Have you ever reached a point...

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

...where you just feel like you can no longer try to ignore the philosophical and political differences of friends when they're diametrically opposed to yours? I clicked through the FB profile of a friend of a friend the other day, thinking, "Hey, she lives pretty close, I wonder if I know her, maybe I should reach out!" And I landed in a pile of posts that support and laud causes and mindsets that I want no part of. And I could see my friend's reactions to those causes and mindsets, and now I don't know how I can face her when I see her :( I knew her general bent, but I didn't know the details. Now I do.

 

And I just posted my first refutation of another friend's anti-vax scare article posting. I tried so hard to be polite and neutral in my comment, but I did post a link that explains more to think about (a Snopes link that makes very salient points questioning the validity of the scare article). 

 

I've been feeling for awhile like I'm having a hard time smiling and nodding when controversial topics come up. How do I keep doing it and keep my mouth shut when I strongly disagree with the views being espoused? Some things make me look at the friend who's talking in a very different light :(

 

Ugh. I hate FB! I wish I didn't know some of this stuff. 

 

ETA: And now I'm reading the responses to my post. Clearly, not one person replying has read the link I posted, but they have all read the scare article  :banghead:

Edited August 8, 2017 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[Amy in NH]

I unfriended a bunch of people late last fall. One or two are angry about it irl, a couple have tried to refriend me, and overall I feel like I made the right decision.

[zoobie]

Yeah. There was some really awful anti-Muslim sentiment that completely soured me from some baseball parent acquaintances a couple of years ago. Then the election and, well, it got worse. We didn't really have anything in common anyway, but no chit chat is worth that. I won't even go to one of their businesses I used to like and recommend. Ugh.

 

On one hand I hate it, but on the other, I would never have known how awful they were.

[creekland]

I haven't reached that point, but I'm not on FB so that probably helps.  I don't think folks tend to be as tactless when discussing things IRL.

 

I have had to tell one of our friends to quit forwarding us various e-mails and pics because their views clearly weren't the same as ours.  They quit.  The friendship remains.

[JustEm]

Yes, I've reached that point and have happily ended friendships over certain things. Anti-vax sentiment won't do it but hateful things does often. I have never felt the need to justify my decision to end a friendship

[SquirrellyMama]

 

 

Usually, if I say something I do it through messenger or email so it isn't public. I don't want to embarrass them. And, I think on FB there are so many people who will come to defend them that it hinders them hearing what I'm saying.

 

Kelly

[Mimm]

I hate Facebook because of this. I'm generally not someone who thinks that things were better in some kind of mythical past, but this part of our social interactions was better, before we knew all the details of people's opinions on every little topic. You got to know people more face to face when they're interacting with you and are more likely to be kind. Instead, we get to know a checklist of views some of which are bound to make us unhappy because there's no one you agree with on every little thing. I friended someone on Facebook recently and scrolled back on her wall several months to the election season was very... illuminating. Instead of getting to know her face to face, asking about her ideas and hearing how she actually felt about them, I have a bunch of articles she liked and shared. These aren't even her own words, her own ideas. Maybe she just liked one part of them or thought they brought up some interesting points. Or maybe she agrees with every word. I don't know, how can I? I didn't talk to her about them. I could sit down and say "You posted this article six months ago. Can you tell me what exactly you agreed and disagreed with? Because one or two parts are deal breakers, but the rest, I can live with." But that seems a little super weird. ;)

 

I've never cut someone off for their political views. I still have a relationship with parents who say racist and homophobic things (mostly as "jokes"), so apparently I have a high tolerance for people with crappy opinions.

[Guest]

Yes but since I have more control over fb than irl, it usually happens irl.

 

Like no I can't have more than one conversation arguing that drug use shouldn't be a capital offense! One is really too many.

 

Likewise if you voice that you think im personally responsible for a hole in the ozone layer because I have three kids and you have just the two replacement kids (puke) but live in a bajillion sq ft house, we can not be frans.

 

Yes, if course there are friendship deal breakers.

[OH_Homeschooler]

I unfollow people who are annoying, and I don't use FB much except to post pictures of kids so my parents can see them, or to wish people a happy birthday.

 

I remember before the election someone posted some fake news about voter fraud. I shared a Snopes link refuting her claim, and she said Snopes was just liberal trash/fake news. I asked her to provide evidence for her claim and she swore she saw it somewhere but never came back to share as promised. That's about when I realized there was no reasoning with anyone on FB. Once you come to that conclusion, life gets a lot easier!  :lol:

 

I treat FB like the holiday dinner table, because that's essentially what it is for me...older relatives I don't want to offend. I don't share insights beyond "Nice weather we're having," and just nod and bite my tongue until I can escape.

[importswim]

This is why I got of FB. Well, reason number one, there were other reasons too.

 

I didn't need to know every minute detail of everyone's political beliefs. I also had a hard time reconciling the vehemence that seemed to spew out online vs. in person. It was changing my views of friends and I decided that the head in the sand approach was the best way to go for me to preserve my sanity.

[JessReplanted]

Unless it's hate rhetoric, I just agree to disagree.

A person is more than the sum total of their political posts on FB. While I'm not interested in anyone trying to force their opinions on me, I do want to have people in my life who see and experience the world differently than I do.

[TravelingChris]

I considered it late this fall and winter, it has died down somewhat.  I am friends with people of differing, very differing political views.  Most of my friends who are the opposite view from me post mild articles, if any, like non inflammatory news articles from whatever site. Then I have some other 'friends' (more like acquaintances from my high school class or college dorm) who post some outrageous stuff.  Those are the ones I considered removing as friends.  But then I decided that I don't agree with any of the inflammatory stuff, but it is wise to know what others think.  And regardless of those posts, we usually have a common other interest like gardening, our faith, our similarly aged kids doing similar things, our travels or something else there.  

 

I have one friend who regularly posts out-there stuff medically.  (Anti vacc,  Mercola junk, etc) plus she sells oils,  I usually ignore those though sometimes I do research and tell her my findings.  She doesn't seem to mind that.  She reposts a tremendous amount of stuff and I guess she doesn't read a lot of it.  Like one thing, she reposted had to do with some vitamin injection issues,  Well considering I do take some vitamins as prescribed by my doctors, I decided to check out what the FDA did do.  (The FDA is the boogeyman in many, many of these posts).  It turned out that the action that was made to seem like it just happened, actually happened in 2008 and had to do with improper safety at a manufacturing plant.  So it wasn't new and it wasn't anti- vitamin. And not only that, I found out that federally funded research has been looking into that particular vitamin issue and has found favorable results though not final.  

[DawnM]

There are many I did not un-friend last Fall.  I am part of several networks of people and it isn't as easy to just un-friend and never see them again.   So, I hide their statuses and happily move on, not completely cutting them out of my life, but enjoying not dealing with it.

 

I did un-frend two local ladies, but that had nothing to do with politics

[fairfarmhand]

I hate Facebook because of this. I'm generally not someone who thinks that things were better in some kind of mythical past, but this part of our social interactions was better, before we knew all the details of people's opinions on every little topic. You got to know people more face to face when they're interacting with you and are more likely to be kind. Instead, we get to know a checklist of views some of which are bound to make us unhappy because there's no one you agree with on every little thing. I friended someone on Facebook recently and scrolled back on her wall several months to the election season was very... illuminating. Instead of getting to know her face to face, asking about her ideas and hearing how she actually felt about them, I have a bunch of articles she liked and shared. These aren't even her own words, her own ideas. Maybe she just liked one part of them or thought they brought up some interesting points. Or maybe she agrees with every word. I don't know, how can I? I didn't talk to her about them. I could sit down and say "You posted this article six months ago. Can you tell me what exactly you agreed and disagreed with? Because one or two parts are deal breakers, but the rest, I can live with." But that seems a little super weird. ;)

 

I've never cut someone off for their political views. I still have a relationship with parents who say racist and homophobic things (mostly as "jokes"), so apparently I have a high tolerance for people with crappy opinions.

 

Yes. This is why I don't do facebook any more. That whole Don't discuss religion and politics in polite society doesn't seem to apply there.

 

[Bluegoat]

I guess this could happen, but so far it hasn't.  

 

But I suppose that the more significant dissimilarities you have with someone, the more difficult it is to be close friends with them.  Friends being people that you share a way of thinking with.

 

But I have people I interact with in other ways - family, people I know from work or church, go to a club with - where that relationship doesn't have much to do with a similar way of thinking about things.

 

I've had a few people who share things on FB that make me think about them differently, or I realized they were different in some way than I had assumed.  My uncle who I thought of as fairly politically left, I realized is really on the right although he believes all the proper "progressive' things.  Another friend who I thought of as supremely logical but isn't.  

[bettyandbob]

I hide people so they don't show up in my feed.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Thanks everyone. I'm calmer now :lol: And I'm trying not to think about it so much. I really was spending so much less time on FB before the spring, which is when my high school planning and shopping really ramped up. I joined several new groups as a result, and suddenly I found that I've been sucked back into the whole FB sphere. I really need to back off again.

 

I hide people so they don't show up in my feed.

 

I forgot my self-imposed rule: One controversial post that ticks me off and I unfollow. This was someone who's not really terribly controversial, and I usually like seeing her posts and updates, but this one got under my skin because of the immediately obvious flaws in the argument  and problems with the source (obvious to someone who's looking past the surface, I guess). I've now unfollowed her and will check in occasionally instead *sigh* I think I'm pretty much down to just my family members now. I'll count myself lucky that I can even have THEM in my feed :lol:

Edited August 8, 2017 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[sassenach]

My recommendation is to deactivate your FB account for a few months and see how you feel. When I did that the first time, it helped me to clarify what I wanted to use FB for. For me, it's keeping up with people that I don't live near. So I unfriended everyone I see on a regular basis. I still deactivate for months at a time, but FB is mostly enjoyable again.

[Carol in Cal.]

What I hate is seeing how people treat each other, when they are self-indulgent enough to blast someone else online in a way that they would never do in person.

[gardenmom5]

we reached this point with one of dh's nephews.  he is VERY in your face obnoxious about his positions on things.  he lives for the arguments, and no respect for anyone else.   (i think that's a contributing reason to why his exwife divorced him. she's a lawyer.)

 

even 2dd - who is one of the most easy going/gets along with everyone, refused to invite him to her wedding.

[BarbecueMom]

I don't do facebook and I don't have many friends lol. Makes things simpler that way lol.

Same, and really hard to make new friends. I suspect most people want to do a "background check" on your Facebook page before getting to know you further, because that seems to be the first step around here. Without a FB page, I never make it past that round.

 

Sucks for my kids, because they aren't making many friends when their parents can't verify me as a "safe person" based on posted snippets from the past several years. Because I don't/won't have those.

Edited August 8, 2017 by BarbecueMom

[JumpyTheFrog]

Each month I am more glad DH and I aren't on Facebook. We don't need all the drama. If I had to constantly read everyone's dumb and/or uninformed opinion about everything I'd never want to be friends with anyone. It sounds almost like being able to read people's minds as they walk down the street. Nobody would ever have any friends if they always knew what everyone thought.

[Lady Florida.]

Fortunately most of my friends are like-minded. I have a few who are anti-vax and/or New Age-y but for the most part we're politically, scientifically, and religiously (or lack thereof) aligned. Extended family is a different story. Rather than unfriend and cause problems I just unfollowed those relatives so I don't have to see their stuff.

 

There were a few old homeschool acquaintances from years back who I unfriended after last November, but we had already drifted apart IRL so I didn't feel bad about that. They probably would have unfriended me eventually anyway.

[SKL]

I'm selective about my friends to begin with, and I unfollow people who just annoy me too much.  (Though that is more likely to be due to constant vaguebooking - I just don't have the time nor the mental energy for that.)

 

I have one friend who is my opposite politically, but I think she is a good person, so I am pretty good at ignoring her nutso posts.  I do hide them so I don't have to keep seeing the same ones or from the same sources.  But I still want to see her.

 

Then there is another "friend" - I don't think we've met IRL - her political posts make me lose respect for her, and I've pretty much lost interest in her posts.  Even the ones about her kids.  Meh.  If I need to do a purge soon, I think she will be a casualty.

 

Another "friend" was unfriended after she crossed a line.  I don't want to see that any more, and since there is no option to respond any other way, she is off my news feed.  I'm pretty sure this bothers her as much as it bothers me - i.e. not at all.

[heartlikealion]

I don't know. It depends how often these topics actually come up in conversation I guess?? If I was friends with someone in real life and we didn't talk politics in person, I would probably just unfollow them online and see if that helped.

 

Dh discovered our neighbors blocked him on FB. I was never friends with the husband. He did not block me. But I was friends with the wife and now she's missing and I cannot find her. So she either blocked me or deleted her FB account. Now we just feel weird. She did work for dh for a while, maybe she hated him as a boss? lol. But he brought over some homemade preserves with ds the other day and they were invited in and chatted with the husband and oldest child for a good bit.

 

I think outright defriending people is awkward. When they notice it's like, "what did I do??"

[nixpix5]

I stay completely away from Facebook for this reason. I have some good friends that share my views and we can talk even if we have some minor differences. I have other friends I adore and respect and we don't always see eye to eye. We just don't go there. I don't like them less. I still think they are good people. I believe everyone has a unique back story and experiences that brought them to where they are. If someone asks me point blank about a stance I have, I will share it in a measured way. I stay open to hearing why they believe the way they do and I don't sit there the entire time trying to formulate a counter argument. Sometimes people haven't thought of all sides or are missing information. Sometimes they have some traumatic back stories that make them feel in a way that others don't agree with. That person needs more friends, not less who can gently provide another side or they will stew in their group and get worked up. I mean this for both sides. Both sides when going to far over end up in these angry, vicious and rabid states that cause one to not make any sudden movements. Some of this is due to the Internet era. Seeing how people truly think deep down is terrifying. This is why I find it crucial to keep friends from all walks of life. I want to stay in an equilibrium where I don't fall into black and white thinking. Plus I just feel agreeing to disagree and having lively debate without getting emotionally wounded is healthy and necessary for the advancement of society.

Edited August 8, 2017 by nixpix5

[imagine.more]

This is why I don't really do facebook. I have a fake account to keep track of local homeschool groups and events and a select few long distance friends. I lasted less than a year on facebook 3-4 years ago. Then I saw my neighbor, who was a decent neighbor and who we were always friendly with, sharing horribly anti-Catholic articles on her facebook account. I was so upset! I knew she was evangelical nondenom protestant so of course wouldn't agree with Catholic teachings, but these articles were hateful and largely inaccurate. I did not need to know that! I'd have been happy just knowing her as a friendly neighbor who kept her house and lawn nice and didn't have loud parties.

 

So I think if this is a friend in real life that you realize has views totally opposed to yours, it's natural to distance yourself. If it's an acquaintance, I'd try not to let it bug you and unfollow them on facebook for sure.

[Pen]

I'm not an FB, and neither pro nor anti vax would be something that would lead me toward such feelings. But some things do.  We had a huge problem in an irl group activity my ds participated in where some parents who I had regarded as "friends" before came to seem like people I could not be friends with anymore even if the current problem there blows over.

[creekland]

Hubby is my FB liaison.  He shares with me anything the boys post - like, say - middle son posting a pic of his new med school ID today.   :hurray:  That sort of stuff is good enough for me.  (He'll also share posts from mutual friends if he thinks I'd like to see them.  There aren't many...)