The Guilt of the Non-Homeschooler

[Embassy]

Do you find yourself holding back sometimes about homeschooling or what you do because it makes non-homeschoolers feel bad?

[abbeyej]

I think it depends entirely on the person. I have friends who send their kids to school and we can be very open with each other about the pros and cons of our decisions. We're both comfortable that we've made the best choices we can for our families, and we both know that neither of those decisions is absolutely perfect.

 

There are times with others though, when I just don't say much. I smile and nod or express sympathy as appropriate.

 

But doesn't that apply to most topics? Not just home schooling? There are people with whom I can discuss anything and everything. And people with whom one or more topics are best kept at the most surface level. I don't think that's *wrong*...

[*********]

I've definitely run into the non-hs guilt. I can hear it in the comments, "Oh, I wouldn't have the patience"

 

My sil, who is trying to convcieve her first child, said this to me recently when I joked that she should consider homeschooling. (I say 'joked' because dh's family on that side strongly disapproves of our homeschooling; sil and I get along fine, but others in her family, not so much). Anyway, after she said 'I'm not homeschooling; not because the family would disapprove, I don't care about that. But because I just don't have the patience for it!', I almost, ALMOST blurted out 'honey, then maybe you should reconsider having kids at all'. I mean, I just don't get why someone would plan to have children, when they're already convinced that they won't have the patience for them?!

[Jean in Newcastle]

My sil, who is trying to convcieve her first child, said this to me recently when I joked that she should consider homeschooling. (I say 'joked' because dh's family on that side strongly disapproves of our homeschooling; sil and I get along fine, but others in her family, not so much). Anyway, after she said 'I'm not homeschooling; not because the family would disapprove, I don't care about that. But because I just don't have the patience for it!', I almost, ALMOST blurted out 'honey, then maybe you should reconsider having kids at all'. I mean, I just don't get why someone would plan to have children, when they're already convinced that they won't have the patience for them?!

 

Because they honestly think that homeschooling takes more patience than "ordinary" parenting does. Someone said the "I just don't have the patience" line to me not so long ago. I said, "Well, I don't see why it's any more patience than we need just to be parents." They looked thoughtful at that, so maybe I got them to really think about it!

[LarlaB]

Yes, I've held back because it seems to make the hearer feel as though I am a 'better' person/parent. At times, I've hastened to normalize myself by sharing real-life examples of how I blow it- LOL

 

I think the "I don't have the patience" line is absolutely valid, because there is a big difference between having parental patience for before & after school (child is gone 6-7 hours) and 1 hour of homework, vs. being with child all day long. ;) Somedays, I'm a great 7am-9am & 4pm-8pm mama...its the middle hours that get me. ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yes, I've held back because it seems to make the hearer feel as though I am a 'better' person/parent. At times, I've hastened to normalize myself by sharing real-life examples of how I blow it- LOL

 

I think the "I don't have the patience" line is absolutely valid, because there is a big difference between having parental patience for before & after school (child is gone 6-7 hours) and 1 hour of homework, vs. being with child all day long. ;) Somedays, I'm a great 7am-9am & 4pm-8pm mama...its the middle hours that get me. ;)

 

See, in my experience, because I'm training my kids all day I don't get the spikes of behavior, most of the time. And when we do have "one of those days" I have the freedom to rearrange things so that we all get a break- mama included.

 

I don't go around depicting myself as a super-parent or super-person. But I also don't feel like I'm responsible for other people's self esteem.

 

(And while I quoted you. . . I'm just using your words as a springboard for continuing the general conversation of the thread).

[LarlaB]

See, in my experience, because I'm training my kids all day I don't get the spikes of behavior, most of the time. And when we do have "one of those days" I have the freedom to rearrange things so that we all get a break- mama included.

 

I don't go around depicting myself as a super-parent or super-person. But I also don't feel like I'm responsible for other people's self esteem.

 

(And while I quoted you. . . I'm just using your words as a springboard for continuing the general conversation of the thread).

 

I'm not referring to good/bad behavior in children or the training that is inherent to parenting. I love my children and have in many ways laid down my life for them- however, I don't always like being w/ them 24/7. Some moms do, and that is wonderful. My personality is wired a bit differently, and so to flesh out this commitment, I've had to retrofit myself to adapt to homeschooling. :) So I can appreciate the 'I don't have the patience to home-school' individuals.

 

At the same time, certainly we are not responsible for another's self-esteem (or inferiority complex) but I do think that many times people have an inaccurate view of the homeschooling life/mom and that is why they feel the guilt. The truth is, NO ONE measures up to that stereotype, and that's why I'm quick to point out my reality.

[wapiti]

As a non-homeschooling parent (unless afterschooling makes me a homeschooler?), I urge you to not worry one bit about making someone feel guilty. When another person talks about their homeschooling, I, for one, don't feel guilty as much as envious :D. For a variety of reasons, I'm not homeschooling at the moment. If the planets aligned differently, perhaps I would be. If our current schooling situation changed unfavorably, I could do it, thanks to these boards. So go on, talk away about homeschooling - the other person just might soak up the information enough to take a closer look. I could listen all day :)

[michelle l]

What I hear a lot is, "I give you a lot of credit. I couldn't do it, but I think it's great."

 

I don't know if they really think it's better and feel guilty about not doing it, or if they are just trying to be affirming. But yes, I do sometimes think there is a bit of guilt or something simalar there.

[6packofun]

Well, I wouldn't say guilt...but I rarely share some of my REAL reasons for homeschooling because, quite honestly, they WILL stir up a defensiveness in someone who would not ever homeschool. I'm not an activist about it or anything, but there is no polite way to state (some of) my rationale for keeping my children at home without sounding like I'm judging the opposite choice. And I AM judging it--in general--which is why I chose the another, better (IMO) way for my kids, KWIM?? So I hold back to keep those judgments and reasons from becoming personal to the other person. (And I'm not interested in convincing anyone to homeschool, either, unless THEY are interested and bring it up on their own.)

[EthiopianFood]

Yes, I've held back because it seems to make the hearer feel as though I am a 'better' person/parent. At times, I've hastened to normalize myself by sharing real-life examples of how I blow it- LOL

 

I think the "I don't have the patience" line is absolutely valid, because there is a big difference between having parental patience for before & after school (child is gone 6-7 hours) and 1 hour of homework, vs. being with child all day long. ;) Somedays, I'm a great 7am-9am & 4pm-8pm mama...its the middle hours that get me. ;)

 

I really appreciate your honesty. It's nice to know there are others who do see the benefits in getting a break from your kids all day. This is just about the ONLY thing about public school that appeals to me, so I'm not even tempted, but I'm not sure I'll be able to relate to those that don't need their space. :001_smile:

[Jean in Newcastle]

I really appreciate your honesty. It's nice to know there are others who do see the benefits in getting a break from your kids all day. This is just about the ONLY thing about public school that appeals to me, so I'm not even tempted, but I'm not sure I'll be able to relate to those that don't need their space. :001_smile:

 

I just looked at the ages of your and Larla's kids and now I understand your perspectives better. With kids my age, I do get quite a few breaks. My almost 13 year old does 90% of his schooling independently. My 8 year old does 50% of it independently. They both play outdoors with neighborhood kids for an hour or two a day. We have quiet time where they are doing independent reading or legos or crafts etc. So I do get my space.

[Mom0012]

Because they honestly think that homeschooling takes more patience than "ordinary" parenting does. Someone said the "I just don't have the patience" line to me not so long ago. I said, "Well, I don't see why it's any more patience than we need just to be parents." They looked thoughtful at that, so maybe I got them to really think about it!

 

It's funny, because I do think homeschool takes more patience than regular parenting does. I rarely every lose it with my kids except when I am trying to teach them something. I love spending time with them and doing things with them but homeschooling pushes me to my absolute limit as far as patience goes. It has been a huge struggle for me. I have a child with lds though, so maybe this is the difference, but I'm not really sure that it is.

 

Lisa

Edited May 20, 2010 by LisaTheresa

[Just Robyn]

Well, I wouldn't say guilt...but I rarely share some of my REAL reasons for homeschooling because, quite honestly, they WILL stir up a defensiveness in someone who would not ever homeschool. I'm not an activist about it or anything, but there is no polite way to state (some of) my rationale for keeping my children at home without sounding like I'm judging the opposite choice. And I AM judging it--in general--which is why I chose the another, better (IMO) way for my kids, KWIM?? So I hold back to keep those judgments and reasons from becoming personal to the other person. (And I'm not interested in convincing anyone to homeschool, either, unless THEY are interested and bring it up on their own.)

 

Same here. I'd rather not talk about homeschooling with non-homeschoolers for that reason. If they ask me why I homeschool I feel like I have to give them my real reasons so they will understand why I would want to do this and not make all kinds of incorrect assumptions about myself and my family. However, by giving my reasons for homeschooling I am also saying what I think is wrong with their children's educations, so I just try to avoid it. I had one person who has children in public schools start asking me about it at work so I handed her some of the books and magazines about homeschooling I happened to have with me so she could just look at those if she wanted to (we have a lot of downtime at my job).

[pqr]

I have to hold back all the time, and yes there is fairly substantial guilt in many non-HSers.

 

Just the other day I was talking to a friend about ancient history and he was lamenting the fact that his children know far less than he did at their age, he then proceed to complain about many other aspects of the PS. He knows that we HS but his wife refuses/claims that she can not do so. For me to tout what we do and the level of study that my children enjoy would be cruel, just as it would be for me to mention the pathetic level of history and literature in PS and the fact that that is merely one of the reasons that we HS.... so yes I am quiet when this happens.

Edited May 20, 2010 by pqr

[chiguirre]

Do you find yourself holding back sometimes about homeschooling or what you do because it makes non-homeschoolers feel bad?

 

Yes. I have a friend who would love to hs (she's even read the WTM!!!) but is divorced and has to work. I make a point of praising the good things about her kids' school and mentioning easy to use resources to do some afterschooling/carschooling. I don't mention how many activities and field trips we do.

 

I also bite my tongue when the neighborhood moms rag on the local elementary school, although I do mention special deals or programs that they could do on weekends or summer to make up for the lame specials and field trips. I didn't appreciate it when one of them snarked about why I didn't just put my kids in school, so I won't return the favor by gloating over their complaints. (Although I might enjoy my schadenfreude in private later ;)).

[kalanamak]

The "guilt" of the non homeschooler? Do you really meet that many that feel guilty because they do not hs?

 

 

I've certainly met people who get defensive immediately, and I would make a note to never to bring it up with the person again, not even mentioning my child at all. Making someone defensive is a good way to make an enemy.

 

I don't think they feel "guilty" but "judged", even though I don't mean it that way. People are similar about movies. If you don't "looooooove" the movie they "looooove" people can get downright hurt.

[DarlaS]

I've definitely run into the non-hs guilt. I can hear it in the comments, "Oh, I wouldn't have the patience" etc. I've had several moms say, "I know I should, but it would just be too hard."!!!

 

 

I sense that behind those comments also. I have even had people (living in various non-homeschooling friendly situations) tell me they wished they could homeschool too.

[FrogMom5]

I've run into this situation several times. These people are usually very complemetary too.

[smrtmama]

No. I'm not responsible for someone else's guilt.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

 

But doesn't that apply to most topics? Not just home schooling? There are people with whom I can discuss anything and everything. And people with whom one or more topics are best kept at the most surface level. I don't think that's *wrong*...

 

I think there are just no go areas in any relationship. My mom realized a few years ago that she'd been hurting her sister's feelings by sharing stories of what my family was up to because her sister didn't have any grandkids yet. Now that she has a lovely grandson, things are more even.

 

We've been blessed not only with a good financial basis from our military service but also an incredible amount of world travel. I found that when we were fresh from our tour in Europe that I really needed to watch what I talked about around other homeschoolers. There were times when I think that stories of our trips to Rome or Athens or Paris came out as bragging when my intention was to share how joyous we'd found studying about these places and then visiting.

 

I watch what I say about homeschooling too. I do sort of joke about how I'm not the one to know when we're planning a scout activity that conflicts with some big school date.

[ereks mom]

I think it depends entirely on the person. I have friends who send their kids to school and we can be very open with each other about the pros and cons of our decisions. We're both comfortable that we've made the best choices we can for our families, and we both know that neither of those decisions is absolutely perfect.

 

There are times with others though, when I just don't say much. I smile and nod or express sympathy as appropriate.

 

But doesn't that apply to most topics? Not just home schooling? There are people with whom I can discuss anything and everything. And people with whom one or more topics are best kept at the most surface level. I don't think that's *wrong*...

 

:iagree:

 

I've certainly met people who get defensive immediately, and I would make a note to never to bring it up with the person again, not even mentioning my child at all. Making someone defensive is a good way to make an enemy.

 

I don't think they feel "guilty" but "judged", even though I don't mean it that way. People are similar about movies. If you don't "looooooove" the movie they "looooove" people can get downright hurt.

 

:iagree:

[JWSJ]

Do you find yourself holding back sometimes about homeschooling or what you do because it makes non-homeschoolers feel bad?

 

Yes, but that is only one of the reasons.

 

I try not to mention homeschooling anymore. It takes too much time to answer their questions.

[Peela]

Yes, I dont talk about homeschooling much at all to my other friends who have school aged children, because I find they just dont understand. I do talk about it a little to friends without children or people whose kids have left home, or people whose children are not yet at school age because they seem to be able to handle it and are often curious. But people with kids at school often get immediately defensive, even if they try not to show it and are polite.

[hsmom2girls]

I haven't come across anyone that feels guilty for not homeschooling. But I have had a lot of people say "I could not do it".

[LatinLover]

I don't think they feel "guilty" but "judged"

:iagree:

[lollie010]

I just looked at the ages of your and Larla's kids and now I understand your perspectives better. With kids my age, I do get quite a few breaks. My almost 13 year old does 90% of his schooling independently. My 8 year old does 50% of it independently. They both play outdoors with neighborhood kids for an hour or two a day. We have quiet time where they are doing independent reading or legos or crafts etc. So I do get my space.

 

Now, that is the most encouraging thing I have heard in a long time. Mine are still little and I get really tired.

[katemary63]

Yes. I've had non-homeschooling church friends get upset when I explained some of the things that ACTUALLY happened to my older DD that convinced me that younger DD would never go to public school. Well, gosh, I didn't make it up. It's happening at the school. But they don't want to know about it.

[iquilt]

I definately have held back in some circumstances. But now that my kids are older and have been homeschooling for almost 4 years now (my oldest, especially), they advocate for themselves in many situations. They speak openly about what they like about being home or attending co-op classes or finishing school early enough to play outside for hours, etc. My oldest has been especially surprised to find that many of her friends in private and public schools don't have time to read what they pick, they often have to do too much homework.

[Laurie4b]

I think it depends entirely on the person. I have friends who send their kids to school and we can be very open with each other about the pros and cons of our decisions. We're both comfortable that we've made the best choices we can for our families, and we both know that neither of those decisions is absolutely perfect.

 

There are times with others though, when I just don't say much. I smile and nod or express sympathy as appropriate.

 

But doesn't that apply to most topics? Not just home schooling? There are people with whom I can discuss anything and everything. And people with whom one or more topics are best kept at the most surface level. I don't think that's *wrong*...

 

Abbey, I think you nailed it. This is a choice like other choices and many people are naturally most comfortable with people who make the same choices they do in just about any area.

 

I don't think many people feel guilt about not homeschooling; I think they prefer their choices. Many people think homeschooling is weird; I certainly did when I first heard about it!

 

As for the 'not enough patience" comment, I think it's a good reply to say that no one measures up to the idyllic stereotypes. I also think sometimes that is an indication of wisdom. Some of us (I am one!) don't have abundant patience; that is definitely a negative as a homeschooler. I don't get impatient with them so much when teaching, but they are with an impatient person all day long and it affects them more than it would if they were with me 6 hours--same with any of our personality or character flaws. It certainly motivates me to work on those flaws, but homeschooling inevitably more deeply imprints the parents' characters on the kids--for good or for worse (mostly both).

[Purpledaizy]

As a beginning before/afterschooler, some of ds' friend's parents have begun to question me about hsing. I often hear the "I don't have the patience" line and I totally believe it. I have an older daughter, and I did not have the patience when she was school age to do the type of activities and work I do with ds. Ds is lucky to have me as the person I am now, and I let folks know this. Everyone has different talents and abilities at different times in their life.

[Carpe Diem]

but this year the child is in ps. I know she misses hsing, so I don't bring it up unless she asks.

 

She is the only person I know of who feels guilty that they don't hs.

[Mejane]

I find it balances out. If my child studies Latin, my friend's child is in debate club. There are pros and cons to both settings. I agree with kalanamak that it might be more about feeling judged than feeling guilty.

[coop]

I have really come to believe that homeschooling is not for everyone. It wasn't for me when I first started either....I really lived out the "I just don't have the patience" line. So, when someone says that I can totally relate:) Yet, I wouldn't trade my refining in the fire time for anything.

 

When homeschooling comes up in a conversation and the inevidable line of "I just don't have the patience" is uttered I just tell them my story. Maybe it will send them thinking in a direction they never imagined:)

[LibraryLover]

:iagree:Yes.

 

I find it balances out. If my child studies Latin, my friend's child is in debate club. There are pros and cons to both settings. I agree with kalanamak that it might be more about feeling judged than feeling guilty.

[Hikin' Mama]

Have these parents told you they feel guilty, or are you assuming they feel guilty?

 

My oldest two go to the local public high school, and I don't feel a bit guilty. It has worked out great for them and our family.

 

I continue to homeschool my youngest, and that also works out great for her and our family.

 

I have several friends whose kids are in or have gone to public school. It's never occurred to me that they feel guilty about that choice.

[teachermom2834]

I hold back but not out of making the other person feel guilty. I feel like the other person might hear my homeschool status and find me arrogant. As though what everyone else is doing for school is just not good enough for us.

 

I drive to another town for dc to play sports because the local organization is wrought with bad behavior (adults) and disorganization. Again, I feel like I am portraying that all the standard stuff kids do is not good enough for my kids.

 

I really try to watch that I don't come across as arrogant. I have found that I go the other way sometimes in being quick to point out weaknesses of my dc. Then I think I come across as mean.

 

I guess I have no social skills even though I did go to school!

[EthiopianFood]

As a beginning before/afterschooler, some of ds' friend's parents have begun to question me about hsing. I often hear the "I don't have the patience" line and I totally believe it. I have an older daughter, and I did not have the patience when she was school age to do the type of activities and work I do with ds. Ds is lucky to have me as the person I am now, and I let folks know this. Everyone has different talents and abilities at different times in their life.

 

You know, this makes me think of something. I honestly don't have the patience to work full-time and also be a good mom when I come home at night. Truly, I have done HALF time, and I was NOT fun to be around at home. I am in awe of women who can do it.

[AnneGabe]

What an interesting question. I don't know one single parent who sends their kids to public school but feels guilty about it. Everyone I know loves the school their child is in! How funny.

 

If they did feel guilty about not homeschooling I'd most definitely not talk about my experience homeschooling my kids. It's not hard for me to avoid the subject, surprisingly.

[Rosie_0801]

I thought it was strange when my sister in law said she was too selfish to homeschool. Sending your kids to a carefully chosen private school while you pursue your photography business sounds like a good thing to do if you are a woman who's interests and talents run to entrepreneurship and not academics. I don't think she believed me when I agreed with her choice though because then she defensively launched into why private schools are better than homeschooling.

 

Rosie

[lailasmum]

I do know one family who seem to be carrying some non home educating guilt. The mother at least seems to be totally pro home education and very negative of the education her kids are getting in school. I know they have made a decision not to home educate based upon lifestyle, they like the money made from both parents working and the break they get from the kids.

 

The mum does seem really confused and guilty, like she wants one life and is living another. They do get in involved around the edges of our home education community and mutual friends have recently begun to home educate too so that can't be easy.

 

I soften my views with non home educators as it is easy to offend. But I do meet a lot of people who never actually even realise its legal to home educate and they are often open to very deep conversations and its a real eye opener for them.