What would you do - timing of performance / birthday / travel

[SKL]

Not an emergency, but I need to decide what I think about this.

 

I have 2 girls, ages 10 & 9.  The 10yo is on a gymnastics performance team that has about 5 performances a year, one of which is scheduled on the 9yo's birthday.  The 9yo is a little jealous that the 10yo was selected for the team and 9yo isn't that good.

 

9yo's birthday falls around the end of winter school break, and we are often traveling on that date.  9yo has had birthdays at Disney World, on a cruise ship, at Kalahari.  Meanwhile the 10yo's birthday is in October, so she usually has to go to school and do most of the fun stuff on the following weekend.

 

The team practices a show for months, and I'm concerned that if we say we aren't coming to the January show, it won't look good and my kid will be treated differently, maybe even written out of other shows.  Maybe I'm wrong to worry about that.

 

My friends think we should skip the show in favor of being in some fabulous place on 9yo's birthday.  I don't know.  Maybe it makes sense to skip it since we'll be traveling and missing practices the 2 weeks before.  But, I don't feel it's unfair to 9yo if we plan to be in town so 10yo can do a show on 9yo's birthday.  The show will be local and will only take up 1-2 hours including travel time.  Seems to me 9yo can suck it up.

 

What do you think?

[Lady Marmalade]

When we commit to something like your performance team, that commitment comes first, barring a family disaster or emergency.  For us, it's dance, and if a dance something falls on a birthday, oh well.  Our commitment comes first and we will meet that obligation first.

 

Have you already planned for the vacation?  If you have put money down on deposits or hotel rooms or something, then I would have a conversation with the person in charge of the team and see if there is any flexibility.  If you have not made the vacation plans yet, you should try and work them around the performance date.

 

I wouldn't consider the jealousy/hurt feelings at all in this matter.  It's all about honoring your commitment that you made to the team when you agreed your daughter could join it.

[EKS]

If your 10yo has already committed to the team, she needs to be at all of the performances, and she needs to be at the practices leading up to the performances.  At least that is how it would work in my family.  

[wapiti]

I agree with you, don't skip the show.

[SKL]

Hmm, I wouldn't have thought they would plan a show for early January, knowing so many people travel over winter break.  I don't see us canceling our travel plans so we don't miss any practices.  But I can see shortening them some.  It's only Hawaii this year.

[bolt.]

I think you seriously HELP the 9yo suck it up. When you expect a mature response from a person who is not yet mature, they need to be walked through that process, supported and affirmed.

 

First: evaluate, "Woukd I be thinking seriously about withdrawing the 10yo from this performance if it wasn't anyone's birthday?" -- If you would be, go ahead and think that through: but don't consider the birthday issue in that particular analysis. If you would normally proceed with this performance, then proceed.

 

Next, brainstorm a wide variety of things you can do (1) possibilities to make the birthdate special in spite of having other things on the schedule that day, and (2) possibilities to "reschedule" the birthday celebration aspects to another date.

 

Then have a heart-to-heart convo with DD9 that communicates with warmth that you are taking her birthday seriously, and that you are really sorry that there's a family scheduling conflict. Tell a story about your own birthday that once needed rescheduling (preferably with a happy ending). Have your family calendar visually with you. Point at the date and sympathetically show that there are two events on it. Assure her that you have lots of ideas.

 

Do *not* say her sister's name (any more than strictly nessisary). Talk about 'dance' as little as possible... Just say 'schedule problem' and 'other event', Do *not* talk about 'trying to be fair'. (It won't make sense to her.)

 

Start a discussion of *since* we will be in xyz town, and very busy from time A to time B with that other event: here are some of my ideas. Do you like them? Do you have ideas of your own?

 

If she has some unreasonable ideas, it's ok to accept those (during brainstorming) as good for thought. Don't commit to any firm plans. Thank her for being so understanding, and say that you know she has disappointment or mixed-feelings too: and that's ok. Tell her that you will get back to her with some solid plans soon.

 

Give her extra warmth, comfort, affection and attention both before and after this talk. (To make sure her 'tank is full' to process this difficult thing really well.

 

I know that seems like making a mountain out of a molehill: but to kids these things are mountains. If we want to turn their mountains into 'teachable moments' for emotional maturity, we need to engage directly with the *perceived* severity of the problem and the emotional intensity that is actually (childishly) likely.

 

If it turns out that she doesn't over react and wonders why you are taking it so seriously: that doesn't mean she didn't need the walk thru. It means that the walk thru was successful: so successful that she barely noticed. That's how she will become a pro!

[Wilma]

I think you seriously HELP the 9yo suck it up. When you expect a mature response from a person who is not yet mature, they need to be walked through that process, supported and affirmed.

 

First: evaluate, "Woukd I be thinking seriously about withdrawing the 10yo from this performance if it wasn't anyone's birthday?" -- If you would be, go ahead and think that through: but don't consider the birthday issue in that particular analysis. If you would normally proceed with this performance, then proceed.

 

Next, brainstorm a wide variety of things you can do (1) possibilities to make the birthdate special in spite of having other things on the schedule that day, and (2) possibilities to "reschedule" the birthday celebration aspects to another date.

 

Then have a heart-to-heart convo with DD9 that communicates with warmth that you are taking her birthday seriously, and that you are really sorry that there's a family scheduling conflict. Tell a story about your own birthday that once needed rescheduling (preferably with a happy ending). Have your family calendar visually with you. Point at the date and sympathetically show that there are two events on it. Assure her that you have lots of ideas.

 

Do *not* say her sister's name (any more than strictly nessisary). Talk about 'dance' as little as possible... Just say 'schedule problem' and 'other event', Do *not* talk about 'trying to be fair'. (It won't make sense to her.)

 

Start a discussion of *since* we will be in xyz town, and very busy from time A to time B with that other event: here are some of my ideas. Do you like them? Do you have ideas of your own?

 

If she has some unreasonable ideas, it's ok to accept those (during brainstorming) as good for thought. Don't commit to any firm plans. Thank her for being so understanding, and say that you know she has disappointment or mixed-feelings too: and that's ok. Tell her that you will get back to her with some solid plans soon.

 

Give her extra warmth, comfort, affection and attention both before and after this talk. (To make sure her 'tank is full' to process this difficult thing really well.

 

I know that seems like making a mountain out of a molehill: but to kids these things are mountains. If we want to turn their mountains into 'teachable moments' for emotional maturity, we need to engage directly with the *perceived* severity of the problem and the emotional intensity that is actually (childishly) likely.

 

If it turns out that she doesn't over react and wonders why you are taking it so seriously: that doesn't mean she didn't need the walk thru. It means that the walk thru was successful: so successful that she barely noticed. That's how she will become a pro!

This is all so wise and good!

 

Sent from my XT1094 using Tapatalk

[linders]

Am I the only one that thinks 9yo is being a bit self-centered? It is wonderful that she has had some truly fantastic birthdays. Most kids will never be able to say they were at Disneyworld/a cruise/etc. on their bday. Your 10yo can't say that. My DC get cake and balloons with the family, and friends invited for notable (e.g., 13th) birthdays.

 

It sounds to me like the "special event on your birthday" has become an expectation rather than a treat. I would focus on that rather than the conflict with her sister's event.

[Wheres Toto]

How does the coaches feel about missing practice for two weeks before the show?  Do they take off any time over the winter break? Most places would close for at least the time between Christmas and New Years.   I'm just curious, it's not really relevant to the rest of your question.  Dd had the chance to go to Mardi Gras with us when she was a junior or senior in high school.  It meant missing a week of practice right before her first dance competition of the year.  Since for us it was a pretty special trip and we hardly ever went on vacations like that, we told the studio and went.  They had already been practicing routines for 5-6 months by that point and she did fine (except her duet, she kind of flubbed that one). 

 

As for the birthday situation - I would have the 9 year old suck it up.  It sounds like she's had some amazing birthdays in the past and there's no reason why this one can't be more low-key since there's something important going on for her sister.

[SKL]

I'm glad to see that my feeling is similar to how other moms would feel.

 

FTR it's more my friends than my 9yo who are pushing to skip the performance.  Like what a horrible mom I am if I put my kid through that for the other kid.

 

I think I will start managing expectations.  Maybe I will first ask the coach about the winter break practice situation.

[regentrude]

Team commitment trumps other stuff. I do not see a sibling birthday as a reason to miss a performance.

OTOH, sibling performance does not mean birthday girl needs to spend her birthday sitting at a  gym unless that is something she enjoys. Send the kid who has the performance to perform, do something else with the birthday kid.

[bolt.]

If she says, "That's not fair." -- Say, "That's true, and I know it's hard for you. That's why I'm trying to make it not so bad, even though it's still unfair."

 

If she tries to make it about her sister try to both honour her perspective and redirect it, like, "I know it's your sister's even that landed on your birthday, but, I've had (35) birthdays and so has your dad. Schedule problems have happened to both of us: and it's not always a sister problem. Sometimes it's a wedding, or a work thing. One woman I know had her own baby on her own birthday! People don't get to pick these things. I'm sure if your sister could have picked the date, I know she would have chosen a different date. The instructor picks the dates, and they can't be changed."

 

If nessisary say the instructor's name a lot, if it becomes clear that your DD 'needs to be mad at someone'. It's a small thing to be 'blamed for' (its not a normal expectation that people should consider sibling birthdays when choosing dates) and very minor. It's an acceptable short-term coping mechanism in a child.

[73349]

For nearly all of us, there is going to be something happening on our birthdays every year that is not for us. Work, school, events... I think you can help 9yo get used to the idea, and your friends are being unhelpful and unrealistic, as they would probably realize as they thought about their own birthdays.

[bolt.]

Am I the only one that thinks 9yo is being a bit self-centered? It is wonderful that she has had some truly fantastic birthdays. Most kids will never be able to say they were at Disneyworld/a cruise/etc. on their bday. Your 10yo can't say that. My DC get cake and balloons with the family, and friends invited for notable (e.g., 13th) birthdays.

 

It sounds to me like the "special event on your birthday" has become an expectation rather than a treat. I would focus on that rather than the conflict with her sister's event.

No, you aren't the only one who thinks the 9yo is being self-centred ((or that it's most likely that she will be self-centred).

 

However, you might be the only one who thinks of it as unusual or unacceptable for 9yos to be self-centred and require parenting towards other possible responses. That parenting task is among the *top* parenting responsibilities for that age group. Every child needs it. Every parent does it. It's as normal as teaching babies to walk and toddlers to talk.

 

(*The preceding statements assume neurotypical, non-disabled children. I do know that not "every child" learns to walk or talk, nor do all of them ever move to a non-self-oriented perspective of the world. I don't mean "every child" in that way. I'm trying to talk about average development: hopefully in a non-offensive way.)

[happypamama]

I'd tell the 9yo to suck it up, and I'd help her to do so. Find something else cool to do after the performance. She's had some amazing birthdays. It'll be okay to have a more low key one this time.

 

I got to celebrate my 18th birthday by taking an exam in my night college class. Not especially exciting. My DH got to celebrate his 25th by filling out a police report for the vehicle that had been stolen the day before, and his 26th by sitting in the sun at my brother's college graduation. We lived. You make the best of less than fantastic days, and they help you appreciate the really spectacular ones. Help your 9yo to view it that way.

 

(I also agree that if your 10yo is committed to the team, she's committed.)

[Garga]

I think you seriously HELP the 9yo suck it up. When you expect a mature response from a person who is not yet mature, they need to be walked through that process, supported and affirmed.

First: evaluate, "Woukd I be thinking seriously about withdrawing the 10yo from this performance if it wasn't anyone's birthday?" -- If you would be, go ahead and think that through: but don't consider the birthday issue in that particular analysis. If you would normally proceed with this performance, then proceed.

Next, brainstorm a wide variety of things you can do (1) possibilities to make the birthdate special in spite of having other things on the schedule that day, and (2) possibilities to "reschedule" the birthday celebration aspects to another date.

Then have a heart-to-heart convo with DD9 that communicates with warmth that you are taking her birthday seriously, and that you are really sorry that there's a family scheduling conflict. Tell a story about your own birthday that once needed rescheduling (preferably with a happy ending). Have your family calendar visually with you. Point at the date and sympathetically show that there are two events on it. Assure her that you have lots of ideas.

Do *not* say her sister's name (any more than strictly nessisary). Talk about 'dance' as little as possible... Just say 'schedule problem' and 'other event', Do *not* talk about 'trying to be fair'. (It won't make sense to her.)

Start a discussion of *since* we will be in xyz town, and very busy from time A to time B with that other event: here are some of my ideas. Do you like them? Do you have ideas of your own?

If she has some unreasonable ideas, it's ok to accept those (during brainstorming) as good for thought. Don't commit to any firm plans. Thank her for being so understanding, and say that you know she has disappointment or mixed-feelings too: and that's ok. Tell her that you will get back to her with some solid plans soon.

Give her extra warmth, comfort, affection and attention both before and after this talk. (To make sure her 'tank is full' to process this difficult thing really well.

I know that seems like making a mountain out of a molehill: but to kids these things are mountains. If we want to turn their mountains into 'teachable moments' for emotional maturity, we need to engage directly with the *perceived* severity of the problem and the emotional intensity that is actually (childishly) likely.

If it turns out that she doesn't over react and wonders why you are taking it so seriously: that doesn't mean she didn't need the walk thru. It means that the walk thru was successful: so successful that she barely noticed. That's how she will become a pro!

 

The above is how I'd handle it. Lots of gentleness and redirection.

 

Am I the only one that thinks 9yo is being a bit self-centered? It is wonderful that she has had some truly fantastic birthdays. Most kids will never be able to say they were at Disneyworld/a cruise/etc. on their bday. Your 10yo can't say that. My DC get cake and balloons with the family, and friends invited for notable (e.g., 13th) birthdays.

 

It sounds to me like the "special event on your birthday" has become an expectation rather than a treat. I would focus on that rather than the conflict with her sister's event.

Yes, she's self-centered. Yes, it's an expectation. But it's not her fault. The family culture is one where birthdays are Big Deal and you know that something spectacular will happen. Just because it doesn't happen for everyone, doesn't make it wrong or unexpected for this little girl. Having huge birthday celebrations is just how this family rolls. They've hit a bump in the road this time, however. Expecting the little girl to just get over it won't happen without walking her through the process. She has no idea that the way her family celebrates isn't the norm for everyone. It will be a bit of a shock to her that her birthday will have to be shuffled around because her sister has a performance. It'll sting because the sister's performance will rub her nose in the fact that she was overlooked.

 

She's 9. She'll need help. With Bolt's suggestions, she'll learn how to get over this gracefully.

 

(For the 2nd quote I posted, it's not really directed just at that poster. The sentiment was what I was addressing--that she should get over it, but it's not really her fault that she's being self-centered.)

Edited October 26, 2016 by Garga

[SKL]

To the comments about self-centeredness - I do think the kid has unusual expectations because she happened to be in awesome places on her birthday.  These weren't usually "for her birthday," but we happen to like to travel and her birthday falls at that time of year.  We try to make it a special day within the travels.

 

But she is not a rotten kid, and she truly loves her sister.  I used the word "jealous" above, because I couldn't think of a better term.  She feels sad that she can't do this activity with her sister, but she isn't hateful about it.  That said, I can't help feeling that making part of her birthday about her sister's talent is sort of "rubbing it in."  I had thought about having someone else take her somewhere, but then I thought that would be even worse.  I guess I could give her a choice - come with us or break up the group during that part of the day.

[bolt.]

Choices are good.

[FriedClams]

I'll agree with all the moms on redirect the 9 year old, do something fun when you can, and go to the performance.

 

I'll also add that as your kids get older the whole "big deal on your actual birthday" gets harder and harder. I think it would be good planning to start adjusting expectations now. Have conversations. Now it's a dance issue - just wait until it's that, friends, youth group, homework, business travel, and ten other things when they're 15 and 16. I'm not saying no fun and nothing special, but this is likely your new norm.

[catz]

No way would I skip the show if you've allowed your child comitted to a team like that and you had those dates well ahead of time.

 

My kids get to celebrate their birthdays ON their birthdays some years and they get to wait other years.  We didn't even have a party or do much special for DD last summer because we had a really full month the month of her birthday.  She still got gifts, we let her pick a dinner spot.  Not every birthday can or should be Disney, fireworks, and over the the top.  Birthdays are fun and worthy of celebration.  But life doesn't need to come to a screeching halt every year either. 

[J-rap]

I would celebrate the birthday on a different day.  I mean, go ahead and have a little cake that evening, but if you're going to do a big splurge, just do it at a different time.

 

I think it's a good life lesson for her to learn too.  There will be many times in her life that her birthday is not on a holiday or on an easy day to celebrate.  That's life.

 

I have a relative who is 35 years old and still believes her birthday is #1, always.  When it fell on Thanksgiving one year, she cancelled Thanksgiving at her MIL's because she was not going to be the center of attention.  I don't mean to say that your dd is on that path!  But I think it's fine to celebrate birthdays when it works out easily for everyone, even if it's the next month or later in the year.

[KungFuPanda]

I'm in the suck it up camp. Celebrate the birthday on a different day. It's fine. Life doesn't stop for a birthday. My daughter was once IN a wedding on her birthday. She got her own cake at the reception. You can celebrate without needing the entire 24-hours on THAT day to do it. 9-year-old will be fine.

[mamiof5]

I think you seriously HELP the 9yo suck it up. When you expect a mature response from a person who is not yet mature, they need to be walked through that process, supported and affirmed.

 

First: evaluate, "Woukd I be thinking seriously about withdrawing the 10yo from this performance if it wasn't anyone's birthday?" -- If you would be, go ahead and think that through: but don't consider the birthday issue in that particular analysis. If you would normally proceed with this performance, then proceed.

 

Next, brainstorm a wide variety of things you can do (1) possibilities to make the birthdate special in spite of having other things on the schedule that day, and (2) possibilities to "reschedule" the birthday celebration aspects to another date.

 

Then have a heart-to-heart convo with DD9 that communicates with warmth that you are taking her birthday seriously, and that you are really sorry that there's a family scheduling conflict. Tell a story about your own birthday that once needed rescheduling (preferably with a happy ending). Have your family calendar visually with you. Point at the date and sympathetically show that there are two events on it. Assure her that you have lots of ideas.

 

Do *not* say her sister's name (any more than strictly nessisary). Talk about 'dance' as little as possible... Just say 'schedule problem' and 'other event', Do *not* talk about 'trying to be fair'. (It won't make sense to her.)

 

Start a discussion of *since* we will be in xyz town, and very busy from time A to time B with that other event: here are some of my ideas. Do you like them? Do you have ideas of your own?

 

If she has some unreasonable ideas, it's ok to accept those (during brainstorming) as good for thought. Don't commit to any firm plans. Thank her for being so understanding, and say that you know she has disappointment or mixed-feelings too: and that's ok. Tell her that you will get back to her with some solid plans soon.

 

Give her extra warmth, comfort, affection and attention both before and after this talk. (To make sure her 'tank is full' to process this difficult thing really well.

 

I know that seems like making a mountain out of a molehill: but to kids these things are mountains. If we want to turn their mountains into 'teachable moments' for emotional maturity, we need to engage directly with the *perceived* severity of the problem and the emotional intensity that is actually (childishly) likely.

 

If it turns out that she doesn't over react and wonders why you are taking it so seriously: that doesn't mean she didn't need the walk thru. It means that the walk thru was successful: so successful that she barely noticed. That's how she will become a pro!

This. Couldn't agree more or have said it any better.

[Storygirl]

When you have celebrated birthdays at home before for your other daughter, what usually happens? Did she get to have a party for her friends, or did you just go out to eat or celebrate with family? I would say to use THAT as your pattern for how to celebrate the 9 year old's birthday this year. So she doesn't get to travel. She can still do something else fun.

 

Since the gymnastics thing will only take a short part of the day, and since it is not a school day, you can plan something else around it and still celebrate on the actual birthday. If she doesn't want to go to her sister's event, could she go to play at a friend's house during that time? Or visit grandparents? Something that she would love to do but doesn't normally get to. Then pick her up and go out to eat or do whatever her birthday activity is. Maybe she could take her friend with her to the restaurant if she is not having a full-out party.

Edited October 26, 2016 by Storygirl

[Lady Marmalade]

Am I the only one that thinks 9yo is being a bit self-centered? It is wonderful that she has had some truly fantastic birthdays. Most kids will never be able to say they were at Disneyworld/a cruise/etc. on their bday. Your 10yo can't say that. My DC get cake and balloons with the family, and friends invited for notable (e.g., 13th) birthdays.

 

It sounds to me like the "special event on your birthday" has become an expectation rather than a treat. I would focus on that rather than the conflict with her sister's event.

 

Ha.  My DD spent her sweet sixteen at her great-grandfather's funeral.  

 

However, because we were out of town, we spent the time with family and THEN took the birthday girl out while we were there to do some celebrating. It was not a usual birthday at all for us, and months later I'm still feeling bad for her that this milestone birthday was not great.

[Xahm]

If you are going to be travelling near her b-day and she's used to celebrating while on vacation, then the first option I'd try is celebrating early. Ask her if she wants to continue the "tradition" of celebrating while travelling. If you talk it up and she chooses that, it may never be an issue that the performance conflicts with the actual day. If she'd rather celebrate at home, you've got plenty of suggestions above on how to help her accept that gracefully.

[kroe1]

Only a hurricane stopping on top of my house would prevent us from a show, especially a team event. Yes, the team will probably treat your daughter differently if you announce that you are not coming to an event. But, you owe it to the team to be honest especially if DD's absence causes choreography changes. Personally, I would figure out how to replan your vacation or make your vacation part of the gymnastics meet. Team sports requires big family sacrifices. Perhaps recreation sports would be a better fit?

[Rebel Yell]

My girls have birthdays that fall on or very near Mothers Day, Thanksgiving, or Christmas, Easter for me. It is rare that we have celebrated on their actual birthday, other than maybe having their favorite dinner or dessert on the actual day. Usually immediate family will give gifts, but if it is a hectic day we wait... one year SweetChild had a major show on BabyBaby's birthday and Diamond was working two jobs, day and evening. No way were we going to make everyone else cancel or squeeze in gifts and cake at midnight... BabyBaby knows we love her massively, and her preference was to enjoy her day later when we were all available.

 

So for us, we would have performance go on as usual, bring birthday girl unless she hates attending and is sick to death of them 🙄 and have her choose the restaurant for dinner. Then have a more fitting birthday celebration later.

[KungFuPanda]

I wanted to add that your tone will make a huge difference. I wouldn't be giving a 9-year-old a huge apology full of dramatic regret over ruining her day. You'll all be better off with a more matter-of-fact approach. "We're celebrating your birthday on x day this year and you can pick the restaurant after the show." Maybe have a sleepover the weekend before and let her open friend gifts, but save a present and breakfast outing for her birthday. I think the important thing is to make time to pay attention to her and acknowledge her birthday. The actual calendar date isn't a big deal.

[zoobie]

Do you mean you already have travel plans that were made before knowing about the show? Otherwise I'm in the suck it up camp, but I'd still try to make her day special somehow.

[SKL]

We did make travel plans before knowing the show dates, but we haven't nailed down the exact travel dates or bought tickets.  That said, we won't be staying in town the whole break just to avoid missing practice.  When I signed onto this, I didn't assume we were giving up our Christmas break.

 

Is it not odd to schedule something important at that time?  Wouldn't most teams have travel conflicts over the winter holidays?

Edited October 26, 2016 by SKL

[mommyoffive]

i think lots of teams and sports have things over winter break

[Selkie]

We did make travel plans before knowing the show dates, but we haven't nailed down the exact travel dates or bought tickets.  That said, we won't be staying in town the whole break just to avoid missing practice.  When I signed onto this, I didn't assume we were giving up our Christmas break.

 

Is it not odd to schedule something important at that time?  Wouldn't most teams have travel conflicts over the winter holidays?

In my experience with the teams our kids have been on, only Dec. 24 & 25 and Jan. 1 would be days off from practice or games.  A lot of basketball and club volleyball teams around here have tournaments between Christmas and New Year's.

[Wheres Toto]

Everything around here closes between Christmas and New Years.  It's possible that some travel team sports will hold practices but all the dance and gymnastics studios close, all the martial arts dojos are closed, the Y doesn't hold any classes, anything run through the schools is off.  
 

I would not expect practices for most things between Christmas and New Years.

[SKL]

Wow, some of your kids' sports are intense.  :)  My kids' gymnastics is at The Little Gym, which is specifically not supposed to be competitive or stressful.  ;)  They only do about one of these performances a month during the "school year."  There are 8 kids on the performance team (ages 6-12) and the dances use all 8 of them at a time, so if someone was missing, I guess one of the coaches would stand in at some points.

[linders]

We did make travel plans before knowing the show dates, but we haven't nailed down the exact travel dates or bought tickets.  That said, we won't be staying in town the whole break just to avoid missing practice.  When I signed onto this, I didn't assume we were giving up our Christmas break.

 

Is it not odd to schedule something important at that time?  Wouldn't most teams have travel conflicts over the winter holidays?

 

It was one of DS16's challenges with swimming. The coaches assumed that the higher level kids would not only practice over Christmas break, but do two-a-days many days, in preparation for the winter meets in mid-January. The only real breaks were one week spring break and August.

 

When we homeshcooled, we could work around it.  When the boys went to school and that was their only break, not so much.

[Jenny in Florida]

When we commit to something like your performance team, that commitment comes first, barring a family disaster or emergency.  For us, it's dance, and if a dance something falls on a birthday, oh well.  Our commitment comes first and we will meet that obligation first.

 

Yep, exactly.

 

My kids were/are both performers. My daughter's birthday is in mid-December, and for all the years my son danced at the pre-pro ballet school, it was pretty much a given that he would have Nutcracker on and around her birthday. His birthday is in the spring, and there were a good number of years in which she had a performance of one community theatre production or another on his, 

 

Neither of them took it personally. It was just life. They took their commitments seriously, and we expected them to do so if they expected us to invest in them.

[mamakelly]

My daughters birthday is December 28. She has spent her whole life rearranging her birthday because we were out of town, or had out of town guests or were on vacation. We always do our best to make it as special as possible, but the reality is she was born three days after Christmas and it sucks, LOL. She's a good sport about it, and we probably overcompensate in other ways ie: gifts etc.… I think her positive attitude about it is directly related to our positive attitude. I think you got some really good advice and previous posts and you need to just kindly tell your daughter to suck it up.

[Julie Smith]

I would have no trouble telling a kid that their birthday celebrations have to wait for a better time. But we have never made a big deal about birthdays. 

 

Next month Youngest turns 11, on a Wednesday. Wednesday night is the night Dh and I go out. I dance at a very local place. I take tap and am a assistant instructor for west coast swing. Dh will have Japanese class that night. The boys will be home alone with a neighbor next door if they need anything - like usual. (I can also be home in 5 minutes if they call, which they never do). I did offer to stay home and make the birthday night special. But Youngest has no trouble waiting for another night, as a matter of fact he doesn't seem to care at all. As it is, Wednesday night is a favorite night for Youngest. He gets to eat a dinner he likes whenever he and his brother feels like it - it is out on the table for them. They get to play with cardboard and duct-tape, and play computers. (They also have about ten minutes of chores, but not much.)

 

On Thursday we are going out for all you can eat sushi. 

[kroe1]

My kid has had shows even on Christmas Day several times. Nothing is sacred in this performance centered community. It is what it is. However, since the child's activities are how we define our family life, it is not too hard to adjust. These events are usually spent with friends and family because every family is centered around the activity, if that makes sense.

[Lady Marmalade]

Wow, some of your kids' sports are intense.  :)  My kids' gymnastics is at The Little Gym, which is specifically not supposed to be competitive or stressful.  ;)  They only do about one of these performances a month during the "school year."  There are 8 kids on the performance team (ages 6-12) and the dances use all 8 of them at a time, so if someone was missing, I guess one of the coaches would stand in at some points.

 

I am going to amend what I previously said.  I still think you should honor your commitment to the performance, BUT I don't think you should arrange your whole vacation around practices also.  If you can, great, but people miss practices and it's not really a big deal. 

[SKL]

I talked to the coach last night, to ask about the practices during Christmas break.  He says there will only be one practice, 2 days before the show.  He says that it will be the same show they are doing throughout the fall, so the kids will know it pretty well, and they will have an opportunity to run through it a few times just before the performance (it is at a location with an extra gym).  So he doesn't seem too concerned about whether we show up for practices before the day of the show.

 

I will try to schedule our return in time for the practice, but we'll see.

[skimomma]

Dd's main sport has very intense training during winter break.  We miss it every other year for travel.  She is not the only one.  Because it is not a performance, it does not hurt the team when dd has to miss it, but it is a blow for dd.  I would not agree to any activity that had required participation during the winter break as our travel is not optional.

[mommyoffive]

Yeah that is hard.  I think because you didn't know about it when you signed up for it.  

 

This is our first year on a team.  We have done classes that have shows.  I will try to be around for the things, but to me travel comes first.  If I had to pick the vacation would win for me.