My parents were in a bad car accident today

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

I've been watching a lot of The Masked Singer and working on my castle, which has been a good distraction.  Getting a good update this morning was helpful. 

I wish there were anywhere locally that was doing the rapid PCR test for COVID-the fear that we won't get L's back in time to go back to campus is really high, because emotionally, I think L will be better off when back on campus, even with two weeks of remote classes and no group meetings. Being 17 with a family member in ICU really stinks-you're old enough to understand what's going on, but too young to be allowed in the building. 

Can't she just go in and visit anyway? I have never seen a hospital ask for proof of age, and at 17, your dd probably looks old enough that no one would even think to ask her about it. I'll bet she could walk right in without a problem.

[Dmmetler]

31 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

Can't she just go in and visit anyway? I have never seen a hospital ask for proof of age, and at 17, your dd probably looks old enough that no one would even think to ask her about it. I'll bet she could walk right in without a problem.

No one walks in-there are two separate security checks before getting into ICU, and they do check ID. 

[Catwoman]

Just now, Dmmetler said:

No one walks in-there are two separate security checks before getting into ICU, and they do check ID. 

Can she get special permission? Our family has done that in the past when a close relative was in the ICU.

[Dmmetler]

Just now, Catwoman said:

Can she get special permission? Our family has done that in the past when a close relative was in the ICU.

I seriously doubt it. Maybe before COVID, but now pretty much the only part ofmthe hospital allowing visitors at all is ICU. 

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Dmmetler said:

I seriously doubt it. Maybe before COVID, but now pretty much the only part ofmthe hospital allowing visitors at all is ICU. 

Oh well. It was a thought...

I'm sorry she won't be able to get in. 😞 

[kbutton]

4 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

Does anyone have any advice on how to get through crisis without crumbling yourself?

I tend to be good in the moment, but then need to fall apart later (to varying degrees). Upcoming stressors that are a possible train wreck make me fall apart in anticipation sometimes (depends on what I can actually do about it, and if people are making it worse with their reframing, suggestions, or co-decision-making; if they are not, then I can push through and make decisions).

You have an ongoing situation that started as one acute thing, but now it's lot of pieces. I would feel better if I could kind of separate the stressors out mentally--I would then know that I was going into self-protective mode about one kind of stress or being appropriately emotional about the acute part that is now over, etc. and that having those different reactions simultaneously is due to the way the events and kinds of stressors interplay, not necessarily a breakdown of my coping skills.

I agree with the advice about letting go of things that don't have to be done right now, though if there are certain nit-noity things that it makes you feel better to do, then go for it (I often find doing something by rote gives me the space to process emotions while having a sort of mental fidget to make them less intense). It doesn't have to be logical to others what you choose to do and not do; it only has to be helpful to you. 🙂 

I would prioritize putting menial things that have to be done on auto-pilot (eating) if you can. If you have food allergies or something like that, making safe provisions is essential to being able to function, and letting go of guilt about not being able to be flexible is really helpful. There may be other areas of self-care that are analogous for you if you don't have a need like that. 

I remember getting bad logistical news at a time when I absolutely had to start putting things in motion, but my time to get that ball rolling was limited. It involved two other third parties, one of whom could've absolutely told me earlier (and she knew that it was bad news, knew it was coming, and knew I was going to a funeral out of time at the time!!!) and a third party that was likely to just ignore the issue but is the only person that could act on it. I got the news basically at close of business for the weekend just before my grandfather's funeral! I was pissed, stressed, and stuck. I had an in-law family member tell me that I shouldn't be addressing the issue at all because it was "family time now" with no understanding of how big of a deal the problem was (would really jack up my son's education for the WHOLE YEAR). I can't express how grateful I was when my dad told me to send e-mails or do whatever I needed to because it was important. So grateful! I ended up being able to do a couple of small but necessary things and then put it out of my mind for the funeral (and even support someone else acute healthcare crisis that developed that day as well). If my dad hadn't told me that, I would've spun my wheels and had an epic meltdown, missing the funeral vs. moving forward and being productive. With the freeing advice, I was nearly late to send those messages, but I was present, calm, competent, proactive, and had some margin leftover.

So, I guess I am trying to tell you that it's okay to prioritize things how they work FOR YOU to handle the stress. It's your stress, not someone else's. Your functioning matters.

It's okay to have a meltdown if you need it. It doesn't mean you can't or aren't dealing well. You can have it and still move forward. 

2 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

Since L is 17, I think a parent will have to sign.

I don't know if there is a way to designate someone to have some kind of limited permission to do this--it seems like there would be a way to do that. She might be close enough to 18 to make it moot, but if she's newly 17, it might be worth looking into as something else like this to help with any other issues that could come up.

Hang in there!

[Pawz4me]

5 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

Does anyone have any advice on how to get through crisis without crumbling yourself?

I don't have any useful advice, but I do want to encourage you to do whatever you can to take care of yourself and manage your stress level. Am I remembering correctly and you already have an AI disease? Or am I confused? Anyway -- both of my AI diseases manifested after periods of intense stress surrounding a close loved one's illness. I of course can't say for sure, but I feel fairly certain that those high stress events were the triggers for the AI diseases. Likely I was going to get them sooner or later anyway, but still . . . 

Take care of yourself as much as you can.

[Dmmetler]

They went in and suctioned mom’s lungs and found some air between her lungs and the chest wall, so are placing another chest tube this evening. They’ve also changed visitation to only one person, but made the hours more flexible. We’ll call and see whether she’s up to visitors before we go down. I think everyone is very, very tired. 

 

Dad's department head has encouraged him to take FMLA for the semester and pointed out that he qualifies for a sabbatical, which means that he doesn't have to push himself to teach virtually and be ready for this semester. I think that's a good thing. I'm really wondering if I'll end up having to cancel my lessons for this term as well-which might mean giving up my job entirely.

 

3 hours ago, Pawz4me said:

I don't have any useful advice, but I do want to encourage you to do whatever you can to take care of yourself and manage your stress level. Am I remembering correctly and you already have an AI disease? Or am I confused? Anyway -- both of my AI diseases manifested after periods of intense stress surrounding a close loved one's illness. I of course can't say for sure, but I feel fairly certain that those high stress events were the triggers for the AI diseases. Likely I was going to get them sooner or later anyway, but still . . . 

Take care of yourself as much as you can.

Yes, I have Hashimoto's and LADA. And I've been getting some hives, which, for me, is a sign of a flare. 

[Frances]

If possible, I would encourage you to keep up with your lessons, especially if your dad can take the semester off. When my mom was hospitalized  multiple times in the fall of 2020 and both of my siblings had pandemic related job losses, I had to handle as much as possible for my family from 2000 miles away. Work actually helped to keep me sane and grounded during that time.

Also, when we were confident the end was in sight, we booked a coastal VRBO for a four day get away. It was something to look forward to and ended up being a wonderful vacation.

It sounds like right now all of the communication is great with the hospital. If your mom has other pre-existing health conditions and things get complicated after her release with various doctors and therapies, I would encourage you to look into seeing if her healthcare system provides free nurse care coordinators. My mom’s was a lifesaver for us. Things were way less stressful after we found out about the program and got her enrolled.

[Dmmetler]

On the plus side, due to a friend here at the Hive, I found a for pay lab that had rPCR tests available for those who needed them for travel, which will meet the requirements for move in, so unless weather gets too bad (we're getting ice/snow today), that will let L get what is needed to move in (if it's positive, well, that will mess stuff up even more, so really hoping it isn't). 

 

As of this morning the chest tube seems to have helped. She had some high heart rate when she was trying to move (and has a history of heart issues), so cardiology will be consulting today. Hopefully, the snow and ice will hold off so we can get to the hospital today. 

[Dmmetler]

And now they're going to do a chest tube on the other side due to a small pocket (under a CT scan). 

[Dmmetler]

I'm definitely feeling overwhelmed. L has an appointment for the 1 hour PCR. And it's snowing, and I just chipped my car out of ice. Furthermore, L has a therapist appointment on zoom at noon, and a 1:20 appointment for the PCR test in Germantown, 25 minutes away under good conditions. The roads seem OK, but I'm terrified about driving. And even more so on trying to get to the hospital, which requires interstate. Driving is scary enough right now anyway, the fear of bad weather conditions adds to it. It also makes the idea of sending my teen back to school on Sat by bus pretty terrifying, too. 

 

 

[Faith-manor]

9 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

I'm definitely feeling overwhelmed. L has an appointment for the 1 hour PCR. And it's snowing, and I just chipped my car out of ice. Furthermore, L has a therapist appointment on zoom at noon, and a 1:20 appointment for the PCR test in Germantown, 25 minutes away under good conditions. The roads seem OK, but I'm terrified about driving. And even more so on trying to get to the hospital, which requires interstate. Driving is scary enough right now anyway, the fear of bad weather conditions adds to it. It also makes the idea of sending my teen back to school on Sat by bus pretty terrifying, too. 

 

 

I am so sorry! Thinking of you throughout the day today. 💓

[happi duck]

Many (hugs)

[NewnameC]

I am sure you feel overwhelmed after your mom’s accident and sending kid back to college. Those both are overwhelming in the best of times, which this is not.

Praying for all of you, and offering some reassurance on two issues you have mentioned.

My 17-year-old has had no trouble testing without a parent present. 

One good thing about pandemic is it has made Checking into a hotel as a minor is easier than it has ever been. You simply prepay reservation, download the hotel chain’s app and use the digital key.

[Dmmetler]

DH rearranged his schedule to drive L down for the testing appointment, so I didn't have to. The latter is definitely worth keeping in mind as well, just in case it's needed. Thanks!

 

 

[Dmmetler]

L has negative COVID results in hand, so is cleared to go back to campus :). 

[Faith-manor]

7 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

L has negative COVID results in hand, so is cleared to go back to campus :). 

That is good to hear!

[Dmmetler]

13 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

That is good to hear!

It also probably means that none of us other asymptomatic people are likely positive-which hasbeen a big fear-the last thing mom needs right now is one of us bringing COVID to her (we're all vaccinated and boosted, but still...)

[mommyoffive]

Yay for negative results.   I hope that relieves a little bit of stress.

[Dmmetler]

Mom is doing well overall. They added medication to calm her heart rate a little, and her vitals are strong. They'll do the 2nd chest tube 1st thing tomorrow since it got pushed away by other needs. 

They've changed visitation due to COVID so only one visitor is permitted daily, but there is also more flexibility in time, which is why we're updating later today. 

[MercyA]

Sending you more hugs and prayers. 

[Dmmetler]

Morning update-they did the chest tube this morning, which went well, and have gotten the heart rate stabilized, so have moved off of IV heart meds to a regular dose. WBC count is up, but no fever, so they are starting antibiotics and doing a culture from the trach to see if there's an infection starting (or if it's just the body reacting). 

Dad is going through insurance paperwork. 

[TexasProud]

@Dmmetler So, so stressful. Only you know if you need to cancel your classes/lessons. You have a ton on your plate. Whatever you decide, make sure you have one non-negotiable thing that is yours. YOURS. Something fun. Something life-giving that feeds you.  You cannot continue to give without getting infusion of life to keep YOU going. What that looks like, I don't know.  Praying for your family.

[Dmmetler]

Right now my two stress relievers are working on my castle and watching "The Masked Singer" on Hulu. The castle has turned out to be a real blessing because I can do small things on it and see progress without feeling overwhelmed. And the Masked Singer is just plain hard to take seriously, but again, I can stop and go even mid-episode and miss nothing. 

 

I went out to run errands with L, which was honestly nice. We just haven't had a lot of time to spend together this last few weeks. I know that L is eager to get back to campus-even with classes being virtual the first two weeks, it will still be more normal than it has been here, and it will reduce my stress, but I definitely miss normalcy, so exchanging a Christmas present, picking up a few things at Target and getting pet food was honestly nice. 

[Dmmetler]

Mom's glasses arrived. I just called to make sure it was OK to visit, and the nurse says she's been doing well overall today, and is in good spirits, so we'll send someone in to visit (probably Dad). She should be much happier with her glasses. 

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, Dmmetler said:

Mom's glasses arrived. I just called to make sure it was OK to visit, and the nurse says she's been doing well overall today, and is in good spirits, so we'll send someone in to visit (probably Dad). She should be much happier with her glasses. 

I’m so glad you were able to get the new glasses for her! Even under the best of circumstances, it’s so frustrating not to be able to see properly, but in your mom’s situation, it’s even more important that she’s getting those glasses. Yay!!!

[Lady Florida.]

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you and your family. Hugs.

[Dmmetler]

Sorry for the late update. We were getting L off to college this morning. 

According to the nurse, mom is having a great day and has been writing notes, watching TV, and generally feeling pretty good, so we brought Dad down to visit. She’s been really tired at night the last few days, so I’m hoping that coming earlier will be less strain on her, and more reassuring for him. He’s also feeling better now that it’s not so cold and his back isn’t hurting as much.

 

[Faith-manor]

I am so glad to hear your mom is in good spirits!

[Dmmetler]

Mom was resting this afternoon, but is generally doing well. She’s about to the stage of alertness she was before the trach, but is breathing more independently now, so overall, it’s an improvement. Still a long way to go, but she’s getting there. Having her glasses definitely helps. She’s found CBN, which may not be quite her preferred doctrine, but is good enough :). 

[Kassia]

3 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

 Still a long way to go, but she’s getting there.

Seems like very slow but steady progress.  Thank you for the updates.  Thinking of all of you.  

[Kanin]

2 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

Sorry for the late update. We were getting L off to college this morning. 

According to the nurse, mom is having a great day and has been writing notes, watching TV, and generally feeling pretty good, so we brought Dad down to visit. She’s been really tired at night the last few days, so I’m hoping that coming earlier will be less strain on her, and more reassuring for him. He’s also feeling better now that it’s not so cold and his back isn’t hurting as much.

 

Did your dad decide to do a sabbatical semester? 

[TravelingChris]

Iam so glad your parents are feeling better.

[Dmmetler]

L is safely back on campus and in the dorm, so that’s one less worry on my mind. Having a kid on the interstate today was nerve wracking. 

[Starr]

I’m so glad she’s tucked in safely. 

[Dmmetler]

1 hour ago, Kanin said:

Did your dad decide to do a sabbatical semester? 

He’s applying for one. Hopefully it will get approved. 

[Kanin]

13 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

He’s applying for one. Hopefully it will get approved. 

Yay! 

[Dmmetler]

I am very relieved L went back to campus yesterday. It’s pouring this morning.  

[TravelingChris]

13 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

I am very relieved L went back to campus yesterday. It’s pouring this morning.  

Yes, here too.  Yesterday was the best day to travel.  I am very glad she is back safely.

[ScoutTN]

1 hour ago, Dmmetler said:

I am very relieved L went back to campus yesterday. It’s pouring this morning.  

Yes, very ugly outside here too. Glad she’s not on the road!

[Faith-manor]

3 hours ago, Dmmetler said:

I am very relieved L went back to campus yesterday. It’s pouring this morning.  

I am relieved for you two. We were able to return both of our guys - in opposite directions - to their respective campuses. Mark left at 6 am with one of them, I left at 8 am, and we managed to make it home an hour before the freezing rain began. We each had easy drives (having delayed all week for blizzards and snow squalls/white out conditions), but squeaked in between weather grossness. Now we are.hunkered down again today. Winds are 30+, wind chill dropping, roads all icy and won't melt with salt because the temp is too low, not enough sun today.

Michigan winter is fraying my nerves. Mark's retirement and our move to our northern Alabama mountain house can't come soon enough!

[Dmmetler]

Just saw mom. She was pretty tired, but bragged about being able to breathe on her own for a bit. (According to the nurse, she can handle about 5 minutes before she starts hyperventilating, and they’re backing off the vent slowly). They’re doing most of the therapy stuff in the morning since she’s most awake and responsive then.

I’m not sure how much longer we’ll be able to visit at all. They increased restrictions again, and ICU is basically the only unit where visitation is allowed at all. 

 

[Amethyst]

Your mom sounds like a real trooper. I’m thinking of all of you often. 

[Dmmetler]

Having her glasses definitely helps a lot. It makes it much easier for her to write notes to communicate, watch church services on TV, and generally be more herself. 
 

She’s still got a long way to go, but there has been a lot of improvement since a week ago-and even more since the original accident. My dad has improved a lot, too. 
 

 

[fraidycat]

46 minutes ago, Dmmetler said:

Having her glasses definitely helps a lot. It makes it much easier for her to write notes to communicate, watch church services on TV, and generally be more herself. 
 

She’s still got a long way to go, but there has been a lot of improvement since a week ago-and even more since the original accident. My dad has improved a lot, too. 
 

 

I am so glad that both are making progress. 

I hope you are able to keep visiting to help keep your mom's spirits up, but I also hope stays safe from Covid so if they have to limit visitation to keep the patients safe it would suck but be understandable. Fingers crossed that all visitors and staff are Covid cautious. 

[Dmmetler]

11 hours ago, fraidycat said:

I am so glad that both are making progress. 

I hope you are able to keep visiting to help keep your mom's spirits up, but I also hope stays safe from Covid so if they have to limit visitation to keep the patients safe it would suck but be understandable. Fingers crossed that all visitors and staff are Covid cautious. 

Honestly, we’re it not that she’s in a building that is JUST trauma, I think visitation would have been closed by now. I know this is the case for the general hospital, as well as for the women’s hospital. I understand it. In both cases, they have a lot of Covid patients. 
 

But it would be really hard to NOT be able to see her in person since she can’t talk to us yet. I think it would be nearly impossible for my dad, especially. 

[Dmmetler]

Dad’s having a really tough morning. I think it’s hitting him that “extremely good progress” means a minute longer off the vent and a total of a few minutes a day more, not a miraculous recovery, and that things may never go back to normal. 
 

I hope that we can get the paperwork needed for the sabbatical/FMLA so he doesn’t have to worry about teaching…but at the same time,I’m a little worried that if he doesn’t have teaching to worry about, and mom’s still in the hospital with very limited visitation, he won’t have anything. 
 

I’m also realizing that I need to figure something out as far as meals. We’ve been doing far too much takeout. But with visiting happening right at dinner time, it’s definitely a struggle. 

[plaidpants]

For dinner, they're not the world's greatest, but not awful, especially with a salad or something-- those skillet meals from Bertolis or similar in the frozen section. Takes about 20 minutes, just dump and stir occasionally. Even less work than the crockpot.

How are you doing?

[Dmmetler]

4 minutes ago, plaidpants said:

For dinner, they're not the world's greatest, but not awful, especially with a salad or something-- those skillet meals from Bertolis or similar in the frozen section. Takes about 20 minutes, just dump and stir occasionally. Even less work than the crockpot.

How are you doing?

I’m tired. I think I did my crying and grieving in the first week, and now I’m just trying to get through. My goal today is to finish getting materials prepped for the Spring semester (most of which, fortunately, I’d done before L came home, so it’s mostly new students).