How to have a “normal” wedding for <$10,000

[Ginevra]

I know we have talked about this before and I know it varies greatly by region, but I want to bring up my own thread about how to do this. Oh, and I know “normal” also varies drastically, but I mean a wedding with probably 100-150 guests, with the features that are usually involved in weddings where I live: semi-formal to formal attire, flowers, reception with tables with linens and preferably not paper/plastic dinnerware, a meal, a dessert, photography, music/dj, drinks, dancing and a little favor gift for each attendee. 

One thing I wonder: how does one begin to try to identify a location that isn’t expensive? Especially since some venues have hidden rules like you have to use their caterers, or they charge more for a wedding than, say, a reunion. It’s really hard for me to be the least bit deceptive, but it seems sensible to me to call places (or have another person call) and ask as if it is a reunion of some sort, then call again for a wedding price, just to see if there is an upcharge for weddings. I have heard this about desserts, too. 

So sprinkle me with ideas. I have strong DIY tendencies, but I also know that DIYing for your own child’s wedding is really not simple and I have heard some horror stories, like someone who made hundreds of cupcakes before realizing she didn’t have a way to actually transport 200 cupcakes, nevermind that every horizontal surface in her house had cupcakes on it! 😂 When I got married in 1994, my very clever sister made all my flowers, though they were artificial, which made it fairly simple to do them ahead of time. 

[Guest]

8 minutes ago, Thatboyofmine said:

Well, for the venue, what about your own church?   It may be free or a small fee, since you’re a member.   If they have a reception hall, even better.   I got married way back in 2000, at my own church.  My mom gave the pastor a ‘tip’, if you will.    He didn’t charge us.   Also, that church allowed alcohol at weddings and dancing, so don’t count out a church wedding if you’re wanting all that.  (This church was episcopal)

 

Well, we’re not members in the way you’re probably thinking of. We’re come-and-go “members,” not signed, committed members. My dd hasn’t been there in a couple years and doesn’t particularly like their flavor of worship, so...probably not. They don’t have a reception hall, either. They do weddings sometimes, but I don’t think it’s free. 

[Frances]

We got married on our college campus and it was almost free. The church was free and the reception was held in the beautiful alumni house which charged a nominal fee to alumni. Almost every weekend from May to September there is a wedding at the small park near us. It has one of the few community centers in the city and costs a few hundred dollars to rent for the day. The park is quite picturesque and is a common location for senior pictures, family portraits, etc. 

Although it was a long time ago, I think the main way we saved money was to as much as possible use people and places we knew already. So our college for the location, friends for the music, a relative for photography, our college catering for the food, etc.

Edited to add that since we lived locally to our college (even though graduated) and our parents did not, we handled all of the planning and almost all of the costs. Our parents were able to just come and enjoy the weekend.

Edited July 27, 2019 by Frances

[historically accurate]

Venues that are popular and fairly inexpensive in my area: restored historic mill in a city park, moose club, tebala shrine, community center, history museum that has a restored church building, chapel at college. 2 friends who are both pilots rented out a small hanger at a small local airport. Is there a hobby the couple is into that they can look to use facilities there?

When on a budget, you should first prioritize - what is most important for it to be the perfect wedding? For my wedding, it was pictures and food. I spent a lot on the photographer and the caterer (although with a more casual venue, we could save some $ here). Flowers were important to my mother, so she upped the budget for what she wanted. We chose a family member's yard and had a bonfire for a reception, since neither of us cared too much about venue and DH vetoed all dancing. Music? It was my brother on borrowed dj equipment. 

Nowadays, a lot of people are pretty good amateur photographers, so you could probably use a student building a portfolio or a friend for a discounted price. 

Edited July 27, 2019 by beckyjo

[EmseB]

We saved on costs by getting married on a Friday instead of a Saturday. I know that makes it hard for people who would have to take a day off work, etc., but we were forced into it by timing (we had to cancel our first wedding date and re-plan on a very short timeline due to deployments and every Saturday for months was already booked). It ended up saving us a ton of money from venue to vendors.

[Bambam]

I've seen people here get married at a local state park. It is outdoors - but they have the pavilion reserved for eating and could be used, I guess, for the ceremony should the weather not cooperate. I think the park charges some minor fee for this, and there is the admission fee for every guest ($5/person or $20/car). So if you are talking 100 people, that is still a LOT for the venue. 

 

[theelfqueen]

My son got married on a Sunday morning ... brunch foods were less expensive  and so was the venue (they had evening weddings on either side) . They did artificial flowers. A friend handled the DJ duties with a playlist and the venues sound system. 

[Lori D.]

I would first identify what you mean by "normal" wedding, and what that has to include. For me, it sounds like many of the things you are listing are going to be "normal" only for a more formal/traditional wedding (but I live in a more relaxed informal area of the country), and will be expensive:
- rental of a second/separate reception location 
- sit-down dinner with drinks, alcohol, dessert
- use of non-disposable tablecloths/dishes/silverware
- favors for the attendees

We held the wedding and reception at our church, family members made the finger foods and wedding cake -- a small round cake for DH & I, and a sheet cake, both tastefully decorated with live flowers -- and a friend made the bouquets and boutineers from bulk flowers purchased the day before. DH and I designed and photocopied our own invitations, a friend took the photographs as a gift, and we held the wedding outside under a stunning sunset. The biggest expenses were my dress, chair rental, and DH's suit. We each only had 2 people stand up with us (total of 4 bridesmaids/groomsmen), and asked them to wear nice pastel knee-length dresses they already owned (ladies), and slacks with pastel button down shirts (men), as DH's white suit had a shirt with multiple pastel colors. Some friends were just starting up a band (they were good!), and they played for free at the reception, so live music. It was all lovely to me! That all came to just under what would be $2500 in today's dollars. BUT both DH and I were both on the same page about wanting a nice, but low-cost wedding so that we could afford to take a honeymoon trip together and have a little left over to buy a few needed items for starting a home together.

If you are willing to adapt your list of wants, there are ways of reducing costs. Here are a few articles, and below are a few more ideas:
Money Crashers: How To Save Money on a Wedding
Nerd Wallet: 25 Ways to Save on a Wedding

venue -- wedding and reception at one location
- church that one of the 2 families is a member of
- rent one venue and hold both the ceremony and reception there
- free or low-cost -- reserve a location outside at a park or beach
- try a venue that is more remote, or is a start-up that may be willing to cut a deal to bring in customers

food
- cake -- Costco sheet cake; you can spiff it up with live flowers, bought in bulk from Costco
- other dessert -- we went to a wedding recently where they had purchased a dozen pies of different flavors in lieu of cake
- schedule the wedding at a time of day that does not require a sit-down meal, just finger-food snacks
- some chain restaurants do catering for a reasonable price
- if planning on a venue and their caterer, be very direct and provide your own contract for them to sign that states any costs not directly stated on their contract that you sign, THEY will be responsible for -- you will only pay for those costs discussed and agreed upon and in writing on their contract that you sign -- and, of course, read it very very carefully before signing

table settings
- walk around your local Dollar Store and see if you can pull together some items for $3 or less per table to make decor, and add a few rolls of sparkly ribbon on sale from JoAnne's or Michael's
- $1 plastic table cloths sprinkled with a little confetti or glitter -- reuse the table cloths afterwards as drop cloths for messy projects
- Dollar Store silverware bundles, and donate to Good Will when you're done??

wedding party
- limit how many people "stand up" with bride and groom to just 1-2 for each side (so a total of 2-4 bridesmaids/groomsmen) -- I've seen some weddings with 6-8 bridesmaids/groomsmen on EACH side -- expensive!!! 😫 -- instread, try and include all those "special friends" in other ways at the wedding, or at the pre-wedding bridal shower / groom party
- skip the formal gowns that the ladies will never wear again ($$$ and a waste!), and formal tux rental for guys
- have the wedding party wear nice outfits they already own, or purchase something nice that they will wear again- if wanting matching outfits, have the ladies go to a local clothing store and purchase matching dresses that they'll wear again; have guys purchase the same color slacks and button-down shirts and ties, no jackets

photography
- if you have a college/art school nearby, perhaps approach the photography students and work out a deal
- if going with a professional wedding photographer, go for the very basic package (no pre- or post-wedding day photo shoots), and have friends who are good with a camera take lots of candids of the reception (our family has done informal candids for about half a dozen friends)

DJ
- rent a speaker and microphone for the day (or use the venue's equipment) and have a "tech-savvy" friend download a DJ app and play music off of his/her phone or laptop

favors
- skip --personally, I never bring home crafty/decorator doo-dah things that go straight into the trash
- dollar store vase with Costco bulk flower bouquet on each table -- guests take home the flowers from the bouquets
- make it something edible that already comes packaged in individual sizes -- if wanting to personalize, print little labels with names of couple in a heart to stick on each one

Edited July 27, 2019 by Lori D.

[cabercro]

We had a very "normal", "on-trend" Pinterest wedding, about 6 months before Pinterest became a "thing". We were even featured on one of the many wedding blogs that were popular back then. Our wedding wasn't cheap, but we but DIYed a lot and spent far less than my friends who had similarly sized and themed weddings. Our wedding was in 2011, so somewhat current.  🙂

• The #1 thing we did was purposefully starting with a more rustic vibe. This made it so much easier to mix and match pieces, use vintage or thrifted items, and hand make items. It's really hard to do a "fancy" wedding with rhinestones and bling and make it look expensive with Dollar Tree/Walmart items.
• We used basic stationary supplies for our invitations and printed them at Staples. We had a few things custom printed, like RSVP postcards based on a vintage postcard we found for our reception location, which made the whole invitation look custom.
• We shopped venues and purposefully picked one that allowed us to pick our own caterers, didn't charge by the hour, etc. 
• My dress was a cheap one from a bridal store, and I bought my bridesmaid dresses for $20 each at a J Crew outlet. Same style, 4 different colors. Again, a more rustic vibe meant we didn't have a strict color scheme, so this worked.
• Our only hired musician was the organist for the church ceremony. A friend and his bluegrass buddy played for cocktail hour and were paid with craft beer. My husband borrowed a sound system from the school he worked at for the reception and we made an iTunes playlist ahead of time for the reception. We put another friend in charge of pressing play on the laptop and announcing as needed.
• My mom actually did make 200+ cupcakes for the reception. 😁 She started a month ahead of time and froze them until the day before the wedding. I have a very fond memory of my cousins, aunts, and bridesmaids icing cupcakes in the hotel suite the night before the wedding. My husband's aunt made a small cake to cut (funfetti, per our request) and I made a paper banner topper for it.
• Rustic vibe = less fancy (cheaper) catering menu. We found a caterer who specialized in bbq and helped us make a menu that was upscale but not standard wedding food. Also, buffet instead of plated saved $.
• Wine and beer were purchased at Total Wine and brought to the reception by my uncles.
• Tablecloths, plates, centerpieces, and all other decorations were thrifted or DIYed. 
• My mom nurtured a large bunch of succulents leading up to the wedding that we used as decorations and favors. 
• Flowers were done by Whole Foods (and they did a lovely job).

Overall, we prioritized our money on the big "experience" pieces that mattered to us (venue, good food, photographer, a shuttle service to and from the venue/hotels to keep people safe) and found ways to DIY/cut costs on the things that weren't as important to us.

A few caveats though: my mom and I have been antique shoppers since my childhood, so the vintage, mix-matched look is what I would have wanted no matter what our budget. We've also always been DIYers, so this was well within our comfort zones. AND hubby, mom, and I are all teachers, so we had the entire summer to do all the work before our fall wedding.

Edited July 27, 2019 by cabercro

[Faith-manor]

The cheapest way is if you are connected to a church, that church will let you use the venue for low fee, you do all of the custodial work afterward yourself, you cook it all yourself, you keep that food simple or do dessert reception only, do not hire a DJ or other entertainment, and you use cheap paper products.

If.

In our area, churches no longer allow anyone to use their facilities for free or low cost. It is $200 for the sanctuary for the ceremony (not including the pastor's fee or the organist/pianist), and upwards of $500 for the fellowship hall. They then charge $25.00 for custodial unless you do all of it yourself which includes cleaning the bathrooms, vacuuming everywhere anyone might have walked, etc. My family and I did this for dd's wedding in order to save money, and we were so exhausted I can look back and say it wasn't worth it. My family is very small and numerous individuals have major health issues so my work team was not very large, friends turned out to be quite fair weather in nature. I had helped numerous friends pull off their daughter's DIY weddings, but when the time came to return the favor, NOPE.  The groom's family was from out of state and couldn't stay very late to clean up. As a DIY wedding, we also had all the set up as well. To be honest, my daughter's wedding was not something I enjoyed. I survived, but I did not enjoy it.

Professional photography runs anywhere from $500-1000 plus then ordering prints afterward. Maybe if enough of your family or friends have DSLR cameras that they are good with and you eschew the typical posed, professional shots and go with only impromptu stuff, you could save a lot of money right there.

So you have to decide what is most important to you.

If you can keep the guest list to 75 people, I think the easiest thing is to go to a city park, a courthouse lawn, whatever, pay an officiant to do the ceremony using the great outdoors as the "wedding look", and then head to a restaurant. You can pull together super easy candle arrangements for the tables, and normally if you are paying for that many people to eat, the staff will put them out for you. Here is the recipe:

Dollar Store: Candle jars in nesting sizes - nearly every Dollar Tree that I have been in has them. 3 sizes, one "gold" charger plate/tray, three bags of gem stones, packages of floating candles (sometimes they come 2 to a pack, sometimes 3 although the really good ones are the packs of 9 in the net bags from Michael's and you can use 40% of coupon. Grab some friends, and go get them. It comes out to about 33 cents a piece and they do last quite a while longer than the dollar store ones.) Go to JoAnn's when tulle is on sale, buy 3 yards of the color of choice. Cut that material in thirds the long way and then in 18" length so you end up with 18 pieces. Nestle the three jars into the center of the tray, wrap tulle around the jars, tie a knot. Drop gems in the bottom, fill with water, add candle voila. If you want to splurge, go get a bunch of baby's breath from the florist. It's about $16.00-18.00 for a large amount and you could do up to 25 centerpieces with it. Cut sprigs and submerse in the jars with the candles on top. This is absolutely elegant looking, and you have spent about $11.00 for the centerpiece. If you want a splash of color, you can usually get some cheap poly satin online at $2-3 a yard. Cut it into large squares with pinking shears so you don't have to hem it, and set the centerpiece on it.

Done this way, if the bride doesn't go crazy with wedding dress costs, and you don't feed a large crowd, even with a photographer, you could come in under $10,000 and probably a bit more. The issue is that it is not uncommon for people to spend $2500 on a dress, $2500 on a photographer, $1000 - 3500 on alcoholic beverages, catering which for any kind of nice food at all is often $20 per person, $1000 for a DJ, $500 - $2500 for the venue, etc. It is just a lot of money, and musicians don't come cheap either. Since weddings are a real pain in the neck to do because you have to give up Friday night for the rehearsal, and then a chunk of Saturday, I never charge less than $250.00 and if I have to meet multiple times with vocalists to practice their solos, I charge way more than that. I am not remotely out of line with the average market value of a classically trained pianist, if anything, a little under.

Keep costs low by foregoing the traditional items that really, you just never look at or use again...unity candles or unity sand arrangements, guestbooks, etc. 

Cakes are another thing that get very expensive. Some of the ones with all the sugar paste flowers and fondant can run $5.00 a slice with a minimum charge of $500.00. To be honest, unless you are affording the really high end bakeries, I've found they really don't taste very good either. So one option would be to go to your supermarket bakery, ask for three nesting tiers with plain buttercream icing and NO decorating, and then order some pretty flowers from the florist, and decorate yourself. If you want a border, you can easily buy 1.5" wide ribbon in some gorgeous pattern, and put it around the base of each cake. I did this for my parents 40th wedding anniversary. They wanted a big party with lots of friends so I order the three tiers, spent $19.00 on ebay for acrylic victorian/garden stands to display them on, ran ribbon around the bases, and put dyed daisies, baby's breath, and stock flowers around them. The florist for nominal fee, made a small cake topper of flowers and ribbon. The whole thing was stunning and cost less than $100.00 to feed 200 people. I decorated a wedding one time for a bride who really hated cake. Like seriously against cake, LOL. She was a hoot. She hit up all her baking relatives for two dozen of their best cookies, whatever flavors they liked, and those were put out on dollar store silver trays. The cookie reception. I was a big fan! After the venue put their white table cloth and skirting on the dessert table, I covered with dirt cheap, white polyester chiffon, and then ran twinkle lights under it around the edges, placed a lovely floral arrangement in the center, and placed all of the cookie trays around the centerpiece. I truly don't think except for a few of the old people who just seem determined to be given expensive, decorated cake at weddings, anyone missed the cake.

Officiants are definitely a cost and most I've seen advertise $125.00 - $500.00 with most being right around $200.00 unless there is no rehearsal, and it's just a walk up affair.

Renting china looks nice, but it's not cheap. I ended up doing this for DD. The church venue did not have any cups or plates just silverware, and she really wanted a decent sit down meal especially because so many people on his side were traveling so far. Back in 2013 it was $2.00 per person for dinner plate, salad plate, and a nice water glass. I am sure it has gone up a lot since then. For hot beverages, I bought wax paper cups with cardboard holders. Didn't look great, but the budget only went so far..... I hate styrofoam, and in general I kind of hate paper products that are such heavy polluters so I am a fan of renting actual service ware. However, I know that's not in everyone's budget.

The only way though to really keep costs for 100 or more people below $10,000 these days is A. no expectations among family a big shin dig they should get to attend B. No expectation of this on the part of the bride and groom. C. Access to free or very low cost venue. D. Dessert and beverage only reception, no meal. D. Do 90% of it yourself, and just suck it up that you'll be exhausted and probably not enjoy the day. E. Prioritize the big ticket items and only get a couple of them. So maybe the bride wants a killer dress? Then no photographer or DJ. Something like that.

Also, you can eliminate the hundreds that come flying out of your pocket by keeping other things down. Don't agree to pay for the travel of bridal party members. Bride and groom have to use local people. Don't agree to buy the dresses or suits for the bridal party. Better yet, tell the girls to wear whatever little black dress they own, and tell the guys to wear a white button down, black pants, dark shoes, and you'll provide matching ties if that is important to you. There are lots of online places for ties that are reasonably priced. Don't have hair and makeup professionally done. Locally, an up do and make up at the salons run $100 per person, and that is low. I've heard of a lot worse in HCOL areas. One mom, bride, three bridesmaids, grandma, and your out $600.00 right there.

We spent about $5500 on our DD's wedding, and I did everything except I ordered 7 pies, and we had a small wedding cake made which was decorated with fabric flowers that I provided. We fed 75, and we had no professional photographer. DD had a very close friend who was a photographer and did the event for free, then handed us a CD of the photos which we had printed on shutterfly. Our church charged us $200 for the use of the facility despite being members, and a custodial fee of $150 despite the fact that we cleaned everything and the custodian did not even come in...apparently it was because she had to unlock, and then come lock up again. The pastor charged $200.00 despite the fact that my uncle, ordained in the same denomination, was actually performing the ceremony. It was another church policy about "shared pulpit' or something so definitely read all of the fine print and add it up before you sign. It was $1200.00 to feed the 75 people a simple, sit down meal, but at that point, I simply couldn't be in so many places at once and cook it all myself. I would have had to miss the wedding ceremony in order to man the kitchen because I had no one else in the family or among friends who was willing to do it. We paid $800 for her dress, and $150 for alterations. Alterations are always expensive because wedding gowns are a pain to take a part and take in, let out, hem, etc. Hers had to be "hemmed" at the waist so as to not cut off the gorgeous scalloped lace at the bottom, and then re-gathered and attached to the bodice. Thankfully, she didn't need any other alterations.

Dry cleaning and boxing up for gowns can run $100.00 or more. One option is if the bride doesn't care about keeping the dress, donate it, and let someone else do the dry cleaning. We also looked at used dresses for dd, but never found anything that could be made down small enough. She was a size 2, almost a 0 in terms of wedding dress size, but also 5'5" which is taller than the average for young women of that size waist and bust. If you want to go the used route and have it altered, you'll need to start very early on that hunt if the bride is not a more average size and shape.

Mostly, it's about keeping it simple, eliminating the big ticket items, and not allowing yourself to be pushed around by relatives who are determined to be wined and dined in style. Pushy relatives. I have stories. Dh and I did not enjoy our own wedding at all - like seriously regret even having and wedding and wished we'd eloped - because of everyone else. My own parents were the biggest culprits, and totally narcissistic about it. My grandmother, his grandmother, two aunts, and cousin, made for an absolutely hideous day of dealing with people who needed therapy or something. You simply have to find ways to not have these people around or involved, or not invite them or...

Also, if the bride and groom are not of a faith tradition where it is considered very important to have a big family and community wide, all church kind of reception, check into destination weddings if you can keep it to a very, very small guest list. You don't have to go to the Virgin Islands or some other exotic location. There are many lovely B&B's that you can go to which are truly gorgeous, rent all the rooms for a couple of nights, and still only spend a couple thousand dollars, and then use a restaurant for a meal after. Often you can just get a local officiant to come, landscaped gardens, lovely furnishings. If you can keep it to just a handful of couples, this is a great way to have an amazing, intimate wedding without work and drama.

[DawnM]

I have friends whose kids have done inexpensive weddings.

Usually at a church.  Although one friend did it at a small chapel behind a florist's place.  On a Monday evening.  $200 for the rental of the chapel and florist (more of a large greenhouse with tables for eating) area.  

Here are some ideas I have seen:

• Wedding on a different day than Saturday, much cheaper
• Wedding off season
• Cater your own (one friend had women in the church offer to make things.  She had a Pulled pork BBQ, chips, potato salad, baked beans, and cupcakes.  Friends helped cook up the BBQ and heat beans.  Women made potato salad.  Another brought in sandwich platters, chips, potato salad, etc... from Costco.  Most had sweet tea, un-sweet tea, coffee, and lemonade.
• Rent a tent.  DH's brother did tent rentals on their parents' 5 acre property.  
• Another friend's kids had soup, really hearty rolls, and salad.  Friends made soups and they had it in crock pots.  They bought good rolls, and had bagged salads with several toppings and dressings available.
• Make your own centerpieces or look on CL for wedding decor that has already been used but is in great condition
• Get a used dress and there are various ways the groom and groomsmen can dress that doesn't require a tux rental.

I have told my boys that getting married does NOT have to cost a fortune they should save money for the actual living of the marriage.  Who knows how their future brides will feel about that, but.....

[ktgrok]

One idea I think is still fancy but lower cost would be to have a dessert reception rather than a full meal. So have a late wedding and then dessert/coffee/wine. I've seen lovely dessert buffets, that have candy bars, etc. Very classy if you want it to be, everyone can dress up as it is evening, but you can buy candy, cookies, brownies, cheese cake slices, etc etc at Costco or wherever. 

[ktgrok]

Or, if willing to be less traditional, I've known people to have an outdoor cookout reception. You don't have to DIY the food, you can hire food trucks or a barbecue place to cater it. But catered pulled pork, sides, etc plus big tubs  of beer/soda/water can be a lot less expensive, plus have the nice drink dispensers with lemonade, maybe an adult signature drink or too (lemonade with bourbon, etc). Fun for everyone, dress is more casual, tons of fun. 

Honestly, talking to many people who have been married in the past decade, everyone agrees they enjoy a more casual party with lots of good food and beer than something fancy in a hotel ballroom. Guests will not judge you as a person for a more casual affair, as long as it is fun. 

[marbel]

We found a wedding venue through our caterer. It was a private women's club that rented the building for a reasonable fee. They had a few restrictions - beer and hard liquor were not allowed, but wine and champagne were fine; a few others I can't really remember. We had wedding ceremony and reception there, on a Sunday - not so much for price but for availability. We had to ensure the place was clean and locked up; a friend did that for me as my wedding gift.  Another friend went to the wholesale flower market and got flowers for the tables, which she placed in simple dollar store vases. The ceremony was outside in a courtyard surrounded by trees and flowering perennials; no more flowers were needed. The only favors were chocolate-wrapped hearts; I had huge angst over favors but as I thought back on weddings I had attended, I could remember very few favors. 

It wasn't a "normal" wedding by your definition - the whole thing went from 2-6pm; there was no sit-down meal, but lots of great hors d'oeuvres. We had music via a pianist but that did not stop people from dancing.  (She was great, accommodating lots of requests.) But, everyone seemed to have a good time. 

I think a "normal" wedding varies not only by region, but by generation. Most of the weddings I have been to in the past few years have been very different from the formula my peers followed: sit-down dinner, overlong toasts by wedding party members and parents, and music with an annoying DJ and too many "set" dances for bride/groom/parents/wedding party for the guests to watch while they long to dance themselves. 

Edited July 27, 2019 by marbel

[Faith-manor]

Also, an important thing to note. The current trend to avoid officiant fees is to have a friend become "ordained" or certified online to perform wedding ceremonies. It's a big thing. However, not every state recognizes all of these online organizations. Nephew got married on June 15th with his soon to be father in law performing the ceremony who had gone to some pay $25 to get a certificate stating you can perform weddings, places, and low and behold, when he went to file the marriage license, his "certification" was not recognized in MIchigan. They weren't legally married. After they got back from the honeymoon, they had to go pay for another marriage license, and run down to the magistrates office and pay another fee in order to be legal.

Dudism, Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, many Wiccan handfasting officiants, etc. aren't always legal in your state. As a matter of fact, currently I don't think the Flying Spaghetti thing is recognized in any state. It's a popular thing among college students who pursue secular based wedding ceremonies and they think it's fun to hear, "By the power vested in my by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" (because while they don't claim that you can perform wedding ceremonies, they do ordain people so some of these folks think they can automatically do it). Doesn't work that way. There is a lot of scam "officiant" online things like this. So make sure that whomever is signing that license as the officiant, is actually legally able to do so. Some short cuts, and cheapo options aren't so great.

[ktgrok]

2 minutes ago, Faith-manor said:

Also, an important thing to note. The current trend to avoid officiant fees is to have a friend become "ordained" or certified online to perform wedding ceremonies. It's a big thing. However, not every state recognizes all of these online organizations. Nephew got married on June 15th with his soon to be father in law performing the ceremony who had gone to some pay $25 to get a certificate stating you can perform weddings, places, and low and behold, when he went to file the marriage license, his "certification" was not recognized in MIchigan. They weren't legally married. After they got back from the honeymoon, they had to go pay for another marriage license, and run down to the magistrates office and pay another fee in order to be legal.

Dudism, Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, many Wiccan handfasting officiants, etc. aren't always legal in your state. As a matter of fact, currently I don't think the Flying Spaghetti thing is recognized in any state. It's a popular thing among college students who pursue secular based wedding ceremonies and they think it's fun to hear, "By the power vested in my by the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster" (because while they don't claim that you can perform wedding ceremonies, they do ordain people so some of these folks think they can automatically do it). Doesn't work that way. There is a lot of scam "officiant" online things like this. So make sure that whomever is signing that license as the officiant, is actually legally able to do so. Some short cuts, and cheapo options aren't so great.

My husband has officiated at three weddings, I think his "ordination" is via Universal Life Church?

[Frances]

8 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

Or, if willing to be less traditional, I've known people to have an outdoor cookout reception. You don't have to DIY the food, you can hire food trucks or a barbecue place to cater it. But catered pulled pork, sides, etc plus big tubs  of beer/soda/water can be a lot less expensive, plus have the nice drink dispensers with lemonade, maybe an adult signature drink or too (lemonade with bourbon, etc). Fun for everyone, dress is more casual, tons of fun. 

Honestly, talking to many people who have been married in the past decade, everyone agrees they enjoy a more casual party with lots of good food and beer than something fancy in a hotel ballroom. Guests will not judge you as a person for a more casual affair, as long as it is fun. 

One of my coworker’s child was married recently on the property of the bride’s parents. They had a company bring in their portable wood fired pizza oven to make pizza for the reception. It was a huge hit!

[ktgrok]

Just now, Frances said:

One of my coworker’s child was married recently on the property of the bride’s parents. They had a company bring in their portable wood fired pizza oven to make pizza for the reception. It was a huge hit!

And I bet WAY more memorable than the same old hotel reception!

[Carol in Cal.]

A few ideas:

Premade playlist rather than a DJ

Find a venue that has beauty of it's own and you won't need flowers for decoration.  Then you can use them just for bouquets and boutenneers (no idea how to spell that, sorry) which can literally save you thousands of dollars.  Beauty of its own could be a gorgeous natural spot or a fairly ornate old building.

Recycled wedding dress borrowed or bought used

Bridesmaids are given a color and asked to find dresses in that color.  They more or less self-coordinate and this can be very effective.

Those needing to wear tuxes buy them at the Nordstrom Rack.  This costs almost the same as renting, and they get to keep them.  Styles in tuxes don't change much so having a model that is a few years old will still be quite presentable down the road.  (Unless you insist on powder blue a la the Spinners, 1973, in which case I've got nothing)

Wedding and reception at the same location.

No meal at the reception.  Just refreshments--heavy appetizers or cake and punch.

 

[Lang Syne Boardie]

100-150 guests

1. semi-formal to formal attire

2. flowers

3. reception with tables with linens and preferably not paper/plastic dinnerware

3. a meal, a dessert

4. photography

5. music/dj, dancing

6. drinks

7. a little favor gift for each attendee. 

 

There is a teeny tiny trend growing in the Midwest, amongst young people who have good jobs and a middle class future, but who also currently have $30-100k in student loans: Change the "normal." Have a wedding within their means, whether that means a backyard BBQ, a chapel, a tea and cake reception, no booze, no party favors...keeping whatever traditions they like, OR going for totally non-traditional but fun...and only inviting the people they really want instead of flying in obligatory guests to host for a weekend.

I hope it catches on. I think just embracing reality of costs, and deciding what they really care about, is a better look (and more fun) than a stressed out, cheaper materials and DIY version of a rich folks' (or high debt) wedding style.

[gardenmom5]

do you belong to a church?  usually, at least ours, are free to use. (they usually have tables and chairs too.  sometimes linens.)

shop ebay for décor supplies.  many of the same items you'll find in  a craft shop, are a fraction of the price. allow plenty of lead time.

look at pinterest for décor ideas.  a simple bud in a simple vase with a bow - with pretty rocks from a beach to hold the stem in place, can work just fine as a centerpiece.  I saw one where they did goldfish bowls - with goldfish.

I took smaller amazon boxes (I was getting a lot…) and made  Xs out of them.   I spaced those on the buffet tables, on top of the table clothes.  I then purchased a bolt of satin fabric (for <$50 off ebay) and draped it over the boxes, and scrunched it up along the table.  it gave depth and texture to the buffet table - and was really cheap.  looked good too.   we got deli trays from the grocery store, rather than pay a caterer.  

friends from church ran the kitchen and refilling things.  I found drink dispensers at tjmaxx, for dirt cheap.  borrow platters...  I've lent stuff to others for theirs.  ask around of people you know.

[teachermom2834]

I have seen some venues here advertise lower rates for Sunday weddings. Also for less popular times of year.

I attended two weddings recently that were very nice. Both served beer in bottles and inexpensive wine (like Yellow Tail). It seemed like a way to have alcohol without an expensive open bar. It didn’t come off as cheap and the rest of the weddings were very elegant. 

 

[BusyMom5]

No one has mentioned food trucks or taco bar yet.  I've scene both done nicely.  Another wedding I helped with, the bride and her family made tiny pies and set them out on vintage plates instead of a wedding cake.  

[Pam in CT]

3 hours ago, Quill said:

I know we have talked about this before and I know it varies greatly by region, but I want to bring up my own thread about how to do this. Oh, and I know “normal” also varies drastically, but I mean a wedding with probably 100-150 guests, with the features that are usually involved in weddings where I live: semi-formal to formal attire, flowers, reception with tables with linens and preferably not paper/plastic dinnerware, a meal, a dessert, photography, music/dj, drinks, dancing and a little favor gift for each attendee. 

One thing I wonder: how does one begin to try to identify a location that isn’t expensive? ...

Re the bolded: that's a long list of normal.  I dunno that doing all that under $10K would be possible in my area, or what I understand about yours, unless you lean in pretty heavily to DIY on several of the items on that list.

Re the venue: Try out-of-the-box, not necessarily *fancy* locations like community centers, senior centers, historic houses, galleries... and then use a combination of caterer  for the basics and brought-in DIY to augment.  Any place that's big enough with a high ceiling can be made to look gracious if there's someone in the family with an eye.  We've been to beautiful weddings in a summer camp, a teen center, a converted factory building, even a recycling center.  It helps if they've done events before and have a good sense how to lay out tables and chairs, and even better if they *have* sufficient tables and chairs, but table-and-chair rental places can figure it out.

Re flowers and favors: Anyone with an eye, sufficient time, and Pinterest can work out nice DIY flowers and save a boatload of money.  My grandmother did ours. Sufficient time is critical.  Similarly little favor gifts, but... as several pp said, wedding favors mostly just get tossed. It's not IMO a place to allocate much budget. 

Re music: Around here, pretty much any true professional DJ will run $3K++ for a full evening.  That is a third of your total budget, and therefore where I would seek really to understand what the bride and groom actually WANT.  Because getting a conservatory harpist or pianist for 45 minutes before the reception and a couple of musicians playing live (classical or jazz or any other type of grown up music) will be less than a third of that; or getting the kids to put together a solid playlist of dance music will entail driving over a decent set of speakers.  That's where you have the most scope to truly move the mark and free up resources to put elsewhere.

ETA re drinks: Just serve non-alcoholic drinks, wine and maybe beer.  It's about the marriage, not open bar.  And again, if you do a venue separated from the food, you can buy your own and save a boatload.

Re caterer: Most true caterers (that organize to bring the food somewhere other than where they make it, and keep it hot with their own chafing dishes) will bring plates, and the difference between real vs nice quality plastic is usually pretty small. Getting an outside caterer also enables you to "split" the meal.  At my synagogue we almost always "split" the meal in this way, for example:

• We own tablecloths that fit our tables, which we set up before the caterer arrives;
• The caterer does the the main meal (for bigger fancier events we have them bring their real plates)
• We augment with big Costco-type salads and other bits; and the wine & non-alcoholic beverages
• We usually set up buffet style, with one or two long tables with the main course catered meal + augmented salads (with stacks of the caterer-provider plates), and another for Costco-style desserts, our own big old coffee urns (big old coffee urns cost ~$25 dollars, as do CHOCOLATE FOUNTAINS; both are very worthwhile investments for entertaining families), and nice quality Costco disposable plates & cups
• Cleanup therefore entails: the caterer takes away the chafing dishes and their real plates; and we scoop up all the dessert and coffee detritus and throw it out.  It's quite manageable.

re cake:

1 hour ago, Faith-manor said:

... Cakes are another thing that get very expensive. Some of the ones with all the sugar paste flowers and fondant can run $5.00 a slice with a minimum charge of $500.00. To be honest, unless you are affording the really high end bakeries, I've found they really don't taste very good either. So one option would be to go to your supermarket bakery, ask for three nesting tiers with plain buttercream icing and NO decorating, and then order some pretty flowers from the florist, and decorate yourself. If you want a border, you can easily buy 1.5" wide ribbon in some gorgeous pattern, and put it around the base of each cake. I did this for my parents 40th wedding anniversary. They wanted a big party with lots of friends so I order the three tiers, spent $19.00 on ebay for acrylic victorian/garden stands to display them on, ran ribbon around the bases, and put dyed daisies, baby's breath, and stock flowers around them. The florist for nominal fee, made a small cake topper of flowers and ribbon. The whole thing was stunning and cost less than $100.00 to feed 200 people. ....

This is genius and everybody should definitely do this and I am extremely grateful that this thread occurred before my own kids' weddings.

Edited July 27, 2019 by Pam in CT

[Pam in CT]

39 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

One idea I think is still fancy but lower cost would be to have a dessert reception rather than a full meal. So have a late wedding and then dessert/coffee/wine. I've seen lovely dessert buffets, that have candy bars, etc. Very classy if you want it to be, everyone can dress up as it is evening, but you can buy candy, cookies, brownies, cheese cake slices, etc etc at Costco or wherever. 

 

One of the most elegant weddings I ever attended was right out of college, at the bride & groom's then-modest-means expense, both ceremony & reception held in a K of C hall at 2 in the afternoon, with a High Tea reception.  One harp, one flutist, strawberries and cake, her sister did the chuppah (bridal canopy) and flowers. It was BEAUTIFUL.

Not "normal" to Jewish norms, which ordinarily require groaning tables of food and loud lively music.  But it was just lovely and they're still happily together so it evidently got the job done.

[Storygirl]

I think it will be difficult to keep the costs down, if you are wedded (pun intended) to having a sit down dinner with alcohol, professional photography, and professional music. To save costs, you will need to consider doing some things differently.

Our wedding was 21 years ago, and we spent about $5000, not counting the honeymoon (which was also inexpensive, due to using a friend's timeshare). Costs would be different today, but what we paid back then was a lot lower than average. I'll list some of the things we did that saved money.

1) Attire -- I paid a reasonable amount for my dress, from a regular bridal salon; I didn't even look at really expensive options. DH's cousin saved even more by renting her dress. My best friend made my veil for me, so all I paid for was the tulle, some thread, and a beaded comb, and she put it together; this alone saved me $100-200, because headpieces are outrageously expensive. I wore white pumps that I already owned, so I didn't buy shoes. I did my own make up (I did have my hairstylist do my hair). My bridesmaids wore $60 dressed from a department store that they bought themselves, after I had them each try them on and found out that they would fit them.

2) Flowers -- the bouquet was important to me, so we spent more here, but the florist was a friend of DH's family who did flowers out of her home, not a shop. We placed the bouquets on the head table while we ate, so they doubled as the head-table centerpieces. For the guest tables, we rented fishbowl type glass ware and put votive candles inside. The florist gave us a box of greenery  -- cheap -- that we circled around the outside of the bowls.

3) Venue and food -- We had our reception in the church's fellowship hall. We paid a set amount to use their tablecloths, and they set up the tables for us and did the general cleaning of the area afterward (the people doing the food cleaned up their things). A friend of DH's family catered a nice sit-down meal for us and just charged us the cost of food. This caterer brought her own crew of helpers from her own Sunday school class that helped with and served the food for free. We didn't even know these people -- it was a great blessing that came about from family connections. We had no alcohol and no dancing, due to church rules, but that was fine for us, as I don't drink, and DH doesn't like to dance. It suited us.

4) Music -- At the reception, we just played taped music, so no charge for a DJ. Music for the ceremony was important to us, so we hired a brass quintet to play before the ceremony and while I walked down the aisle. This cost about $500, because they not professional musicians but people who did gigs on the side. It was elegant but inexpensive. I don't remember where we found them. But you might check at music colleges to see if students there do performances. DH's sister and uncle, who have lovely voices, sang during the wedding, so we didn't have to pay them anything.

5) Photography -- I wanted professional photos, so we hired that out, but we chose someone who was on the less expensive side, after pricing out several options. We did have a videographer. But we told him we did not want his usual three camera set up and just wanted one camera, which reduced the price significantly. We turned down any extra fancy options for these things and picked basic choices, which were still very nice.

So, we used the church facilities, family connections to find inexpensive options (but we did not DIY, except we made hand-stamped bookmarks for the favors. And we arranged the table centerpieces easily ourselves, with the help of friends and family on the day before, which was a few hours of work before the rehearsal dinner.) We did not hire a wedding planner or serve alcohol or pay for music at the reception or pay rent for a venue, other than what the church charged us. Those things all saved us a ton of money.

Edited July 27, 2019 by Storygirl

[Storygirl]

I really think you are not going to be able to get the cost under $10,000, unless you change your list of expectations. Or unless you DIY a lot of it, or have connections where people will do you favors to reduce the price.

Matching the expectations of others and what others in your social circle have done comes at a price. I realize that not upholding to the expectations of others has a different cost, measured in ways that are not financial. I think you have to determine your priorities and stick with them, no matter what others are going to think.

 

 

Edited July 27, 2019 by Storygirl

[Garga]

1.  You are under an hour’s drive from my house.   I don’t know what venues there are around here, but I do know that most things are cheaper in my area than in yours. You know the name of the tourist town near me—google for venues in this area and see if you can find one cheaper than down your way.    An hour or so drive is doable for guests and you might be able to save a lot of money.  Not sure that it would save you money...just a guess.  But things are usually a lot cheaper in this area, so it might be worth looking into.

2.  Do the engagement photos yourself.  You are good enough that you can make them look professional and save your photography money for the event itself.  If you want a recommendation for an excellent wedding photographer, I know one.  She did a photo shoot for a magazine in the tourist town and her work will be in an upcoming issue of Dream Wedding magazine.  I’ll pm you her website.  She charges between $2200 and $3700. The higher prices include engagement pix, so if you do those for yourself, you can pay the smaller amount.  (Or you can look for a cheaper photographer—I just happen to know this one and her work is very good.)

3.  Would your daughter be able to get a dress online?  Or is she super picky?  Or wants that “Yes to the dress” moment in a store surrounded by friends/family?  I know my body well enough to know exactly what’ll look good on me, so I could buy one online and be pretty confident that it would look good, but not everyone would be comfortable/able to do that.  Here’s a link to an online wedding dress shop.  When I look at reviews for each dress, they almost all get very high reviews.  https://www.jjshouse.com/Cheap-Wedding-Dresses-c2/

4.  I’d get a tiny and simply decorated (but still beautiful) show-cake for the cake cutting tradition.  But then I’d feed everyone from a sheet cake that is kept hidden in the back. I would not buy a huge and decorated cake to feed everyone.  The guests would see the small (two-tier) pretty cake for the pictures/tradition, and then would eat a regular ol’ cake without any decorations on it.  It could still have a fancy flavor and taste good, but you wouldn’t be paying lots of money to decorate a huge wedding cake and the guests would never really know (or care.)

5.  No favors.  I find those really annoying and don’t want them.  I toss them as soon as I get home, or “forget” to bring them home in the first place.

Edited July 27, 2019 by Garga

[ktgrok]

Not "normal" but I'll throw out there that DH and I had a private wedding, just him and I, overseas and it was amazing. Cost about 6K, including staying for the honeymoon, airfare, etc. (this was 10 years ago). We were married in a tiny chapel lit by candles by an Episcopal priest, had a photographer and videographer, and spent our wedding night in a castle. Very memorable. For various reasons we didn't include family, but someone could do it plus immediate family only for pretty reasonable if planned far enough in advance. 

[Garga]

You don’t have to buy the bridesmaid’s dresses, so this doesn’t really save you money, but if I were doing a wedding, I’d use eShakti.com for the bridal party dresses.  This website will get your measurements and custom make a dress for you.  They make casual, work, and fancy-dress dresses.  

The nice thing about it, though, is that you can customize the dress beyond just size.  If one person in the wedding party likes dresses sleeveless, then just her dress can be sleeveless.  If another person likes long sleeves, then her dress can have long sleeves.  If one person likes a v-neck, then her dress can have a v-neck.  If the other one likes a rounded neck, she can get a rounded neck.  Each dress will have the same material and be basically the same dress, but with tiny customizations.  It’s a great idea for bridesmaids who may all have different bodies and might look better in different dresses.  https://www.eshakti.com/SearchProductList.aspx?q=Wedding

Look at this one that has 18 necklines, 5 sleeve lengths, and 9 lengths to choose from (and 5 colors).  https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Bow-tie-front-dupioni-dress-CL0066530

It can make for happy bridesmaids and also looks nice to have slight variation for each dress.  The dresses are usually under $100.

Edited July 27, 2019 by Garga

[Garga]

1 minute ago, happysmileylady said:

This is not a bad suggestion however many cake people won't allow another cake at the reception.  My sister would refund all deposits and cancel and order if she found out someone was doing this.  Many other cake vendors in that area had similar policies.  

The reason is that if something goes wrong with the other cake, that's her name on the line.  Her business was all very word of mouth (and many wedding vendor businesses are) and if someone hears that the cake at XYZ's wedding was just awful, or there was a hair in so and so's piece.....unless the bride specifically tells everyone "oh no, your cake was from walmart" then every person that guest tells presumes that the awful cake is by the same vendor as the cute pretty cake for cutting.   It's not about money in that she took as much care in small cake as in a large one.  It's more about overall reputation.  

Having said that, she was also perfectly willing to provide that sort of option.  A small pretty cake, and then a basic white frosted sheet cake from the same baker still costs much less than a larger fully decorated option.  

 

(and of course, after she delivered a cake, she's of course not checking up on whether or not anyone had a sheet cake dropped off afterword or anything.  It's not like she was driving back in secret or anything lol)

Good to know!  I was picturing a simple cake from the same baker, but I can see where it would be a problem if the extra cake was from somewhere else and tasted bad and how that would be a big problem for the fancy cake maker.  

[Storygirl]

About doing a small cake, plus a sheet cake. I would never have thought to order a wedding cake from a grocery store, but our Giant Eagle store had beautiful, small two-tiered graduation cakes on display this spring. Giant Eagle makes a very good cake; the almond flavored one is amazing. Without the graduation details, one of those could be a beautiful wedding cake.

DD17 graduates next year, and I think I may get one of those cakes to be the centerpiece of the dessert table. We will wait until toward the end of the party to cut into it, so that it stays beautiful, and will offer cupcakes and perhaps some other sweets for the guests who come earlier (not a sheet cake in this instance, as I don't want to have to spend my afternoon cutting it up).

Look at your local grocery stores to see what they have to offer, and you may be surprised. A grocery store will not have a contract, so you would avoid that issue.

[Guest]

Man, the Hive is truly the most amazing resource in the history of mankind! Thank you, everyone, for all the ideas and suggestion. I haven’t got to read them all yet; I was out shopping and came back to 25+ replies, lol! 

Here are some random thoughts:

One thing *I* am very particular about is photography. I’m a pretty serious amateur photographer and haven’t paid for photography in twenty years. I have been mulling over what I would want to do for dd’s wedding in this respect. It may be some sort of combo in which I do a bunch of photos of bride, groom and both together, and then also hire someone for photographing the wedding, reception and other photos, such as parents of the bride; obviously, it is hard to do those oneself. (Though not impossible! As our Christmas family portraits have proven every year!) 

I think it’s fine to literally just have a music playlist and someone who can manage it (push play; push stop, etc.) but my experience of other weddings always had someone who announces the couple, provides a mic for toasts or speeches, mic if someone prays before the meal, and if there is someone directing activities, like, “Everyone get a sparkler and come outside to see the couple off!” Etc. I don’t know how you do those things unless you have a DJ. 

Food: IMO, it has to be a meal. It can be buffet - I prefer that, in fact - but my experiences tell me having light fare or dessert only is not advisable in this region. People (around here) don’t really seem to understand that and the food runs out. I have seen this happen three times (only one was a wedding; two were parties); I could tell from a) the time of day and b) the tiny plates that it was meant to be light fare, but people didn’t eat modestly. They piled up the tiny plates and went back repeatedly, which caused the food to run out. To me, that is just about the most dreadful outcome I can think of. I don’t want anyone to be hungry. 

Venue: I think it’s most likely dd wants wedding and reception at one place. Outdoor is lovely, but around here, there 100% must be a Plan B. The weather is a total crapshoot. One of my nieces got married in July and had a beautiful “barn” style wedding, but the ceremony was moved indoors because of hurricane rains. Another niece got married in April, which should have been fine for weather, but it was a major cold snap and her “barn” style venue was absolutely freezing. I wore my coat through nearly the entire event and my toes were frozen popsicles at the end. 😂 So far, dd, (who is not yet engaged, BTW, but it’s probably on the near horizon) liked a June wedding, or fall. June actually does have a good chance of being good weather, though it could still rain. 

[marbel]

7 minutes ago, happysmileylady said:

This is not a bad suggestion however many cake people won't allow another cake at the reception.  My sister would refund all deposits and cancel and order if she found out someone was doing this.  Many other cake vendors in that area had similar policies.  

The reason is that if something goes wrong with the other cake, that's her name on the line.  Her business was all very word of mouth (and many wedding vendor businesses are) and if someone hears that the cake at XYZ's wedding was just awful, or there was a hair in so and so's piece.....unless the bride specifically tells everyone "oh no, your cake was from walmart" then every person that guest tells presumes that the awful cake is by the same vendor as the cute pretty cake for cutting.   It's not about money in that she took as much care in small cake as in a large one.  It's more about overall reputation.  

This makes sense to me.

But also, I don't see how people could not know that the cake they were being served was not the cake that was cut. You see a small cake being cut, then out of the kitchen comes lots of pieces of cake... obviously  a different cake.   I think people would still assume it was from the same baker as the ceremonial cake, but they would know it was a different cake.

I've been to several weddings that had a ceremonial cake to cut, and the bride and groom ate that, and guests were served something completely different.  Like, cookies. Or other things. There was no hiding it, it was just like, yes, we're doing the cake-cutting thing but here are the desserts we are offering you.  No hiding anything, very straightforward and gracious.

[Moonhawk]

The best way to keep costs down is to not know too much about weddings, lol. I was clueless and so didn't do many things that may have been considered "necessary" even though in the end they didn't make a jot of difference.

The main thing we did to we keep it down was renting a restaurant during the summer months (in Tucson, so the slower months). We were able to rent the main dining room of a high end restaurant: we didn't have to pay for tablecloths or centerpieces, since they are a regular part of the restaurant, and same with the china. The reception was a little more than half of our entire cost: We paid $29/plate with 4 options for 80 people; it'd probably be much more now, but if you are having 100 people, even $50/plate comes to $5000. (In contrast, some of the more popular wedding venues were $8K for the hall, then you'd need catering, tableclothes, decorations, etc. The average reception hall rental I priced was probably $4k). 

We didn't really have alcohol, which looking back on it we should have had something (we just did champagne for toasts). They did have the option to order for themselves at the bar in the restaurant. At the time, since I was 20 and my mom who was helping me never drinks, it didn't seem like a big deal because in our family culture drinking isn't on the radar. I do remember one guest semi-complaining (which is why I even think about it now), but looking back this guy wanted the best of the best they had to offer for free, and so I guess he wouldn't have been pleased anyway. Knowing what I know now, I probably would have kept it to what we did or a case of house wine. 

For the cake, you can get a small wedding cake, then a sheet cake to make enough pieces (we got one from Costco, it used to be $16 for a full sheet. It can be put in a backroom so no one ever sees it). I didn't even know groom cakes were a thing until we went to a wedding a couple years later. 

Our wedding party was basically a maid of honor and best man. I told my moh she could pick her own dress in preferably the wedding colors but I wasn't picky. Best man could supply his own tux and then we just got a handkerchief that matched the moh's dress. 

DJ was my husband's equipment and one of his brothers at the computer; we had already made up the lists so that all he had to do was push the button and stop as necessary. We didn't really have an MC, but the restaurant manager was very kind and did announcements for us every so often. Again, I think he saw the cluelessness, lol. Another friend had just hooked up an iPod to the reception hall speakers and had one of her sisters stop/start the music on preplanned playlists.

Favors can be small.

Flowers: we just did the main bouquets and then a couple nice arrangements for the altar area. We didn't do anything for the pews (again, clueless), and I didn't need anything for reception. It still came out to an enormous $500, but part of that was because my MIL insisted on using a particular place.

My dress was expensive and it killed me, but yeah I got the dress anyway. If we had more time to plan I would have tried to go to trunk sales and try to find a deal. 

 

[Storygirl]

Just now, Quill said:

I think it’s fine to literally just have a music playlist and someone who can manage it (push play; push stop, etc.) but my experience of other weddings always had someone who announces the couple, provides a mic for toasts or speeches, mic if someone prays before the meal, and if there is someone directing activities, like, “Everyone get a sparkler and come outside to see the couple off!” Etc. I don’t know how you do those things unless you have a DJ. 

 

We just asked a friend of ours to do those announcements, and he was happy to be a part of our wedding in that way. He also did a reading during the ceremony and was invited to the rehearsal dinner. He also did a few other things to be helpful on the day of the wedding as needed -- he vacuumed the aisle after the florist left bits of greenery behind, and he delivered some messages between DH and me before the ceremony, since DH and I were in different rooms (this was pre cell phones).

He was happy to be an all-purpose helper. I performed that function at one of my friend's weddings, as well. A hired wedding planner would do these behind the scenes things, I am sure, but we just had friends who were there, willing to step in and do the necessary, as unanticipated things cropped up on the day of the wedding.

[marbel]

9 minutes ago, Quill said:

 

I think it’s fine to literally just have a music playlist and someone who can manage it (push play; push stop, etc.) but my experience of other weddings always had someone who announces the couple, provides a mic for toasts or speeches, mic if someone prays before the meal, and if there is someone directing activities, like, “Everyone get a sparkler and come outside to see the couple off!” Etc. I don’t know how you do those things unless you have a DJ. 

A relative who doesn't have another task related to the wedding, the best man or another groomsman, close friend of either bride or groom... doesn't have to be a person who is paid to do those things. 

[Guest]

21 minutes ago, Garga said:

You don’t have to buy the bridesmaid’s dresses, so this doesn’t really save you money, but if I were doing a wedding, I’d use eShakti.com for the bridal party dresses.  This website will get your measurements and custom make a dress for you.  They make casual, work, and fancy-dress dresses.  

The nice thing about it, though, is that you can customize the dress beyond just size.  If one person in the wedding party likes dresses sleeveless, then just her dress can be sleeveless.  If another person likes long sleeves, then her dress can have long sleeves.  If one person likes a v-neck, then her dress can have a v-neck.  If the other one likes a rounded neck, she can get a rounded neck.  Each dress will have the same material and be basically the same dress, but with tiny customizations.  It’s a great idea for bridesmaids who may all have different bodies and might look better in different dresses.  https://www.eshakti.com/SearchProductList.aspx?q=Wedding

Look at this one that has 18 necklines, 5 sleeve lengths, and 9 lengths to choose from (and 5 colors).  https://www.eshakti.com/shop/Dresses/Bow-tie-front-dupioni-dress-CL0066530

It can make for happy bridesmaids and also looks nice to have slight variation for each dress.  The dresses are usually under $100.

I love this. 

I know my dd has mentioned before that she does not want her attendants to have to buy some fancy gown they’ll never wear again. She likes the idea of having them wear whatever dress they like in the color she picks. 

One of my nieces had dresses the attendants chose necklines and sleeve types. I thought that was so gracious. The large-topped young lady didn’t have to wear some revealing v-plunge that was fine on the very streamlined other bridesmaid. Or whatever. Everyone got a dress that helped them feel confident and comfortable. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Re. ordering the wedding dress online--when I tried on wedding dresses, which admittedly was a Very Long Time Ago, some of them were unbearably scratchy.  I don't see how that can be prevented/avoided with those 'order direct from China and save!' sites.

[Carol in Cal.]

Re outdoor weddings, a dear friend got married in New Jersey in her parents' church, and then the reception was outside.

They rented a huge white ballroom sized tent, and just put the roof of it up, like a big canopy.  This kept the sun and the drizzle off the guests.  I believe that they were ready to put in 'walls' if the weather got too windy to keep rain out any other way.  It was absolutely lovely.

 

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

Re outdoor weddings, a dear friend got married in New Jersey in her parents' church, and then the reception was outside.

They rented a huge white ballroom sized tent, and just put the roof of it up, like a big canopy.  This kept the sun and the drizzle off the guests.  I believe that they were ready to put in 'walls' if the weather got too windy to keep rain out any other way.  It was absolutely lovely.

 

Yes, I like the tent thing quite a lot. Someone did tell me, though, that tent rentals are not as much of a discount as you might think, though. It’s not greatly cheaper than a building, I am told. 

[ktgrok]

I can see how a "tea" could end up with people eating too many sandwiches, but I think a dessert buffett could work out. You can get a LOT of desserts for less than the cost of a buffet meal, for sure, and whatever isn't eaten can be sent home in small take out boxes for those that wish, rather than favors. Have monogrammed stickers for the boxes, and voila, personalize favors. 

[catz]

I agree that 10K for that list of "normal" is going to be a stretch in many parts of the country.  You have some good suggestions, though I haven't read every reply so sorry for any repeats!  A couple things I've seen done lately ...

1. Using farmer's market flower bouquets.  Just assign someone to head to the farmer's market that day and get bouquets of whatever looks nice.  Have ribbons to wrap bouquets.  I've seen mason jars used for centerpieces at more rustic weddings.
2. Outdoor park venue with a pavillion/tent back up on low risk weather days. 
3. Some churches are open to non-members using their space.  That's how we found our church actually.  We originally just rented it for a wedding and it was much more reasonable than most venues we looked at.  This was a UU church, but I think some more welcoming denominations are open to this.  
4. No open bar.  Maybe a single champagne toast and a bottle of wine at each table for dinner.  
5. Finger food/dessert mingle reception was nice.  
6. Less experienced photographers (check colleges/art programs) may give you a deal to help build a wedding portfolio.
7. Tech music saavy couples build their own playlist/rent a sound system.  Outgoing wedding party (or family) member assigned for announcements. 
8. We did a Friday wedding on a holiday weekend and it was significantly cheaper than many dates.

I just picked a color and had bridesmaid pick their own dress/shoes or wear what they had.  I just did black.  It was an evening, early winter wedding so that worked well.  

Edited July 27, 2019 by FuzzyCatz

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Ktgrok said:

I can see how a "tea" could end up with people eating too many sandwiches, but I think a dessert buffett could work out. You can get a LOT of desserts for less than the cost of a buffet meal, for sure, and whatever isn't eaten can be sent home in small take out boxes for those that wish, rather than favors. Have monogrammed stickers for the boxes, and voila, personalize favors. 

I feel like this wouldn’t work when people are coming from a bit of a drive away. There’s not enough time. So, like, say the wedding starts at 7:00 pm, in order to make it like, “we’re not feeding y’all dinner!” Then, people who have an hour’s drive have to have eaten before 6? And people in the wedding party itself would need to be done eating before then, even. 

I don’t mean to sound antagonistic; I know you’re only trying to help. 

[EmseB]

I had more thoughts on this thread because I realized after I commented that the part of the reason we were able to keep costs low was because of the weekday wedding but also because we had fewer people (about 60 attended). This left us room in the budget to have a nice dinner and a DJ. I was really skeptical about hiring the DJ for as few people as we were having, and part of it depends on the crowd, but having someone experienced with emcee'ing and introducing people and playing songs we wanted for each part of the reception was really, really great. A good DJ can make a great party, and I have seen less stellar results from someone letting their brother bring a laptop and stream all the songs to save money. I don't look down my nose at that sort of thing, but it does make a difference in the atmosphere I think. I wouldn't mind letting a friend or family member do it, but I'd run through a checklist with them beforehand of songs they'll need to have, events they need to announce, etc.

In your shoes, I would not try to do any of the photography myself. It is so much pressure and as MOB there is just a lot going on without giving yourself that job. I wouldn't even have a friend or family member do it for us. If the pictures don't turn out it's bad. Everyone feels horrible. If you have a relationship with the person it's even worse. I would keep the photographer a totally professional relationship with no potential for hurt family or friend feelings. That doesn't mean I'd hire the guy who charges $5000 for 8 hours, but I'd just make sure the person was outside the family/friends circle.

[ktgrok]

11 minutes ago, Quill said:

I feel like this wouldn’t work when people are coming from a bit of a drive away. There’s not enough time. So, like, say the wedding starts at 7:00 pm, in order to make it like, “we’re not feeding y’all dinner!” Then, people who have an hour’s drive have to have eaten before 6? And people in the wedding party itself would need to be done eating before then, even. 

I don’t mean to sound antagonistic; I know you’re only trying to help. 

No, that makes sense, although for me eating before six isn't that odd. I do firmly believe any reception that is not a full meal should explicitly state so on the invitation. So "join us for cocktails and light hors d'oeuvres" or "punch and cake reception" or "a dancing and dessert buffett to follow". That way there is no confusion. Too often I arrive at parties having fed my family to find out that they are serving a meal -despite it being a 2-4pm party! Or vice versa, which is even worse. 

So I personally think it totally fine to have a 7pm wedding with a "dancing and dessert reception" following, and people will eat at 5pm. But, I know norms vary. Also, if you have lots of small children you expect to attend then a wedding that late would be very difficult for them. 

 

[Pam in CT]

re photography

12 minutes ago, EmseB said:

,,,In your shoes, I would not try to do any of the photography myself. It is so much pressure and as MOB there is just a lot going on without giving yourself that job. I wouldn't even have a friend or family member do it for us. If the pictures don't turn out it's bad. Everyone feels horrible. If you have a relationship with the person it's even worse. I would keep the photographer a totally professional relationship with no potential for hurt family or friend feelings. That doesn't mean I'd hire the guy who charges $5000 for 8 hours, but I'd just make sure the person was outside the family/friends circle.

Seconding this.  My sister-in-law is a professional photographer, and often *does* pitch in to cover smaller family functions like Big Birthdays and such... but not a wedding.  You'll want to be present.

[catz]

17 minutes ago, Quill said:

I feel like this wouldn’t work when people are coming from a bit of a drive away. There’s not enough time. So, like, say the wedding starts at 7:00 pm, in order to make it like, “we’re not feeding y’all dinner!” Then, people who have an hour’s drive have to have eaten before 6? And people in the wedding party itself would need to be done eating before then, even. 

I don’t mean to sound antagonistic; I know you’re only trying to help. 

I think some people do make this choice though.  And then further flung families either decline, or make a restaurant stop part of the journey, or get a hotel as a base for a night or 2.  I honestly think when you plan a wedding, someone will be less than thrilled with some aspects and oh well.   I think you could do 6 course sit down meal and someone would still find something offensive about  that.

I think it's fair to say you want a real meal to be part of the wedding reception and that's a priority. In some families, that's just a norm.  It would have been difficult for us not to have a meal at all.  It may require you to give on some other areas and/or finding something a bit out of the box.  

[Carol in Cal.]

23 minutes ago, Quill said:

I feel like this wouldn’t work when people are coming from a bit of a drive away. There’s not enough time. So, like, say the wedding starts at 7:00 pm, in order to make it like, “we’re not feeding y’all dinner!” Then, people who have an hour’s drive have to have eaten before 6? And people in the wedding party itself would need to be done eating before then, even. 

I don’t mean to sound antagonistic; I know you’re only trying to help. 

If you don't want to serve a meal, you really have to be clear that the times don't include it.  That means maybe the wedding at 1:30 and the reception from 2:30 to 5.

[G5052]

Some of my college kids' friends are starting to get married, and the low-budget ones seem to get married at someone's house or at a church followed by a dessert buffet or appetizers or a potluck. A friend of mine remarried a few years ago and asked friends and her church to help with a country picnic with everyone bringing some type of coordinated food. They got married in a park and rented a pavilion. And several got married Sunday afternoon or during the week for better rates on food and photography.

I agree that you want to hire someone who knows how to take pictures, but it doesn't have to be someone with a studio, etc. to come out well.

One of my college kids has informed me that if and when she gets married, they will go to the courthouse and then have a nice dinner for a few friends and family. She doesn't want to be the focus of a ceremony, but wants a party afterwards. Frankly, I think that's great if it makes her happy.