Positive Stories of Social Isolation

[Lawyer&Mom]

Please share your positive stories of social isolation, specifically kids who spent extended periods of time interacting exclusively, or nearly exclusively, with their immediate family members and who turned out pretty okay.  Remote farms, desert islands, far flung missionaries, hostage situations, whatever.  (Aka, help me feel better about our pandemic situation...)

[kokotg]

Laura Ingalls Wilder. We were listening to the audiobook of The Long Winter back in March when things got going here, and I've had many reasons to call to mind parallels since then. 

[Arctic Bunny]

When we lived in the Arctic, the kids and I only saw people there other than DH a couple of times a year. We flew out every six months and saw grandparents and stores and crowds. Even once we moved south, the only people they’ve been able to count on to be around are each other. Now, at 16 & 14, they have friends at school, and online friends. Once in a blue moon they are alone overnight, and more often than not, they end up watching a movie or tv show together. They do, on occasion, choose to hang out together. It’s not often, but maybe more than some. And it has definitely made this whole pandemic thing a bit more bearable.

[wendyroo]

I don't have a "turned out pretty okay" story, but I did want to share our personal turning out pretty okay story.

My boys are not models of social interaction. With their autism, special needs, mental illness, inflexible thinking...they are pretty much social disasters. I've always had competing desires. On one hand, I really wanted them to have friends, attend play dates, go to classes, frolic with other kids at the park. On the other hand, I really wanted them to have social successes, to feel positively about spending time with others. The bottom line has always been, that my boys are not neurotypical enough to experience success at play dates, typical classes, unstructured at the park, independently with their peers, etc. Realistically, one of my boys cannot even safely be at a class, play date, park, etc, and that greatly limits my other kids logistically.

For the last year, though...well, it certainly is not a happily ever after story. My 9 year old is still violent, destructive and dangerous, and that impacts everything. But, there have been a lot of social positives for us (and we are still completely quarantining; my kids have not been around any peers since last March).

Now that the boys aren't interacting with neurotypical peers, they are experiencing a lot more social success. Their goal does not have to be to fit in or be accepted by peers, but rather just to find ways to have fun with siblings who are also non-neurotypical. They all cry during board games, snatch toys, try to enforce rigid pretend play rules, argue incessantly about turn taking, etc. And while none of them are happy when their siblings do those things, and the house often rings with screams and growls of fury, they still are choosing to play together far more than they were.

Since we have eliminated all our "socialization", we have a lot more free time in our days. The kids now spend a couple hours a day playing: board games, dress up, buying/selling/bartering games, lego, in the snow, spool knitting races 😀, etc.

Again, I don't know if this will turn out okay in the long run. What I do know is that it has been an interesting social shift for my kids. Before, I spent a lot of time trying to "socialize" them, and they spent a lot of time unhappy, drained, being dragged places in the car, tantrumming, and avoiding peer interaction. Now I keep them from killing each other, and they spend hours every day socializing amongst themselves in their own awkward, dysfunctional, non-neurotypical ways.

[Carrie12345]

I don’t know your kids’ ages, but my dds were pretty dang isolated from toddlerhood to around ages 9 and 10 or so.  Not 100%, but definitely very little outside interaction.  I had a very hard time settling into our community while having two more kids, the last one with medical issues, and my very oldest was in school with ASD that took a lot of time and energy.

I wouldn’t call them normal but, at 17 and 18, they fit into relatively polite society and have friendships, relationships, volunteer commitments, and solid employment qualifications.

 

[Lawyer&Mom]

My kids are 5 and 7 and they spent ages 4 months through 4 and 6 in full time school environments.  So they certainly have social experience.  We are a not-Neurotypical household, so maybe some intensive not-Neurotypical time is a good thing...  

[Innisfree]

12 minutes ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

We are a not-Neurotypical household

Us too. Virtual school has been a huge relief for one of mine. She's doing much better academically. 

[Hilltopmom]

1 hour ago, wendyroo said:

I don't have a "turned out pretty okay" story, but I did want to share our personal turning out pretty okay story.

My boys are not models of social interaction. With their autism, special needs, mental illness, inflexible thinking...they are pretty much social disasters. I've always had competing desires. On one hand, I really wanted them to have friends, attend play dates, go to classes, frolic with other kids at the park. On the other hand, I really wanted them to have social successes, to feel positively about spending time with others. The bottom line has always been, that my boys are not neurotypical enough to experience success at play dates, typical classes, unstructured at the park, independently with their peers, etc. Realistically, one of my boys cannot even safely be at a class, play date, park, etc, and that greatly limits my other kids logistically.

For the last year, though...well, it certainly is not a happily ever after story. My 9 year old is still violent, destructive and dangerous, and that impacts everything. But, there have been a lot of social positives for us (and we are still completely quarantining; my kids have not been around any peers since last March).

Now that the boys aren't interacting with neurotypical peers, they are experiencing a lot more social success. Their goal does not have to be to fit in or be accepted by peers, but rather just to find ways to have fun with siblings who are also non-neurotypical. They all cry during board games, snatch toys, try to enforce rigid pretend play rules, argue incessantly about turn taking, etc. And while none of them are happy when their siblings do those things, and the house often rings with screams and growls of fury, they still are choosing to play together far more than they were.

Since we have eliminated all our "socialization", we have a lot more free time in our days. The kids now spend a couple hours a day playing: board games, dress up, buying/selling/bartering games, lego, in the snow, spool knitting races 😀, etc.

Again, I don't know if this will turn out okay in the long run. What I do know is that it has been an interesting social shift for my kids. Before, I spent a lot of time trying to "socialize" them, and they spent a lot of time unhappy, drained, being dragged places in the car, tantrumming, and avoiding peer interaction. Now I keep them from killing each other, and they spend hours every day socializing amongst themselves in their own awkward, dysfunctional, non-neurotypical ways.

This is what we have been experiencing too. We have actually kind of had a great time this past year- together. Non- neuro typical kids. Lots of beach days, hiking, board games, crafts, bike riding. Without the usual intrusion of trying to fit in with peers or go to school and deal with those demands all day. (We homeschooled the grown kids. The little ones are only homeschooling during Covid)

When the big kids were little, they saw peers maybe once a week on coop weeks, but we lived way out of town in the woods. They turned out fine.

We have never been a “play town sports, take art classes, go on play dates, or go to the movies, restaurants, or theme parks” type family. So tbh, our lives are usually mostly at home with each other.

Edited February 1, 2021 by Hilltopmom

[Hilltopmom]

5 minutes ago, Innisfree said:

Us too. Virtual school has been a huge relief for one of mine. She's doing much better academically. 

And my teen with mental health issues is doing so much better with virtual school- no anxiety, no pressure to find a lunch table or study hall partner, etc.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

Until I was 14 I was very isolated; just me and my sisters.  We were poor and homeschooled; for a long time there was only one vehicle. We lived, literally, in the middle of the woods with no other children for a couple miles. So no neighborhood playing either.  My dad took the car to work and once a week we had piano lessons and AWANA. That was it.  No co-ops, homeschool groups, playgroups, and we lived so remotely than people often didn’t want to make the trek out to visit, even other homeschoolers. 

We turned out just fine. 🙂. I had a great childhood filled with books and outdoor play and siblings. I don’t like people as an adult, but I would have been an awkward introvert no matter what. 

Edited February 1, 2021 by Mrs Tiggywinkle
More to add

[popmom]

2 hours ago, Innisfree said:

Us too. Virtual school has been a huge relief for one of mine. She's doing much better academically. 

same here. Not NT. The college student is doing so much better at home doing classes online this semester. My autistic dd is doing just fine. We've had very little interaction outside of our immediate family. 

[Lawyer&Mom]

10 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

We turned out just fine. 🙂. I don’t like people, but I would have been an awkward introvert no matter what. 

My kids have been absolutely themselves since the day they were born.  Your story really helped me realize this experience isn’t going to change their core being.  Thank you. 

[popmom]

11 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said:

. 🙂. I don’t like people, but I would have been an awkward introvert no matter what. 

This is my philosophy as well. And I was in public school all those years. I think I would have been much healthier if I had been more isolated.

[Porridge]

 

4 hours ago, wendyroo said:

Again, I don't know if this will turn out okay in the long run. What I do know is that it has been an interesting social shift for my kids. Before, I spent a lot of time trying to "socialize" them, and they spent a lot of time unhappy, drained, being dragged places in the car, tantrumming, and avoiding peer interaction.

Yup.

Mine have done better in the context of the pandemic. For one child, tics / repetitive stereotyped behaviors almost completely extinguished themselves after we stopped “trying to socialize.” For the other, being less “socialized” has actually somehow given the child more confidence, so that when we meet new people now, this child is much more outgoing and less awkward. I’m no longer exhausted running all over town fretting about how I haven’t socialized them enough and trying to fit in more social activities.

Edited February 1, 2021 by JHLWTM

[KungFuPanda]

5 hours ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

Please share your positive stories of social isolation, specifically kids who spent extended periods of time interacting exclusively, or nearly exclusively, with their immediate family members and who turned out pretty okay.  Remote farms, desert islands, far flung missionaries, hostage situations, whatever.  (Aka, help me feel better about our pandemic situation...)

I live in a school district that is, in my opinion, ridiculously intense.  These kids are so stressed out.  I know about three public high schooler who are absolutely thriving with online learning.  They're not 100 percent thrilled to have nowhere to go, but for classes they love virtual learning.  I'll bet there is a whole class of kids who are happy to avoid the bullies too.

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

8 minutes ago, Lawyer&Mom said:

My kids have been absolutely themselves since the day they were born.  Your story really helped me realize this experience isn’t going to change their core being.  Thank you. 

I also have siblings who are neurotypical extroverts.  They are fine, normal, well adjusted adults who survived the ten years of lots of isolation just fine too. 

[wendyroo]

2 minutes ago, popmom said:

This is my philosophy as well. And I was in public school all those years. I think I would have been much healthier if I had been more isolated.

I agree completely. I spent my childhood not fitting in and being bullied in public school. My mom forced me into Girl Scouts in elementary and led my troop for three years, and I hated every minute and never connected with another girl in the troop through all those years. I have never had a friend, and don't miss it. I'm still able to function just fine in adult society; I've held jobs, been married for 16 years, have several good acquaintances.

[wendyroo]

2 hours ago, Hilltopmom said:

And my teen with mental health issues is doing so much better with virtual school- no anxiety, no pressure to find a lunch table or study hall partner, etc.

This is what I keep thinking about.

Since my oldest was diagnosed with autism fairly young, it has been a chorus of family and doctors talking about preparing him for the real world. Sure, he was thriving at home for the time being, but the assumption seemed to be that eventually he would need to be in a class or an office. he would need to adapt himself to a neurotypical school or work place. And I bought into that hook, line, and sinker.

But over the last year, I've started to think about all the feasible paths. College and jobs no longer necessarily mean classrooms, dorms, and offices. In past years, my kids have taken a wonderful, in-person, homeschool Spanish class - but it was stressful, awkward, risky with my 9 year old, and after five full years in classes with a pretty consistent group of kids, my oldest only knew a few of their names and had never played or met up with any of them outside of class. Now he has spent the last 6 months taking "lessons" (playing board games and guitar duets, solving math riddles, arguing if sloths are omnivores, etc.) virtually with a adult, female tutor in Colombia and he is perky (and quirky) and interactive and far more socially engaged that he ever was in class.

Times they are a'changing.

[Kassia]

My dd is an introvert and I suspect she has social anxiety.  Her transition to college was so much easier due to the restrictions.  She's perfectly happy not eating in the dining hall, not going to classes, not having a crowded campus, group gatherings, pressure to join large groups, etc.  She has two suitemates and likes them a lot, but that's plenty of interaction for her.  She's really thriving and we are relieved.

But I just found out today that the daughters of two of my friends are really suffering mentally from the isolation and I feel terrible about that.  

[MercyA]

My DD is an only child. All of her friends live outside our town limits, so in the past she has mostly seen them at church, twice-a-month co-op, and occasional get-togethers. She hasn't seen them much at all this year--we've kept very isolated because most people in our circles are anti-mask.

She is doing very well! Her social and intellectual development have continued to progress just fine at home. She easily converses with adults and kids alike. When she does see her friends, they pick right up where they left off. She is honestly happier staying at home--it is much more relaxing for her. She is healthy and happy.

[Farrar]

One of my teens is thriving in quarantine. He and his friends do occasionally see friends outside, but it's not often. They chat on Discord all the time though.

BalletBoy isn't thriving mostly because he needs to be in a dance studio. But other than that, he's fine. Socially, he's fine.

I am struggling to get a handle on the very disparate reactions to this isolation among teens. I feel cut off a bit, but mostly I have the kids, I have dh, I occasionally see a friend for a walk masked... it's not the worst thing ever. I feel like for a lot of people who are in a similar socioeconomic situation it's similar... and for a lot of people who are in a similar socioeconomic situation it's somehow radically different and their kid is literally falling apart. And I don't fully know how to parse this divide. Like, in families that are dealing with massive economic woes or a disease or an abusive family member or something, obviously that's going to be a pretty different factor. But I feel like I'm hearing stories that are just all over the place in terms of ability to deal with the pandemic isolation from people who I think should be more or less like me. And... I don't fully get it. Why are reactions so very divided? Are some families just that much more fragile? Are some teens just really fragile? I don't know.

[fairfarmhand]

1 hour ago, Farrar said:

One of my teens is thriving in quarantine. He and his friends do occasionally see friends outside, but it's not often. They chat on Discord all the time though.

BalletBoy isn't thriving mostly because he needs to be in a dance studio. But other than that, he's fine. Socially, he's fine.

I am struggling to get a handle on the very disparate reactions to this isolation among teens. I feel cut off a bit, but mostly I have the kids, I have dh, I occasionally see a friend for a walk masked... it's not the worst thing ever. I feel like for a lot of people who are in a similar socioeconomic situation it's similar... and for a lot of people who are in a similar socioeconomic situation it's somehow radically different and their kid is literally falling apart. And I don't fully know how to parse this divide. Like, in families that are dealing with massive economic woes or a disease or an abusive family member or something, obviously that's going to be a pretty different factor. But I feel like I'm hearing stories that are just all over the place in terms of ability to deal with the pandemic isolation from people who I think should be more or less like me. And... I don't fully get it. Why are reactions so very divided? Are some families just that much more fragile? Are some teens just really fragile? I don't know.

I have thoughts, but want to wait till morning to post because we're doing taxes right now. I want to come back to this.

[klmama]

4 hours ago, Farrar said:

I am struggling to get a handle on the very disparate reactions to this isolation among teens. I feel cut off a bit, but mostly I have the kids, I have dh, I occasionally see a friend for a walk masked... it's not the worst thing ever. I feel like for a lot of people who are in a similar socioeconomic situation it's similar... and for a lot of people who are in a similar socioeconomic situation it's somehow radically different and their kid is literally falling apart. And I don't fully know how to parse this divide. Like, in families that are dealing with massive economic woes or a disease or an abusive family member or something, obviously that's going to be a pretty different factor. But I feel like I'm hearing stories that are just all over the place in terms of ability to deal with the pandemic isolation from people who I think should be more or less like me. And... I don't fully get it. Why are reactions so very divided? Are some families just that much more fragile? Are some teens just really fragile? I don't know.

Yes.  Some are more fragile.  People need to feel connected socially, and some people (especially teens) were already struggling mightily with that BEFORE enduring ten long months of pandemic isolation.  Some kids don't have siblings at home to hang out with.  Cancel their opportunities to hang out with their friends and to physically attend classes and to be involved in the activities they love, including work, and some of them will fall into depression, even if they didn't already struggle with it.  With all of the concerns about the virus and politics, it's understandable if their anxiety levels are up, even if they didn't already struggle with that.  Then add all the usual teen concerns/stressors PLUS being forced to attend online classes PLUS not knowing if the virus will end soon enough for them to attend live classes when they go to college PLUS it's February, and some of them are really struggling.  Many of those who were struggling before are a wreck.  I know three youngest/only teens with major depression who all got jobs so they could interact with others outside the home, even though it means the possibility of contracting and bringing home the virus to high-risk family members.  Mental health is important, too.

[Elizabeth86]

No success stories to speak of.  I'm thriving at home. I never realized how introverted I truly was and how much anxiety I have when I am around others. I love life at home. I like we can all be ourselves an don't have to worry about what others think. I realized we did so much because I thought that is just what good moms do. I hate the stress of rushing around to get things done and driving the kids all over. I have discovered many parents have no idea what to even do with their own children and I think that is why activities are so popular. I think after things get back to normal we will spend more time going on family outings rather than trying to be involved in groups and such.  The only thing I ever did growing up was school and church. I never wanted after school activities. I wanted to be home. I would have thrived if my mom had homeschooled me. School was so lonely and stressful.

[Kassia]

45 minutes ago, Elizabeth86 said:

  I'm thriving at home. I never realized how introverted I truly was and how much anxiety I have when I am around others. I love life at home. 

I'm finding the same thing and am kind of dreading things getting back to normal.  

[Elizabeth86]

9 minutes ago, Kassia said:

I'm finding the same thing and am kind of dreading things getting back to normal.  

Same here! I am definitely going to feel more confident choosing to be not so involved in activities outside the home. Yeah, I can't wait to see my family again, but that's about all I miss.

[Ditto]

We are enjoying the "isolation".   My teen is perfectly fine with not being out in the world.  We have each other and we enjoy being together so it hasn't been an issue.  2 things that teen takes part in are still taking place on Zoom and that has been fine.   Getting back to "normal"  will definitely look different for us to a degree,  this has been wonderful.

However,  I do wonder how many will come out of this pandemic with some degree of agoraphobia.   After being a home for so long and avoiding public places it does mess with your head.

[Farrar]

3 hours ago, Ditto said:

However,  I do wonder how many will come out of this pandemic with some degree of agoraphobia.   After being a home for so long and avoiding public places it does mess with your head.

This was apparently a real problem in some places where kids literally didn't go outside.

For us, we have been out hiking and walking a lot. And we live in a city center so it's not like we haven't been around normal city crowds. People mask on the street here (I know that's not common in smaller areas). So while we've been avoiding "crowds" for the most part, we still pass more people just walking two blocks than most people pass in their neighborhoods. Heck, our parks have been so packed - we went for a walk on Saturday, when it was barely above freezing, in late January, and we could barely find parking. It's just constantly full. Which is great! But I don't think we'll have this particular issue.

Since most Americans never stopped letting their kids play outside in some form, my guess is that there may be a fear of crowds or strange indoor places more than agoraphobia. 

[historically accurate]

I am doing much, much better this winter than I have in probably 10 years SAD wise. I chalk it up to exercise (which I now force myself to do something daily even if I don't want to) and less craziness. I never, never had a day where I didn't have to go anywhere up until March 2020. This week, I have nothing, and it is glorious. I occasionally miss people, but I chat online with friends, and that's honestly enough for me.

My oldest graduated and started college during 2020. She is an socially awkward introvert. She likes not having to socialize at school. It's been wonderful for our relationship as well because she has the social energy to talk to me whereas her last year of high school, she was plumb worn out (she attended community college) from social interactions and all I ever got was one word responses to questions. Now, she calls every few days and chats for 15ish minutes. Lovely!

My middle is doing 1000% better this far into the pandemic. I am unsure what has led to the change as many different things have happened. Physical medical issues are better due to new meds, mental health is light-years better than it was but there could be a myriad of reasons that is (whatever the cause(s) is/are, I'm basking in it), and social anxiety is nil. She is on her way back to the sunny child I feared we'd lost forever. 

My youngest is a disciplined, routine-loving child. She is doing very well with setting and following an exercise routine, a baking schedule, a craft schedule, and a school schedule. She loves, loves, loves not having to stop something to go to the doctor, to an activity, or to run an errand. 

DH is the lone one not doing as well during this time in my family. I think it's because he is working such a weird schedule (his company manufactures and packages pharmaceuticals). 

Edited February 2, 2021 by historically accurate

[ktgrok]

On 2/1/2021 at 6:24 PM, JHLWTM said:

 

Yup.

Mine have done better in the context of the pandemic. For one child, tics / repetitive stereotyped behaviors almost completely extinguished themselves after we stopped “trying to socialize.” For the other, being less “socialized” has actually somehow given the child more confidence, so that when we meet new people now, this child is much more outgoing and less awkward. I’m no longer exhausted running all over town fretting about how I haven’t socialized them enough and trying to fit in more social activities.

This is a real thing - based on brain chemistry. When you are constantly going "over threshold" and triggering those stress hormones day after day you become sensitized and it builds up. Now granted, my knowledge is based on dog behavior and biology but I know humans are similar. When dealing with a dog with a fear or anxiety, there is a HUGE risk of over exposure, and sensitizing rather than desensitizing. I saw it in my own dog - I was taking her to work with me all the time, exposing her to strangers all the time, etc and it wasn't until I changed jobs and she had to stay home that she finally got better as far as anxiety. I had thought I was socializing her but really I was sensitizing her. She needed a break to let those stress hormones calm down, and have fewer, shorter interactions with strangers. 

[TravelingChris]

Most Much of my health got worse- broke the least bad part of my pelvis in early July, then had a superficial clit all the way done one leg and probably also in part 8f other they just didn't find, my bilateral Achilles tendonitis, and lots 9f other enthesis problems in both feet and then finally my lymphatic system stopped working right and both feet and lower legs swelled way up.  

But here is the big but.  It has been easier to deal w all my medical issues w a lot less stuff going on.  As another person said, my SAD was so much better this year even without using the light I own (but was downstairs and I kept forgetting g to bring it up,)  I have not gotten any infection since late Feb which 8s a record for me as s mut8 diseaseautoimmune patient who also needs to take lots of immunosuppressants.  

I now have an online therapist -much better than ones I have had in real life.  I have a lupus support group that has Zoom meetings.  I have been in RA support meetings.  I have been in activities for chronically illpeople online. My dh's work offers free exercises and I do a dance class when I can. I see lots of my doctors online at least part of the time. So much Lewis's stress.  And it is nice, usually, having sg around almost all the time.

I used to be isolated for long periods due to my chronic illnesses and no one was around and dh had meetings in evenings or first responder training or whatever in the evening do many times a week. That was awful. It isn't now.