids let alone 9!!!

 

:iagree: 1 bathroom for 9 people should not be an option. Why was that house even looked at? That's insane in my book. 1 bathroom house should be off the table, even if it is next to his work and has 30 acres and a horse barn full of free horses.

 

 

Oh now wait! If it comes with a barn full of horses, you could sell off all but one, then use the money to add on a suite of extra bathrooms. :lol:

 

Otherwise... I'd say "no way" to 1 bathroom house.

[Melissa in Australia]

I grew up in a house with 8 children, + 3 foster children that were coming and going with only one bathroom. the toilet was in the bathroom , we had a girl shower day than the next day was boy shower day. there was a roster with who had their shower in the morning or evening. when I was about 15, my parents added another toilet and bathroom on.

[Dobela]

We are looking for a house, and have been for months now. Sometimes DH and I have totally disagreed on a house. I tell him that he has the final say since he is the wage earner and I want him to feel comfortable with what he is buying and not feel pressured into it. (I am the most vocal and opinionated of the 2 of us so that makes a difference) However, we have thoroughly discussed together every house we have looked at and made an offer on.

 

That being said, if you think you will be adding on, before you make an offer, you need to take a construction friend along to see the house and ask their opinion. If the house is on slab, it could be very expensive and difficult for even a small space to be added on with plumbing.

[ConnieB]

We keep looking until we find a house that we both agree on....but then again, we move every few years, so it's a matter of "I can live with this location/room config/commute".

 

If this is a move that you're looking at being "forever" then you definitely need to both be on the same page......or unhappiness will overwhelm other decisions and has the potential to cause harm to the marriage.

 

Now....take that with the grain of salt, as I've never been the "submit" type wife......and if I ever did my husband would probably throw me in the car and high tail it to the ER, lol. But....he also doesn't want that...in fact, he's almost the opposite.....he has such a highly responsible job that when it comes to the rest of his life he really likes the fact that I work through the process to come to the decision and THEN talk to him about it, lol. We often joke if I die, he's in more trouble than I would be if he the only breadwinner in our entire marriage died. And he's probably right....finding a way to earn money is easy compared to all the day to day decisions big and small.

 

So, unless your lifestyle requires that you submit, I'd stand up and tell him your feelings and request that you both keep looking. Maybe you can find a house that fits his "city" needs, but has enough property to fit a horse. Maybe his city needs forgot that you even wanted a horse and were just thinking about the commute times....so once you explain your feelings he'll be willing to make the adjustments. As I said, that's how our family works....we're both pretty bad at remembering likes and dislikes of the other....there are too many little ones running around that we have to try to remember likes and dislikes....so we're careful to remind each other often about the big and little ones. "I don't like BBQ remember, so can we go to this restaurant instead where everything isn't drenched in sauce, but they do have it if you want it". And bigger stuff, lol.

 

Marriage (in my opinion at least) is about making sacrifices, making compromises and giving in when the other persons needs have a higher priority at the moment.......and if only one of you is making those compromises/sacrifices, it's going to eventually become an issue. I see it as similiar to the way we deal with problems with the kids.....is this a mountain I'm willing to die on....or a molehill I'll just step over/around and move past. If it's a mountain than I make that clear.....thankfully most of my mountains are his molehills....and vice versa.....so we've only gone head to head once or twice in several decades of marriage.

 

:grouphug:

[In2why]

Sure. If you work a 5 day week, 48 weeks a year, the yearly round trip commute time is the equivalent of:

 

* 240 hours, or

* 10 24-hour days, or

* 30 8-hour days, or

* 6 weeks of full time work.

 

It's probably worse. Tanya said, "One house is 30 miles from his work (the one I want). Other house is 1 mile from his work (the one he wants)."

 

Thirty miles does not always = 30 minutes, especially if there is rush hour traffic along the way.

 

I had to ask because when we worked we both commuted an hour or a bit more every day. Of course we live in a small town on the Cheasapeake Bay, and almost everyone who live in the area has the same commute. We did it so we could live in the Country so that the kids could have the lifestyle we have, and because we love our community. But then again if we want to go to a Mall, a major hospital, or any of those type of things we also have to drive an hour so it just doesn't seem out of the norm.

[WishboneDawn]

Just one thing, a home should serve the family, not the work of one member of the family.

[RoughCollie]

There are NO other houses to consider. These are the only two that are available that would fit our family. There are no rentals available at all, unless I want to live with cochroaches and I simply can't live in a slum because I have a very immune compromised daughter.

 

In that case, the house with several bathrooms is the only rational choice, IMO.

 

I would not live in a slum or a house with one bathroom unless I was forced to do it -- and DH's commute time would not be the determining factor. The needs of the family have to come before a 30-minute commute.

Edited July 15, 2010 by RoughCollie