when to refer to someone as "aunt/uncle"

[HappyLady]

My BIL divorced earlier this year and within a few months started dating someone new.  My kids (5 and 3) always referred to his ex as "Aunt Sue,"  She's no longer in the picture by her choice.  Well, my BIL and his girlfriend came over for Christmas and he kept referring to his new girlfriend of 8 months as "Aunt Tina."  I don't know that I want my kids referring to her as that because to me, "aunt" is reserved for a family member (by blood or marriage) or a very close friend of the family.  

 

What do you think?  Would you have your children referring to anyone just dating a brother/sister as aunt or uncle?  

[poppy]

I'd just go by the 'call adults what they want to be called' rule with kids who are that young.

[Loowit]

When my SIL started dating her boyfriend was just known by his first name.  Once they got engaged then the kids started to think more of him as an uncle, but it wasn't until after the wedding that he was really called uncle.  I think though that it is different in every family.  I personally would not be comfortable with calling someone "aunt" or "uncle" if they weren't married into the family or at least in a long term relationship. 

[Melinda S in TX]

Miss Tina until they tie the knot.

[poppy]

Miss Tina until they tie the knot.

 

Would you actively correct the uncle in front of your kids?

 

I also don't understand the "Miss" part - unless maybe you are in the South? I have never met anyone IRL aside from daycare employees who have kids call them "Miss Firstname".

[texasmama]

I'd just go by the 'call adults what they want to be called' rule with kids who are that young.

I agree.  I might not prefer it, but I would let this go.  If brother showed up with a different girlfriend a week and called them all "Aunt so and so" to the kids, I would address it as with brother, explaining that it was confusing.  But, at this point, unless these folks are an active and regular (weekly) part of your life, I'd let it go.

[Momofeat]

Miss Tina until they tie the knot.

This is what we do--and yes, we live in the south.  :-)

[*lifeoftheparty*]

Would you actively correct the uncle in front of your kids?

 

I also don't understand the "Miss" part - unless maybe you are in the South? I have never met anyone IRL aside from daycare employees who have kids call them "Miss Firstname".

This is what we do, and would do.

 

We are also from the south.

[Laurie4b]

Would you actively correct the uncle in front of your kids?

 

I also don't understand the "Miss" part - unless maybe you are in the South? I have never met anyone IRL aside from daycare employees who have kids call them "Miss Firstname".

 

In the South, it's standard!  You get called Miss Firstname even if you are a Mrs. ;)

[Laurie4b]

I think I'd have a private talk with my bil and ask if they could just call her Tina or Miss Tina until they are married and explain the confusion thing. It would bug me, too, and I'd be torn between not offending him and the issue of confusing my kids.

[swellmomma]

My kids do not call people aunt and uncle unless related.  SO when my sister and brother were engaged but not yet married to their spouses they were called by first name only.  When they married they earned that title of aunt and uncle the same way they earned the title of husband/wife.  If things didn't work out before they were married I didn't want my kids to be calling every boyfriend/girlfriend that came through the door as aunt/uncle.  That is a title reserved for a particular role in the family.  Until they are family they don't get the title.

[momto10blessings]

Would you actively correct the uncle in front of your kids?

 

I also don't understand the "Miss" part - unless maybe you are in the South? I have never met anyone IRL aside from daycare employees who have kids call them "Miss Firstname".

This is what I would do and actually have done. He can refer to her however he wants, but I would call her miss first name. When they get married she can be an auntie

[HS Mom in NC]

When my brother was dating his now wife, I explained to the kids that she was "Tracie" until they got married.  When they got married three years later, she was "Aunt Tracie."  I didn't want my kids adding what could be perceived as pressure to tie the knot. 

 

That conversation can be had at home between parents and children.  Just because a kid says, "Aunt" once or twice in front of the couple don't mean everyone is bound to it forever. If a parent has an issue with the adult sibling about what to call his/her girlfriend, that conversation can be had without the children around. 

 

Ultimately, the parents get to decide how their children address the adults around them.

[Melinda S in TX]

Would you actively correct the uncle in front of your kids?

 

I also don't understand the "Miss" part - unless maybe you are in the South? I have never met anyone IRL aside from daycare employees who have kids call them "Miss Firstname".

 

I would tell the uncle how I felt and what I wanted my children doing.  I would explain to my children what I wanted.  If after that, uncle still pressured my children to call her Aunt, I would assume he was slow and correct accordingly.  He says, "Come hug Aunt Tina", and I would say "Yes children, go hug Miss Tina."  Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

Everyone old enough to be my children's parents gets a title.  Depending on how formal the relationship is, Miss Firstname or Miss/Mrs Lastname.

 

Yes, we are in the South.

[Crimson Wife]

BIL just got engaged so I'm okay with my kids calling his fiancee "Aunt Brittany" at this point.

 

Where I'd have to think long and hard about is whether to call a long-term S.O. who has a child with my relative outside of marriage aunt/uncle/etc. My cousin and his wife had their son a few years before they made it legal. This was before my kids were born, but if it happened again I'm not sure what I'd do.

[Dory]

My kids have always called a new member either Mr/Miss, or by their first name until they are married and part of the family. I have spent the time explaining to my kids that they aren't aunt/uncle until they are part of the family. I was a little pushy with one girl and actually told her that I have been trying to teach the kids about family trees and connections and I would rather they call you (first name) or Miss (first name) for now. She was insulted but she got over it. She is and auntie now.

 

We only have one person in the kids life who isn't an aunt that they call Auntie and we allowed it because she is their Second cousin but is my age and is very much in their life. Since she's family, we let it go.

[HS Mom in NC]

I think it's weird to insist on Miss out of formality but then go with the first name.  Why not just go with convention and make it Miss with the last name if you're insisting on the convention of the Miss title to begin with?

[happypamama]

We didn't refer to my sister's fiance (who will be her DH in a couple of weeks) as "Uncle" until they were officially engaged.  They've been together for a little over two years but have only been engaged since the spring.  Before that, we just referred to him by his first name, or Mr. Firstname.  Now that they're engaged, I'm okay with calling him Uncle Firstname.

 

DH's father's only sibling passed away fifteen years ago and never met our children.  His wife, however, remarried a couple of years later, and when DH's whole extended family was still getting together for the holidays, she and her new husband were still included.  After all, my MIL and FIL were close to her, and she is still the grandmother to DH's cousins' children.  So even though the extended family is scattered and doesn't do the big family gatherings anymore, MIL still talks to her, and she still remembers each of our children at birthdays and Christmas (which is incredibly generous of her, since she hasn't even met the little ones, although I send her thank you notes and pictures a few times a year), and we still refer to them as Aunt Firstname and Uncle Lastname -- they are still filling the roles in our lives as aunt-uncle/great aunt-great uncle, even though they're not technically those things.  So I think it depends on the relationship, but I can see why, in the OP's position, she might not want her children to think of the new girlfriend as Aunt yet.

[Ann.without.an.e]

I think it's weird to insist on Miss out of formality but then go with the first name.  Why not just go with convention and make it Miss with the last name if you're insisting on the convention of the Miss title to begin with?

 

 

It is common in the south.  A way to refer to someone with respect (they are older) without the formality of the last name.  You don't have to understand it and you can think it is weird, but that is just how it is here.  I bet you do things where you live that we would call "weird".

[Word Nerd]

In our family, we wouldn't consider a person as an aunt or uncle until they were married. The kids don't really call their aunts and uncles "Aunt ___" or "Uncle ___," though; they just use first names when addressing them, so that wouldn't be an issue here. (We are not in the South, and I'm sure it would be considered rude in other families.)

[regentrude]

I think the adult should get to choose how he/she wants to be addressed by children. She should get to be called what she feels most comfortable with.

She may not like to be addressed as "Tina", may hate the whole "Miss" thing, and be uncomfortable with "Mrs Smith".

I definitely do not believe it is my place to choose how my children should address other adults.

 

ETA: When my children were younger, they did address BIL's girlfriend or female adult family friends as "aunt firstname", and male adult family friends as "uncle firstname".

[poppy]

I personally wouldn't dream of correcting an adult with what to call his girlfriend -- especially for the benefit of kids too young to tell the difference. I'm going to guess using that term was his way of indicating the relationship is serious, anyway. They may never "put a ring on it", but, treating her at arms length and making it very publicly clear that there is a distance between you is cold, IMO.

 

 

My BIL is not married to his.... the mother of his son....... is there a better term than "Babymama?"  Sometimes girlfriend, always the mother of his son. But she is a lovely person who comes to family gatherings, and is encouraging the cousin relationship. I tell my kids to call her Aunt.  She is the mother of their cousin, so, she's an Aunt.

 

As for Miss FirstName- I know it is standard/normal in the South, but it'd be odd anywhere else I think!

[Heather in Neverland]

I think it's weird to insist on Miss out of formality but then go with the first name. Why not just go with convention and make it Miss with the last name if you're insisting on the convention of the Miss title to begin with?

It's a southern thing. It's cultural. It's not "weird," it's just different from what you would do.

 

For instance, here you call anyone significantly older than you "auntie" and "uncle" even if you don't even know them! It's a cultural thing.

 

"It's not weird, it's just different" is the motto we teach our children and all the students at my school who are living cross-culturally with other kids from 28 different countries.

[stripe]

Would you actively correct the uncle in front of your kids?

 

I also don't understand the "Miss" part - unless maybe you are in the South? I have never met anyone IRL aside from daycare employees who have kids call them "Miss Firstname".

There's a nurse practitioner at my kids' pediatricians' office who calls herself "Miss (first name)." She doesn't have a southern accent, but I kind of wish nurses got the benefit of a title so I sympathize. ;) The rest of the nurses/NPs seem to just go by their first names. 

 

I had a doctor I met at a somewhat "crunchy" pediatricians' office, refer to himself as Dr (firstname), and that I dislike. For various reasons, I never returned there, but I never would have called him that. I have no idea why!

 

I don't mind being called by my first name with a Miss in front of it. In fact, I really wish I had no last name, so it's perfect!

 

My kids call all sorts of people aunt and uncle who aren't related, often just because they're older adults. It's a respect thing in many cultures, including my husband's, where random women on the street are often addressed as "mother." 

[Heather in Neverland]

I think the adult should get to choose how he/she wants to be addressed by children. She should get to be called what she feels most comfortable with.

She may not like to be addressed as "Tina", may hate the whole "Miss" thing, and be uncomfortable with "Mrs Smith".

I definitely do not believe it is my place to choose how my children should address other adults.

 

ETA: When my children were younger, they did address BIL's girlfriend or female adult family friends as "aunt firstname", and male adult family friends as "uncle firstname".

I have to disagree. Perhaps calling someone aunt this or that may not seem like a big deal but what if they asked for something bigger?

 

What if a new stepmother insisted on being called "mommy" but your children didn't want to do that because they feel they already have a mommy?

 

I think taking the child's comfort level into consideration is important.

[poppy]

I have to disagree. Perhaps calling someone aunt this or that may not seem like a big deal but what if they asked for something bigger?

 

What if a new stepmother insisted on being called "mommy" but your children didn't want to do that because they feel they already have a mommy?

 

I think taking the child's comfort level into consideration is important.

 

Well, of course. But the difference here for posters is the presence of a wedding ring, which matters to adults..... but not at all to preschoolers.  A serious long term relationship deserves some respect.  Not "put her in the oil painting of the family" respect, necessarily, but I wouldn't make an audible comment in the room about how she's not Aunt, but Miss.

[Melinda in VT]

In general, I'm a big proponent of calling people what they want to be called.

 

However. I'm not a fan of people claiming honorary family titles for themselves when they don't feel like family.

 

If the OP's BIL is living with this woman and she's in the picture for the long-term, I wouldn't object to the kids calling her Aunt. If they aren't engaged or living together, I'd explain to the BIL that I'd feel more comfortable with the kids not calling her Aunt yet, and figure out if she would prefer first name or Miss first name or something else.

[Crimson Wife]

A serious long term relationship deserves some respect.

The OP said that they had been together 8 mos. I wouldn't consider that a "serious long term relationship" unless they were formally engaged. Now if it were a girlfriend of several years, I can see a case being made for it being a serious long term relationship.

[poppy]

The OP said that they had been together 8 mos. I wouldn't consider that a "serious long term relationship" unless they were formally engaged. Now if it were a girlfriend of several years, I can see a case being made for it being a serious long term relationship.

 

I was assuming it's serious because he publicly asked that she be referred to as "Aunt". I don't think that's something most people would do lightly, especially with a romantic partner.

[Mrs Mungo]

Miss Firstname is very common in military circles, so I don't have an issue with that. Likewise, it is very common locally to call anyone older than you auntie/uncle. These things are largely cultural and vary by region and family.

 

These relationship issues can be very tricky. If the kids are comfortable calling her Aunt Tina, then I would leave it alone. Clearly, marriage is not a guarantee that she'll stick around, given that this is not his first wife? If the kids are very uncomfortable, then I would go with whatever they are comfortable with.

[Joker]

My dds only call those who are actually aunts or uncles by those titles. I really don't get the whole kids should call adults what they prefer thing. People who are not really close to us are not going to be called by their first names even if they tell my dds to do so. We don't call them out on it but dds will continue to say Mr./Mrs./Ms. It is now something my dds are uncomfortable doing since this is how they were raised, so I think their preferences matter as well. So, my dds may call my brother's girlfriend by her first name if the are close with her and she asks, but they wouldn't refer to her as an aunt.

[DragonFaerie]

It is common in the south.  A way to refer to someone with respect (they are older) without the formality of the last name.  You don't have to understand it and you can think it is weird, but that is just how it is here.  I bet you do things where you live that we would call "weird".

 

My basic rule of thumb is Mrs. Lastname for authority figures and adults we don't know well, and Miss Firstname for closer friends.  The children and youth minister at church has the children call her Miss Leigh, but once they move into the youth group (6th grade), they are considered "grown up" enough to just call her Leigh.  It's a very big deal to them.

 

I have to disagree. Perhaps calling someone aunt this or that may not seem like a big deal but what if they asked for something bigger?

 

What if a new stepmother insisted on being called "mommy" but your children didn't want to do that because they feel they already have a mommy?

 

I think taking the child's comfort level into consideration is important.

 

Funny story, when I was dating my ex, his son, who was two at the time, started calling me "Daddy S___."  So we were "Daddy" and "Daddy S____."  Finally, my ex's mother asked him if she could please at least teach the child to call me "Mommy S____."  :lol:   Even after we were married, I was Mommy S____ for a while.  Then I became Mom.  And now that he's 18 and has gotten to know his biological mother better (long story), and even though I am now divorced from his dad, he tells me I am his only Mom.  Sweet guy. :-)

[regentrude]

I have to disagree. Perhaps calling someone aunt this or that may not seem like a big deal but what if they asked for something bigger?

 

What if a new stepmother insisted on being called "mommy" but your children didn't want to do that because they feel they already have a mommy?

 

I think taking the child's comfort level into consideration is important.

 

I agree about the stepmother issue - but here the OP's issue did not seem to be the child's comfort level, but the child's parent's preference.

If the child was uncomfortable with "aunt" that would be a different issue.

 

[Mbelle]

What I have seen with someone close to us, is that they respected the wish to be called Aunt, only now there have been 3 people who have been called Aunt that were girlfriends or fiancee's.  Some of the younger nieces/nephews were very sad when it was explained that Aunt was no longer going to be around and here's the new one.  So, I would be very very hesitant.  What is this doing to the child's mind and their idea of relationship/family?

[Ellie]

I think it's weird to insist on Miss out of formality but then go with the first name.  Why not just go with convention and make it Miss with the last name if you're insisting on the convention of the Miss title to begin with?

 

In the South, the convention is Miss Firstname.

[73349]

Oh... it depends.

My grandmother, mother, and father are all living with significant others (and have been since before DS was born). My mom and her SO of 14 years have a child together.

My grandmother's SO is in theory called "Grandpa Hismiddlename" but she sometimes signs cards "Nana Firstname and Hismiddlename."

My mother's SO is "Grandpa Hisnickname." He's only 11 years older than I am.

But my dad's SO of perhaps 8 years is "Herfirstname" only. They are in New England, where "Miss Firstname" is Not Done, and she is a bit young for a Grandma-type nickname (but perhaps around the same age as Grandpa Hisnickname, come to think of it).

 

Likewise, among my friends with kids his age, DS calls them "Miss Firstname" (yes, we're in the South), but my BFF/honorary sister is "Aunt Firstname"and her husband is therefore "Uncle Hisname." Three of our other friends are just called by their first names--they're all middle/high school teachers who are called "Ms. Lastname" at work; at least one of them cringes at "Miss Firstname."

 

OP, if you think Aunt Tina is going to be around for a few years, I'd just go with it.

[Ellie]

 If the kids are very uncomfortable, then I would go with whatever they are comfortable with.

 

The OP's children are quite young. I doubt that they are either comfortable or uncomfortable with calling her "Aunt."

[Camelfeet]

I'd call her Aunt so as not to cause a scene or alienate your brother.  Either they will still be together in a year or two and getting married and the Aunt title will be appropriate or they will have broken up and your young kids won't remember her and it won't matter.  If they do break up, mention next time that you'd prefer not to call his partners "aunt" until the relationship is more formalized.  

 

My brother divorced his wife, and we still call her "Aunt firstname".  My kids also have a few extra grandparents due to remarriages - so my mother's husband's stepmother is still Gramma firstname despite being a great grandmother two marriages away.  So I think its as much about relationship and intentions as legal status...   

 

 

[Mrs Mungo]

The OP's children are quite young. I doubt that they are either comfortable or uncomfortable with calling her "Aunt."

I can't see people's sig lines when posting from my phone, so I answered generally. :)

[Parrothead]

Dd refers to my sibling's partner(s) by first name.

[Tita Gidge]

I'm from the tropics, and we call everyone Auntie or Uncle - it's a title based on age and social rank, not legal status.

 

Every time I hopped in a cab, I'd greet the driver with, "Uncle, please take me {here}." Every time I squeezed by an older woman in the grocery store, I'd say, "Pardon, Auntie."

 

It's just what we do.

 

Kinda like the suburban boys lately who keep calling each other Bro, despite no formal biological or legal tie. :laugh:

 

 

 

 

 

[TeacherZee]

My brothers girlfriend of several years is still only "first name" with the nieces. I am Aunt "Zee".

 

Some of my best friends live in the south. I'm Auntie "Zee" to their daughter. I am Miss "Zee" to her friends or just "Zee" I don't really care.

 

I would talk to brother but not say anything in front of the kids.

[Rebel Yell]

I'm not from the south...  but my kids would call an uncle's girlfriend/date "Miss Firstname" and, my 18yo adult DD might just call her "Firstname." 

 

The former wife will always be "Aunt Firstname" - a title for life as the mother of their cousins.

 

Aunt/Uncle would be reserved for actual aunts/uncles and their spouses. maybemaybe,aybe for very-long-term relationships that look like they'll go on for life but not likely result on marriage.

 

Also, veryvery close friends (godp[arents) and 1 set of cousins (my age) are referred to as Aunt/Uncle...  partly due to the close relationship, and partly due to the fact that DH & I have no siblings.

 

Also, "Miss Firstname" is commonly used here for dance teachers. LOL, even for young dance teacher's assistants and library story time assistants.  I think my two oldest were 13 when first addressed as "Miss Firstname" by tiny children. :thumbup1:

 

Funny story: I always called adults Mr/Mrs Lastname.  When my widowed mon (then age 52ish) began dating an older gentleman (age 70) I could NOT just call him "Firstname" but "Mr. Lastname" was too formal and unfriendly-feeling.  So I called him "Mr. Firstname" and it stuck- even my DH and girls always galled them "Grandma Firstname and Mr Firstname." :D

[Beth in OH]

"It's not weird, it's just different" is the motto we teach our children and all the students at my school who are living cross-culturally with other kids from 28 different countries.

Experiencing different cultures is so enriching!  I've come to the conclusion many times that I like another culture's way of handling some life issue or other and chosen to incorporate it into my own life.  Now I'm weird, too!

[poppy]

I'm not from the south...  but my kids would call an uncle's girlfriend/date "Miss Firstname" and, my 18yo adult DD might just call her "Firstname." 

 

The former wife will always be "Aunt Firstname" - a title for life as the mother of their cousins.

 

Aunt/Uncle would be reserved for actual aunts/uncles and their spouses. maybemaybe,aybe for very-long-term relationships that look like they'll go on for life but not likely result on marriage.

 

Also, veryvery close friends (godp[arents) and 1 set of cousins (my age) are referred to as Aunt/Uncle...  partly due to the close relationship, and partly due to the fact that DH & I have no siblings.

 

Also, "Miss Firstname" is commonly used here for dance teachers. LOL, even for young dance teacher's assistants and library story time assistants.  I think my two oldest were 13 when first addressed as "Miss Firstname" by tiny children. :thumbup1:

 

Funny story: I always called adults Mr/Mrs Lastname.  When my widowed mon (then age 52ish) began dating an older gentleman (age 70) I could NOT just call him "Firstname" but "Mr. Lastname" was too formal and unfriendly-feeling.  So I called him "Mr. Firstname" and it stuck- even my DH and girls always galled them "Grandma Firstname and Mr Firstname." :D

 

What part of the country are you from?  Just curious, I thought the Miss FirstName was purely a southern/military thing.

 

[Farrar]

While it does seem strange to me to have the kids call someone "aunt" or "uncle" when the relationship is that new, I also can't imagine making an issue of it with a sibling.  It would just feel petty.

 

My kids met sil's new dh when they were dating and called him his name.  Now they're supposed to call him "uncle" and it clearly hasn't stuck.  Oh well.

[BigMamaBird]

I would allow my kids to call her Aunt if they were engaged and a wedding date was imminent.  We reserve Aunt/Uncle only for people related by blood or marriage.  However, I have a mental block where my Aunt's ex will always be an Uncle to me since I grew up calling him Uncle.  I never refer to him as such in public, but in my head he's Uncle So-and-So.  I may have actually slipped and called him Uncle at my Grandpa's funeral.  Oops!

[Cammie]

Here all people older than you are "Aunty" or "Uncle."  Its great for those of us who are name challenged as it is easy to great all my elders on the road with "Good Morning Aunty!"  We also put the Aunty or Uncle at the end of the name so the person is Firstname Aunty or Firstname Uncle.  I like it...makes it feel like we are all family!

[ItoLina]

Here in Hawaii anyone who is your parents age is "aunty" or "uncle". Random kids on the playground will address me as aunty...my kids friends that come over to play call me aunty, so I would be fine with it. Then again, my kids have grown up with that custom, so for them it's just a term of respect for someone older than you.

[Rubix]

We use Miss as well.  It also could have been Mrs, but we didn't know (or ask) future SIL's last name until we got a wedding invite.  We're from the north :) 

 

Aunt = Married