HOw to stop complaining in 11 year olds

[fairfarmhand]

My son is driving the whole house bananas with his complaining. All day long everything is gripe gripe gripe. 

Anyone have any success in stopping the complaining?

[SKL]

I don't get a ton of complaining, other than when I'm forcing my kids to do something they don't want to do.

If the complaining is about something not being up to his standards, tell him that he can take on the project of fixing the problem or he can find something better to do than complain.  🙂

If it's about stuff you are telling him to do, I can't say I've been successful there ... I just point out that the complaining is making the task take that much longer (as well as putting me in a mood to be crabby myself).  What I don't do is let them skip the task, no matter how long it takes.  If it doesn't get done today, they have to do that much more tomorrow.  (This is not my favorite part of parenting!)

[HS Mom in NC]

I tell my kids to stop complaining and if they don't comply I hand out the same consequences I would if they hadn't complied with any other instructions: getting out of bed on time, doing school and staying on task, doing assigned chores after school, being home on time, being civil, etc.  At my house that means losing all privileges for the day: all electronics and socializing in all forms or for the next day if it's in the afternoon or later.  Each additional infraction means another day without.  A severe infraction means more than one day. My experience with my kids is you get what you inspect and you get what you enforce. It works for us.  

[Katy]

Well all of his hormones are combining to make him increasingly self-centered. So no matter what he's going to be more self-centered than you want him to be.  Sometimes I think those condescending short-term "missions" trips big churches send teens on are ONLY to get them out of their own heads.

If his complaint is a general complaint about the state of the world my rule is after the first time I don't want to hear about it or discuss it unless he has a better idea about how to fix it.  Other than that, suck it up buttercup.  No one wants to listen to you b*tch all day.

If it's a matter of lazy, sorry son, but this is the world in which we live.  If you don't work you don't eat (assuming he is capable of work and is just being lazy).

If it's another issue, I'm sorry, that sucks, figure out a solution or shut up about it.  Focus on what is good or I'll find a way to force you to focus on what is good.  Maybe you need some hard work to do.  Maybe you need to do volunteer work.  Maybe I need to force you to get more exercise so you don't have so much wind left to complain all the time. 

[Momto6inIN]

I tell my kids that complaining people don't have enough to do and so as a helpful service I will provide a list of jobs they can do instead.

They still gripe at me in their heads, I'm sure, but I don't have to hear it much after a few times of that happening 😉

[HomeAgain]

At my wit's end, I refuse to continue a conversation until they tell me 1 (or 3) pleasant things.  It gives me permission to walk away without feeling guilty and helps to reset the habit.
When I'm less fed up, asking "what do you intend to do about it?" helps in a LOT of the situations because it puts the burden back on them to shut up or put up.
If I'm having a slightly more pleasant day, I'm inclined to use more of "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen..." techniques.

Not in the moment: doing a read aloud with Mrs. Pigglewiggle helps to put it in perspective.

[KungFuPanda]

duct tape

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I used money with my son.  I explained our new "allowance" system.  At the beginning of the week, he received a $5, probationary credit.  Every time he whined or complained, some amount was deducted, and at the end of the week, he received what was left.  

[Jaybee]

Went through this quite a few years ago with one of mine, mostly related to school work. (Not a time of the day when I wanted to add extra chores--I wanted him to do his schoolwork!) I labeled a little jar "complaint jar" and told him every time he complained, he had to put a quarter into the complaint jar. And then I was going to go out to the coffee shop and enjoy me some good coffee and a snack, because I surely deserved it after listening to all that complaining. Maybe I kind of built that up with a little drama about how much fun I was going to have...Surprisingly, I think I only got two quarters total. The jar was in a prominent place on the table where he did his school work.

[Lori D.]

11 is about the age when SWB's advice of "snack, shower, nap" is very frequently the answer to complaining, lol.

Adults usually complain because of a good reason -- person feels a low level of worry, feels overwhelmed, dislikes the task, feels under-appreciated or over-worked, the work is not a good match for the adult's specific interests or abilities... Kids are pretty similar. Unless the complaining is coming out of a persistent negativity that is mental health related, perhaps use this as an opportunity to help model and scaffold the child into positive life skills?

Perhaps try really listening/reflective listening, and see if you can help them figure out the root of the problem. Then brainstorm ideas for making the thing they are complaining about not so bad. Giving them some control over the situation -- the responsibility of when/how to do it -- can help reduce complaining. And discuss the idea of choice -- we don't always have a choice over to do/not do something, but we always have a choice over our attitude in doing it. Sometimes that is ALL we might have control over, and complaining and being negative shuts us off from seeing possibilities and creative ways of making it less irksome -- and complaining will most certainly will drive away anyone who might have unexpectedly come alongside to help, LOL. 

Perhaps together read and implement ideas from: What to Do When You Grumble Too Much?

BEST of luck in helping your 11yo nip the complaining habit in the bud! Warmest regards, Lori D.

 

Edited August 1, 2019 by Lori D.

[Alicia64]

Tell your son that instead of complaining, he needs to talk to you about solutions for a particular problem.

Alley

[Tanaqui]

Sounds frustrating.

How do you respond now when he complains?

[KungFuPanda]

clicker training

[KungFuPanda]

written complaints only (to be filed for future review)

[prairiewindmomma]

I've handled it differently with my first three kids.

Kid #1: fed him tons of protein, re-directed him to heavy landscaping work outside. I paid $10/hour and worked him for hours a day hauling rock, soil, plants, and mulch.  He needed to be productively engaged in something where he could see visible progress and move his body.  He also needed separation from his siblings.  He earned enough money for a long list of things he wanted (including noise canceling headphones and expensive camps), and we got two houses ready for re-sale.

Kid #2: fed him, worked on strategies in therapy.  He needed some social skills training and gentle leading from an outside person. This year he hauled rock, soil, and plants at his asking (with us working by his side). He wanted his chance to earn $10/hr. 

Kid #3: we are working on closing our mouths, perspective taking, and redirecting.  If they persist, I have a long list of chores that I need done. So far I'm getting a lot of weeding, lawn watering, dust board cleaning, and other things done. Usually by the time they come in, they are reading for a nap or a bit of light reading (ie--time to regroup and resettle emotions).

The root problem has been different in each kid, so they've had targeted solutions. 

[PeppermintPattie]

When my son complained, I doubled whatever he was complaining about - the math assignment, the chore, whatever. My friend tried this with her son, and when he complained about xyz for breakfast, he had to have it again the next day. It gets the point across about how much complaining is going on and that it's unacceptable. It only took 3 days to change his behavior.

[fairfarmhand]

Today’s complaints:

having to wear deodorant

having trouble finding deodorant

wearing socks

finding socks

riding in the car

its hot

why does he have so many sisters

school starts next week 

why is he the only person to replace toilet paper on the holder 

[HomeAgain]

It's a bit like having a toddler all over again, isn't it? 😄

[Momto6inIN]

4 hours ago, Suzanne in ABQ said:

I used money with my son.  I explained our new "allowance" system.  At the beginning of the week, he received a $5, probationary credit.  Every time he whined or complained, some amount was deducted, and at the end of the week, he received what was left.  

 

4 hours ago, Jaybee said:

Went through this quite a few years ago with one of mine, mostly related to school work. (Not a time of the day when I wanted to add extra chores--I wanted him to do his schoolwork!) I labeled a little jar "complaint jar" and told him every time he complained, he had to put a quarter into the complaint jar. And then I was going to go out to the coffee shop and enjoy me some good coffee and a snack, because I surely deserved it after listening to all that complaining. Maybe I kind of built that up with a little drama about how much fun I was going to have...Surprisingly, I think I only got two quarters total. The jar was in a prominent place on the table where he did his school work.

I tried this with my oldest when he was this age ... he looked at me kinda side eyed and said, "Is this for every time or just right now while we're shopping?" I could tell my little cheapskate was trying to figure out just how much $$$ he was willing to lose 😂

[Momto6inIN]

19 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

why is he the only person to replace toilet paper on the holder 

Ok, this one is legit LOL

[Jaybee]

35 minutes ago, Momto6inIN said:

 

I tried this with my oldest when he was this age ... he looked at me kinda side eyed and said, "Is this for every time or just right now while we're shopping?" I could tell my little cheapskate was trying to figure out just how much $$$ he was willing to lose 😂

Yeah, I have another for whom this wouldn't have worked, because money wasn't a big deal to him. Thankfully, he wasn't much of a complainer. The one with the complaint jar was only a complainer about school, and there wasn't a deeper problem; he just wanted to do other things. But he was determined I wasn't going to get a coffee from him, and that quickly eliminated the problem.

[Shoeless]

I've been calling my son's bluff.  

Him: "I don't want to blah blah blah blah complain complain gripe"

Me: "Ok, don't". (and then I go back to whatever I was doing like I have no cares in the world). 

Him: "Wait, no, that's not what I meant"

Me: "Oh.  So what *did* you mean?"

Last week, it was complaining that he didn't want to go to the store with me. "Ok, so don't go.  Stay home" "No wait, I don't want that either!" *shrug* Well, pick one. Those are the only two choices available! Before that, it was complaining that he had to put his laundry away.  "Ok, don't put it away. In fact, we'll just stop wearing clothes and everyone will be naked all the time.  No more laundry, ever.  It will save a lot of work and water".  Him: "No!!! I don't want that!"  Well, I guess we're stuck putting laundry away then! 

[sweet2ndchance]

My answer for whiny preteens (that is totally a thing that no one tells you about before you have kids) is that just because they are miserable doesn't mean they get to make everyone else that has to be around them miserable too. If his complaints are just complaints and not actual issues or actionable concerns, then they can sit in their room (or just somewhere away from everyone else without any kind of electronic entertainment or anything of that sort) until they can be a decent human being again. When the complaints start circling around to things they either already know the answer to (why do you have so many sisters) or stuff that no one else is complaining about but have to suffer through too (deodorant/socks/heat/ car rides) that's usually when I tell them to go be by themselves for a while until they can stop trying to make everyone else miserable. Of course this is after I have ascertained that there isn't something else going on and it's just preteen hormones causing them to be obnoxious.

[Pippen]

I haven't read the other replies but when mine was doing the all day long complaining, the one thing that finally worked was to immediately drop everything and listen. I mean, I literally drop what I was doing, grab a piece of paper and pencil, and sat myself down at the kitchen table. Sat the kid down across from me wrote down DS's Complaint List followed by #1 and looked him straight in the eyes and invited him to explain his complaint to me. Then I mustered up the most sympathetic voice and expression I could manage and told him I heard him and was really very sorry he felt that way, etc. Then I asked what else was bothering him...and what else....and what else, all the while recording and expressing my concern. By about #5 he was really wanting up from the table so I let him up, but the next time he complained I grabbed my notepad and repeated the whole ordeal, then read it all back to him to make sure that I  truly understood him. 😉

I don't know how long it took exactly--probably under a week--until he started cutting himself off when he saw me reach for the notepad. It didn't totally end complaining but reduced it to a normal level. 

[Ottakee]

3 hours ago, HeighHo said:

 

Sounds like he needs to go camping.  That will get his mind off the molehills and onto the mountains.

And camping means no need for deodorant, no sisters, no riding in the car and if he wears hiking sandals, no socks.  Solves a lot of issues     oh...and rustic camping, no real need for toilet paper...or at least not the need to put it on the holder.

Edited August 2, 2019 by Ottakee

[katilac]

I'll let you know when my new book, How to Stop Complaining in 11-Year-Olds, is complete. It's part of a series: 

How to Stop Teen Drama 

How to Make Your Mom Stop Worrying 

How to Teach Your Husband to Find Things (subtitle: If It Was a Snake, It Would Have Bit You) 

[Shoeless]

3 hours ago, katilac said:

I'll let you know when my new book, How to Stop Complaining in 11-Year-Olds, is complete. It's part of a series: 

How to Stop Teen Drama 

How to Make Your Mom Stop Worrying 

How to Teach Your Husband to Find Things (subtitle: If It Was a Snake, It Would Have Bit You) 

 

Can you hurry with the Husband book, please? My DH keeps asking if I've seen where his good scissors are and checks the same 2 spots for them, over and over.  Surprise! The good scissors still aren't there! When I suggested looking someplace other than the same two spots, he looked at me with all seriousness and said "Why would they be in the garage? They are supposed to be right here *points to the first place he looked*".  Okay...but we've already established that they aren't where they are supposed to be, so maybe it's time to look in the places where they shouldn't be? Because that's the whole problem right there: they aren't where they are supposed to be. If they were, we'd have found them by now.  

 

[moonflower]

fairfarmhand, this has been a very entertaining thread, thank you

I have a 14yo for whom everything is exasperating all the time.  

[73349]

16 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I've been calling my son's bluff.  

Him: "I don't want to blah blah blah blah complain complain gripe"

Me: "Ok, don't". (and then I go back to whatever I was doing like I have no cares in the world). 

Him: "Wait, no, that's not what I meant"

Me: "Oh.  So what *did* you mean?"

Last week, it was complaining that he didn't want to go to the store with me. "Ok, so don't go.  Stay home" "No wait, I don't want that either!" *shrug* Well, pick one. Those are the only two choices available! Before that, it was complaining that he had to put his laundry away.  "Ok, don't put it away. In fact, we'll just stop wearing clothes and everyone will be naked all the time.  No more laundry, ever.  It will save a lot of work and water".  Him: "No!!! I don't want that!"  Well, I guess we're stuck putting laundry away then! 

Unfortunately, this would completely backfire with my kid, who DOES want to stay home alone and who would be DELIGHTED to stop wearing clothes.

We are also having this issue, and as soon as we finish one other topic we're working on (I think another week or two), I'm going to give him Complaining Lessons as a school subject (and then once he's had a chance to learn, I will go with the allowance deductions). I told him about it yesterday when he complained in a store: "You are a Complaining Enthusiast right now, but it's not working for you because you're not that skilled at it yet. I'm going to give you lessons as soon as we finish [book he's enjoying]."

In Complaining Lessons, I want him to stop and rephrase the problem (in his head) as an "I want." Not "I'm cold," but "I want to be warmer." Not "This is taking too long," but "I want to finish this so I can ...," etc.
The next step is to ask himself whether he can in fact solve the problem without bothering anybody else. "I want to be warmer" should lead to "I can put on my sweatshirt," which does not require assistance when you are eleven years old. "I want to finish this" should lead to something like "I'll tackle this and see if I can get it done in three more minutes" or "I can switch to [other required task] as a break and come back to this."
If he can't solve it himself, he can ask himself what is the likely outcome of asking politely for what he wants. If the issue is that he is having to do school when he would like to be playing his favorite video game, he knows it's going to be a No, so asking will only annoy me, and he should keep his I Want to himself. On the other hand, if it's 11:30 and he'd like to eat lunch before doing more school work, he has a good chance at a Yes, and he should phrase his request accordingly: "Is it okay if I have lunch now and come back to this afterward? Being hungry is distracting me."
The last step would be accepting No for an answer if his request is refused. That's likely to be a hard part for him.

Generally, when DS is causing a problem, my first assumption is that he is missing a skill, and it's my job to teach him that skill and then the habit of using it. Sometimes he does have the skill and would rather prove it than be taught again, but often he really doesn't know what to do. This stuff is just not obvious to him--he doesn't perceive that everybody else is doing this instead of whining and complaining, so "Stop complaining!!!" doesn't solve the problem. ETA: I've verified this by saying it lots of times even though I've already concluded that it's ineffective, so I have a habit to change as well.

Edited August 2, 2019 by whitehawk

[May]

15 hours ago, katilac said:

I'll let you know when my new book, How to Stop Complaining in 11-Year-Olds, is complete. It's part of a series: 

How to Stop Teen Drama 

How to Make Your Mom Stop Worrying 

How to Teach Your Husband to Find Things (subtitle: If It Was a Snake, It Would Have Bit You) 

Ill pay double for an advance copy of “How to Teach Your Husband to Find Things”😊

[MEmama]

Food, sleep, exercise and space. Rinse and repeat.

Being a preteen sucks. I found mine responded much better to understanding and grace than to snark or punishment.

[Pippen]

19 hours ago, Ottakee said:

And camping means no need for deodorant, no sisters, no riding in the car and if he wears hiking sandals, no socks.  Solves a lot of issues     oh...and rustic camping, no real need for toilet paper...or at least not the need to put it on the holder.

Could add rain to that camping trip for extra impact.

[kbutton]

On 8/1/2019 at 2:47 PM, Lori D. said:

Perhaps try really listening/reflective listening, and see if you can help them figure out the root of the problem. Then brainstorm ideas for making the thing they are complaining about not so bad. Giving them some control over the situation -- the responsibility of when/how to do it -- can help reduce complaining.

That has helped here.

On 8/1/2019 at 4:52 PM, fairfarmhand said:

Today’s complaints:

having to wear deodorant

having trouble finding deodorant

wearing socks

finding socks

riding in the car

its hot

why does he have so many sisters

school starts next week 

why is he the only person to replace toilet paper on the holder 

So, my younger son has *always* noticed girls. Like, since toddler ages. He even LIKES kissing in movies, lol. We turn several of these kinds of things into, "Why don't you try that on your first date and see if you get a second date?" With humor, not in a mean way. It's very effective. 

You could even spin some of the things like having sisters into a life skill--"So you'll be really good at noticing things that are important to your future GF/wife..." The replacing toilet paper thing is resume worthy for a future wife, lol! Quite seriously, I worked with a man who grew up sandwiched between two sisters, and he ALWAYS noticed when someone had a new outfit, haircut, jewelry, etc., and it wasn't just noticing with the women at work--he noticed and complimented everyone, and it was something that people really responded positively to. 

Some things can just be silly--"We have to ride in the car because I don't have a broom big enough for all of us." 

22 hours ago, MissLemon said:

I've been calling my son's bluff.  

Also worked here if combined with a sense of humor.

There are so many good (and funny) ideas in this thread! Love it.

I strongly agree that this is the age for being more clueless about people and hyper-aware of self. With my boys, 11 is when it seemed to peak and then suddenly start getting better, so you might be almost over this stage.

[Shoeless]

7 hours ago, whitehawk said:

Unfortunately, this would completely backfire with my kid, who DOES want to stay home alone and who would be DELIGHTED to stop wearing clothes.

 

Yes, it really only works for mine because he's just complaining to get a rise out of someone.  Even though I call him on his bluff with humor, I'm actually trying to get across to him that people will absolutely take you at your word, so think before you run your mouth. 

I will let you know when he's 35 or so if I've been successful with this plan! 

[Jaybee]

You know, I'm generally a pretty understanding mom. I have always tried to find what was underneath behaviors and be sensitive to my kids. But sometimes...they just get stuck and need to be approached in a different way that shakes up their thinking and helps them to see a new perspective. Complaining can be one of those things. They can get into a bad habit of griping about everything, and may not really need an audience. They might need something to help them realize how often they are complaining, and a little motivation to think before they talk. Yes, it's true they need a healthy environment where they are listened to and cared for. But now and then (in my personal experience) a thoughtful and sensitive approach has backfired into creating melodrama, manipulation, and dragging out something that needs to be nipped in the bud. I try to keep an arsenal of a variety of approaches to parenting. Humor and tongue-in-cheek can be helpful sometimes, and it doesn't mean that you are being mean to your kids.