Talking about the deceased

[Tanaqui]

My father died when I was ten, and the kids were born 10 and 13 years later.

Recently, the younger kiddo said something that's been sitting taking up brainspace ever since. She said she feels like she knew her grandfather because we talk about him so much and, furthermore, that she's sure we talk about him more than other people talk about their deceased loved ones with their kids who never met those people.

I have no idea how much we actually talk about him! I haven't been keeping track. It certainly isn't as often as I think about Daddy!

But I also have no idea what "normal" is here. She didn't say it was *bad*, but I still want to know how often other people do this.

So... there it is. How often do you talk about deceased friends and relations with your kids who have no memory of those people, and, if you like, what sort of things do you talk about?

Like, in our case we've said a lot of the good stuff of course... but we've also spelled it out for the kids that my father suffered from depression his entire adult life. Actually, every adult in their family has. This is important for them to know.

And I'm sure we've said things in passing like "Your grandfather would've definitely marched in that protest" or "You know, when I was your age I thought my father's passion for history and current events was a bit much too, but now I'm as invested as he ever was!" Probably said a lot more of those quick things than telling long stories about That Time He Did That Thing.

[Katy]

Whenever they come up. I doubt you really talk about him more than average for someone you loved. 

[wintermom]

I don't know what 'normal' is either. We have several photos of my deceased fil in our home. One visitor pointed that out and I moved them to a more private part of the house. I enjoy having the photos and talking about fil. I don't feel the need to explain it to others or perceived judgement passed by others. 

If you enjoy talking about the people you love, whether they are alive or dead, you should have that right without having to explain it to anyone. 

[Tanaqui]

To be clear, I don't think it's bad to talk about your loved ones more or less than the norm, nor that any reasonable person - including kiddo! - would think that we particularly do it in a bad way or that it's harmful.

I'm more curious about this question than I am about the Voynich manuscript, but with about the same level of emotions attached. I really am not asking for reassurance, just for anecdata.

For reference, a tiny part of me is always thinking about the Voynich manuscript. I probably think about my father more, but I can't prove it.

[Xahm]

13 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

 

For reference, a tiny part of me is always thinking about the Voynich manuscript. I probably think about my father more, but I can't prove it.

Thank you for that rabbit hole I'll be returning to later.

[Carol in Cal.]

I have one (and only one) great grandmother who I feel like I know despite never having met her.  I wonder about this a little.  I know my mom was crazy about her, and I guess that’s why she told so many stories about her, but I know only one thing about her husband that isn’t related to things about her, and I heard that from my grandmother.  I know almost nothing about the grandfather’s parents, and just names of his uncles—what happened to those relationships?  It’s a mystery.

So I guess that the answer to your question is yes, but I wonder more about why I don’t know about these others than about why I do know about my great-grandmother.

[lynn]

There's nothing wrong with talking about your loved ones who are deceased.  You have memories to share with your children about them and that is a precious gift..  I talk about my aunts and grandparents to my kids.  My daughter was born after they passed and I want her to know who they were because they were a big part of my life and I was blessed to have them in my life through adulthood.  

[happi duck]

My mom died when my oldest was ten weeks old.  Both my kids "know" her well.  

My kids knew their late aunties, uncle and grandfathers and we talk about them a lot too but I probably more often tell stories about my mom because they don't have first hand experience with her.

[ericathemom]

I heard stories about my grandfather my entire life and feel like I know him (and would love him) despite having never met him. He's one of the people I name whenever I'm asked "what person, dead or living, would you like to meet." I'm very grateful for my mother including him in her family stories and giving me a robust picture of a grandpa I never got to meet. I hope to do the same for my kids and their grandparents who have passed too early.

[Guest]

3 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

To be clear, I don't think it's bad to talk about your loved ones more or less than the norm, nor that any reasonable person - including kiddo! - would think that we particularly do it in a bad way or that it's harmful.

I'm more curious about this question than I am about the Voynich manuscript, but with about the same level of emotions attached. I really am not asking for reassurance, just for anecdata.

For reference, a tiny part of me is always thinking about the Voynich manuscript. I probably think about my father more, but I can't prove it.

With the caveat first that I’m taking your word for it and you don’t think there’s a “bad” amount: I personally don’t talk about my deceased family members much with my kid/kids who didn’t know them.
 

My FIL died when my oldest was a toddler and we named our second child after him. My kids have heard several times that he was an amazingly mechanical person and could build or fix pretty much anything. And we have photos on display. But it probably hasn’t come up more than once a year or two. 
 

Same with my sister, who died when my youngest was four. He did not know her much at all and probably doesn’t know much of anything about her personality. Probably the only thing he could reliably say about her is that she was very unusually petite, because he has heard that said so often and has seen pictures of her. It’s possible he does not really even know why she died. 
 

I think it’s just not my style. 

[gardenmom5]

rarely.  I was 12 when my dad died.

dh probably talks about his father a lot more. (died when dh was 19.)

[Tap]

I maybe talk about my dad once a year. My son was 7 when he died, and my older daughter was 2. When we talk about him, it is usually in reference to the uncommon things I learned from him. Like gold panning, reloading bullets, tying flies, etc. My son doesn't remember him, so there really isn't any reason to remanence with him. My dad died when I was close to 30.  He wasn't in my life much as an adult. 

[MercyA]

My mom loved to tell me stories about her beloved grandmother and I love to tell my daughter stories about mine. I don't think it's odd or inappropriate at all. I also say things like, "Oh, Grandma [name] would have loved you so much." (And I think she does likely know and love her...but that is another discussion. 😉 )

I feel inspired by the things I've learned about my great-grandma. I know she never said a negative word about anyone. If you said you liked something in her house, she'd give it to you. If you said you needed something, she'd buy it for you. She and her husband moved from place to place to be close to family. She once brought a stray dog home on the bus in Chicago. When my mom was a very poor teenage mom, her grandma paid for a cloth diaper service for her. I'm so glad I know so much more about her than what I remember personally (the most significant thing being the marvelous jar of gum drops and peanuts she kept in her living room for visitors.) 🙂

These stories are treasures.

[MercyA]

5 hours ago, wintermom said:

I don't know what 'normal' is either. We have several photos of my deceased fil in our home. One visitor pointed that out and I moved them to a more private part of the house. I enjoy having the photos and talking about fil. I don't feel the need to explain it to others or perceived judgement passed by others. 

Did your visitor point it out in a negative way? What was their problem? I can't possibly imagine how anyone could find something wrong with hanging and enjoying photos of deceased family members. My mom has literally hundreds of pictures of long-passed relatives on her walls and they are so interesting.

I will say that I don't enjoy seeing photos of people in caskets, but I don't that's what we're talking about here, right?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I talk about people who are interesting to people who are interested.  My parents (who are both now deceased) were very interesting people with very interesting lives.  I talk about them.  I wouldn't force a conversation though on someone who wasn't interested though. 

[wintermom]

8 hours ago, MercyA said:

Did your visitor point it out in a negative way? What was their problem? I can't possibly imagine how anyone could find something wrong with hanging and enjoying photos of deceased family members. My mom has literally hundreds of pictures of long-passed relatives on her walls and they are so interesting.

I will say that I don't enjoy seeing photos of people in caskets, but I don't that's what we're talking about here, right?

There were 2-3 large framed pieces, one with multiple photos printed on a canvas and one print. The comment was something like, "you have a lot of pictures of x." I perceived it as too much attention in a non-positive way. It wasn't, "Oh, that's a lovely piece!"

[Terabith]

I just want to say I thought I was the only one who spent a lot of time thinking about the Voynich manuscript!  

[Eos]

14 hours ago, Xahm said:

Thank you for that rabbit hole I'll be returning to later.

Right there with you.

[Farrar]

Okay, now my measure for how much I'm thinking about a thing over time is totally getting stacked against the Voynich Manuscript forever.

I think I tried to talk to my kids about my maternal grandparents a good bit, but they didn't really care or listen. I do talk about my paternal grandmother a lot. She is the person who has died who I miss all the time. She takes up several Voynich manuscripts worth of space in my mind. But my kids knew her. They were there when she passed away. They remember her well. She lived longer than two grandfathers did for them. 

What I find interesting is who takes up more thinking space in general for a person. Like, why does my Banny take up so much more room than my father? Or my maternal grandparents? Gosh, I'm getting verklempt just thinking of her now. But if someone had said, you will miss your grandmother more than your parent after they've died, I would have been like pshaw.

[Miss Tick]

My grandmother told me so many great stories about her favorite grandparents and an eccentric great-uncle that I really had fond feelings for them. I hope I can make my favorite people this real for my dc. Time will tell.

I just mentioned the Voynitch Manuscript measure to dd and she replied that she thinks about her grandparents more than the Mary Celeste. Mostly. 😄

Edited March 21, 2022 by SusanC
Spell checking my posts is rarely 100% successful

[klmama]

I talk about my mom and my grandparents often.  Any of my dc who have paid attention know about my great-grandparents, as well; even though I only have a few in-person memories of them from my early childhood, my parents told me about them frequently, and I have passed on the stories.   

[Spryte]

We talk about our deceased loved ones as it comes up, not incessantly, if others are interested or asking about something that leads to them.

Not family, but my two best friends from my 20s and 30s are deceased, and my kids know about them. We have a lot of their things, that were passed to me, and the history of those items isn’t a secret (it’s also not a huge deal). I fostered one of their kids, while still in school, and we talk about him sometimes, and check in on him online.

And — they were fascinating people doing cool stuff. My kids get a kick out of the field we were in together, and occasionally like hearing stories about what we were doing. It comes up when we study certain history topics, watching documentaries, camping, visiting museums. I don’t always mention my friends, but often they are part of the story. Plus, our oldest knew one of them, so sometimes he’ll ask, “was that with X?” 

[Lady Florida.]

It's complicated for me but in general I do talk about deceased loved ones.

My father died when I was 14 and there are only 3 people in my life currently who actually knew him. One is my brother who was 8 when he died, but he was also only 2 when our parents split up. He has only fuzzy memories of a weekend dad. I have one same age cousin and her 88yo mother who live about an hour away who knew him. After my dad died I didn't talk about him for several years because I couldn't do it without choking up. Once I was able to I found that it made my peers uncomfortable even when I talked about good memories. My theory is that hearing about their friend's dead father made them think of their own parents' mortality. I was well into adulthood before I could talk about him without making people feel awkward. 

My mom passed away when ds was almost 11. His other grandparents died when he was in his late teens-early 20s. We talk about all three of his grandparents, and dh and I talk about our parents to each other. I'll sometimes mention my maternal grandmother to ds. Dss was 13 when I met dh and he had a good relationship with my mom. He called her his step-Nonna. He occasionally mentions her to the grandkids, mostly to tell them about her Italian-American cooking. My niece and I (said brother's only child) also talk about her, often to each other but also when her kids are around to hear.

Some of my current friends knew my mom and know of the horrible accident that killed her. They seemed to feel awkward at first when I mentioned her,  but it's been almost 14 years and I can mention her to them comfortably now. 

For the most part I tend to only talk about deceased relatives with other relatives. It seems normal and okay to me, I think it's a good thing to pass on memories. If nothing else it models how to talk about the deceased and keep their memory alive. 

[ktgrok]

I talk about them as much as I do any family member that isn't around day to day, if that makes sense? Like, I talk more about my sister and her kids and my parents (all living) because we see them more, they have stuff going on, etc. But I do certainly talk about my deceased grandparents about as much (maybe more) than my living aunts that I don't see often. They get mentioned when things come up, like, "You know, daddy's grandma made that quilt" or "your great grandma loved pizza too!" type thing. We also mention DH's parents who are deceased, but maybe less often as his mom was....complicated...and when you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, you know?  And his Dad died when DH was only 4 yrs old, so he doesn't have as much to say, as he didn't know him well, but does mention his military service, or that he liked to fix things, as did his grandparents who owned an appliance repair store, etc. 

I think it is shameful the way that we hide death in this society - as if death is not a normal thing. Yes, it can be painful and if one can't bring themselves to talk about it because of pain that is understandable. But there is ZERO reason in my mind to not talk about our loved ones, dead or alive. Heck, Jesus died a heck of a long time ago, and we talk about him all the time!

Many societies other than our puritanical based one put a lot of emphasis on remembering loved ones - look at Day of the Dead celebrations, ancestor shrines, etc. And even here Catholics and Episcopalians (and maybe others)  remember loved ones with All Souls Day/All Saints Day, anniversary masses, etc.  I think a lot of our hiding of the dead may come from the protestant knee jerk rejection of anything that was seen as foreign or as too Catholic. 

But hey, one of our favorite homeschool projects was an All Souls Day poster we made with photos and names of our loved ones put into hearts on a family tree poster. (we included pets, too!)

I sure as heck want people to remember and talk about me when I die! 

[athena1277]

Don’t be afraid to talk about your loved one who’s gone.  My dad died when little dd was 3 and fil died 18 months later.  My teens thankfully had a chance the know them, but little dd barely had a chance.  Sharing stories about them is the only way she will know anything about them.  I know they loved her a lot and through stories we can show her that in a small way.