Help me bless a friend and not infringe on her pride

[footballmom]

A friend and her family are going through a hard time.  Her DH has not worked since two Christmases ago (in his field) and they are both piece mealing jobs to make what they can.  They have kids elementary through college ages.  We’ve been there with job loss for an extended period of time and I have a heart for her as the mama going into Christmas with things super hard.  
 

I’d like to bless her with some money - ideally for a little Christmas magic - but it would be her decision how to use it.  I’m torn on how to make the gift.  If I offer directly, she may refuse it outright and I would respect that decision.  They have a ring doorbell, so I can’t just slip it under their doormat type thing.

if you’ve been on the giving or receiving end of this, can you please share ideas / tips?   I’m totally good with her not knowing where it came from but would want to know she has it. 

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

4 minutes ago, footballmom said:

A friend and her family are going through a hard time.  Her DH has not worked since two Christmases ago (in his field) and they are both piece mealing jobs to make what they can.  They have kids elementary through college ages.  We’ve been there with job loss for an extended period of time and I have a heart for her as the mama going into Christmas with things super hard.  
 

I’d like to bless her with some money - ideally for a little Christmas magic - but it would be her decision how to use it.  I’m torn on how to make the gift.  If I offer directly, she may refuse it outright and I would respect that decision.  They have a ring doorbell, so I can’t just slip it under their doormat type thing.

if you’ve been on the giving or receiving end of this, can you please share ideas / tips?   I’m totally good with her not knowing where it came from but would want to know she has it. 

Last year DH and I covered Christmas for a family we knew in a similar situation.  I knew they’d never accept it if we handed it to them, but that they had five young children who weren’t getting Christmas, so I put it in a Christmas card and asked a mutual friend to give it to them but let us remain anonymous. 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Mrs Tiggywinkle

[MooCow]

I have the exact same idea about a someone I "know". I'm planning on using a third party to deliver the cash/prepaid cc to them and wishing them a happy holiday season anonymously.

[regentrude]

I have repeatedly sent money to a friend who is in dire straits. I approached her directly, told her I need to send her something (I didn't ask whether she needs - I just stated that I will), asked for her PayPal, and simply sent her money. The first time she made noises about paying me back once her situation improves, but I made it clear that this is a gift. (And that, if she wants to, she can gift me one of her paintings at some points). It was easy and not awkward.

 

[scbusf]

I have mailed a Visa gift card to someone and didn't put a return address on it.

[marbel]

9 minutes ago, scbusf said:

I have mailed a Visa gift card to someone and didn't put a return address on it.

I like this, but the OP would never know if the person actually received it. The mail is pretty reliable but things do get lost especially this time of year. 

I'd go with the mutual friend/third party dropoff.

I have paid a friend's gas/electric bill anonymously. The utility company made it really easy for me to do - like, it seemed apparent this is a thing people do. It's not as fun as receiving cash or a gift card, but it does free up $$ which can be used for other things.  Just another option. 

 

[cbollin]

29 minutes ago, footballmom said:

.  They have a ring doorbell, so I can’t just slip it under their doormat type thing.

if you’ve been on the giving or receiving end of this, can you please share ideas / tips?   I’m totally good with her not knowing where it came from but would want to know she has it. 

 

dress in Santa hat with a covid mask on your face?  and then slip the envelope by the door?

[Terabith]

6 minutes ago, cbollin said:

 

dress in Santa hat with a covid mask on your face?  and then slip the envelope by the door?

I like this idea!

[freesia]

My dh is a pastor and is often the go between I this kind of situation. If your friend has a spiritual leader, that would be another way. 

[MercyA]

You could mail it with a tracking number through the post office. You can print the label online. You might have to make up a return address. 🙂 (123 Anonymous St....) You'd be able to see when it was delivered. You could add "signature required" if you wanted to be really sure she got it.

[Farrar]

The most broke year of my childhood, after my mother had loudly announced that Christmas was canceled, we got a cashier's check anonymously delivered. It was so wild. My mother's name was even misspelled on it. We have never known where it came from. I will never forget its arrival two days before Christmas. My mother spent the next several hours basically weeping and calling everyone she could think of who might have orchestrated it. The next day, on Christmas eve, my mother went out, bought a tree, bought herself a new bedspread (hers was completely threadbare), bought presents for each of us kids, and bought groceries. 

My mother still says it was the most beautiful gift ever and the anonymous nature allowed her to just thank everyone she knew and feel love for everyone in her life and for the world as a whole.

I think these days, a Visa gift card would make the most sense.

[Eos]

Mashing up with MEMama's thread here: we once wrapped and snuck lots of gifts under a tree for a child who was getting none, because nobody locked their doors and it was before surveillance tech.  I've also arranged a third-party transfer of special glasses for someone who needed them but I think that might be hard if you are looking out for pride.  Certified mailing with a fake return address might be good but if I ever get signature required mail, I tend to think I'm in trouble.

[Eos]

39 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I think these days, a Visa gift card would make the most sense.

Agree.  Easy, her choices.  And certified mail means you'll know she got it.

[Spryte]

You already have great suggestions, but another idea that has worked here: if you see her in person, like at church or something, I’ve seen it slipped into a purse, on the top. A friend did this for someone and it worked well. (This would never work for me! From either end: I’m not sneaky enough to pull it off; and my purse is such a wreck it might take months before I found it! So use your judgment here.)

[Lori D.]

Get or make a gift basket with some non-perishable Christmas snacks in it, and inside the cellophane wrapping around the gift basket, include a card with the cash in the card, and a note saying: "Use this to make some Christmas magic for your family this year!"

Then ask a friend who is unknown to these people to help you. You and friend drive and park down the street, and friend walks to the house, rings the bell, and hand delivers the basket: "Are you so-and-so? Gift basket delivery for you. The card is inside. Have a very Merry Christmas!" And then friend scurries off before the basket gets opened, and you both flee before being discovered. 😉 

ETA
On second thought, maybe it's better to attach the card *outside* of the basket, with the "TO ___"family name"__" written on it. I have been known to re-gift things like gift baskets, esp. in years when things were tight. And you wouldn't want them to accidentally regift that lovely, generous gift for them to make some Christmas magic... 😉 

Edited December 5, 2021 by Lori D.

[ktgrok]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

The most broke year of my childhood, after my mother had loudly announced that Christmas was canceled, we got a cashier's check anonymously delivered. It was so wild. My mother's name was even misspelled on it. We have never known where it came from. I will never forget its arrival two days before Christmas. My mother spent the next several hours basically weeping and calling everyone she could think of who might have orchestrated it. The next day, on Christmas eve, my mother went out, bought a tree, bought herself a new bedspread (hers was completely threadbare), bought presents for each of us kids, and bought groceries. 

My mother still says it was the most beautiful gift ever and the anonymous nature allowed her to just thank everyone she knew and feel love for everyone in her life and for the world as a whole.

I think these days, a Visa gift card would make the most sense.

One year, when my ex DH and I were together and he was having medical issues and money was beyond tight - like, behind on the mortgage bad - his old college roommate and bestfriend's PARENTS gifted us 10K. We had never seen that much money before at once - ever. Like, we had maybe $50 in the bank. I still tear up thinking about it. 

We were able to catch up on all our bills and have money for groceries while he continued being evaluated for a heart transplant and was out of work for many months. 

[Ditto]

You guys are the best.  Such a  kind caring group of people.   

[JennyD]

Cash or cashier's check to a trusted third party (friend, religious leader, etc.).  

[chocolate-chip chooky]

This thread is making me a bit teary.

You are all so lovely 🌻

[Melissa Louise]

14 minutes ago, JennyD said:

Cash or cashier's check to a trusted third party (friend, religious leader, etc.).  

This. 

I know some people feel very uneasy.about totally anonymous gifts. Having it handled by a trusted third party can make it more comfortable for them. 

 

[footballmom]

You all are simply the best.  Thank you for sharing such great advice and wonderful stories - just hearing how this could bless her and her family makes me want to get it to her tonight! We only have two mutual friends, so that would get tricky and we don’t go to the same church.  
 

BUT your ideas and stories helped me decide on a great option: have one of my kids address an envelope like it would be mailed, have a third party ring their doorbell and say they live around the corner, this got put in their mailbox by mistake and give it to them. Then jet.  By the time they opened it, my delivery person would be long gone 🤩

[Catwoman]

I love the idea of helping your friend, but if anyone ever delivered an anonymous gift to my house, it would drive me insane trying to figure out who had sent it.

If I were you, I would just give her a card with money in it and add a little note about how I wanted to do something special for her and her family this Christmas. If you don’t want her to feel embarrassed about it, give it to her when you see her, but right as you’re saying goodbye, so she doesn’t have a chance to open it while you’re standing there. 

Some people like anonymous gifts, but others may think they are kind of creepy. You would probably know better than we would about how your friend might feel about it. 

[gardenmom5]

approach and offer her directly, include her in decisions of how best to proceed.  Tell her you she'll be able to "pay it forward" someday.  Today, you want to do it for her, and she is allowing you to be blessed by allowing you to serve her and her family.

A number of years ago - I was the one in your friend's place.  I had people anonymously send money.  one or two even dropped off boxes.  One day, as i was praying - a voice came and said "Kristen, accept what comes".  That was something that is very hard for me, and can trigger anxiety attacks.  (thanks grandma  . . . )  But - I needed to hear it because shortly afterwards, a friend called me up and said she wanted to do Christmas for my family.  The spirit had already told me to "accept what comes".  So, I didn't fight it.  She wanted my input, so I did make suggestions.  I'm sure she had her kids help wrap, and maybe even choose.  It's been many years, and when it is mentioned, she still says how that was her best Christmas ever.

Now - I'm in a position I can help other families, and it means more because I remember what it was like to be the one that was on the receiving end.

Eta: Just want to say - I had anonymous cash/gifts, and one's I knew.  This one friend, is the one I think about when I thing about the generosity our family received that Christmas.  It brought us closer.

Edited December 6, 2021 by gardenmom5

[plansrme]

Sounds like you have figured out something that will work, but I will tell you what I did--money orders (yes, you can still get money orders) in the mail. There is a dollar limit on how much you can buy without--something--I don't remember what; identification, maybe? But if you're over that, you'd have to go to two different stores. Anyway, I mailed the m.o. with a typed note about how I very much wished that that the recipient would not try to figure out our identities and would accept it in the spirit in which it was given. As far as we know, they complied. We learned later that they were able to keep their house out of foreclosure due to some sort of miraculous gift. We don't know for sure that it was ours was part of that, but someone's was.