My friend's 2 year old died today

[springmama]

Have any of you been through this? What do I do for her? What do I say? How do I help? Do I keep my own 2 year old away to avoid bringing hurtful reminders? If 2 year olds could be best friends, ours were. Our 7 year old girls are close and so are our 4 year old boys. What do I tell my kids?

 

She has a newborn baby. I'm just so afraid this is going to be too much for her to bear.

 

 

I want to do all the right things but I don't know what to do.

[1bassoon]

I think we know the same person.

 

I was coming here to post for prayers.

 

My heart is broken.

[springmama]

probably. She's also a WTM homeschooler and very respected within our local homeschooling community. I went to see them at the hospital tonight. They are doing as well as can be expected, which isn't very well at all. I asked if i could help with anything and her dh just said 'bring my daughter back" this is like a nightmare.

[melissel]

How heartbreaking :crying: I am so sorry for their loss. I can't even imagine.

[KnitWit]

I will pray for them and for both of you.

 

Be yourselves. Her kids will need your kids. Having friends who are not afraid of silence is good. Maybe you can help give her kids some normal play times and thus allow HER some quiet time.

 

Take meals. Not just *now*...but in a week, in a month. Go over and run laundry, pick up....that is, if she'll let you. Some people won't want that...but I'm thinking, help her put one foot in front of the other.

[MariannNOVA]

I'm so sorry -- how heartbreaking!

 

When this happened to my former sil, I was touched by the way her friends were there in sil's house making sure that things were taken care of -- phone calls (incoming and outgoing), hotel reservations for folks coming in from out of town, meals (making sure there was food on hand and food was frozen so it would not spoil), coffee urns set up, and they were the liaisons with the Deaconesses at sil and bil's church so that their church could do what they were accustomed to doing when a family suffered a tragedy.

 

Her friends made sure that laundry was done, fridge had cream for coffee, etc. They all had small children the same age as my niece, and my sil commented that she was glad they were around.

 

You don't have to say much - just be there -- and I'm sorry for your heartache too. :grouphug:

[KnitWit]

And...I'd say, DON'T ASK. If you ask, you will likely get a no. Just go.

[msjones]

We went through this last year. Two of our friends are cousins. Both of their 2 year-old little boys had cancer (different kinds of cancer). They both endured very difficult treatment and many surgeries. One of them survived. One died. He was four when he died.

 

I think it is too much for a mother to bear.

 

The best advice I received was this: continue to be in the friendship the same way you were in it before. If you usually go on a walk once a week -- call her to go on the walk. If you often chat on the phone while you make dinner -- call her at dinner-making time. If you are just casual acquaintances at church -- remain so.

 

She may not respond to calls. Or she might want to see you. But, either way, you're showing her that you are the same friend you were before -- not afraid of her, not falling all over yourself to be a hero -- just yourself.

 

There were times with my friend when we were together in our usual ways (going on walks, out to coffee, shopping) when she said nothing for up to an hour. Times when she was intensely angry or overwhelmed with fear and sadness. It was very hard. But I remembered that advice and kept calling.

 

We're sort of back to 'normal' now. I'm so glad to have her back! But I really missed our regular friendship while we went through all that sorrow.

[SproutMamaK]

I have no advice - mercifully, I've never been through anything like this. But I just wanted to say, I am SO sorry. I can't even imagine.

[qfbrenda]

We haven't lost a child after knowing them for 2 years, but we have dealt with two late term still births. I agree with the others.... call anyway. Do things for them... don't ask first. They won't be able to process the question. Don't say, "Let me know if I can do anything"... they won't. They won't be able to figure out how to call.... calling will take too much energy and thinking. Just take them a meal... call them to say hi like usual... be willing to just sit with her and listen. "I love you and I'm sorry" can go a long way.

[gingersmom]

I can't even begin to imagine what they are going through.

 

I agree with what others have said though. Just be there for them. When my children's father died (massive heart attack), sometimes just a hug from someone was all we needed to keep going for a few more hours.

 

I would get your kids some books on dying. There are some excellent children's books. Very simple but they were quite comforting for my son.

 

I can't even imagine what the siblings are going through. Don't be surprised if it takes them months to first start reacting to what happened.

 

You might also want to look for local support groups for both the parents and the children. It was extremely helpful for my kids to connect with other children who had lost a parent.

[Starr]

You also have something very special that people in the future will not have; you know their baby girl. You can still tell sweet stories about her and remember her. I would be yourself. Get together. You will have to tell your children the painful truth. They will be a blessing to their friends. I have seen children act out their grief while playing together. I can't even imagine the pain. I'll be praying for all of you.

[springmama]

Thank you all so much. Your advice has helped tremendously.

 

You also have something very special that people in the future will not have; you know their baby girl. You can still tell sweet stories about her and remember her. I would be yourself. Get together. You will have to tell your children the painful truth. They will be a blessing to their friends. I have seen children act out their grief while playing together. I can't even imagine the pain. I'll be praying for all of you.

 

This is true. I have videos of our toddlers playing together. My 2 year old chasing hers, kissing her on the cheek, pictures of them sitting on a rocking chair together at church, babbling away to each other. Memories of them playing ball together. She was such a smart little girl.... so so special and just amazing. I just can't quit looking at her pictures. I need to upload these and send them to my friend.

[wy_kid_wrangler04]

Don't try to understand what they are going through, because you can't unless its happened to you. As the others have been saying, help her with her daily life work. Bring them groceries, diapers for the baby. Help with laundry.

 

Be there for her. If she's mad, let her yell at you (just remember, its not you she's really yelling at) If she needs to cry let her cry on your shoulder. If she just wants you to hold her hand without talking, do it. Help her with the kids.

 

 

I can not imagine. NO mother should have to bury her baby, this is bringing tears to my eyes to even think about.

 

Don't ask when you go to help, but if she clearly needs to be alone, let her. Let her know she doesnt have to hide her feelings, she doesnt have to put up a front.

 

I can not imagine. I WILL keep them in my prayers. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[mom4him]

Have any of you been through this? What do I do for her? What do I say? How do I help? Do I keep my own 2 year old away to avoid bringing hurtful reminders? If 2 year olds could be best friends, ours were. Our 7 year old girls are close and so are our 4 year old boys. What do I tell my kids?

 

She has a newborn baby. I'm just so afraid this is going to be too much for her to bear.

 

 

I want to do all the right things but I don't know what to do.

I think a lot depends on how close you are. I have a friend that lost a son 2 1/2 yrs ago. We are friends but not the kind that spends lots of time together. I called her EVERY DAY for about 6 months. I told her I was going to do this and let her know that if she didn't want to talk it was ok to just not pick up, I would just leave a message.

I can not tell you how many times she shared with me that my short message of 'Wanted to let you know that you are being thought about today and that I am praying for you' or 'I am praying for you. Love and appreciate how much you have done for our family' or 'I am so proud of you. You are one of my heros. I can see you are healing.' It was different pretty much every day. I think she picked up everytime she was home and we would talk for anywhere from a couple of minutes to over an hour.

I think she is going to need someone that she can be herself, let it all hang out, not have someone give her some weird theology etc.

I am sure that what ever you do will be a blessing to her.

[Aubrey]

You also have something very special that people in the future will not have; you know their baby girl. You can still tell sweet stories about her and remember her. I would be yourself. Get together. You will have to tell your children the painful truth. They will be a blessing to their friends. I have seen children act out their grief while playing together. I can't even imagine the pain. I'll be praying for all of you.

 

Oh, this is brilliantly insightful. While it's fresh, write down everything you can remember. Funny ways she mispronounced things, specific times/ways you saw her playing (incl your dd if appropriate to the story). How her hair was fixed, clothes, whatever.

 

Then...maybe make a memory book. One line to one paragraph per page. Illustrations or photos or none.

 

But then save it. Give it to her in a year or four years. On dd's bday or date of death.

 

Also, remember her b'day, at least for a few yrs to come. The friends/family who do will be few but precious.

 

Fwiw, I don't know firsthand. Dh's cousin lost her 2yo (almost 3) when our oldest was 1yo. Her family set up was pretty different from OP's friend--I don't know if that's irrelevant or can make it harder. Dd died mysteriously in her sleep. Nothing wrong, nothing showed up afterward. It takes your breath away to see something like that happen, & the swiftness from the first phone call to funeral arrangements felt cruel.

 

Cousin's bank acct was frozen until cause of death was determined. If I remember right, that's standard procedure in child death cases, so depending on the reason for your friend's death, a grocery gift card or something like that could be a life saver.

[springmama]

Oh, this is brilliantly insightful. While it's fresh, write down everything you can remember. Funny ways she mispronounced things, specific times/ways you saw her playing (incl your dd if appropriate to the story). How her hair was fixed, clothes, whatever.

 

Then...maybe make a memory book. One line to one paragraph per page. Illustrations or photos or none.

 

But then save it. Give it to her in a year or four years. On dd's bday or date of death.

 

Also, remember her b'day, at least for a few yrs to come. The friends/family who do will be few but precious.

 

Fwiw, I don't know firsthand. Dh's cousin lost her 2yo (almost 3) when our oldest was 1yo. Her family set up was pretty different from OP's friend--I don't know if that's irrelevant or can make it harder. Dd died mysteriously in her sleep. Nothing wrong, nothing showed up afterward. It takes your breath away to see something like that happen, & the swiftness from the first phone call to funeral arrangements felt cruel.

 

Cousin's bank acct was frozen until cause of death was determined. If I remember right, that's standard procedure in child death cases, so depending on the reason for your friend's death, a grocery gift card or something like that could be a life saver.

 

Thank you. This is helpful. We were just at their house on March 28 for this sweet girls 2nd birthday party. Sadly, this time of year will be terribly sad for them. I have so many pictures and memories to write down for her.

[Pippen]

Do things for them... don't ask first. They won't be able to process the question. Don't say, "Let me know if I can do anything"... they won't. .

 

When we hit a rough patch a friend called and told me she'd be over on ___ at such a time and I should leave her a list of errands to run. She did all of those out of the way things that I couldn't get to and I really appreciated.

 

My sympathies for the family's very great loss. I can't imagine.

[ThatCyndiGirl]

Don't stop yourself when you think of something funny or poignant about their daughter.

 

And.....listen and respond when they just want to talk about her. It seems like every single time somebody dies friends don't want to mention that persons name and try to change the topic when I want to talk about the deceased. It's like they are trying to erase them from history!

[Hockey Mom]

You've been given great advice.

 

I'm going to offer prayers for your friend, her family, and your famliy. :grouphug:

[ImAhomeSCHOOLmama]

That family is in my prayers! I can not imagine. I do not want to imagine. Father be with that mother, father and the siblings. Hold them closely!

[Heather in OK]

Will be praying for this dear family.

 

A couple in our church lost their son this Fall. At the funeral I saw a really special idea. They had a calendar book set up along with post-its (or index cards...can't remember which) and pens. There was a sign there instructing people what to do. You were to pick a day, a week, several weeks, etc. throughout the year. That was your week to do something special for the family. It could be anything from taking a meal, sending a card, calling, etc. Just do something to remember the family and support them.

[myfatherslily]

I heard that my friend's 2 year old niece died yesterday in an accident. We're homeschoolers in Alabama... surely it must be the same little girl:( I'll be praying for them. I can't begin to imagine.

[lollie010]

This is heartbreaking. I am praying.

[JulieJ]

I know this is not quite the same but about 2 years ago our 14 year old babysitter was killed ( along with her 13 year old best friend) on a quad accident.

 

She was the oldest of 4 children and I was heartbroken and was not sure what to do for her family. I ended up purchasing the prettiest locket I could find for her mother. I figured that she could place her picture in and always keep her near.

 

I later found out that the mother had also placed a lock of her daughter hair in the locket and she wears it everyday.

 

Our prayers go out to your friend's family.

[laughing lioness]

Enlist people to go and help. Don't ask what to do (I know this has been said) because she might not know. When our house burned people came and DID- they bought lumber and nailed up the windows, etc. When my sister died 4 days later a friend came to go shopping for clothes for us for the funeral. Could someone go and help make sure they have the clothes they need, help with arrangements? They have food, their house is clean, their kid are played with? A friend called us after the fire with a list of things: turn off cable, change cell phones, increase cell phone minutes, turn off water, etc. Very practicle but we were so on over load. It helped to have someone else think for us. Also, people called. It was almost overwhelming, but we knew we were loved. We were given a ton of food and that really helped- we froze food for a month- that was awesome to have later. People brought treats for our others kids- stuffed animals, gum, toys, etc. The kids have had a terrible loss, too. and the parents might not be in a place to comfort them. I remember when my mom died, (I was 37) a older man I barely knew came and put his arm around me while I sat in the back at the wake. He just sat with me while I cried. It was so touching and comforting. Encourage them to cry and grieve.

Pray for them.

I'm so sorry for this families tragic loss. I'll be praying for them. That the God of all Peace gives them hope, comfort and wisdom in the face of despair and anguish. :grouphug:

[JudoMom]

Have any of you been through this? What do I do for her? What do I say? How do I help? Do I keep my own 2 year old away to avoid bringing hurtful reminders? If 2 year olds could be best friends, ours were. Our 7 year old girls are close and so are our 4 year old boys. What do I tell my kids?

 

She has a newborn baby. I'm just so afraid this is going to be too much for her to bear.

 

 

I want to do all the right things but I don't know what to do.

 

I am so very, very sorry :grouphug::grouphug:. I'm sending you a PM.

[mamato4girls]

No advice for you, but :grouphug: I am so sorry for your friend, my heart breaks for her. I will say a prayer for her family and her precious child!

[texasmama]

I am a therapist who runs a Grief Recovery group. I have also had personal loss, though not my child. My very best advice is to let her talk as much as she wants, cry, not make any sense, be where she is...many people are urged to rush through a grief process by those around them who are uncomfortable with their pain. If she is a Christian, at some point she may want to read "Experiencing Grief". It is a small booklet but very powerful and it helped me personally. I use it in my group. It will take many years to find a new "normal" after a loss of this magnitude and it will never, ever go away.

 

Your two year old is of course, not the problem...the problem is that her two year old is gone. I would simply ask her what she needs from you in regards to being around your child and then do it. She will probably get a lot of advice but not many people asking her what she needs. She will likely not know what she needs at first, but she will appreciate that someone cared to ask. A million hugs for your friend.

[TXMomof4]

You also have something very special that people in the future will not have; you know their baby girl. You can still tell sweet stories about her and remember her. I would be yourself. Get together. You will have to tell your children the painful truth. They will be a blessing to their friends. I have seen children act out their grief while playing together. I can't even imagine the pain. I'll be praying for all of you.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

When our friends lost their daughter this was the thing that was the most important to them. Do all of the helpful things you can think of. Help with the laundry, the food, cleaning house, etc. Those are very necessary - but mostly be there to remember with them.

 

A friend of ours used the baby's clothes and pictures of her in those outfits printed on quilt blocks to make a memory quilt. She died a before her first birthday, so we had a little dinner for her birthday. More importantly, a year later we did the same thing. Remember that child with them. Talk about her (maybe not immediately, but you'll know when), remember funny little pranks or silly things she did. KWIM?

[Laurie4b]

I am a therapist who runs a Grief Recovery group. I have also had personal loss, though not my child. My very best advice is to let her talk as much as she wants, cry, not make any sense, be where she is...many people are urged to rush through a grief process by those around them who are uncomfortable with their pain. If she is a Christian, at some point she may want to read "Experiencing Grief". It is a small booklet but very powerful and it helped me personally. I use it in my group. It will take many years to find a new "normal" after a loss of this magnitude and it will never, ever go away.

 

Your two year old is of course, not the problem...the problem is that her two year old is gone. I would simply ask her what she needs from you in regards to being around your child and then do it. She will probably get a lot of advice but not many people asking her what she needs. She will likely not know what she needs at first, but she will appreciate that someone cared to ask. A million hugs for your friend.

 

I agree. You wouldn't believe how people just come out of the woodwork to tell someone how fast they ought to be over their grief. It's clearly about them and their own pain (I don't want to know anything hurts this bad. I don't want to have to share the pain any longer.) People who listen and allow a grieving person to grieve in their own way and at their own rate are jewels.

[Supertechmom]

And understand that she may need to grieve with others and not with you :crying: Don't be hurt that she can't go there with you. Sometimes grieving with someone who wasn't close is what they need.

[SproutMamaK]

I don't think you're posted back since your first post... I know you're definitely not doing okay, but I just wanted to bump this up, let you know that I'm still thinking of you and your friend and praying for you.

[CAMom]

Haven't read the other replies but I've lost a child. She was 6 weeks old.

 

Please, please don't avoid her! People did that to us because they didn't know what to say or do and that is so, so painful!

 

Be yourself. Cry with her. Send notes and e-mails that you are praying for her. Send a card on the first month anniversary, the sixth month anniversary, her baby's birthday, death day, etc. It is so comforting to know people remember.

 

She probably won't be able to respond to open offers for help so try to provide tangible help anyway.

 

I'm so sorry you're friend is going through this. During this acute phase of grief she often won't even know how she will draw her next breath. Carry her through with your prayers.

 

:grouphug:

[springmama]

Thanks for all of the replies. I am reading them and I've gotten the pms. You all have given such helpful advice. I was going to stay away and wait and since y'all have told me to go help, that's what I'm doing.

 

I want to get her a gift, maybe some kind of keepsake. Everything I find online seems to be super cheesy though. Do any of you have suggestions?

[MariannNOVA]

Thanks for all of the replies. I am reading them and I've gotten the pms. You all have given such helpful advice. I was going to stay away and wait and since y'all have told me to go help, that's what I'm doing.

 

I want to get her a gift, maybe some kind of keepsake. Everything I find online seems to be super cheesy though. Do any of you have suggestions?

 

Praying for you and your friend -- Don't know exactly what you are thinking of: picture frame with photo already in it?.......I gave a pretty frame to my sil and bil with a photo of their daughter - the frame had their daughter's initials on it. You may have to wait till something jumps at you as being the perfect gift -- thin gold bangle bracelet with their daughter's name engraved on the inside?

 

You've received such good advice here - my sil so appreciated it when folks stopped by unexpectedly -- she said that it always happened at just the right time. The friends would put in a load of laundry and sit with her while they waited for it to finish, it would go in the dryer and more sitting, and then they would fold together. Others would show up with dinner prepared or with the ingredients for dinner and sil would sit or help while the friend got dinner started. I do know that I was touched by the devotion and unselfishness of her friends - and they all had little children -- sometimes the kids were there, sometimes another friend watched them so it could just be sil and an adult.

 

And, don't forget your friend's dh -- my bil (who is one of the kindest people in the world) was so broken and he grieved so.........his friends were there for him, too.

 

The entire process requires a real effort on the part of friends and family and Church so that the family is ministered to, but with awareness, love, compassion, common sense, and mercy; friends and family will be such a blessing and a wonderful tool of the Lord's love. And, it was important that this continued after the services, etc. My niece died in May. There was always a plan and an awareness that folks be around for Mother's Day, Father's Day, etc. There was a big barbecue at sil/bil's house for 4th of july - that's how sil was - she wanted lots of people around. Everyone is different, but I found that with sil, if one simply asked her and her dh, as time went on, what they wanted to do or how they wanted to spend some time, they always had an idea. HTH

Edited April 13, 2010 by MariannNOVA

[serene]

Lisa Leonard creates beautiful pieces of jewelry. This link is to her blog. It shows a piece she created for another family that experienced the loss of a child.

 

http://www.lisaleonardonline.com/blog/2010/03/16/marked-by-love-audreys-necklace/

 

Blessings to you and your friend's family.

[Starr]

The locket idea sounds lovely as well. :grouphug:

[SproutMamaK]

I third the locket suggestion.

 

Also, if you can afford to - go grocery shopping for her. People are willing to bring dinners, etc, but no one really thinks about breakfast, lunch, snacks, etc. I think sometimes MAKING those things can be a nice distraction - but no one wants to have to make a trip to the grocery store, put thought into making a list, risk having a breakdown in front of hundreds of people, etc. Buy her some easy grab and go foods so that she doesn't HAVE to work too much to make her family food if she doesn't want to, the kdis can get their own food if they need it, etc. Fruit snacks, granola bars, apples, bananas, pre-made salads (not just lettuce but potato, pasta, etc), stuff like that.

Edited April 13, 2010 by SproutMamaK

[JenC3]

Kathy, I know you sew (Jentilla from the MC board) so I wonder if you and Hayes can whip up a special lap quilt (from some of her dd's clothes) for her to have to cuddle with. I know my arms would feel so empty right now. It might also be nice fr the kids to be able to cuddle under. I will be praying fr your friend, so awful to bear.

[mom2hunangirls]

What about planting a tree in honor of her daughter in her yard? Maybe something that blooms this time of year?

[OnTheBrink]

What about planting a tree in honor of her daughter in her yard? Maybe something that blooms this time of year?

 

 

I was going to suggest this, too. Maybe a dogwood or pink magnolia or something sweet and girly (if a tree can be girly).

 

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. I can't imagine the pain. :(

[Tree House Academy]

Thanks for all of the replies. I am reading them and I've gotten the pms. You all have given such helpful advice. I was going to stay away and wait and since y'all have told me to go help, that's what I'm doing.

 

I want to get her a gift, maybe some kind of keepsake. Everything I find online seems to be super cheesy though. Do any of you have suggestions?

 

A willow tree angel. They are faceless, but just amazing little keepsakes. I have gotten the "Angel of Remembrance" for a few people who have lost loved ones and they are always much appreciated. In your case, since you were so close to this child and family, I would look for something even more personal...something Willow Tree that reminds you of the child or of the family. It is something she will hold close to her heart and something she can display proudly in her home that will always hold a memory of her sweet girl.

 

I am praying so hard for this family. I don't understand why these things happen, and I know I am not supposed to. I just pray for healing, peace, comfort, and help in their time of need. :grouphug:

[Cindy in C-ville]

 

The best advice I received was this: continue to be in the friendship the same way you were in it before. If you usually go on a walk once a week -- call her to go on the walk. If you often chat on the phone while you make dinner -- call her at dinner-making time. If you are just casual acquaintances at church -- remain so.

 

 

 

I think this is excellent advice. Sometimes when tragedy strikes, "friends" come out of the woodwork. Sometimes these people are very helpful, engaged, etc. in the midst of a crisis, but they are not long-haul friends. It's the long-haul friends that really are the most helpful. It's not atypical for dh and me to be called into a crisis situation, but it's taken growth for us to remember that we are then really functioning like a rescue squad and it's important to pass folks off the to people who will provide long-term support.

[AlmiraGulch]

I found this site last year when my niece lost her baby girl.

 

The owner of the site lost her precious little one and now, as a free service, writes the child's name in the sand at the most perfect spot on the most perfect beach with the most amazing sunset as a backdrop. They're now offering for I think $20 to send the .jpg picture to as well.

 

I think they also have some other memorial things for purchase, but my niece adored the name in the sand tribute the words of comfort on the web site itself accompanying the photo. The one year anniversary of her daughter's death was just last week, and she posted the link to the site (and her baby's name in the sand) on her Facebook page in tribute and as part of the memorial service.

 

The tragedy of losing a child is unimaginable to me. My heart goes out to you and to the family.

[Cera]

We gave this to friends who had lost their child this christmas:

 

http://www.swarovski.com/Web_US/en/944874/product/Angel_Wings.html?CatalogCategoryName=9110903&isPromotion=true

[springmama]

Thanks again. My laptop is dead so it's hard to respond but I wanted to let you all know she is comforted by your prayers . The funeral is today at 1 pm ct. Some of you are local and will be there but I think it would be great for others to remember to pray for her at that time.

 

If you could spareva prayer for wisdom for me too I would appreciate it. I never know if I'm doing the right thing but when asked, she says she wants me there with her.

[Starr]

Thanks again. My laptop is dead so it's hard to respond but I wanted to let you all know she is comforted by your prayers . The funeral is today at 1 pm ct. Some of you are local and will be there but I think it would be great for others to remember to pray for her at that time.

 

If you could spareva prayer for wisdom for me too I would appreciate it. I never know if I'm doing the right thing but when asked, she says she wants me there with her.

 

Then you are doing the right thing. I'll be praying for all of you. :grouphug:

[Dobela]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Remember that child with them. Talk about her (maybe not immediately, but you'll know when), remember funny little pranks or silly things she did. KWIM?

Years from now this will still be important. Especially if you are still friends. My cousin died at an early age and while daily activities became easier, big milestones were still hard - like when the same age friend started kindergarten, began driving, graduated from high school and so on. My aunt said that in those times it was so comforting that a friend or acquantance would say something like, "I miss Chris. It seems strange for this to be happening and him not be a part." I worked with a woman whose dd died as a teen and she said the same thing - even though it had been years, she still liked knowing people remembered her daughter.

 

You said in another post that you have videos - I think it would be a wonderful, gracious gift to have those copied and presented to the family. Even if they were videoing at the same events, you may have moments they don't have, from another point of view. If my child died, I would want to see them in those moments more than any tree in my yard, even though I love trees. Plus, the videos are something they can have and take with them if they move.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I have no advice but I will pray for her family and for you.