s/o Strong Marriage thread. Am I the only one who doesn't need dates?

[mrsrevmeg]

We don't feel the that either. We do not have a sitter we can trust. We would spend the whole date worrying about the kids. My husband has a job that allows him to be home a lot. We spend so much time together at home or going places as a family. Granted, none of our kids are babies or toddlers. Things are more stressful during that stage of life.

[Joanne]

We don't need dates. We spend time together at home and we love spending time with the children as a family. :)

 

I assume that nearly everyone reading this and posting here does. :confused:

 

In fact, I assume most families do.

 

Loving spending time as a family is not mutually exclusive with adult-only time or each of the family individuals having "non family time".

[kmacnchs]

Really?I personally believe both extremes are unhealthy. The scripted, mandated "couch time" instituted by some parenting advocates, the "marriage came first" and "your spouse will be there after your kids so you'd better nuture the marriage MY way" stuff is icky.

 

I hear what you are saying but I do think that I need to put my dh first when he is home. I put the kids first the whole day so when he is home, I try to be very in tuned to his needs...I know this makes me sound like a bad mamma but I do think our marriage needs to come first in the big picture. If I am not close/in tuned/whatever w/my dh, it reflects on how I interact with my kids and on my attitude in general.

 

Healthy families have a lot of time together, healthy marriages have some no-kid alone time and healthy marriages and families have some time and space away, too.

 

I agree with that. That is specifically why I could never be on board with the attachment parenting stuff. SO NOT KNOCKING IT - just saying, it's not for us. We don't have any family we trust to keep our kids so our built in no-kid alone time is naps (mamma recharge time) and at night (they go to sleep at 8pm IN THEIR OWN ROOMS AND BEDS). Whenever friends tell me their kids sleep in their rooms/beds I want to scream, "When do you have sex!?!?!" (I don't of course :lol:) For us, having that place and time for us is important - not necessarily going out for dinner & a movie...

[jazzyfizzle]

Funny — I just had this exact conversation with friend of mine. She asked if DH and I have "date nights" and I laughed and said no, we never do that. She looked shocked and started asking probing questions like there was something terribly wrong with our marriage. :lol:

 

We spend tons of time together (DH works from home), we talk all. the. time. about everything — news, politics, the kids, what books we're reading, some article in Scientific American one of us flagged for the other. We talk for hours every night after the kids go to bed. I enjoy cooking and most of the time I consider restaurants a waste of money. I'd rather watch a movie on Netflix curled up on the sofa with DH and a glass of wine than go to a movie theater. I feel like I've been on a "date" with DH for the last 16 years, why would we need to sit in a restaurant just to talk to each other??? :confused:

 

Jackie

 

 

:iagree: Same here! I am also glad to hear we are not the only ones!

[Nestof3]

Exactly. It's like saying I won't go to the store alone or out with a friend because I love spending time with my family too much. If a girl friend of mine called to see if I could meet her for coffee, I am sure she would think me bonkers if I said, "No, sorry. I enjoy spending time with my family too much."

 

I assume that nearly everyone reading this and posting here does. :confused:

 

In fact, I assume most families do.

 

Loving spending time as a family is not mutually exclusive with adult-only time or each of the family individuals having "non family time".

[Retired]

The idea of a marriage needing date nights is the post modern age. My DH and I are both from parents with long marriages. We never saw our parents go on dates. My parents rarely went anywhere without us because they couldn't afford a babysitter and groceries. My dh's parents were the same way. We saw how to make a marriage work. My parents have been married 41 years and dh's parents were married 46 years prior to his dad dying last year.

 

The idea that marriage is about dating. I guess to us it was always about the commitment and sticking through the hard times. The funny thing is the couples we know that fell into the date night and keeping the love alive have always been in debt, bankrupt and then divorces.

 

It seems wiser in a marriage to have a stable money situation, which means not spending money on frivolous stuff, thats what keeps marriage from being a battle field. Oh and also lots and lots of tea time:D

 

We have only been on 2 vacations without kids. We have just recently began going out just the 2 of us because we now have teenagers that have their own social life and we are financially stable. This was not the case when our kids were younger.

[jazzyfizzle]

I'm not anti-date. We just don't need them enough to hunt down a sitter and pay for the outing. :D

 

But we are pretty lame. We stand in the card area of Target and show each other what $5 card we would have bought each other for our anniversary and then we use our saved $10 to buy a book. LOL.

 

 

Love it too!

 

:thumbup:

[Joanne]

I agree with that. That is specifically why I could never be on board with the attachment parenting stuff. SO NOT KNOCKING IT - just saying, it's not for us. We don't have any family we trust to keep our kids so our built in no-kid alone time is naps (mamma recharge time) and at night (they go to sleep at 8pm IN THEIR OWN ROOMS AND BEDS). Whenever friends tell me their kids sleep in their rooms/beds I want to scream, "When do you have sex!?!?!" (I don't of course :lol:) For us, having that place and time for us is important - not necessarily going out for dinner & a movie...

 

See? I *did* the AP stuff and I don't see it as mutually exclusive to healthy relationships, either. I see AP as an relating to the early parenting years (I know some authors/people try to make it "fit" for olders). I see being physically close to littles, often, as a function of childhood development and biology. It's a season of life dictated by the relatively larger hands on needs of small children.

 

I hear what you are saying but I do think that I need to put my dh first when he is home. I put the kids first the whole day so when he is home, I try to be very in tuned to his needs...I know this makes me sound like a bad mamma but I do think our marriage needs to come first in the big picture. If I am not close/in tuned/whatever w/my dh, it reflects on how I interact with my kids and on my attitude in general.

 

I think that setting it up as a "first" or already determined priority is something that I will always view as unhealthy. I think it's a false (and possibly damaging) dichotomy. "Marriage first" and "children first" aren't the issue. Triage is done by whose needs are the greatest in the moment - determined by urgency, age, developmental readiness, etc.

 

I can be tuned in and responsive to everyone and the older the people in the picture, the more maturity with which they (including me) have to understand when the needs of the others come first and delayed gratification is a virtue.

 

I can't imagine stating priority of the marriage over the kids OR vice versa.

[LibraryLover]

LOL Exactly.

 

Exactly. It's like saying I won't go to the store alone or out with a friend because I love spending time with my family too much. If a girl friend of mine called to see if I could meet her for coffee, I am sure she would think me bonkers if I said, "No, sorry. I enjoy spending time with my family too much."

[LibraryLover]

Family -bedders tend to get creative about sex. I know we did. :D Who needs a bed?

[Joanne]

LOL!! Yes! I think the martyr competition gets a little old. The phases of this martyrdom ebb and flow, too, so that I can't keep up with which is more righteous: to have gone through a longer, more complicated labor than the next mom, to have have had more children in X number of years (or X number of children, period!), to be the LEAST fun homeschool mom--fun? There's no FUN in homeschooling!--to have gone on the fewest vacations or dates EVER, to have known my spouse for the shortest--or is it longest?--time before tying the knot...or the most self-sacrificing combination of any of these! Whew. I'm so boring. ;)

 

These threads read to me like a sporting event being hosted on TV:

 

 

*In commentator voice*

 

In the red, we have curlymomof5. She's not had a date since the Y2K scare! Impressive skills!

 

In the blue, we have storyoftheworldMomof4adoptedkids. She's surpassed curlymomof5 by 5 years!

 

In violet, we have blessingsabound. After a few false starts when blessingsabound had regular monthly dates, she joined the race coming on strong having not had more than a trip through the bank's drive through without her husband and kids.

 

It orange, we have IamMomHearMeRoar who has shared the same air as her family since Rush Limbaugh's first marriage.

 

It's going to be a close race, folks! Back after commercials.

[kmacnchs]

I think that setting it up as a "first" or already determined priority is something that I will always view as unhealthy. I think it's a false (and possibly damaging) dichotomy. "Marriage first" and "children first" aren't the issue. Triage is done by whose needs are the greatest in the moment - determined by urgency, age, developmental readiness, etc.

 

That's why I said marriage first "overall". Obviously I am going to feed, etc. my children - not going to ignore them when daddy gets home...It's hard to explain my mentality, I guess b/c it is more of an emotion...hmmm...

 

Maybe I make it a priority to spend time w/my hubby/do whatever he wants, etc. b/c there is so little time (he has 1 full time & 2 pt jobs) - no need to make it a priority to spend more time w/my kids b/c I do that everyday anyway!

[Wheres Toto]

DH and I used to go out mainly on our anniversary, birthday's, etc. - special occassions. We recently decided to start going out at least once a month to have time to really talk together. We have a babysitter right here at home that we trust and don't need to pay anything (she owes us for a very elaborate sweet 16 party). I also don't care if all we do is go sit at Panera with a cup of tea, its just a quiet break together. I don't think I would say we NEED it, but it is something we WANT to do.

 

I love my children and enjoy being around them but they are very young, which means very needy. It's very difficult to have a coherent conversation, watch a movie or do anything else without constant interruptions. A peaceful break to talk about whatever and just relax is appealing. My kids are (and always have been) lousy sleepers so we tend to go to bed not long after they do and none of them nap (except the teenager, LOL) so we can't get a break that way.

 

Edited to add: Two days a week while oldest dd is at dance, I get a couple hours away from kids and DH. And I like it. I usually go hang out at Panera (I love Panera) with my laptop or a book and a cup of tea and chocolate danish. It gives me a chance to slow down and just chill.

Edited June 12, 2010 by dottieanna29

[Jami]

But we live in the time we live in. Profound, eh? Dh and I recognize that our expectations and desires for our marriage look different than my parents' or grandparents'. We parent differently as well. Perhaps going out separately with friends or just the two of us is frivolous. But I can tell you I'd rather spend the money doing this if it's important to my husband than trying to afford a divorce. :(

 

 

 

The idea of a marriage needing date nights is the post modern age. My DH and I are both from parents with long marriages. We never saw our parents go on dates. My parents rarely went anywhere without us because they couldn't afford a babysitter and groceries. My dh's parents were the same way. We saw how to make a marriage work. My parents have been married 41 years and dh's parents were married 46 years prior to his dad dying last year.

 

The idea that marriage is about dating. I guess to us it was always about the commitment and sticking through the hard times. The funny thing is the couples we know that fell into the date night and keeping the love alive have always been in debt, bankrupt and then divorces.

 

It seems wiser in a marriage to have a stable money situation, which means not spending money on frivolous stuff, thats what keeps marriage from being a battle field. Oh and also lots and lots of tea time:D

 

We have only been on 2 vacations without kids. We have just recently began going out just the 2 of us because we now have teenagers that have their own social life and we are financially stable. This was not the case when our kids were younger.

[Mom-ninja.]

Dh and I don't date either. We don't go away for weekends or other vacations.

 

I feel my marriage is very strong even without dates.

 

Dh and I have talked about it. We've noticed that we are the exception when it comes to other married couples we know. We just kind of shrug our shoulders. We understand that every thing has a season, and right now our dc are young. They need us more than we need dates. That will change as they get older. Dh and I are in complete agreement that we, as adults, will sacrifice our needs before the childrens'. We understood that when we decided to have children.

 

Now, that said, I do need a couple hours of time away from the kids every now and then. So DH spends time with the kids so I can recharge. :001_smile: That is what keeps our marriage strong!

[Jami]

Sorry, I'm still feeling frustrated by the "it was good enough for previous generations to not focus on dating or romance in marriage" argument. Not that the two are synonymous, but by "dating" we're talking about cultivating the marriage relationship apart from the parenting relationship. Public school was good enough for most of us and our parents too, but most of us have chosen a different path that suits our world, expectations, and opportunities today. And a long marriage isn't indicative of a happy marriage, cultural stigma against divorce (not a completely bad thing) meant that many people stayed married despite affairs, heartbreak, loneliness, etc. And I'm not a "marriage is supposed to be about making me happy" person. Marriage is a picture of Christ and his church, there is something in the fabric of the universe that is reflected in marriage. So don't hear a "make me happy" argument here. BUT, the Christian marriage or the Christian life is the marriage and life lived out by those who follow Christ. It's not prescribed in such a narrow way as "how it was done in the 1880s, or 1950s, or 1980s." Christians living out authentic and Christ-centered marriages in 2010 America should feel free to look at the importance of romance, passion, joy, dating, whatever in their marriages if those things are truly important needs. Even if those needs have been somewhat culturally cultivated, though they need to be held up to God's word, certainly and not accepted without reservation. But as a 34 year old woman in this post-modern time, I need to figure out what my marriage should look like, based on my dreams and desires (shaped by my identity in Christ) and not based on what my mother wanted in her marriage or my grandmother.

 

:) I hope that's clear. Our marriage was hurt by my expectations of what the "proper Christian marriage and family" should look like.

 

Jami

[Nestof3]

Whoa! I never said dates were needed to make a marriage work. That would mean that those without money to spend on dates were desitined for divorce.

 

No, no, no. No one here ever said marriage is about dating, and if anyone tries to tell you that the reason their marriage stayed together was because they went on dates once a week -- don't believe it.

 

A marriage cannot stay together just because you go on weekly dates. Marriage cannot stay together just because you have sex once a week. Marriages cannot stay together just because you pray nightly together. There is no exact FORMULA.

 

Just to let you know we aren't nearing bankruptcy because of our weekly dates, though. We are debt-free -- house and all. As I stated before, date nights are a way of my husband blessing me by giving me a night off from cooking. It's a time when he can enjoy the fruits of his labors with only me. He does enjoy that time a lot. In fact, he's the one that mentions date nights. He'll call up in the middle of the day or leave me a little note on the computer asking for a date. :001_smile:

 

The idea of a marriage needing date nights is the post modern age. My DH and I are both from parents with long marriages. We never saw our parents go on dates. My parents rarely went anywhere without us because they couldn't afford a babysitter and groceries. My dh's parents were the same way. We saw how to make a marriage work. My parents have been married 41 years and dh's parents were married 46 years prior to his dad dying last year.

 

The idea that marriage is about dating. I guess to us it was always about the commitment and sticking through the hard times. The funny thing is the couples we know that fell into the date night and keeping the love alive have always been in debt, bankrupt and then divorces.

 

It seems wiser in a marriage to have a stable money situation, which means not spending money on frivolous stuff, thats what keeps marriage from being a battle field. Oh and also lots and lots of tea time:D

 

We have only been on 2 vacations without kids. We have just recently began going out just the 2 of us because we now have teenagers that have their own social life and we are financially stable. This was not the case when our kids were younger.

[Mom-ninja.]

These threads read to me like a sporting event being hosted on TV:

 

 

*In commentator voice*

 

In the red, we have curlymomof5. She's not had a date since the Y2K scare! Impressive skills!

 

In the blue, we have storyoftheworldMomof4adoptedkids. She's surpassed curlymomof5 by 5 years!

 

In violet, we have blessingsabound. After a few false starts when blessingsabound had regular monthly dates, she joined the race coming on strong having not had more than a trip through the bank's drive through without her husband and kids.

 

It orange, we have IamMomHearMeRoar who has shared the same air as her family since Rush Limbaugh's first marriage.

 

It's going to be a close race, folks! Back after commercials.

 

 

:lol::lol:

 

 

To those who feel offended....let it go. No one but you and your partner decide what is needed in your marriage. There is no right or wrong answer. As long as everyone in your family agrees and are getting their needs met then be happy. :D

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

I think maybe another factor in this is the babysitter issue. If you don't have someone you can trust to watch your kids for free, then date nights or getaways may just not be feasible. We are fortunate to have lots of family members who are willing to watch our kids and our kids are happy to be with them.

[Ellie]

35 years of marriage here. No dates. Somehow we manage. :D

[Nestof3]

This reminded me of a few things. First of all, in looking at my parents and my husband's parents, I would not use them as an example of a fabulous marriage. Yes, they've stayed together. But, my parents have had separate rooms since almost the beginning. I have one brother, and the joke is my parents had sex twice. I don't think it's far-fetched. I don't want to divulge more info, but let's just say it's pretty accurate. I can always see where they deprive one another of feeling special. They do nothing together. It was like my brother and I kept them together. They stayed together for us and because it was the right thing to do.

 

My in-laws are not a great example either. She has always taken care of almost everything. She has often expressed desires to go dancing, to enjoy various restaurants, etc. He won't try anything that his mother didn't cook him, and he never enjoys going out. They are near 90, and she still does almost everything. He has never gone out of his way to make her feel special.

 

I also wouldn't go back to the time when men were not involved in the delivery of their children. And, I highly doubt men in OT Bible times were very concerned about their wive's feelings and intellectual thoughts. I doubt a woman's dream was encouraged. I also think in general,a woman's sex life is much better now than 100 years ago. I think there has been a new awareness that a woman's satisfaction is important.

 

I appreciate a lot about the modern age. I think men have come a lon way in realizing the needs of women, and I thank them for that.

 

Sorry, I'm still feeling frustrated by the "it was good enough for previous generations to not focus on dating or romance in marriage" argument. Not that the two are synonymous, but by "dating" we're talking about cultivating the marriage relationship apart from the parenting relationship. Public school was good enough for most of us and our parents too, but most of us have chosen a different path that suits our world, expectations, and opportunities today. And a long marriage isn't indicative of a happy marriage, cultural stigma against divorce (not a completely bad thing) meant that many people stayed married despite affairs, heartbreak, loneliness, etc. And I'm not a "marriage is supposed to be about making me happy" person. Marriage is a picture of Christ and his church, there is something in the fabric of the universe that is reflected in marriage. So don't hear a "make me happy" argument here. BUT, the Christian marriage or the Christian life is the marriage and life lived out by those who follow Christ. It's not prescribed in such a narrow way as "how it was done in the 1880s, or 1950s, or 1980s." Christians living out authentic and Christ-centered marriages in 2010 America should feel free to look at the importance of romance, passion, joy, dating, whatever in their marriages if those things are truly important needs. Even if those needs have been somewhat culturally cultivated, though they need to be held up to God's word, certainly and not accepted without reservation. But as a 34 year old woman in this post-modern time, I need to figure out what my marriage should look like, based on my dreams and desires (shaped by my identity in Christ) and not based on what my mother wanted in her marriage or my grandmother.

 

:) I hope that's clear. Our marriage was hurt by my expectations of what the "proper Christian marriage and family" should look like.

 

Jami

[Jami]

:lol::lol:

 

 

To those who feel offended....let it go. No one but you and your partner decide what is needed in your marriage. There is no right or wrong answer. As long as everyone in your family agrees and are getting their needs met then be happy. :D

 

Right, definitely. And I'm not personally offended, but I do think there may be those reading threads like this who are in the situations some of us have found ourselves in, where more time together, possibly out of the house, was critical to the marriage. And they'll think it shouldn't be, that it's not worth the extra expense, and so on.

[Guest]

We are not big on going out on dates. I have felt really bad in the past because I have had a lot of friends who really push the whole dating thing. This post is actually an encouragement to me as it was recently brought up again. We recently started swapping babysitting with another couple to go out - the last two times we've gone to a movie and honestly, our relationship is better nurtured at home then when we to the movies. (Although actually, physically going to a movie theater was pretty fun.) But, right now our kids go to bed at 6:30/7 - I see every night as a date night! We'll re-evaluate when they get older. On our last anniversary our babysitter canceled and our kids went with us. It was a blast. My biggest concern is to nurture our relationship so that when our kids are gone, we still have a relationship. I feel that's being done and any of the handful of dates we've had have not been imperative in that nurturing.

[Daisy]

The intent of this thread was not to say, "Ooh, look at me, I don't NEED dates." My interest was more on what family dynamics are necessary for a date to hold greater value or need for the wife/hubby. At first I thought maybe it had more to do with the number of children (making communication with spouse more difficult. LOL).

 

That was answered in the s/o s/o thread and by some of the comments here. Things I noticed.

 

1. Working from home can blur the line between work and family making leaving the house and going on a date a benefit.

 

2. If one spouse works long hours then having a set time for relationship building is GOOD.

 

3. If spouse works in a field that requires a lot of social interaction, the spouse needs to be included for the health of the marriage.

 

4. Perhaps this is a bit of an introvert/extrovert issue. Those who don't desire the social aspects of leaving the house, are content to have their dates or alone time at home.

 

5. Lack of ability to have a date (no family, lack of funds) often necessitates changing our thinking about dating. Perhaps some of us have had to meet that need in other ways for so long, we no longer see the need for a traditional date.

 

6. Traditional dating is not what is necessary in a relationship. What is necessary is to have FACE time with our spouses. Each of us meets that need however we can.

 

And I learned that dating can be a touchy subject (Hee hee. I like that play on words.). Who knew?

Edited June 12, 2010 by Daisy

[KidsHappen]

My hubby and I don't do dates, we rarely get alone time and we don't celebrate birthday and anniversarys. We rarely do gifts. We have had a great marriage going on 20 years now. Of course, we are alike in these respects so it works.

[TravelingChris]

I don't need dates per se but we do them to save money or because they are events that aren't appropriate for our kids (military balls, etc). What do I mean by saving money? We don;t need babysitters since our youngest is 13.5 and haven't needed one for a long time. THat said, it is cheaper to go out to a restaurant for just two people than for four or five. We do go out to eat with the entire family or part of the family but we tend to go to the most expensive places usually by ourselves. WHat we don't do is go on vacations by ourselves. We have no need for that and enjoy having our daughters with us. I was talking to another military homeschool mom and they are having a 25th anniversary as we are. We are talking our youngest two and going on a fabulous Northern Rockies vacation and they are going alone to Niagara Falls. I don't need the alone time so much now because it is only 4 years till we are alone all the time.

[EKS]

We didn't have date nights until my oldest was old enough to babysit. Now we have them often, not because we need them, but because they are fun.

[jillian]

Okay, I'll be honest. I think it has probably been 5+ years since hubby and I went on what would be called a traditional date. We don't hire a babysitter and go out to dinner or to the movies. We don't have weekend get-aways, etc.

 

We just don't appear to need them. We spend a lot of time together. We talk a lot. I guess I just feel like I get plenty of one-on-one time after the kids go to bed and don't really need the hoopla of a formal date.

 

Am I the only one?

 

Is it because we only have two children?

 

For us we genuinely do need them. Dh is gone for so much of the year and works so many long hours that we don't get that much one on one time and the time we do get together things have to be done to keep the house going. If we back up on laundry we are catching up for weeks. If we back up on the kitchen we are backed up for another week (meaning dishes piled in the sink because the dishwasher didn't run when it was supposed to, etc). We enjoy getting dressed up and putting the time in for each other since we are both pretty casual in the day to day life. Granted we only go out once every 6 months or so since we only go when we have family up here

[QueenCat]

I don't need the hoopla of a date. /QUOTE]

 

:iagree:We do go out alone together on a rather regular basis now that our kids are in high school and college but there's no "hoopla" or anything. Most of the time, it is unplanned unless we get invited to a party or something (but most of those involve the boys). Mostly, it's just "hey, you want to go out for dinner, lunch, breakfast?" at the last minute (but before cooking has begun). We almost always invite the boys, if they're available.... at their age, sometimes they come, sometimes they don't....

 

When they were little, and required a sitter, we went out on planned "dates" (but never called them that) maybe three-four times a year. Work Christmas party, anniversary, and maybe one or two other times. When they were little, and we visited my parents, they stayed with my parents, and my parents treated dh and I to a hotel. We were them most of the waking day, but left at about 8pm and came back around 9-10am. That was nice.

[Daisy]

By hoopla I meant hunting down a babysitter. That is always a HUGE pain for us. We can't seem to keep them either. We'll find that perfect High School babysitter and then boom, before you know it they are off to college. LOL. Uugh. Why do they do that? ;)

 

My friends all have family nearby so they don't want to pay for sitters or exchange sitting time. Why watch my kids for 2 hours and then swap when grandma will watch them for free, kwim?

[WagsWife]

LOL!! Yes! I think the martyr competition gets a little old. The phases of this martyrdom ebb and flow, too, so that I can't keep up with which is more righteous: to have gone through a longer, more complicated labor than the next mom, to have have had more children in X number of years (or X number of children, period!), to be the LEAST fun homeschool mom--fun? There's no FUN in homeschooling!--to have gone on the fewest vacations or dates EVER, to have known my spouse for the shortest--or is it longest?--time before tying the knot...or the most self-sacrificing combination of any of these! Whew. I'm so boring. ;)

 

I don't see it as being a martyr...I see it as my DH and I just do not need that much time to ourselves. It is the same way when he is deployed. I always had people telling me that I should find a sitter for the kids...that I needed a break. They could not comprehend, that I *didn't need a break.

 

The same goes with the date thing. Is it nice to be able to go someplace...just DH and I? Of course it is! Now that our older daughter can babysit the younger two, we do it periodically. But the fact, is we don't *need the time away.

[simka2]

We have had seasons where we couldn't go out and date at all, and others where we have had the luxury :)

 

I have a pretty loose definetion of date...a family walk to the park with all the kids playing and dh and I on a bench talking is a date to me :)

 

Dh running out for sonic shakes that we share while watching "the mentalist" is a date to me.

 

The key is reestablishing intimacy...a connection. The purpose of dates is more important than the exact method of dating!

[Jami]

The key is reestablishing intimacy...a connection. The purpose of dates is more important than the exact method of dating!

 

Definitely. But even this prioritizing connection and intimacy is a relatively modern expectation in marriage. Wanting and desiring those things does not mean that a couple is just caught up in the postmodern culture or that they're not as focused on the commitment or family aspect of marriage as they are the romance and intimacy.

[simka2]

Definitely. But even this prioritizing connection and intimacy is a relatively modern expectation in marriage. Wanting and desiring those things does not mean that a couple is just caught up in the postmodern culture or that they're not as focused on the commitment or family aspect of marriage as they are the romance and intimacy.

 

I agree that it is somewhat modern...in a broadsense. I think there have always been lovers where the depth of connection is very important. I also, think there are others who are perfectly happy with less passion (this is not a bad thing when both parties are content). Individual personality plays a huge part!!!

 

One thing that has changed is the ease/acceptance of divorce. That has probly lent itself to increased focuse on guarding intimacy. But again, I don't think dating=intimacy...it's just one of a variety of tools.

[Guest janainaz]

I don't need dates either. We spend time talking a lot and I just don't feel like I need to get out away with my dh. I don't need a romantic dinner or any of that stuff. I do need time away, but I need it more by myself, and a couple of hours is enough for me.

 

We have always had the revolving door in regards to sleeping - our kids end up in our room. Recently we put a hault to that because it was an issue for dh. I think dh needs time away more than I do. I actually think that he needs me to want to go on a date and just be alone with him. So, while I don't need it as much, he does and for that reason, I'll do it.

 

When I was a kid, my mother was really a bit mean about "adult time". She would kind of use her hands to shoo us away and treat us like nuisances. I resented the statement "just the adults". It was the way she acted about it and maybe part of my view about "adult time" is a bit warped because of that. I don't know.

[2cents]

Quote:

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2cents

We don't need dates. We spend time together at home and we love spending time with the children as a family.

 

Joann responded: I assume that nearly everyone reading this and posting here does.

 

In fact, I assume most families do.

 

Loving spending time as a family is not mutually exclusive with adult-only time or each of the family individuals having "non family time".

 

I don't assume anything if I can help it. ;) I was responding to the original question but I'll clarify further. We don't make a distinction between time with the family and 'dates'. Our 'dates' include everyone. It is just how it is. There is no inference that those that have adult only dates do not enjoy spending time with the children so hopefully nobody else assumed that meaning from my post. Hope this clarifies! :D

Edited June 12, 2010 by 2cents

[BikeBookBread]

I'm assuming the definition of a date is husband and wife going out alone for dedicated social time together, right? Not grocery shopping, not working out....to a restaurant, movie, whatever.

 

My DH works incredibly long hours. On top of that, he HAS to stay fit or his job is in jeopardy (he works out 1+ hours daily, plus is a bike commuter). And on top of that, he is generally enrolled in some type of continuing education. We have very little time together as it is. We try to spend what we can together as a whole family unit. The girls see DH and I happy together which so important. We perhaps go out alone as a couple 2 times a year. I'm not joking. So, no, we don't "do" dating. There are times that I miss dating (and sometimes get jealous at couple friends who get to go out on dates), but I don't spend my time moaning about it, either.

 

I know one thing, though: my DH gets really, really, really tired of men being being hit over the head and guilted (at church and in "marriage enrichment" type Sunday School classes or Bible studies) about taking their wives out on weekly dates. Seriously, don't you think this is a luxury for most people in the world? For most marriages through millennia? Yet marriages have survived...

 

So yes, dates are nice and fun and wonderful, but our marriage solidity does not hang having them or not.

[angela in ohio]

In violet, we have blessingsabound. After a few false starts when blessingsabound had regular monthly dates, she joined the race coming on strong having not had more than a trip through the bank's drive through without her husband and kids.

 

:lol:

[angela in ohio]

I'm assuming the definition of a date is husband and wife going out alone for dedicated social time together, right? Not grocery shopping, not working out....to a restaurant, movie, whatever.

 

My DH works incredibly long hours. On top of that, he HAS to stay fit or his job is in jeopardy (he works out 1+ hours daily, plus is a bike commuter). And on top of that, he is generally enrolled in some type of continuing education. We have very little time together as it is. We try to spend what we can together as a whole family unit. The girls see DH and I happy together which so important. We perhaps go out alone as a couple 2 times a year. I'm not joking. So, no, we don't "do" dating. There are times that I miss dating (and sometimes get jealous at couple friends who get to go out on dates), but I don't spend my time moaning about it, either.

 

I know one thing, though: my DH gets really, really, really tired of men being being hit over the head and guilted (at church and in "marriage enrichment" type Sunday School classes or Bible studies) about taking their wives out on weekly dates. Seriously, don't you think this is a luxury for most people in the world? For most marriages through millennia? Yet marriages have survived...

 

So yes, dates are nice and fun and wonderful, but our marriage solidity does not hang having them or not.

 

This was us for many years. Dh worked two jobs and went to college, I homeschooled all day. We did not have the energy or desire (or money) to find a babysitter or go anywhere. It worked out just fine. :D

 

Dh also got hit over the head with "date your wife" stuff. :lol: And we heard plenty of people tell us our marriage would fail without it. We knew we were fine.

 

Now our needs have changed. To start, we have a built in babysitter and more money. Also, we spend less time a home alone and more with our dc, now that they are older. That may seem strange to those with littles who feel like they take up all their time. But our littles went to bed early, played on their own, etc. Now our kiddos are bigger, and we spend more time dedicated to them: talking, playing Euchre and board games, staying out later at events, more talking. Dh and I still have time together, but it's nice to have some dedicated time set aside. We could easily have just as wonderful a marriage without it, but it's fun. Dh's career is moving fast, we have bigger decisions to make about dc, and so on. We could just as easily have conversations at home, but they're more fun sitting in Outback Steakhouse eating appetizers or the Elephant Bar eating red velvet cupckaes after a funny movie. :001_smile:

 

It's interesting to read this thread having been on both sides. Ten years ago I would have posted, "Who would ever need dates?" :tongue_smilie:

[Embassy]

My dh and I hang out together a lot after the kids go to bed. I haven't used a babysitter so when we go out to celebrate an anniversary or whatnot the kids come too. That is fine with me and with my dh. But we do have "date" nights where we set aside 1-2 nights a week where we do things together and focus our attention on each other. Our non-date nights aren't spent apart or not talking, but they aren't focused attention.

[~Tara~]

We didn't much go out on 'dates' in years past. When we lived near family we might drop the kids off for an hour or two to go have dinner on our anniversary but that was about it.

 

Only recently have we started a weekly date night (which has kinda gone off course, due to various circumstances, but it's not gone by the way side and we are working on getting it back in full). It wasn't until we were doing that consistently that I realized how much I enjoyed and needed it.

 

My hubs gets up very early every morning. Therefore we are not late night people. He gets home from work at varying times, we eat supper and have an hour or two with the fam before it's time to get the kids in bed. Then we may make it another hour on our own before crashing. So date nights give us 2-3 hours just us. No loud kids. No interruptions. No kids competing for attention. Just us. I *really* like that we have that now and *really* miss it those weeks we're not able to make it happen.

[cjbeach]

Okay, I'll be honest. I think it has probably been 5+ years since hubby and I went on what would be called a traditional date. We don't hire a babysitter and go out to dinner or to the movies. We don't have weekend get-aways, etc.

 

We just don't appear to need them. We spend a lot of time together. We talk a lot. I guess I just feel like I get plenty of one-on-one time after the kids go to bed and don't really need the hoopla of a formal date.

 

Am I the only one?

 

Is it because we only have two children?

We don't. Mainly because we don't feel the need to right now. We like to hang out with our kids.

We did enough as single adults and enough even pre-kids that we don't really feel the need for date nights now. We do movie nights... just the two of us hanging out watching a movie together. :D

But with us we had very active single lives (we didn't marry until 30/33yo and if you've seen the Jersey Shore... yeah. Btdt). We're content to be homebodies with the kids. ;) Maybe we'll feel differently in time but right now this is where we are.

Edited June 12, 2010 by cjbeach

[Audrey]

These threads read to me like a sporting event being hosted on TV:

 

 

*In commentator voice*

 

In the red, we have curlymomof5. She's not had a date since the Y2K scare! Impressive skills!

 

In the blue, we have storyoftheworldMomof4adoptedkids. She's surpassed curlymomof5 by 5 years!

 

In violet, we have blessingsabound. After a few false starts when blessingsabound had regular monthly dates, she joined the race coming on strong having not had more than a trip through the bank's drive through without her husband and kids.

 

It orange, we have IamMomHearMeRoar who has shared the same air as her family since Rush Limbaugh's first marriage.

 

It's going to be a close race, folks! Back after commercials.

 

:lol::lol::lol::lol:

Joanne, you crack me up! I had no idea of your mad commentator skills! There are so many more threads that could use them, too. :lol:

[Jenny in Atl]

:lurk5:

[mcconnellboys]

We don't do this, either, and never have.....

[smrtmama]

Okay, I'll be honest. I think it has probably been 5+ years since hubby and I went on what would be called a traditional date. We don't hire a babysitter and go out to dinner or to the movies. We don't have weekend get-aways, etc.

 

We just don't appear to need them. We spend a lot of time together. We talk a lot. I guess I just feel like I get plenty of one-on-one time after the kids go to bed and don't really need the hoopla of a formal date.

 

Am I the only one?

 

Is it because we only have two children?

 

Because of Officer Daddyman's hours, time alone while the kids are sleeping is nearly non-existent. The (very...like every two or three months) occasional night out is our only childless time. We haven't been away w/o kids since before Tank was born 4 years ago, though, and don't have plans for it in the near future.

 

Honestly, if he worked a normal schedule, we'd have less need for any time outside the house alone together.

[freeindeed]

I'm not anti-date. We just don't need them enough to hunt down a sitter and pay for the outing. :D

 

But we are pretty lame. We stand in the card area of Target and show each other what $5 card we would have bought each other for our anniversary and then we use our saved $10 to buy a book. LOL.

 

:lol: I really like this idea.

[justamouse]

I haven't had one in a while, but we do take them here and there. My kids are getting older now and I get lots of time with him alone.

 

When the kids were small and I was more prone to crying meltdowns? At least twice a month.

[love2read]

The dates didn't become important in our home until we had a few teenagers. They stayed up later, were more demanding than when they were younger and we discovered that to keep our marriage strong we needed time alone and out of the house.

[Holly IN]

Whew!! Just read all the posts!! :001_smile:

 

When the kids were younger we didn't go out much but didn't feel that our marriage was at risk if we didn't. I do say that it is much different now. We have a 15 yr old son who loves to talk to us, 12 yr old son who loves being around us and a 10 yr old daughter with special needs. Because they are older and all of them love to talk to us, we feel the need to get out of the house with just two of us. 15 yr old stays home with the other two. We would just go for coffee/desert or a quick bite at a restaurant by ordering appetizer only or if we are not too far away from home then a nice dinner (we live in the middle of nowhere).

 

We also have lots of late night talks and Tea. However after we have Tea, the 15 yr old comes down and want to talk. We put a stop to that and now he knows he can't do this. :D

 

Different seasons call for different measures in all marriages. We do not "need" to have dates in order to have a good marriage. Sometimes we just need to get away to talk about stuff without the kids around esp now that we have a teen and a pre-teen. We do family dates a lot. We love being with our kids but also need the two of us to be alone to talk in private. We do talk every night and have fun playing Wii bowling late at night. :)

 

Enjoyed all the posts!!

 

Holly