If you moved far away from family and friends...

[PeachyDoodle]

...what made you decide to do it?

I have lived in the same town my whole life. DH has lived here his whole life too. Our parents, grandparents, extended family are here. We don't have a wide social circle, but that's here too, of course.

We have never considered living anywhere else. But the constant nearness of family is starting to feel like more of a burden than a benefit. We've been married 18 years. 10 of those we spent living in my grandparents' home (after they passed away), next door to my aunt and uncle. That ended badly. Last year, we bought the home I grew up in. That was not really my preference, but it was the most practical decision for a number of reasons. We see at least one person from my side of the family every day.

I love them. DH loves them. The kids definitely love them. But I am starting to feel as if I will always live in a fish bowl. And I feel taken for granted at lot of the time. I am constantly called upon to help with family things. My sister lives in a large city several hundred miles away and does whatever she feels like doing. If she comes home, we're all supposed to drop everything and visit with her. If she needs anything, my parents drop it all and go flying to her side. To be fair, this is mostly driven by my parents, not my sister. And it's not like my parents never do anything for me. They do. But having to be the one always there for everyone while my sister flits in and out as she pleases because she's "so busy" and has "so many important things to do" is wearing on me.

And I know this is just going to get worse as my parents age. They are in their mid-60's and in good health. But they aren't getting any younger and I feel like I don't have the option of saying, "I want my own life." Out of the three of us, I'm the only one left here (our other sister is dead).

DH has been laid off again for the third time in 5 years. If we're going to make a move, now would be the time to do it. We have never seriously considered it, but we are now. I know my parents will be sad. I know the kids will be sad. But there's a part of me that just wants to say screw it and do what I want for a change.

Sigh. I'm really just venting here, but if anybody has any advice, chime in.

[BlsdMama]

3 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

...what made you decide to do it?

I have lived in the same town my whole life. DH has lived here his whole life too. Our parents, grandparents, extended family are here. We don't have a wide social circle, but that's here too, of course.

We have never considered living anywhere else. But the constant nearness of family is starting to feel like more of a burden than a benefit. We've been married 18 years. 10 of those we spent living in my grandparents' home (after they passed away), next door to my aunt and uncle. That ended badly. Last year, we bought the home I grew up in. That was not really my preference, but it was the most practical decision for a number of reasons. We see at least one person from my side of the family every day.

I love them. DH loves them. The kids definitely love them. But I am starting to feel as if I will always live in a fish bowl. And I feel taken for granted at lot of the time. I am constantly called upon to help with family things. My sister lives in a large city several hundred miles away and does whatever she feels like doing. If she comes home, we're all supposed to drop everything and visit with her. If she needs anything, my parents drop it all and go flying to her side. To be fair, this is mostly driven by my parents, not my sister. And it's not like my parents never do anything for me. They do. But having to be the one always there for everyone while my sister flits in and out as she pleases because she's "so busy" and has "so many important things to do" is wearing on me.

And I know this is just going to get worse as my parents age. They are in their mid-60's and in good health. But they aren't getting any younger and I feel like I don't have the option of saying, "I want my own life." Out of the three of us, I'm the only one left here (our other sister is dead).

DH has been laid off again for the third time in 5 years. If we're going to make a move, now would be the time to do it. We have never seriously considered it, but we are now. I know my parents will be sad. I know the kids will be sad. But there's a part of me that just wants to say screw it and do what I want for a change.

Sigh. I'm really just venting here, but if anybody has any advice, chime in.

So I will chime in:

When DD was 14 we moved away for four years. (We're from Iowa and have spent almost 4 years in CA and then 4 years in OR.)

Loved it.  Absolutely loved it, glad we did it.  We were truly our own family.  Our time was our own.  We were very adventurous - the lifestyle and culture out there suited us.  (Not the clouds, but wow, love Oregon.)


Pros:
Exactly what you're saying and we essentially had a four year paid vacation to explore Oregon.

Cons:
* What if you want to go back?  We took a two year job transfer.  He couldn't get back before four which I think was a good thing.  We wouldn't have wanted to come back at two and by four, we were aching to be back.
* My grandma died.  It made us VERY cognizant of the fact that we weren't in a bubble or a time warp.  Things still marched on at home, like time.  We weren't somehow innoculated from something bad happening.  Ultimately it was the idea that our kids were missing out on grandparents and relationships and that those things would not always be available.
* We were always under the impression we'd move back.  When DD was a senior, it was the "right" time so that she could go to college in-state.  And, though it doesn't guarantee me close grandbabies, she did marry a boy that grew up not far from here.  So, when they visit, they visit all grandparents, kwim?
* Far really is far.  I didn't come home for my grandmother's funeral or the few days she was hospitalized when everyone knew we were at the end.  How does one leave babies for an indefinite time?  And we really couldn't fly all of us home either.  
* No discussions about homeschooling or parenting or what defines a spotless house.
* Your real adult identity - it is really hard to have an adult identity (meaning you've changed/grown/etc from who you were as a kid) in your hometown.  

My kids were sad - both going and coming back.  We never counted on making *very* close friends while we were there.  DS was there from age 10 to age 14.  Those are pretty pivotal years.  He was no longer very close to grandparents when he was 14 and honestly, couldn't see why in the world we'd make him move back - after all, they visit.  I look at my 13yo ds currently?  He would be torn to leave his grandpa right now - very close relationship there.

It's difficult.  Honestly, we'd done a 4 year move before and loved it.  We were looking at the sunshiney part of all it.  Despite the list of cons, I am SO glad we did it.  

Have you thought of a close, but far, move?  Our daughter lives about 2-2.5 hours away.  It's far enough that no one would risk just "stopping by" in case they aren't home, but close enough that we visit them pretty regularly and they can come home whenever they get the urge.  When we moved "back" we did not move to our hometown.  We are about 45 minutes away in an area that has more homeschoolers.  We were pretty secluded from homeschooling families before and I had zero urge to do that to me or the kids again, no matter how much I love my hometown, I recognize most of that is nostalgia.
 

[Annie G]

We moved way from family to take a job offer. 26 years later we’re finally making plans to return ‘home’ to retire. The pros were awesome- we were our own family and weren’t pulled away for holidays or other events. We learned to rely on each other. We developed our own traditions. We had adventures as a family.  We moved to a lower cost of living area and have managed to save a lot more than if we’d not moved.  

Cons: we missed a lot of time with our families and both of us have now lost our moms so of course that’s sad, but no decision is ever perfect. We never had built in babysitters for date nights and our kids didn’t have grandparents at their musicals or stuff like that. 

Dh and I have never wavered on this being the right decision for us. 

[TheReader]

We first moved about 1.5 hours from "home", because that's where DH's job offer was. That was hard, at first, because it was just far enough for us to really feel the difference, being "far away" vs. living in the same town. We had to adjust to family not coming for every t-ball game, and they had to adjust to us missing the big family parties. And then we had to adjust to that they still did come for the "big" stuff, when we'd gotten used to them not being there. 

Then we moved to Brazil, also for DH's job. That was an in-house transfer and we didn't *really* have a choice, so off we went. And that was wonderful and hard, because we became really just our own little unit. Ex-pat life is different even than a normal move, in that all your friends are also coming and going, so you get really close, really fast, which is great. But then they move on to the next post (or you do), which is not so great. And we hs'ed while there, which was pretty isolating and meant we dealt with things you likely probably won't. Most of the cons of our time away are stuff that probably wouldn't be cons after/during a normal "far away" move, because mostly they are all due to specific "homeschooling in a country where it's only semi-legal and all the social circle of ex-pats runs through the schools" situation we were in. 

We did lose 2 relatives, and gain a niece, while gone. And those are the big reasons (that and looming college) we came home; after 6 yrs away, we felt the need to be near again. Our kids were growing up not knowing their cousins. 

The part we didn't count on.....coming back didn't fix that. 

We've been back 4 years now, and it's been hard to make friends again, partly because we did become such a unit as a family. For six years, it was basically just us; that really bonds you, tightly. And non-ex-pat friendships are slower to form, which is an adjustment for us. And opening up our family unit to welcome new friends is an adjustment, because we're still relearning that new friends don't leave in a year, normally, and that it's okay to need other people. 

But also, it's been hard to get reinserted into the family, because for 6 years, we were gone, and they were all here. So my MIL and SIL are now even closer than they were, and MIL very strongly favors SIL's kids over ours (which was never the case, or not felt, before and while we were gone). It's an adjustment to go from the "hey, they're in town, drop everything and come visit!" people, to the "oh, now you're local again, we can fit you in when it works for us" people. It's especially an adjustment to realize that the other part of the family gets fit-in more often, because for all these years they had a routine of getting together, helping with x, showing up for y, etc. so now we're an "inconvenience" or an interruption to these established routines with the family that stayed here. 

We specifically didn't move back to our same exact town because we anticipated that reality with the friends we had before.....but we never dreamed it would be the reality with family. 

Still, it was good for us to be away, and it's good for us now to not be just right there, and even in the hard stuff, we still mostly feel like it was the right thing. Or, well, we have some stuff we wonder about, but there are trade-offs, and would we have skipped all the good just to eliminate the little bit of bad? Hard to say. Over all, we most of the time feel like we came out ahead. 

Just some stuff to think about if you decide to move. 

[lavender's green]

20 minutes ago, PeachyDoodle said:

...what made you decide to do it?

I have lived in the same town my whole life. DH has lived here his whole life too. Our parents, grandparents, extended family are here. We don't have a wide social circle, but that's here too, of course.

We have never considered living anywhere else. But the constant nearness of family is starting to feel like more of a burden than a benefit. We've been married 18 years. 10 of those we spent living in my grandparents' home (after they passed away), next door to my aunt and uncle. That ended badly. Last year, we bought the home I grew up in. That was not really my preference, but it was the most practical decision for a number of reasons. We see at least one person from my side of the family every day.

I love them. DH loves them. The kids definitely love them. But I am starting to feel as if I will always live in a fish bowl. And I feel taken for granted at lot of the time. I am constantly called upon to help with family things. My sister lives in a large city several hundred miles away and does whatever she feels like doing. If she comes home, we're all supposed to drop everything and visit with her. If she needs anything, my parents drop it all and go flying to her side. To be fair, this is mostly driven by my parents, not my sister. And it's not like my parents never do anything for me. They do. But having to be the one always there for everyone while my sister flits in and out as she pleases because she's "so busy" and has "so many important things to do" is wearing on me.

And I know this is just going to get worse as my parents age. They are in their mid-60's and in good health. But they aren't getting any younger and I feel like I don't have the option of saying, "I want my own life." Out of the three of us, I'm the only one left here (our other sister is dead).

DH has been laid off again for the third time in 5 years. If we're going to make a move, now would be the time to do it. We have never seriously considered it, but we are now. I know my parents will be sad. I know the kids will be sad. But there's a part of me that just wants to say screw it and do what I want for a change.

Sigh. I'm really just venting here, but if anybody has any advice, chime in.

This is exactly the situation my parents were in, except with a lot more siblings and the privacy invasion that goes with it. A couple years ago my dad's sister died young of a heart attack, they didn't want to deal with yet another northern winter, so they said "life is short," sold most of their stuff, packed up a u-haul, and moved clear across the country. I think they're really enjoying being like my aunt (who is just like your sister). They're on their own for the first time in their lives, and there are growing pains, but it's been good for them.

I had a good time growing up in that environment. We never had a babysitter because there were so many relatives who could take us, I was close to my living grandparents, had a slew of cousins, and I had a wide range of adult role models. But oh my goodness, were they all boundary-challenged! I didn't want that for my own adult life, plus I have only the one sister and she's not the kind of person anyone would want around their kids. 

There were also economic reasons. There are only so many places to work in DH's field. Yeah, he could have become a different type of engineer, but there was too much economic uncertainty in our old state. We always knew, back when we were dating in college, that we'd get out ASAP.

Sometimes I feel like I'll never have the same kind of comfort and security I did when I was a kid. The family was really rooted in that area, and from my perspective it felt like everyone had been in their homes for ever. Everything just felt so settled and comfy, and I have trouble getting that feeling back. Maybe in a few decades I will. On the upside, I feel like I've really forged my own adult identity. I also think it's been good for our marriage, but I also know of cases where it backfired.

What if you moved only across town or a couple hours away? Enough for some distance but close enough for your kids' friends and grandparent relationships.

[PeachyDoodle]

Yeah, we would want to come back in a couple of years I think. But we are on the cusp of that time period with our kids where they may not want to come back when dh and I are ready. Right now they would hate it. Like, I think we would have a borderline mutiny if we told them we were moving away. DS especially is very close to my parents and would be heartbroken. That is the biggest thing honestly, and it would just about be enough to make me nix the idea all on its own. I love that he has that relationship with his grandparents. I don't want him to lose that. 

And of course there's the employment factor -- would dh be able to find another job here when he wanted it, and all that. 

My sister is getting married next month, and I'm sure a lot of my feelings are related to that. As usual, she does whatever she wants, while everybody else falls all over themselves to make her feel special. My parents did pay for our very simple wedding, and I was grateful for that at the time (still am). But nobody lifted a finger to help me with it. At the time, I'd attended exactly two weddings in my entire life, one when I was 5. My mother couldn't even be bothered to give her opinion on the flowers. ("It's your wedding," she said. Well, duh, but I asked because I would have liked some input. From my mother. My sister's flower budget is more than my entire wedding.) She didn't go with me to pick out a dress (she's not only been to all my sister's appointments and fittings, she's scheduled them) and when she saw it, she said it looked "nice." 

I feel invisible here. At least somewhere else I could be invisible without being with people who I expect (hope) will notice me.

I'm almost 40. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis, LOL.

 

 

[lavender's green]

I forgot to mention vacations.  Be sure to be on the same page as your husband! But even then, there may be hurt feelings. Back when our families lived near each other, we had good reason to usually stay with my in-laws, so that was hard on my parents. It was probably also hard on my in-laws for us to stay there and flit away all the time to see my folks, even though we spent more time with them overall. 

Now the families live far apart, and there's a lot of pressure to use all our vacation time and money just to visit people. My MIL is getting especially guilt-trippy, which I hate because I'm treated as an outsider once we're there. We've seen my parents more this year (by chance, not design) and I think it's hard on my in-laws. I'm a huge proponent of grandparent relationships, but boy is it hard to get all our bases covered in an economic and fair manner that doesn't leave me feeling ragged and used.

As I mentioned upthread, my parents moved far away from their huge extended family, and with my grandma about to die, they're using a lot of time and money to get back home for visits, and they have to say a final good-bye every single time. It's emotionally difficult. I think their siblings are also guilt-tripping them about it. 

[fairfarmhand]

I think you’re mashing together two issues—

your feelings about the relationship with your parents and your sister 

and your feelings about living near family. 

Dont think that moving away will cause your parents to change what they’re doing wrt that relationship. They might. Or they might not. 

1.5-2 hours away might give you some space that you need. Still close enough for emergencies and fun things but not so much family to get on each other’s nerves. 

And if your dh needs a job that’s difficult to find in your area, that’s a huge concern. 

We live far from both sides of the family and I am glad. We’re different people here than we would’ve been had we stayed. 

[Just Kate]

When dh and I first married, we lived about seven hours away from my family (just for a short bit) and then for the next ten years, we lived three hours away.  Living seven hours away was too far for me, but living three hours away was perfect! We could go home for the day, or my parents could visit for the day if necessary, but I felt like I lived in my own world! It was fabulous. But we ended up moving back to my hometown and we’ve been back for about eight years. I do enjoy living close to my parents, but I have such a good relationship with them that we maintained well even when we lived away. 

Now dh’s family lives much further away (16 hour drive). He isn’t nearly as close to them as I am with my family. I would like to agree with a pp who mentioned vacations. Traveling far to visit family becomes expensive and we always find ourselves choosing between a family vacation and visiting family. Trust me, visiting in-laws is not a vacation! This year, we planned a family beach trip with the plan to visit family early next year. After talking to dh’s brother, we learned that dh’s dad’s health is declining more than we really thought (he is on oxygen 24/7, etc). So we decided  I make a trip this August before the kids go back to school. Which means a big trip...that we really hadn’t planned for. Which also means that we are having to put off other things that we had planned to do (due to finances). Now I am happy that we can visit and I know it’s the right thing to do, but the distance has made it very expensive over the years. 

My suggestion would be to look to move away, but not far away. Stay within reasonable driving distance (less than 10 hours?). Given your dh’s work situation, now sounds like a great time to at least pursue the idea. 

[PeachyDoodle]

6 minutes ago, fairfarmhand said:

I think you’re mashing together two issues—

your feelings about the relationship with your parents and your sister 

and your feelings about living near family. 

Dont think that moving away will cause your parents to change what they’re doing wrt that relationship. They might. Or they might not. 

1.5-2 hours away might give you some space that you need. Still close enough for emergencies and fun things but not so much family to get on each other’s nerves. 

And if your dh needs a job that’s difficult to find in your area, that’s a huge concern. 

We live far from both sides of the family and I am glad. We’re different people here than we would’ve been had we stayed. 

That's probably true about conflating the issues. I don't think my parents' relationship with my sister will change if I move. I think it will affect me less if I don't live here. Maybe I won't feel so disappointed by their tendency to treat her as special and me as ordinary if I'm not around to witness it. But yes, also that maybe they would treat me as special if I was off doing my own thing instead of always around doing the grunt work. 

DH is in sales so he can work pretty much anywhere. I'm thinking more that if he had a good job somewhere else, it would make it harder for us to leave there and come back here, even if we'd planned to.

We have talked about the possibility of a less-far-away move. There isn't anywhere within a couple hours' drive we really would like to live. But we aren't ruling it out.

DH has decided to let the recruiters he works with know that he would be open to relocation. If something great comes along, maybe that will help us decide.

I know I sound really bitter and whiny. ? I probably just need a good long vacation, but I don't see one of those in my near future!

[City Mouse]

When we moved far away, it was to move to a specific place because we wanted to live it that place. it happens that we had to leave family behind, but that was not why we chose to go. It was good timing for family issues. My MIL had recently passed away and no longer needed our help, and my parents were still self-sufficient. Us moving away prompted my parents to move to a location that is better suited to my mom's declining health and mobility. If we were moving now, I might feel to guilty to leave them.

One of the strangest realizations for me was that my DS was at an age where our new location is "home" for him. He has memories of Before but not the kind of memories and connections that the rest of us do. 

 

[regentrude]

3 hours ago, PeachyDoodle said:

...what made you decide to do it?y advice, chime in.

Work. We moved across an ocean to another continent because this is where DH got a job.

Does it suck sometimes? Yes, definitely. Kids grew up without extended family nearby, I never had any family help raising them, we spent a fortune on airline tickets to be able to go home and have the kids develop a relationship to grandparents, aunts etc. But in our line of work, you have to move where the job is.  Everybody has to.

It's hard to be far away when parents age. 

But despite the distance, I am close to my parents. We have a good relationship. We talk more often than they talk to my sister who lives in the same city! It's just that we cannot give any hands-on help, sigh.

[Sneezyone]

So, DH and I moved away from our families as soon as we married so we don't have the experience, as a married couple, of being close. We were very close up until that point tho. I'm gonna use Kelly's pro/con format.

PRO

My kids have traveled and seen a lot more than my family members and their kids. Not just other states but other countries. They are much less afraid of other people, in general, than they otherwise might have been growing up in our tight-knit family. DH and I got a chance to learn how to be resourceful as a family and depend on near strangers for help. Our family business was our own and no one was there to watch every little thing (good or bad) that we did together or, later, as parents (no fishbowl). I also have more control over how much time/influence they have in our lives. DH's family is much more conservative and traditional and, frankly, stifling to young people. We have seen them more as the kids have gotten older and it's been muuuuch better. They seem to have more respect for the boundaries and perspectives of my kids now that they are older. We also have been able to live in locations where wages are higher and jobs are more plentiful. My mother and sister have a strained and volatile relationship. Being away allows me to keep my distance from the worst of it and maintain decent relations with both.

CON

Our family members are getting older and there are some who cannot travel easily to see us. We have to see them in places we don't really like to visit and those visits have to be intentionally planned by us. As they age, we also know there are certain of them that will need financial and/or physical support. That's a looming issue/burden. We have had to travel back for sudden deaths on two occasions. That was hard. My kids also don't get a lot of cousin time because my generation is much more spread out. Also, my kids are of an age where they really don't want to move anymore and I respect that.

[BooksandBoys]

We are 20 hours by car from any family (we are from different areas of the country). 

Pros: I fit here. I never felt at home where I grew up, and I was eager to leave and explore other areas. I’ve done that and now live in my favorite place in this country. 

I don’t have to deal with my brothers’ weird stuff. I go home to visit, I drive around seeing everyone (they never come to me), and then I get to leave. I support my parents financially, if necessary. 

I don’t have to deal with my in-laws trying to micromanage our beliefs and parenting. They are absolutely lovely in small doses.

Cons: No childcare. We have no family around, and are kids are tricky, so this has been super hard. Childcare costs a fortune here. There are a few people I really admire who I miss a lot. I miss my mom too, but, honestly, she’s better in smaller doses too. ? 

We left 16 years ago and have almost zero regrets. 

For what it’s worth, my parents drop everything, including already purchased Plane Tickets for a visit to me, if my brothers ask for their help. Mom has cancelled her visits twice this summer to take care of my brothers’ kids. And that was after she gave me all of three weeks to choose from for her visit in the first place because they wanted her there. She’s always been that way, even when we were kids.  So, I doubt your parents will change how they interact with you if you move. That stuff is established long before you have any say. ? However, i think it’s easier to have good boundaries about that stuff (those are my mom’s choices, I didn’t cause them, I forgive and move on, set my own boundaries) when I’m not in the same state with her. 

[Tsuga]

15 hours ago, PeachyDoodle said:

...what made you decide to do it?

The recession.

15 hours ago, PeachyDoodle said:

I have lived in the same town my whole life. DH has lived here his whole life too. Our parents, grandparents, extended family are here. We don't have a wide social circle, but that's here too, of course.

We have never considered living anywhere else. But the constant nearness of family is starting to feel like more of a burden than a benefit. We've been married 18 years. 10 of those we spent living in my grandparents' home (after they passed away), next door to my aunt and uncle. That ended badly. Last year, we bought the home I grew up in. That was not really my preference, but it was the most practical decision for a number of reasons. We see at least one person from my side of the family every day.

I love them. DH loves them. The kids definitely love them. But I am starting to feel as if I will always live in a fish bowl. And I feel taken for granted at lot of the time. I am constantly called upon to help with family things. My sister lives in a large city several hundred miles away and does whatever she feels like doing. If she comes home, we're all supposed to drop everything and visit with her. If she needs anything, my parents drop it all and go flying to her side. To be fair, this is mostly driven by my parents, not my sister. And it's not like my parents never do anything for me. They do. But having to be the one always there for everyone while my sister flits in and out as she pleases because she's "so busy" and has "so many important things to do" is wearing on me.

You deserve your own life.

15 hours ago, PeachyDoodle said:

And I know this is just going to get worse as my parents age. They are in their mid-60's and in good health. But they aren't getting any younger and I feel like I don't have the option of saying, "I want my own life." Out of the three of us, I'm the only one left here (our other sister is dead).

Well, saying those words could be hurtful. But going for your family, for economic reasons, for the kids, and putting it that way, is possible.

15 hours ago, PeachyDoodle said:

DH has been laid off again for the third time in 5 years.

I'm sorry. ?

15 hours ago, PeachyDoodle said:

If we're going to make a move, now would be the time to do it. We have never seriously considered it, but we are now. I know my parents will be sad. I know the kids will be sad. But there's a part of me that just wants to say screw it and do what I want for a change.

Sigh. I'm really just venting here, but if anybody has any advice, chime in.

Screw what? Screw martyrdom? Yeah, for sure, screw that. 

My advice is, frame it in terms of, "We need to be financially secure for our kids, because instability is not their fault. There are a lot of people we love, but they have nobody but us, so this move is non-negotiable. We need to seek the best outcome for us and the kids." And that's only if they ask why. Otherwise frame it in terms of a "lifetime opportunity for DH".

Keep in touch with letters, Facebook, whatever.

Don't feel bad for making sure that you and your husband can provide for the kids and realize yourselves. Your parents had choices, they made those choices, and they can deal. Right now, you are 100% focused on the kids. Yes they will miss the grandparents, but they also need to eat.

Good luck to you. It's not easy but I get it.

[CAJinBE]

My dh's military career took us far away for two decades and now he has retired to another job overseas in his career field. My kids have only one surviving grand parent who is now in a retirement community. We only see her about every 18 months depending on if we go home for Christmas or summer, never both, and sometimes alternating. It costs a fortune and really doesn't feel like vacation. When my dad died it cost another small fortune to see him three times during the course of his terminal illness, but worth every penny. I think living only a few hours away would be much better since you could see people much more often, but not too much. It's tough sometimes, but overall it was the best for our family. Even if we lived where my parents lived at the start of our marriage, they had moved since, so we still would be several states away at least. 

[Carrie12345]

I didn't move away, but my parents did. About 800 miles.  They didn't have any small children at the time. (One teen, the rest were legal adults.)  My stepdad was used to moving around, and his parents were no longer alive.  My mother never lived more than 50 minutes from her family, and her parents were getting older.

They're definitely mostly happy with their decision, but I know it's been incredibly hard for my mom to deal with losing her father while so far away, and now Grandma's dementia is pretty severe.  Between work and money, she really only comes back once, maybe twice a year unless there are emergencies, which have the added stress of managing time off, travel, and extra cost.

*I"M* not happy with their decision, and it's been nearly 20 years.  They're getting older. My sisters are near them, but one is like an 18yo in a 38yo's body, and the other is very busy with small children.  I've gone down there for health emergencies, and that's very stressful for my family.  I don't picture it getting any easier as they get older, or especially when there's only one of them.  (And that's likely to be my mom in 10 years or less.)

I'm definitely an introvert who doesn't want to see ANYONE every single day. I hide from my kids for a few hours almost daily!  But a 45-60 minute distance was good for me.  Long distance still makes me feel like I'm part of a broken family.

[Chris in VA]

I just want to say, gently, that you sound very resentful of your sister's "getting to do whatever she wants" as far as family is concerned. You said you feel ordinary and that they treat her as special. I'd say that's because we naturally find ordinary that which we see often. I'm sorry that is hurtful to you! I think you need to remember that you both had choices, and you chose to stay close to your family. She chose to move. I think you need to own your choice and realize it was and is within your power to chose--not how they treat you, but where you live and how you interact with your family. 

I've never lived close to my family as a married woman (well, within 45 of one brother for about 2 years, but we weren't close). I didn't grow up close to my extended family as a child, spending the majority of my life in either Ohio or Florida with most of my aunts and uncles and grandparents in New England. So, I just don't have the same experience as you do, but I see myself identifying more with your sister, so that's why I commented as I did. 

Now we are probably going to be much, much farther away, and my parents are in their 80s, and I'm the only child they have left. We just reconnected with my estranged (now deceased) brother's family. It's not going to be easy, being away, however my kids are now adults and can seek their own relationships with family.  But it's a choice, and I firmly believe people get to choose their lives, up to a point, anyway. If I am resented for my choice, it only puts a strain on relationships. I will "do my part" with my parents, but yes, I will also chose to live where I want to. 

As far as your kids and their reactions to moving, I'd say be very careful. We moved here during a vulnerable time in my boys' lives--they spent their teens here and never truly liked it. I think moving when you are maybe 11-15 really sucks for some kids. I know my dd, who is the only one who spent her life in one place (well, we moved here when she was 2, so it feels like her only home) is dreading our (hubby and mine) move. She knew in her heart this place was temporary (we live in a rectory and our housing is job-dependent) but boy, it's hard.

So, YMMV. Maybe you can stay, but put better boundaries in place. That may be key for you. (Geez, it took me a minute to get to the point, didn't it? LOL)

[PeachyDoodle]

16 minutes ago, Chris in VA said:

I just want to say, gently, that you sound very resentful of your sister's "getting to do whatever she wants" as far as family is concerned. You said you feel ordinary and that they treat her as special. I'd say that's because we naturally find ordinary that which we see often. I'm sorry that is hurtful to you! I think you need to remember that you both had choices, and you chose to stay close to your family. She chose to move. I think you need to own your choice and realize it was and is within your power to chose--not how they treat you, but where you live and how you interact with your family. 

I've never lived close to my family as a married woman (well, within 45 of one brother for about 2 years, but we weren't close). I didn't grow up close to my extended family as a child, spending the majority of my life in either Ohio or Florida with most of my aunts and uncles and grandparents in New England. So, I just don't have the same experience as you do, but I see myself identifying more with your sister, so that's why I commented as I did. 

Now we are probably going to be much, much farther away, and my parents are in their 80s, and I'm the only child they have left. We just reconnected with my estranged (now deceased) brother's family. It's not going to be easy, being away, however my kids are now adults and can seek their own relationships with family.  But it's a choice, and I firmly believe people get to choose their lives, up to a point, anyway. If I am resented for my choice, it only puts a strain on relationships. I will "do my part" with my parents, but yes, I will also chose to live where I want to. 

As far as your kids and their reactions to moving, I'd say be very careful. We moved here during a vulnerable time in my boys' lives--they spent their teens here and never truly liked it. I think moving when you are maybe 11-15 really sucks for some kids. I know my dd, who is the only one who spent her life in one place (well, we moved here when she was 2, so it feels like her only home) is dreading our (hubby and mine) move. She knew in her heart this place was temporary (we live in a rectory and our housing is job-dependent) but boy, it's hard.

So, YMMV. Maybe you can stay, but put better boundaries in place. That may be key for you. (Geez, it took me a minute to get to the point, didn't it? LOL)

Yes, all this is true. I don't blame my sister. I don't even really blame my parents; they're not mean or demanding or busybodies or anything like that. We all have a generally good relationship. They probably would be shocked if I told them any of this, to be honest. I suppose I feel as though I didn't have the choices she had when I was younger because of expectations I felt from my parents (or lack thereof?), and I don't have them now because of the effect it would have on the kids.

Moving is not my ideal. Although if it's what we end up needing to do for financial reasons, I would be okay with it. I don't think opening ourselves up to additional job opportunities is a bad thing, but I know the kids would have a hard time with it. In a few years, when they're launched, maybe I'd have more options. Of course, by that point, my parents will be in their late 70's and more likely to actually need me.

I am not entirely sure what boundaries I would need should we end up staying. I guess I just need to work through my feelings, and that's part of what this thread is about.

Thanks for your perspective.

[Chris in VA]

Whenever I go out on a limb and may sound a bit harsh or confrontative, I always feel uncomfortable. So thanks, Peachy, for your gracious response to my "advice." 

I really do get feeling that I don't have a choice in some areas of my life. I think the reality is, we all get ourselves into situations where we feel we can't just do whatever we want because we are grown-ups and understand that our choices affect more than ourselves. People may say Oh you have a choice, but sometimes it really feels like we don't want to make the choices that might be best or most comfortable for ourselves because it's not just ourselves we are considering. And I do believe there is some social conditioning at play where we are taught, esp as girls and women, to choose for others over ourselves. We have to balance mothering, being "good daughters" and wives, and self-care. It's tough. 

All that to say, (((PeachyDoodle))). 

[HS Mom in NC]

We moved across the country in May.  My husband has always wanted to live in a temperate zone, and we need a tech city with a low cost of living, so Raleigh it is. I've always liked the idea but I had a lot of local family that I do things with all the time.  We waited until after my husband's only sibling died after an 11 year battle with cancer last fall so he could spend as much time with her as possible before we moved.  We moved our oldest daughter and her fiance to a city an 8 hour drive away from our new location for her new job and we're moving our middle daughter and her husband 30 minutes away from us in 3 weeks.  

I have a complicated family situation with my parents' divorces and remarriage.  None of them has ever been easy to deal with, but after another major family crisis a couple of years ago, it brought out the worst in some and the best in a couple...again. A family friend has a professional skill set that is applicable, so we all agreed to have her involved.  She was shocked at how controlling and difficult many of them were, so she was sympathetic to those of us who weren't.  Frankly, I'm tired of babysitting adults.  My husband sometimes asks me, "Do you feel like an island of sanity in a sea of crazy?"  Yes. I think I'm just too old at 45 to put up with it anymore, especially the stereo-typical Baby Boomers who are increasingly unreasonable and overbearing, because yes, it can always get worse. Any intervention on my part from here on out is going to be on my terms since my bio brother and I have to do the heavy lifting anyway. Distance creates a nice buffer only to be crossed when absolutely necessary.

Part of me wants my bio brother here where he would love it and we could go back to doing things together all the time, part of me is glad he's there in case of another crisis, but I feel bad that he's going to be the one handling the day to day crazy.  I wish he'd set up stronger boundaries, but it's not his personality.  My cousin moved here 15 years ago in part to accomplish the same thing, so we've been able to briefly commiserate on that. Her mother in particular wants her to drop everything and fly back and cousin wants her parents to relocate here now that her mother is getting medically worse. Son in law has a mentally ill mother who is really hard to deal with, so he's thrilled to put some distance between them for a while, though he plans to move her here after her marriage self-destructs (it's in process right now) and step-dad who raised him gets fed up with it, and when she isn't able to fully care for herself. 

My husband is a computer programmer.  My son in law is a computer programmer.  My middle daughter is especially talented at organizing information and coordinating complex interconnected projects, so this is a good location for them for work too. My husband works from home for the same company in AZ, but tech companies can fold so we're in a tech city as a back up plan. Son in law is working for my husband during the transition so they can each can spend some time looking for a really great jobs here without falling behind financially.  We're all outdoorsy so PHX was a bad fit.  We all want year round local outdoor opportunities. Real estate in PHX is nuts and prices burst and bubble, which isn't something any of us want any part of again. It's bubbling again now. Also, people don't want to admit this, but parts of the West are dying and that will have serious implications economically unless the climate dramatically changes soon.

[Arcadia]

23 hours ago, PeachyDoodle said:

.. And I feel taken for granted at lot of the time. I am constantly called upon to help with family things. My sister lives in a large city several hundred miles away and does whatever she feels like doing. If she comes home, we're all supposed to drop everything and visit with her. If she needs anything, my parents drop it all and go flying to her side. To be fair, this is mostly driven by my parents, not my sister. And it's not like my parents never do anything for me. They do. But having to be the one always there for everyone while my sister flits in and out as she pleases because she's "so busy" and has "so many important things to do" is wearing on me.

 

That is what made my husband choose our first home the furthest distance possible from his parents so it became a very long bus ride or drive. Then it was still too close because his parents expect him to take the long bus ride to their home to help. So we move across the Pacific Ocean to the US. Pay and benefits are better but the driving force was being as far as possible. His parents still call him past midnight for help which gives our kids a bad impression because the talking woke them up. His parents unfortunately didn’t help us though so our kids view is that it is a very take and no give relationship. My husband is flying to a conference in his hometown and his parents shopping list fills up more than two check in luggage. His siblings are the favorites of his parents so he gets all the “work requests”. 

[Teacher Mom]

Well, I fell in love with a guy in a uniform and was a military wife for over 20 years. We moved every 2-3 years because we had to. When he retired, we were shocked that it was not easy to find a job anywhere outside government work. We took the one job he was offered after months of searching and ended up in rural VA. It is beautiful but I miss my Deep South culture badly.  So badly, that on hearing the guy who fixed my garage door speak, I knew that he was from near where I grew up. I invited him to lunch and he, my husband, and I had a great time "talking home." I cried my heart out for the rest of the day. 

We send money to our parents because, over the years, that became our way to help. The closeness is no longer there; we are the outsiders of the family. They see our leaving and staying gone as a choice; we see it as the price of liking to eat and pay our bills. You can't help it when your vacation is suddenly cancelled in the military. You also have to take the job you are offered that will feed and house your family. 

 

 

[Catwoman]

3 hours ago, PeachyDoodle said:

Yes, all this is true. I don't blame my sister. I don't even really blame my parents; they're not mean or demanding or busybodies or anything like that. We all have a generally good relationship. They probably would be shocked if I told them any of this, to be honest. I suppose I feel as though I didn't have the choices she had when I was younger because of expectations I felt from my parents (or lack thereof?), and I don't have them now because of the effect it would have on the kids.

Moving is not my ideal. Although if it's what we end up needing to do for financial reasons, I would be okay with it. I don't think opening ourselves up to additional job opportunities is a bad thing, but I know the kids would have a hard time with it. In a few years, when they're launched, maybe I'd have more options. Of course, by that point, my parents will be in their late 70's and more likely to actually need me.

I am not entirely sure what boundaries I would need should we end up staying. I guess I just need to work through my feelings, and that's part of what this thread is about.

Thanks for your perspective.

 

Before you make a huge decision to move away, I think you should sit down with your parents and tell them how you feel about your sister being treated as the golden child. If you don’t tell them it upsets you, they can never try to explain themselves to you. 

Have you ever considered that because they see you all the time, maybe they assume you know you’re the favorite and they assume you know how much they appreciate all you do for them? Could they fawn over your sister, not because because she’s the favorite, but because they feel they have to do it in order to have any relationship at all with her? Maybe they are trying to feel closer to her, and she’s not very responsive, so they keep trying harder? And maybe your mom regrets that she didn’t do all of the wedding stuff with you, so she’s trying to make up for that by being there for your sister? Your mom is older now than she was when you got married, and maybe she’s a lot more sentimental now than she used to be.

I could be totally off-base with this entire post, but I would hate to see you always feeling resentful and like you’re second best in your parents eyes, when that may not be the case at all. If you don’t talk to them about it, you will never know — and some day (hopefully many, many years from now) when it’s too late, you may regret not having been open with them about your feelings.

[ktgrok]

On 7/10/2018 at 11:18 AM, PeachyDoodle said:

...what made you decide to do it?

I have lived in the same town my whole life. DH has lived here his whole life too. Our parents, grandparents, extended family are here. We don't have a wide social circle, but that's here too, of course.

We have never considered living anywhere else. But the constant nearness of family is starting to feel like more of a burden than a benefit. We've been married 18 years. 10 of those we spent living in my grandparents' home (after they passed away), next door to my aunt and uncle. That ended badly. Last year, we bought the home I grew up in. That was not really my preference, but it was the most practical decision for a number of reasons. We see at least one person from my side of the family every day.

I love them. DH loves them. The kids definitely love them. But I am starting to feel as if I will always live in a fish bowl. And I feel taken for granted at lot of the time. I am constantly called upon to help with family things. My sister lives in a large city several hundred miles away and does whatever she feels like doing. If she comes home, we're all supposed to drop everything and visit with her. If she needs anything, my parents drop it all and go flying to her side. To be fair, this is mostly driven by my parents, not my sister. And it's not like my parents never do anything for me. They do. But having to be the one always there for everyone while my sister flits in and out as she pleases because she's "so busy" and has "so many important things to do" is wearing on me.

And I know this is just going to get worse as my parents age. They are in their mid-60's and in good health. But they aren't getting any younger and I feel like I don't have the option of saying, "I want my own life." Out of the three of us, I'm the only one left here (our other sister is dead).

DH has been laid off again for the third time in 5 years. If we're going to make a move, now would be the time to do it. We have never seriously considered it, but we are now. I know my parents will be sad. I know the kids will be sad. But there's a part of me that just wants to say screw it and do what I want for a change.

Sigh. I'm really just venting here, but if anybody has any advice, chime in.

Is his field one where in a few years if you change your mind you could come back? That would be the deciding factor for me. If you could always come back again later, then head give it a shot.

[Twolittleboys]

Like others have said, there are pros and cons and whether/how relationships would change is unknown.

I would sit down and take a good look at other aspects of a possible move:
What climate do you like? Do you like it where you live now or are you looking for something else?
What about cost of living? What would/could you do with your current house? Sell it/rent it?
What about homeschooling/school? How does your current home compare to other parts of the country?
How about religion/values? Do you feel happy where you are now or would you like someplace more liberal/more conservative?
Are you open to moving overseas?
And so on...

Then I would look at the list and come up with possible areas to move to. If nothing calls to you or if you are basically looking for something close to what you have now, I might consider staying/moving just a couple of hours away. If you now live in a small town in the middle of the country and you have always wanted to live in a liberal, rainy area near the ocean moving may be the answer(or the other way around). Obviously both you and dh have to look at all the factors. That might help you to see if you really want to move to another place or just away from where you are now. 

Then consider the cost:
Are you an introvert or an extrovert? How easy/difficult do you find it to make new friends? I do understand that living close to everyone can be suffocating but moving away can be lonely.
How much help do you currently get from family/friends/community (e.g. babysitting)? How much help would you get if you needed it (let's say your dh can't find a job or you get sick etc.)?

This kind of looks like I am trying to discourage you from moving, but I actually am all for new adventures etc. I just think it generally turns out better if the move is made towards something (new opportunity, great job, better schools etc.) than away from something.

 

[ktgrok]

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

Before you make a huge decision to move away, I think you should sit down with your parents and tell them how you feel about your sister being treated as the golden child. If you don’t tell them it upsets you, they can never try to explain themselves to you. 

Have you ever considered that because they see you all the time, maybe they assume you know you’re the favorite and they assume you know how much they appreciate all you do for them? Could they fawn over your sister, not because because she’s the favorite, but because they feel they have to do it in order to have any relationship at all with her? Maybe they are trying to feel closer to her, and she’s not very responsive, so they keep trying harder? And maybe your mom regrets that she didn’t do all of the wedding stuff with you, so she’s trying to make up for that by being there for your sister? Your mom is older now than she was when you got married, and maybe she’s a lot more sentimental now than she used to be.

I could be totally off-base with this entire post, but I would hate to see you always feeling resentful and like you’re second best in your parents eyes, when that may not be the case at all. If you don’t talk to them about it, you will never know — and some day (hopefully many, many years from now) when it’s too late, you may regret not having been open with them about your feelings.

So true. My mom has all this angst about not spending enough time with me as a teen, like she did my sister, but I didn't want her to! I can see the opposite happening in another family. 

[ktgrok]

Oh, and if you move, consider cost of flights, etc to get back home. We looked at the Durham area specifically because there are super cheap flights from there to here and back, so we could afford to visit family or fly them to visit us. 

[PeachyDoodle]

1 hour ago, Ktgrok said:

Is his field one where in a few years if you change your mind you could come back? That would be the deciding factor for me. If you could always come back again later, then head give it a shot.

Yes, I think so. His skills translate across a number of industries. But given the difficulty he's having at the moment, it could be trickier than I think.

1 hour ago, Catwoman said:

Before you make a huge decision to move away, I think you should sit down with your parents and tell them how you feel about your sister being treated as the golden child. If you don’t tell them it upsets you, they can never try to explain themselves to you. 

Have you ever considered that because they see you all the time, maybe they assume you know you’re the favorite and they assume you know how much they appreciate all you do for them? Could they fawn over your sister, not because because she’s the favorite, but because they feel they have to do it in order to have any relationship at all with her? Maybe they are trying to feel closer to her, and she’s not very responsive, so they keep trying harder? And maybe your mom regrets that she didn’t do all of the wedding stuff with you, so she’s trying to make up for that by being there for your sister? Your mom is older now than she was when you got married, and maybe she’s a lot more sentimental now than she used to be.

I could be totally off-base with this entire post, but I would hate to see you always feeling resentful and like you’re second best in your parents eyes, when that may not be the case at all. If you don’t talk to them about it, you will never know — and some day (hopefully many, many years from now) when it’s too late, you may regret not having been open with them about your feelings.

To the bolded: this is possible, yes. Maybe even likely? I don't know. She's not unresponsive exactly; she calls at least weekly and talks to one or both of them. She's the type that never forgets a birthday, etc. -- although at times that can feel a little like we're just part of her broader social/professional network. She comes home for the holidays, we all vacation together most summers, she generally visits once every couple of months at least. She's several hours away but doesn't seem to mind the drive. She complains that we all don't visit her as often, but given that she doesn't have kids, has by far the most flexibility of any of us as to where/when she works, and has a free place to stay here anytime she wants, that's more a matter of practicality (we do visit, just not as often as she comes here).

But I could see how my parents might feel that they have to work harder to maintain a relationship with her. She's always been the type that would pull away if things didn't go her way; as a result, they were always much more lenient with her and very strict on me. I don't mean so much in the sense of material things, but just that her relationships always have to be on her terms. I think they always knew she would be the one to really fly the nest and they were terrified she wouldn't come back at all. It has been an issue between my parents and me for decades, although it's been dormant for a number of years.

Her curfews were always later than mine, even though she's six years younger. Years ago, but after we were grown, I said something to my Mom about that, and she said, "Well, but that was always important to Sister. It didn't seem that important to you so we didn't see any reason to raise it." Translation: You didn't argue enough so we didn't see any need to give you more freedom. Whereas I would have liked to have been given permission to (e.g.) stay out later because I thought the rules had meaning and I was supposed to follow them for a reason. So I thought it was in my own best interest to (e.g.) be home by 10pm. I didn't know it was *okay* to ask for a later curfew because they said 10pm.

It would be like if my dd said, "How many cookies can I have?" And I said, "Two." And then 10 minutes later, my ds comes in and says, "Hey, I'm getting four cookies, okay?" And I'm like, "Yeah, cool." And if my dd complained, just be like, "Oh, I didn't know you wanted four. You should have said something." Because my "two cookie rule" was completely arbitrary, but since she's a good little rule-follower and assumed it was set that way because it was *the right thing*, she didn't press it.

Cookies and curfews aren't really the point, of course, they're just illustrative ways of saying that if I'd known I had options, I would have taken them. I was afraid of doing whatever I wanted because I thought there was a line I wasn't supposed to cross. And it's still the same now, only I feel like I'm hemmed in by other people's needs and now I really *don't* have many options.

So I wonder what would have happened had we just pushed back on those kinds of things and made our own path. I never felt that I had the freedom to do that. There was only one *right* path and I had to take it. I realize that some (all?) of that's on me, and I have to deal with it. Which is what all the rambling's about here. ? Sorry, Cat, it wasn't all directed at you, just a good jumping-off point! I appreciate the help working through it.

Maybe it's really not that they're afraid to speak up but that they don't care as much about either of our decisions as I thought they did. Maybe they would have allowed me a lot more autonomy had I taken it instead of waiting for permission to be my own person. But it sure felt like they would be insurmountably disappointed in me if I made one false move. Now I'm stuck in this pattern of caring a whole lot about doing something "wrong" and disappointing them and that's why I wonder if I'd just be better off being away from them. Maybe it's not them, it's me. My sister can make her own decisions and not care if she disappoints them. They don't even know what city she's in half the time.  I have to look them in the eye every day, and they know everything I'm doing. I constantly feel like I have to justify myself.

I do think my mom especially has some regrets about the way she handled things with me growing up. She is definitely in a different place now: she had two still at home when I married and now she's been an empty-nester for over 10 years. Financially they are *much* better off. And the loss of my youngest sister impacted her greatly. So I get that. I do. I still mourn what I missed out on though.

I know I should talk to my parents. It would be the fair thing to do. I'm just not sure I can. Clearly I can't even articulate my own issues. I'm not even sure I know what they are. And I'm not sure what they would have to say to put me at ease anyway.

[Garga]

On 7/10/2018 at 12:26 PM, PeachyDoodle said:

Yeah, we would want to come back in a couple of years I think. But we are on the cusp of that time period with our kids where they may not want to come back when dh and I are ready. Right now they would hate it. Like, I think we would have a borderline mutiny if we told them we were moving away. DS especially is very close to my parents and would be heartbroken. That is the biggest thing honestly, and it would just about be enough to make me nix the idea all on its own. I love that he has that relationship with his grandparents. I don't want him to lose that. 

And of course there's the employment factor -- would dh be able to find another job here when he wanted it, and all that. 

My sister is getting married next month, and I'm sure a lot of my feelings are related to that. As usual, she does whatever she wants, while everybody else falls all over themselves to make her feel special. My parents did pay for our very simple wedding, and I was grateful for that at the time (still am). But nobody lifted a finger to help me with it. At the time, I'd attended exactly two weddings in my entire life, one when I was 5. My mother couldn't even be bothered to give her opinion on the flowers. ("It's your wedding," she said. Well, duh, but I asked because I would have liked some input. From my mother. My sister's flower budget is more than my entire wedding.) She didn't go with me to pick out a dress (she's not only been to all my sister's appointments and fittings, she's scheduled them) and when she saw it, she said it looked "nice." 

I feel invisible here. At least somewhere else I could be invisible without being with people who I expect (hope) will notice me.

I'm almost 40. Maybe I'm having a midlife crisis, LOL.

 

 

 

2 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

Before you make a huge decision to move away, I think you should sit down with your parents and tell them how you feel about your sister being treated as the golden child. If you don’t tell them it upsets you, they can never try to explain themselves to you. 

Have you ever considered that because they see you all the time, maybe they assume you know you’re the favorite and they assume you know how much they appreciate all you do for them? Could they fawn over your sister, not because because she’s the favorite, but because they feel they have to do it in order to have any relationship at all with her? Maybe they are trying to feel closer to her, and she’s not very responsive, so they keep trying harder? And maybe your mom regrets that she didn’t do all of the wedding stuff with you, so she’s trying to make up for that by being there for your sister? Your mom is older now than she was when you got married, and maybe she’s a lot more sentimental now than she used to be.

I could be totally off-base with this entire post, but I would hate to see you always feeling resentful and like you’re second best in your parents eyes, when that may not be the case at all. If you don’t talk to them about it, you will never know — and some day (hopefully many, many years from now) when it’s too late, you may regret not having been open with them about your feelings.

I was going to say the exact same thing.  They see you every day (well, many days), so you are constantly given their love.  They see your sister only once in a while, so they have to pack in their love to her in just those few days.  And for the wedding—I 100% am on the same page as Catwoman in thinking your mother realized she should have done a better job with you and she’s determined not to make the same mistake twice.  We could be misreading the relationship, but that’s what popped into my mind when I read your post.

 

My parents moved away when I was 21 years old.  They came back for 3 years when I was around 30, then they moved away again (2000 miles away the first time, 2500 miles the second time.). So, from the time I was 21 until now, I’ve lived away from them for 21 years.  They were my only family.  My mom’s family all lived in California and my dad’s family all lived in Colorado (I’m in PA). Those family members are utter strangers to me.  So when my parents left, my entire family left.  

In those 21 years, (not counting the 3 years they lived nearby when I was around 30) we have seen them 8 times.  It costs $2000 in airline fees and car rentals for us to see them, and they’re not able to travel anymore, so it’s up to us to get there. 

I just got back from visiting them two weeks ago, and I have to say that this last time more than ever brought home to me just how little I know about them after 21 years apart.  We rarely call each other at this point, so that probably has a lot to do with it, but they’re much like strangers to me.  They’re a lot of fun, but our lives are completely separate.  We just don’t know each other.  My kids love spending time with them, but my kids have only seen them 6 times in their lives (the kids are 15 and 13.). There’s not really a relationship there.  The grandparents are some fun, quirky people we see every few years, but they’re not grandparents the way one thinks of grandparents.  They’re just those zany people that we hang out with every few years for a week or two.

I live near a few in-laws:  MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL, and two nephews.  Six people, that’s it.  We don’t see them much either, but it’s at least 8 times a year (all the major holidays and a few birthdays throughout the year.). My DH does pop over to his parents house every week or two.  I’m not as close to them, so I often stay home.  (They ask DH for computer help and stuff like that and he helps them.)

So...pros:

Yes, I live a life very much my own.  We make our own decisions and there are almost no obligations to anyone.  As an introvert, this is great!

Cons:

The relationships will change and you will somewhat lose your family.  Your kids will lose them more than you do.  You have 40 years of backhistory to maintain the relationship with your family.  Your kids only have 13 and 7 years of backhistory.  

 

I have to say that I get a hitch of longing in my heart when I think of what you have: family all around that takes care of each other and visits each other and kids who have actual cousins that play together and grandparents that spoil the kids, etc.  I have longed for that my whole life.  

Yet...I’m introverted and realize that all of that is overbearing and intrusive.  I wouldn’t like that and would probably end up feeling as you do—that I want to be my own person in control of my own time.

It’s a hard choice.  And as much as I’m romanticizing having a welcoming family around me, I wonder if you’re romanticizing being all alone.  

There really are pros and cons to each.  And you’ll need to choose which set of cons you’re willing to live with.  You will lose the relationships you have with your family.  You just will.  You will grow apart. Your kids may lose the relationship in a more permanent way than you will.  

But you will gain freedom and control over your time.  Absolutely.  

You’ll have to pick which set of cons you most want to deal with.  

[Jaybee]

I was the one who moved away. Not for the sake of moving away, but that is where our future was. From that viewpoint, it was so hard when I had babies, to try to talk to my mom about them, only to have her tell me all about my sister's babies. I was always hearing about this one or that one, and felt like she couldn't connect with what was going on in our lives. Then I find out many years later, that to the close siblings, she always talked about us. Oh, well. So it is possible that your parents take your closeness for granted; not in a bad way, but in a trusting way. They "know" you'll be there.

We lived away for so many years, then back again for a couple of years, but a couple of hours away--not in the same town. And then we had to move away again to follow a job. I wonder sometimes how I would handle being able to live near my adult kids; I don't know how that works, because we were not able to do it. But I'd like to try. I know we would be busier, because we have carved out a simple and uncomplicated lifestyle over the years, in part because we are not physically checking in on family. I do get lonely for our families sometimes. Life goes on for them, and we aren't there. There are certainly pros and cons to both. 

[KungFuPanda]

I grew up in the fish bowl. It’s nice for little kids but a bit invasive for teens and young adults. I moved early on. I enjoy my family when I make the 5 hour drive to visit, but I’m so glad to be away from the daily drama. My life is saner and calmer away from my home town. 

Now’s your chance. If your Dh can find a job elsewhere, you can jump. Ideally you move when your kids are late elementary aged then you can return when they’re off to college. Moving teenagers is to be avoided at all cost. 

[PeachyDoodle]

Well, dh got invited to Charleston, SC for a job interview.

Stuff just suddenly got real...  ?

[Chris in VA]

I read your latest long post and so much jumped out at me, but I only have a second. Just wanted to send a hug again. 

And perhaps say that you are doing some hard introspection, and kudos to you for that--that is Good Work, and I hope, as you discover more of who you are, you remember always that you have worth and value, and your thoughts and opinions and preferences matter. Remember, too, that your parents have continued to grow and evolve as they have aged, just like you--the mother you had is not the mother your sister had, because 6 years difference is a lot, and you need to allow that growth in your mom (and I know you would want that allowance yourself, in the future, when your own kids say You never let ME do that! and so on). ❤️

[TABmom]

We moved because of dh's job. My sister lives 6 blocks from my parents and maybe 4 blocks from the retirement home my grandparents are in. Yes, she does stuff for them all the time. Yes, that is probably annoying sometimes. But she also has people to do stuff for her. My parents babysit all the time. She and her husband get date nights. She volunteers and goes to bible study and basically whatever she wants because she always has free childcare. My nephews see their family almost every day. We spend a couple weeks each year with my parents and my parents come here for a week at a time a couple times a year. (and those weeks that my parents are here really throw her for a loop) We're not there for the day to day stuff. My kids love their grandparents, but they will never be as close to them as my nephews. I'm happy with our lives. We live in a much better place than they do. My kids have many more opportunities than they have. It's a trade off for sure. We are only about an hour away from dh's family, but his parents aren't exactly the lovable and supportive people that mine are. But they do have many more cousins on dh's side and I am thankful that they will grow up close to some cousins.