Home'scool Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 This post is just more drama with my STBX. My last update was that I sent his attorney my settlement offer, asking that he signed by the end of May or else we would have to go to trial. His answer? Dead silence. I found out this weekend that my oldest daughter, age 24, met with him for coffee. She has not seen him or really spoke with him in about 2 years. I guess she was hoping for some clear answers. He basically ended up still regurgitating the same lies and half-truths. When she asked him why he hasn't paid her back the $1800 she forwarded to her sister to cover expenses when she was studying abroad, he said "he didn't have the money" The man makes over $300,000 a year. He now pays NO expenses for the family other than me being on his health insurance. The only thing he apologized for was "not intervening more on behalf of her and her sister when things were going bad at home." Translation: Your mother is a real nut job and I should have protected you more from her. But this ..... THIS .... statement is what keeps me up at night punching my pillow in frustration: When he was having an affair with some girl he went to high school with, they decided to meet one weekend to go skiing, amongst other things. He left on a Thursday. On Friday we were hit with a blizzard, and another one was scheduled for Saturday night. By Friday I was buried in about 2 feet of snow. My STBX calls me on Friday and says he has broken his ankle skiing, and could I come get him (4 hour drive one way) to bring him home. Now, the sheer audacity of calling me to drive 4 hours to pick him up at whatever no-tell-motel he was fooling around at just boggles my mind. At the time I didn't know he was having an affair, but the fact that he would just use me like that leaves me speechless. I told him I could not come pick him up because (a) we were buried in snow and (b) we have two dogs that couldn't just stay in the house - I would need to set up a dog-sitter and we didn't just have one on speed dial. We finally figured out a way to get him home by a friend of his. When he was having coffee with my daughter he said that he felt "abandoned" by me that weekend. ABANDONED! So I was supposed to drop everything, drive through one blizzard and then through another one on the way back, for an (at least) 8 hour round trip, to pick him up at the motel he was having an affair at. The fact that he doesn't get how lousy that is, how disrespectful, how it's just NOT something one decent person does to another person, never mind someone who you are married to for over 25 years. I literally feel like I am going crazy because it is so far out there, yet he is trying to sell it as he is the victim. I literally start to sputter when I talk about this. I think it is just one of the most selfish, mean and degrading things he could've done. 12 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GinaPagnato Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 Holy. Cow. You're not going crazy...he is. Bat shit crazy. Man, that's unreal. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freesia Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 You are right. There is no way on earth you abandoned him that weekend. In fact, he abandoned you. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 I'm so sorry. He's the crazy one but I'm sure it makes him feel better to try and blame you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 Look up narcissistic behavior. I think you will find some familiar behavior traits described. Please don't lose sleep over this. Narcissism is difficult to live with even when the person is getting help. Consider yourself lucky to have escaped. NO more sleepless nights! Let your attorney handle the settlement - this is what they are being paid for. Try to plan some relaxing, fun, exciting, inspiring activities for yourself - whatever you enjoy and then enjoy it to the fullest! 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 Try to not let a crazy person make you crazy. What did your dd think of what he said? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 19 minutes ago, Kinsa said: You're not crazy. It is unfortunately too common for reality to become distorted in order for the guilty party to justify nefarious actions. My now XH expressed deep hurt that I filed for divorce without discussing it with him first. 'You never even gave me a chance to explain.' ? 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 What a nut job. I hope your dd could see right through that mess of lies. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 Good job kicking that idiot out of your life. I'm sure it's difficult for your dds that their dad is such a jerk, though.? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klmama Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 OP, you aren't even remotely crazy. ((Hugs)) 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen500 Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 Sounds like a complete narcissist. Everything is ALWAYS about THEM. They don't think like a normal person. At all. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 23, 2018 Author Share Posted July 23, 2018 Quote Let your attorney handle the settlement - this is what they are being paid for. Try to plan some relaxing, fun, exciting, inspiring activities for yourself - whatever you enjoy and then enjoy it to the fullest! My therapist suggested that I just consider myself divorced right now, even though the courts haven't said it yet. That has helped my mindset a bit. AND I have just scheduled a trip to Walt Disney World with my sister - a vacation he never would have allowed us to take! Quote Try to not let a crazy person make you crazy. What did your dd think of what he said? SHe didn't buy any of this crappola. I just wish he had seen this as an opportunity, after two years of not seeing them, to try and make some positive progress. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 When I was sputtering disbelief reading your last thread about him, I filled DH in. DH also diagnosed your ex as a narcissist at that time. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 7 minutes ago, Home'scool said: My therapist suggested that I just consider myself divorced right now, even though the courts haven't said it yet. That has helped my mindset a bit. AND I have just scheduled a trip to Walt Disney World with my sister - a vacation he never would have allowed us to take! SHe didn't buy any of this crappola. I just wish he had seen this as an opportunity, after two years of not seeing them, to try and make some positive progress. See, I would think that if he could go to a sleazy hotel with his girlfriend, you could go to Disney World with your sister. Call me old fashioned. (((Home'scool))) 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FairProspects Posted July 23, 2018 Share Posted July 23, 2018 Yeah, you are dealing with a narcissist. Narcissists want you to feel you are going crazy. That's part of their spin and they love the power trip. Just be glad you are moving on. Narcissists don't change their ways of relating. They just move on to the next victim. So sorry! 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 Listen, you're the lucky one here. You've gotten away from him, but he can't ever get away from himself. You've got friends and family who genuinely care about you, and he's alone in his own mind all the time. 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 I agree he is a jerk, but I would like to say that people behave like narcissists when they are in affairs. So I don't know if he is still in at affair....but yeah, bad behavior makes people act crazy. When did you realize he was at that hotel with an affair partner? The reason he could have the nerve to call you for a ride home from the hotel where he was committing adultery is because he compartmemtalized the whole thing.....this box AFFAIR, this box BROKEN FOOT. Wife helps with BROKEN FOOT. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carol in Cal. Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 Gas lighting, totally. What I don't get is why you are falling for it? C'mon, you know this. This is The Pattern. You KNOW this. He does not deserve the space in your head for that anger or anything else. He's a tool and a liar. That is all. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 I do not understand why a man with that level of means hasn't been ordered to pay temporary spousal support until the trial. Here, the state will garnish wages and accounts to get the recipient their funds. Has he successfully hidden everything? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Home'scool Posted July 24, 2018 Author Share Posted July 24, 2018 Quote When did you realize he was at that hotel with an affair partner? It wasn't until about 6 months later when I found a text on his phone from his girlfriend. I confronted him and eventually he told me the truth. When I started looking into her on facebook, etc., it showed that she worked at the mountain where he broke his ankle. Then I put that piece of the puzzle together. Quote I do not understand why a man with that level of means hasn't been ordered to pay temporary spousal support until the trial. Here, the state will garnish wages and accounts to get the recipient their funds. Has he successfully hidden everything? He has been ordered to pay temporary alimony. He just ..... refuses. We have brought him to court multiple times and finally the judge ruled that the alimony could come out of his half of the proceeds from the sale of the house. We are still going back to court for contempt because soon that money will run out and I don't want to be stuck. He plays the game well, though. He is on his third attorney (he fired the first one, the second one dumped him) and each new attorney extends the process. First they come on with all sorts of promises to "right this ship" and get this all resolved. Then, slowly, then new attorney realizes that my STBX never responds to emails or phone calls. Every correspondence from my attorney takes MONTHS to get answers from him. Then we file for contempt, which takes months to get a court date. And round and round we go. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 12 hours ago, StellaM said: A narcissist in your life will do that to you. Rest assured, he's the crazy one. Abandoned ?! Wow, way to rewrite history, you cheating, selfish jerk. Have to say I'm glad our affection for each other on this board leads us to defend each other. ❤️ I'm so sorry OP that you have to deal with him. And I'm glad you've raised a sensible daughter who can see thru bullshit. Pardon the lang. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkTulip Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 There is only one crazy person is this (former) relationship. Hint: it’s not you! I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 One day this will all be behind you and when he asks like a jerk it will have no affect on you. It will come, it's been 5 years since my separation, 4 since the divorce was finalized. He's still doing jerky things, but most of them I can just watch without feeling emotionally involved. My little ex-narcissist is now on disability, has paid one month of child support in all this time and drives a brand new Suburban, which my friends and I have aptly nicknamed "Child Support" because it probably takes half of what would be a payment to fill it up. Apparently, his new girlfriend bought him the car. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 20 minutes ago, elegantlion said: One day this will all be behind you and when he asks like a jerk it will have no affect on you. It will come, it's been 5 years since my separation, 4 since the divorce was finalized. He's still doing jerky things, but most of them I can just watch without feeling emotionally involved. My little ex-narcissist is now on disability, has paid one month of child support in all this time and drives a brand new Suburban, which my friends and I have aptly nicknamed "Child Support" because it probably takes half of what would be a payment to fill it up. Apparently, his new girlfriend bought him the car. Funny! I love it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 22 minutes ago, elegantlion said: One day this will all be behind you and when he asks like a jerk it will have no affect on you. It will come, it's been 5 years since my separation, 4 since the divorce was finalized. He's still doing jerky things, but most of them I can just watch without feeling emotionally involved. My little ex-narcissist is now on disability, has paid one month of child support in all this time and drives a brand new Suburban, which my friends and I have aptly nicknamed "Child Support" because it probably takes half of what would be a payment to fill it up. Apparently, his new girlfriend bought him the car. It has been 9 since my separation....it has been years since he affected me on a regular basis....but the other day he made me so angry in a discussion about expenses for ds that it brought up all of that garbage. Ugh! I like it so much better when I give him no space in my head. Time is a great healer--it is true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 You're not crazy. Whether it's narcissism or some other weird brain state, he's definitely the one who is mixed up. I'm really sorry you have to go through all of that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlsdMama Posted July 24, 2018 Share Posted July 24, 2018 Wow. Speechless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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