First Christmas as a skinflint

[SKL]

Is it OK to just stop buying for someone you've always bought for?

I'm ready to be done buying for my brother's adult stepkids' progeny.  I plan to give each of my adult nieces/nephews (steps and otherwise) $50, whether they have a spouse/kids or not.  In the past, I've bought for these individuals' kids, who range in age from about 14 to 25.  One of these adults, about age 20, now has a 1yo child.  It's not that I have anything against these people, just ... where does it end?  I haven't seen any of these "kids" for years.  Some of them are estranged from the family, and I don't even know if they will get any gifts I prepare for them.  (Last year I gave gift cards via my SIL, but over time, there's usually one or two kids not talking to her for whatever reason.)  It is also very unlikely I'll see any of them this Christmas season, as I'm hoping to be out of town.  I don't have any of their addresses, and I don't want to bug their mom for that - she's battling cancer, and I don't want to rub salt in the wounds re the estrangement(s).

But ... will they feel hurt?  Especially the eldest, who noticed I've been the only extended family who always includes him in the gift giving.  And it's not like they couldn't all use the money.  It's really the logistics that have me stumped.  Who knew that giving someone a gift card could be complicated?

I'm also wondering what to do about one young adult relative who is officially estranged (last I heard, anyway).  If I'm giving a gift card to every other family member who is related that way, is it OK to leave her out?  I mean, I don't even know where she lives, and frankly, I don't care, but is it wrong?  It feels so strange.  But if I figure out her address and send her something, isn't that implying that I am on her side, which I'm not??

[Carol in Cal.]

Given that SIL is battling cancer, I think I’d wait a year.

However, I’d also ask your brother for all the addresses and start dealing with folks directly.  I would not assume that just because there is no reciprocity that there is no appreciation, and assuming it’s not hard to afford it, I’d just go ahead and send the usual gift cards this year, maybe just Christmas cards next year, and then maybe stick with that from then on.

[Beth S]

Each year, we think thru our Gift Giving List, adjusting the budget.

You are not a skinflint.  You are realizing that family circumstances change over time.

I think it's easy to transition from a gift to a Christmas Card with a loving message (& maybe a family pic) especially for those far flung relatives.  You can mail them to your siblings, if you can't easily get their current address.
Also, there are lots of minimalist youtubers who will describe how to back off some of the Christmas Gift expectations.

I tend to give photo-related gifts, which are high in sentimental value, and low on cost.
Or homemade bread, or other consumable treats.

I'm looking forward to hearing from others!

 

Edited December 4, 2021 by Beth S

[Jean in Newcastle]

Have you gotten any acknowledgments from any of them?  It sounds like perhaps you might have from the eldest since you know that he's noticed that he's included?  I would send to those who have acknowledged you in any way.  (This isn't a tit-for-tat thing but because I think that adults need to maintain their own relationships with even extended family.  It's not like they don't have your address after the years or couldn't ask their parents for it.) 

[Tap]

You can try googling for addressees and send greeting cards instead. If you can contact one, and think they will pass them on to others, then you can use that one address and ask them to distribute them. Put a note in that you miss them, and would like to stay  in contact. Ask them to update thier address with you. Maybe include a $10 Starbucks card if you feel you must do something and want a bridge from full present to no prez at all. If they don't update or reach out to you....then no card next year. 

It was awkward for me when dh's mil stopped giving the kids b-day prez. She used to send a card every year with $25. One year, she didn't send one to my middle dd. When we saw her a month later, I mentioned it to her, but in a sweet 'if you sent something, she didn't get it' informative way. She kinda mumbled something, and I didn't catch it. She sent her a card a week or two later. Then the following year, she didn't send anything to my oldest ds either and at first I thought maybe she was starting to enforce an age limit or something....I had no idea!  She isn't approachable at all about such topics. Then she didn't send anything to the youngest on her birthday, so I guess she decided to stop all together. That year, I gave my youngest the money instead because she was saving for something and checking the mail every day.  Then I felt horrible that I said something the first time! I would have rather she just sent a card with birthday wishes or texted me and told me she was changing her gifting plans. That would be no big deal to me, but it is hard when you have kids waiting anxiously for a gift that never arrives. 

 

[Rosie_0801]

I'd say anyone who has acknowledged gifts in the past can be downgraded to a Christmas card to themselves or maybe a small gift to their offspring. Anyone who never bothered and hasn't even texted you in the past year can be forgotten about. 

[kokotg]

My husband has an aunt who lives across the country and who we haven't seen in many years (and, honestly, might never see again. I've only met her once that I can remember in the 25 years we've been together. She and my MIL are not close and almost never talk to each other either. There's no bad blood or anything; they're just not close). She always sends my kids presents; it used to be clothes, and I think she kind of enjoyed picking out baby/little kid clothes because she doesn't have kids of her own, but now it's usually Amazon gift cards. We appreciate it and they always send a thank you note, but....really, they/we would not be at all hurt if she stopped and I'd be a little relieved. It feels awkward to me that we get gifts from someone we pretty much never interact with otherwise. 

[mum]

 I have 11 nieces and nephews, and I am not going to give gifts to them in perpetuity, and certainly not to their kids that come along. I love my family and none are estranged. It just gets to be a LOT. And it's not tit-for-tat, but when I did give them gifts, I got zero acknowledgement, even though the older half of them all have my cell phone number. So clearly the gifts I sent had no significance. I am thinking of other ways to keep up with them all.

I did email both of my sisters in August and say that I didn't plan to send gifts any more, and that I did not expect them to send to me either. One responded, a bit snippily, and one did not even acknowledge the email. Funnily enough, both have sent a gift to us this year, and they have arrived already (in the past gifts came on or after Christmas). And I have ended up sending a small gift to each of their families (not individuals). But to have the expectation  gone was a great relief. I think it sets me up well for the future, for when the nieces and nephews are all adults and on their own. Once they are not at home for Christmas and can be part of the family gift, they just won't get anything any more.

In my opinion, Christmas was not meant to be a gift for every individual relation as far as the eye could see. That came from the marketing industry.

[regentrude]

Sure it's OK. Just because you gave gifts in the past doesn't mean you have to continue for eternity. Especially if you don't have a real relationship otherwise.

Participating in the gift-giving stuff-buying craze isn't a measure of love or caring. You can opt out.

Eta: we don't do gifts for our siblings and their offspring. Just our kids, their partners, and our parents. Who needs more stuff??

Edited December 4, 2021 by regentrude

[Bambam]

Some of my family send my kids gifts, some don't. It's fine. I did the same thing. Some of those nieces/nephews I don't know at all.  And I don't even have a clue as to their birthdays.  My kids are adults now still sends presents and one childless aunt. And those are because they chose to do so. There is no expectation, but my kids do send thank you notes. Which is probably my influence - if someone went to the time/trouble/effort/$$ to get you a present, the least you can do is send a nice thank you note back. 

[teachermom2834]

I’ve encouraged people to stop when my kids reach adulthood. It has to stop somewhere and we are not big adult gift givers. My MIL, who is not particularly generous, called the other day to inform me my 23 yo and 21 yo were out and she is only sending to the 13 yo and 18 yo. I told her that was absolutely fine and a great time to stop. Assured her over and over it was fine. She said she didn’t want do it anymore because they are grown and working. I agreed.

Then a few days later she called and said she changed her mind because she felt guilty. So now she is sending $20 each to my adult kids even though she has said she doesn’t want to. 
 

I wish she wouldn’t and I wish we hadn’t had all the discussion about it! No one in my family wants this level of drama and discomfort over $20. And I’m pretty sure one of my adults will not send a thank you and the drama will perpetuate another year. 
 

I say do what you feel comfortable with and want to do. It is okay to change direction. 

[Carol in Cal.]

I would like to add—I think it’s not a bad idea to set a policy.  Mine is, if you’re in the room with me you get a present, and if you’re not you don’t.  Also, I give couples’ gifts and families of kids gifts.  Nothing super individual, but always personal to that family.  That way adults without kids don’t get left out, which is often the case, and transitions away from presents are easy and natural.  I know that’s not helpful to the OP but am mentioning it because it worked well for me and maybe would for some others.

[WildflowerMom]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Have you gotten any acknowledgments from any of them?  It sounds like perhaps you might have from the eldest since you know that he's noticed that he's included?  I would send to those who have acknowledged you in any way.  (This isn't a tit-for-tat thing but because I think that adults need to maintain their own relationships with even extended family.  It's not like they don't have your address after the years or couldn't ask their parents for it.) 

Exactly what I’d do.  I still give my (step) nephew21 a Christmas gift.  I’m sure I always will.   He also calls us and thanks us and calls us randomly during the year.   If they don’t acknowledge the gift (or you), I just would stop gifting.   

[Frances]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

Sure it's OK. Just because you gave gifts in the past doesn't mean you have to continue for eternity. Especially if you don't have a real relationship otherwise.

Participating in the gift-giving stuff-buying craze isn't a measure of love or caring. You can opt out.

Eta: we don't do gifts for our siblings and their offspring. Just our kids, their partners, and our parents. Who needs more stuff??

We only do gifts for the same group and even then, very limited ones. Fortunately, our son and his partner are completely on board with gift giving not being the central part of Christmas.

We did do Christmas/birthday gifts for our nieces when they were younger. All of them are close in age  and fortunately, at some point all of the parents mutually agreed to stop all of the gift giving. On the rare occasions we see them in person, we usually gift them with experiences we enjoy together. Since we are in regular contact with all of them, we know what they would like to do.

We never had an issue with not receiving thank you notes and our son always wrote them. Personally, I would easily remove anyone who hasn’t regularly acknowledged the gift. And if they are adults, I would deal with them directly and not through the parents.

 

[City Mouse]

Sometimes I am happy that I don’t have a big gift giving extended family. We generally only give gifts to family members that we see in person for the holidays (which now means nobody). I do send gifts to my parents. My siblings were all happy to not have to worry about gifts and the kids always had more than enough stuff. When we were mailing out gifts, it was usually a Christmas ornament (sent the same ornament to every family).

[lmrich]

I vote for stopping. Send a card with a hand written note to let them know you are thinking about them and wishing them all the best. 

 

[MooCow]

I will no longer give gifts to anybody who does not issue me either a verbal thank you or some type of written/text thank you. This is probably why the mailman and I have not talked in years. 

However the mailman we had for the first 12 years we lived here, it was a blast and he always thanked me with a card and he would partake of stuff that was delivered like when I bought girl Scout cookies from my niece in Arizona LOL 

It's one of my pet peeves. I always always do a thank you. 

 

[lynn]

We stopped extended family years ago.  All the nieces and nephews are adults with families of their own.  If we see them at Christmas we will get them gifts but that about it.  Besides my parents we as a family stopped exchange going gifts if got to be like trading $50 back and forth and everyone is good with that.  My own family is growing we added a daughter in law and a grandbaby this year.    Do what you feel is right for you and your family no explanation needed.

[MercyA]

Oh, wow, that would make me crazy. DH, DD, and I buy for each other, for the two sets of grandparents, and for great-grandma. That's it. No siblings, nieces, or nephews. Nieces and nephews get a monetary gift for graduation and for marriages, babies, etc. If we're invited to a birthday party, we bring a gift.

My siblings and I agreed to this years and years ago and it's been wonderful. So much less stress and expense for everyone. My brother and his wife are even more hard-core--they only attend 1st birthday parties.

On DH's side, we gradually switched from drawing names to a white elephant exchange to nothing and it's so much nicer. I was so, so embarassed the year we were told over and over again that the limit was $10. I brought my giftee a funny desk calendar and other people brought stuff like small kitchen appliances. 

SKL, I would switch to Christmas cards for far-flung relatives, except for those you actually hear from. You are very sweet. ❤️

Edited December 4, 2021 by MercyA

[KungFuPanda]

I’m a Love the One You’re With kinda girl. If I spend the holiday with you, we can exchange gifts. Otherwise there is no reason for merchandise to change hands. The pandemic has hit the restart button on how we do a lot of things. This can be a do-over for you. I kinda liked Rosie’s advice. 

[SKL]

I had a conversation with my sister, and I think I've decided the following.

• I'll email my brothers for the addresses of their adult children and grandchildren, explaining that I'm preparing to send Christmas cards this year.
• I can decide later about who gets what - definitely gift cards for my siblings, maybe for my nieces/nephews, but the next generation down will probably only get Christmas cards.  Those who care about the connection won't be hurt, and those who don't care about the connection won't be hurt either.

[Resilient]

I'm late to the conversation but I want to pipe up and say (with ignorance of previous posts) that the Christmases where we set a $25 limit on all gifts AND the number of gifts given by/for each person were the most delightful.  People got creative and we just had a blast.

Shipping costs were exempt, but I was seriously annoyed by them.  My sister spent more on shipping than on gifts.  I just want to be done with anything past age 30.  Give to a charity or something. Or send a gift card. 

[Shoeless]

3 hours ago, Resilient said:

I'm late to the conversation but I want to pipe up and say (with ignorance of previous posts) that the Christmases where we set a $25 limit on all gifts AND the number of gifts given by/for each person were the most delightful.  People got creative and we just had a blast.

Shipping costs were exempt, but I was seriously annoyed by them.  My sister spent more on shipping than on gifts.  I just want to be done with anything past age 30.  Give to a charity or something. Or send a gift card. 

I feel this so much.  It's not that I don't care about my extended family, but good grief. We're adults that can buy whatever we need or want.  I don't like the obligation to buy a gift otherwise someone feels sniffy and doubts how I feel about them.

[Carrie12345]

On 12/4/2021 at 1:24 PM, SKL said:

I'm ready to be done buying for my brother's adult stepkids' progeny.  I plan to give each of my adult nieces/nephews (steps and otherwise) $50, whether they have a spouse/kids or not.  In the past, I've bought for these individuals' kids, who range in age from about 14 to 25.  One of these adults, about age 20, now has a 1yo child.  It's not that I have anything against these people, just ... where does it end? 

IMO, wherever you want it to.

In my family, we cull from the top down. Gifts are focused to the youngest people. So, when my mom’s generation had multiple kids, the siblings/spouses switched to a secret Santa draw for themselves for a few years and bought for nieces and nephews. My siblings and I no longer exchange gifts, but buy for each other’s kids. As our kids get older and/or have kids, they’ll phase out and any little ones will get presents.
(My kids were already shifted to “family gifts” because there were so many. Relief on everyone’s end!)

I don’t think you need to worry about hurt feelings. If someone, especially in their 20s, is hurt that a relative they rarely ever see hasn’t sent them a gift, they’ve got some inner work to do!
Alternately, a card with an invitation to lunch or coffee in the new year (assuming safety and comfort in these unprecedented times) would be, imo, a very lovely gesture… that not every individual will take up.

Your plan is fine!