Maid on Netflix--has anyone else watched? (trigger-abuse)

[MercyA]

I thought this show did an excellent job illustrating how difficult it can be for a woman to escape an abuser. The acting and casting were top-notch. Nice to see Andie MacDowell again!

If you've seen it, let me know what you thought.

No spoilers please for those who might just be starting the show. (Or at least warn in large letters, SPOILER AHEAD!!) 🙂

Edited October 19, 2021 by MercyA

[Just Kate]

I haven’t yet, but it is on my list and I will watch it soon. But did you know that the daughter in the show is Andie MacDowell’s daughter in real life? I found that to be pretty interesting. 

Edited October 19, 2021 by Just Kate

[MercyA]

33 minutes ago, Just Kate said:

I haven’t yet, but it is on my list and I will watch it soon. But did you know that the daughter in the show is Andie MacDowell’s daughter in real life? I found that to be pretty interesting. 

No! I had no idea! That is really cool!

[prairiewindmomma]

I haven’t seen it yet, but I read the memoir it’s based on by Stephanie Land. It was a NYT Bestseller.

[The Governess]

I watched it. I thought it was really well done. The scenes where she couldn’t get up from the couch did such a good job of illustrating the paralysis that can happen in such situations. I thought the acting was great and I loved the little girl that played her daughter. I also loved the woman who ran the shelter. 
 

The show was such a good reminder that just one small act of kindness can literally change someone’s life. 

[OH_Homeschooler]

Yes, and I got sucked right in. It was so good. Loved the scenery and music too. All around perfect.

[skimomma]

I watched it and thought it was very well done.  

My only "complaint" is that despite how many legitimate roadblocks the main character faces, it still does not touch the true hopelessness many in her position face.  I have never heard of a DV shelter that was so nice with individual spaces for family units....especially that had openings on demand.  And the job/money/helpers math is just not how it works for many.  The main character actually had a lot more lifelines than usual.   They were clean, dressed, and fed almost continually.  Who has a car gifted to them or has offers to stay rent-free in posh studio apartments?  Pretty much no one.  I think it was eye-opening but paints a rosier picture than many truly live through.

[catz]

I really thought it was good.  I liked how they showed the math when she was shopping, that just speaks so well to shopping while low income.  We are not low income, but I was brought into a low income home.  My parents were upper middle class by the time I was a young adult, they built their own business.  But the micro budgeting never stopped.  Both DH and I still think this way (his parents were both blue collar workers, he is first gen college grad).  

I do agree with the previous poster that not all aspects were realistic.  Both that the main character had a lot of lifelines.  And that she was portrayed as endlessly patient as a parent, sober, good problem solving skills, etc.   I think it is so much harder to be that person consistently all day every day when it is coming at you at you from all angles.  The ending was gratifying but not necessarily realistic either.  I was glad they had the scenes with her being and feeling trapped and thought that bit was well done.  

I wish I had read the book first, it's on my list now!

[Farrar]

See, I didn't feel like she had that many lifelines in some ways. When I've known people in really difficult situations, they usually have had a lot more of a network of friends even if they're not asking for help or are refusing it. Like, when I've known folks who are in that sort of situation, it's been the case that meanwhile, friends are all saying, I wish she'd ask for help, I wish I could do something, I can't stand how he treats her, etc. I found it really bleak that she had so few people she could turn to just among her friendships.

But, on the other hand, the savior guy who was into her and the rich lady and the magic DV shelter were lifelines that were SUPER unrealistic and a little too perfect at times, so I totally agree on that.

I think they tried to portray how mentally afflicted someone in that situation can be, but it also felt like her recovery was a little too simple. They didn't make it some perfect straight line, but obviously it was a little too pat in places. Same with the resolutions (such as they were) with the ex. Not a straight line, but also, without going into detail, the ending was a bit too pat for me.

[plansrme]

1 hour ago, skimomma said:

I watched it and thought it was very well done.  

My only "complaint" is that despite how many legitimate roadblocks the main character faces, it still does not touch the true hopelessness many in her position face.  I have never heard of a DV shelter that was so nice with individual spaces for family units....especially that had openings on demand.  And the job/money/helpers math is just not how it works for many.  The main character actually had a lot more lifelines than usual.   They were clean, dressed, and fed almost continually.  Who has a car gifted to them or has offers to stay rent-free in posh studio apartments?  Pretty much no one.  I think it was eye-opening but paints a rosier picture than many truly live through.

But for any DV victims watching, and I am sure there are some, if they'd pictured everyone as an ogre along the way, wouldn't they all have decided it wasn't worth seeking help? I actually loved that the woman in social services and the woman at the DV shelter were kind even though she expected them to be harsh and judgmental. 

I am not all the way through the series (maybe episode 4?), but I appreciate the allusion to her mother's possibly being a current (and potentially past) DV victim, with the way the current boyfriend controls her money. I don't know much about DV, but it seems like the kind of thing that would be generational. (Although my absolutely favorite thing about Andie Macdowell's character was when she was embroidering the t-shirts.)

[Farrar]

I liked the way the money was done on the screen as a recurring thing. I thought that worked pretty well.

I also liked the portrayal when she was struggling of the hole and the muffled voices. 

The social worker was one of the most realistic characters and realistic visions of help that I thought was in there. She's annoyed with her, frustrated by everything, slightly gruff, super helpful, but also can't fix much. Seems about right.

[lmrich]

I was just watching an episode while ironing and I got Jane Erye vibes. Jane lived by her own standards and integrity; she had several lifelines as well. I am not done watching Maid so I might be totally off. 

Now to join my dh watching the baseball game - Go Braves!

[TechWife]

I lasted less than 15 minutes. I don’t need to go there again. 

I don’t know why we consider shows with such scent to be entertainment. It is not entertaining. I wonder if this is why abuse isn’t taken seriously by some people. 

Edited October 20, 2021 by TechWife

[J-rap]

30 minutes ago, TechWife said:

I lasted less than 15 minutes. I don’t need to go there again. 

I don’t know why we consider shows with such scent to be entertainment. It is not entertaining. I wonder if this is why abuse isn’t taken seriously by some people. 

I've only watched the first episode, and haven't decided if I'll watch more yet.  But I assume that part of the reason for this series is to help people understand the dire circumstances people live in?  At least, that's how the first episode affected me.  I didn't think of it as entertaining as much as enlightening.

[scbusf]

I haven't watched it yet, but I read the book a couple of years ago.

[MercyA]

1 hour ago, J-rap said:

I've only watched the first episode, and haven't decided if I'll watch more yet.  But I assume that part of the reason for this series is to help people understand the dire circumstances people live in?  At least, that's how the first episode affected me.  I didn't think of it as entertaining as much as enlightening.

Yes. It did a good job showing how hard it is to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" when you don't have boots.

I found I couldn't watch multiple episodes at once. I had to take breaks.

[MercyA]

1 hour ago, TechWife said:

I lasted less than 15 minutes. I don’t need to go there again. 

I don’t know why we consider shows with such scent to be entertainment. It is not entertaining. I wonder if this is why abuse isn’t taken seriously by some people. 

Agreeing with J-rap that it wasn't entertaining so much as enlightening .It was enjoyable in the sense that it was very well done, but wasn't a "fun" show to watch. I don't think it was really intended to be.

[Farrar]

Sometimes art is exploitative of a situation, but I didn't see this as like that at all. It has some too pat, slightly soapy moments, but I thought it took her experiences very seriously and attempted to convey them in a mass audience friendly way. There was clearly a lot of political commentary in there about how difficult the system is - even though, as pointed out here, it didn't even make it as difficult as it can be for many. I totally agree with J-Rap's point about how it shows that many of the preconceptions are wrong. Even for those who "know" that, it can still be illuminating.

Stories are powerful and telling stories about difficult things is something I'm glad we do as a society sometimes. I'm glad there are also stories that are about escapism and happy stuff. And I'm glad we can choose.

[TechWife]

11 hours ago, MercyA said:

Agreeing with J-rap that it wasn't entertaining so much as enlightening .It was enjoyable in the sense that it was very well done, but wasn't a "fun" show to watch. I don't think it was really intended to be.

Not all entertainment is fun, though. It captures the imagination. There is some benefit to raising awareness, but raising awareness is performative and costs observers nothing. Make no mistake - the reason this show is available is because Netflix believes it will be a money maker for them. It has created a lot of buzz and there are people who will subscribe to Netflix to see what “everyone” is talking about. Even a temporary subscriber makes money for them. 

These types of shows have hidden cultural costs, IMO. 

[Farrar]

I'm curious what you think of Stephanie Land profiting off her own story, then TechWife? Like, I assume she made a great deal of money off the rights for her memoir.

[madteaparty]

It’s the only decent thing on TV so I’m watching. However, I do not find the actress for the main role convincing at all. There’s something slightly…aristocratic? About the way she carries herself that doesn’t work with this role. I’’ very familiar with the scenarios she finds herself in, including DV shelters, etc and I feel often people are a bit… slumped down from just the weight of it all. 

[Lawana]

3 hours ago, madteaparty said:

It’s the only decent thing on TV so I’m watching. However, I do not find the actress for the main role convincing at all. There’s something slightly…aristocratic? About the way she carries herself that doesn’t work with this role. I’’ very familiar with the scenarios she finds herself in, including DV shelters, etc and I feel often people are a bit… slumped down from just the weight of it all. 

As for the aristocratic carriage of Margaret Qualley, she trained as a ballerina. I had to look that up after some of the dancing scenes. I thought she did a pretty good job of toning down her posture, if in fact she did. 
 

In general, I found Maid pretty triggering and had to take breaks. I am recently divorced from a marriage that had elements of psychological abuse. Also, my family of origin was abusive and neglectful. I can’t figure out if the despair that is inherent in abusive relationships was well represented. 
 

What was funny to me was the completely unrealistic depiction of house cleaning. Three hours to clean a large house and she was cleaning the oven and washing windows? But hey, it’s just a show. 

[TechWife]

7 hours ago, Farrar said:

I'm curious what you think of Stephanie Land profiting off her own story, then TechWife? Like, I assume she made a great deal of money off the rights for her memoir.

I don't know her, so I don't know what her intent was, nor how closely anyone involved in sharing her story adhered to her intent, so I really can't comment on this. It would be an interesting question to ask her about five years from now, after she has absorbed the reactions/results of her sharing her story so publicly.

In general, there are a lot of people who are good story tellers. I have no problem with someone submitting an autobiographical piece for publication or production, and I have no problem with them getting paid for the work they put into their craft. It's often the reaction of others to an autobiographical story that can be problematic.

 

 

Edited October 20, 2021 by TechWife

[fairfarmhand]

7 hours ago, Farrar said:

I'm curious what you think of Stephanie Land profiting off her own story, then TechWife? Like, I assume she made a great deal of money off the rights for her memoir.

I'm curious how her family members feel about their parts of the story. The ex-boyfriend (husband?) her parents, the others who were cast in a less favorable light. Are they still living? Do they still keep in touch?

[Farrar]

13 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I'm curious how her family members feel about their parts of the story. The ex-boyfriend (husband?) her parents, the others who were cast in a less favorable light. Are they still living? Do they still keep in touch?

I don't know. The parents in the show aren't based on her parents (who are apparently barely in the book at all) so that may just not be an issue. But obviously the ex is real and based on her ex at least on some level. There are some big differences between her memoir (which was a big best seller, but I haven't read it) and the show. But she's also said the show "does justice" to her story and was in contact with the writers and crew and has shared a bunch of photos - like one of her daughter with the horde of My Little Ponys - that show some of the things from the show in "real life."

Some things that are in the media - especially stories about drugs and suicide - can trigger people to have the exact opposite effect of the intention of the story. A story about the dangers of drugs can lead to more people doing drugs, for example. I'm not aware of any such stats for DV. I think that's honestly unlikely because it's such a different issue. For one thing, the show is clearly aimed at women who are much more likely to be the victims of DV, not the perpetrators, and so are unlikely to... what? Create more DV cases from romanticizing the messages in the show. But I can imagine that the actual fallout could be good or bad. And that's separate from whether it's good art or not. I didn't find it amazing. It was okay. I thought parts were extremely well-done, others were a bit soapy and over the top, others were thought provoking, but only in a sort of sophomoric way. That's not necessarily a hard criticism... I think issues need deep, literary explorations and surface mass consumption stories and I don't have anything against "middlebrow" or even "lowbrow" media necessarily. I did wonder if the book was "better" though.

[MercyA]

2 hours ago, Lawana said:

What was funny to me was the completely unrealistic depiction of house cleaning. Three hours to clean a large house and she was cleaning the oven and washing windows? But hey, it’s just a show. 

Right?!? I've cleaned houses and hotel rooms and I grew up with my mom cleaning houses. Definitely not realistic in that way!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and for the note about the main actress having trained as a ballerina. Very interesting!

[Idalou]

The author is on Twitter and very vocal. I've asked her questions a couple times in the past before she announced about Netflix and she did answer them. I've only read the book, as I'm usually disappointed with film versions of books.

[Frances]

5 hours ago, Lawana said:

What was funny to me was the completely unrealistic depiction of house cleaning. Three hours to clean a large house and she was cleaning the oven and washing windows? But hey, it’s just a show. 

I started it when it was first available and have mixed feelings. I might eventually finish it. But yes, this. The house cleaning was completely and utterly unrealistic on multiple levels.

Edited October 21, 2021 by Frances

[TechWife]

I thought I’d elaborate on what I mean by hidden cultural cost. I’m not thinking about whether or not it would increase domestic violence - although that’s an interesting question for a researcher to explore and I’d certainly read an article or two on it. The impacts I’m thinking about include: 

People mistake awareness for compassion and action - Think about breast cancer awareness month. The pink ribbon campaign was started with good intentions - Raise awareness to promote screenings and solicit funds for research. Several years in, awareness is certainly better, but as for funding- the pink ribbon has been adopted by hundreds of companies as a marketing tool, with very little of the profits actually going to breast cancer research. So, there is a bit of no illusion that this is a great fundraiser, but it really isn’t.

Exploitation for personal recognition - this is a little confusing sounding - I’m not sure how to word my overall concern. People tell their stories and then others retell their stories for them. The motives people have for retelling stories are many, but often times it’s a way to gain personal attention, credibility or influence for the re-teller, not for the benefit of the person or issue who actually is the subject of the story, if that makes sense. 
 

Skews public perception of reality - someone has already mentioned above about some aspects of getting help weren’t realistic. That has the potential to cause some to think that getting out of an abusive relationship is easier than it really is, so while it may have raised awareness, it may have done so in such a way as to minimize the difficulty of doing that. The cultural cost may be that people don’t gain or may even lose a sense of urgency to develop solutions that help over time vs. crisis intervention. A person might financially support attorney funding, for example, but not realize the long term benefit of funding child care for a DV survivor so they can go to work, or therapy, or whatever they need to do to become healthier. They may assume everyone has someone that will step in and help, when that isn’t the case. 

Children- stories that involve children sometimes don’t consider the child’s need for privacy, or that one day a small child will be a teen and then an adult and will view things in a different light as they mature. I think people should have control over their own stories and should be the ones to decide how much, if anything, they want others to know about their personal life. Just for a personal example - my son has had some serious illnesses. Often people would crawl out of the woodwork and go out of their way to get inside information. These are the people I referred to as story re-tellers earlier. Once I figured out the retelling thing, I was very careful to protect my son’s privacy and his dignity. There is a lot of indignity to being sick, and people simply don’t need to know all of the details that someone might find embarrassing at their current stage of life or when they get older. “Yes, he is still on the vent, thank you for praying” is all I need to say. I can reserve info on the details of what is happening to his body while he is on the vent for close family and very, very close friends. I am sometimes asked to tell our healthcare story in various contexts. My son is an adult - the story of what happened to his body is his to tell. I limit my story to just that - my story. My impressions, my story of waiting room stress, the compassion the staff extended to me, how things were explained to me in a way I understood, my experience of parenting a child with medical problems. That’s it. I can’t tell the story of what it’s like to have the medical problems, what it’s like to wake up after sleeping  days away & to learn all that happened to my body or what it feels like to be helpless, or get PT. Over sharing on the part of the parent can impact family culture, erode trust and impact a child’s friendships in the near and far term. 
 

Anyway - that’s all I can think of to relate at the moment. 

Edited October 21, 2021 by TechWife

[madteaparty]

6 hours ago, Lawana said:

As for the aristocratic carriage of Margaret Qualley, she trained as a ballerina. I had to look that up after some of the dancing scenes. I thought she did a pretty good job of toning down her posture, if in fact she did. 

What was funny to me was the completely unrealistic depiction of house cleaning. Three hours to clean a large house and she was cleaning the oven and washing windows? But hey, it’s just a show. 

Hmm, I didn’t think she toned it down at all… anyway, I agree the depicting of housecleaning is insanely unrealistic. 

[Lawana]

2 hours ago, madteaparty said:

Hmm, I didn’t think she toned it down at all… anyway, I agree the depicting of housecleaning is insanely unrealistic. 

I saw heard forward and rounded shoulders on occasion that I do not associate with extensive ballet training. YMMV

[SeaConquest]

On 10/19/2021 at 8:08 PM, Farrar said:

Sometimes art is exploitative of a situation, but I didn't see this as like that at all. It has some too pat, slightly soapy moments, but I thought it took her experiences very seriously and attempted to convey them in a mass audience friendly way. There was clearly a lot of political commentary in there about how difficult the system is - even though, as pointed out here, it didn't even make it as difficult as it can be for many. I totally agree with J-Rap's point about how it shows that many of the preconceptions are wrong. Even for those who "know" that, it can still be illuminating.

Stories are powerful and telling stories about difficult things is something I'm glad we do as a society sometimes. I'm glad there are also stories that are about escapism and happy stuff. And I'm glad we can choose.

Agreeing with this. I force myself to watch difficult stories because it helps me to be a more empathic person if I have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes -- even if only on screen for a few hours. I think that it's important for us to sit with that discomfort in order to better understand the barriers that people in her position are facing. If you're uncomfortable watching a series about DV, about poverty, about the exploitation of marginalized people, my response to that is: good -- now go do something about it. Volunteer your time, donate your money, vote to pass laws/elect people that will help people in her position, whatever. Just do something. Don't look away because it's uncomfortable.

ETA: Yes, simply watching and doing nothing can be exploitive and/or performative, or it can result in greater understanding and a call to action. I don't have an issue with giving people that choice. 

Edited October 21, 2021 by SeaConquest

[MEmama]

35 minutes ago, SeaConquest said:

Agreeing with this. I force myself to watch difficult stories because it helps me to be a more empathic person if I have to walk a mile in someone else's shoes -- even if only on screen for a few hours. I think that it's important for us to sit with that discomfort in order to better understand the barriers that people in her position are facing. If you're uncomfortable watching a series about DV, about poverty, about the exploitation of marginalized people, my response to that is: good -- now go do something about it. Volunteer your time, donate your money, vote to pass laws/elect people that will help people in her position, whatever. Just do something. Don't look away because it's uncomfortable.

ETA: Yes, simply watching and doing nothing can be exploitive and/or performative, or it can result in greater understanding and a call to action. I don't have an issue with giving people that choice. 

I totally agree. Discomfort is how we grow.

Because of this thread I watched the first episode last night. Ooof. I’ll admit it was tough; I tend to feel deeply and often struggle not allowing difficult issues overwhelm me, even those I don’t have personal experience with. I’ve decided I’m going to continue watching, though. It’s a story many of us don’t have to personally confront, but looking away can never lead us to empathy and solutions. 

[Farrar]

18 hours ago, madteaparty said:

Hmm, I didn’t think she toned it down at all… anyway, I agree the depicting of housecleaning is insanely unrealistic. 

Hilariously, I think that was very toned down for a classically trained ballet dancer. My son doesn't even know how to slouch, lol.

[Melissa Louise]

On 10/21/2021 at 12:57 PM, TechWife said:

People mistake awareness for compassion and action

This.

If you watched this show and are now more 'aware', what are you doing with that awareness?