When you HATE a book a friend raved about on FB

[Ginevra]

More Quill-is-socially-inept questions. I almost commented back to the original thread where friend raved about this (idiotic, dreadful, disgraceful, dungheap of a) book. I thought about how to phrase it. I typed, deleted, typed, deleted...then just decided to say nothing. But part of me does want to add a counter-point to her rave in the hopes that more people don’t buy this absolute sack of nonsense book. 

I also thought about going obliquely, by putting on my own FB wall something like, “Don’t be fooled by Amazon five-star reviews when the author is a social media guru! Read the one-stars before you buy!” There is a good chance my friend will never connect this to the book she raved about, but someone is bound to ask what dreadful book I’m referring to and then friend will probably feel bad about recommending it.

Edited August 30, 2018 by Quill
Woed choice

[marbel]

Quill, don't vaguebook!  Either say it, or don't.

I probably wouldn't bother.  Or, maybe I would comment on her thread and say something mild like "eh, this didn't work for me" or similar.

There was a book several years ago that was all the rage in Christian women's circles. I read it, and hated it. A very good friend of mine then gave me a copy as a gift. Hoo boy. This was pre-facebook, or maybe just pre-facebook for me, so social media didn't come into it, but I just thanked her and put it on the shelf for a while, then disappeared it. 

Edited August 30, 2018 by marbel

[HomeAgain]

I struggle with that every day.  There are products people rave about on here that I find to be immoral and unethical, or the companies behind them.  I just have to stop and breathe and wonder what good it will do if I share that perspective, or if it makes them double down because they've already wasted the money on multiple years.  So I don't.  I figure anyone can look at something objectively and maybe my visceral reaction to the products are things that other people look at differently and find them acceptable.

[regentrude]

I personally do not feel that commenting on the friend's page " this book is meaningless drivel" (in more polite ways) is appropriate,  since this is her space. I would have no problems commenting in a group or public forum. 

I don't think oblique general remarks are effective. People either research the book before they buy it, or they don't; your telling them they should won't change anything. 

In cases like this, I hold my tongue, unless someone specifically asks me my opinion; then I  am honest.

Edited August 30, 2018 by regentrude

[MysteryJen]

This used to happen to me all the time. Don't say anything. Don't be me... keep your friends.... 

I just smile and nod now during book discussions. Electronically or in person, smile and nod.

[marbel]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

I personally do not feel that commenting on the friend's page " this book is meaningless drivel" (in more polite ways) is appropriate,  since this is her space. I would have no problems commenting in a group or public forum. 

I don't think oblique general remarks are effective. People either research the book before they buy it, or they don't; your telling them they should won't change anything. 

In cases like this, I hold my tongue, unless someone specifically asks me my opinion; then I  am honest.

I agree with you in general, but it also depends on the friend.

One fb friend of mine likes a completely different type of book than I do. If by some chance we read the same book, and she posts about it and I disagree with her assessment, I just keep quiet.

Another friend loves a good discussion and welcomes opposing points of view on the books she posts about. She would be happy to have a person write a scathing review of a book she recommended.  As long as the review was well-written.  :-)  

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, marbel said:

Quill, don't vaguebook!  Either say it, or don't.

I probably wouldn't bother.  Or, maybe I would comment on her thread and say something mild like "eh, this didn't work for me" or similar.

There was a book several years ago that was all the rage in Christian women's circles. I read it, and hated it. A very good friend of mine then gave me a copy as a gift. Hoo boy. This was pre-facebook, or maybe just pre-facebook for me, so social media didn't come into it, but I just thanked her and put it on the shelf for a while, then disappeared it. 

Yeah. You’re right. I’m just mad I read it; mad at myself for buying it impulsively after a friend recommended it and mad that I didn’t judge it more carefully. 

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, marbel said:

I agree with you in general, but it also depends on the friend.

One fb friend of mine likes a completely different type of book than I do. If by some chance we read the same book, and she posts about it and I disagree with her assessment, I just keep quiet.

Another friend loves a good discussion and welcomes opposing points of view on the books she posts about. She would be happy to have a person write a scathing review of a book she recommended.  As long as the review was well-written.  ?

I think some of the difference for me is that this book is non-fiction and is sort of in the self-help genre, ostensibly for Christian women (though the falseness of that POV is part of what I hated about it). Were it fiction, I feel like I could pro-con discuss it better. (I am in a book club, after all, and we do this all the time.) But to go back and add my opinion on a self-help book rec? It feels like a criticism of the person. 

[Penguin]

Is she also your Goodreads friend? If so, she will know from your review exactly how you felt about that book lol. 

I would only address it if she asked me about it, and even then I would deflect as much as possible. 

[catz]

That is hard.  I would be tempted to say a little something like "I know this book is getting rave reviews, but it just didn't speak to me at all"  I do think it is harder as non-fiction.  I totally get that.  I've read books like that I think sound like insincere pandering drivel that other people love.   It would depend on my relationship with the person, there's a good chance I'd hide the post and try to ignore too.

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, Penguin said:

Is she also your Goodreads friend? If so, she will know from your review exactly how you felt about that book lol. 

I would only address it if she asked me about it, and even then I would deflect as much as possible. 

No, she isn’t my GRs friend, lol. She is more of an acquaintence-friend on FB. 

[Janie Grace]

I definitely would NOT comment unless she had specifically asked others to weigh in with their opinions on said book.

Also, please don't use the word "retarded." It's considered really hurtful and offensive these days.

[scholastica]

Come on, Quill, do dish. What was the book? I find it better to not comment, FWIW. I just smile and nod a lot. I will say I only believe IRL people who I know really well. That goes both ways. There are some IRL people from whom I will never take a book rec. and others I can usually trust. If I don't know someone really well, they go in the nope basket.

[Guest]

20 minutes ago, Janie Grace said:

I definitely would NOT comment unless she had specifically asked others to weigh in with their opinions on said book.

Also, please don't use the word "retarded." It's considered really hurtful and offensive these days.

I thought about that, but I did not think saying I am “socially retarded” would be taken in the same vein. It’s an accurate descriptor, like saying a fabric is a “flame retardant.” But if I am wrong about that, I will happily edit and use a different word. 

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, scholastica said:

Come on, Quill, do dish. What was the book? I find it better to not comment, FWIW. I just smile and nod a lot. I will say I only believe IRL people who I know really well. That goes both ways. There are some IRL people from whom I will never take a book rec. and others I can usually trust. If I don't know someone really well, they go in the nope basket.

Read the Book A Week thread and you will know. 

[forty-two]

I don't usually comment unless:
a) I think the book is wrong in ways that could hurt an unwary reader, and
b) I can think of a way to approach it that has a fighting chance of not causing offence. 
Basically, I speak up when I'm reasonably sure that the harm the book poses is greater than the harm likely to be caused by me speaking up.

I'm a pastor's wife, and I used to speak up whenever I thought a book was wrong.  And then I moderated it to whenever I thought a book was wrong in ways likely to cause harm.  And then I learned the importance of tact and arrived at my current position, of also needing to find a tactful-enough approach.  Which means that sometimes I'm holding my tongue when someone says in Bible study, "I think that <heretical thing> is awesome.  And I'm quite sure <sidelong glance my way> that it is compatible with our theology."  (Where's the banging head emoji when you need it?)  Because as awful as the thing is, I can do damage by too-blunt a rebuttal, too.  (This actually happened, in just about those words, and it *hurt* to bite my tongue, I tell you.  But in the moment, I couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't a direct (albeit deserved) challenge to the person's theological judgment, plus that person wasn't the only one singing its praises.)

My usual trying-to-be-tactful approach involves figuring out what the person likes about the book that I can agree is worthy of liking.  At the very least, the book might be targeted to a real need or interest of theirs, even if the book's answers are horrible.  I try to find some kind of common ground, something worthy in the person's liking of the book, even if the book itself doesn't deserve it.  And then using that bit of positive common ground, which hopefully shows that I understand why a good, intelligent person could like this book (thus trying to blunt any sense of "you are a bad/ignorant/something-negative person for recommending this book"), I then move into where I think the book goes wrong.  And/or say that I think <this other book> comes at the common ground topic from a better angle.

Sometimes I can't think of any way to establish common ground, so I either set it aside or mull it over in my head until something comes, or (if it's really important), do rough draft after rough draft until I hit on something.

[Chris in VA]

I just...pray for the person who read the yucky book. 

 

hahahhahah

 

No, really--I've learned to bite my tongue an awful lot more. I don't like it. I want to be right, and I want to be heard. It's hard. Part of my personal growth is to let some of the sharing of my opinion stuff go. I do wish for relationships that are strong enough to bear the truth of people--you know, to bear hearing someone disagree vehemently and discuss opposing views without knicker-knotting and thinking it means I think someone is unworthy and intrinsically stupid for having an opposite opinion. 

[SKL]

Usually I would not comment.  Lord help me if I said what I really thought about all the MLM posts etc. of my friends.  ?

Under some circumstances, where I'm close enough to the person and know his sense of humor, I might have said, "I read that book too - I'll just say it isn't for everyone, LOL."  Of course that could set off a conversation online that you'd rather not have publicly.  So better to just cringe privately and scroll on.

[Guest]

Here’s my compromise: I posted, on my wall, What is THE BEST book you have read this year and also a short summary of why you loved it. It is possible the friend will say the hated book and might give some insight, no matter how hard for me to see, what she loved. Or she might not comment at all. Or lots of friends will give interesting options I never knew about. 

Even if the “worst” scenario happened and friend said she loved this book and she says, “Have you read it yet???” I can still just say, “Yeah...sadly, it was not my cup of tea. My favorite book this year was blah blah blah because blah blah blah.” 

[EmseB]

As I read this thread and the genre I was going to guess that book! I find, even as a conservative-leaning Christian woman, I can't enjoy books like that or get anything out of them. I'm always picking apart the contradictions and feel really cynical about the advice given and find them...inane? Probably not the right word.

I wouldn't say anything, though. Sometimes if I come across an article about why said book is not good I might post it and see if it stirs up some comments as to why someone might have enjoyed it, but most of the time I just let it lie.

But doing a best/worst books of 2018 post more at the end of the year might be cathartic, just to let it out.

 

[gardenmom5]

if you didn't like it, you can say it..  really..  it's okay.  

My kids  love LotR.   1dd majored in classics because of her love for Tolkein. . . . . me, I could never get into it and found it painfully boring.  (ok - it had it's moments.)

 

tbh: I think people sometimes say they like something because they're afraid to be different and go against the crowd.

[OH_Homeschooler]

Different strokes for different folks. If your friend loved it, others might as well. I would not comment. Nothing can really be gained from it. You don't have to comment on every difference of opinion.

[Guest]

52 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

if you didn't like it, you can say it..  really..  it's okay.  

My kids  love LotR.   1dd majored in classics because of her love for Tolkein. . . . . me, I could never get into it and found it painfully boring.  (ok - it had it's moments.)

 

tbh: I think people sometimes say they like something because they're afraid to be different and go against the crowd.

Well yeah but - a Goodreads review, for example, is one thing. It is expected there and I posted my review. But I do think it’s different to go on someone’s FB page just to say, “I did read this book and boy, it sure was awful!” Also, as I said I think it is a bit different with non-fiction than with fiction, because saying I hated some NF book someone loved is almost like telling the person they are silly and shallow. 

But I have no problem also saying I did not like LOTR. It dragged for me and I didn’t like when a character had some nine-page song to sing and I don’t ever seem to enjoy reading about battles. That just doesn’t seem as personal though. 

[GoodGrief]

People find comfort and inspiration in many different ways, some of which don't speak to me at all or even offend me (for lack of a better word.) Unless the person is asking for a discussion or opinions, I'd keep my thoughts to myself.

[mom2scouts]

There's a lot of very negative reviews of the book on GoodReads. People seem to find it encouraging or they really, really dislike it!

I wouldn't comment at all on the friend's page, although if it's anything like the negative reviews say, I'd find it hard to stay silent. 

 

ETA: I just realized that the 5 star review at the top of the GoodReads page is from the author! Ugh!

Edited August 30, 2018 by mom2scouts

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

Well yeah but - a Goodreads review, for example, is one thing. It is expected there and I posted my review. But I do think it’s different to go on someone’s FB page just to say, “I did read this book and boy, it sure was awful!” Also, as I said I think it is a bit different with non-fiction than with fiction, because saying I hated some NF book someone loved is almost like telling the person they are silly and shallow. 

But I have no problem also saying I did not like LOTR. It dragged for me and I didn’t like when a character had some nine-page song to sing and I don’t ever seem to enjoy reading about battles. That just doesn’t seem as personal though. 

you can simply say "I read it.  I didn't enjoy it." (or, didn't like it'; or, didn't find it helpful.)  if someone asks for me clarification, you can do that too.

I really hate reviews of things that are all "glowy".  and if I'm in a group of friends, and they all think something is "wonderful" - I wonder what is wrong with me if I don't like it.  I'd prefer people who didn't enjoy something, were honest.

Edited August 30, 2018 by gardenmom5

[Petrichor]

It's hard, but just smile and nod.

Then, go burn their personal library down while they are out of town.

 

 

 

 

 

JOKING! I would never do that! Don't do that. No, really. Don't.

[Petrichor]

With the topic you mentioned, I would say something if I thought it was a hurtful book. Like a parenting book suggesting it's good to whip kids with plastic tubing. TBH I'd post a link to someone else discussing the dangers of the book though. I'm notoriously terrible at explaining myself properly and saying what I mean.

Just like how I posted a link to a website about how X after market car seat product is dangerous when a whole bunch of people suggested it after the original poster asked for suggestions to keep babies warm in a car seat because they were worried that puffy coats were unsafe. (I would have ignored it if the poster hadn't stated their concern about coats being unsafe in the car seat).

[Carol in Cal.]

So I got curious enough that I hunted down what book it was and then looked it up on Amazon, and I see what you mean I think.

So--it's fluffy and disorganized.

You know what?  A lot of Christian stuff written for women is like that, and I find that fairly offensive. BUT, there is another thing to remember.  We are a board of classical educators.  We are kind of self-selected for being readers of substantial books and doing very logical writing.  So this kind of book is not going to feed us, not even remotely, but it IS probably going to feed a lot of people who are different from us, and that's OK.  

Thankfully I HAVE found some really good, substantial Christian books for women.  My favorite author who is like that is Elizabeth Ahlmann.  

[unsinkable]

Oh gosh really?

no one can name the book? I have to go into another thread!?

Fine...BRB

Girl, Wash Your Face

 

[katilac]

7 hours ago, Quill said:

No, she isn’t my GRs friend, lol. She is more of an acquaintence-friend on FB. 

 

Then, no, definitely do not post on her page about it. You can certainly post a review on your own page. 

1 hour ago, Petrichor said:

With the topic you mentioned, I would say something if I thought it was a hurtful book. Like a parenting book suggesting it's good to whip kids with plastic tubing. TBH I'd post a link to someone else discussing the dangers of the book though. I'm notoriously terrible at explaining myself properly and saying what I mean.

Just like how I posted a link to a website about how X after market car seat product is dangerous when a whole bunch of people suggested it after the original poster asked for suggestions to keep babies warm in a car seat because they were worried that puffy coats were unsafe. (I would have ignored it if the poster hadn't stated their concern about coats being unsafe in the car seat).

 

Car seats are not in the same emotionally explosive universe as parenting books. I'd probably not post even a link to someone else's wall that is merely an acquaintance. I might do it via private message to the original poster, and to anyone I did know well who commented, simply because that is most likely to have the desired result of getting casual readers to reevaluate. If someone is firmly convinced that whipping toddlers with plumbing line is an awesome idea, I don't think the comment of a casual acquaintance is going to change their mind. 

[Guest]

39 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Oh gosh really?

no one can name the book? I have to go into another thread!?

Fine...BRB

Girl, Wash Your Face

 

Ok, but if anyone wants to tell me how wonderful they think that book and/or author is, just tag @unsinkable, don’t tag me! ?

[unsinkable]

3 minutes ago, Quill said:

Ok, but if anyone wants to tell me how wonderful they think that book and/or author is, just tag @unsinkable, don’t tag me! ?

Tag me? With what? Spray paint? A paint ball? A tranquilizer dart?

I'm missing something about "tagging" ?

I'm also missing about how you can complain in one thread about something but I'm doing something wrong by mention ing what it is in this thread?

[alisoncooks]

Interesting, that must be the "It" book right now.   I have a FB friend who has been raving about the book and author for weeks. 

I haven't bothered to look into it because I don't read self-help books. Too much enjoyable fiction, too little time. 

[katilac]

58 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Tag me? With what? Spray paint? A paint ball? A tranquilizer dart?

I'm missing something about "tagging" ?

3

 

Tagging is just alerting a poster about a response or something you want them to see; just put the @ symbol and then the user's name, no spaces. Like so: 

@katilac

Edited to add: I didn't get a notification to my own tag, so it may not work on these boards. 

Edited August 30, 2018 by katilac

[unsinkable]

1 minute ago, katilac said:

 

Tagging is just alerting a poster about a response or something you want them to see; just put the @ symbol and then the user's name, no spaces. Like so: 

@katilac

Is it painful?

[katilac]

Just now, unsinkable said:

Is it painful?

 

Not as painful as the giant tags they put on cows' ears. 

[mom2scouts]

Every time I go to the library, I browse the new book shelves and bring home whatever catches my attention. I saw this book on the shelf and I didn't even pick it up because I kept thinking, "That is such a stupid, annoying name for a book!" I don't usually choose books that way, but something about it just annoyed me.?

[Pen]

@unsinkable thanks for putting the title. I was curious. ?

[unsinkable]

8 minutes ago, Pen said:

@unsinkable thanks for putting the title. I was curious. ?

this tag hit me in the kidney but I think I'll be OK. 

[Guest]

2 hours ago, mom2scouts said:

Every time I go to the library, I browse the new book shelves and bring home whatever catches my attention. I saw this book on the shelf and I didn't even pick it up because I kept thinking, "That is such a stupid, annoying name for a book!" I don't usually choose books that way, but something about it just annoyed me.?

Well, if you found the title annoying, I can bet you don’t want to be called girl, girlfriend, sweet friend and sister nine hundred additional times in the book! After I finished the book, I really thought the title was stupid. 

[alisoncooks]

8 minutes ago, Quill said:

Well, if you found the title annoying, I can bet you don’t want to be called girl, girlfriend, sweet friend and sister nine hundred additional times in the book! After I finished the book, I really thought the title was stupid. 

My friend/acquaintance, the one who raved about this book, talks like that. Every time I see her: "HEY, girrrl!  How's my sweet friend doing?"

Uh-oh, maybe it's contagious. Subliminal messages within the text. Quill - were you affected at all?!?! ?

Edited August 31, 2018 by alisoncooks

[unsinkable]

I've heard her working title was

Stank, Brush Your Teeth

[alisoncooks]

4 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

I've heard her working title was

Stank, Brush Your Teeth

We might be on to something here. I'm thinking a series of reclaimed wood signs to hang in the bathroom... (we could add a third, because things look better in threes: Dude, Wipe the Seat). 

Edited August 31, 2018 by alisoncooks

[Selkie]

Dd and I were browsing at the bookstore this afternoon and saw this one, and I just laughed thinking of this thread. Even the cover of the book looks obnoxious.

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

My friend/acquaintance, the one who raved about this book, talks like that. Every time I see her: "HEY, girrrl!  How's my sweet friend doing?"

Uh-oh, maybe it's contagious. Subliminal messages within the text. Quill - were you affected at all?!?! ?

If I suddenly go out and buy a Louis Vuitton purse than costs a thousand dollars, then you can be certain, the book infected my brain somehow. That would be how you’ll know! ?

I do think the “colloquial best friend vernacular” is common among fluffy, vapid, blog writers, although I did also write in a colloquial tone when I wrote my as-yet-unpublished (and possibly never-to-be-published) book on decluttering. So, it’s a style, for sure, but I’m kinda over it now. I want a sentence written by someone who sounds more mature than an 8th grader. 

[unsinkable]

8 minutes ago, alisoncooks said:

We might be on to something here. I'm thinking a series of reclaimed wood signs to hang in the bathroom... (we could add a third, because things look better in threes: Dude, Wipe the Seat). 

Ok...we need a word to sorta rhyme with teeth and seat, plus a verb, plus an obnoxious noun...

Hun, Scrub Your Feet

 

[Guest]

14 minutes ago, unsinkable said:

Ok...we need a word to sorta rhyme with teeth and seat, plus a verb, plus an obnoxious noun...

Hun, Scrub Your Feet

 

Babe, Bleach Your Bra

[jewellsmommy]

21 hours ago, unsinkable said:

Oh gosh really?

no one can name the book? I have to go into another thread!?

Fine...BRB

Girl, Wash Your Face

 

 

19 hours ago, Pen said:

@unsinkable thanks for putting the title. I was curious. ?

 

16 hours ago, Quill said:

Well, if you found the title annoying, I can bet you don’t want to be called girl, girlfriend, sweet friend and sister nine hundred additional times in the book! After I finished the book, I really thought the title was stupid. 

 

 

I was so confused as I continued to read. I kept looking for the title. I didn't realize that unsinkable had actually posted the title. I thought she was telling Quill to go wipe her face off or something, like maybe she had been crying? And then I finally got it. I'm a little slow today, people. What a horrible title...

[Guest]

4 minutes ago, jewellsmommy said:

 

 

 

 

I was so confused as I continued to read. I kept looking for the title. I didn't realize that unsinkable had actually posted the title. I thought she was telling Quill to go wipe her face off or something, like maybe she had been crying? And then I finally got it. I'm a little slow today, people. What a horrible title...

Truly, it should have been my clue. 

Great book titles:

Les Miserables

All the Light We Cannot See

1984

The Glass Castle

Outliers

Bad Book Titles:

Girl, Wash Your Face