Donation in lieu of gift etiquette question.

[Alexandra]

I have had several family members tell me that they intend to give a donation to XYZ organization in lieu of a gift to me or my children this year. Great I think...well not really. In one instance I did not really know we were exchanging gifts so now I feel obliged to give some money to an organization.

 

In another instance the money is being given to The Battered Women's Shelter. I think that is fine but it is the shelter in the gift giver's town - not mine. Shouldn't they ask me where I want my donation to go or at least give to an organization that is local to me?

[QueenCat]

When I donate money as a gift, I make it relevant to the person I'm donating in the name of. For children, I usually buy things from Samaritans Purse. Things kids would understand, like soccer balls, goats, etc. Usually, I do this in addition to a material gift as kids still like to get presents. Especially younger ones. I would not feel obligated to give something in return.

[Country Mouse]

I agree that you shouldn't feel obligated to donate to charity in return.

I do not think it is inappropropriate for the giver to choose a charity, though. This person may be giving to charity in lieu of giving any gifts, it would be hard to contact everyone on her list and give to all the various charities that other might like. She probably picked one that she felt was deserving, maybe an organization she is already involved with. I think this is a nice gesture and a nice way to depart from the consumerism surrounding Christmas.

[Ellie]

ITA with you. It's not much of a gift, really, regardless of how worthy the cause is, either.

[Melinda in VT]

I don't think there's much you can do as the recipient of such a gift.

 

However, this reminded me of something I heard of recently. There is a web site that allows you to give someone a gift certificate for a charitable donation. The recipient can then go to the web site and choose which charity (out of 100 choices) that they want to receive the money. I haven't used it yet, but I might in the future.

[OrganicAnn]

I think you are not obligated to give anything in return except a thank you note.

 

Just like you can't pick what presents someone gives to you, you can't really pick which charity.

 

If of course it is a gift to The Human Fund (Seinfeld reference), it is a whole other story. ;)

[Happy]

I have had several family members tell me that they intend to give a donation to XYZ organization in lieu of a gift to me or my children this year. Great I think...well not really. In one instance I did not really know we were exchanging gifts so now I feel obliged to give some money to an organization.

 

In another instance the money is being given to The Battered Women's Shelter. I think that is fine but it is the shelter in the gift giver's town - not mine. Shouldn't they ask me where I want my donation to go or at least give to an organization that is local to me?

 

For this to be a *gift* to you the charity should be one you support and care for. I don't get how this is meaningful to you at all.

[newbie]

For this to be a *gift* to you the charity should be one you support and care for. I don't get how this is meaningful to you at all.

 

:iagree:I would love it to be something I really cared about, otherwise I think it is just a regular donation that the giver is making.

 

I am sure a hunter would not like to receive a donation to Defenders for Wildlife. Or perhaps someone who cant stand Peta, receives a gift from them. Point is , there are many charities that people do not agree w/ and do not want any monies going to.

[Dawn in OH]

For this to be a *gift* to you the charity should be one you support and care for. I don't get how this is meaningful to you at all.

 

I agree.

 

I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat, but, what a crappy gift. It's one thing if I, the recipient, say hey, I don't want any gifts this year please make a donation to the Lukemia Foundation on my behalf, but to be told you are not getting a physical gift, that someone made a donation in your name instead kind of, well, sucks.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree.

 

I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat, but, what a crappy gift. It's one thing if I, the recipient, say hey, I don't want any gifts this year please make a donation to the Lukemia Foundation on my behalf, but to be told you are not getting a physical gift, that someone made a donation in your name instead kind of, well, sucks.

 

I agree! How do you respond? "Umm. I'm happy for them. . . I hope they enjoy my gift." :glare:

[LND1218]

I agree.

 

I don't want to sound like a spoiled brat, but, what a crappy gift. It's one thing if I, the recipient, say hey, I don't want any gifts this year please make a donation to the Lukemia Foundation on my behalf, but to be told you are not getting a physical gift, that someone made a donation in your name instead kind of, well, sucks.

 

:nopity:

[IsabelC]

I feel that donating to charity, while a good thing to do, is completely separate to giving somebody a gift. And while an adult might appreciate it, especially if the charity were carefully selected to suit the 'recipient', a little child would just be disappointed and wonder why she isn't getting anything. (We give our children money to donate to charity, but we also buy them a small gift so they have something to unwrap for themselves). If somebody can't afford to donate money and buy gifts, that's fine, but they shouldn't claim that their donation is a gift for somebody else, or expect you to reciprocate. Unless it was agreed beforehand, in which case it would have been nice for them to ask what your preferred charity organization is.

[lgm]

I'd agree that a donation in my name should be to a cause I support. (Who gets the tax deduction on that?) With children, I'd expect a certificate or a some sort of token to be given indicating the choice rather than nothing or a phone call. Nothing for a child makes me think of Bing Crosby performing " Christmas' is a Comin' ".

 

I wonder if the choices are a prelude to wanting to stop exchanging extended family gifts?

[angela in ohio]

ITA with you. It's not much of a gift, really, regardless of how worthy the cause is, either.

 

I agree. I don't think much of two-for-one deals. If you want to donate to a charity, do it, but don't pretend like it is a gift for someone else unless they specifically asked for that.

[Heather in Neverland]

This is one of those "no-win" situations. You feel kind of miffed but you don't want to say anything because you might look selfish or greedy. Then there is always that off chance they didn't actually donate to the charity and are just too cheap to give you a gift (a la Seinfeld...or maybe I am paranoid). But I am pretty sure the Bible says something about not telling people when you do good deeds and keeping it a secret...

[elegantlion]

I feel that donating to charity, while a good thing to do, is completely separate to giving somebody a gift. And while an adult might appreciate it, especially if the charity were carefully selected to suit the 'recipient', a little child would just be disappointed and wonder why she isn't getting anything. (We give our children money to donate to charity, but we also buy them a small gift so they have something to unwrap for themselves). If somebody can't afford to donate money and buy gifts, that's fine, but they shouldn't claim that their donation is a gift for somebody else, or expect you to reciprocate. Unless it was agreed beforehand, in which case it would have been nice for them to ask what your preferred charity organization is.

 

:iagree: Plus who gets the tax deduction? The snarky side of me would want to say "Great, could you please forward the receipt so I can be sure to deduct this from my taxes." The more realistic side of me would smile and say how great that was, then mumble to myself as I walk away.

[dangermom]

I agree. I don't think much of two-for-one deals. If you want to donate to a charity, do it, but don't pretend like it is a gift for someone else unless they specifically asked for that.

 

:iagree: I'm one of these folks too. Donate to a charity, great! Or give me a present, fine. But unless I've asked for it, it comes off as "I wanted to give money to a charity and get points for giving you a present at the same time."

[Parrothead]

You are never obligated to reciprocate when a gift is given to you. The only thing you need to do is write a thank you note.

[Nestof3]

I just find that weird. If a family wants to donate, fine. If they want to stop giving gifts to people, fine. They have nothing to do with each other, though, in my opinion. I can see this working between a husband or wife or within a family where everyone decides this is a good idea, but that's it.

 

I hope no one ever pulls that with me. I'd much rather them just say that they're tightening their spending this year on gifts or something like that. Or just say nothing at all.

 

PS -- Who gets the tax deduction? LOL

 

This year, my husband told his sister and husband that he'd like to just exchange gifts within the children this year as it's always one of those stressful, "what do we buy for them" situations, and we always end up exchanging restaurant gift cards. It felt sort of silly. When I buy for someone, which I love to do, I want to get something they're going to love -- not just do it to fulfill some sort of obligation.

Edited December 13, 2009 by nestof3

[cin]

the only time I did this it was sort of a gift, and sort of a joke. There is a lady at my church who has been like a mother to me. She also has my snarky sense of humor, and prays that God will keep her mouth shut. She and her husband live in an apt. that is attached to their son's home. It's small, so buying something for her is difficult. So, one year I went to one of those charities where you can buy animals for families in different parts of the world. I knew she would appreciate it, and I knew that she'd never again get a GOAT for Christmas. She still talks about that silly goat. :D

 

But her personality is such that I knew I could do it without any problems. And honestly, I knew she'd love it!

[Murphy101]

:iagree:I would love it to be something I really cared about, otherwise I think it is just a regular donation that the giver is making.

 

I am sure a hunter would not like to receive a donation to Defenders for Wildlife. Or perhaps someone who cant stand Peta, receives a gift from them. Point is , there are many charities that people do not agree w/ and do not want any monies going to.

 

Amen!

 

I can't begin to say how bloody furious I would be to have a donation made in my name to planned parenthood.

 

Dh feels the same way about diabetes associations. Oh man. Don't even get him started on that.

 

I wish this notion of gift obligation would just go away. It rates right up there with snacks at. Every. Darn. Thing.

 

I know. Bahhumbug. :tongue_smilie:

[KidsHappen]

It sounds to me like this person had limited funds and perhaps wished to donate whatever she could instead of giving gifts which is fine and I think that most people could respect that. However, she could have handled it better by simply issuing a blanket statement to that effect and wishing everyone happy holidays. I agree that it comes off a little tacky to say that you are giving a gift to such and such cause in lieu of giving a gift to a particular person as that is not really a gift at all but screams of trying to take credit for both the gift giving and the donation.

[Georgiana Daniels]

Oh wow--how noble of them to donate to charity! (snark intended)

 

I agree that good deeds and donations do NOT need to be touted by oneself. Unless the donation was requested by the recipient of the "gift"--it's two completely separate things.

 

Maybe a good gift for a passionate adult, who gets to choose the charity, but not for a kid who may or may not understand.

[EmilyK]

Gosh, I've had this happen to me and not felt snarky at all. (For what it is worth, I'm not into extended gift giving with adults, so that may affect how I feel about it.) So my best friends and I used to exchange gifts when we were in our 20s. We now live far away from each other in most cases (and we're in our 40s) and are busy with kids, careers, spouses now. At some point, I think as a transition to not exchanging gifts, they did that with me, and I thought it was nice. My mother has done the Heifer International thing with me and I thought that was nice. There are a few people who send gifts to my kids but who are trying to downsize stuff and so I sent them gifts from Seva or Heifer, things I thought they would find meaningful. I see it as totally different than my giving to charity to "my" causes. Like I give to charity when someone dies, but don't count that against what I would normally do in terms of charitable giving.

 

I wouldn't do it to a kid I normally send gifts to but that's just me.

 

I think it is very hard to shop for adults you aren't with very often. And extended shopping and mailing really added to my stress, so I've brought up with people not exchanging gifts. It seems to have gone OK. I think many older people want to get away from that.

 

But now I'm more sensitized to the charity thing seeming rude.

[Tammyla]

Personally, I feel it isn't a gift unless the person feels strongly about the organization, cause or ask for donations in lieu of gifts, flowers etc.

 

We do donate as a family here during the holidays, but it's for what it gives us. This situation reminds me of George, donating to the Human Fund.:001_huh:

Edited December 14, 2009 by Tammyla

[In the Rain]

For this to be a *gift* to you the charity should be one you support and care for. I don't get how this is meaningful to you at all.

 

:iagree:

 

This doesn't sound like a gift for you, but something your family members are doing instead of gift giving. They should word their announcement differently.

 

One year, dh's grandparents decided to travel to California to help Operation Christmas Child pack up the boxes. They stated that this was being funded with money they would have spent on gifts for families and friends. They never claimed it was our gift, but being done instead of giving a gift. Gift giving is not a requirement and I thought that was a lovely idea. :001_smile:

 

On the other hand, I wish they had left out the comments about how we all have so much already, and will shower each other with gifts instead of helping the truly needy. :tongue_smilie: I would have happily supported their decision even without being made to feel bad for what I have.

 

FWIW, I don't think you should feel obligated to give a gift or make a donation in return. Gifts shouldn't be given out of obligation. (Said as I ponder what to give to a few people I feel obligated to give gifts to. ;))

[Nestof3]

But I still don't see where "you" fit into any of this. Why even include you in it? I'm not suggesting you feel bothered by it or anything, but I still don't understand what it has to do with you.

 

When a person dies, the family members are often left with lots of flowers to deal with, so I can totally see the family requesting that a donation be made to a certain organization. But Christmas gifts are to me like birthday presents -- they are personal. We all have to draw a line concerning those we purchase gifts for; some give within their immediate family only while some don't give gifts at all. Those decisions are perfectly up to the family. But, if a family decides they don't want to include me (or any of my family) in their gift-giving, that's fine. But, don't give to charity and call it a gift to me. It just makes no sense. To be the recipient of a gift, I actually have to receive a gift. I get joy out of giving to an organization, but I would receive no joy in someone else giving in my name.

 

Gosh, I've had this happen to me and not felt snarky at all. (For what it is worth, I'm not into extended gift giving with adults, so that may affect how I feel about it.) So my best friends and I used to exchange gifts when we were in our 20s. We now live far away from each other in most cases (and we're in our 40s) and are busy with kids, careers, spouses now. At some point, I think as a transition to not exchanging gifts, they did that with me, and I thought it was nice. My mother has done the Heifer International thing with me and I thought that was nice. There are a few people who send gifts to my kids but who are trying to downsize stuff and so I sent them gifts from Seva or Heifer, things I thought they would find meaningful. I see it as totally different than my giving to charity to "my" causes. Like I give to charity when someone dies, but don't count that against what I would normally do in terms of charitable giving.

 

I wouldn't do it to a kid I normally send gifts to but that's just me.

 

I think it is very hard to shop for adults you aren't with very often. And extended shopping and mailing really added to my stress, so I've brought up with people not exchanging gifts. It seems to have gone OK. I think many older people want to get away from that.

 

But now I'm more sensitized to the charity thing seeming rude.

[Coleroo]

I'm as easy going as they come, so I would never say this to someone in person - but inwardly I've always thought "donation gifts" were completely crappy unless the person specifically ASKED you to donate in lieu of giving them "more junk". THEN, the donation should be made to the person's charity of choice.

 

To do otherwise just seems completely bizarre.

 

So if I donate X amount to save the polar bears and give it to my harley bike loving MIL...um...that's not thoughtful at all. Not at all.

 

The purpose of gift giving (from an anthropological / cultural standpoint) is to strengthen relationships and show bonds. Therefore the gift needs to be meaningful. This modern PC junk of "donating to a worthy cause" and then giving it as a gift is a bunch of hooey. :001_huh: If someone did that to me without me first *asking* for a donation-in-lieu-of, I would seriously question the depth of our relationship.

[Nestof3]

I'm as easy going as they come, so I would never say this to someone in person - but inwardly I've always thought "donation gifts" were completely crappy unless the person specifically ASKED you to donate in lieu of giving them "more junk". THEN, the donation should be made to the person's charity of choice.

 

To do otherwise just seems completely bizarre.

 

So if I donate X amount to save the polar bears and give it to my harley bike loving MIL...um...that's not thoughtful at all. Not at all.

 

The purpose of gift giving (from an anthropological / cultural standpoint) is to strengthen relationships and show bonds. Therefore the gift needs to be meaningful. This modern PC junk of "donating to a worthy cause" and then giving it as a gift is a bunch of hooey. :001_huh: If someone did that to me without me first *asking* for a donation-in-lieu-of, I would seriously question the depth of our relationship.

 

:iagree:

[StephanieZ]

I have had several family members tell me that they intend to give a donation to XYZ organization in lieu of a gift to me or my children this year. Great I think...well not really. In one instance I did not really know we were exchanging gifts so now I feel obliged to give some money to an organization.

 

In another instance the money is being given to The Battered Women's Shelter. I think that is fine but it is the shelter in the gift giver's town - not mine. Shouldn't they ask me where I want my donation to go or at least give to an organization that is local to me?

 

Lame, lame, lame. You poor thing!

 

It is not a gift if the receiver is not being considered! Yuck. Yuck. Yuck.

 

If I were you, I'd feel NO obligation to reciprocate to these kinds of gifts except with a holiday greeting/card of some sort. I'd be miffed in a major way, as a matter of fact. I'd have to resist sending a snippy thank you card "I am sure the battered women in your town appreciate your thoughtfulness this season!! With love, me and my kids. . .." I *would* resist but it would be hard!

 

IMHO, the only acceptable times to donate to charity in lieu of a gift is when the RECEIVER has specifically requested that. And, I don't like that either, as I think it is pretty rude to request ANY gift!! So, IMHO, actually it is only acceptable when the GIVER has asked the intended recipient for gift ideas and THEN the recipient has reluctantly suggested a particular charity. . . IMHO, the charity MUST be chosen as to not be offensive to either party!! (No political causes if politics differ. . . no PETA if one party is an omnivore. . . etc.)

 

IMHO, a gift is about a thoughtful choice by the giver with the recipient in mind. Charitable donations rarely meet this criteria.

 

UGH. . . now to pull out the Heifer International catalog to select my mom's (requested, UGH) gift. . . UGH. . . (Of course, this requested gift in no way reduces my need to buy other gifts as she will be here Christmas morning and so needs things to open while the rest of us gorge on loot. . .and she always gives tons of things. . . So, my inquiry for gift ideas resulted in this charity idea which just adds $$ to my budget to the benefit of the charity (all good), but does not at all resolve my need to purchase/make gifts for her. UGH.

 

Can you tell I HATE charity gifts??? No Fun At All!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[IsabelC]

I like the getting your goat one, but I still wonder who would dare to send their friend or family member a card stating "In thinking of you, I have purchased a toilet." :D

[Laurie4b]

We have occasionally done this--once as a surprise gift, but to a charity that we knew someone supported heavily. We now do this regularly for my mother, who doesn't need/want more stuff. It's not really a gift to her--it's a gift to someone else made possible because she has asked us not to give to her. We like to tell her where the money went instead.

 

In your case, what you're describing sounds rather bizarre, although it sounds like several family members (but not you) got together and decided that this is what they wanted to do instead of a gift exchange. I think I might respond indicating this-- "People do spend a lot of money on things others don't need. We're fine not receiving gifts--don't feel like you have to donate in our name or tell us what you've donated." That would "reflect back" your perspective on the situation.

 

I think you have to assume they are doing it in a good spirit--it's just being handled rather clumsily.

[Jean in Newcastle]

the only time I did this it was sort of a gift, and sort of a joke. There is a lady at my church who has been like a mother to me. She also has my snarky sense of humor, and prays that God will keep her mouth shut. She and her husband live in an apt. that is attached to their son's home. It's small, so buying something for her is difficult. So, one year I went to one of those charities where you can buy animals for families in different parts of the world. I knew she would appreciate it, and I knew that she'd never again get a GOAT for Christmas. She still talks about that silly goat. :D

 

But her personality is such that I knew I could do it without any problems. And honestly, I knew she'd love it!

 

My brother recently bought a small farm. Dd8 saw the World Vision catalog that came with chickens, cows and goats etc. and picked out a very nice goat that she wanted to send to her uncle! She was so disappointed when I explained that if we did buy a goat "for him" through that catalog that it wouldn't actually go to him at all . . .

[Haiku]

Shouldn't they ask me where I want my donation to go or at least give to an organization that is local to me?

 

No. Gifts are what a person chooses to give. If they choose to donate in your name, that is their prerogative.

 

We make a donation to the orphanage our daughter was adopted from every year in the names of our family members. That is their "gift." It is what we choose to give because our funds are limited and we'd rather support a charity than buy presents for a very large extended family. If someone thinks it's tacky to get a nice thank-you card from an orphanage, too bad for them.

 

Tara

Edited December 13, 2009 by TaraTheLiberator

[Haiku]

but to be told you are not getting a physical gift, that someone made a donation in your name instead kind of, well, sucks.

 

Yeah, how terrible that someone chose to help those who are less fortunate in your name rather than giving you stuff you don't need. I agree. What a crappy present. ;)

 

Tara

[Jean in Newcastle]

It seems to me that the only one really getting a gift is the organization or charity that actually receives it. By putting someone else's name on the gift I suppose you could say that you are giving them recognition for the gift but really that's as far as it goes. And since no one cares who gave these types of gifts then really you aren't getting even recognition. (I don't care about getting recognition but some people do - just think of the plaques under stained glass windows in churches, a bequests to places like the zoo etc. Of course you only get recognition for gifts like that when you give large sums of money!)

[TN Mama]

Yeah, how terrible that someone chose to help those who are less fortunate in your name rather than giving you stuff you don't need. I agree. What a crappy present. ;)

 

Tara

 

It isn't crappy to give to the less fortunate, but I find what the op describes as bizarre. If you want to give - do, certainly! If you want to give a gift to someone, make sure you are thinking of THAT person in your gift, imo. (In other words, gift to something they are personally connected to. Their church, a local charity they are involved in... something that shows you are thinking of THEM with your gift to THEM.)

 

I don't need anything. If someone made a donation to some random charity in my name, I wouldn't be mad, but it would not mean something to me in the same way as if they donated to a cause I was involved in - my church, foodbank, WorldVision, St. Jude... something personal to me.

[Haiku]

Well, I guess once again I am just at odds with the prevailing culture. I'm surprised by the level of entitlement or whatever coming through in this thread ... "I should get a gift that *I* want." I expect no gifts from anyone and would FAR rather that someone spend their money on charity than buy me crap. I think that the fact that someone chose to honor you (me, whomever) in their charitable giving is extremely meaningful. I'd willingly sacrifice stuff so that those less fortunate might benefit, and I consider it quite a gift that someone would give me that opportunity.

 

Tara

[Sputterduck]

In another instance the money is being given to The Battered Women's Shelter. I think that is fine but it is the shelter in the gift giver's town - not mine. Shouldn't they ask me where I want my donation to go or at least give to an organization that is local to me?

 

Does it really matter *where* a woman is getting help? It's about the woman and not you or where you live.

[Sputterduck]

Well, I guess once again I am just at odds with the prevailing culture. I'm surprised by the level of entitlement or whatever coming through in this thread ... "I should get a gift that *I* want." I expect no gifts from anyone and would FAR rather that someone spend their money on charity than buy me crap. I think that the fact that someone chose to honor you (me, whomever) in their charitable giving is extremely meaningful. I'd willingly sacrifice stuff so that those less fortunate might benefit, and I consider it quite a gift that someone would give me that opportunity.

 

Tara

 

 

Thank you. This thread made me cry.

 

I have limited funds but I want to do something regarding the people I am going to spend Christmas with. My aunt, uncle, and their 3 kids, two of whom are in college and a little girl in elementary school, are really hard to buy for. They are extremely well off. They can buy anything they want when they want it. My grandma is very old, and doesn't really do anything anymore. I can't even get her something cooking related as the family has hired someone to do all her cooking for her. My parents are hard to buy for as well. I am a single mother college student. Nothing I can buy will be meaningful for any of these people.

 

However, someone linked a charity on here where you can get animals and all sorts of other cool things for a family in need in third world countries. I thought it was great!

 

For my aunt and uncle, who are deeply religious, I was going to give a Bible to a family who can't afford it as well as seeds for a family to grow to feed them and their children. My uncle grew up around agriculture and I thought that the seeds for a family to eat for the year would mean something to him.

 

For my grandma, who lived her life growing fruit and tending fruit trees, I was going to donate 5 fruit trees to a family.

 

For my mother and father who survived a flood that ruined their house, I was going to get flood relief for a family.

 

For my two cousins in college, I was going to give them each 25 dollar Kiva certificates, where they can invest in third world entrepreneurs, who will pay the loan back, at which point my cousins can reinvest in another person, and so on.

 

For my little girl cousin, I was going to donate a chicken and two ducks, so a family can have eggs for years to come. I thought she would love the idea since it incorporates cute animals.

 

 

I'm thinking of calling the whole thing off. Maybe I shouldn't get anything for anyone. All I can afford for these people is a stupid 20 dollar gift for each that won't mean anything to them or their life. They all have everything they want.

[mirth]

Can you really make a donation in someone else's name, as in a tax-deductible receipt for 1040 will be generated if need be thing? So someone could donate to the Disarm America Coalition (I just made that up) in Charleton Heston's name?

 

Anyway ... because I guess I doubt the above can be true, I wouldn't really care where the donation went unless the giver were trying exceptionally hard to get my goat, as in the CH example above.

 

So, if I give someone a $40 box of Trail's End Chocolate Popcorn (the box will say 70% of the revenue went to the Boy Scouts of America) innocently as a gift, does that person have a right to remark, "Oooh, I hate Boys Scouts. They are so _____. Why didn't you buy me Girl Scout Cookies instead?? I prefer GS! I agree with their .... [mumble] ....and I prefer their blah,blah, blah ...!

 

Sure they can say whatever or feel whatever. I guess they were to say anything, I would prefer if they trashed me and my gift to my face. This could be handled quite easily by me the following year.

[TN Mama]

Well, I guess once again I am just at odds with the prevailing culture. I'm surprised by the level of entitlement or whatever coming through in this thread ... "I should get a gift that *I* want." I expect no gifts from anyone and would FAR rather that someone spend their money on charity than buy me crap. I think that the fact that someone chose to honor you (me, whomever) in their charitable giving is extremely meaningful. I'd willingly sacrifice stuff so that those less fortunate might benefit, and I consider it quite a gift that someone would give me that opportunity.

 

Tara

 

 

I read and reread my post before submitting because I was worried it would be taken as it obviously has been. I don't expect anything. I don't need anything. I am blessed beyond measure. If someone wants to make a donation in my name, I'd be honored. But I have a hard time calling that a gift. I guess when I think of giving a gift to someone, I try to think about that person and what they would like (material or charity). If I know my mom is passionate about St. Jude's - I probably would not make a donation to my own church in her name. She's not a member there, she doesn't live in my city. Making a donation in someone's name is a kind hearted, wonderful thing... I'm not questioning that at all. And I wouldn't complain if someone donated in my name to a charity they were passionate about - but I don't see how it's a gift to me.

 

Please read this as I intend it - I don't care if anyone buys me a gift (ok, I'd like my husband to buy me something :001_smile:). It isn't about being entitled. It isn't about buying people things. Imo it is about thinking about the person you are honoring with your gift. Otherwise (again, imo) it isn't actually a gift.

 

OK - an example. I was going to get my bestest friend a signed copy of PW's cookbook. I didn't get to make it to the book signing and have been trying to think of what to give her. After much thought, decided to make a donation to a scholarship that she started in her mother's memory at the oncology dept at a hospital that I am in no way affiliated with. That will mean something to her. And she is the person I wish to honor with my gift. Does that make sense? Hope so. :)

[TN Mama]

Thank you. This thread made me cry.

 

I have limited funds but I want to do something regarding the people I am going to spend Christmas with. My aunt, uncle, and their 3 kids, two of whom are in college and a little girl in elementary school, are really hard to buy for. They are extremely well off. They can buy anything they want when they want it. My grandma is very old, and doesn't really do anything anymore. I can't even get her something cooking related as the family has hired someone to do all her cooking for her. My parents are hard to buy for as well. I am a single mother college student. Nothing I can buy will be meaningful for any of these people.

 

However, someone linked a charity on here where you can get animals and all sorts of other cool things for a family in need in third world countries. I thought it was great!

 

For my aunt and uncle, who are deeply religious, I was going to give a Bible to a family who can't afford it as well as seeds for a family to grow to feed them and their children. My uncle grew up around agriculture and I thought that the seeds for a family to eat for the year would mean something to him.

 

For my grandma, who lived her life growing fruit and tending fruit trees, I was going to donate 5 fruit trees to a family.

 

For my mother and father who survived a flood that ruined their house, I was going to get flood relief for a family.

 

For my two cousins in college, I was going to give them each 25 dollar Kiva certificates, where they can invest in third world entrepreneurs, who will pay the loan back, at which point my cousins can reinvest in another person, and so on.

 

For my little girl cousin, I was going to donate a chicken and two ducks, so a family can have eggs for years to come. I thought she would love the idea since it incorporates cute animals.

 

 

I'm thinking of calling the whole thing off. Maybe I shouldn't get anything for anyone. All I can afford for these people is a stupid 20 dollar gift for each that won't mean anything to them or their life. They all have everything they want.

 

I think that is lovely. You have thought about how giving to someone in need relates to your family. This is exactly the point I was trying to make. If you sent me a card with any of the above written in it, I would be in tears that a) you thought of something that has personally affected me and b) wanted to help someone in need. Don't call it off. A gift isn't about the amount of money, ever. It's about the thought and it is obvious you put a lot of thought into your idea. Go for it!

[Haiku]

That will mean something to her. And she is the person I wish to honor with my gift. Does that make sense? Hope so. :)

 

It makes sense, but I guess the way I see it is that it's meaningful to me when anyone is helped, whether it's my pet project or charity or not. My kids were adopted from overseas. Proximity of the charity to my location isn't a big deal to me, because I have had countless (and I do mean countless) people ask me, "Why didn't you adopt an American child? Plenty of them need help." My answer is generally that where a child was born doesn't matter to me. I extend that to charity in all aspects.

 

Perhaps we have slipped into a semantic debate about the word "gift."

 

Tara

[ally]

Finally two people who think like I do. I find the gift exchanging nearly meaningless with people who can get whatever they'd want. My sister and I decided last year that we were done with stuff and more stuff and much prefer donations be made in our name. Who the heck cares about the tax donation either? My dear college son made a donation in honor of me for my birthday and mother's day. I was extremely touched and proud of him. I was really disturbed by most of the posts in response to the OP except for Tara and Sputterducks. After spending time in a 3rd world country and recognizing there are more than 147 million orphans in this world, I never looked at "gifts" and Christmas the same. I love buying gifts for those in my family that can't afford many things including my children and family members that live on a very tight budget but that's completely differently than the obligatory gift exchange most folks participate in.

[Murphy101]

Does it really matter *where* a woman is getting help? It's about the woman and not you or where you live.

 

Yes. It might. For example, I refuse to support DCFS in any way whatsoever outside of what is forced out of us via taxes.

 

Just an example.;)

 

Thank you. This thread made me cry.

 

I have limited funds but I want to do something regarding the people I am going to spend Christmas with.

 

I'm thinking of calling the whole thing off. Maybe I shouldn't get anything for anyone. All I can afford for these people is a stupid 20 dollar gift for each that won't mean anything to them or their life. They all have everything they want.

 

:grouphug:Yes. :grouphug:Call it off, IMHO. :grouphug: Not because of the dollar amount. How much one spends doesn't matter. But because you are giving them something- yourself. Your time. Your love. The memories you will build together of this holiday spent together. That IS enough. In fact, it is really all that matters. You really can't give any gift to top that.:grouphug:

 

If you want to donate that much money instead of giving gifts to people that don't need it - awesome. Do it. But don't worry about giving gifts!!!

 

 

So, if I give someone a $40 box of Trail's End Chocolate Popcorn (the box will say 70% of the revenue went to the Boy Scouts of America) innocently as a gift, does that person have a right to remark, "Oooh, I hate Boys Scouts. They are so _____. Why didn't you buy me Girl Scout Cookies instead?? I prefer GS! I agree with their .... [mumble] ....and I prefer their blah,blah, blah ...!

 

Sure they can say whatever or feel whatever. I guess they were to say anything, I would prefer if they trashed me and my gift to my face. This could be handled quite easily by me the following year.

 

No of course not. And I don't think anyone here was saying that anything should be said either. Much less anything hateful. More of a variation between, "HUH?" up to the possibility of an offense being taken, hopefully by mistake and not intentional. For example, if I received a card from planned parenthood saying that so and so had made a donation gift in my honor - I would not be happy. now if so and so knew me fairly well - i'd be royal ticked. However if so and so is someone who really doesn't know me much better than they know Adam and Eve, then I'll be annoyed buy not angry. In either case I doubt I would say anythign unless they brought it up. If they brought it up, I might as gently as I can say that many people, such as myself, have ethical and religious objections to pp, just as an FYI.

 

Myself and others do not have a sense of entitlement. In fact, myself and others have said we'd rather just get nothing.

 

I really really wish the entire obligatory gift thing would end. Would just fade away from existance. It's a waste of money, time, stress and takes away from what this season is supposed to be about - God, love, family. No gift required to participate.:)

[tex-mex]

Seems like an excuse not to give a gift in the first place -- I mean, really? It is like tithing -- should be done automatically. Giving over the tithe is optional and should not be used for glory or opting out of a gift to a relative. Heavens. Let the giver donate their $$$ -- but for pity's sake, why announce to the relative we gave your gift to someone else? Truly tacky. :glare:

[tex-mex]

This is one of those "no-win" situations. You feel kind of miffed but you don't want to say anything because you might look selfish or greedy. Then there is always that off chance they didn't actually donate to the charity and are just too cheap to give you a gift (a la Seinfeld...or maybe I am paranoid). But I am pretty sure the Bible says something about not telling people when you do good deeds and keeping it a secret...

 

Yes... those were my thoughts. And yes, to the OP... unfortunately, the episode of George Constanza cheaping out on gifts to his co-workers in lieu of the "Human Fund" did cross my mind. :D

[Nakia]

Thank you. This thread made me cry.

 

I have limited funds but I want to do something regarding the people I am going to spend Christmas with. My aunt, uncle, and their 3 kids, two of whom are in college and a little girl in elementary school, are really hard to buy for. They are extremely well off. They can buy anything they want when they want it. My grandma is very old, and doesn't really do anything anymore. I can't even get her something cooking related as the family has hired someone to do all her cooking for her. My parents are hard to buy for as well. I am a single mother college student. Nothing I can buy will be meaningful for any of these people.

 

However, someone linked a charity on here where you can get animals and all sorts of other cool things for a family in need in third world countries. I thought it was great!

 

For my aunt and uncle, who are deeply religious, I was going to give a Bible to a family who can't afford it as well as seeds for a family to grow to feed them and their children. My uncle grew up around agriculture and I thought that the seeds for a family to eat for the year would mean something to him.

 

For my grandma, who lived her life growing fruit and tending fruit trees, I was going to donate 5 fruit trees to a family.

 

For my mother and father who survived a flood that ruined their house, I was going to get flood relief for a family.

 

For my two cousins in college, I was going to give them each 25 dollar Kiva certificates, where they can invest in third world entrepreneurs, who will pay the loan back, at which point my cousins can reinvest in another person, and so on.

 

For my little girl cousin, I was going to donate a chicken and two ducks, so a family can have eggs for years to come. I thought she would love the idea since it incorporates cute animals.

 

 

I'm thinking of calling the whole thing off. Maybe I shouldn't get anything for anyone. All I can afford for these people is a stupid 20 dollar gift for each that won't mean anything to them or their life. They all have everything they want.

 

I think you should definitely stick with your plans. I think it sounds lovely. Your heart is what matters. I have never heard of being offended by someone donating in your name. If someone told me they were donating to a charity in my name, I would be honored. I am so blessed, and I would love for someone to bless others in my name. Very thoughtful. I totally agree with Tara!

Edited December 14, 2009 by Nakia

[amy g.]

I like it when my friends donate in my name. How I wish my husband's family would do that instead of buying more things that no one wants, and I don't have space for. Last year it was pearls and a purse for my tom boy daughter. Hello? Have you not known her for the past 15 years?

 

On the other hand, I would not give to a charity instead of a gift unless I was asked to. I just give money instead. It's the only thing I know people will want.