Inlaw situation...long, sorry!

[BakersDozen]

I am about 1.5 hours away from my sil in NM. It has been expected that I travel to see her when I am visiting no matter what, even if it is 9pm and my baby has just gone to bed for the night, I'm in my pj's and exhausted. If sil wants to see us, I go. :glare: I invited sil up here for a day this weekend because I really don't want to drive another 3 hour round trip since we just completed a lovely (ha!) 12 hour trip from AZ. Here's the response I got from her: "If you are able to come to Albq this weekend, we could get together then but we won't be able to come to Los Alamos until after our trip. We are returning to Albq on July 5th so it would have to be the weekend after that and I don't know how long you will be there. This Saturday, Janelle has a birthday party from 10-12, and then the afternoon we have no plans. Sunday we don't have much going on other than celebrating father's day, but nothing in particular is planned."

 

OK, she has no plans yet won't drive up here? I get that she is herself getting ready to go on a trip that next week but come on! The other thing is that I won't be in CO until the 5th which is when she leaves, and my mil is putting pressure on me to come up earlier which I refuse to do! A dear adopted grandmother of ours in AZ misses us so much she is telling her dh to figure out how to cook his own meals for a few days and is driving out here to see us. I've promised her for 2 years to take her to Santa Fe for her 70th bday and will not change those plans just so we can see my sil and her dc. The thing is, my mil's world revolves around my sil's dc (not my dc...my dc are just a pain and there are too many of them to really enjoy :glare:) so it's not that my mil wants anything more than for us to see her "real" grandkids.

 

The right thing to do would be for me to go to Alb. But I don't want to. I don't want to be the one to drive 3 hours round trip, to load the kids into the van again. I feel angry and need to know if there is anyone else who would say, "Bummer, maybe next time."

[Liz CA]

So why not have some healthy boundaries? All in a civil and nice way.

Something like "We are a little overwhelmed right now to take a trip but would love to see you whenever you can make it here..."

 

Is your dh in agreement with you? Perhaps he could respond kindly but firmly.

 

[mom4him]

I am about 1.5 hours away from my sil in NM. It has been expected that I travel to see her when I am visiting no matter what, even if it is 9pm and my baby has just gone to bed for the night, I'm in my pj's and exhausted. If sil wants to see us, I go. :glare: I invited sil up here for a day this weekend because I really don't want to drive another 3 hour round trip since we just completed a lovely (ha!) 12 hour trip from AZ. Here's the response I got from her: "If you are able to come to Albq this weekend, we could get together then but we won't be able to come to Los Alamos until after our trip. We are returning to Albq on July 5th so it would have to be the weekend after that and I don't know how long you will be there. This Saturday, Janelle has a birthday party from 10-12, and then the afternoon we have no plans. Sunday we don't have much going on other than celebrating father's day, but nothing in particular is planned."

 

OK, she has no plans yet won't drive up here? I get that she is herself getting ready to go on a trip that next week but come on! The other thing is that I won't be in CO until the 5th which is when she leaves, and my mil is putting pressure on me to come up earlier which I refuse to do! A dear adopted grandmother of ours in AZ misses us so much she is telling her dh to figure out how to cook his own meals for a few days and is driving out here to see us. I've promised her for 2 years to take her to Santa Fe for her 70th bday and will not change those plans just so we can see my sil and her dc. The thing is, my mil's world revolves around my sil's dc (not my dc...my dc are just a pain and there are too many of them to really enjoy :glare:) so it's not that my mil wants anything more than for us to see her "real" grandkids.

 

The right thing to do would be for me to go to Alb. But I don't want to. I don't want to be the one to drive 3 hours round trip, to load the kids into the van again. I feel angry and need to know if there is anyone else who would say, "Bummer, maybe next time."

Bummer, maybe next time is the reply I would give. No excuses, just it isn't going to work out this time. Oh well.

[BakersDozen]

Is your dh in agreement with you? Perhaps he could respond kindly but firmly.

 

My dh is very firm that I should not go see her because he is sick to death of his family pulling stuff like this. He can't respond to them, though, because he would lose his temper and that is an ugly thing when it comes to his mom/sister. So for the sake of any relationship I have to respond. I actually just got off the phone with him and he said I do not need to feel guilty, just tell her I can't make it. What he can't do is to actually convince me I shouldn't feel guilty. What's getting me is that I can't come up with a truly valid reason to not drive and see her other than that I don't want to. That would make me a hypocrite, wouldn't it? Since that is probably her reason for not wanting to drive up here? I don't have any reason to be upset with her if I feel the same way, right?

 

blech, I can't stand inlaw stuff.

[Jean in Newcastle]

What's getting me is that I can't come up with a truly valid reason to not drive and see her other than that I don't want to. That would make me a hypocrite, wouldn't it? Since that is probably her reason for not wanting to drive up here? I don't have any reason to be upset with her if I feel the same way, right?

 

 

I give you permission to not feel guilty for not driving to see your SIL. And I give you permission to stop feeling upset with SIL. And I give you permission to tell your MIL firmly that both you and SIL will see each other another time when it is at both of your convenience - not your MIL's.

[Liz CA]

I give you permission to not feel guilty for not driving to see your SIL. And I give you permission to stop feeling upset with SIL. And I give you permission to tell your MIL firmly that both you and SIL will see each other another time when it is at both of your convenience - not your MIL's.

 

Exactly! You have no reason whatsoever to feel guilty. Their approval is not vital to your life. What is the worst that could happen? As long as you stay nice and welcome them, you have nothing to feel guilty about IMHO. If they want to be offended they will surely get over it in time. Your dh is asking you not to go, so don't go - you could even mention that he asked you not to go because it's just not a good time right now...or whatever.

[EarleneW]

Absolutely do not feel guilty. A "I'm sorry, maybe we can get together next time" would be my response. NO WAY would I drive there.

[Rosie_0801]

"I don't want to" is a perfectly good reason not to do stuff, unless not doing it is illegal, like not paying your bills. "I don't want to go out of my way for someone who wouldn't go out of their way for me" is also a good reason not to do stuff. "I am busy already" is a good reason not to do stuff. "I'd rather stay home and clean the toilet" is also a good reason, but probably shouldn't be voiced. If an annoying person is annoyed at you because you won't go oblige their annoying request, it sort of cancels it all out.

 

If you have "guilt ridden doormat" written on your forehead, it's time to wash it off. Guilt is for when you do something wrong. It is not for when someone blows up at you for not doing something they wanted when that thing was unreasonable. The appropriate emotion in that situation is irritation.

 

Practise makes perfect. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll get good at it.

 

;)

Rosie

[WTMCassandra]

If you have "guilt ridden doormat" written on your forehead, it's time to wash it off. Guilt is for when you do something wrong. It is not for when someone blows up at you for not doing something they wanted when that thing was unreasonable. The appropriate emotion in that situation is irritation.

 

 

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

 

Wow, isn't that the truth! I sure learned that one the hard way, being hard-wired for guilt and all. :tongue_smilie:

 

I agree with everything that everyone has said. No guilt!

 

It's perfectly OK for you to not go simply because the relationship is "uneven" in this way. The more you let it be "uneven," the more SIL is encouraged to be selfish. So you're actually doing her a moral good by staying home! :001_smile::glare:

 

Stay home and be happy! :D

[Catwoman]

I agree with everyone else. Why would you feel even remotely guilty about saying no? Clearly, your sil has no qualms whatsoever about being inconsiderate of you, and even your dh is telling you to say no, so I guess I don't see a problem here. You say no. End of story.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, as I don't mean to be; I just hate to see you feeling badly when you have no good reason for needing to please your sil. Shake yourself off and realize that you are every bit as important as she is, and ask yourself why you believe you are a bad person if you don't do what other people want you to do... and then see that it's time to develop an attitude that lets people know that you deserve respect and consideration, and that you're not going to feel guilty for doing what's right for you and your immediate family.

 

And if your in-laws have a problem with that, it's their problem, not yours. If they really want to see you, they can visit you at your convenience, and if you want to return the favor the next time around, you can do that... or not. And you can still feel good about yourself.

 

Remember -- your feelings matter! :grouphug:

 

Cat

[Mom0012]

The right thing to do would be for me to go to Alb. But I don't want to. I don't want to be the one to drive 3 hours round trip, to load the kids into the van again. I feel angry and need to know if there is anyone else who would say, "Bummer, maybe next time."

 

So why is this the right thing to do? It sounds like your SIL has no problem setting boundaries. I don't see why you shouldn't as well. You just made a long trip and if you are not up for further travel right now, postpone your visit. I don't see anything wrong with that.

 

Lisa

Edited June 17, 2009 by LisaTheresa

[Snickerdoodle]

Hon, am I correct in reading that you have 8 kids?

 

How can you even have any time for complicated family drama when you have 8 kids? (says the mother who is often overwhelmed with her 2 kids)

 

I would just say, "Sorry, I'm a bit busy this weekend"

[Mrs. Frankweiler]

I've been there....and taken many, many trips only because of guilt. I'm the only one of my family who moved away from home, and that's because dh is a Marine. Up until this past November, we were never less than 9 hours away from home. Yet, guess who made the majority of trips back to visit the family (several times on my own without dh?) The main excuses were always "It's easier for you to come see all of us than for us to visit just you," or "Your kids are used to traveling and they are better in the car." (How do you think they got so used to traveling?) If I ever complained about the uneven amount of travel, I was accused of being selfish. So if I wanted our kids to know their cousins and grandparents, then the onus was on me. Now we live a mere 3 hours away and I thought things would be a little different. I was wrong. Since November, we've gone back home 9 times. Now I get heavy guilt from mom because we've missed so many other events in the past, and since we're so close it would be a shame to miss them now. I just came back from our last (guilt-induced) trip on Saturday, and the whole time I resented having to be there, which pretty much ruined the trip and just made me grumpy. You're own trip may end up like this.

 

My kids have also seen the unfairness of the situation, and have made many comments like, "How come we always have to go to Florida and they never come to see us?" On this last trip, they were even saying, "Mom, when can we go back home?" Either my resentment is spilling over to them (causing me MORE guilt, because I do want them to enjoy their cousins) or they're just tired of being stuck in the car.

 

I agree with the others, if you let yourself be walked on, than people will walk on you. And I say that as a person with footprints on her own forehead who needs to grow a backbone. I have decided that I will not visit again for a long while, but they are more than welcome to come see me. And it will be hard, because we have many birthdays coming up. Maybe you and I should do it as a team? Come on...on behalf of all the guilt-induced traveling moms.....DON'T GO!

 

(Let us know how it all turns out! If we all see that you came out alive it will only be more inspiration for the rest of us!) ;)

[RoughCollie]

I see no reason for you to feel guilty. Maybe you do now, but after you decline, I bet you will feel relieved, not guilty, when the sky doesn't fall in because of this.

 

If anyone tries to make you feel guilty, tell them to stop. It takes one word: "Stop." Repeat it if they don't, without the embellishment of excuses or reasons. The broken record technique works very well -- I've had a lot of experience with it.

 

Stand up for yourself!

[Brigitte]

I used to be in the exact same situation. We would drive 10+ hours to my mil/fil and then the expectation would be that we drive up to my sil's (1.5 hours away). We had little kids and they had big kids. Finally one time we said we just weren't up to the extra drive and did not see them that trip. Ever since, they have been willing to make the drive down at least 50% of the time.

 

No need to feel guilty on your part. Why should you feel guilty about having the same feeling she is having and she feels no guilt? Don't go and be happy that you stuck up for yourself.

[lynn]

I would just tell her right out "sorry, it won't work this time but if you are welcome to come here" We use to be the ones running around visiting everyone while no one else made efforts in return. We put an end to that years ago and have no regrets.

Edited June 17, 2009 by lynn

[Tammyla]

:iagree: No, is a good reason all by its self.

 

 

"I don't want to" is a perfectly good reason not to do stuff, unless not doing it is illegal, like not paying your bills. "I don't want to go out of my way for someone who wouldn't go out of their way for me" is also a good reason not to do stuff. "I am busy already" is a good reason not to do stuff. "I'd rather stay home and clean the toilet" is also a good reason, but probably shouldn't be voiced. If an annoying person is annoyed at you because you won't go oblige their annoying request, it sort of cancels it all out.

 

If you have "guilt ridden doormat" written on your forehead, it's time to wash it off. Guilt is for when you do something wrong. It is not for when someone blows up at you for not doing something they wanted when that thing was unreasonable. The appropriate emotion in that situation is irritation.

 

Practise makes perfect. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll get good at it.

 

;)

Rosie

[LaxMom]

...If an annoying person is annoyed at you because you won't go oblige their annoying request, it sort of cancels it all out.

 

If you have "guilt ridden doormat" written on your forehead, it's time to wash it off. Guilt is for when you do something wrong. It is not for when someone blows up at you for not doing something they wanted when that thing was unreasonable. The appropriate emotion in that situation is irritation.

 

:iagree: Why on earth would anyone feel obligated to pack up their kids and visit people on demand? I simply refuse to allow people who don't live in my house to dictate the details of my life to me. The "I'm far too busy to bother, but you clearly have nothing else on your plate" attitude strays way into the area of rudeness for my taste. I honestly can't think of a situation (other than some condition making it nearly impossible for one party to leave their house - like they're on a respirator in the living room) where this would be ok.

"Bummer, maybe next time" sounds like the nicest of all possible replies.

[Danestress]

and you shouldn't be offended. I would definitely write the, "bummer, maybe next time" email and assume that SIL is happy with that. MIL might not be, but she will get over it.

[MelanieM]

You might want to explore why your SIL's response is upsetting to you. Is it because you don't like that she won't come to visit you? Do you feel resentful that she is able to do the very thing you would like to do but feel you can't? (i.e. say no.) Her email sounds perfectly reasonable, in that she is explaining to you that she doesn't want to drive there and giving you all the options that would work for her. Perhaps you should take a page from her book and do the same. And if that means you don't see each other this time, then so be it! But don't be irritated with her because she is doing what you want to do. Look at it as a gift, and thank her for showing you that it is perfectly ok to decline!

 

Perhaps this is your opportunity to grow your relationship with your SIL - and yourself! - to a whole new, healthier, level. :)

[Marylou]

:iagree: No, is a good reason all by its self.

 

"No" is a complete sentence.

 

"No, thank, you" sounds nicer and works wonders, too, but is not necessary.

 

Be sure to add in your email, "I miss you and can't wait until we can see each other again!" How could she be upset about that????

[3lilreds in NC]

We get a lot of this, too. My brother and dh's brother are quite willing for us to see them if we come to them when we drive from NC to MI, but they are not willing to make any kind of an effort to see us other than that.

 

I have come to the conclusion that it's not worth it to me to drive all over creation to see people who don't care if they see me, or not. You have to do what's best for you. SIL and MIL will get over it. I promise. I spent years and years trying to make people just like you're describing happy, and it just doesn't work. You should go see your SIL when YOU want to see her. She's showing you that she doesn't place the same priority on seeing you - so you have no reason to feel guilty about not bending over backward to see her.

[ConnieB]

If your SIL isn't obligated to visit you, why would you be obligated to see her? Release the guilt.

 

In fact, take a page from her email. Next time they request to see you, if you're simply not available, say so. If they're offended, the problem is theirs. Perhaps your not being available every single time will also encourage them to come to you. If not, that too is their choice.

 

Perhaps consider it this way......it's 20 years in the future....you are now the Grandmother. Would you demand/expect your children to do what you're doing now?? Of course not. You hope that you'll be the type of Grandmother that makes them want to come and see you often (kinda like the adopted grandma you DO want to see).

 

Other people do NOT make us become "doormats".....we ALLOW ourselves to feel that way. It's your fault you feel that way (said with a loving hug)....and so it needs to be your actions to stop feeling that way. Release the guilt (mantra).

 

Enjoy your time in Santa Fe with adopted Grandma! Those are the kinds of days you need more of.

[JFSinIL]

My in-laws, sil and cousins, bil all live about an hour away from us (but clustered close to each other). To them it is nothing for us to drive to see them...but it is sooo FAR AWAY for them to come see us. It has always been this way, even back when my in-laws were far more spry than they are now. Now they do have creaking old age on their side, so the drive is a bit much for them...but 10, 15 years ago when I was having to tote twin toddlers and two babies around, with all the diaper bags, etc. - gosh would it have killed them to drive to US!!!!????

[Loupelou]

"I don't want to" is a perfectly good reason not to do stuff, unless not doing it is illegal, like not paying your bills. "I don't want to go out of my way for someone who wouldn't go out of their way for me" is also a good reason not to do stuff. "I am busy already" is a good reason not to do stuff. "I'd rather stay home and clean the toilet" is also a good reason, but probably shouldn't be voiced. If an annoying person is annoyed at you because you won't go oblige their annoying request, it sort of cancels it all out.

 

If you have "guilt ridden doormat" written on your forehead, it's time to wash it off. Guilt is for when you do something wrong. It is not for when someone blows up at you for not doing something they wanted when that thing was unreasonable. The appropriate emotion in that situation is irritation.

 

Practise makes perfect. The sooner you start, the sooner you'll get good at it.

 

;)

Rosie

 

:iagree: Totally. Very well written Rosie!

 

I really don't understand why you think it's the "right" thing to do. There are a lot of reasons why we use guilt as a motivator. Maybe it's time to find yours!:D

[PinkInTheBlue]

When we lived 9 hours from family and came to visit we made it very clear to everyone that we would be in this home and would more than welcome their visit. After a trip like that they can come see you. I can't imagine why you would feel obligated to do something like that. :) I agree with so many others. Just a "I guess it will have to be next time" response is more than just appropriate. Have a great trip and great time!

[Carol in Cal.]

"I would love to see you, but this weekend I'm still catching up from our long trip to Arizona (12 hours each way! With 8 kids, who sometimes seem like 100, LOL!). If you'd like to stop by, I can promise you a welcome mat and a nice time, but I need to pass on doing any more driving trips myself until I recover. Hope you can make it! Saturday afternoon would work great for us! And if not, I'm sure that we will figure out something real soon!"

 

I think it's important to be clear, but also to be cheerful, warm, and, for want of a better word, unsulky. (Not that you're sulking, but this kind of letter can often sound that way--"You're not doing what I want, so I just won't do what YOU want--so THERE!")

 

As far as the guilt, you know, you are not doing anything wrong here, so there is nothing to feel guilty about. But you still do, and the best antidote for that, IMO, is to think about what you would really like to do that day, given the choice to have a free day at home. Lay out a one day staycation for you and your family! Those are among the days that people remember for the rest of their lives.

 

There is nothing like having a good life to distract you from those who would like to have your life on their terms.

[BakersDozen]

Wow, did I need these replies/insights! I wrote the "Bummer, maybe next time" email last night (It was very warm/loving and not in any way negative) because I knew if I didn't do it then I would chicken out. As for my guilt, well, it's just who I am. I want to please everyone, to do the right thing, to not cause waves. My inlaws are so horrid (sil included) that I want to do anything I can to not give them a reason to slam me. I felt bad for not going down there because my sil is getting ready to go on a trip, yet that wasn't given as a reason in her email for not wanting to come up here so that shouldn't be a consideration for me.

 

I may need prayers because my mil is exactly like the mil on "Everybody Loves Raymond" with a lot of Cruella DeVil thrown in. No exaggeration. Should make for a lovely time of dodging verbal barbs when I do go up there in July. Backbone...must grow a backbone.

[jujsky]

I would say, "Bummer. Maybe next time," and wouldn't feel guilty in the slightest. If you're in a sticky IL situation, you really need to set boundaries and stick with them. I speak from experience!!!!!! If you set those boundaries and are very clear about them, you really can have a fairly pleasant relationship with your ILs.

 

I think maybe you need to talk to SIL and tell her while you love seeing her and the dc, the 3 hour round-trips are taking a toll on the family. Ask her if maybe you guys can alternate, and she can take your MIL with her when it's her turn to visit you.

 

I'm sorry about the grandchildren favoritism you're dealing with. We don't have that, but I do have a difficult MIL, and I've had a lot of ups and downs with her.

[BakersDozen]

And so it begins... Got an email from sil accusing me of treating her like an afterthought, of not being willing to drive 2 hours each way to see them. Here's my response:

We will be in Los Alamos through the 5th or 6th, it all depends on when our friend leaves. After that we'll head to CO, then to AZ. Depending on when you come through on your way home from CO maybe we could meet even if it is in Espanola for a bit - give your kids a chance to get out and stretch their legs. I'm sorry plans weren't made in advance but please know that it wasn't just you. I didn't make any plans with anyone, in fact I didn't even tell people (except for your mom) that we were coming just so I could get here, get settled and see how things went. Turns out it was a good thing to do since our first week was a bust thanks to illness; had I made any plans they would have all been cancelled. So no, you are not at all an afterthought - please do not feel that way! We have in the past tried to include you in our plans even if it was for a quick dinner at a hotel or driving down there from CO when you were unable to make it up to your parents' house. There are a few people in Alb. I would like to see yet this trip we've decided to stay put and if people are able to come see us, great, otherwise maybe the next time we can do the running around thing. Even in Los Alamos we are meeting people at the park just 2 minutes from my mom's house rather than drive to White Rock in the morning, North Mesa at noon, and downtown in the evening. Gets a bit exhausting!

We're off to Bandelier. Hopefully no one falls off of a ladder or anything. :)

Karen

 

This is going to get ugly, I just know it.

[Catwoman]

LuvnMySvn, you have to stop making excuses. You said no. No means no, and you're not obligated to please this woman.

 

I admire you for sticking to your guns, but I think you're being far too concerned about what your in-laws will think of you and are trying too hard to make excuses and to get their approval, because I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but...

 

You will never, ever please these people, no matter what you do.

 

Ever.

 

EVER.

 

So stop trying. Live your own life, and if they fit conveniently into it, that's great. If not, tough cookies. Let them go out of their way to see you.

 

It seems pretty clear that your dh is on board with your saying no, and that he realizes that his family is a pain, so why are you trying so hard to be a much-loved part of that family? Your dh and your kids are your family; if your in-laws cared about being a part of that family, they would be cordial, gracious, and welcoming toward you. It seems to me that all they want to do is boss you around and show you that they are in charge, they are better than you, and you'd better do whatever they say or they'll bad-mouth you to the entire family.

 

Is this really the kind of people you want to waste time trying to please?

 

You seem like such a sweet person, but it sounds like your in-laws are the kind of folks that will take advantage of you every single time, so you're right... it's time to grow a backbone.

 

Because no matter what you do, you're still going to come up short in their eyes, and they're still going to talk about you behind your back.

 

It's unfortunate that you weren't blessed with nice in-laws who would appreciate your kind heart, but you've already put years of effort into trying to make these people love you, and it's pretty clear that it's not going to happen, so for the sake of your own sanity, try to stop worrying about what they think, because it honestly doesn't matter.

 

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

 

Cat

[Jayne J]

I agree with everyone else. Why would you feel even remotely guilty about saying no? Clearly, your sil has no qualms whatsoever about being inconsiderate of you, and even your dh is telling you to say no, so I guess I don't see a problem here. You say no. End of story.

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, as I don't mean to be; I just hate to see you feeling badly when you have no good reason for needing to please your sil. Shake yourself off and realize that you are every bit as important as she is, and ask yourself why you believe you are a bad person if you don't do what other people want you to do... and then see that it's time to develop an attitude that lets people know that you deserve respect and consideration, and that you're not going to feel guilty for doing what's right for you and your immediate family.

 

And if your in-laws have a problem with that, it's their problem, not yours. If they really want to see you, they can visit you at your convenience, and if you want to return the favor the next time around, you can do that... or not. And you can still feel good about yourself.

 

Remember -- your feelings matter! :grouphug:

 

Cat

 

 

Amen!!:iagree:

[WTMCassandra]

And so it begins... Got an email from sil accusing me of treating her like an afterthought . .

 

This is going to get ugly, I just know it.

 

Sigh. My stomach sank when I read this.

 

Congratulations, it's official. You are dealing with a boundary-challenged person. Of course, my diagnosis is free. :D

 

Her treatment of you is outrage that you are not allowing her to boss you around this time. Would YOU dream of saying what she said to HER the many times she has refused to drive to YOUR house? No, of course not. Her reaction to you is no better than a tantrum. You have let her take advantage of you for years, so there's no way you're going to protest without her pitching a fit.

 

However.

 

This will not get better. She will punish you whenever you cross her. So it might as well be now instead of later! With a large family, you need to do what is best for you and your children. Shoot, you even have the support of your husband! That's awesome--take advantage of it. You are entitled to a life and not to be at her beck and call.

 

I highly recommend that you not explain to her anymore. Explaining is simply blood in the water to these boundary-challenged types (an invitation to attack you more). So are attempts to placate and reassure.

 

It's time for broken record and bean dip. Rinse. Repeat.

 

I'm sorry you're having to go through this. But you deserve a life.

[Snickerdoodle]

Just say,

 

 

Sorry, we are not going to meet up in during this go-around. Our plans are just so tight this trip. See you next time! Luvs and kisses, luvmysvn family

 

 

 

DO NOT OVEREXPLAIN.

 

DO NOT OVEREXPLAIN.

 

DO NOT OVEREXPLAIN.

 

DO NOT OVEREXPLAIN.

[Denisemomof4]

My dh is very firm that I should not go see her because he is sick to death of his family pulling stuff like this. He can't respond to them, though, because he would lose his temper and that is an ugly thing when it comes to his mom/sister. So for the sake of any relationship I have to respond. I actually just got off the phone with him and he said I do not need to feel guilty, just tell her I can't make it. What he can't do is to actually convince me I shouldn't feel guilty. What's getting me is that I can't come up with a truly valid reason to not drive and see her other than that I don't want to. That would make me a hypocrite, wouldn't it? Since that is probably her reason for not wanting to drive up here? I don't have any reason to be upset with her if I feel the same way, right?

 

blech, I can't stand inlaw stuff.

 

well there ya go. Hubby doesn't want you to go, don't go. It's more important you honor him than give into guilt, a FALSE feeling, and be pressured in to be the one travelling to go see them.

 

In the future, I'd make sure the travelling for gatherings be evenly split. If it's not, I would NOT think twice about not being the one to do it all. My sister and her family live 2 hours away and for now, with mom living here, she's done all the driving. Once mom's gone, we will have to split. Neither of us should be the ones to do all the driving.

[Blue Hen]

The right thing to do would be for me to go to Alb. But I don't want to. I don't want to be the one to drive 3 hours round trip, to load the kids into the van again. I feel angry and need to know if there is anyone else who would say, "Bummer, maybe next time."

 

??The right thing to do????? I don't think so!!!

 

You don't want to do it. Do not do it! The street runs both ways and frankly I would not stop in to see her again until she finds the road to your home.

 

Carole

[kaylk in tx]

you are in new mexico, los alamos? (btw i have cousins there!) visiting your inlaws and you actually live in colorado?

 

you just got back from a trip to arizona (12 hour drive round trip)

 

you and your kids are still exhausted and she wants you to load 8 kids (including an infant) up in a van and drive to see her.

 

meanwhile, she has 1, 2, 3? kids and cannot load them up to drive the same distance.

 

and no one sees how unbalanced this is??? other than you and your dh?

 

my response would not just be no, but H*LL NO.

 

1.5 hours shouldn't be a problem for her to drive... i live in houston and we do that pretty regularly just to see cousins on the other side of town.

 

and her comment about being an afterthought.... d*mn right she's an afterthought. i give my thoughts to people who are as considerate of me as i am of them.

[amyco]

I've read this entire thread and your SIL's last email and I'm a bit confused. Maybe because I can entirely relate to traveling a long way and wanting to see a ton of people in various towns (in Albq and Los Alamos, btw, where our families are!). It's just hard, and when someone you want to see lives kind of close to where you are going to be staying, you want to see them.

 

Honestly, I didn't read your SIL's second email as ugly at all, or bossy, or manipulative, or anything (unless I am those things myself--gulp). To me it just sounds like they would like to see you, but they also want to see a bunch of other people and maybe you aren't their number one priority. It sounds to me like she's trying to make it work by offering another option.

 

That said, I agree that you are under no obligation to go out of your way to drive any distance to see them...I've been to Espanola, and I doubt you'll get any kind of quality visit just stopping to stretch your legs! ;) (No offense to Espanola or its residents!) If it were me, I'd thank her for the offer but just tell her again it's not going to work for you this time. No guilt! It's not like they are travelling just to see you, they are planning on seeing a lot of people.

[MelanieM]

Please don't apologize for what is an entirely reasonable decision on your part. She can be upset if she wants to be, but if you apologize to her for that then you are in effect saying you agree with her that you're doing something wrong.

 

I would simply state that no, she isn't an afterthought, but that you just aren't up for more driving right now. Again, she's welcome to come to you if it suits her. If not, perhaps next time. Short, sweet, polite, and firm.

 

I would also say that when you learn to feel a deep comfort in making these decisions for yourself and your family, then your ILs will stop giving you grief for them. People only try to beat you down like that when they sense you're going to allow it. So let go of the guilt, and be ok with doing what works for you. As you act from a place of confidence, it will improve. <hugs>

[MelanieM]

Honestly, I didn't read your SIL's second email as ugly at all, or bossy, or manipulative, or anything (unless I am those things myself--gulp). To me it just sounds like they would like to see you, but they also want to see a bunch of other people and maybe you aren't their number one priority. It sounds to me like she's trying to make it work by offering another option.

 

 

The second email was the OP's response to her SIL, not a note from the SIL. The OP is the one doing the traveling. :)

[amyco]

The second email was the OP's response to her SIL, not a note from the SIL. The OP is the one doing the traveling. :)

 

 

No wonder I am confused!! :confused: I thought it was the other way 'round. Nevermind me, then!

[adams101]

Just FYI, we were in our hometown a couple of weeks ago to see my sil and dc who were in town to see the family. We stayed with my parents. We don't have a good relationship with my inlaws. We were at my Mom's house for 3 days, and never once even called his parents. They live 20 min. away. We did stop and see his grandmother on the way out. I'm sure we are in the dog house, but I really don't care anymore. I can't make them happy, no matter what I do. I've stopped trying. I have to do what is best for my family, and not worry about them.

[Impish]

I agree with not explaining. Explaining gives them something to argue with. A simple, "I'm sorry, it won't work." gives nothing to work with.

 

I have to be honest though...I'd leave this in dh's lap, regardless of his temper. His family, let them fight it out.

[MelanieM]

I have to be honest though...I'd leave this in dh's lap, regardless of his temper. His family, let them fight it out.

 

 

I see this idea about it being the husband's family so he should work it out often, and I'm curious about the thought behind this. If part of the concern expressed is that ILs don't treat the spouse the same as they would members of the birth family (which I often see as part of the complaint being raised) then how does this idea help matters? In other words, if the concern is that treatment isn't the same because you're the spouse, how does behaving as if it isn't your issue because you're the spouse help with that?

 

That question is not specifically directed at you, Impish! You just happen to be the most recent poster to say this, so it was easy to quote. :)

[ConnieB]

And so it begins... Got an email from sil accusing me of treating her like an afterthought, of not being willing to drive 2 hours each way to see them. Here's my response:

We will be in Los Alamos through the 5th or 6th, it all depends on when our friend leaves. After that we'll head to CO, then to AZ. Depending on when you come through on your way home from CO maybe we could meet even if it is in Espanola for a bit - give your kids a chance to get out and stretch their legs. I'm sorry plans weren't made in advance but please know that it wasn't just you. I didn't make any plans with anyone, in fact I didn't even tell people (except for your mom) that we were coming just so I could get here, get settled and see how things went. Turns out it was a good thing to do since our first week was a bust thanks to illness; had I made any plans they would have all been cancelled. So no, you are not at all an afterthought - please do not feel that way! We have in the past tried to include you in our plans even if it was for a quick dinner at a hotel or driving down there from CO when you were unable to make it up to your parents' house. There are a few people in Alb. I would like to see yet this trip we've decided to stay put and if people are able to come see us, great, otherwise maybe the next time we can do the running around thing. Even in Los Alamos we are meeting people at the park just 2 minutes from my mom's house rather than drive to White Rock in the morning, North Mesa at noon, and downtown in the evening. Gets a bit exhausting!

We're off to Bandelier. Hopefully no one falls off of a ladder or anything. :)

Karen

 

This is going to get ugly, I just know it.

 

My guess is that she knew that such a statement would raise the guilt level in you. Yeah to you for being diplomatic....me, I'd have phrased it more like, hey, you know those freeways work two ways.....you and your SMALL family could come here and visit with my LARGE family anytime you'd like. She knows that she can press your buttons and that eventually you'll come to her, so why should she bother with the packing, driving, putting her home life on hold while she's gone, living in someone else's home....when instead she can make you feel guilty enough that YOU do all that work and come to her.

 

Yep...grow that backbone! :grouphug: And in the meantime if you've got a moment or two for a book......read Toxic Inlaws. Yours don't sound like they're the worst in the Hive, but they definitely are not a healthy relationship for you or your family. While the book's premise is that toxic inlaws can cause a wedge in a marriage, and it sounds like that isn't the case since your husband wants nothing to do with his mom/sis......it's still a very good read about people who manipulate your life and pretty much how to make boundaries. I think it would be quite easily adaptable to your situation.

 

Good luck.

[Mommyof4ks]

:grouphug: I am in the don't feel guilty and just say you have plans with your family this weekend camp. There is no reason you should have to respond how high when your ILs say jump. It is wise for you DH to know that he would respond in a way that is less than attractive and that you are willing to take this on in order for the situation to end a bit more peacefully.

 

If your ILs take the news of you not coming badly at least they won't call and bug you for a while :D. Bad way to think, yes, but peace and quiet is nice too.

 

Enjoy your weekend with your adopted grandmother! She will only be 70 once and teaching your kids to follow through on promises is very important!

[Sasharowan]

When we travel the 900+ miles to IL to see his mom, his siblings are expected to drive to where we are. Their drives range from 5-300+ miles and yet they do it when we come up. It makes for some fun and crazy reunions since it it only every 3 yrs.

[Impish]

I see this idea about it being the husband's family so he should work it out often, and I'm curious about the thought behind this. If part of the concern expressed is that ILs don't treat the spouse the same as they would members of the birth family (which I often see as part of the complaint being raised) then how does this idea help matters? In other words, if the concern is that treatment isn't the same because you're the spouse, how does behaving as if it isn't your issue because you're the spouse help with that?

 

That question is not specifically directed at you, Impish! You just happen to be the most recent poster to say this, so it was easy to quote. :)

The poster has a difficult time with confrontation, and dealing with this. That's why I say to let her husband deal with his family. I do believe that with many, many families, they respect their brother/sister far more than the SIL/BIL. Not only that, but there does come a time when its perfectly fine to turn to your spouse and say, "Sweetie, I just can't handle this one anymore, I'm burnt out and stressed out. Can you take a turn?"

[Rosie_0801]

Sorry, we are not going to meet up in during this go-around. Our plans are just so tight this trip. See you next time! Luvs and kisses, luvmysvn family

 

DO NOT OVEREXPLAIN.

 

DO NOT OVEREXPLAIN.

 

DO NOT OVEREXPLAIN.

 

DO NOT OVEREXPLAIN.

 

:iagree: DO NOT OVEREXPLAIN!

 

 

As for my guilt, well, it's just who I am. I want to please everyone, to do the right thing, to not cause waves. My inlaws are so horrid (sil included) that I want to do anything I can to not give them a reason to slam me.

 

You are fighting a losing battle with them, so don't bother. And while Mrs Guilt Trip might be you now, I don't believe it needs to be you forever. When I was a kid I was so shy I used to hide in the cupboard at Brownies so no one could talk to me. I assure you I have not done that in years! If you choose not to work on this character issue, that's your business, but you do have a choice. Issues like this are very hard to work on, and will take a long time to get good at, but your husband will support you with it and you'll get better each time. Anyway, pox on 'em! They live too far away to come and slash your tires, and you can unplug the phone.

 

I may need prayers because my mil is exactly like the mil on "Everybody Loves Raymond" with a lot of Cruella DeVil thrown in. No exaggeration. Should make for a lovely time of dodging verbal barbs when I do go up there in July. Backbone...must grow a backbone.

You do not need prayers, you need a table tennis racquet and a good backhand. You will not dodge the verbal barbs, you will smile sweetly and say "Darling! Be charming or I'll pack the kids back in the car and go right home. Who knows when I'll be able to persuade them to come and visit you again. I'd do my best of course, but it could be years!" If she does it again, put your best piercing look on and say "That was your last chance, Ducky." If she does it again, pack up the kids, hit the freeway and stop for large ice-cream sundaes at the first place you come across. You may dissolve into a blubbering mess, (I would!) but not until you have left and they can't see! If your kids want to know why you are leaving you say, even if MIL can hear, "You know the mother in law off 'Everyone loves Raymond?' Well your grandmother is acting like a mixture of her and Cruella de Ville, and I'm bored of putting up with it. We're going home." Your in laws won't like that, but the only person you need permission off is your hubby and by the sounds of it, you've already got that. If not, you have that best piercing look you just practised on his mother, so you can use that on him too. Then buy him a big ice cream sundae on the way home.

 

Go on! I dare ya!

;)

Rosie

Edited June 18, 2009 by Rosie_0801

[shusband]

When we haul our booties from Virginia to Dallas to see my in-laws, there are about 10 families (relatives and friends) we would love to see while we're there. We absolutely can't hop from house to house. So, we tell everyone when we'll be at the in-laws and which days we are available to receive visitors. I figure if we haul it all the way to Texas, then everyone else can work around us. I think that's completely fair when you've already made a long trip.

 

Summer