Threatening to kill someone......what are my recourses?

[DawnM]

Ok, this is going to be kind of complicated so stay with me.   I will try to leave out non-pertinent information.

I have a foster son.   Severe mental illness.  If I told you all I have had to deal with for the past two years it would sound like I was making it up!

Crucial information:   She lives in Nevada, I live in North Carolina

She has threatened me several times.   Today she posted she is going to "Kill Greg" (her brother) and "Assassinate Dawn"

I am on hold with the Las Vegas police right now and have been on hold for 47 minutes now!   UGH.   Good thing no one is holding a gun to my head.

Anyway,  I have been told a restraining order is a waste of time......I have to file here, take time off of work to go in to the courthouse, etc.....and then they file it with NV and then they deliver it to her, IF they feel like it.   They aren't obligated and if she isn't home, that is that.....AND it isn't good for that long....so do I have to keep doing that?  

So, I did what the police recommended.....I have kept a file/notebook of all of her crazy and all of her threats so that if she were ever to show up to my door, I would have proof as to why they should take her away.

Is there anything else you can think of?   I am hoping they do something today but last time I called they went to the house, she hid in the closet, and they told me she wasn't home and didn't follow through.   They dont' seem that concerned.

I am so mad I am shaking.   THIS is why I have this child.   I am protecting him from his own mother!  Trying not to hate at the moment.   Trying not to hate her father for enabling her, her for making this poor child go through all of this, and have anger at the police for not doing much.

I will let you know what they say when I finally talk to them, but recommendations?

Edited May 2, 2022 by DawnM

[Harriet Vane]

Perhaps consult a lawyer to be on the safe side? And a private security consultant? Unfortunately I am honestly not sure.

 

Edited May 2, 2022 by Harriet Vane
Delete private information

[stephanier.1765]

I'm so sorry! 

There was just an news article about a teenager who had been threatened not only by phone or the Internet but in person by coming to her home. The girl's mother and she went to the police to file a report and the police told her there wasn't anything they could do until there were actual physical violence. The next day the girl threatening her and the teen's best friend (!!??) jumped her in a parking lot and beat the crap out of her. I guess it's okay to threaten a child or to assassinate an adult but if you are a high ranking official they will actually take action. It's so messed up.

[DawnM]

Well, crap, they said if it is on FB I have to print it out and take it to my local police station and they will file it and send it to them in Vegas.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DawnM]

1 minute ago, Harriet Vane said:

Perhaps consult a lawyer to be on the safe side? And a private security consultant? Unfortunately I am honestly not sure.

I would take her diagnosis out of your post, though, to protect yourself legally. In my state, publicly sharing information I gained as a foster parent would be a Very Big Deal.

I can......she is family so I dont' feel as obligated, but yeah, I will.

[Katy]

I would do that. It might be even more ted tape but you could also call the FBI, since it involves cybercrime and multiple states. And you could report her to Facebook 

[prairiewindmomma]

A few thoughts:

1. It is actually probably worth it to file for a restraining order.  In the county I worked in most extensively, police responded very quickly to violations of restraint orders because there was already documented proof of a threat, iykwim. 

2. Are you sure you have to be in person? Most courthouses have updated to where you can scan and attach and electronically submit.  If not, you can still prep at home.  Most of the time when I had to file these kinds of things in paper, back in ye old dinosaur days, it was like 20 minutes in the courthouse.  This may feel really overwhelming, but the actual work of it all wasn't that bad.

3. Buy yourself some good cameras and an alarm system.  I'd be glad I lived cross country.

4. Take care of your digital footprint.  Addresses, phone numbers, places of employment, etc.  You can request that places like spokeo and the white pages take your information off. 

 

[SKL]

Honestly, I'd follow through as the Vegas police advise you, even if it is a massive pain in the butt.

I feel it's really important to have already reported her before she tries anything.  If you can provide a photo, address, and license plate, even better.

Don't answer this part, but I hope you have a big dog, a security alarm, and/or a gun.  Sorry to say it.

[Grace Hopper]

38 minutes ago, DawnM said:

Well, crap, they said if it is on FB I have to print it out and take it to my local police station and they will file it and send it to them in Vegas.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is important to document. Also do try to go ahead with the restraining order, because that is also important to document. 
 

Is there anyone in the city where she lives who could alert you if they know she has jumped on a plane or disappears and is possibly headed in your direction?

[Farrar]

Maybe I'm wrong and any scant knowledge I have comes from TV police shows, but I'm thinking that filing the restraining order may still make sense even if you don't renew it because then it will be there always that there was this very official thing.

[Ting Tang]

I would take every path you are told to take.  I consider any death threat very serious in nature.  

[mommyoffive]

I have no advice.  I am so sorry you are going through this.  That is terrifying. 

[sweet2ndchance]

You are right, a restraining order doesn't prevent the person from trying to hurt you. In that respect, it is useless. It's just a piece of paper.

BUT, if you are trying to build a paper trail to show why a person needs to have actions taken against them, it is incredibly useful. It shows that you take her words seriously and so should others. It shows you feel that she is an actual threat and not just full of hot air.

It all depends on what your end goal is here and whether or not you feel she would actually follow through on her threats. I have had to file retraining orders before on my ex. They did come in handy but not to prevent him from trying to hurt me.

[Eos]

Also no advice but hugs and back-up to your righteous anger.

[City Mouse]

The restraining order could possibly help if she does actually show up in your community. It would give the local police a reason to arrest her if she violates it, but yes, she has to violate the order before anything is done.

I don’t know all the details, but a YouTuber that I watch had someone posting death threats to her a couple of years ago. Since it was done over the internet she worked with the FBI and that person was eventually sent to jail. 
 

I found this FBI page that has some information https://www.fbi.gov/news/stories/hoax-threats-awareness-100518

[DawnM]

Thank you all.

I did report it to FB and her account was banned.   She has 3 other FB accounts, so that is kind of worthless, but whatever.  At least that one is banned.

I will go to the police station on Wed.

[Innisfree]

I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. You’re doing an important thing for that little boy, as of course you know. I hope you can get the restraining order without too much difficulty, and I hope it turns out that you never need the paper trail. It sounds like a good idea to get it anyway, just in case.

[Faith-manor]

Dawn, I am so sorry! This stuff makes me so darn mad!!!! And it is so variable between states and counties. Our son was a moderator of a forum where things would get out of hand at times, and he would have to give 30 day bans or permanent bans of some posters. He got a death threat - one in which the person described exactly how he was going to go about murdering our son - and son called the state police post. They sent their cyber person out to talk to our son, get the printout of the poster's escalating posts leading to the threat, and then forwarded that to a colleague in the Rochester, MN police department. That officer and partner went to the person's address, showed him the documrntation, and told him to cool his jets or something. It ended. Our officer confirmed someone went to talk to him just not exactly what was said. I really appreciated that. Maybe it wasn't a crime at that point, but giving a warning that says, "You are cruising for serious trouble" might turn some people around.

I have heard from law enforcement that putting up beware of dog signs, having a HUGE chain around a tree, and massive dog dish with a name like "Killer" or "Brutus" on the porch, and motion detector lights that can activate a recording of "big dog frothing at the mouth waiting to eat you" kind of barking is a huge deterrent to people who would consider breaking into a house to assault someone.

[Alicia64]

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

I have heard from law enforcement that putting up beware of dog signs, having a HUGE chain around a tree, and massive dog dish with a name like "Killer" or "Brutus" on the porch, and motion detector lights that can activate a recording of "big dog frothing at the mouth waiting to eat you" kind of barking is a huge deterrent to people who would consider breaking into a house to assault someone.

I love this advice. I'd suggest getting a German shepherd, but the two I've had were giant babies. Definitely not lethal.

[ktgrok]

Definitely do the paperwork - if nothing else it may help if she threatens someone else, more local to her, to have it on record she's done this before. 

that said, when I saw the title I thought you were looking for reSources, not reCourses...I read it as you looking for resources to um, well...carry out a threat. I thought it was going to be some kind of joke thread...I'm so sorry it isn't. 

 

[DawnM]

I should have time to go to the police station on Wed.

[readinmom]

Agree with previous posters...file and document, document, document!  If something were to happen, God forbid, you can show that you did feel that you were threatened and in danger.  If you don't file, they can counter with you didn't take the threats seriously.  Also, consult a lawyer.  I'm not sure, but you may have a free option through a domestic violence shelter who will carry out the paperwork for you.  

[Scarlett]

11 hours ago, ktgrok said:

Definitely do the paperwork - if nothing else it may help if she threatens someone else, more local to her, to have it on record she's done this before. 

that said, when I saw the title I thought you were looking for reSources, not reCourses...I read it as you looking for resources to um, well...carry out a threat. I thought it was going to be some kind of joke thread...I'm so sorry it isn't. 

 

I read it the same way. Lol

[cintinative]

I might be confused but I think your local police could handle the police report and help you with the restraining order. They might be able to come to your house to take your statement. 

I agree you need the documentation, even if it is a hassle.  

[DawnM]

3 minutes ago, cintinative said:

I might be confused but I think your local police could handle the police report and help you with the restraining order. They might be able to come to your house to take your statement. 

I agree you need the documentation, even if it is a hassle.  

I was told that I would need to file it at our county court office (30 min. away) as well as report it, but maybe that was wrong information?   I will find out.

[sheryl]

So, Dawn, the police are recommending such because it would be to your advantage to have "evidence" through documentation.   That is a huge burden for one to carry and you work f.t. so recruit your dh to help - FB, IG, emails, print off EVERYTHING with a date/time stamp.  I would think the restraining order, if things continue to spiral downward, would be a wise move to "DOCUMENT" with judicial system this person's "intent".  One day off work.  It may prove to be "useful" later.  If you "have to renew" the restraining order then THAT IS your proof (to a point) of showing this person's mental instability.  HTH!  

[DawnM]

I do not trust the Vegas police to do their end of the restraining order, which will mean I have done all of this in vein, but I will do it.....it is just that I have been told the receiving authorities aren't really obligated to deliver it to her and if they go and she isn't home, they don't have to go back, etc.....if she never receives the order, it is like it never happened.

I will tell you that the adoption agreement says I provide pictures quarterly UNLESS she violates any of the agreement, and since we haven't full adopted I am continuing to send the pictures, but she has violated the agreement already in several ways.

[Arctic Bunny]

Could somebody familiar with US law explain why Dawn would get a restraining order instead of filing a police report accusing the other party of uttering threats, and have the courts issue a no contact order?

[Faith-manor]

1 hour ago, DawnM said:

I do not trust the Vegas police to do their end of the restraining order, which will mean I have done all of this in vein, but I will do it.....it is just that I have been told the receiving authorities aren't really obligated to deliver it to her and if they go and she isn't home, they don't have to go back, etc.....if she never receives the order, it is like it never happened.

I will tell you that the adoption agreement says I provide pictures quarterly UNLESS she violates any of the agreement, and since we haven't full adopted I am continuing to send the pictures, but she has violated the agreement already in several ways.

Is it possible to stop sending now? I am just wondering if seeing the photos quarterly, riles her up in her twisted mind...doesn't allow her to calm the hell down and move on. Would family court allow you to end it since she has violated the agreement repeatedly? My heart breaks for you and your son! I am just thinking about a relative who was very unstable and her child was taken away. She didn't settle down until the court just ended it, and she no longer had pictures or any kind of update. After about a year, she began to grasp the concept that the child was out of her life for good, and time to obsess about other things.

[Katy]

1 hour ago, Arctic Bunny said:

Could somebody familiar with US law explain why Dawn would get a restraining order instead of filing a police report accusing the other party of uttering threats, and have the courts issue a no contact order?

A restraining order IS a no contact order.  But it's not enforceable if they can't prove she received notice, and she's thousands of miles away in a place with a lot of crime where delivering non-contact notice is difficult.  One advantage to doing it anyway is she won't need to keep sending information about her child, but that's about it.

[Grace Hopper]

3 hours ago, DawnM said:

I do not trust the Vegas police to do their end of the restraining order, which will mean I have done all of this in vein, but I will do it.....it is just that I have been told the receiving authorities aren't really obligated to deliver it to her and if they go and she isn't home, they don't have to go back, etc.....if she never receives the order, it is like it never happened.

I will tell you that the adoption agreement says I provide pictures quarterly UNLESS she violates any of the agreement, and since we haven't full adopted I am continuing to send the pictures, but she has violated the agreement already in several ways.

I thought you were fully adopted. Will you be, at some point?

I am thinking that were I in your shoes, I’d follow up with my own local caseworker/judge/appropriate person to be darn sure they know about all this. And to request that the requirement to send photos is dropped. Because I agree that likely only serves to stimulate her aggression. 
 

Can you hire a kick-ass process server in her area to deliver the restraining order?

Edited May 3, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Harriet Vane]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

I thought you were fully adopted. Will you be, at some point?

I am thinking that were I in your shoes, I’d follow up with my own local caseworker/judge/appropriate person to be darn sure they know about all this. And to request that the requirement to send photos is dropped. Because I agree that likely only serves to stimulate her aggression. 
 

Can you hire a kick-ass process server in her area to deliver the restraining order?

I agree about the process server.

I doubt that any judge will remove the requirement to send photos. I wouldn't even bother asking. 

[AmandaVT]

26 minutes ago, Harriet Vane said:

I agree about the process server.

I doubt that any judge will remove the requirement to send photos. I wouldn't even bother asking. 

If they don't remove the requirement, maybe they can amend it so that she can send the photos through the foster agency or a lawyer? That way she'll be one more step removed?

[Katy]

2 hours ago, Harriet Vane said:

I agree about the process server.

I doubt that any judge will remove the requirement to send photos. I wouldn't even bother asking. 

Once the adoption is final it won’t matter. 

[DawnM]

I got a call from the adoption office in NV today telling me that they have assigned me an attorney and it should happen pretty fast at this point.   Hopefully very soon.

[Catwoman]

30 minutes ago, DawnM said:

I got a call from the adoption office in NV today telling me that they have assigned me an attorney and it should happen pretty fast at this point.   Hopefully very soon.

Yay! That’s great news!!!

[DawnM]

23 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Yay! That’s great news!!!

I know it seems like every time I post something stressful it turns around within a day or two.....I can't explain it, maybe this forum is my good luck charm.   But remember this was supposed to happen several months ago!   

[katilac]

14 hours ago, DawnM said:

I was told that I would need to file it at our county court office (30 min. away) as well as report it, but maybe that was wrong information?   I will find out.

You were almost certainly told the correct thing, because protection orders are filed with the court. The police in some areas can issue an Emergency Protection Order, but that is generally when violence has already occurred.

8 hours ago, Katy said:

A restraining order IS a no contact order.   

Sometimes it is, and sometimes it isn't. In most states, no contact would fall under a protection order, as would a "stay away" which is what many of us think of in relation to restraining orders: you must stay 300 feet away from this person at all times, etc. but California I think does call this a restraining order. In a lot of states, police will arrest someone for violating a protection order. 

In many areas, the specific wording "restraining order" refers to restraining people from doing many things: stay away, don't move assets, etc. It is filed alongside a civil lawsuit, and the police will not arrest someone for violating it. As you can imagine, very popular in divorces. So, they won't arrest someone just for violating an order to stay 300 feet away, but will arrest them for being violent or threatening, to the extent it violates local laws. 

It's very confusing, and OP definitely needs to research what is available and what it is called in her area.