Is it rude to bring my own lunch to my mom’s when I visit?

[Indigo Blue]

My mom doesn’t have a microwave or an oven. Only a stove top. It’s because of some wiring that needs to be fixed that she and my brother haven’t yet had repaired. I live an hour from her, so I’ve had to brainstorm ways to take my lunch when I do visits that don’t need to be heated. I took a kale salad yesterday with grapes and pecans on top. When she saw it, she exclaimed, “How rude!” Because I didn’t bring her one. She usually makes her own lunch and often doesn’t even think that I will also need to eat, which is why I make sure to bring food. I just looked up with a startled and confused look on my face. She quickly said, “Oh, just kidding.”

Well, I walk on egg shells with her all the time and she can be passive aggressive. So it’s all confusing at times. I finally did say that I wasn’t trying to be rude and that I need to bring something from home because we don’t go out when it’s hot, which is true. 
 

This is a silly, petty thing. But is it rude for me to bring my lunch and not bring her something? I really don’t want to because I struggle constantly with my feelings regarding her, and I don’t feel like being that generous, for many, many reasons. I’m just there for a low contact, two hour or so visit. There was a time when I did feel that generous with her, but the last bit of that has finally been stomped out of me.
 

She did stand with her face right over my food to stare at it and even picked up my fork and picked at it a bit. 
 

How am I feel supposed to feel about this?

[JustEm]

No it isn't rude to bring your own lunch if the family culture is that people fend for themselves, which seems to be the case if she eat when you visit without offering you food.

[almondbutterandjelly]

You are supposed to feel that your mom lacks (or chooses to disregard) appropriate social skills. 
 

You might not want to go over at meal time.

[Kassia]

You're not being rude.  She's lucky you even visit.   If you want to avoid that unpleasantness, can you eat something on the drive to and/or from her home instead of eating while you're there?

[Jaybee]

It isn't rude if she eats in front of you without offering you anything. You can say that when you come over, she eats in front of you without offering you anything, so you decided to bring your own. However, from what you have said about her before, I probably wouldn't say anything, and would do as @perkysaid, and would avoid mealtime. Eat before or after you go, and just don't mention it. 

[KungFuPanda]

I’m with @perky, just avoid meal times. I’d eat on the way . . . even if it was my packed lunch in the car five minutes before arriving, and again when I left. I’d probably also go less often because who wants to drive two hours to feel like crap. 20 minutes on FaceTime is above and beyond. If I was feeling a certain way I’d put two baggies of trail mix in my purse and offer her one if I felt snacky 😬

[Indigo Blue]

10 minutes ago, perky said:

You are supposed to feel that your mom lacks (or chooses to disregard) appropriate social skills. 
 

You might not want to go over at meal time.

This is what I needed someone to tell me. That I’m not being mean for feeling irritated at that. Thanks. 

[Indigo Blue]

9 minutes ago, Kassia said:

You're not being rude.  She's lucky you even visit.   If you want to avoid that unpleasantness, can you eat something on the drive to and/or from her home instead of eating while you're there?

I have already thought about doing this. There is a lovely park on the way. I could pull over and have a quick, peaceful lunch, and keep a small snack like Kung Fu Panda suggested to eat later that she could have some of if she wanted. I could also just snack while she ate her lunch. 

[heartlikealion]

Based on the few posts I've read about your family dynamics, I am surprised you visit at all. To me a two hour visit is very generous. You could make it shorter, or avoid meal times... or even stick to email/phone calls. How often do you visit? 

When my mother was alive and able bodied she always stocked the house with food for all of us (like went out of her way to make sure she had people's favorites). My father is not as "on the ball" with that stuff so I often buy food when I visit him. We don't eat that many of the same foods. Just do whatever you gotta do. Don't feel bad. 

I agree in your situation, it might be best to just eat before you get there (even if it means pulling over and eating in the parking lot... though I'm not saying you should have to do that. It's just the type of thing I might do lol) 

[stephanier.1765]

I'm vegan so, if I'm visiting my parents at meal time, I often bring a meal with me. I hate her having to go that extra mile to make sure I have food. She's never said anything, one way or the other, so I'm hoping she's secretly relieved to not have to cater to my diet.

You, on the other hand, probably will be better off eating before you get there. Lunch sitting quietly at a park sounds lovely. That way you won't have to worry if she's offended and you get a moment before the visit to have a few quiet minutes to yourself.

[fairfarmhand]

I have an adult daughter and has a good relationship with both my mother and mil. This situation would not occur in any of those contexts. I wouldn’t think my dd was rude nor would my mil or mom think that of me.

 

[Kanin]

So when she starts eating her lunch, what would happen if you were like, "Hey mom, where's my portion?"

[Tanaqui]

Quote

 Is it rude to bring my own lunch to my mom’s when I visit?

Maybe, but who cares? She's rude to you all the time. I'm continually amazed that you even visit.

[catz]

I don't think it's rude at all in this context.  I'd probably give her a head up when you plan the visit "hey since I'm going to be there over the lunch hour, I'll just plan on packing something for myself.  See you Tuesday."  Or I'd eat drive over for a visit from 2 to 3, say you have to run.  Have a couple snacks in the car or use it as an excuse to swing by a coffee shop for the drive.  And you could just entirely avoid the whole food scene in her home.

I mean I could see it if you were like picking up take out and she was regularly sometimes prepping meals for you when you visit being somewhat rude.  But it sounds like she isn't a gracious host.  But with my mom, like when my kids were younger, we'd bring food and snacks all the time and she wouldn't care at all.

I'm also amazed you regularly visit.

[regentrude]

I think it is rude to eat in front of a guest without offering them food. So of course you have to bring your own if your mother is oblivious of basic hospitality.

If, otoh, she were too infirm to prepare food, then I would find it inconsiderate to bring your own and eat in front of her without having food for her, too.

Sounds all very strange and not like any family situation I ever encountered. 

Edited August 26, 2022 by regentrude

[Indigo Blue]

5 minutes ago, Kanin said:

So when she starts eating her lunch, what would happen if you were like, "Hey mom, where's my portion?"

To be fair, I have a difficult diet, and don’t expect her to accommodate that. But she’s not one to go out of her way to see that there’s anything I like there. This and lack of appliances is why I bring food. That’s okay. I really don’t mind. If it were reversed, I’d make an effort to keep things on hand. I do this for my sons when they visit. I don’t expect that of her, and it’s fine. I just felt funny when she said how rude. 

[Indigo Blue]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

I think it is rude to eat in front of a guest without odfering them food. So of course you have to bring your own if your mother is oblivious if basic hospitality.

If, otoh, she were too infirm to prepare food, then I would find it inconsiderate to bring your own and eat in front of her.

Sounds all very strange and not like any family situation I ever encountered. 

She’s completely independent. I wouldn’t eat my own food in front of an incapable person. 

[regentrude]

Just now, Indigo Blue said:

She’s completely independent. I wouldn’t eat my own food in front of an incapable person. 

Then she is the rude one, to eat in front of you without offering you food you can eat. Basic manners.

[Arcadia]

8 minutes ago, Kanin said:

So when she starts eating her lunch, what would happen if you were like, "Hey mom, where's my portion?"

Precisely. Unless you (general) have food allergies or insensitivities, the host should offer the guest food when the host is eating a meal/snack. For a two hour visit, I would be offered snacks and drinks by friends and relatives. My parents gave me full range to their house so I could easily cook anything.  
 

In your scenario, I might eat in the car before arrival because I hate eating with someone hovering. I don’t care about the snide remarks, I am used to pretending to be deaf.  

[Kanin]

8 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

To be fair, I have a difficult diet, and don’t expect her to accommodate that. But she’s not one to go out of her way to see that there’s anything I like there. This and lack of appliances is why I bring food. That’s okay. I really don’t mind. If it were reversed, I’d make an effort to keep things on hand. I do this for my sons when they visit. I don’t expect that of her, and it’s fine. I just felt funny when she said how rude. 

I agree it was strange. 😕 

Edited August 26, 2022 by Kanin

[Indigo Blue]

So many are wondering why I visit. I’ll try to explain…
 

My visits are every few weeks for a few hours with me keeping things light and surface level. 
 

That’s by my own choice. She doesn’t know that I think she is difficult. I have done lots of work on myself behind the scenes in the last few years. Slowly realizing our lives as a family aren’t/weren’t normal. She is covert/vulnerable. If I walk in and tell her why I’m never visiting again, my life will be very hard after. My brother would side with her unless I could somehow get through. He’s completely brainwashed. Conversation or not, it would just kick up so much dirt and sand. If I just simply stopped going, there would have to be a conversation eventually. She would not be the one in the wrong. I just can’t do that. I get along pretty well with things as they are and want to leave things be. Some days are just fine. I just have to not let topics go off the rails. She’s 80. I want to get through doing it this way, unless it becomes entirely necessary to change plans. I’m not the same as I was. She doesn’t know. I’m stronger in many ways, but I know I still deal with how things affect me. But I know it’s not my fault. I just separate her out from myself in my head. Sometimes she’s just an adult behaving badly and I try to know it’s not me. I know to walk out and leave if things get too intense.

[Indigo Blue]

13 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

I am used to pretending to be deaf.  

I need to do this. 
 

I won’t use her stove anymore. She just hovers and turns the heat up and down as she sees fit. Like, if she doesn’t stand right beside me and watch, I’m going to let it boil over. Done with that. 

[heartlikealion]

6 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

So many are wondering why I visit. I’ll try to explain…
 

My visits are every few weeks for a few hours with me keeping things light and surface level. 
 

That’s by my own choice. She doesn’t know that I think she is difficult. I have done lots of work on myself behind the scenes in the last few years. Slowly realizing our lives as a family aren’t/weren’t normal. She is covert/vulnerable. If I walk in and tell her why I’m never visiting again, my life will be very hard after. My brother would side with her unless I could somehow get through. He’s completely brainwashed. Conversation or not, it would just kick up so much dirt and sand. If I just simply stopped going, there would have to be a conversation eventually. She would not be the one in the wrong. I just can’t do that. I get along pretty well with things as they are and want to leave things be. Some days are just fine. I just have to not let topics go off the rails. She’s 80. I want to get through doing it this way, unless it becomes entirely necessary to change plans. I’m not the same as I was. She doesn’t know. I’m stronger in many ways, but I know I still deal with how things affect me. But I know it’s not my fault. I just separate her out from myself in my head. Sometimes she’s just an adult behaving badly and I try to know it’s not me. I know to walk out and leave if things get too intense.

That's understandable, but I hope you know that you can conveniently spread the visits out, too. Like instead of every 3 weeks, it's 4 weeks... then you're "not feeling well" or tired or whatever. You're busy. Busy can be anything. Right now it sounds like you're visiting out of obligation more so than actually wanting to visit. 

[Indigo Blue]

Just now, heartlikealion said:

That's understandable, but I hope you know that you can conveniently spread the visits out, too. Like instead of every 3 weeks, it's 4 weeks... then you're "not feeling well" or tired or whatever. You're busy. Busy can be anything. Right now it sounds like you're visiting out of obligation more so than actually wanting to visit. 

Oh, yes, I do spread it out more if I’m busy. It’s not entirely misery ALL the time; it’s hard to explain. I just things would be worse if I muddied the water. I really do. 

[Indigo Blue]

I just literally needed to hear that I wasn’t being irrationally angry. I know this makes no sense probably, but I just did. 

 

[Jaybee]

15 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I just literally needed to hear that I wasn’t being irrationally angry. I know this makes no sense probably, but I just did. 

 

It makes perfect sense. She has gaslit you into thinking her actions are normal. Nothing at all wrong with checking in to see if it is normal to others. 

ETA: My relationship with my mom is very easy and comfortable. If I were to go at mealtime, either she would have invited me ahead of time to eat with her or I would have told her ahead of time that I was bringing lunch (more likely because I know she rarely gets out and it would be a treat). If I walked in on her eating, she might not offer, but if I were hungry, I would be welcome to see what she had on hand. If I called at the last minute and asked if I could bring lunch and she was already eating, I'd ask if she minded if I brought mine to eat along with her. Any way you look at it, there would be no drama and no offense.

Edited August 26, 2022 by Jaybee

[Indigo Blue]

Definitely going to try to eat before going and see how that goes. I’ll just say I’ve already eaten, but you go ahead and get whatever you want. 

[Indigo Blue]

Just now, Jaybee said:

It makes perfect sense. She has gaslit you into thinking her actions are normal. Nothing at all wrong with checking in to see if it is normal to others. 

Thank you soooo much, Jaybee.

[Harriet Vane]

For a frame of reference on "normal"--

My darling mother-in-law, who passed away last year, always went above and beyond to have food in the house for everyone. From the first, if she caught any hint that I liked something in particular, it would magically appear either at the next visit or sometime that very day or weekend because she'd send FIL to the store. She made me feel like such a princess. She did this for all her loved ones.

And although they really, really struggled to wrap their minds around my ds' lactose intolerance, they worked very hard at making sure he had safe treats at their house.

And now that I have adult children, I go waaaaaay out of my way to follow my much-beloved MIL's example and make sure I serve food they like and avoid food they don't like. I hosted Easter, and my son-in-law does not like eggs. I forgot until dd reminded me quietly the night before. I whipped up a batch of pancakes just for him, quietly and without fuss, because I never, ever want him to feel unwelcome or uncomfortable or left out in my home. And it did make him feel special--I could see it on his face and he made a point of thanking us.

I miss my husband's parents badly, to be honest. They were a treasure, and I am so grateful for the love they showed and the example they set.

[Kassia]

I totally agree with @Jaybeeabout it making perfect sense.  ❤️ 

 

[Kassia]

5 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

 

And now that I have adult children, I go waaaaaay out of my way to follow my much-beloved MIL's example and make sure I serve food they like and avoid food they don't like. I hosted Easter, and my son-in-law does not like eggs. I forgot until dd reminded me quietly the night before. I whipped up a batch of pancakes just for him, quietly and without fuss, because I never, ever want him to feel unwelcome or uncomfortable or left out in my home. And it did make him feel special--I could see it on his face and he made a point of thanking us.

 

I have tried to do this with my adult children's SOs and it has backfired on me.  I do it out of love and wanting to make everyone feel welcome and loved but instead it seems like one person in particular feels uncomfortable with me doing anything special for them.  I don't make a fuss or anything like that - just make sure I have special food preferences or alternates if there's something I know they don't like.  It's very frustrating and disappointing. 

[Harriet Vane]

Just now, Kassia said:

I have tried to do this with my adult children's SOs and it has backfired on me.  I do it out of love and wanting to make everyone feel welcome and loved but instead it seems like one person in particular feels uncomfortable with me doing anything special for them.  I don't make a fuss or anything like that - just make sure I have special food preferences or alternates if there's something I know they don't like.  It's very frustrating and disappointing. 

That IS frustrating and disappointing. That seems like a them-problem and not a you-problem? Because I think most people appreciate that they are kept in mind and that efforts are made to make them feel special and comfortable.

[Tanaqui]

First of all, you're never being irrationally angry, because your mother is infuriating.

Secondly, even if you were, I refer you back to my first comment: so what? So what if your anger is totally uncalled for in this one specific situation? It's *generally* called for, because your mother is infuriating.

Go and write that down. "It's okay if I'm angry, because I have a lot of things to be angry about." Then pin it somewhere you'll see it every single day.

[Drama Llama]

I think that yes, it's rude.  If you have a healthy loving relationship with someone, and you were bringing food to their home, especially a home that doesn't already have resources for making food, the polite thing would be to bring enough to share.  

I also think that inviting you over, and serving herself a meal while serving you nothing, is incredibly rude, and that sometimes when people are either obnoxious or obtuse it puts us in a position where we need to be rude back to protect ourselves.  So, I think you're justified in protecting yourself from hunger.

Having said that, I think that rather than suffering her company for as long as you do, I'd have a shorter lunch and a nice peaceful picnic before or after.  But that's not because it's rude, it's because I think 2 hours sounds too long to put up with her. 

[HS Mom in NC]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

  When she saw it, she exclaimed, “How rude!”  I just looked up with a startled and confused look on my face. She quickly said, “Oh, just kidding.”

I agree that it's perfectly fine to bring your own lunch if it's the norm for people to do their own thing for lunches in the past rather than one person providing lunch for everyone.

If you want to bring enough for everyone, do it with realistic expectations.  She will likely say passive aggressive or nasty things to you about your choices of food without any gratitude at all. Do it because you want to do it, not because you want/need/expect any acknowledgement or appreciation. It's important to stay grounded in cold hard reality at all times. This is no place for idealism.

It's also agree that it's a good idea to avoid meal times if you want to bypass the whole thing for the sake of simplicity.

[kristin0713]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

She did stand with her face right over my food to stare at it and even picked up my fork and picked at it a bit. 
 

THIS is rude. 

I didn't read all the replies, but I do not at all think it is rude to bring your own food and not bring food for her. Unless she is injured or ill and unable to prepare her own food for some reason - in that situation, I would definitely bring food for her. Under normal circumstances, no, not rude. I would do that with anyone in my family (parents, siblings) and it would not cause any sort of stir. FWIW, we have a very healthy dynamic in my family and great communication. 

[Indigo Blue]

49 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I have tried to do this with my adult children's SOs and it has backfired on me.  I do it out of love and wanting to make everyone feel welcome and loved but instead it seems like one person in particular feels uncomfortable with me doing anything special for them.  I don't make a fuss or anything like that - just make sure I have special food preferences or alternates if there's something I know they don't like.  It's very frustrating and disappointing. 

Wow, it would make me sad if I were trying to make things special and they were prickly about it. From my perspective, they are lucky that they have someone in their life who puts that much thought into it. It’s sad that they don’t know any better than to not take it for granted. 

[Tiberia]

Given all your circumstances, I don't think you were rude. You will never win with her. If you had brought something for her, it would not have been right. She will always find a scab to pick with you. I wouldn't even play the game; eat before or after. I wouldn't even snack when she eats. She'll find a way to find fault with your snacks. I would just say you're not hungry. Stay polite, but never be hungry.

But then, she will probably find a new topic to pick at. She will never let you win if you play her games, and she will always find new games. I admire you for not cutting her completely off, and I'm glad you've learned so much about yourself. Keep up the good work! 

[Denise in IN]

No, you are not irrational.  Your mom's behavior has been rude.  It seems like she will put you in a "no win" situation with this regardless of what you do.  So eat before you go, and take yourself out of that position.  If you wish, take a simple snack that is enough to share with her, but if she responds weirdly or negatively to that, I'd either stop or no longer take a sharing amount.  

[SKL]

I think if you bring something for yourself, you should at least offer to bring for others, unless you know for sure they have plans for their own food.

Reading the header, I thought you were going to ask whether it was rude to not just eat whatever your mom serves.  I don't think that's rude either, but again, I would communicate beforehand so they don't prepare / waste a portion for you, and so they don't take it as an insult about their food offerings.

[SKL]

3 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

To be fair, I have a difficult diet, and don’t expect her to accommodate that. But she’s not one to go out of her way to see that there’s anything I like there. This and lack of appliances is why I bring food. That’s okay. I really don’t mind. If it were reversed, I’d make an effort to keep things on hand. I do this for my sons when they visit. I don’t expect that of her, and it’s fine. I just felt funny when she said how rude. 

I keep a stock for myself at my folks' house if I want my preferred stuff to be there.  For example, a jar of my favorite instant coffee.  My dad is the type to go out of his way to accommodate, even if it hurts him, which is definitely not what I want.  I'm the young spry one.  😛  If he were visiting me, I'd make sure I had stuff he likes over here, kuz I'm the young spry one.  😛

[SKL]

2 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

I just literally needed to hear that I wasn’t being irrationally angry. I know this makes no sense probably, but I just did.

Angry because she joked "how rude" and clarified that it was a joke?  I don't think that's rational.

I do understand there's a lot more to the story, but no, that specific moment is not something to be angry about.

Surprised, confused, eyeroll-y, those reactions I understand.

[Alicia64]

Food or no food. . .  the way she's acting is awful.

[mathnerd]

Very generally, without a background of complicated relationships, if I were eating in front of anyone, I would offer them food and go out of my way to bring enough for everyone when I visit. If I visit someone unexpectedly during mealtimes, be it a friend or relative, they have always offered something or other to me, including a part of their meal, a drink, a snack or sometimes rushed to the kitchen to make an extra dish so that there was enough for everyone. This is basic hospitality and kindness. It has happened this way with even coworkers, my kid's tutor, my kid's piano teacher etc who have offered their packed lunches or snacks if they notice us not eating while they eat. 

Having said that, with your mother, there will always be a problem no matter how you approach the food issue. She will find fault if you offer her your lunch, she will complain if she has to provide you food etc. I think that part of grey rocking is to intentionally avoid problematic interactions with the party who is covert and manipulative. 

4 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

Definitely going to try to eat before going and see how that goes. I’ll just say I’ve already eaten, but you go ahead and get whatever you want. 

This is the perfect solution. Do not have any interactions with her where a meal is involved. Time your visit such that you leave your home right after you eat, don't eat a snack at her place. Always politely insist that you already ate and don't need anything. When you leave, either eat a snack in the car or go to your favorite place to pick up a coffee or a treat and proceed with the day. 

[Shoeless]

Not irrational, not rude. Your mom doesn't play by normal people rules so it's pointless to apply normal people etiquette to the situation. 

Your mom would find offence with Dolly Parton, who I'm convinced is the nicest person on the planet. 

[Catwoman]

I have to admit that it would never occur to bring food for myself without bringing food for the person I was visiting. But if someone was visiting me, and I knew they had a special diet, I would be sure to make or buy them something I knew was safe for them to eat. 

[shawthorne44]

14 hours ago, SKL said:

Angry because she joked "how rude" and clarified that it was a joke?  I don't think that's rational.

I do understand there's a lot more to the story, but no, that specific moment is not something to be angry about.

Surprised, confused, eyeroll-y, those reactions I understand.

 

Just because she later said it was a joke, doesn't mean it was a joke.  
I love the Schrodinger's Douchebag label.   I need to tell DH about that.  

 

[Indigo Blue]

I used to cook for her at her house and bring her stuff all the time. I just no longer feel like making a big effort for someone that is prone to outbursts of irrational rage. Bringing her food after being treated this way just feels wrong. It’s like trying to be nice and bringing a bone to a dog that will bite you. I still do things…I’ve planted flowers, arranged her living room….it gives us stuff to do while I’m there. She eats a very simple lunch and usually has what she needs already made in the fridge. 

The last time I made salad, she just walked over with a dish in her hand and said scoop some of that out for me. I wouldn’t mind that if we had a different kind of relationship. 

This thread has helped confirm my thinking, and I see that I need to do better in avoiding food issues. 

[Indigo Blue]

8 hours ago, MissLemon said:

Your mom would find offence with Dolly Parton, who I'm convinced is the nicest person on the planet. 

I agree. I love her. If she has a hidden personality, I just don’t want to know. I think I’m sadly but justifiably skeptical. 

[Forget-Me-Not]

Under the circumstances you describe, it doesn’t sound rude. It sounds like she wanted what you had this time (evidenced by her picking at it—rude on her part), therefore decided you were rude this time for not bringing any for her. 
 

I would just do what others suggested and eat in the park before or after (after sounds like a good decompression exercise!).