Would you leave a 14yo, competent, reasonably well-behaved kid at home alone for a few days/nights?

[Kassia]

We left our dd alone for one night when she was almost 15.  We were moving her older brother into his first apartment three hours away and she really didn't want to join us.  We don't have family around but there is a trusted neighbor who would be happy to help if needed.  I was hesitant to do it - mostly I was worried about something going wrong in the house but she assured she would be fine.  

Of course, something creepy happened in the one night we were gone.  We live in a semi-rural area and no one ever comes to our door.  In the one night we were gone, someone came to the door and started knocking and ringing the doorbell.  The garage was open for the cat and dd went and closed that right away and didn't answer the door and texted me.  She was boiling water to make pasta for dinner and figured she could use the boiling water as a weapon if needed.  The person (or people) left and then came back later in the rain knocking on the door!  

Later, we found out that there were several robberies in the area where the thieves would knock on people's doors to see if anyone was home and then rob the place if no one answered.  It still upsets me now thinking of what could have happened.  We have a son who lives six hours away and dd doesn't want to go visit him and I'm not comfortable being that far away for a weekend even though she just turned 17.  I'm sure she'd be fine, though.  

 

[BlsdMama]

8 hours ago, Quill said:

Be gentle, please. I’m not sure why I am so hesitant. 

Ds happens to have off from school for two days that coincide with dh and my wedding anniversary - 25yrs. I would love to do a short fall foliage trip up north, leaving ds at home. But something about leaving him completely alone at home bothers me. I dont know whether that’s just my typical nut-jobiness or if it’s legitimately a bad idea. 

Were I willing to ask, he could probably stay at my sister or SIL’s instead, but it feels like a pretty big ask. 

 

I answered maybe. It would depend on proximity to reliable adults for me. The not being able to drive is a hard compromising factor. We left the 17yo in charge of the 15yo, 13yo, and 11yo for five days but she has a license. Hmm.  

I think i would lean towards not because of the inability to drive? OTOH, I’d love the opportunity to have my nieces or nephews for a couple days! Your family might love the opportunity to spend time with him one on one? We split up the others among three houses and they had a fine time spending days with them. 

[73349]

The "but what if he fell or something" or "but he'd be lonely/excluded" responses are surprising to me. Regarding the first--he will have a phone, no? The same as if he were an adult. If he can call someone who can help, he's no more at a disadvantage than an adult whose car is in the shop for a couple of days.

The second--when he's married, he can celebrate anniversaries, too; and not everybody would consider a weekend to oneself a negative. Certainly I would've been delighted as a teen and would be today as well. No imposed schedule? The remote to myself? A stack of interesting books? A phone? The fridge? No siblings? No interruptions if I put the phone on vibrate? This is an introvert's dream! But IDK if this particular kid would enjoy it. If he's an extrovert, not spending time with friends or family might be too much quiet and tempt him to do things he shouldn't.

[Kassia]

My parents left me alone for a week to go on a cruise when I was 15.  I couldn't drive and it was in the summer so I rode my bike to work as a camp counselor.  Our hot water heater blew the first night they left so I had no hot water the whole week!  Other than that, I was fine but I wouldn't be comfortable doing that as a parent.  And this was way before cell phones, email, etc.  

 

 

[Catwoman]

4 minutes ago, Quill said:

I wouldn’t expect this from you, Cat. 

It’s funny, because dh and I virtually never go away without the kids. We never did it while they were growing up except one time when we went on a cruise and the kids could stay at grandma’s. My youngest was seven. More often, I have been either lightly chided or actually ridiculed for always having the kids with us, never doing the just-us getaway thing. 🙄 I guess there’s no winning in the court of public opinion. 

This is exactly why I don’t trust that a friend or family member who agrees to have the kiddo stay with them isn’t silently stewing about what selfish parents we are and why they have to be inconvenienced so we can go look at pretty trees for a few days. 

Now I feel like never fucking mind...

 

Well, if someone agrees to have your son stay with them and they try to make sure he has a nice visit, I don’t think you should worry about whether or not they secretly think you’re selfish for going on a vacation with your dh.  🙂

I think there is a huge difference between your son having a fun 4-day weekend with relatives or family friends while you’re away, and leaving him all alone at home for his 4 day weekend while you’re off having a fun vacation with your dh.

[Denise in IN]

My kids are 14, 15, 18, 20.  I would not leave my two younger kids home for that length of time, either alone or together.  Too much alone time, and I'm not comfortable with them staying alone overnight.  A very responsible 16 yo with a license, probably, but for me, not younger than that.

[catz]

1 minute ago, Farrar said:

My kids take these all the time. In two years, they've only been refused service twice. In both cases, they just called another. If someone doesn't want to do it because it's against policy (it is) then I totally get that. But realistically, teens in urban areas do take these pretty regularly.

well it is their written policy and i wouldn't want a kid problem solving someone saying no in a rural area while I was out of town for days.  I let my kids ride public urban transit no problem(bus, campus bus, light rail) but haven't used this.  I guess if it were a norm for your area that may be different.  I do know people that pay a private driving service with background checks to transport kids.  

I have to admit, it's a little dicey putting a minor in a car alone with someone who hasn't been background checked and I get why drivers wouldn't want agree to it for their own protection.  

[Farrar]

Just now, Catwoman said:

 

Well, if someone agrees to have your son stay with them and they try to make sure he has a nice visit, I don’t think you should worry about whether or not they secretly think you’re selfish for going on a vacation with your dh.  🙂

I think there is a huge difference between your son having a fun 4-day weekend with relatives or family friends while you’re away, and leaving him all alone at home for his 4 day weekend while you’re off having a fun vacation with your dh.

For my introvert, being alone at home, in his own space for that time would make it a "fun" time, or at least a fine one. Being stuck with relatives would not be "fun" even if they tried to make it fun. It would be tiring and slightly stress inducing.

I said I've left my kids alone, but I don't necessarily advocate that Quill or anyone else should. But as long as a kid is happy with the arrangements - be they with relatives or at home or whatever - I fail to see why one should feel bad. If a family has the parents always going interesting places and leaving the kids behind, that's one thing, but I think we all know that isn't Quill. Not everyone has to be amused all the time. It's okay if some people have a trip and some have a quiet weekend at home.

[Guest]

Well, earlier, when I was not on here for a few hours I texted SIL and mentioned this. First she said that would be perfect, at least for the one night the boys have baseball together. Then she amended that by saying, now that she looks at the calendar, her son would be missing that baseball game because of an event he is going to, but that BIL could still take my boy to bb anyway. That doesn’t comfort me, though, because that feels like I am adding more hassle and imposition. The point is not to add one more logistical obstacle to their lives; my intention was for it to be simple since they would go to bb anyway. 

I don’t know. I think I’m going to just forget about it. It’s causing me an unnecessary degree of anxiety. 

[MEmama]

6 minutes ago, whitehawk said:

The "but what if he fell or something" or "but he'd be lonely/excluded" responses are surprising to me. Regarding the first--he will have a phone, no? The same as if he were an adult. If he can call someone who can help, he's no more at a disadvantage than an adult whose car is in the shop for a couple of days.

The second--when he's married, he can celebrate anniversaries, too; and not everybody would consider a weekend to oneself a negative. Certainly I would've been delighted as a teen and would be today as well. No imposed schedule? The remote to myself? A stack of interesting books? A phone? The fridge? No siblings? No interruptions if I put the phone on vibrate? This is an introvert's dream! But IDK if this particular kid would enjoy it. If he's an extrovert, not spending time with friends or family might be too much quiet and tempt him to do things he shouldn't.

I’m an introvert and I wouldn’t want to be completely alone and totally housebound for 4 days. I don’t expect my introverted 16 yo would either. Video games only go so far, even for him. And we love traveling and hanging out with DS; I’m torn whether I even want to go on an anniversary trip without him. I only have a couple years left of him at home, and probably the opportunity to get to share that kind of experience with him. 

Of course I have no idea if Quills kid would love it or hate it or somewhere in between, but she asked what we as other parents might do. Is it appropriate for her 14 yo? Only she and her DH know the answer to that. I don’t think answering honestly is passing any judgement to her decision at all. 

[Farrar]

1 minute ago, FuzzyCatz said:

well it is their written policy and i wouldn't want a kid problem solving someone saying no in a rural area while I was out of town for days.  I let my kids ride public urban transit no problem(bus, campus bus, light rail) but haven't used this.  I guess if it were a norm for your area that may be different.  I do know people that pay a private driving service with background checks to transport kids.  

I have to admit, it's a little dicey putting a minor in a car alone with someone who hasn't been background checked and I get why drivers wouldn't want agree to it for their own protection.  

Yeah, I get that. I prefer that my kids take the bus or the subway, but it's not always a good option. And I don't prefer that they do that at like 9 pm, honestly. The buses that ds needs to get home from dance at that time of night take hours. The Lyft takes 15 minutes tops. He could walk it, but that would also take the better part of an hour. Most of the teens we know do it. There are risks - no one should accept them if they're bothered. I'm just pointing out that it's not an uncommon practice in reality.

[alisoncooks]

11 minutes ago, Kassia said:

My parents left me alone for a week to go on a cruise when I was 15.  I couldn't drive and it was in the summer so I rode my bike to work as a camp counselor.  Our hot water heater blew the first night they left so I had no hot water the whole week!  Other than that, I was fine but I wouldn't be comfortable doing that as a parent.  And this was way before cell phones, email, etc.  

 

 

Ha, this sounds like my experience. My parents left me and my brother alone while they went to a 2 or 3 day convention. We were around 14 and 16. The washing machine overflowed and our parakeet died in the night. (We were alone overnight but lived very near lots of expended family.)

I think it's perfectly reasonable to want time alone with your spouse for an anniversary weekend. A 14 year old should totally understand that.

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Farrar said:

For my introvert, being alone at home, in his own space for that time would make it a "fun" time, or at least a fine one. Being stuck with relatives would not be "fun" even if they tried to make it fun. It would be tiring and slightly stress inducing.

I said I've left my kids alone, but I don't necessarily advocate that Quill or anyone else should. But as long as a kid is happy with the arrangements - be they with relatives or at home or whatever - I fail to see why one should feel bad. If a family has the parents always going interesting places and leaving the kids behind, that's one thing, but I think we all know that isn't Quill. Not everyone has to be amused all the time. It's okay if some people have a trip and some have a quiet weekend at home.

 

If Quill’s son was an older teen who would enjoy being alone for 4 days and Quill also lived in a walkable neighborhood so he wouldn’t be stuck in the house with no way to get to a store or to friends’ houses, I would feel differently about the situation, but that’s not the case here.

4 days alone is a long time for a 14yo who had never stayed at home alone overnight. It might sound like a lot of fun at first, but it may get old very quickly and he might be very lonely or scared. And it’s his vacation from school, too, so although I know you disagree, it does seem selfish to me to consider leaving him all alone while the parents go on a fun vacation without him. 

If he will be happy staying with relatives or family friends, I would agree that there would be no reason for Quill or her dh to feel guilty about leaving him at home, particularly because she doesn’t think the trip will be much fun for him. But if he wouldn’t be happy with those arrangements, I would either choose a destination that would be fun for the family, or I would skip the trip and stay home.

[Catwoman]

6 minutes ago, Quill said:

Well, earlier, when I was not on here for a few hours I texted SIL and mentioned this. First she said that would be perfect, at least for the one night the boys have baseball together. Then she amended that by saying, now that she looks at the calendar, her son would be missing that baseball game because of an event he is going to, but that BIL could still take my boy to bb anyway. That doesn’t comfort me, though, because that feels like I am adding more hassle and imposition. The point is not to add one more logistical obstacle to their lives; my intention was for it to be simple since they would go to bb anyway. 

I don’t know. I think I’m going to just forget about it. It’s causing me an unnecessary degree of anxiety. 

 

Isn't there anywhere at all that you could go as a family?

I don’t think you should completely give up on the trip.

[catz]

That's what I was going to ask.  If you knew a young adult that might be working or at college during the day, but might be willing to help with dinner, drive him to baseball and stay the night for a little money.  For a kid that wanted to be in his own space, that might be a nice compromise.  I know my kids would definitely at least eat one good meal a day and sleep some reasonable hours while I was gone anyway.  

It's unfortunate the SIL's schedule doesn't line up well.  That said, if you help each other out back and forth I still might consider taking her up on the offer. 

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

 

Isn't there anywhere at all that you could go as a family?

I don’t think you should completely give up on the trip.

We already take family trips. That wouldn’t be the point. The point would be to spend some time directly with dh, doing something we would both enjoy. If we have to alter plans to suit ds and spend more money so ds can be there, I don’t want to go. Going on a trip is not the point. Doing something dh and I enjoy together would be the point. 

Virtually every family trip I have ever taken has been not necessarily what I want to do. 

[Pen]

What would a 14 yo home alone for several days be doing with that time when awake? TV? Internet? 

At the very least I think it would be a good idea for there to be a second responsible teen companion.  

[unsinkable]

I don't know...maybe it's because my parents were so hands-off

or because I grew up in the 70's or

bc I still dance around like a dork when I'm home alone and love it...

But 15 yo/9th grade does seem old enough to stay alone overnight. 4 nights might be long for the first time. But I'd definitely consider 2 nights. I'd leave as soon as he got on the bus on Friday then come back Sunday evening. 

That being said...I never did it with my kids bc we never had the opportunity/occasion to do it.

[Guest]

4 hours ago, DesertBlossom said:

This is normal in my family to ask each other to watch kids. A year and a half ago we divided up my kids among my siblings so we could go on a church related activity. We sent the kids to the houses with their same age cousins. I have also watched nieces and nephews when a sibling needed care, whether for a romantic getaway, or a new baby in the house, etc. 

As for your original question.... I wouldn't criticize anyone who chose to leave their responsible 14 year old home alone. Personally, I would feel more comfortable sending them to a relative's house. I also think they would inclined to some anxiety staying home alone at that age.

I know some families have this, and sometimes friends have this, too. (We do kind of have this with one family who has a kid near my kid’s age, but they are less available due to two working parents. So, it has much more often been us keeping their kid for a couple days than the other way.) 

Despite having siblings and in-laws that should make this true, it isn’t really like that for us. The one SIL I’ve been mentioning in this thread has extremely devoted parents, so she relies heavily on the grandparents whenever she needs this type of help. And my sister...as I said earlier in the thread, I just don’t trust that something is really okay just because she said it was. I have had the experience of learning about some grievance a hundred years later and so I don’t trust I’m necessarily getting a true happy-to-help reply. 

[Terabith]

For what it's worth, I asked my almost 16 year old (super capable and responsible) how she would feel about this, and she said that while she could certainly understand and would cope with it, she would find it lonely, stressful, and scary, but that she would probably feel pressured not to show how she felt about it in order to not put a damper on things for the rest of the family.  

I think, as unfortunate as it is, I would either just not go away or do something where I could take my kid with me.  I know that's not ideal.  But I just wouldn't feel okay about it.  

Edited September 9, 2019 by Terabith

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Terabith said:

For what it's worth, I asked my almost 16 year old (super capable and responsible) how she would feel about this, and she said that while she could certainly understand and would cope with it, she would find it lonely, stressful, and scary, but that she would probably feel pressured not to show how she felt about it in order to not put a damper on things for the rest of the family.  

That would probably have been my response at that age.

[mlktwins]

25 minutes ago, Quill said:

We already take family trips. That wouldn’t be the point. The point would be to spend some time directly with dh, doing something we would both enjoy. If we have to alter plans to suit ds and spend more money so ds can be there, I don’t want to go. Going on a trip is not the point. Doing something dh and I enjoy together would be the point. 

Virtually every family trip I have ever taken has been not necessarily what I want to do. 

Quill, honestly, if I had someone I could leave mine with for 3-4 days, I would in a heartbeat!!!  My mom is the only family member I would have left them with, but she passed away before they were born.  All other grandparents are too old and we are taking care of them.  And...we have 2 siblings near us, but no way would I let them stay with them.  Having them come with would be our only option.

I have one son that would love to be by himself for 3-4 days (like I would) and one that would be very lonely alone that length of time.

Don't give up on this trip!  Not sure how far away you were going, but maybe take a closer trip?  You are not far from me (I'm No. VA) and there is so much to do around here.

Edited September 9, 2019 by mlktwins

[bodiesmom]

I seriously can't believe you were shamed for wanting to take an anniversary trip with your DH. 😲

I hope you can make this work, Quill. 🙂 

[moonflower]

2 hours ago, Tanaqui said:

You all know I'm definitely on the more lax end of the "when do you leave your kids alone/let them go out alone" scale.

But I'm still a little leery of two days and nights alone. One, maybe. Or if it was an emergency situation like a hospital visit or that funeral mentioned upthread. But two days when you've got relatives really close by and he has friends too? Unless your sister hates your son, I'd definitely ask her.

It's not even that I think he'd necessarily be in any danger, it's just that the words running through my head are "If child services were to hear about that, they'd have an absolute field day."

Plus, rightly or wrongly, our society tends to judge parents a lot more when they leave their kids for fun reasons rather than serious reasons, even if the end result is the same. Dad leaves the two year old in the carseat for three minutes while he buys medicine? A mistake in judgment, but nothing more. Mom leaves the same two year old in the same carseat in the same temperature conditions for the same three minutes to buy a lotto ticket? Oh, heck no.

 

okay, sidebar: is this really a problem in either circumstance?  (I mean, the 3 minutes thing).  I'd be much less inclined to do the former than the latter, because I see parking in front of the big windows of a gas station and running in to buy a water and a bag of chips as really just fine to leave anyone buckled into the car.  Is that terribly illegal?  I guess I wouldn't do it in a big city, or whatever, but in our small town of 2k people I feel okay with this.  

I wouldn't leave the same under-10 year old in the car to run into Walmart for any length of time, even for medicine, though, because you can't see them from the window.

[moonflower]

35 minutes ago, Pen said:

What would a 14 yo home alone for several days be doing with that time when awake? TV? Internet? 

At the very least I think it would be a good idea for there to be a second responsible teen companion.  

 

Well, yes, mine would be using the internet doing absolutely mindless things and probably eating nothing but toast and straight sugar.

But that is not a reason not to leave the kid, imo, even if there are better reasons.  

[Terabith]

Just now, moonflower said:

 

okay, sidebar: is this really a problem in either circumstance?  (I mean, the 3 minutes thing).  I'd be much less inclined to do the former than the latter, because I see parking in front of the big windows of a gas station and running in to buy a water and a bag of chips as really just fine to leave anyone buckled into the car.  Is that terribly illegal?  I guess I wouldn't do it in a big city, or whatever, but in our small town of 2k people I feel okay with this.  

I wouldn't leave the same under-10 year old in the car to run into Walmart for any length of time, even for medicine, though, because you can't see them from the window.

The question isn't "is it okay?"  Honestly, I think it's fine.  I think it's fine to leave a 6 or 7 or 8 year old in the car while you go into Walmart for a half hour, too.  I think kids don't get nearly enough credit.  The question is:  "How will society/ CPS view this?"  It sucks to have to parent as if every action is going to be played on CNN, but I know of circumstances in which parents had their children taken away from them for neglect because they let their 9 year old twins walk to school alone.  It's absolutely ludicrous and the kids were COMPLETELY FINE.   I'm pretty free range, and I'd be a little uncomfortable with this scenario, but the real question is what would SOCIETY think about it.  Which sucks.  But it's reality.  

[Shoeless]

I think you should leave DS14 with your SIL and let them sort out the logistics of baseball games/practice.  Take your trip.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to spend an anniversary weekend with your husband without your 14 year old. 

Yes, it's a long weekend, but it's also the chance for DS14 to make some memories with his aunt, uncle, and cousins. If you feel like it's a big imposition on SIL, you can offer to pay her something for the weekend of care, bring her back a gift, or even better: host *their* kids for a long weekend at your house.  Your SIL and BIL would probably enjoy some quiet, kid-free time, too, and it's a chance for the cousins to bond and make memories.

[moonflower]

3 hours ago, Catwoman said:

Personally, I would feel too sorry for the poor kid to leave him all alone while I went on a nice little trip with my dh. I would feel like I was being incredibly selfish and would want to choose a destination that we could all enjoy as a family.

He has a few days off from school so he could be doing fun things on that 4-day weekend, but instead, he would be trapped all alone in the house with no one to talk to, no one to eat meals with, and no one to help him with the cooking. Sure, it might seem fun for the first several hours, but then eating dinner all alone... spending the entire night alone in a big, empty house... getting up in the morning and being all alone all day again and eating every meal all alone... and then another night alone... and... well... that sounds very lonely and kind of awful for a 14yo kid.

And that’s not even mentioning the safety considerations.

There is no way I would do that to my child. I wouldn’t even leave my 19yo ds alone in a non-walkable neighborhood for that long without a car, because that’s a long time to be stuck all alone in the house with no way to go anywhere. It would be so lonely! 

 

 

 

I dunno, this is not something I'd worry about.  If he is maybe super anxious, of course I wouldn't want to leave him, or if he's the type to get super lonely being alone for a day, maybe.  Otherwise, I think it's okay to do things sometimes that don't involve kids.  DH and I usually take a few kids with us when we go grocery shopping, but sometimes, on rare occasion, we take only the baby or even go alone!  It's a 4 hour or so trip altogether, and it's fun to go, but I just don't always feel obligated to take the kids along, because I'm with them 100% of the rest of the day, tending to their every whim 🙂

 

Part of this might be personality, though - I would have been happy to be left alone as a teenager (although I had anxiety at night).  Loneliness would not have been a factor.

[moonflower]

6 minutes ago, Terabith said:

The question isn't "is it okay?"  Honestly, I think it's fine.  I think it's fine to leave a 6 or 7 or 8 year old in the car while you go into Walmart for a half hour, too.  I think kids don't get nearly enough credit.  The question is:  "How will society/ CPS view this?"  It sucks to have to parent as if every action is going to be played on CNN, but I know of circumstances in which parents had their children taken away from them for neglect because they let their 9 year old twins walk to school alone.  It's absolutely ludicrous and the kids were COMPLETELY FINE.   I'm pretty free range, and I'd be a little uncomfortable with this scenario, but the real question is what would SOCIETY think about it.  Which sucks.  But it's reality.  

 

Yeah, that's what I meant, is is it that out of the norm that CPS would be concerned.  Maybe it's a regional thing partially.

We did have someone call the police once on our 9 year old (at the time) who was walking home 3 blocks from the park.  9!  The police were pretty apologetic about it at least.

I have also come back to the car after being in the grocery store to see the cops standing there, having left my 11 year old and a sibling; they were apologetic then too so I guess that is fine at least in this area.

sigh, people.

[Terabith]

I think pretty much anywhere in the US, CPS would at least tell you not to do it again if they got wind of a 14 year old being left for four days.  

[Catwoman]

Just now, moonflower said:

 

I dunno, this is not something I'd worry about.  If he is maybe super anxious, of course I wouldn't want to leave him, or if he's the type to get super lonely being alone for a day, maybe.  Otherwise, I think it's okay to do things sometimes that don't involve kids.  DH and I usually take a few kids with us when we go grocery shopping, but sometimes, on rare occasion, we take only the baby or even go alone!  It's a 4 hour or so trip altogether, and it's fun to go, but I just don't always feel obligated to take the kids along, because I'm with them 100% of the rest of the day, tending to their every whim 🙂

 

Part of this might be personality, though - I would have been happy to be left alone as a teenager (although I had anxiety at night).  Loneliness would not have been a factor.

 

I agree that we can do things that don’t involve our kids, but leaving a kid (or two or three... ;) ) alone for 4 hours or a day is a lot different from leaving one kid alone for 4 days. I agree with you that personality is a big factor no matter what the age — even if safety or fear weren’t a factor, many people (including myself!) wouldn’t want to be stuck in the house for 4 days without seeing anyone else and with no way of going anywhere.

[SKL]

I would try to time to leave on a Thursday morning, a school day, and let him stay alone Thursday night & get himself off to school Friday morning.  There would be plenty of things to do Thursday night that he wouldn't get lonely ... bus drops him off, he checks in with mom, gets a snack and does some chores.  (Leave him something like laundry to do.)  Does his homework, test review, project work.  Gets his dinner, eats, and cleans the kitchen.  Takes a shower, readies his clothes and school bag for Friday, sets his alarm, and has a little time to mess around on screens / read a book before bed.  (There's no time for friends to mess with him - they are all doing their homework etc. also.)  Then I would have him picked up by SIL either Friday p.m. or Saturday morning (whatever you and he are most comfortable with).  Aunt can drop him off at home on Sunday whenever it works for her.

Many kids would find it exciting to have that one night alone to hold down the fort.  But I do agree that many if not most kids would find 3 nights to be lonely.

I do hope you go on that trip.  And I am kinda hoping your son gets the fun of having the house alone for as long as it feels right for you all.

As for your SIL - hey, that's great that you have a relative so close - with kids his age even.  When I have to travel without my kids, I have to hire a carer, even though they are old for a babysitter.  They've asked me if they can stay alone next year, and I am considering allowing it for one night.  (They will be 13.5.)  I did leave them overnight once recently, but it was only during sleeping time, and I could come home if they called me for an emergency.  It felt perfectly safe.

[moonflower]

4 days is a long time, I grant.  eta: somehow I read this whole thread and still thought it was just a weekend.

Edited September 9, 2019 by moonflower

[SKL]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Well, earlier, when I was not on here for a few hours I texted SIL and mentioned this. First she said that would be perfect, at least for the one night the boys have baseball together. Then she amended that by saying, now that she looks at the calendar, her son would be missing that baseball game because of an event he is going to, but that BIL could still take my boy to bb anyway. That doesn’t comfort me, though, because that feels like I am adding more hassle and imposition. The point is not to add one more logistical obstacle to their lives; my intention was for it to be simple since they would go to bb anyway. 

I don’t know. I think I’m going to just forget about it. It’s causing me an unnecessary degree of anxiety. 

Why not hire someone to come and stay with your son then?  You deserve a vacation to celebrate your anniversary.  I don't agree that it's selfish at all.

[EmseB]

49 minutes ago, Quill said:

We already take family trips. That wouldn’t be the point. The point would be to spend some time directly with dh, doing something we would both enjoy. If we have to alter plans to suit ds and spend more money so ds can be there, I don’t want to go. Going on a trip is not the point. Doing something dh and I enjoy together would be the point. 

Virtually every family trip I have ever taken has been not necessarily what I want to do. 

Yeah, having my young teen on a romantic anniversary trip would be...less than romantic. Also, putting aside childcare arrangements that need to be made, I feel zero guilt about leaving my kids to have alone time with my spouse, even if my kids are jealous (and I have one who gets a serious case of FOMO about anything anyone else gets to do without him). Some trips are for us as a couple. Some trips are family trips. Some trips are just for one or two siblings because they are old enough and the others aren't. Not every trip is for everyone, and not everyone gets to do something just as fun to make things "fair". I would lose my mind if I tried to cater to everyone's needs that way, and my marriage would suffer if I never went away with DH on our own, even though it's fairly rare that we do so at this stage of our lives. 

[Terabith]

3 minutes ago, SKL said:

 (There's no time for friends to mess with him - they are all doing their homework etc. also.)  Then I would have him picked up by SIL either Friday p.m. or Saturday morning (whatever you and he are most comfortable with). 

So, um, just throwing it out there.  My kid goes to public high school, and none of her friends are the type to do it, but the kinds of kids who are likely to hear about an unoccupied by adults house and crash it to throw a wild, out of control party are not really the type of kids who are going to be dissuaded because they are supposed to be doing their homework.  

A pretty wide swath of high school students just don't DO homework at all.  Not the high achievers, but my kid's school has 2000 kids.  Probably a tenth do homework?  

[Catwoman]

44 minutes ago, Quill said:

I know some families have this, and sometimes friends have this, too. (We do kind of have this with one family who has a kid near my kid’s age, but they are less available due to two working parents. So, it has much more often been us keeping their kid for a couple days than the other way.) 

Despite having siblings and in-laws that should make this true, it isn’t really like that for us. The one SIL I’ve been mentioning in this thread has extremely devoted parents, so she relies heavily on the grandparents whenever she needs this type of help. And my sister...as I said earlier in the thread, I just don’t trust that something is really okay just because she said it was. I have had the experience of learning about some grievance a hundred years later and so I don’t trust I’m necessarily getting a true happy-to-help reply. 

 

But that’s your sister’s issue, not yours! If she said yes to having your son stay with her for the weekend, and your son would have a good time at her house, and really want to take the trip... thank her profusely and make arrangements for when you’ll drop your son off at her house and when you’ll be picking him back up. :)

If she says anything about it months or years from now, remind her that she was the one who said yes and that if she didn’t want to do it, she should have just said so. Don’t let her make you feel guilty for something she agreed to do!

[Guest]

35 minutes ago, mlktwins said:

Quill, honestly, if I had someone I could leave mine with for 3-4 days, I would in a heartbeat!!!  My mom is the only family member I would have left them with, but she passed away before they were born.  All other grandparents are too old and we are taking care of them.  And...we have 2 siblings near us, but no way would I let them stay with them.  Having them come with would be our only option.

I have one son that would love to be by himself for 3-4 days (like I would) and one that would be very lonely alone that length of time.

Don't give up on this trip!  Not sure how far away you were going, but maybe take a closer trip?  You are not far from me (I'm No. VA) and there is so much to do around here.

Yeah, there is certainly plenty enough to do where I live; I could do all sorts of wonderful things within a thirty-minute drive, I’m so centrally located and spoiled for choice. 

I intended to go to Lake George. Mostly because I have never been there and I wanted to go somewhere I have never been. And that should be just about peak foliage farther north of here. So that was the big attraction. 

But yeah. I mean, I live in the woods and there are craft breweries and vineyards galore, so it’s not as though I can’t have those experiences right here. 

[Arcadia]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

 Going on a trip is not the point. Doing something dh and I enjoy together would be the point. 

Virtually every family trip I have ever taken has been not necessarily what I want to do. 

 

My husband would agree with you on couple time even though he doesn’t want to plan family trips and is happy to go where I want to go.

Besides this trip being an anniversary trip, it would also kind of be a post recovery trip. If you could return the favor to that SIL another time, I would lean towards letting your son stay with her family while you go on your trip. 

[Pen]

33 minutes ago, moonflower said:

 

Well, yes, mine would be using the internet doing absolutely mindless things and probably eating nothing but toast and straight sugar.

But that is not a reason not to leave the kid, imo, even if there are better reasons.  

 

I got lost in the double negatives.

  I think knowing what the kid would be doing would be very important in such a case.  I think the ability of Quill to be relaxed and enjoy a special anniversary could depend on what the child would be doing in her absence.  Also perhaps on ability of family members to transport the child to events and respond to any problems.

A lot of people responding that it’s not a problem have either several children so it would not be just one child alone, or they live in a place where the child would have easy access to other people—an urban or town environment with stores and activities in walking or public transit distance.

 

The situation for the child in this thread seems like it would be much more isolated.  No cafe, market, fun classes, friends seem to be an easy and safe walk /public transportation/ bike ride to get to. 

That’s a whole different situation than many people live in.

 

(And also, your example of leaving your kids for a few hours while you go shopping is totally different than a single child alone for 4 days and intervening nights.  Some adults might even feel a little off all alone with no vehicle or other useful transportation for 4 days.  It’s a long time even for an only dog who is well behaved and has water food and shelter to spend alone) 

Edited September 9, 2019 by Pen

[Catwoman]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

Yeah, there is certainly plenty enough to do where I live; I could do all sorts of wonderful things within a thirty-minute drive, I’m so centrally located and spoiled for choice. 

I intended to go to Lake George. Mostly because I have never been there and I wanted to go somewhere I have never been. And that should be just about peak foliage farther north of here. So that was the big attraction. 

But yeah. I mean, I live in the woods and there are craft breweries and vineyards galore, so it’s not as though I can’t have those experiences right here. 

 

Sure, but craft breweries and vineyards in your area would be a romantic weekend getaway for someone from Lake George — because they are probably bored to tears with doing the same old things at Lake George and would like to do something different for a change... you know, the same reason you want to go to Lake George! 

Doing something new and different is what makes it fun!

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Arcadia said:

 

My husband would agree with you on couple time even though he doesn’t want to plan family trips and is happy to go where I want to go.

Besides this trip being an anniversary trip, it would also kind of be a post recovery trip. If you could return the favor to that SIL another time, I would lean towards letting your son stay with her family while you go on your trip. 

You’re not wrong on that. The day of our wedding anniversary will be one year since diagnosis. 

[unsinkable]

3 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I got lost in the double negatives.

  I think knowing what the kid would be doing would be very important in such a case.  I think the ability of Quill to be relaxed and enjoy a special anniversary could depend on what the child would be doing in her absence.  Also perhaps on ability of family members to transport the child to events and respond to any problems.

A lot of people responding that it’s not a problem have either several children so it would not be just one child alone, or they live in a place where the child would have easy access to other people—an urban or town environment with stores and activities in walking or public transit distance.

 

The situation for the child in this thread seems like it would be much more isolated.  No cafe, market, fun classes, friends seem to be an easy and safe walk /public transportation/ bike ride to get to. 

That’s a whole different situation than many people live in.

 

But on the plus side, he's not in a neighborhood where people can see him coming and going all alone with no one else home for 4 days.

[SKL]

7 minutes ago, Terabith said:

So, um, just throwing it out there.  My kid goes to public high school, and none of her friends are the type to do it, but the kinds of kids who are likely to hear about an unoccupied by adults house and crash it to throw a wild, out of control party are not really the type of kids who are going to be dissuaded because they are supposed to be doing their homework.  

A pretty wide swath of high school students just don't DO homework at all.  Not the high achievers, but my kid's school has 2000 kids.  Probably a tenth do homework?  

Well he should also be told not to tell his friends he's home alone.  🙂  He should be able to keep it quiet long enough that nobody will come over and throw a party on a Thursday night.

Again - this is something Quill will know about her own son - whether he is likely to blab and have hordes of kids show up or not.  (Also, the fact that he lives in the boonies is a factor - his 9th grade friends probably don't drive yet.)

[LMD]

I voted maybe. And reading all the replies didn't help!

I would probably talk to my kid and feel the situation out. I suspect my 14 year old wouldn't much like the idea, in which case, I'd tell her to try and organise something (with my suggestion/help) with friends and/or family.

Basically, her feeling confident and wanting the opportunity would be a sign that she could probably handle it and I'd want to support that confidence. I don't think my current 14year old is there yet. 

How far away help was would factor in to the discussion (7mins to SIL? How far is that to walk? Would he be able to call/uber over late at night if necessary?) Would he be able to spend the weekend at SIL's and maybe only Monday night at home or at a school friend's house? I'd try to be less all or nothing and see if he has any other ideas or preferences.

[SKL]

Also - won't your SIL have an anniversary (or similar) at some point?  Won't you be offering to help her with that if she wants to leave town?

[Guest]

Just now, Paradox5 said:

My understanding is legally you cannot leave a child under the age of 18 home alone overnight for any length of time. No way would I do it even with my most responsible child.

That doesnt seem correct to me. Some kids are in college at 17. 

And looking at multiple sites that talk about the actual law, I can’t find any actual law regarding overnight home alone; only minimum age to be alone or to baby-sit. 

[Terabith]

I found some legal advice on google saying that leaving 16 or 17 year old alone for one or two nights could be permissible if the child was mature enough.  

[Farrar]

It's definitely not illegal in most places.

I think you should find a way to go and leave him with your sil. Or, maybe go on a slightly shorter trip and leave him at home. I do feel like there's a big difference between 1 vs. 3 nights. Or even 2. The purpose of the trip seems important.

[SKL]

Yeah, I think the law is on your side as long as you and your son are comfortable.

Where it would get dicey would be if your kid called 911 because there was a centipede in the bathroom and you weren't there to kill it.  😛  I may or may not have a kid who would scream up the neighborhood in that kind of situation, LOL.

Another thing - hide a spare key outside.  You don't want your neighbors calling the cops because your kid is trying to climb in the window.  😛