What would be your reaction to this?

[DawnM]

I need some perspective.   I tend to get upset at this stuff and I know others don't react the way I do, so I need some perspective.

I have a work BFF.   She and I go to dinner every Friday after work.  It is a standing "date."   Of course there are times we can't meet, like when we go out of town or have something else going on, etc....

Her cousin is visiting this weekend.   Her cousin and I get along really well so we all planned to meet.   BFF has another close friend she sometimes gets together with, but she rarely comes out with us.   

Anyway, I get a text last night, "Hey, other friend and cousin and I are going out to X restaurant on Friday, meet us at 4pm!"

Um, that is OUR night and I wasn't consulted, and I don't get off work now until 4:30 and it is a good 30 min to that restaurant without traffic, Friday it could take 45-60 minutes!   I can't be there until 5 to 5:30.

Now, I will give her a little grace because I always used to get out at 2:30 on Fridays in the past, but now I have another school on Fridays and they get out much later.

I told her I couldn't make it at that time and she didn't offer to change the time or the location.   It was more of a, "Shoot, we will miss you" type of response.

Would you be upset or just shrug it off?   Is there a way for me to reframe this?

I am trying to tell myself that cousin and work. BFF and I can do coffee Saturday or something, and without other friend.   Other friend is ok, but it isn't the same.   She and I are not close at all.   

Anyway, any words of wisdom?   Be nice please.

Thanks.

 

ETA:   Everyone is saying that it must be ME who thinks we have this standing night and I must be misinterpreting.   That isn't the case.     SHE is the one who always says, "Fridays are OUR time" and she tells others no when they ask to do things on Fridays.   So this isn't ME imposing some arbitrary level of friendship that isn't there.   However, I will admit she can sometimes not think through things and then gets kind of "stuck."   And again, my schedule has indeed changed.  I have gotten off work at 2:15 for the past 4 years and she didn't know I got out so late, so I am hoping that is why she went ahead and made the plans thinking it wouldn't be an issue.  I just wish she would change them again so I could join.  

 

Edited August 27 by DawnM

[regentrude]

I'd be sad a bit disappointed if I had been looking forward to it, but would understand. If cousin is visiting from out of town, she'll want to arrange her schedule so that it suits the cousin. 

Just because you usually do something together doesn't mean she is obliged to "consult" you when she wants to make other plans - I'd expect that from my husband, but not a friend. She told you and invited you. I don't feel that having "dibs" on a weekly night is realistic.

 

[marbel]

I agree with Regentrude. But didn't you have a similar situation with this friend recently? Or am I mixing you up with someone else? 

[teachermom2834]

I also feel like there was some similar situation with this friend recently including another friend on these outings and making the location inconvenient?

Maybe this friend is finding the standing date a bit limiting and is trying out altering it from time to time to give herself a little freedom? I have no idea, of course, but maybe consider the fact that this lady loves you and wants to keep hanging out but is consulting her imaginary friends on a message board and saying that sometimes she would like to do something else. Or include someone else. Her imaginary friends are probably saying “that is fine! Just make your plans and invite her!”

 

[QueenCat]

I would expect with out-of-town company that things would be different. And that she might even just skip your weekly date. I would expect that she would ask her cousin what the cousin wanted to do. 

[HomeAgain]

"Oh, we'll just skip our meet up this week!.  I'm sure you want more time with your cousin 1 on 1! That time wouldn't work with my new schedule anyway. 🙂  I hope you guys have fun and I'll see you next Friday!"

ETA: I saw you already told her.  It would bother me how I was dismissed, and I might bring that up at a later date after I decided how I felt about the relationship.

Edited August 27 by HomeAgain

[TheReader]

It would bug me, mainly in that there wasn't a discussion. I'd have no problem had she said "hey, with my cousin coming in, I'm not sure I'll be able to keep our normal Friday, I'll keep you posted." and then said what she said, and that would be fine. It's the fact she took it on herself to make the plan and just let you know vs. checking w/you.  

In context of this being the 2nd time something like that's happened (that you've asked us about), I would wonder like someone else said, maybe she's starting to feel a bit of not wanting to *have* to do this every single Friday, but isn't sure how to start branching out, cutting back, etc., w/o hurting your feelings. 

I hope you both get it sorted and reach a new agreement that you both are happy with. 

[Hyacinth]

You called it a standing date. Does she see it that way? Maybe for her it’s more of a “thing we usually do” as opposed to a commitment. 

I’d feel disappointed and  hurt because I was looking forward to the get togethers and it’s not happening the way I envisioned (or at all). 
 

 

[catz]

Honestly, this wouldn’t really bother me more than momentarily.  Since she has company coming in, I would have considered myself second string already.  Don’t you work in education?  So is your new schedule changed this fall?   So I wouldn’t expect her to be retaining that info yet, especially with company visiting and that distraction.  She sent an inclusive invite, it did work this time.  Life is that way sometimes.

if you are getting a regular outing with a friend 50% of your weeks with a young child at home, you are doing better than many of us.  I’d consider that a blessing and roll with it when it happened not to work out.  

[Katy]

Since this is the second time this has happened I would respond that I was sad I’m not more important to her and you thought you had a closer friendship than that. 

[almondbutterandjelly]

You two probably need to renegotiate your Friday night dinner.  Sounds like it's not working for her anymore, and until you all communicate about it, you are going to feel resentful and hurt.

[Boymama5]

I can understand the hurt in the lack of wanting to change the plans to include you.  It’s hurtful when it appears others have all spoken to make plans and not consider if it would work for you as well and then just declare the plans.  
 

In this case I’d probably give a bit more grace considering the change in your time being new and she may not have remembered that as well as her cousin being there.  I also probably would have responded differently because maybe saying you couldn’t be there at that time wasn’t understood as I really want to still attend but with the new time I get out of school I just can’t make it there by then. Is there any way we can change things up so I can still join you. 
IMO if a friend said I can’t make it at that time I’d take it as they weren’t going to attend. 
If you really want to still go I’d probably contact her again and explain the problem. That you were looking forward to seeing her and the cousin. Your change in work schedule makes that too difficult. Ask if they’d be willing to change the time or location. I think that answer would also be telling going forward for you. 

Edited August 27 by Boymama5

[DawnM]

39 minutes ago, Hyacinth said:

You called it a standing date. Does she see it that way? Maybe for her it’s more of a “thing we usually do” as opposed to a commitment. 

I’d feel disappointed and  hurt because I was looking forward to the get togethers and it’s not happening the way I envisioned (or at all). 
 

 

Yeah, I should have added that since everyone is commenting on it.

SHE Is the one who makes comments like, "Friday is OUR time" and "You are the priority on Fridays!"    or "Heck yeah, we are on for every Friday!"

This isn't ME imposing some random "hey, this is our time and you have to do it MY way" type of deal.   Maybe I need to add this to my OP as people will miss it.

[DawnM]

21 minutes ago, Boymama5 said:

I can understand the hurt in the lack of wanting to change the plans to include you.  It’s hurtful when it appears others have all spoken to make plans and not consider if it would work for you as well and then just declare the plans.  
 

In this case I’d probably give a bit more grace considering the change in your time being new and she may not have remembered that as well as her cousin being there.  I also probably would have responded differently because maybe saying you couldn’t be there at that time wasn’t understood as I really want to still attend but with the new time I get out of school I just can’t make it there by then. Is there any way we can change things up so I can still join you. 
IMO if a friend said I can’t make it at that time I’d take it as they weren’t going to attend. 
If you really want to still go I’d probably contact her again and explain the problem. That you were looking forward to seeing her and the cousin. Your change in work schedule makes that too difficult. Ask if they’d be willing to change the time or location. I think that answer would also be telling going forward for you. 

YOu are probably right.   

[SKL]

With an out of town visitor and your change in availability, this would not bother me.  The fact that she included the other friend would not bother me either because, with cousin present, it wouldn’t be “the same” anyway.

If she keeps inviting her other friend regularly, though, I might say something like “I miss our one on one dinners we used to do on Friday nights.  Can we put some dates on the calendar?”

Edited August 27 by SKL

[Indigo Blue]

19 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Yeah, I should have added that since everyone is commenting on it.

SHE Is the one who makes comments like, "Friday is OUR time" and "You are the priority on Fridays!"    or "Heck yeah, we are on for every Friday!"

This isn't ME imposing some random "hey, this is our time and you have to do it MY way" type of deal.   Maybe I need to add this to my OP as people will miss it.

This changes things a bit for me. At first, I thought, yeah, out of town visitor, probably didn’t realize your new schedule, I should just not make too much of it. However, if she is always saying things like the above, then, suddenly, you feel like the odd one out, I can see how that could sting a little. 
 

 

[PeppermintPattie]

I had a friend who always wanted to get together for coffee and walks. I enjoyed it, but after a while, I realized that she enjoyed our outings, but she didn't exactly enjoy me - I wasn't as important to her as her having a social life, if that makes sense. I was easily interchanged with other people, just when I thought we were close, and she couldn't remember anything about my life that we had discussed previously. I pulled way back, which gave me more time to pursue friendships that were more real.

[wintermom]

Is 4pm a usual timing for previous meet ups, or do you normally check with each other each week?

[prairiewindmomma]

I’d encourage a flexible mindset, for you, with re: to these Friday nights as it appears she views them with flexibility. It seems she views them as the usual thing you do Fridays except when out of town guests or other things pop up (and then those people get priority). That’s totally an ok position to have. If you are also wanting a bit of Friday flexibility when out of town guests or whatever pop up, I’d feel free to take it. It’s unfortunate she planned for an earlier time and you felt you couldnt join the party later—but I suspect friend views this all as a non-issue whereas it’s a big one for you.

Edited August 27 by prairiewindmomma

[Danae]

Instead of all this emotional angst and attempted mind reading why not just ask for what you want?

“I have to work until 4 now, could we meet at 5:30 instead?”

 

 

[Clarita]

I would just shrug it off, but if it matters to you and upset you talk to your friend about it. Tell her how you feel and go from there.

[Bootsie]

Did you simply tell her that you can't make it at that time?  Or, was your response more, "I would like to get together with everyone, but I can't make it until 5:00 or 5;30ish--Would it be possible to move the time back a little?  Or, can I meet up with you a bit later?"  If you just said that you couldn't make it at that time, hoping that she would reschedule, she may be taking it as you would rather not meet with the cousin and other friend and she doesn't want to put in you in the spot of spelling that out (especially if she is not aware of your changed schedule.)

Regardless, I would frame it as her cousin is in town and it is an opportunity for her to get together with the cousin and another friend and be happy for her.  I would view it as a way of being supportive of a friend, her relationships, her family and her interests.  And, if it doesn't work for you to join, spend the evening doing something that you usually don't get the chance to do on a Friday.

[wintermom]

40 minutes ago, Danae said:

Instead of all this emotional angst and attempted mind reading why not just ask for what you want?

“I have to work until 4 now, could we meet at 5:30 instead?”

I would do this, or mention you would love to see wveryone, and if a little later time would work for everyone, then that would be great. Or perhaps meet up with them after work.

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, wintermom said:

Is 4pm a usual timing for previous meet ups, or do you normally check with each other each week?

4 or earlier.  I used to get out at 2:15 or so and so did she, so we would meet around 3 or 4 most days.   We have only gotten together at 5 or later a couple of times in the past few years.   Mostly it is late lunch/very early dinner.

[DawnM]

She texted me today and asked if I will be on this schedule long term or if there is a way to meet by 4 on Fridays.  

And I actually just got a call from my boss saying that I may be switching schools anyway, so maybe this will not be a problem all year.   I hope not, they have me going to a school that starts at 7am on Mondays and ending on Fridays with a school that gets out at 4:30pm.   

Last year I started the late start school on Mon and got out early Fridays, that is my strong preference.   But the high school (early start/early release) doesn't want me on Fridays now and they get to make the decision.....argh.  

But the school they are talking about moving me back to is the one I was at last year and they don't care if I come in early and leave early as long as I don't have anything going on in the afternoon, so that will be better!

[QueenCat]

6 hours ago, DawnM said:

Yeah, I should have added that since everyone is commenting on it.

SHE Is the one who makes comments like, "Friday is OUR time" and "You are the priority on Fridays!"    or "Heck yeah, we are on for every Friday!"

This isn't ME imposing some random "hey, this is our time and you have to do it MY way" type of deal.   Maybe I need to add this to my OP as people will miss it.

Still, with an out of town visitor, even standing dates would expect it to be different that week. 

[Bootsie]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

4 or earlier.  I used to get out at 2:15 or so and so did she, so we would meet around 3 or 4 most days.   We have only gotten together at 5 or later a couple of times in the past few years.   Mostly it is late lunch/very early dinner.

So, she is suggesting that you get together at the time that has been your "regular time" for the past few years?   Is it possible that she does not view Friday as "your night", but late Friday afternoon "your afternoon"?  Has your change in schedule made it where you have a priority that is taking precedence over what has historically been your time together?  Have you made that clear and asked if it works for her to change "your time" to a later time on a regular basis? 

[kbutton]

I do think this is a one off.

That said, I think if a weekly meeting is considered a done deal unless someone has something come up, it best for the person who had something come to either say, “I have to break plans” or “Does this work for you as a one-off?” In this case, rephrasing to something like, “My cousin is in town, so I can’t do our normal meet up. We’re going out though at such and such a time. If you are free, we’d love to include you” would be more clear and less demanding. The “meet us at x time” without finding out if that even works would bug me. Different wording might leave me disappointed I can’t make it, but understanding about the cousin being in town.

7 hours ago, almondbutterandjelly said:

You two probably need to renegotiate your Friday night dinner.  Sounds like it's not working for her anymore, and until you all communicate about it, you are going to feel resentful and hurt.

I think negotiating how to communicate would be good. She might want one on one time with her cousin some visits and to share on others. The important part is that people communicate clearly and that they don’t overstate what they mean or feel like no one can ever vary the routine. But deviations from the routine need to be phrased as either breaking plans “this time” or asking for them to be adjusted if you intend to still get together. Some version of “we always get together, but all the variations on when are a unilateral decision” is rude, IMO. That might not be what she is doing, but it could become so.

It’s not asking for permission to have your own life to inform the other person of what is up. It’s also not controlling or inflexible to take someone at their word. 

34 minutes ago, QueenCat said:

Still, with an out of town visitor, even standing dates would expect it to be different that week. 

I agree, but the one changing plans should be clear about whether the plan is negotiable or not. If it’s not negotiable, then that person should acknowledge that it’s the only time she can meet this week, or she would’ve asked in advance if it works for the other person.

5 hours ago, prairiewindmomma said:

I’d encourage a flexible mindset, for you, with re: to these Friday nights as it appears she views them with flexibility. It seems she views them as the usual thing you do Fridays except when out of town guests or other things pop up (and then those people get priority). That’s totally an ok position to have. If you are also wanting a bit of Friday flexibility when out of town guests or whatever pop up, I’d feel free to take it. It’s unfortunate she planned for an earlier time and you felt you couldnt join the party later—but I suspect friend views this all as a non-issue whereas it’s a big one for you.

While I think this is a nice way to view how the friend sees this, there is no reason that the friend can’t be more clear about whether she’s breaking plans and making news ones this time or suddenly going to be flaky or just flat out summoning Dawn vs. actually trying to make it work out.

Dawn is being flexible to the extent her schedule allows, but she can’t flex the right way with no discussion. If the friend broke plans and has no other times to offer, telling Dawn so is a kindness and acknowledges the expectations that she had set up for Dawn in the past. I think it’s reasonable to expect some level of self-awareness in communication.

If she’s suddenly wanting a lot more flex, there is nothing wrong with it as long as she’s giving a chance for Dawn to communicate what works too.

 

[annandatje]

10 hours ago, marbel said:

I agree with Regentrude. But didn't you have a similar situation with this friend recently? Or am I mixing you up with someone else? 

I thought I had read similar post by Dawn not long ago.  Wonder what advice she received then.

I would just shrug it off but keep it in mind if other issues arise that necessitate re-evaluation of relationships.

[DawnM]

4 minutes ago, annandatje said:

I thought I had read similar post by Dawn not long ago.  Wonder what advice she received then.

I would just shrug it off but keep it in mind if other issues arise that necessitate re-evaluation of relationships.

I haven't responded to this question because I honestly don't know if I asked something about this person or about someone else.   

[wintermom]

2 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I haven't responded to this question because I honestly don't know if I asked something about this person or about someone else.   

I also got a deja vu feeling about this post. Do you have several female friends that you meet up with who suddenly invite others and squeeze you out? 

Edited August 27 by wintermom

[DawnM]

1 minute ago, wintermom said:

I also got a deja vu feeling about this post. Do you have several female friends that you meet up with who suddenly invite others and squeeze you out? 

No, I just spent a few minutes and found the post.   It was about her.

I think she just doesn't really think, you know?   She is one of those who just does what she wants and doesn't think about asking first or thinking it through.

I really do like her and we are good friends, I just get frustrated sometimes and shake my head at the way she thinks about some things.   We are very much the same and yet very much different, if that makes sense.   For example, she is very into looks and make up and such and I don't give a lot of thought to that stuff.   She is also single, so that may be why she is more "I just do what I want and don't have to ask anyone else" in her thinking.   I don't know.   She has been married but her kids are grown and she hasn't had a husband in 20 years.

[KSera]

3 minutes ago, wintermom said:

I also got a deja vu feeling about this post. Do you have several female friends that you meet up with who suddenly invite others and squeeze you out? 

I’m so glad several other people are saying this as well because I was also trying to figure out who/where had posted almost the same scenario recently. I didn’t know if it was Deja vu or not. 

[DawnM]

Just now, KSera said:

I’m so glad several other people are saying this as well because I was also trying to figure out who/where had posted almost the same scenario recently. I didn’t know if it was Deja vu or not. 

It was indeed a similar situation and I had completely forgotten about it.   She wanted her other friend to come along but didn't really consult with me and made plans with her and then just invited me along.   (More like, "Hey, just talked to *friend* and we think X restaurant way on the other side of town is where we want to go" not really consulting me.).  I didn't go because I had a lot of things going on that day and couldn't go 45 min. out of town to meet up.