Other People's Kids

[Aubrey]

Have you ever successfully talked to a friend about their kids/parenting style? I realize it's a can of worms, & *because* of that, I've never tried.

 

But sometimes. It breaks my heart to watch an interaction. And sometimes...it comes to the point where the friendship is going to have to end if I *don't* say something, but...I know better? I'm scared to death to hurt anyone's feelings?

 

People ask me what my secret is. They joke about taking parenting lessons from me. I wish...there was some kind of...unoffensive way to answer other than shrugging & saying, "I scream, too." :sad:

[Mom2J112903]

My sister and I butt-heads about parenting styles, but she doesn't have a SN child either.

 

I am going to laugh though when her daughter "back fires" on her due to some of the things she *doesn't* do.

 

Thankfully we live 700 miles apart from one another. ;)

 

I have never confronted a friend about their parenting and haven't felt the need to either. Then again, my circle of friends include SN parents and we parent very similar to one another.

[Aubrey]

My sister and I butt-heads about parenting styles, but she doesn't have a SN child either.

 

I am going to laugh though when her daughter "back fires" on her due to some of the things she *doesn't* do.

 

Thankfully we live 700 miles apart from one another. ;)

 

I have never confronted a friend about their parenting and haven't felt the need to either. Then again, my circle of friends include SN parents and we parent very similar to one another.

 

SN?

[Mom2J112903]

SN?

 

SN-Special Needs.

 

J is a "sensory kid" and could be the poster child for SPD-Sensory Processing Disorder.

[Aubrey]

SN-Special Needs.

 

J is a "sensory kid" and could be the poster child for SPD-Sensory Processing Disorder.

 

Oh. My df's spd kid is here now. He's a dream--one of the sweetest dc I've met & ds's bf.

 

Now I understand your post much better.

[FO4UR]

I think the minute you try to give advice, you will burn that bridge.

 

You could probably pull of a joke about going straight to the consequence b/c you are too (lazy, tired, busy...) to go through the whole rigamarole of yelling and escalating and finally giving the consequence anyway.

[Kathleen in VA]

I only offer advice when it's asked for, but, hoo-boy, I sure want to set some folks straight at times. It kills me when people say I was lucky to get such good kids. Luck had absolutely NOTHING to do with it.:tongue_smilie:

[lionfamily1999]

I've found out how to answer the "how do you it?!?" questions with what seems like a cast off remark, "you know, it's all about consistency" or whatever suits that particular friend's needs.

 

I've also found that when our dcs suffer from similar issues (like being 8 and male) I can say something about 'having read somewhere' and it's taken exactly for what it is, a sympathetic mom and friend sharing what worked.

 

What it boils down to is tone. If you make little of it, send it out like a cast off remark, there's no need for defensiveness. If you make it sympathetic (my son does that too) then it's just moms sharing tips. The first thing to check is your own feelings, if you feel superior, then that will come across loud and clear.

[Parrothead]

I have. Of course it was the lady I told you about months ago that had issues with boundaries. I wasn't really worried that the friendship would last. When her kid (with her) came over here and threw a spastic fit that included throwing things at me. I grabbed him by the arm and told him what I thought he needed to hear.

 

She got ticked and they went home. Next day we talked about it and I told her that I have a standard I expect in my home and that does not include having my stuff thrown at me. And I told her if she needed to work on his issues.

 

Her ds was much better behaved when he came over from then on.

 

I haven't seen them in weeks. She got into something I feel bad about gossiping about so I won't say, but I can't approve of it. Maybe if they ever come back the boy will have matured a bit.

[The Girls' Mom]

I've been friends with someone for 18 years, 15 of which I have disagreed with her parenting. I've learned to try to suggest things when she's frustrated and seems to be asking for help, but otherwise I don't bring it up. Her kids aren't in danger physically, and she doesn't abuse them, so it's not worth family strife.

[Carol in Cal.]

Once there was a little boy about 2 years old whose father was pushing him really high on a swing. He was literally screaming in fear, and reaching out his arms to his father, who I knew slightly. It made me literally sick to my stomach--the father was embarrassed and apparently wanted to 'make a man of him' or something. I went over to him and stood next to him and said conversationally, "Well, it's certainly a bore, isn't it, when they start to get anxious about things. Of course, it's really a sign of growth, isn't it, that they can finally understand that there might actually be a danger to them in some activity that they would never have questioned before. Your son is so mature for his age; it's really great." Believe it or not, this worked. He got a little puffy and kind of sheepish, and let the poor kid out of the swing.

 

The other time I talked a friend of mine into going back on antidepressants. I did this by telling her that she is a really good mom, and that I know she wants to be the best possible one, and that she wants that for her children, not just for some stupid axe to grind, so this would help her to be that, to be really more herself. And she did, and it did.

 

But for really fundamental changes ongoing, nope. Sometimes people pick things up from observation, but not always. And it's really, really hard to talk with them about it without burning bridges.

[Lolosoli]

I believe that other people are free to raise their children as they see fit. They are also free to allow their children to treat/dis-respect them as a parent as they see fit.

 

However, in *my* home there is a no yelling, screaming, name-calling, dis-respecting, shaming, bullying, hitting/spanking or putting down of others rule that applies to every person of all ages. That means kids AND adults.

 

Once parents/kids understand this rule at my home things go pretty smoothly and they generally refrain from doing those things to each other when I am around....regardless of who's house we are at.

 

I have no problems telling children not dis-respect their parents in my home and vice versa.

 

I have learned a lot from my friends and I know they have learned from me as well. We do discuss parenting....it is generally in a "what works for me" type manner. Friends should inspire each other to grow and evolve into better parents and people. If that isn't happening I usually do not spend a lot of time with them.

[Sophia]

Once there was a little boy about 2 years old whose father was pushing him really high on a swing. He was literally screaming in fear, and reaching out his arms to his father, who I knew slightly. It made me literally sick to my stomach--the father was embarrassed and apparently wanted to 'make a man of him' or something. I went over to him and stood next to him and said conversationally, "Well, it's certainly a bore, isn't it, when they start to get anxious about things. Of course, it's really a sign of growth, isn't it, that they can finally understand that there might actually be a danger to them in some activity that they would never have questioned before. Your son is so mature for his age; it's really great." Believe it or not, this worked. He got a little puffy and kind of sheepish, and let the poor kid out of the swing.

 

The other time I talked a friend of mine into going back on antidepressants. I did this by telling her that she is a really good mom, and that I know she wants to be the best possible one, and that she wants that for her children, not just for some stupid axe to grind, so this would help her to be that, to be really more herself. And she did, and it did.

 

But for really fundamental changes ongoing, nope. Sometimes people pick things up from observation, but not always. And it's really, really hard to talk with them about it without burning bridges.

 

You sound like good friend Carol.

[Rosie_0801]

But sometimes. It breaks my heart to watch an interaction. And sometimes...it comes to the point where the friendship is going to have to end if I *don't* say something, but...I know better? I'm scared to death to hurt anyone's feelings?

 

The difference here is I'm not scared to hurt someone's feelings if I think it is for a good enough cause. If you are at the point where you are going to have to end the friendship anyway, you might as well come out and say it. "I am about to cross some serious boundaries here, and you probably won't want to speak to me ever again but I feel strongly enough that I feel I have to risk it." On the rare occasion I've used that, the person I'm speaking to has taken it in the spirit it was intended.

 

Rosie

[DaffodilDreams]

I've learned that unless a child is in danger, it's best to leave it alone and let them learn by your example. On the other hand, if you're ready to let the friendship go if they don't change the way they parent a child, then what do you have to lose by saying something? You can either say nothing and let the friendship wane, or say something, risk the friendship (that you may let die anyway), and give the person something to think over after the feelings of insult/anger, etc have passed.

 

ETA: I found out a couple of years ago that my grandparents did say something to my parents about their parenting skills (beyond terrible) and offered to raise me (which they mostly did anyway up until I was 15), but my parents refused the offer and never changed (if anything, things got worse). My parents and I have been estranged for years now - no communication whatsoever. So, I guess what I'm saying is maybe sometimes stepping in can even make things worse for the child. BUT, you can't imagine how it felt to hear about this when I did - to know that someone saw that things weren't right and cared enough to say something on my behalf - even if I did only learn about it well into adulthood.

Edited July 9, 2010 by kimmie38017
Added a note

[Pamela H in Texas]

Most people, even if they ASK for specific help, will not follow through. That, to me, is even more heartbreaking than watching various interactions. And I get frustrated when someone won't follow through and then says "it" won't work. But mostly I'm sad for the child and the parent that they will continue to struggle in this area.

 

I have just decided to share my opinion/experience when it's not going to tear me up inside when the parent chooses not to follow through. On this board is usually safe (except in terms of two posters I've decided to no longer answer), though sometimes I have gotten too involved here too.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Her kids aren't in danger physically, and she doesn't abuse them, so it's not worth family strife.

 

This is key, I think.

 

I've gone the casual comment route before. And I've gone the show-by-example route too. But I've found that people can be very blind to what they really don't want to see. They will respond that "yes, I always step in right away" while the child is throwing a tantrum at their feet and they are ignoring it.

[ktog29]

See, when I ask for parenting advice and help, I REALLY do want it. Sometimes, being with my kids day in and day out, I lose sight of what I should expect and what I should not tolerate. I think it's much worse to go through life thinking you're doing and ok job with the children, only to find out later that everyone thinks your kids are brats.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[Jean in Newcastle]

See, when I ask for parenting advice and help, I REALLY do want it. Sometimes, being with my kids day in and day out, I lose sight of what I should expect and what I should not tolerate. I think it's much worse to go through life thinking you're doing and ok job with the children, only to find out later that everyone thinks your kids are brats.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

Me too but I've found that to be rather rare. The thing is though that I find asking a question like that in a forum like this one is easier and better than one-on-one in person. When I ask for parenting advice here I get a range of replies and I can read them and mull them over in private and then apply as needed. In real life, people are staring at you and wanting your reaction right away (or so it seems). Of course the benefit though is that they've actually seen you with your kids rather than just read your version of what is going on with your kids. . . .

[Chris in VA]

Oh, I SO wanted to parent someone's child for them today.

But I didn't.

 

sigh

 

I hear you, Aubrey.

[kmacnchs]

Have you ever successfully talked to a friend about their kids/parenting style?

 

I have for various reasons:

 

A friend in particular WORSHIPS her kids (really) and will tell me about great parenting books (her kids are TERRORS imo) so I will say something like, "oh, I've never heard of that one...you know, I just read a GREAT one that talks about x,y,and z" Our kids are the same age and normally I'll talk about a problem I am having and how I know 'this' is the way it should be handled but it is hard or something (so I don't sound holier than thou)...

 

Another friend's kid is horrible and she knows it but she feels helpless (and blames it on his gender :glare:). I just try to be a good example when I am around her and don't take his crap (tell him, "please don't speak to me like that, that's not kind" when he yells at me for no reason - he yells at her too and that's my way of telling them BOTH that it is unacceptable). His behavior comes up a lot and I just do the same thing - try to humble myself (talking about what issues I have (we all have them)), and then talk about how I learned (or am learning) to deal with it (great Bible verses, a technique I never thought of before, etc.).

 

No bridges have been burned thus far...

We don't hang out a TON but that is b/c *I* avoid it (my kids come back with sour attitudes (pick things up from the other kids) and lots of crying (the other kids are mean and rude)).

[kmacnchs]

See, when I ask for parenting advice and help, I REALLY do want it. Sometimes, being with my kids day in and day out, I lose sight of what I should expect and what I should not tolerate. I think it's much worse to go through life thinking you're doing and ok job with the children, only to find out later that everyone thinks your kids are brats.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

ME TOO! Even when friends have said things in not-such-nice ways, once I got over being hurt, I will normally go back to them and say how I did not realize how harsh my tone was (for example) and thank you for pointing it out, etc.

[sassenach]

I have 1 friend, who is more like a sister, that I have confronted. She and I have a unique relationship in that I can always tell her exactly how I feel, because she knows without a doubt that I love her. I have had to call her out a couple of times over the years and it has always gone well. I can only really imagine it working if you have a relationship like that. Otherwise I would just bite my tongue.

[Aubrey]

Partly I was asking to make sure I was really right to keep my mouth shut. Fwiw, I don't even say much in my own home. Your 3yo wants 10 different cups & you'd rather help yourself to them for her than tell her no? Um...ok.

 

The whining is hard. Watching kids pick flowers from other people's flower beds while their parents shrug & say, "What are you going to do? How are you going to tell a 3yo she can't pick flowers?" (Um...you say, "Sweetie, don't pick those." But I realize it's rhetorical & smile awkwardly.)

 

I'm talking about something more extreme. The gray area where CPS does flit through your mind. Maybe someone admits they don't know what to do but they're also too self-concious about the problem to really talk about it. Where sibling behavior is dangerous to ea other--not play fighting, you understand--& the situations always escalate *simply* because the parents aren't *really* listening seriously to the kids' concerns.

 

I'm talking about dear, long-time friends, not people you see on an off day or a casual acquaintance. People whose kids are really hurting but *could* be helped, whose parents *want* to do the right thing, are very involved, kind, smart, etc.

 

I don't have time to post as well as I'd like--lol, there are 6 kids running around the house (literally) right now. Thanks for sharing, guys.

[MaMa2005]

I only offer advice when it's asked for, but, hoo-boy, I sure want to set some folks straight at times. It kills me when people say I was lucky to get such good kids. Luck had absolutely NOTHING to do with it.:tongue_smilie:

 

:iagree: I have 2 grandchildren that are older that DS and we often get the same reactions - how did we get so lucky to have children (2 grown, 1 little) and grandchildren (who are teenagers) that are so sweet, nice, polite and well behaved. Well, I wonder what the common denominator is?!?!?

[Sophia]

I'm talking about something more extreme. The gray area where CPS does flit through your mind. Maybe someone admits they don't know what to do but they're also too self-concious about the problem to really talk about it. Where sibling behavior is dangerous to ea other--not play fighting, you understand--& the situations always escalate *simply* because the parents aren't *really* listening seriously to the kids' concerns.

 

I'm talking about dear, long-time friends, not people you see on an off day or a casual acquaintance. People whose kids are really hurting but *could* be helped, whose parents *want* to do the right thing, are very involved, kind, smart, etc.

 

 

I grew up watching two families whose children are like what you are describing. Because I was a kid, I knew more than the adults did-of course, I thought they were all aware of the dynamics too-and it puzzled me that no one stopped or even truly acknowledged the dysfunction.

 

My mom and I have talked about it as adults, and she said there was nothing she could do...her help/advice would not have been welcomed.

 

I don't know what *you* can or should do.

We tend to have friends as couples, so I'd probably coax dh into nonchalantly saying something to the other dad (if I felt the situation was extreme as you say.) He's really good at that kind of stuff.

[Guest janainaz]

If I were doing something so harmful to my kids, I would want to know, even it hurt.

 

We are all flawed and screwed up in our own ways. Some people can embrace that truth, and some can't.

 

But it's always worth losing a friend if you are speaking truth.

[LibraryLover]

Interesting.

 

I *think* I have helped some friends...but I stumble along myself...

Edited July 14, 2010 by LibraryLover

[Sparkle]

That is a tricky situation to be in. Generally speaking, if it's not a serious matter, I will bite my tongue, and limit my time around the offending people. If it's a borderline or dangerous situation, I would say something and to heck with the friendship. I would probably try couching it first in a non-judgmental but concerned way, "You know, some people might view your child's behavior as abusive...are you concerned with the way he's acting?" or "I've noticed Johnny's behavior is escalating and he doesn't seem to be outgrowing these tendencies...have you asked your pediatrician about it?" Or "My friend had a child who used to do that and she did XYZ with him and it helped so much." Sometimes parents really do want advice or help and just don't know how to ask for it. If I thought something potentially dangerous was going on, I would say something.

[Crissy]

Most people, even if they ASK for specific help, will not follow through.

 

Yes. I find this to be true quite often.

I think it is because the 'follow through' is the hardest part.

 

I had a teenager issue last month, and it broke my heart to follow through on the agreed discipline. He took it like a champ, and told me not to worry so much, that he knew he'd have to give up his week away with his best friends. Still, it was difficult to take away something that big.

I think that's why most people don't do it. In the short term, it's easier to give in.

[ereks mom]

I've found out how to answer the "how do you it?!?" questions with what seems like a cast off remark, "you know, it's all about consistency" or whatever suits that particular friend's needs.

 

I've also found that when our dcs suffer from similar issues (like being 8 and male) I can say something about 'having read somewhere' and it's taken exactly for what it is, a sympathetic mom and friend sharing what worked.

 

What it boils down to is tone. If you make little of it, send it out like a cast off remark, there's no need for defensiveness. If you make it sympathetic (my son does that too) then it's just moms sharing tips. The first thing to check is your own feelings, if you feel superior, then that will come across loud and clear.

 

Yes, I agree. My kids are really GOOD kids, and we get the "how did you do it" question all. the. time. And yes, we've made that "it's all about consistency" remark a LOT too. (FWIW, dh & I have observed that most of the parenting problems we've seen IRL actually ARE the result of a lack of consistency on the part of the parents.)

 

My kids are 20yob & 15yog, while my SIL's are 14yob & 9yog--so we both have a boy who is 5 years older than his younger sister. Both of hers have behavioral AND academic issues that neither of mine ever had, though, so she frequently asks me for advice. Because she is family, and we know each other well, I can be more blunt with her than I can with other people who seek me out for parenting pointers. With other people, I have to bite my tongue a lot. ;)

[Guest Cindie2dds]

I only offer advice when it's asked for, but, hoo-boy, I sure want to set some folks straight at times. It kills me when people say I was lucky to get such good kids. Luck had absolutely NOTHING to do with it.:tongue_smilie:

 

 

:iagree:

[Guest janainaz]

Maybe this is for another thread, but I had a crazy and insane upbringing and I turned out 'ok'. My kids are wonderful kids, not perfect, but truly wonderful. I believe I'm a good, but not perfect parent. I don't take credit for how they behave. Much of how they act comes straight from within them. Yes, I do play a part, but only to a degree.

[Kathleen in VA]

All the credit for my children being "good kids" goes to God and God alone. He graciously led me to the right mentors, right church, scriptures, husband, parenting books, articles, etc. that taught me what I never learned from my own parents. He has worked in my children's hearts and drawn them to Him. Like I said, luck has absolutely nothing to do with it.

[jewellsmommy]

Maybe this is for another thread, but I had a crazy and insane upbringing and I turned out 'ok'. My kids are wonderful kids, not perfect, but truly wonderful. I believe I'm a good, but not perfect parent. I don't take credit for how they behave. Much of how they act comes straight from within them. Yes, I do play a part, but only to a degree.

 

I agree.

 

There are 2 psychology schools of thought on this. One is that children are born "blank slates" and everything they become is determined by how they are raised. I don't believe that for a second. The other is that children are born with their own personalities, tendencies etc. It is the old "nature vs nurture" argument. Of course, how you parent will change or shape a child but It drives me nuts to hear people say "well, if that were my child______." (just a personal thing with me, not really related to the op at all) I just don't believe in one size fits all parenting. And I have yet to meet a parent sooo masterfully supreme that they could "fix" everyone elses children.

 

Some children are easier to parent than others. I see this in a friend who has 2 very different children. They are close in age but he is just a tougher cookie. He requires more oversight and effort.

 

Sorry for the mini-rant.

 

As far as the op, if the issue is truly a safety issue then gently and lovingly speak up and avoid judgmental statements. If it truly comes from a place of concern then she is likely to see that.

[BlsdMama]

Point her to a website the next time she looks like she wants to pull her hair out.

 

http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com

 

 

Just an idea.

[BlsdMama]

 

Some children are easier to parent than others. I see this in a friend who has 2 very different children. They are close in age but he is just a tougher cookie. He requires more oversight and effort.

 

 

 

I'll vouch for that. :) That said, after allowing for difficulties and personalities there is a certain amount of teaching & training that can be done. I believe as long as Mama is doing the required oversight and effort than those efforts should be respected. If Mama isn't and it's causing problems ..... Then you'll have to decide how much you're willing to stand by and listen to her be upset. I don't mind when someone gets frustrated over parenting. I mind when they ask advice and then refuse to put any effort into parenting and then continue to complain.

 

That said I try to never give advice. When we had Child #1 we were just CERTAIN we had it all figured out. Child #2 absolutely verified it, after all he was a boy and they were both great kids. Child #3 caused me to doubt a little... She was a high touch baby, cried a lot, etc., but she became a very happy toddler. Obviously we were doing something right, right? Yeah, at Child #4 I thought I was going to lose my mind. Child #5 has given me serious consideration to public school. We're now five years into exhaustive training with him and we're starting to see fruit, lol. It was worth all the planting, weeding, and cultivating, but wow, that was work. Now we have eight fairly normal, fairly sweet, pretty obedient, mostly pleasant children. I DO believe there are parenting styles that lend itself to children that are easier to get along with. I also believe you begin to earnestly search for these methods about four kids into the game. Some people just need a lot MORE children so they get desperate! :P

 

But, in the end? In the teen years? You'd better have a real RELATIONSHIP with them.

Edited July 10, 2010 by BlsdMama

[jewellsmommy]

I'll vouch for that. :) That said, after allowing for difficulties and personalities there is a certain amount of teaching & training that can be done. I believe as long as Mama is doing the required oversight and effort than those efforts should be respected. If Mama isn't and it's causing problems ..... Then you'll have to decide how much you're willing to stand by and listen to her be upset. I don't mind when someone gets frustrated over parenting. I mind when they ask advice and then refuse to put any effort into parenting and then continue to complain.

 

That said I try to never give advice. When we had Child #1 we were just CERTAIN we had it all figured out. Child #2 absolutely verified it, after all he was a boy and they were both great kids. Child #3 caused me to doubt a little... She was a high touch baby, cried a lot, etc., but she became a very happy toddler. Obviously we were doing something right, right? Yeah, at Child #4 I thought I was going to lose my mind. Child #5 has given me serious consideration to public school. We're now five years into exhaustive training with him and we're starting to see fruit, lol. It was worth all the planting, weeding, and cultivating, but wow, that was work. Now we have eight fairly normal, fairly sweet, pretty obedient, mostly pleasant children. I DO believe there are parenting styles that lend itself to children that are easier to get along with. I also believe you begin to earnestly search for these methods about four kids into the game. Some people just need a lot MORE children so they get desperate! :P

 

But, in the end? In the teen years? You'd better have a real RELATIONSHIP with them.

 

 

Yes, I totally get what you are saying, even though we have 1. We have had those times as seasons in her life. We have always joked that God only gave us one but she is like 3 children in one. We followed tomato-staking for a year when dd was 5. She had gotten out of hand for awhile and it was due to our lack of strictness and consistency through her youngest ages. But, in our defense dd was very ill with MRSA and underwent several surgeries and it is hard to deny a toddler with a pic-line sticking in her body when she looked like death warmed over. I greatly resented all the "advice" we got because this particular person had no idea what it was like to be us.

[12Stars]

See, when I ask for parenting advice and help, I REALLY do want it. Sometimes, being with my kids day in and day out, I lose sight of what I should expect and what I should not tolerate. I think it's much worse to go through life thinking you're doing and ok job with the children, only to find out later that everyone thinks your kids are brats.

 

Just my 2 cents.

 

My thoughts exactly. I do ask for help, because I don't know how to handle all aspects of raising my children. We also have a child with ASP and SPD, he can really throw for a loop. So I am in constant learning mode. Being open to what ever anyone has to share. I leave the bad and take the good.

[Peela]

I think the roots of our style of parenting can go very deep. Even if we dont feel we were ideally parented, something in our past probably helped us become the parents we are today...as well as our innate nature, our present circumstances etc.

I have a gf who is a single mum and really struggles. I am not sure why she struggles as much as she does because social security here is pretty good for single mums, and I didnt struggle as much as she did when I was a single mum. But she tends to be down a fair bit. Her parenting style annoyed me for years because she would give her daughter a wishy washy boundary and then not back it up. The daughter constantly interupted adult conversation and I found it really annoying but that level of being irritated, while trying to be a loving mum, was normal to her so she didn't notice. (and to her credit she probably never yelled as much as I have, if at all- she had a high tolerance level for her daughter just interupting constantly!)

 

Then my friend went to university to study psychology and one day she said to me she now understood so much more about parenting and how kids need good solid boundaries. She was almost apologising to me...she was saying she realised I already knew that, but she hadnt really realised it before studying developmental psychology. I think her mum was a single mum too, and you know some kids just dont need the same level of boundary enforcing that others do, so she had never experienced it.

 

SO....since she said that I have been more empathic that people just.dont.know sometimes. It hasnt entered their consciousness that there is a better way. And if it has, they are so beat down by life that they cant lift themselves high enough to find out more and implement it.

 

I am a reader. I have read a lot of parenting books. I honestly used to presume every parent did that. But they dont. My friend didnt.

 

I am not sure if saying anything to my friend would have helped her until she had a context for herself and some authority and a deeper understanding of why certain parenting methods tend to produce pretty well behaved and decent kids, and others don't. So in a way I am glad I didnt say anything offhand, even though I am sure she knew I was a little annoyed. She really was doing her best.

 

But when it comes to more serious stuff, I certinaly agree with Rosie- if you arent going back anyway, say something. I havent actually been in that situation.

[Miss Sherry]

It is very risky to give parental advice to friends and acquaintances. Unless it is worth it or necessary to risk the relationship over it, it is not advisable. I think it also depends on if you think the other parent is open to your input.

My daughter told me about inappropriate behavior of a friend of hers who came to spend the night after not seeing this friend for a long time and I felt obligated to tell her Mom about what happened. My daughter was not really wanting to have this girl over but the girl really wanted to come so my daughter gave in and invited her. What happened was this girl was engaging in s#xua! behavior with a neighbor boy -who she had only just met that evening - on our front porch, which of course was extremely upsetting to my daughter so I noticed my dd was upset and when I asked her what she was upset about she told me what had happened.

I knew this would be hard for her Mom to hear so I prayed about it and was very careful to speak to the Mom in a nonjudgemental and caring tone. However, even though I did my best to deliver this negative news carefully the Mom ended up treating me very poorly and acted offended towards me and 2 of my daughters. What I think was going on is that her daughter had some mental health issues, but there is a lot more to the story that makes me think that than I can tell here. Sometimes life is just not fair and it can be painful.

The Mom was actually down right mean to us after that, which was just plain wrong on her part. That is what happens sometimes, even when you know you are doing the right thing. I really think some parents want you to play the game with them that everything is O.K. and just don't say anything different, no matter what. But regardless, you have to be able to live with your own conscience even if it makes other parents mad.

I do know that telling that Mom what her daughter had done caused her not to put her in public high school. The Mom told me her and her dh were planning on putting her in p.s. high school but after I told her of that incident and of another incident my dd had told me about her parents changed their minds and decided she had to have much closer supervision. This was a kid that would literally do devious things right in the next room even though the risk of being caught was high. Strange.

Even though me telling that Mom about her childs behavior was helpful for the decisions they were making about her it was still a painful time for me to be treated so badly by her Mom when I was just being responsible and putting myself out to do the right thing. If you have to be the bearer of bad news brace yourself to be treated like somehow you are somewhat to blame for that bad news.

I think it hurt the Moms pride and she took that out on me and my girls.

Edited July 10, 2010 by Miss Sherry

[unsinkable]

changed my mind

[Aubrey]

Thanks, guys. This is a situation where the opportunity to say anything is pretty much over, &...I guess I mostly wanted assurance that not saying anything was the right choice. I think...a lot of parents don't *really* listen to their kids or respect their feelings enough to understand what they're trying to say. But whereas in some situations I've seen that play out where one kid always gets in trouble, even if he's not to blame *this* time (poor kid--what motivation to do better?)--

 

this situation is different. Df has said she suspects other issues, but she won't follow through for...a variety of reasons that...well, like I said. I've acted like it's none of my business, & I love her & her kids dearly, but since I *do* care, I can't help wishing she'd..."get some help" in the pediatric, counseling, psychological, etc broad sense. Just for the sake of being non-specific. Specifically, we've skirted that issue, & she had strong feelings against "help." Which probably means not saying anything was all I could do.

 

But you know how sometimes behavior makes you want to shave your eyeballs? I'm just sayin'. And this is a child. The teen yrs can't be good for this family. I *hope* I'm wrong, & I'll just be so embarrassed for having thought all of this in a few yrs when everything's actually ok.

[OrganicAnn]

I'll reply even though it sounds like you've resolved your original issue.

 

I find it easier to give advice about parenting when the issue isn't too touchy. Also I'll talk about an article I've read or a book. So if a friend has an issue with one of her kids. I'm more likely to send an email with the link to an article. "You know how I like these education/parenting articles. I thought of you and Jimmie when I read this one."

 

Another thing to do is just talk about your own issues and how you worked on it (not even saying they could do the same). "I went through a rough patch last year with Susie not listen to what I said. I just had to be consistent and calm. I'm glad we got pass that problem." Most of us have had issues and worked on them.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I've been in a number of situations where I've been able to predict the general outcome of a family situation. Not all of my predictions were sad ones but many have been. I have not been happy when my predictions come true. I've found it so hard when these same moms have lamented to me "what did I do wrong?" It seems like a blow below the belt if I were to tell them. And honestly, they didn't want to know how they were going wrong when it wasn't too late to do something about it. I did have one mom come to me later and say "I wish I had listened".

 

I do have hope for them and for myself because I know that God can work with me and them and bring about healing in us and our families whenever we are humble enough to reach out to Him. But I think you can't avoid the regret in those situations.