Gift help 😬

[busymama7]

This is my 5th Christmas with a my daughter in law including before they were married and gift giving is so incredibly hard.   Pretty much nothing that we have ever given has actually been used except for one thing we gave last year that was a huge hit with my son.   Now I'm not saying I have expectations once the gift is given but she is an extreme minimalist and gets rid of anything and everything to the point that I still have some stuff of my son's because I'm afraid to send it to their house because she will throw everything away.   I am a huge crafter and sew so things I have made for my kids are precious to me. Anyways, that was a side note.

She doesn't craft or have hobbies.  She doesn't read.  She doesn't play board games or do puzzles.  She doesn't even watch movies or anything.   One time I gave her items for a hobby that she expressed interest in but she hasn't ever used the items/learned.  

She likes outside stuff and horses (they have 2 that are ours but live at their house and they take care of them) but I can't think of anything along those lines either.  

They will be at our house this year which is super exciting but it means I also need to fill stockings and I can't think of anything.  We have gone super practical before and that doesn't seem to go over super well either.  

They have two kids 2 1/2 and 5 months.  She stays home.  Doesn't plan to homeschool.   Parents very differently than me.  Like I have gifted amazing baby carriers and she buckets her babies around.  

She isn't sentimental at all.  Something like an antique with meaning behind it wouldn't work.  I don't want to do gift cards/certificates.  If she was the type where one to a niche store would be good I would do that but she isn't.  She does need new clothes since having the second baby (she's told me) but I couldn't choose them. I could possibly give a gift card for that but it can't be the only gift.  

Usually I feel like girls are easy to get kinda generic gifts for but everything I think of doesn't fit her well.  

I have 16 immediate family members to buy for (9 kids, 3 spouses, 3 grand kids and dh) but she is by far the hardest.  Like I have no ideas.  Oh and weve asked for lists and they don't provide any ideas. I *think* it is a cultural thing for her where asking for things is frowned on.  So thats fine but it just makes it so incredibly hard.  My kids ask me what to get for them and I have no ideas.  Last year almost everyone gave them picture books to read to their child because we couldn't come up with anything 🤷‍♀️. But we can't do that again 😂

If anyone has any suggestions that would be amazing.  

ETA: we have done like date gift certificates before but don't really want to do that.  Something like a coupon for watching the kids or whatever would be silly because we already do that whenever they ask and love to.  

Edited November 29, 2022 by busymama7

[bolt.]

I would fill the stockings with food and drinks (for everyone), then gift her with a pretty printed "invitation" to an afternoon of choosing some clothes for you to gift her with, and coffee date.

Another idea is that I'm sure horses need stuff of some kind, right? Maybe there are nicely done-up versions of those things? O higher-end replacements for basic horse things? Or like horse 'luxuries' of some kind?

[Matryoshka]

If I couldn't ask what someone wanted, I'd be at a loss too.  I'd probably give a gift card.  That would drive me bat-o.   I completely suck at guessing what people might like and hate getting them things they don't want or need (I also hate getting things I don't want or need from people who think they can read my mind). 

I have a brand-new DIL.  I asked her what she wanted, she suggested a standing desk for her office.  So I'm getting her that.  Thank heavens.

My one friend who I exchange gifts with, and whose love language is gifts... I go shopping with her before Christmas, and have her pick something out for herself, then wrap it and give it to her later.  I'm just very frank that while I would love to be a gift-whisperer, I am just not.  At.all.  It's going to just make us all disappointed and cranky for years on end if we just don't deal with the reality.  

[busymama7]

4 minutes ago, bolt. said:

I would fill the stockings with food and drinks (for everyone), then gift her with a pretty printed "invitation" to an afternoon of choosing some clothes for you to gift her with, and coffee date.

Another idea is that I'm sure horses need stuff of some kind, right? Maybe there are nicely done-up versions of those things? O higher-end replacements for basic horse things? Or like horse 'luxuries' of some kind?

Maybe. But she wouldn't go shopping with the girls over Thanksgiving because she doesn't take the baby out at all.  So like I would be totally fine taking her and baby and holding baby while she tries stuff on etc but she won't do that.   Like all the females over 15 went shopping for fun except her. She wouldn't go with us because of the baby is what she said. 

[kbutton]

I have someone kind of like this in the family (except for the extreme minimalism). No hobbies, etc. They only ever want gift cards. They ask for lists from us, and then they buy us gift cards.

7 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

We have gone super practical before and that doesn't seem to go over super well either. 

I would go practical or do gift cards.

You can't choose how they respond to a gift, but you can choose to gift something she won't toss out. 

8 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

Like I have gifted amazing baby carriers and she buckets her babies around.  

I wouldn't take that too personally--I parent very differently than my mom because I got kids who were not NT. I wanted to like and use baby carriers, but they all hurt more than just putting my back out by carrying a baby on a hip. 

So, so, so many things didn't work with my kids that I picked out myself!!! It was disappointing.

You can't make her like what you get, but maybe if you go practical, you could go upscale practical? Someone mentioned maple syrup on another gift thread--real maple syrup is $$$ and delicious, but it's practical. 

 

[kbutton]

1 minute ago, busymama7 said:

Maybe. But she wouldn't go shopping with the girls over Thanksgiving because she doesn't take the baby out at all.  So like I would be totally fine taking her and baby and holding baby while she tries stuff on etc but she won't do that.   Like all the females over 15 went shopping for fun except her. She wouldn't go with us because of the baby is what she said. 

Is it covid, cold and flu season, or a quirk? If we had an under 2, we wouldn't be going anywhere right now, TBH, because of not being able to mask such a little one.

DH used to work in pediatric primary care, and when we had a winter baby, he was really nutty about taking him out. Summer baby--no big deal. He'd seen to much bad stuff with flu, RSV, etc. DH is not a worrier, at all.

[busymama7]

Just now, kbutton said:

Is it covid, cold and flu season, or a quirk? If we had an under 2, we wouldn't be going anywhere right now, TBH, because of not being able to mask such a little one.

DH used to work in pediatric primary care, and when we had a winter baby, he was really nutty about taking him out. Summer baby--no big deal. He'd seen to much bad stuff with flu, RSV, etc. DH is not a worrier, at all.

So I think it's more a quirk although she is super worried about illness in general.  They had and got over RSV last month but she probably doesn't understand they wouldn't get it again because try to explain things but she doesn't really get it sometimes.   But I do think it's more than that and more quirky because the baby has been on an airplane to another country, to a tourist resort, goes to restaurants and church etc.   But her husband is with her with all of those so maybe that's the difference.   She told me it's because the baby nurses so frequently but she nurses in public with no issues so I don't get that either.  She said she leaves the baby to run errands but if she nurses so often I don't get that either.  (She doesn't take a bottle). 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

What does she do? I know time is probably limited with two toddlers, but other than horses, what did she fill her time with prior to children?

(I am also a minimalist but I live with a husband who still has sweatshirts from 2002. It’s rough.)

[Selkie]

I’m a horse-loving minimalist, and one of my favorite presents ever was a gift card to Stateline Tack. I had a lot of fun picking out some needed practical items, like new grain buckets, as well as a few splurges that I wouldn’t normally spend money on, like higher-end brushes for grooming.

[Carol in Cal.]

If she likes the outdoors a lot, I’d consider a targetted gift card to an outdoor forward place like REI or LLBean.  Or I would pick out some good quality technical stuff from REI, but enclose a gift receipt in case she wants to exchange it.  That would show specificity and thoughtfulness but also be returnable.  REI has some of the best return policies in the business.

You could get a good quality technical daypack and put a few picnic items in it—lightweight but sturdy backpacking picnicking dishes are great for this, and some high quality water bottles with no BPA in the lining would undoubtedly be welcome.  A little emergency gear is often welcome for outdoorsy folks—a space blanket that conserves body heat but is very lightweight is a good technical item. A backpacking first aid kit might be welcome.  Wax coated matches and a cranking flashlight are also helpful.  Also, a little bottle of water purifying tablets if she ever goes into the actual ‘wild’ would be nice.

Edited November 29, 2022 by Carol in Cal.

[plansrme]

Food subscription box? One of those prepared meal services like Freshly?

[busymama7]

2 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

What does she do? I know time is probably limited with two toddlers, but other than horses, what did she fill her time with prior to children?

(I am also a minimalist but I live with a husband who still has sweatshirts from 2002. It’s rough.)

I honestly can't quite figure it out.  She worked before kids.  She cleans a lot.  It's really the only thing I've ever seen her do besides tend to kids.  She cleans and cooks. And cleans some more. I would have gone crazy when I had little ones if I didn't have hobbies to fit in in little snippets.  I read a lot while nursing etc.  So it's hard to understand.  I would be happy to gift her something that would be helpful like an instant pot or something but she cooks differently than I do and I don't know if she would use it. 

[busymama7]

4 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

If she likes the outdoors a lot, I’d consider a targetted gift card to an outdoor forward place like REI or LLBean.  Or I would pick out some good quality technical stuff from REI, but enclose a gift receipt in case she wants to exchange it.  That would show specificity and thoughtfulness but also be returnable.  REI has some of the best return policies in the business.

You could get a good quality technical daypack and put a few picnic items in it—lightweight but sturdy backpacking picnicking dishes are great for this, and some high quality water bottles with no BPA in the lining would undoubtedly be welcome.  A little emergency gear is often welcome for outdoorsy folks—a space blanket that conserves body heat but is very lightweight is a good technical item. A backpacking first aid kit might be welcome.  Wax coated matches and a cranking flashlight are also helpful.

Something along these lines might work.  Thanks.  The horses belong to the family so we share the expenses so I'm not sure about that. But adventure stuff might work or emergency.   She doesn't currently do things like that (I invite her to go with me and my younger kids but she doesn't come) but they did before kids.  

[MercyA]

I'm thinking she's going to be happiest with cash or a gift card. Nothing wrong with that. Get some Christmas treats for her stocking in addition to that and be done with it. 🙂

[kbutton]

15 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

So I think it's more a quirk although she is super worried about illness in general.  They had and got over RSV last month but she probably doesn't understand they wouldn't get it again because try to explain things but she doesn't really get it sometimes.   But I do think it's more than that and more quirky because the baby has been on an airplane to another country, to a tourist resort, goes to restaurants and church etc.   But her husband is with her with all of those so maybe that's the difference.   She told me it's because the baby nurses so frequently but she nurses in public with no issues so I don't get that either.  She said she leaves the baby to run errands but if she nurses so often I don't get that either.  (She doesn't take a bottle). 

Is she depressed? Does she not trust you for some reason? I don't mean that harshly, just realistically. 

It sounds like she's trying to find polite ways to make excuses or that she's not very self-aware about her contradictory behavior/concerns/expectations.

I'm sorry.

I like the idea of a gift card for horse stuff even if expenses are shared. 

[Loesje22000]

Specialized outdoor /hiking socks can be expensive but worthwhile as they dry fast and don’t cause blisters. If she is a lot of outdoor she might appreciate it, and fits her minimalist life?

[busymama7]

16 minutes ago, kbutton said:

Is she depressed? Does she not trust you for some reason? I don't mean that harshly, just realistically. 

It sounds like she's trying to find polite ways to make excuses or that she's not very self-aware about her contradictory behavior/concerns/expectations.

I'm sorry.

I like the idea of a gift card for horse stuff even if expenses are shared. 

Not depressed no but I think she could be diagnosed with clinical anxiety.  It is definitely complicated.   Sometimes it seems like she trusts me explicitly and other times very much not.  So yeah difficult relationship although I adore her and she is lovely.  

With 17 people opening over 100 presents having her get a gift card would be insulting.  She has to be able to open things. If they weren't at our house this year I could consider that but not with everyone else there too. 

I text my son for ideas and he said he had none and asked me back if I had any 😂😂

[alisoncooks]

That’s hard. I’d go food and gift cards. Specialty drinks? (Alcoholic or coffee/tea). 

[kirstenhill]

1 minute ago, busymama7 said:

Not depressed no but I think she could be diagnosed with clinical anxiety.  It is definitely complicated.   Sometimes it seems like she trusts me explicitly and other times very much not.  So yeah difficult relationship although I adore her and she is lovely.  

With 17 people opening over 100 presents having her get a gift card would be insulting.  She has to be able to open things. If they weren't at our house this year I could consider that but not with everyone else there too. 

I text my son for ideas and he said he had none and asked me back if I had any 😂😂

Maybe I missed it in a previous post, but is there a reason you couldn't ask her? Even if you don't ask anyone else? I usually surprise my kids with a lot of their gifts, but now that DD18 is at college, I asked her she wanted to be surprised (and risk me getting it wrong) or give me a list, even for stocking stuffers.  She said she wanted to give me a specific list.  You could let her know you will spend $X, and would she prefer to be surprised, to give you a list, or to receive cash/gift card.  It's not insulting if it's what she wants! And if it is insulting to others that she gets to receive a gift card when everyone else gets physical presents, then it may be time to rethink your gifting plans in general.  My mom and MIL always ask if we want cash or to give them a specific list of things we want, and I appreciate that.  Sometimes I would rather have the cash to put toward an experience or a larger expense, sometimes it is nice to have someone "treat" me to a fancy kitchen item I wouldn't buy myself or something like that.

[regentrude]

You say she likes "outside stuff" . Do you mean hiking, backpacking, etc?

Hiking socks. Sleeping bag liner. Inflatable backpacking cushion. Lifestraw water filter. 

Horses. Tack store gift card. 

BTW, outdoors and horses *are* hobbies. I am a minimalist too who hates being burdened by stuff.

What about concert or theatre tickets with a babysitting gift certificate?

Consumables? A few nice wines?

[busymama7]

Just now, kirstenhill said:

Maybe I missed it in a previous post, but is there a reason you couldn't ask her? Even if you don't ask anyone else? I usually surprise my kids with a lot of their gifts, but now that DD18 is at college, I asked her she wanted to be surprised (and risk me getting it wrong) or give me a list, even for stocking stuffers.  She said she wanted to give me a specific list.  You could let her know you will spend $X, and would she prefer to be surprised, to give you a list, or to receive cash/gift card.  It's not insulting if it's what she wants! And if it is insulting to others that she gets to receive a gift card when everyone else gets physical presents, then it may be time to rethink your gifting plans in general.  My mom and MIL always ask if we want cash or to give them a specific list of things we want, and I appreciate that.  Sometimes I would rather have the cash to put toward an experience or a larger expense, sometimes it is nice to have someone "treat" me to a fancy kitchen item I wouldn't buy myself or something like that.

I have asked although not specifically if she would rather have cash.  She doesn't make lists (everyone else in the family does).  I think it is cultural because she wouldn't do a wedding registry either.  I think she thought it was rude.   

[regentrude]

47 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

I am also a minimalist but I live with a husband who still has sweatshirts from 2002. It’s rough.

My DH wears a hiking sweater he bought in 1992. We're pretty minimalist when it comes to clothing and only replace items worn out beyond mending.

[busymama7]

Just now, regentrude said:

You say she likes "outside stuff" . Do you mean hiking, backpacking, etc?

Hiking socks. Sleeping bag liner. Inflatable backpacking cushion. Lifestraw water filter. 

Horses. Tack store gift card. 

BTW, outdoors and horses *are* hobbies. I am a minimalist too who hates being burdened by stuff.

What about concert or theatre tickets with a babysitting gift certificate?

Consumables? A few nice wines?

So sure except that she doesn't really do anything with them.  My son takes care of them and rides them.  She's the one who wanted them but with being pregnant and having a new baby and such it hasn't worked out yet.   She says she likes animals and being outdoors but since having kids she doesn't really do any of those things.  So any of those gifts are good ideas for someone who likes hiking or camping but she probably isn't in a phase of life where using that stuff is practical.   I camp a lot and she says she's going to come with us but then has a reason she can't every time. So it's hard to know if she actually enjoys these things.  

[kirstenhill]

3 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

I have asked although not specifically if she would rather have cash.  She doesn't make lists (everyone else in the family does).  I think it is cultural because she wouldn't do a wedding registry either.  I think she thought it was rude.   

It seems like a lose/lose situation.  ☹️  She thinks it's rude to tell you what she really wants, but then throws away or doesn't use (clearly doesn't want) things she did receive. It's like the only way for you to "win" this game is for you to be a mind reader or come up with something that even she doesn't know she wants.   You might luck out with things people suggest here, but if even her DH doesn't know what she really wants, it seems like maybe she doesn't want anything (except maybe money, though it seems like you are saying she would be offended if you did give her cash).

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, busymama7 said:

Maybe. But she wouldn't go shopping with the girls over Thanksgiving because she doesn't take the baby out at all.  So like I would be totally fine taking her and baby and holding baby while she tries stuff on etc but she won't do that.   Like all the females over 15 went shopping for fun except her. She wouldn't go with us because of the baby is what she said. 

Could it be an excuse because she is polite and doesn't want to say that she'd rather poke her eyes out than go on a collective family shopping trips with all the females? 

[stephanier.1765]

Is there anything that would make going outdoors or on hikes with littles easier? If you have time to do some research for local places that are easy and safe to hike with littles, especially short trails, you could give her something that she could pull both kids in along with the list of great places to go. It'd be a great way to get the kids and her out of the house since she doesn't want to take them in public. I was always looking for places to take the kids that were free as a way to get them out in nature.

[prairiewindmomma]

It seems like gifts are a meaningful relationship connection tool for you and they aren’t at all that for her. That’s ok, for each of you. 

[bolt.]

Maybe audio books? They are a good hobby for a young mom, and compatible with cooking, cleaning, walking outdoors, etc. She may not have tried them.

[Clemsondana]

I have a teen who also doesn't want anything.  Kid has organized his room and finds it stressful to get more stuff since it won't fit.  It's not OCD or anything like that - it's got a cluttered teen look -  but it's organized and kid just doesn't want to deal with more stuff.  I'm somewhat at a loss.  My other kid is excited about the idea of some food-based subscription kits, and I'm debating doing a King Arthur Flour order to buy an assortment of mixes and sprinkles and that sort of thing.  Would something like that work?  I have a relative who used to give me one of those Cracker Barrel kits that had pancake mix and blueberry syrup.  They said that they felt weird giving the same thing every year, but we looked forward to it - it was tasty, more expensive than what I'd buy at the store so a treat, and we looked forward to using it during a snow day or slumber party every January or February.  My mom used to get soup and casserole starter mixes or dip mixes from craft shows and they were great for putting a meal on the table quickly.  You can buy them at specialty shops or make DIY ones in jars.  If they wouldn't work for gifts, they might make good stocking stuffers.  

Would she like something to do with the kids - tickets to a water park or passes to a kid museum or something like that?  Maybe stuck in something that would be useful for outings with a kid - bento box style lunch containers or little thermoses?  I know that it depends on where you live, but when I had kids I seemed to spend a lot of time packing snacks or lunches before heading out.  Now that I have big kids, I just pack more food. and we are gone for longer.  🙂  

[busymama7]

7 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Could it be an excuse because she is polite and doesn't want to say that she'd rather poke her eyes out than go on a collective family shopping trips with all the females? 

Yes absolutely it could be and no one was offended or anything. If it's not her thing then it's not. But someone suggested that I gift her a shopping trip and I can't do that while taking what she said at face value.   That she doesn't do that with the baby.   If she would do it with just the two of us, great but I'm not a mind reader. She told me she won't go shopping while she has a little baby except for quick trips.  So I can't then give that to her as a gift 🤷‍♀️

(She has previously loved shopping so I just don't know)

[busymama7]

6 minutes ago, prairiewindmomma said:

It seems like gifts are a meaningful relationship connection tool for you and they aren’t at all that for her. That’s ok, for each of you. 

Yep and it is fine except that we are having a everyone together at Christmas this year and I can't not get her gifts.  I have to come up with something 

[Beth S]

Maybe Hello Fresh, or some other meal delivery?

 

[happi duck]

I'd maybe switch to couple gifts for them.  Memberships etc.

I personally hate receiving clothes but if you did clothes you could be sure to include gift receipts. 

[Arcadia]

7 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

  I camp a lot and she says she's going to come with us but then has a reason she can't every time. So it's hard to know if she actually enjoys these things.  

I like camping but I would not go camping with relatives unless I am the one planning everything. I am not doing any tent camping but would be happy doing “yurt camping” for example.

49 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

  She doesn't currently do things like that (I invite her to go with me and my younger kids but she doesn't come) but they did before kids.  

When you invite her to go shopping, is your son invited as well or is it an all girls shopping trip? I don’t go shopping with my in-laws, it was too tiring. However I managed going shopping with my in-laws when it was 2 under 2 when they shop at places that I could take public transport with my kids home when they cannot take it anymore. For example, my in-laws shop from before the mall opens to closing time. My kids could only tolerate at most 2hrs of shopping, which includes napping in a double stroller.

I do enjoy shopping when it was just me and my kids (during the 2 under 2 stage) while my husband was at work. My late mom would sometimes accompany me and that was fine too because we would just rest at Starbucks inside the mall whenever we are tired and my mom would splurge on drinks for four of us. 
 

I am more of a minimalist because my homes have always been small so space is a premium and I need my “white space” at home. I appreciate not getting gifts so my relatives all give me cash and/or chocolates that they know I love. 

[busymama7]

8 minutes ago, Clemsondana said:

I have a teen who also doesn't want anything.  Kid has organized his room and finds it stressful to get more stuff since it won't fit.  It's not OCD or anything like that - it's got a cluttered teen look -  but it's organized and kid just doesn't want to deal with more stuff.  I'm somewhat at a loss.  My other kid is excited about the idea of some food-based subscription kits, and I'm debating doing a King Arthur Flour order to buy an assortment of mixes and sprinkles and that sort of thing.  Would something like that work?  I have a relative who used to give me one of those Cracker Barrel kits that had pancake mix and blueberry syrup.  They said that they felt weird giving the same thing every year, but we looked forward to it - it was tasty, more expensive than what I'd buy at the store so a treat, and we looked forward to using it during a snow day or slumber party every January or February.  My mom used to get soup and casserole starter mixes or dip mixes from craft shows and they were great for putting a meal on the table quickly.  You can buy them at specialty shops or make DIY ones in jars.  If they wouldn't work for gifts, they might make good stocking stuffers.  

Would she like something to do with the kids - tickets to a water park or passes to a kid museum or something like that?  Maybe stuck in something that would be useful for outings with a kid - bento box style lunch containers or little thermoses?  I know that it depends on where you live, but when I had kids I seemed to spend a lot of time packing snacks or lunches before heading out.  Now that I have big kids, I just pack more food. and we are gone for longer.  🙂  

I love the idea of like the children's museum but I'm not sure she would go because of indoors and sickness.   But I guess I don't have control over that. I could just try that.  It's about the only thing here except for water parks and well I don't think that's practical with two so little ones.  

[busymama7]

1 minute ago, happi duck said:

I'd maybe switch to couple gifts for them.  Memberships etc.

I personally hate receiving clothes but if you did clothes you could be sure to include gift receipts. 

We are open to a gift that is individual or couple.  We generally do couple as it is. 

[busymama7]

3 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

I like camping but I would not go camping with relatives unless I am the one planning everything. I am not doing any tent camping but would be happy doing “yurt camping” for example.

When you invite her to go shopping, is your son invited as well or is it an all girls shopping trip? I don’t go shopping with my in-laws, it was too tiring. However I managed going shopping with my in-laws when it was 2 under 2 when they shop at places that I could take public transport with my kids home when they cannot take it anymore. For example, my in-laws shop from before the mall opens to closing time. My kids could only tolerate at most 2hrs of shopping, which includes napping in a double stroller.

I do enjoy shopping when it was just me and my kids (during the 2 under 2 stage) while my husband was at work. My late mom would sometimes accompany me and that was fine too because we would just rest at Starbucks inside the mall whenever we are tired and my mom would splurge on drinks for four of us. 
 

I am more of a minimalist because my homes have always been small so space is a premium and I need my “white space” at home. I appreciate not getting gifts so my relatives all give me cash and/or chocolates that they know I love. 

Over Thanksgiving it was just the girls.  The men were watching football. But other examples are like day trips with the kids.  I can't invite her husband because he's at work and the two of us are home with kids (my youngest is 8).   And honestly it's fine.  I offer but am not offended if she can't make it. But she also tells me she loves that stuff and she wants to come but then turns down opportunities.  So it's hard to know.   

The camping is group camping. She knows what it is because we've been doing it for years.   She has come once with her husband before they were married but now she tells me to invite her but then doesn't go.   Which again, it's fine but the reason it came up was for gifting purposes.  I don't really know for sure if she would like stuff related to outdoors like hiking or camping because she tells me she likes it but doesn't actually ever do those things.  They spend their vacation time traveling to see her relatives who aren't local (we are).  So it makes sense that it isn't the right time of life for a lot of those things.  

[kbutton]

37 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

Not depressed no but I think she could be diagnosed with clinical anxiety.  It is definitely complicated.   Sometimes it seems like she trusts me explicitly and other times very much not.  So yeah difficult relationship although I adore her and she is lovely.  

With 17 people opening over 100 presents having her get a gift card would be insulting.  She has to be able to open things. If they weren't at our house this year I could consider that but not with everyone else there too. 

I text my son for ideas and he said he had none and asked me back if I had any 😂😂

That does complicate things. She might also feel like she's in a holding pattern with a little one and not really able to enjoy her normal things, limited though they may be. It's hard to let other people do things with and for you if there is anxiety generally and even if the anxiety is not clinical but is due to life circumstances (as in kids that are intense or high needs, etc.).

I feel bad for her, but I really don't know that you can win if she won't meet you partway. 

If you get her a gift card, could you get something related to open with the card? For instance, if she would shop online for clothes, could you get her some really nice mittens or something "safe" for her to open with the gift card? 

What about something like this: https://www.mixtiles.com/ ? They have gift packages, and I don't think all the pictures have to be small or the same size. You could pass on digital copies of pictures you have taken that she might be interested in hanging (no strings attached to using those--just passing along her pics of her family, etc. that she might not have herself so that she doesn't have to ask). 

[Toocrazy!!]

Man, this is tough! I feel for you. This is a situation where you do your best and it is truly the thought that counts! 
 

What do she and her DH do when you babysit? If they go out- restaurant gift cards?

An Airbnb gift card for a localish staycation?

Instacart subscription so she doesn’t have to leave the house to shop? 
 

[skimomma]

As a minimalist myself that is outnumbered by my in-laws with regards to wishing the holidays could be less gift-focussed, I suggest you just level with her. "Look, DIL, I am going to get everyone x amount of gifts, including you.  I struggle to find what types of things you'd like.  Either give me some suggestions or I am going to wrap up a certificate of donation to whatever cause you suggest."  She might not even be willing to suggest a cause and if that is the case, take your best guess.  For some people, not being given gifts is a gift.  And for those people, being forced into the gifting madness is very stressful and upsetting.  

Also reading your last response, one idea would be vouchers for the airline club they travel through when visiting her family. Those are super handy when traveling with young children....especially for those with anxiety.....

 

[Arcadia]

6 minutes ago, busymama7 said:

.  They spend their vacation time traveling to see her relatives who aren't local (we are).  

Do they drive or fly? I would get practical gifts and just expect them to exchange for something they find more useful. 

[busymama7]

8 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

Do they drive or fly? I would get practical gifts and just expect them to exchange for something they find more useful. 

Fly.  And that's fine but this is year 5 and even coming up with practical is hard.   

My son said they would make a list 🎉🎉

[Ditto]

My suggestion is a family zoo membership (or something comparable depending on what is in their area).  Not fun but very practical would be a AAA membership. 

[Arcadia]

Just now, Ditto said:

Not fun but very practical would be a AAA membership. 

Especially the premium AAA membership. My husband has the cheapest kind and we nearly exceed the 5 miles tow distance.

[Carol in Cal.]

7 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

Especially the premium AAA membership. My husband has the cheapest kind and we nearly exceed the 5 miles tow distance.

Yes, a couple of times that 100 mile tow has really come in handy.

[Boymama5]

I know you don’t want to give a gift card but if she’s a minimalist and doesn’t want things, why not give something she can use?  It may feel impersonal to you but a gas card, grocery card, Amazon card is useful for her to chose what she does want to bring into the home. Otherwise get her whatever you want but be ok when it’s not used or given away. 

[Carol in Cal.]

When DD was a newborn, my MIL did the nicest thing for me.  She offered to come along while I did errands so that she could sit in the car with the baby.  This made everything go about 4X faster because I didn’t have to drag DD with me into each place, so I could just run in and pop back out.  Is there something along those lines that you could offer?

Or is there something sort of minimalist friendly that could be an indoor activity but one that is easy and that the kids could enjoy watching happen, like a bonsai kit, or even one of those hydroponic indoor veggie and herb gardens?  Those both have a sleek, modern, minimalist look.  So do those airplants, especially if they are planted in a calm clear glass wall planter.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle Again]

One of the nicest gifts my mom gave me was higher end cleaning supplies that I’d never have bought for myself.  She gave me a big cleaning caddy from Grove Collaborative filled with cleaning supplies.

It sounded like a crappy present but I really loved it.

[busymama7]

1 minute ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle Again said:

One of the nicest gifts my mom gave me was higher end cleaning supplies that I’d never have bought for myself.  She gave me a big cleaning caddy from Grove Collaborative filled with cleaning supplies.

It sounded like a crappy present but I really loved it.

Ok I have thought of that.   Especially to get some eco friendly products because she tends to use super toxic stuff, assuming it's just what she's used to. 

And so it's not pointed I can give it to all the married couples.  We generally do couple gifts mostly and 1 thing that is individual. 

[Kassia]

I didn't read all the responses but I have someone in our family like this.  I give her food, gift cards, a special ornament, and practical things like liquid hand soap, lip balm, hand sanitizer and/or travel pack of sanitizing wipes, dishtowels, etc.  I hate to always give her gift cards but that's the one thing I know she likes - usually Amazon and Etsy.  

 

 

Edited November 29, 2022 by Kassia