Things people say that rub you wrong?

[Indigo Blue]

@Quill I remember the times a popular girl in high school would do or say something that wasn’t so nice and I’d come home upset. My mom used to tell me, “Don’t pay her any attention. You are way prettier than she is.” Being so young and not so emotionally mature, I would think to myself, “I am?” It took a lot of wising up for me to see the unwise parenting that was. I was sad and the messaging I got was ‘the thing that someone did to you doesn’t matter because you are prettier’.

 

My mom, too, was astoundingly beautiful. She tells me stories of how the boys would swoon over her and tell her how she had the most gorgeous eyes. She placed/places a tremendous amount of emphasis on people’s appearance to this day. My poor niece, who is very beautiful, has been at the receiving end of this, too. At 16, she’d quite often tell my niece as they were walking through the mall that “That boy over there is staring at you.” She’d even say, “He’s looking at your butt.” She was always hyper focused on it. I think that is damaging to a young girl, and it used to bother me so much that she influenced my niece to be so hyper aware of her appearance.
 

She and I were sitting in a restaurant a few years ago. She pointed to a man and said, “He keeps looking at you.” That just made me come out of a happy blissfully unaware state of enjoying my food to now being compelled to take a few glances to see if someone was staring, which turned out to not even be true sometimes. 

When my son grew his hair long, she didn’t like it and she would often tell me so behind his back. I just ignored her and thought, well he’s an adult and can wear his hair the way he wants. 

 

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Also wanted to add, Re: Pretty:

Because I grew up constantly hearing versions of this from my mother, it is something I very, VERY rarely say to anyone, especially my kids. As my kids were growing up, I almost never said any version of “you have an appealing mix of genetic and style features”. Once in a while, if they were all fancied up for a dance or a wedding or something, I might say, “You look gorgeous!” But mostly not. 
 

My mother would think she’s being encouraging but it simply felt like pressure. She would tell other people things like, “You’ll know when my daughter gets here because she will be the most gorgeous woman here.” I HATE that!! Because, first of all, I guarantee *nobody* wants to hear that as a description of who to expect. Secondly, they are evaluating me when I do show up, and are no doubt thinking, “she’s not *so gorgeous*. She looks okay but look at the way her XYZ…” I just don’t want people to have some great expectation that a gorgeous woman is about to show up. 
 

My mother has a multitude of health issues now and there’s not much danger she’s going to call me beautiful again soon, but I do not miss it. I’m sure I would like to hear it once in a blue moon from *somebody* (my husband does say this when I’m fancied up), but in general, it’s not a compliment I like hearing very much. I do think, as we pass and then surpass fifty, it’s going to be said or even thought increasing less often. I guess that too is a reason I don’t want to hear how pretty I am - it does not last. My mother herself was once one of the most strikingly beautiful women I have ever known but you wouldn’t guess that now. Health problems have taken over. 

I try to encourage my dds who’ve worked in customer service to compliment older ladies on their “pretty” features, their eyes, their clothing, an interesting piece of jewelry, their smile, because sadly, it’s like older ladies become invisible. Do yo I think I’m steering my girls wrong? I figure any older lady might enjoy a compliment on her appearance. Maybe I’m wrong. 

[Indigo Blue]

16 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I try to encourage my dds who’ve worked in customer service to compliment older ladies on their “pretty” features, their eyes, their clothing, an interesting piece of jewelry, their smile, because sadly, it’s like older ladies become invisible. Do yo I think I’m steering my girls wrong? I figure any older lady might enjoy a compliment on her appearance. Maybe I’m wrong. 

I don’t think so. I think that’s sweet. ETA, sorry, though. You weren’t asking me. 😬

Edited August 28, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[MercyA]

33 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I try to encourage my dds who’ve worked in customer service to compliment older ladies on their “pretty” features, their eyes, their clothing, an interesting piece of jewelry, their smile, because sadly, it’s like older ladies become invisible. Do yo I think I’m steering my girls wrong? I figure any older lady might enjoy a compliment on her appearance. Maybe I’m wrong. 

I know you're not asking me, either, but I think this is very sweet. Most people enjoy genuine compliments. There are times when a compliment has made my day. 

I do often compliment people myself--strangers and people I know--and now I'm wondering if I'm unintentionally offending anyone. My DH says you should never remark on anyone's appearance if you don't know them. 🤷‍♀️Sometimes someone's hair is so pretty or someone is wearing a clever or kind t-shirt or a family just looks so joyful together and I tell them so. 

Edited August 28, 2022 by MercyA

[Ann.without.an.e]

@Quill @Indigo Blue

 

Do you think it was a generational thing? 
My grandmothers and mom put so much emphasis on beauty with women too. I’m pretty average so I never had to face this from them. My mom would often say to me when I was young “you’d be so pretty if ….. (you’d lose weight, you’d wear make up, etc, etc).

I mean they came from generations where that was what a woman could do best - please the eyes of a man. 

Edited August 28, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Tree Frog]

41 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I try to encourage my dds who’ve worked in customer service to compliment older ladies on their “pretty” features, their eyes, their clothing, an interesting piece of jewelry, their smile, because sadly, it’s like older ladies become invisible. Do yo I think I’m steering my girls wrong? I figure any older lady might enjoy a compliment on her appearance. Maybe I’m wrong. 

I think there's a difference between a feature or item they're wearing being beautiful and being told generically that they're beautiful or pretty. I think, too, as we age, cultural forces push women to maintain their youthful attractiveness. By acknowledging one area of beauty (physical beauty, mental/emotional beauty, item of clothing), you're allowing the woman to be dignified without the societal expectation of youthful beauty at all costs. 

[Tree Frog]

12 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

you’d be so pretty if

I got some of this, too. Even as an adult, I've been told, "I wish you would lose some weight. Then you'd be _______" (whatever she felt was important at the time.) 

[heartlikealion]

I comment on stranger’s items sometimes and they usually smile. Like in the drive thru line… “I like your nails” (I never get mine done). I think generally people I encounter appreciate it. 
 

to clarify I mean the employee’s nails - not a car in front of me lol. I might comment on hair or clothing but not usually eyes, teeth etc. 

Edited August 28, 2022 by heartlikealion

[El...]

I always comment on t-shirts; I enjoy a snarky shirt! I prefer not to compliment something the person can't control. I mean, I love your red hair? What's a person to respond? Thanks, my parents got it for me? But I might love someone's artistic hairstyle or clothes, especially if they're unique. I guess I'm really complimenting their taste. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

Maybe I handled it wrong but I really pushed with my dd's that beauty is very subjective and most people are average. When you really look at someone, like 98% are average and what changes is simply how much work they put into their appearance. What we may think of at first glance as pretty may just be done up or polished. Some women put a lot of money in their appearance or have had work done to look different, and there's nothing wrong with that if it is a priority for them. There is that rare percent or two of people who are just really naturally gorgeous or who are truly not easy to look at, but most of us are just average. I also emphasized that almost every single person has certain features that are pretty or stand out. But, yes, I'm the mom who told my girls, "eh, you're average. most of us are. pretty isn't a big deal". I think mostly trying to combat our society's weird obsession with beauty to the point where we are pouring massive amounts of time and money to achieve a look and still feeling like we aren't enough. It is not healthy and it is a rat race that will be lost, as y'all said, at least with age. 

Edited August 28, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Indigo Blue]

56 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I mean they came from generations where that was what a woman could do best - please the eyes of a man. 

I think this is true, but in my mom’s case it’s a more toxic thing. It’s really hard to explain and sounds harsh, but it just feels different. She is truly focused on appearance in a strange way. 
 

Also, I don’t think it’s good to say ,”You’d be prettier if ————-.” Sometimes a non narcissistic person doesn’t mean that in a harmful way, though. But narcissistic people say this a lot. I didn’t know this was a potentially narcissistic (typical) comment until I learned about narcissism. 

[Garga]

58 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

@Quill @Indigo Blue

 

Do you think it was a generational thing? 
My grandmothers and mom put so much emphasis on beauty with women too. I’m pretty average so I never had to face this from them. My mom would often say to me when I was young “you’d be so pretty if ….. (you’d lose weight, you’d wear make up, etc, etc).

I mean they came from generations where that was what a woman could do best - please the eyes of a man. 

I wonder that. My mother visited from Arizona a few weeks ago. My sons haven’t seen here in a good 4 years, and before then they only met her about 3 times.  

Now that they’re 17 and 19 they were seeing her with more adult eyes than with child eyes.

Every time my mother talked about someone that was overweight, she would just have to comment on their weight. Usually she would say, “They are very, very overweight, but you’d like them, because they’re (funny, smart, whatever.)” 

The implication was always that she seemed to think that if we discovered someone was overweight, we would immediately hate them or disdain them, and she was trying to assure us that these overweight people were worthy because they were funny/smart/whatever.

My boys were really confused by all this. In our world, we don’t disparage anyone because of their weight. We have friends of all sizes and it never comes up for us to talk about their weight.

I explained that my mother hasn’t changed from the 80s and even into the 90s where fat shaming and fat jokes were everywhere and acceptable. She doesn’t realize that the world has moved on and doesn’t do that anymore. She is the sort who wouldn’t like fat shaming/fat jokes, but she thinks that the world is still set up that way, so she is trying in an odd and awkward way, to indicate to us that everyone has value. 

So, yes, I think it could be generational. 

[Indigo Blue]

I also don’t think putting effort into your appearance is wrong. I hope I didn’t give that impression. I mean, a really pretty girl who dresses nice and is into fashion and beauty isn’t automatically narcissistic. Not at all. It’s not wrong to do that. 

[Indigo Blue]

1 hour ago, MercyA said:

I'm wondering if I'm unintentionally offending anyone.

No. I don’t think so! You know, this thread is about things that rub us the wrong way, and it’s fun to have these discussions. Sometimes, though, don’t you think we are to the point of where we have to worry way too much about every single word that comes out of our mouths? Should we just walk around with duct tape over our mouth? Lol. 
 

If anyone taking offense, the tape thing was a joke. 😛
 

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

Just now, Indigo Blue said:

 

If anyone taking offense, the tape thing was a joke. 😛
 

 

I’d have to know details on the color and size of tape to decide if I’ll be offended or not 😂

 

[Ann.without.an.e]

I also think a lesson learned here is that anyone can be offended by almost anything and we can also offend someone very unknowingly. So what we need to give each other is a big old heap of grace and patience. Also something I practice is to not assume the worst intentions of someone. I drive my kids crazy because I won’t assume the worst. They just don’t know or they had a bad day or they’re unaware or have ASD. One time my daughter said “you’d never admit that some people are just jerks, would you?”

oops 😂

[Indigo Blue]

3 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

I also think a lesson learned here is that anyone can be offended by almost anything and we can also offend someone very unknowingly. So what we need to give each other is a big old heap of grace and patience.

Very true!!

 

4 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

some people are just jerks

Also true!!

[Ann.without.an.e]

28 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Sometimes, though, don’t you think we are to the point of where we have to worry way too much about every single word that comes out of our mouths? Should we just walk around with duct tape over our mouth? Lol. 
 

 

 

Thinking on this more. Or we could just try our best and not worry about it? Ofc we never go out of our way to offend someone and we should be culturally aware where we can but to a degree we have to know that something we say or do will sometimes rub someone wrong and it is ok. That’s life. 

Edited August 28, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Indigo Blue]

5 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Thinking on this more. Or we could just try our best and not worry about it? Ofc we never go out of our way to offend someone and we should be culturally aware where we can but to a degree we have to know that something we say or do will sometimes rub someone wrong and it is ok. That’s life. 

Agreeing!

And this made me think of all the gender preferences. All the young people have it all down, but I have spent a lot of time looking up terms and still am confused. But I want to understand and not offend. It’s just hard. So many faux pas waiting to happen. Talk about needing some grace. It’s a hard time to be a “boomer”. And that’s another thing. Ok Boomer may be offensive. Isn’t it? I guess sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. Depends on who says it and the context? I think that CAN be offensive. I need my tape. 🫢

[Ann.without.an.e]

7 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Agreeing!

And this made me think of all the gender preferences. All the young people have it all down, but I have spent a lot of time looking up terms and still am confused. But I want to understand and not offend. It’s just hard. So many faux pas waiting to happen. Talk about needing some grace. It’s a hard time to be a “boomer”. And that’s another thing.

It comes back to the heart of it. It takes grace on both sides. If you’re being mean about their gender preferences then that’s offensive. If they’re being mean because you got it wrong the that’s not nice. It takes a simple, open, humble convo of “how would you like me to refer to you?” Or “this is how I’d like to be referred to.” And then respecting each other. Any age can do that. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

10 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

And that’s another thing. Ok Boomer may be offensive. Isn’t it? I guess sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. Depends on who says it and the context? I think that CAN be offensive. I need my tape. 🫢

Ok so funny, oldest ds says this to me just to bug me and it IS offensive because I’m barely Gen X. I’m only two years older than the Millennial cut off 😂 

[heartlikealion]

14 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Agreeing!

And this made me think of all the gender preferences. All the young people have it all down, but I have spent a lot of time looking up terms and still am confused. But I want to understand and not offend. It’s just hard. So many faux pas waiting to happen. Talk about needing some grace. It’s a hard time to be a “boomer”. And that’s another thing. Ok Boomer may be offensive. Isn’t it? I guess sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. Depends on who says it and the context? I think that CAN be offensive. I need my tape. 🫢

I just learned a new sexual preference identification term recently (omnisexual). I can’t keep up. I’m not a boomer. 

[Garga]

I’ve never heard anyone say “Ok Boomer” and not mean for it to be an insult, unless it was someone acknowledging that it’s meant to be an insult, but turning it around and using it to jokingly insult—like when Anne.without.an.e’s son says it just to joke around and yank her chain. 

But normally, “Ok Boomer” is meant the same way a sigh and eyeroll is meant—dismissive and dervisive. (In my experience.)

Edited August 28, 2022 by Garga

[Pawz4me]

14 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

And that’s another thing. Ok Boomer may be offensive. Isn’t it? I guess sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. Depends on who says it and the context? I think that CAN be offensive. I need my tape. 🫢

Hah! Finally somebody mentioned something that actually does rub me the wrong way. Full disclosure: I'm on the tail end of the Boomers. I despise with a fiery hot passion whenever anyone makes sweeping judgments or generalizations about any "generation." As if many, many millions of people in a wide (sometimes very wide) age range are a monolith.

I wish the whole "generation" thing would go away. It serves no useful purpose regardless of what silly "generation" is being talked about.

I do agree about language surrounding gender issues. Just when I think I'm getting a somewhat decent grasp on what's appropriate it changes or two dozen new terms are added.  It stifles what could be productive conversations.

[BlsdMama]

On 8/26/2022 at 5:32 PM, teachermom2834 said:

Everytime we have one of these threads I find things I must stop doing so I don't annoy nice people like my imaginary friends.

Wait...does calling our online community "imaginary friends" set someone off? 

Yes! I think I'd double-think less (fewer times?) if I didn't know the insides of Hive members' brains.

The real thing that bothers me, "You didn't figure out what causes that?" (Insert obnoxious guffaws.)

I have heard it no fewer than 100 times (not hyperbole) and it is neither unique nor cute.  If you ask me how many children I have and you're shocked, a, "Wow! That's a lot of kids," is totally acceptable.  ANY remark regarding sex in any insinuated form? Not okay and I might smile politely or tease you, but I'm gritting my teeth just a little and reminding myself that you don't know my kids have heard this remark to their parent(s) 342 times.

Edited August 28, 2022 by BlsdMama

[Guest]

Re: multiple posts about a woman’s beauty

Definitely there is a generational component. My mother talked about beauty and appearance quite excessively until only about 5-7 years ago. I even remember her one time saying she thought the following combinations were prettiest: dark hair with blue eyes (her own, incidentally), blonde hair with blue eyes (my sister), then blonde hair with dark brown eyes. She did not like any type of ginger hair or freckled skin. She viewed that as a flaw. I remember when I was shopping for my wedding gown, my mother afterwards commented about another bride who was buying a sleeveless gown despite her very freckled arms. “She should cover that up!” I did not notice the looks of anyone else shopping for gowns in the first place, much less assess their choices based on how worthy their arms were of display. 
 

I don’t have any particular opinion as to whether or not a sales person should make comments based on appearance; I suppose in certain contexts it’s good. Like when I was looking for brow color and the assistant at Ulta said I have a good natural brow shape anyway. I do remember once I was having my oil changed and the young guy at the counter complimented my earrings, lol. That did feel kind of weird! It made me think someone must have coached him to find something to compliment on us “old ladies”. Or maybe he was looking for a Cougar, lol. 
 

Re: “warning” about someone not being thin

My SIL did that when I was going to meet her son’s gf (whom he married). “Well, she’s a bit chubbier but she’s getting her doctorate…I think you’ll like her…” I was just like ??? Do you think I’m going to frog-march her out the driveway because she’s not a size 6? Why does it matter what size she is anyway? It was a weird conversation. 

[Alice]

On 8/26/2022 at 12:19 PM, ericathemom said:

I've got some petty for you. 😉

In our church, the previous ministry leader wrote a song that the congregation then sung frequently. It's generally a decent modern song about God's dependability. My beef with it is the lyric that goes "You haven't failed me yet." Yet! "Yet" implies that something might still happen. "I haven't gotten a raise yet." "I haven't been late to work yet." These all mean that these actions could still happen. This song spends so much time focused on the "yet" that I keep expecting to hear from the music guy about a time that God did indeed fail him. Like, God tried and all to be dependable but just couldn't. 🤷‍♀️ And! It'd be an easy fix to get rid of the "yet." 

So, I just fix it in my mind when that song comes up. But I also grumble in my heart. 😉 

I'm a pediatrician and when I ask people if their kids have food or drug allergies the answer is often "no, not yet" which I find a really weirdly pessimistic response. 

On 8/26/2022 at 3:00 PM, JessieC said:

 

I also really dislike being called "mom" by pediatricians and the like. Would it be so hard to look down at the chart and learn my name? It makes me feel like this interchangeable "mom" figure and not a person.

I have to admit to being guilty of this...I don’t like doing it and I wouldn’t like it myself. I don’t do it often but the other thing to realize is that some people get really offended if you call them by the wrong name. I don’t always know if the person in the room has the same last name as the child, if I don’t know them well. The way our EMR system works it would take me three or four clicks away from the progress note to find the page with the parent info to see if the Mom’s name is listed as the same as the child’s. And I personally try to not take the computer in the room because I feel like it makes me look less at the patient when talking. I generally just have a pad of paper to jot down notes and then I chart later. So I don’t have the chart with the name. You could argue I could just ask....I’ve done that and had people get mad at the assumption that their name isn’t the same. And some people get mad at being called Mrs. ______, they want to go by the first name. Where others get offended if we use their first name as it seems to imply less respect. Or I could use a generic term of address like Ma'am...but you see where that would go by this thread. 

Add all that to all the issues surrounding the kids name for pediatricians....what is the nickname, do they go by a different name (and parents will get really mad if you get that wrong even if you saw the kid once five years ago), correct gender (and not just for transgender kids)...parents get really mad if you use the wrong gender for a baby even if they name it something very traditionally the other gender (like Bob for a boy). 

So most of the time I just avoid using a parent’s name unless I know for sure what they want to be called. It would be rare to resort to saying Mom as a form of address but I know I have done it and I admit I cringe a little when I do. I probably could be better about asking someone what they want to be called, but when it’s a quick interaction I just often don’t. 

I would say all that is true for anyone in any kind of public service kind of employment. For everyone who hates Ma'am, someone else thinks it’s wonderful (my Mom). I try to remember that when I go somewhere and the gas station person calls me sweetie. Unless it’s said with a leer, I try and assume good intentions. 

17 hours ago, Quill said:

Where I live, it is a very specific regionalism to call people “Hon” or “Honey”. *I* dont do it - I specifically trained myself to drop some of the regionalisms I grew up with - but it never bothers me when someone says that. It’s typically an older woman in a job like cashier. They say it to everyone. It is part of their normal speech. 
 

If I was going to be bothered every time someone called me Hon, I couldn’t shop in Baltimore or on the eastern shore at all. Heh.

See I like Hon when I’m in Baltimore because it is so regional. 

2 hours ago, elroisees said:

I always comment on t-shirts; I enjoy a snarky shirt! I prefer not to compliment something the person can't control. I mean, I love your red hair? What's a person to respond? Thanks, my parents got it for me? But I might love someone's artistic hairstyle or clothes, especially if they're unique. I guess I'm really complimenting their taste. 

As someone with red hair, I applaud this. I used to get asked all the time as a kid "Oh I love your red hair, where did it come from?" because both my parents have dark hair. It was so annoying. I had a lot of snarky answers, my favorite just being "Sears" and then walking away. Not really my most polite moments but man did that question get old. 

I also try and avoid commenting on anything that people can’t control related to their appearance. 

[Soror]

If I think someone looks nice or I like something they are wearing, they impress me in some way I try to give a compliment-- and I genuinely mean them. -- ones I can remember offhand-- older lady at pickleball- nice strong shoulders, another lady-- loved her tennis shoes--  (and lots of them-- great serve/return/etc) -one of the kid's friends on her bday- your outfit is so cute-- another when they were doing swimming-- you have strong legs. Those compliments are never things like- you're pretty or thin-- those are just weird things to say to me. 

I don't remember my Mom commenting on beauty so much but lots on size. I try not to make value judgements on size-- most especially to or around my girls. 

I sometimes get comments about my size. They are nearly always awkward. I hate when people make comments to the effect that I don't eat much and that is why I'm thin. I've always been a very hearty eater. Anyone around me at all knows that I eat a good amount and often. I try to keep to healthier choices but I do not ever starve myself (and my mom did lots of crash diets so I'm very opposed to doing so as I don't want to set that example). 

My oldest daughter has always got compliments about how pretty she is. That is not generally something I say to her-- if she's dressing up for a special occasion-- yes but not randomly throughout the day. Day to day I'd compliment her to tell her she looks nice but not pretty or such. I also never compliment my younger 2 on their thinness. I don't want to put that up as an idol, although I believe health is very important. I'd rather stress good choices and habits. 

Just the other day someone gushed about my hair. I loved that. I recently got it cut (several inches off and a different style) and really like it and think it is flattering, no one outside of my daughters have said a thing. Mom and MIL said you got a lot of hair cut off, no one else even mentioned it. 

I have started to get compliments that I look young for my age. I enjoy those also 🙂 Some days I feel pretty haggard so I like to hear that maybe I don't always look like I feel. Dh compliments me all the time telling me I'm pretty. It is entirely excessive. His love language is words of affirmation. It drives me a bit nuts tbh.

[marbel]

"I'm such a nerd!" as a way to explain their reason for enjoying a topic of study, a genre of book or movie, etc. People can enjoy something without being a type. 

On a more serious note: in my work for a bank, doing phone customer service... people who love to point out how wealthy they are as if I am going to be drooling over the possibility of them depositing there and fawning over them. Even worse if they try to be folksy about it, as in "Well I'm one of these rich old guys..." Ugh, get off my phone.

[*****]

19 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Ma’am is cultural.

I agree, that can be true.  For me, it was the sudden realization that I was getting older.  I no longer was referred to as 'Miss', but 'Ma'am'. 

[*****]

4 hours ago, Ann.without.an.e said:

Do you think it was a generational thing? 
My grandmothers and mom put so much emphasis on beauty with women too.

Idk, but it is still happening. I mean, how about all the references such as:

-Oh, it is so nice to meet your girlfriend, she is just beautiful.

-Isn't that baby just beautiful?

-Here is our new student, isn't she SO cute? ( I've heard that from a teacher who loved to post photos of their private school happenings on their Facebook page. AND the cutest ones were always featured the most.)

And so many more, where 'beauty' is emphasized.  I suppose it can make the new person feel comfortable in new surroundings. But it makes me wonder about all those who aren't knock-out dead gorgeous and how they feel when they hear these kinds of comments about others, or don't get the same kind of compliment.

[Ann.without.an.e]

15 minutes ago, ***** said:

But it makes me wonder about all those who aren't knock-out dead gorgeous and how they feel when they hear these kinds of comments about others, or don't get the same kind of compliment.

They struggle over it for a while, especially if their mentors and parents admired that trait and put it above other traits. They struggle to find who they are in a world where this trait is used to assign value and worth. They struggle with whether others can truly love them if they don’t have this value? When they get into their 30’s they care a little less. When they get into their late 30’s and 40’s they realize it’s all just stupid and beauty is fleeting. They find their value in who they are and aim to be incredibly kind and not really give a care about any of that. I mean, it could happen that way for some 😉

Edited August 28, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[marbel]

20 minutes ago, ***** said:

Idk, but it is still happening. I mean, how about all the references such as:

-Oh, it is so nice to meet your girlfriend, she is just beautiful.

-Isn't that baby just beautiful?

-Here is our new student, isn't she SO cute? ( I've heard that from a teacher who loved to post photos of their private school happenings on their Facebook page. AND the cutest ones were always featured the most.)

And so many more, where 'beauty' is emphasized.  I suppose it can make the new person feel comfortable in new surroundings. But it makes me wonder about all those who aren't knock-out dead gorgeous and how they feel when they hear these kinds of comments about others, or don't get the same kind of compliment.

I don't disagree with you at all, but with regard to babies... there just isn't much else to say, is there?  I mean, we have all seen babies who look... not beautiful, but we say they are.  But of course it is true because new life is beautiful. 

[Indigo Blue]

I really struggle with myself if I do make a faux pas, especially if they don’t say anything but I can just FEEL their annoyance. I want to apologize profusely. I want them to know I’m not a “bad” person and that no harm was intended. But that just makes it worse. So I have a talk with myself inside my head. I just say, self, it’s okay. They won’t care tomorrow. The sun will rise. That right now I’m just triggered……and I’ll get over it and so will they. I hate when that happens. It’s the worst. Especially if I really like the person. 

[wathe]

7 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I try to encourage my dds who’ve worked in customer service to compliment older ladies on their “pretty” features, their eyes, their clothing, an interesting piece of jewelry, their smile, because sadly, it’s like older ladies become invisible. Do yo I think I’m steering my girls wrong? I figure any older lady might enjoy a compliment on her appearance. Maybe I’m wrong. 

My 0.02:

I make a practice of compliment things that the person has chosen/controls:. like hair style/cut, jewelry, clothing, but not things that are innate/outside the person's control, like hair (texture, type), eyes, size, or physical features.

People get tired of hearing comments about the same innate feature over and over (you are so tall, your blue eyes are so pretty etc) - and people with a particular striking feature hear comments about the same feature over and over and over.  I think comments on innate physical features can slide into microaggressions pretty quickly (and unintentionally).  I realize that you are talking specifically about older women, but, to stretch the concept,  I think it's especially important for kids to not hear comments about the same physical characteristic that they can't control over and over - whether it draws positive or negative attention, either way I think can be damaging over time.

Edited August 28, 2022 by wathe

[scholastica]

4 hours ago, BlsdMama said:

Yes! I think I'd double-think less (fewer times?) if I didn't know the insides of Hive members' brains.

The real thing that bothers me, "You didn't figure out what causes that?" (Insert obnoxious guffaws.)

I have heard it no fewer than 100 times (not hyperbole) and it is neither unique nor cute.  If you ask me how many children I have and you're shocked, a, "Wow! That's a lot of kids," is totally acceptable.  ANY remark regarding sex in any insinuated form? Not okay and I might smile politely or tease you, but I'm gritting my teeth just a little and reminding myself that you don't know my kids have heard this remark to their parent(s) 342 times.

Someone said that to me once and I answered, “Yes, we did and we like it!” He turned beet red and laughed nervously. Serves you right creepy man.

[Tanaqui]

Marbel: I actually sat down with my kids once and gave them a whole list of things they could say if they didn't honestly believe a baby is "cute" or "beautiful". And there really are a lot of things you can say about all of them!

Your baby is so...

tiny! aren't you excited!

alert! look at him, he's listening to everything!

clever! I bet she understands everything we say already!

such a problem-solver! (Actually, this is what we say about our dogs when they get food off the table, so maybe don't use this one)

sweet! it almost makes me want one/another one of my own!

energetic! wow, look at her go!

happy! oh, it's so great to see a happy baby!

Even a screaming baby "has great lungs" and "surely will have no problem standing up for himself and others!" if you can manage not to sound sarcastic.

And if all else fails, you can say "You're doing a great job!" to the caregiver or that the baby looks "well-loved".

[R828]

As someone who grew up in a very different culture, I find these threads so fascinating and I’ve learned so many cultural nuances that I never would have organically picked up on.
 

There is one thing I’ve always wondered about, at least in my part of TX, it seems to be really common for adult women to refer to their ‘best friend’ or ‘BFF’. I’m pretty sure I’ve noticed it among quite a wide range of socio/economic groups and even on these forums. Is this a American thing? Or just a regional one? 

[Jaybee]

7 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I try to encourage my dds who’ve worked in customer service to compliment older ladies on their “pretty” features, their eyes, their clothing, an interesting piece of jewelry, their smile, because sadly, it’s like older ladies become invisible. Do yo I think I’m steering my girls wrong? I figure any older lady might enjoy a compliment on her appearance. Maybe I’m wrong. 

I don't know that you are wrong. But I'm an older lady, and I don't particularly want compliments. I don't think of how I look a whole lot after I have gotten ready to go out, so that unless I could tell someone genuinely liked a feature, it seems unnecessary to me, especially from someone I don't know. (Ex., I have some cute elephant earrings a young friend commented on recently because she, too, likes elephants.) It would feel weird to me if it seemed like a young person was trying to find something about me to flatter, because I don't care for flattery--it feels like manipulation or patronizing or something. What I do appreciate is a genuine smile and kindness. No compliments necessary. A smile and kindness make me feel seen.

[Ann.without.an.e]

I never imagined that this thread would take so many twists and turns lol

But isn't that one of our greatest strengths? We are pretty cool like that, aren't we? 🤣

[Clarita]

I don't like compliments on my looks, but I realize it's my own hang up. I've encountered many people who only judge me on appearance and that generally means they don't think I can be anything but pretty or because there is pretty privilege that it's OK for people to be mean.  

I don't think I'm especially pretty or gorgeous and I have insecurities. 

My son as a baby would stop people in their tracks because he was such a beautiful baby. People would back track just to look at him and gush. It was really weird to watch happen. 

 

Edited August 29, 2022 by Clarita
delete baby photo

[Guest]

3 hours ago, R828 said:

As someone who grew up in a very different culture, I find these threads so fascinating and I’ve learned so many cultural nuances that I never would have organically picked up on.
 

There is one thing I’ve always wondered about, at least in my part of TX, it seems to be really common for adult women to refer to their ‘best friend’ or ‘BFF’. I’m pretty sure I’ve noticed it among quite a wide range of socio/economic groups and even on these forums. Is this a American thing? Or just a regional one? 

It is pretty common for American women to refer to a “best friend,” or a best friend with a qualifier; I.e., “my best friend from college,” or “my best friend from childhood.” However, I do know several women who don’t use this term at all, and I don’t use it often. But it isn’t in any way weird to me when I hear it. 

[Melissa in Australia]

11 hours ago, fairfarmhand said:

I try to encourage my dds who’ve worked in customer service to compliment older ladies on their “pretty” features, their eyes, their clothing, an interesting piece of jewelry, their smile, because sadly, it’s like older ladies become invisible. Do yo I think I’m steering my girls wrong? I figure any older lady might enjoy a compliment on her appearance. Maybe I’m wrong. 

You are doing absolutly the right thing.  Little things like this make people's day

 

[JustEm]

3 hours ago, R828 said:

As someone who grew up in a very different culture, I find these threads so fascinating and I’ve learned so many cultural nuances that I never would have organically picked up on.
 

There is one thing I’ve always wondered about, at least in my part of TX, it seems to be really common for adult women to refer to their ‘best friend’ or ‘BFF’. I’m pretty sure I’ve noticed it among quite a wide range of socio/economic groups and even on these forums. Is this a American thing? Or just a regional one? 

Wait having a best friend isn't a normal thing? What do you call your closest friend? Not being snarky just really curious. I would never say bff, I hate that

[Ditto]

I have not read all the replies so not sure if this one has been mentioned, but I can't stand to be told "everything happens for a reason".     

[JustEm]

48 minutes ago, Quill said:

It is pretty common for American women to refer to a “best friend,” or a best friend with a qualifier; I.e., “my best friend from college,” or “my best friend from childhood.” However, I do know several women who don’t use this term at all, and I don’t use it often. But it isn’t in any way weird to me when I hear it. 

Just in case you respond faster than the other poster. What do you call your closest friend?

[Ann.without.an.e]

12 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

Just in case you respond faster than the other poster. What do you call your closest friend?

I know you didn't ask me but I can answer what is true for me. I have a few very close friends that all have special places in my heart. I don't have one best friend (unless you count my oldest dd?). I would refer to them all in a sentence as just my friend or "one of my closest friends" or "one of my best friends". I don't have one best friend or BFF though. One of them, we have been very close for 30 years but I still don't use the term best friend. 

Edited August 29, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, hjffkj said:

Just in case you respond faster than the other poster. What do you call your closest friend?

This morphs over time; I don’t always have *one* woman who is my very best friend. I do have a friend right now that I would call my best friend, but there are some circumstances that made this more true this year. 
 

Most times I have 2 or 3 friends that are at the same level and I don’t distinguish one of them as the *best*, closest friend. Also, sometimes people move away or something else changes and that friend drops down to a more general friend. 

[heartlikealion]

Not everyone has a best friend. I don’t use “BFF” but I think it’s American, not regional. 

I have a close gf, I call her my best friend. But, there was a time where she tagged an older friend of hers as best friend in a social media post and I was crushed. I said oh I guess I’m not her best friend? Then another time she referred to me as best friend. So I guess she has 2. Just another example of how not everyone is on the same page 🙃

There have been many times I didn’t refer to anyone as my best friend. I do realize many people refer to their spouse as best friend. 
——

Babies - I think “precious” is a pretty safe. word. I saw a baby today and said, “aww” and the mom smiled. I didn’t get a great view of the baby but it was wrapped up in the mom’s arms and looked very young. 

[Ann.without.an.e]

8 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

 

Babies - I think “precious” is a pretty safe. word. I saw a baby today and said, “aww” and the mom smiled. I didn’t get a great view of the baby but it was wrapped up in the mom’s arms and looked very young. 

Precious really is the perfect word to be honest ❤️