Has anyone here gone Teetotal for non-religious reasons

[Teaching3bears]

From ages 18-25 I would order a drink in some social situations and have a few sips.  I did not really like the taste, except pina coladas and champagne.   I noticed that these few sips would would  give me bad gastro symptoms and acne so I stopped drinking anything.  I avoid food cooked in wine because it also bothers me. I try to avoid using rubbing alcohol.  I used to love fruit juice.  Now I can’t drink it most of the time without having gastro symptoms.  I did not grow up with alcoholics and was never told to abstain for religious or other reasons.  

[Pawz4me]

1 hour ago, Ginevra said:

There is one I’m thinking of that comes up for Christmas. The host has a “signature drink”, so it will call for me to be super clear that I’m not choosing alcohol for this event. I’m truthfully a little bit nervous about that event because, in all likelihood, I will be the only one not having alcohol and everyone is likely to drink the signature drink. I have abstained from drinking with this group before but not for the Christmas event. 

I'm of the opinion that in almost all cases there's no need, no reason, and no benefit in offering reasons or excuses, but rather that it's best to just say "No, thanks. I'd like some water/tea/whatever tonight, please." Because . . none of their business, and a polite host or other guest would accept your choice and move on. But sometimes, with some people, I don't think a white lie is out of order. So go prepared to say something like "You know, it's really weird but in the last few weeks for some odd reason alcohol just isn't agreeing with me. It's been making my tummy very upset" (or giving me a horrific headache or something similarly unpleasant). I figure most people will accept that, and if they do continue to make an issue of it you've established a solid reason for not wanting alcohol and can continue to dig in on that. Definitely make any excuse about yourself, w/o bringing up any of the reasons that alcohol is unhealthy. That only makes people defensive.

Edited November 14, 2023 by Pawz4me

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Ginevra said:

I agree, but I wonder if this is still true when someone volunteers part of the story. Like if they say, “No thanks; I don’t drink. Haven’t had a drop of alcohol in the past twenty years!” I wonder if that is an invitation to ask more about their reasoning. I was recently in exactly this spot. 

I don't think it's an invitation to ask, but rather a statement to make it absolutely clear that they aren't going to be persuaded to have a drink.

In my experience, the non-drinkers who want to share more of their story are upfront (like severalrecoveringalcoholicswho are very open about their sobriety journey),  and those who don't want to say more don't hint.

[regentrude]

10 minutes ago, Pawz4me said:

 Definitely make any excuse about yourself, w/o bringing up any of the reasons that alcohol is unhealthy. That only makes people defensive.

And it's also really annoying, just like preachy vegetarians who tell the carnivores over dinner how unhealthy eating meat is. Yeah, don't go there. 

[marbel]

2 hours ago, Ginevra said:

I agree, but I wonder if this is still true when someone volunteers part of the story. Like if they say, “No thanks; I don’t drink. Haven’t had a drop of alcohol in the past twenty years!” I wonder if that is an invitation to ask more about their reasoning. I was recently in exactly this spot. 

In my experience, that is usually an invitation for follow-up questions. Some people have a story and they are eager to tell it. I'm usually not eager to hear it (unless it's someone I'm close to, but then I'd probably know the story) so just say something like "Aw, good for you!" and move on. 

I agree that when in the case of the party that's all about the drink, a white lie is the way to go. Same could be at a business function where the boss is pressing people to drink, as I experienced (though that may be something that doesn't happen anymore, my time of this was in the late 80s and things are very different culturally/socially now). 

ETA Actually, thinking more on this... it depends on the demeanor of the person making the statement. I've heard some people quietly say "no thanks, I'm sober 10 years now" and that ends it. But I've also heard people say, rather loudly, what is quoted above, and those are the people I'd say want followup questions. KWIM? 

Edited November 14, 2023 by marbel

[Wheres Toto]

I hardly ever drink but it's never been a big deal.  I've "explained" if I felt it was necessary with one of the following usually:  "I have no tolerance since my last two kids", "it gives me a headache", "it's bad with my allergy meds", "I have to work in the morning", "I'm driving"

[ktgrok]

14 hours ago, YaelAldrich said:

I find it so funny to relate religiousity to alcohol use.  Orthodox Jews use wine (or grape juice) to open (and sometimes close out) our Shabbat and holiday  meals.  We drink four cups of wine (or grape juice) at our Passover Seders, and a tiny sip at baby boy's circumcisions at eight days.   My very religious freinds have collections of expensive scotch and whiskeys from all over the world and several friends have sizeable wine collections and happily share their finds.  I drink more than I did when I was in college; still not a lot but I enjoy bourbon, sake, and some wines.

Right? The Episcopal church my sister was confirmed in has a champagne and chocolate party after the Easter vigil service every year. 

[ktgrok]

I have no official stance on alcohol, but it just sort of works out that I almost never drink. Mind you, i like the taste of many alcoholic drinks - a good cold beer, some wines, a whiskey sour, etc. But as others said, often not worth the calories, plus it gives me heartburn, plus after weight loss surgery I am truly a lightweight and so usually just have half a drink. Seems silly to pay for it and not finish it, so rarely do I order alcohol. I've got most of a sixpack still in the fridge that I bought in June. 

I don't think one beer or glass of wine in inherently bad for you anymore than a single glass of coke is bad for you - I mean, it isn't great, but unlikely for a beer a few times a year to make a huge difference for most people. If one isn't getting drunk and driving or making others uncomfortable, then I have no moral issues. 

Just...it's often not worth the expense and the calories. 

No one has ever pressured me. But saying, "No thanks, heartburn" should be enough to hold people off. 

[gardenmom5]

My grandmother didn't drink - her father was an alcoholic and she refused to allow my grandfather to drink because his father (and some brothers) were also alcoholics.   (he might get a bottle of apricot brandy for christmas - and he could make that bottle last for six months.  that was as much as he got.)
My mom really didn't drink.
 

[Scarlett]

16 hours ago, marbel said:

I know quite a few people who don't drink but it has nothing to do with religion. I feel like I saw something recently that drinking among young people is declining? Don't recall exactly and don't have anything to cite, just a vague memory.

Anyway. We have always offered multiple beverage options in our house. Some people drink alcohol, some don't. Some may drink sometimes and not other times. I don't pay attention and don't see any reason to ask why people are not drinking, just as I wouldn't ask them why they are. 

I don't see any reason to make a statement about it. If you typically accept, say, a glass of wine at dinner, and then suddenly with the same people you don't, they may ask about it (they shouldn't!) but you can just say "I'd just like water [or whatever NA option there is], thanks!" 

I know a lot of people who don’t drink for non religious  reasons. I just spent the weekend with my new found brother’s family and his son and DIL do not drink.  She said she just doesn’t like the way it makes her feel.  

I don’t think I know anyone who doesn’t drink for religious reasons……oh wait, I just thought of one….

I sleep better with no alcohol. 
 

 

[EKS]

14 hours ago, Heartstrings said:

There’s an episode of the Duggars, one of the weddings, and one if them says that wine is a mistranslation, they really meant grape juice.

I somehow doubt that there was much grape juice just lying around for people to drink back in the day.  No refrigeration means that wine was a way of preserving grape juice, just like cheese is a way of preserving milk.

[Dmmetler]

7 hours ago, Shoeless said:

I don't drink, either. 

Most people won't care or notice if you don't have alcohol. If the booze is incidental to the event, it won't matter if you have soda or water instead. 

If all of the events have booze at the center, then that could be tricky with some friendships. Some of the younger women in my family are big into Mommy Wine culture and all of the social events have booze as the main feature.  Not my scene, so I don't attend those events. 

 

I will say that the most pressure I've gotten about not drinking was at cheer competitions, where a lot of parents (at least on Junior and senior teams-we didn't start All Star until L was 12) seemed to figure the kids knew what to do, so it's mom's weekend off. The fact that I didn't join them was seen as a sign that I wasn't part of the group and seemed to be taken as a sign that I was offended by them or thought I was better than them or something. 

[Heartstrings]

46 minutes ago, EKS said:

I somehow doubt that there was much grape juice just lying around for people to drink back in the day.  No refrigeration means that wine was a way of preserving grape juice, just like cheese is a way of preserving milk.

Who needs to be bothered by historical facts when there is a worldview to uphold?  

[Heartstrings]

18 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

I will say that the most pressure I've gotten about not drinking was at cheer competitions, where a lot of parents (at least on Junior and senior teams-we didn't start All Star until L was 12) seemed to figure the kids knew what to do, so it's mom's weekend off. The fact that I didn't join them was seen as a sign that I wasn't part of the group and seemed to be taken as a sign that I was offended by them or thought I was better than them or something. 

I feel like maybe you got the better end of that deal.  If the only thing they want to do is be drunk all weekend do you really want to hang out with them?  I don't mind others drinking at all but getting and staying drunk isn't really an "activity" you know?  There is a big difference between someone who enjoys a drink and someone whose whole personality is wine.  

[Tiberia]

6 hours ago, Ginevra said:

There is one I’m thinking of that comes up for Christmas. The host has a “signature drink”, so it will call for me to be super clear that I’m not choosing alcohol for this event. I’m truthfully a little bit nervous about that event because, in all likelihood, I will be the only one not having alcohol and everyone is likely to drink the signature drink. I have abstained from drinking with this group before but not for the Christmas event. 

Yes, it's a little trickier when there's a specific drink or a specific toast. I just make sure I have a glass of something (water, sparkling cider) and make sure I am cheerfully drinking from it at the appropriate times. That lets everyone know I'm fully participating in the joy of the occasion. If they want to make it about alcohol, that's their choice. Usually nobody cares, but some might make a comment. Just commit to doing you, and letting them do them. You might start a trend in your friend group😉

[SKL]

6 hours ago, Ginevra said:

I agree, but I wonder if this is still true when someone volunteers part of the story. Like if they say, “No thanks; I don’t drink. Haven’t had a drop of alcohol in the past twenty years!” I wonder if that is an invitation to ask more about their reasoning. I was recently in exactly this spot. 

Since I'm not there to hear about everyone's sobriety journey, my response would be a cheerful "oh, OK."  Since it is unclear whether they want to tell more, I would not ask, but if they persisted in telling, that's up to them.

Really it's a bad idea to try to figure out what other people want to tell us.  This comes up in the adoption world a lot.  So for a parallel, suppose I said "my kids were adopted."  Should the other person (presumably not a close friend or relative) follow up with questions about why I adopted instead of procreating?  Or why my kids weren't raised by their bio parents?  Definitely not.  If I really wanted to tell that story, I could find a way to work it into the conversation.

[SKL]

As for times when drinking alcohol is clearly a part of the event:

1) I don't attend events that are clearly centered around alcohol, because obviously that isn't interesting to me.  Wine tastings etc.  Just like I don't attend "wrestling" matches (the entertainment kind), car shows, and a lot of other things.

2) If a group I'm involved with plans an event that I'd want to attend if it weren't about alcohol, I can attend and just choose a non-alcoholic drink.  Keep in mind that in any group, there are almost certainly people who won't drink for a variety of private reasons, and you can be one of them, even if your reason is "I just don't want to."

3) I can also drink a very small amount if it's an important part of the ceremony, such as taking communion or toasting the new bride and groom.  Even if I don't want to drink a drop, I can put the champagne glass to my lips for the sake of the people throwing the party.  It's not like they're going to check to make sure some of the alcohol went down my throat.  And that's not a time to make it about me.

I do think that organizations that aren't about alcohol should give some thought to not making everything about alcohol.  When I would have liked to do some of the social activities with fellow law graduates, unfortunately their entire social calendar was "___ brews" or something like that.  Why not have one or two activities that don't require a discussion of the alcohol being consumed?  And they wonder why alcoholism is an issue in the profession.

[Grace Hopper]

I am down to perhaps one drink every 2-3 months. I have concerns about brain health, but also have GI issues affected by alcohol (as well as poor food choices, so it’s not just the booze). 
 

I don’t really miss it. But I don’t call myself a teetotaler, either. If I’m in a situation where it would make me, or more importantly a host, uncomfortable to air my explanation of why I don’t want a drink, I’ll let them pour me a small glass of wine. They usually don’t notice if I only take two sips of it. I would also not decline a champagne toast at a special occasion, I just don’t drain the glass. 
 

 

Edited November 14, 2023 by Grace Hopper

[73349]

DH and I don't drink and never have, and it's not for religious reasons. (Actually, I'm not sure either of us ever had a religious leader who would never have a drink, and indeed we've had some that invited, say, the young adults' group to meet them at a pub to chat on a regular basis.)

It shouldn't make any difference to anybody else if you decide not to have wine (or whatever is on hand), any more than they should be concerned if you don't happen to drink orange juice. Have a glass of water or something. We don't give it any more weight, and neither do people we socialize with.

Edited November 14, 2023 by 73349

[SHP]

5 hours ago, regentrude said:

And it's also really annoying, just like preachy vegetarians who tell the carnivores over dinner how unhealthy eating meat is. Yeah, don't go there. 

I don't think the comparison is fair, though I don't have experience with preachy vegetarians like you describe. There are very real dangers that result from drinking. I lost a friend to a drunk driver. I have inlaws who don't think driving drunk is a big deal and will do so with children in the car and are fine watching their child/grandchild get into the car with a drunk driver. The attitude of my inlaws may be more common than I realize. My FOO dealt with alcoholism before I was born and when I was very young and had already decided no alcohol if anyone is driving. Drinking isn't something that really happens in my social circle.

[Dmmetler]

3 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

I will say that the most pressure I've gotten about not drinking was at cheer competitions, where a lot of parents (at least on Junior and senior teams-we didn't start All Star until L was 12) seemed to figure the kids knew what to do, so it's mom's weekend off. The fact that I didn't join them was seen as a sign that I wasn't part of the group and seemed to be taken as a sign that I was offended by them or thought I was better than them or something. 

It made it really uncomfortable in the parent room at the gym, though. Not that they were drinking there, but that the social bonds seem to have formed over those weekends. I spent a lot of time at Starbucks-it wasn't worth it to drive home and come back, but it definitely felt like I'd sat down at the wrong lunch table in the middle school cafeteria. 

[marbel]

1 hour ago, SHP said:

I don't think the comparison is fair, though I don't have experience with preachy vegetarians like you describe. There are very real dangers that result from drinking. I lost a friend to a drunk driver. I have inlaws who don't think driving drunk is a big deal and will do so with children in the car and are fine watching their child/grandchild get into the car with a drunk driver. The attitude of my inlaws may be more common than I realize. My FOO dealt with alcoholism before I was born and when I was very young and had already decided no alcohol if anyone is driving. Drinking isn't something that really happens in my social circle.

I feel you on the people who seemingly don't care. I have known people like that. Also people who are dangerous drivers even without being impaired by alcohol or drugs.

But in the context of the OP, I think it's a good comparison. People know driving drunk is bad, whether they want to admit it, or admit their own impairment. or not. They don't need to be educated on it at a social event. And in my experience, attempts to educate usually result in someone getting defensive to the point of anger, but it doesn't resolve anything. So bringing that up in the midst of a social occasion is highly unlikely to result in a change of heart for anyone. What it will do is make some people angry, and others feel awkward -- but without any benefit to be had. 

 

[ktgrok]

2 hours ago, SHP said:

I don't think the comparison is fair, though I don't have experience with preachy vegetarians like you describe. There are very real dangers that result from drinking. I lost a friend to a drunk driver. I have inlaws who don't think driving drunk is a big deal and will do so with children in the car and are fine watching their child/grandchild get into the car with a drunk driver. The attitude of my inlaws may be more common than I realize. My FOO dealt with alcoholism before I was born and when I was very young and had already decided no alcohol if anyone is driving. Drinking isn't something that really happens in my social circle.

Right, but unless there is some reason to believe a person plans on drinking and driving or doing some other activity that would be unsafe while drinking, it is not appropriate to lecture them about the evils of drinking at a social gathering. Having a few sips of champagne at a party hours before leaving is not the same thing as driving drunk. There are absolute dangers to self and others when a person is impaired, but that doesn't mean that the only way to avoid those is to have zero alcohol ever. Me having a beer with dinner and not having to drive anywhere is not going to lead to drunk driving. If DH and I go out to dinner or anywhere alcohol may be an option we decide who is going to drive and that person won't drink. Heck, I was 40 and we had my Dad drop us off and pick us up from a friend's wedding so we could have a few drinks and not worry about driving. Nowadays we'd just use Lyft. 

 

[Ginevra]

3 hours ago, SHP said:

I don't think the comparison is fair, though I don't have experience with preachy vegetarians like you describe. There are very real dangers that result from drinking. I lost a friend to a drunk driver. I have inlaws who don't think driving drunk is a big deal and will do so with children in the car and are fine watching their child/grandchild get into the car with a drunk driver. The attitude of my inlaws may be more common than I realize. My FOO dealt with alcoholism before I was born and when I was very young and had already decided no alcohol if anyone is driving. Drinking isn't something that really happens in my social circle.

I hear you on this but I think it is a good comparison. Some veg/vegans do see the issue as starkly as drunk driving. For some, it’s because they are entirely certain that every meat or animal product is doing serious damage to your health. For others, it’s because animals die or are kept in inhumane conditions or are killed in appalling processes and there is not a good enough reason to eat animal products when this is an unavoidable fact. You might even hear a dedicated vegan say eating meat is far more indefensible than drinking alcohol because an animal *must* die for you to eat it, while a person could (theoretically) drink alcohol every day of their lives and never be in an accident or kill someone behind the wheel. 
 

 

[EKS]

4 hours ago, SHP said:

There are very real dangers that result from drinking. I lost a friend to a drunk driver.

To be clear, drinking a glass of wine with dinner is not the same as drinking to excess and drinking to excess is not the same as drinking and driving.

[DawnM]

I think I am the opposite.   I grew up very religiously anti-alcohol.   Drinking was considered a sin.   However, in later years I have discovered it may have had more to do with my mom's family having problems with alcohol than anything.

But I now enjoy a good cocktail.   I don't have it often, maybe once a month or so, but I do enjoy it.

[ScoutTN]

Y, first for pregnancy.

Then for diabetes and blood sugar control. 
 

Nbd in my circles.

[Shoeless]

19 hours ago, Ginevra said:

There is one I’m thinking of that comes up for Christmas. The host has a “signature drink”, so it will call for me to be super clear that I’m not choosing alcohol for this event. I’m truthfully a little bit nervous about that event because, in all likelihood, I will be the only one not having alcohol and everyone is likely to drink the signature drink. I have abstained from drinking with this group before but not for the Christmas event. 

Are you close enough with the host to tell them you won't be having the cocktail? If they like making signature drinks, they might like the challenge of making a mocktail version of it.  

Assuming the other guests at this party are polite people, I think it would be enough to say, "Alcohol just doesn't agree with me since I've gotten older". Which is basically true; something in your outlook has changed and you don't want to have it anymore.  Only a boor would press the issue. 

14 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

I will say that the most pressure I've gotten about not drinking was at cheer competitions, where a lot of parents (at least on Junior and senior teams-we didn't start All Star until L was 12) seemed to figure the kids knew what to do, so it's mom's weekend off. The fact that I didn't join them was seen as a sign that I wasn't part of the group and seemed to be taken as a sign that I was offended by them or thought I was better than them or something. 

My lack of participation in Mommy Wine Brunches has definitely impacted relationships, but it's typically only one symptom of underlying incompatibility.

And honestly, you are a really interesting person; if these women can't find something to talk about with you without the aid of booze, then they are dull and it's 100% a them problem.  

7 hours ago, EKS said:

To be clear, drinking a glass of wine with dinner is not the same as drinking to excess and drinking to excess is not the same as drinking and driving.

True, but I'm one of those people that is impaired after only 1 drink. One glass of wine with dinner would make me a danger on the road.

[Ginevra]

4 hours ago, Shoeless said:

Are you close enough with the host to tell them you won't be having the cocktail? If they like making signature drinks, they might like the challenge of making a mocktail version of it.  

It is a possibility but I think I would feel like I’m “being difficult” or asking someone else to cater to my wishes. It seems easier for it to be NBD if I just decline on the spot without fanfare. 

[SKL]

3 hours ago, Ginevra said:

It is a possibility but I think I would feel like I’m “being difficult” or asking someone else to cater to my wishes. It seems easier for it to be NBD if I just decline on the spot without fanfare. 

Or you could just let them serve you but don't drink it, if you are worried about it being too awkward to request a non-alcoholic drink.

[Indigo Blue]

On 11/14/2023 at 10:13 AM, Dmmetler said:

The fact that I didn't join them was seen as a sign that I wasn't part of the group and seemed to be taken as a sign that I was offended by them or thought I was better than them or something. 

This right here can be a more tense situation to be in. You might feel that YOU know that you don’t think you are superior, (you just don’t want to drink) but you have to deal with the reality that they may be feeling that way. Just like homeschooling vs public school. Vegan vs carnivore. 
 

I’m so much less swayed by this pressure in my 50’s. I feel that if the pressure is too strong, it might be a red flag that I need to plan to not be around them going forward. I don’t want to be around people that unfairly think that I think I am better than they are, although I know sometimes it’s just a one time event that you just deal with and then don’t worry about. I think sometimes it becomes a them problem and not a you problem. No one should feel such pressure that they cave in to drink if they don’t want to. And then subtlety shamed for not following the crowd. 
 

#IDoWhatIWant

This is easier with age. If only younger people didn’t have to wait so long for wisdom and insight. 

[Ginevra]

20 hours ago, SKL said:

Or you could just let them serve you but don't drink it, if you are worried about it being too awkward to request a non-alcoholic drink.

That seems inconsiderate of me I think. It would be noticed and then I wasted the Crown Royal and whatever the other ingredients are. 

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, Ginevra said:

That seems inconsiderate of me I think. It would be noticed and then I wasted the Crown Royal and whatever the other ingredients are. 

I only did this one time.  I had just found out I was pregnant and had not even told my mom. I had a long weekend planned with my best friend who had just started dating her now husband.  I got to his house and he handed me a margarita. I accepted it and said thank you.  Then I sat and visited and had about three tiny sips.  Then I went to the kitchen and dumped it down the drain and went back and visited with a mostly empty glass.  They never noticed.  
 

lol…but I would not do that normally.  

[marbel]

23 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I only did this one time.  I had just found out I was pregnant and had not even told my mom. I had a long weekend planned with my best friend who had just started dating her now husband.  I got to his house and he handed me a margarita. I accepted it and said thank you.  Then I sat and visited and had about three tiny sips.  Then I went to the kitchen and dumped it down the drain and went back and visited with a mostly empty glass.  They never noticed.  
 

lol…but I would not do that normally.  

I don't think this is all that unusual. Not that I think it's fine to waste any sort of food/drink, but it does happen. People take a drink of something and realize they don't like it. I'm sure I've done it: held the glass, took a wet-my-tongue "sip," wandered around, found a way to get rid of it. I've sometimes found nearly-full glasses stuck on a shelf or side table after a large party. <shrug> I see it as part of the cost of hosting.  It's the same with food. I'd rather people didn't force down something they didn't want. But then it also wouldn't bother me if someone refused something. 

Now, in a small group this might be very hard to do. So I don't necessarily recommend it, but if it was truly the only solution, I'd not feel too bad about it. In general I think it's better to just refuse and let the consequences follow. (Not that I think there should be consequences!)

[ktgrok]

I think it would be best/easiest to simply say, "Oh, no thank you. Sounds great but alcohol and I are not getting along recently. But thank you!"

[Grace Hopper]

10 hours ago, Ginevra said:

That seems inconsiderate of me I think. It would be noticed and then I wasted the Crown Royal and whatever the other ingredients are. 

Then don’t ask for Crown Royal! 
A wine spritzer or half a glass of wine is a small cost for smoothing out a social situation. IMO anyway. 
 

In the extremely rare event I’m with someone cracking open a 100yo bottle of cognac or something like that, ok, different. But for something that special, I’d partake of a sip (saying, “just a sip, please!”). That’s why I don’t label myself a teetotaler. I just don’t drink often at all. 

[GoodGrief3]

I’ve never had a drink in my life. It’s really a non-issue. I’ve never had anyone really even question me. I get water or soda or whatever. I don’t drink coffee either, which actually causes more questions than the alcohol. Neither is for religious reasons, or any reason really, other than it seems unappealing. 

[Terabith]

47 minutes ago, GoodGrief3 said:

I’ve never had a drink in my life. It’s really a non-issue. I’ve never had anyone really even question me. I get water or soda or whatever. I don’t drink coffee either, which actually causes more questions than the alcohol. Neither is for religious reasons, or any reason really, other than it seems unappealing. 

Oh for sure!  I just hate the taste of coffee and caffeine in more than tiny doses makes me feel anxious and upsets my already precarious sleep.  I've sometimes wished I liked the taste of coffee.  I love the way it smells and it's got great antioxidants.  But yeah, tons of comments on my coffee abstinence, and that comes up more frequently than the fact that I don't like alcohol!

[Ginevra]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

Then don’t ask for Crown Royal! 
A wine spritzer or half a glass of wine is a small cost for smoothing out a social situation. IMO anyway. 
 

In the extremely rare event I’m with someone cracking open a 100yo bottle of cognac or something like that, ok, different. But for something that special, I’d partake of a sip (saying, “just a sip, please!”). That’s why I don’t label myself a teetotaler. I just don’t drink often at all. 

I know, but this was about the “Signature drink” event. The signature drink is crown Royal and some other things. If it were just a regular type of gathering, there is not that much focus on the drink choice of one individual. 

[Grace Hopper]

2 hours ago, Ginevra said:

I know, but this was about the “Signature drink” event. The signature drink is crown Royal and some other things. If it were just a regular type of gathering, there is not that much focus on the drink choice of one individual. 

I see. Was it like at a reception where you go up to the bar? Or were they passing around serving? Or seated dinner?

Not trying to be super nosy, I just think depending on the circumstances your way to respond may differ. At a large event I’d take one if it were pressed into my hand, only take a sip if unavoidable, then after a while switch cups with dh who would be happy to take care of it for me. 😂

[Catwoman]

On 11/15/2023 at 4:58 AM, Ginevra said:

It is a possibility but I think I would feel like I’m “being difficult” or asking someone else to cater to my wishes. It seems easier for it to be NBD if I just decline on the spot without fanfare. 

That’s what I would do, too — or if you really feel uncomfortable about being the only one not having the signature drink, just accept it and pretend to sip it for a little while, until you get a chance to ditch it somewhere.

[rebcoola]

10 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I only did this one time.  I had just found out I was pregnant and had not even told my mom. I had a long weekend planned with my best friend who had just started dating her now husband.  I got to his house and he handed me a margarita. I accepted it and said thank you.  Then I sat and visited and had about three tiny sips.  Then I went to the kitchen and dumped it down the drain and went back and visited with a mostly empty glass.  They never noticed.  
 

lol…but I would not do that normally.  

I had to do this to myself I invited a group of friends for Wine night like Monday for Saturday found out I was pregnant like Thursday.  It would have been super noticeable if I didnt drink so I had to fake it all night.

[SKL]

3 hours ago, Ginevra said:

I know, but this was about the “Signature drink” event. The signature drink is crown Royal and some other things. If it were just a regular type of gathering, there is not that much focus on the drink choice of one individual. 

I'm having a hard time picturing this situation.  I guess if it is an event that basically requires everyone to drink Crown Royal and that's the central activity of the gathering, most likely I just wouldn't attend.  I would have somewhere else to be that day.  If the people are special enough to me that I felt I needed to be there, then wouldn't they be good enough friends that they wouldn't be weird about my choice to drink or not drink?

Really, it is just about impossible for this hostess to have never had a friend who wasn't drinking at her party.  Everybody knows that alcohol doesn't agree with everyone all the time.

So if this is a good friend, you could maybe say "oh I'll be there, not to drink but to spend time with you.  Alcohol isn't agreeing with me lately, so I'll just sip on something else."

[Clarita]

If I "had" to have an alcoholic beverage at an event I would, in confidence, call a friend who is also going to the event (DH counts). Ask this friend if I could hand him/her the drink after I pretend to take a sip. At the event I would take the drink, sip/nurse it a bit (up to you whether those are real sips or not), then when my friend is finished with their drink swap glasses.

[Ginevra]

9 hours ago, Grace Hopper said:

I see. Was it like at a reception where you go up to the bar? Or were they passing around serving? Or seated dinner?

Not trying to be super nosy, I just think depending on the circumstances your way to respond may differ. At a large event I’d take one if it were pressed into my hand, only take a sip if unavoidable, then after a while switch cups with dh who would be happy to take care of it for me. 😂

This is a small Christmas party of about ten ladies. Happens every year for twenty years. The hostess is a very good party-thrower; well-planned, good food and drinks, games, etc. She has a “signature drink” for this party. In the way that a good hostess does, she’s a “ninja refiller”.  Unless one makes it super clear, she might top you off three times.
 

Understand - I’m not blaming a good host for anyone who might have too much. We do all have a choice. I’m just saying it’s a little bit harder to just not drink in a blending-in way. It will require something like, “I’m just sticking with plain ginger ale this time” or something. 

[marbel]

3 hours ago, Ginevra said:

This is a small Christmas party of about ten ladies. Happens every year for twenty years. The hostess is a very good party-thrower; well-planned, good food and drinks, games, etc. She has a “signature drink” for this party. In the way that a good hostess does, she’s a “ninja refiller”.  Unless one makes it super clear, she might top you off three times.
 

Understand - I’m not blaming a good host for anyone who might have too much. We do all have a choice. I’m just saying it’s a little bit harder to just not drink in a blending-in way. It will require something like, “I’m just sticking with plain ginger ale this time” or something. 

Ugh. This is why I like parties where there's a drinks area and refills are up to the imbiber. I actually don't love "ninja refillers" though maybe your friend is not pushy like others I've experienced. 

So I think I'm changing my mind from earlier posts. Since you have a long history with this person and this party, I think it might be good to put a word in her ear beforehand to tell her you won't be drinking that night. I assume (hope?) she is not a person who would make a big deal out of it. But if you have been drinking her signature cocktail for 20  years, yeah, she's gonna notice. And maybe get her feelings hurt without some advance warning? 

And, I've gotten really invested in this party so I hope you will report back how it went! 

[Terabith]

I think even if you’ve been drinking a signature drink for 20 years, telling someone you have known for twenty years (a pretty long time) that you’re avoiding alcohol and maybe a short explanation of why (it’s messing with my sleep/ I am trying to cut down on calories/ whatever) ahead of time should make subbing it out for something non alcoholic pretty painless.  I can’t imagine knowing someone for 20 years and them getting mad if I said I was skipping alcohol.  

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, Terabith said:

I think even if you’ve been drinking a signature drink for 20 years, telling someone you have known for twenty years (a pretty long time) that you’re avoiding alcohol and maybe a short explanation of why (it’s messing with my sleep/ I am trying to cut down on calories/ whatever) ahead of time should make subbing it out for something non alcoholic pretty painless.  I can’t imagine knowing someone for 20 years and them getting mad if I said I was skipping alcohol.  

I can't imagine it would be a problem to decline the drink, whether ahead of time or at the party, especially with the reasons you mentioned. It would never occur to me to tell someone in advance that I wouldn't be drinking their signature beverage, though, because I can't imagine that they would care either way. 

I guess I'm seeing this differently from some others because I never drank, so even at parties when everyone else was drinking, it never felt awkward to say I don't drink. But even for someone who always had a drink or two at parties, telling a long-time friend (or even a long-term acquaintance that you don't drink any more shouldn't be a big deal, and honestly, if it turns out to be a huge deal to that person, is that someone @Ginevra really wants to be friends with? I mean, the woman would have to be a pretty big control freak to try to dictate what her guests drink at a party, right?

[Ginevra]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

I can't imagine it would be a problem to decline the drink, whether ahead of time or at the party, especially with the reasons you mentioned. It would never occur to me to tell someone in advance that I wouldn't be drinking their signature beverage, though, because I can't imagine that they would care either way. 

I guess I'm seeing this differently from some others because I never drank, so even at parties when everyone else was drinking, it never felt awkward to say I don't drink. But even for someone who always had a drink or two at parties, telling a long-time friend (or even a long-term acquaintance that you don't drink any more shouldn't be a big deal, and honestly, if it turns out to be a huge deal to that person, is that someone @Ginevra really wants to be friends with? I mean, the woman would have to be a pretty big control freak to try to dictate what her guests drink at a party, right?

I don’t expect the host or anyone else to have a problem with it, but I still think it could be surprising in a “wow, that’s different!” Kind of way. 
 

What I have noticed before with other friends is that people sometimes feel defensive when someone else abstains from the thing they all partake of. (This is especially true if there are any negative connotations associated with it.)  So, if it’s a birthday party and one friend turns down a piece of cake, say; I have seen people be taken aback, press for a reason, or start explaining why *they* are having the cake. It’s a weird impulse but what we eat and drink carries extremely strong vibes of belonging. When someone declines the thing everyone else is having, it *can* be interpreted as the decliner being superior/on a high horse. 

[SKL]

Another idea is to inform your friend casually outside the context of her party.  Like say you're having coffee together, or similar type of situation where you both chat about life's ups and downs.  You bring up whatever it is in your life that made you decide to cut alcohol.  Then it's not a surprise when you politely decline it at the Christmas party.

I think the main etiquette rule at play is - don't make it "about you" at her party.  Whether that means sipping the drink, pretending to sip, or drinking something else - whatever is least likely to take away from your host is the right answer IMO.

It would be different if this were a serious health or religious issue, but it sounds like you really would be OK taking a sip if that would draw the least negative attention.