Texts at late hours?

[J-rap]

I don't think too much about this either way.  I realize some people do text updates for meetings, etc., in the evenings after their lives are quieter, and maybe the people they're sending it to are already in bed.  That's understandable.  Texting in the middle of the night would be kind of weird either way though.  I sometimes get texts from my kids in the middle of the night when they're on the other side of the world and it's daytime for them.  Also, I get things like UPS notifications, etc., in the middle of the night sometimes saying my package will be out for delivery the next day.  I generally turn off my sound at night, but keep my phone on and next to me.  That way if I wake up during the night, I'll glance at it quickly to make sure I didn't receive anything urgent.  Normally I wouldn't even check, except that I typically have at least one child traveling across the world, and I have elderly parents. 

 

I do know which of my children leave their sounds on at night so know never to text them after they're asleep.  Some of my kids turn off their sound at night though, so I figure it's okay to text them, knowing they'll see it in the morning.  Otherwise I do not text people after 9pm or so.

[ocelotmom]

Everyone who knows me (who would think of me being a person to contact in an emergency) knows that they should try the house phone first followed by my cell phone (the actual phone part) if it is really an emergency.

 

Keep in mind that the person contacting you in a true emergency may be a total stranger calling from a totally strange number (ie. police/hospital staff who have gotten your number as the emergency contact number somehow).

[Pawz4me]

I understand that there are people who cannot turn off notifications because of their unique circumstances. However, with the way society is now, it isn't rude to text at random times. Of course, if you have asked someone not to text between 9pm and 9am and they still do, that is rude. But, at this point, I think people just need to accept that Susie is going to text at 11:30 that she will bring fruit salad to the picnic next week.

 

We'll just have to disagree on that.

 

(And that's okay.)

[ashfern]

A lot of my friends stay up until 2 AM. I am in bed by 11. They will answer texts after I'm in bed. I just turn my volume off. If I needed the phone for emergency calls then I would just turn the text alert volume off and leave the phone volume as is.

[Frosch]

Do people typically text in an emergency? I have not yet had very many real emergencies in my life, but ime people call. When my neighbor went into labor in the middle of the night she called me. When my grandpa died, my aunt called. When my son wanted to come home from a sleepover, the host called. If Dh is urgently needed for work or the military, they call. I am not sure why turning off texts in the middle of the night is not a solution.

 

I understand everyone's situation is different. However, we live in a global 24/7 society now. I don't know that it is fair to characterize texting at a certain time as rude.

 

My son texted me for emergencies.  I was living overseas and I could call him but it was hard for him to call me.  The police were trying to figure out how to call my overseas number so my so texted me the number to call them.  

 

I really wish I could just block people individually.

 

Edited April 10, 2017 by Frosch

[Sneezyone]

Yes.

 

It's rather surprising and disappointing to see this argument repeated by so many on a board devoted to education. It's really nothing more than an ad hominem attack. IMO it's fine if you (generic) don't agree with me. But don't try to imply or outright say that I'm stupid in order to support your position. If that's the best you can do . . . .

 

Many of us really do have very valid reasons for not being able to put our phones on DND or stop notifications from all numbers except just a few. We really do. Whether you (generic) want to believe it or not.

 

There will always be specific and unusual circumstances but social norms are not defined by specific and unusual circumstances. For the vast majority of people, it is possible to establish boundaries and use phone settings that render this issue irrelevant.

[UmMusa]

I've gone through this in my head for a few years now. It started when a friend texted me something random (not urgent) around 11pm and I wondered why she would bother me at a time she knew I'd be in bed.

Slowly I realized that 'I' should be the one managing the controls on my phone rather than be at the mercy of anyone who might text or call when I didn't feel like hearing it. That includes my nap times or rest times during the day too.

I have family all over the world, so texts can come at any hour. It's up to me to set the phone controls to suit my situation.

I do agree with OP about the 'after 9pm rule' and wonder how that rule came to be. My mom passed it to us growing up.

Times are changing!

[LucyStoner]

If our phones rings, we wake up. If they bing, we wake up, if they vibrate, we wake up. If you ring the doorbell, we wake up. And my husband's phone must be on at all times. AF rules. He gets a recall and he doesn't answer, there is trouble. He has seen it.

 

I did not want a JAWM. But I am somewhat shocked that this many people think it is okay. I still think it is rude and honestly self centered. I often think of things late at night. If I have my phone to text, I can email just as easily. (Let's not get into the not everyone had smart phones argument).

 

And honestly, the people that I have dealt with IRL who do send texts that late are pretty self centered and it is all about them. So that is probably a basis for my feelings on this.

Has it occurred to you that email has an alert notification on many people's phone too? Or do you expect people to turn off that notification if it bothers them but not any others?

 

If you text or email me between certain hours, my phone doesn't ping, beep or vibrate unless it's a text from a certain SMALL set of numbers. Email is an increasingly unreliable way to get ahold of people in the under 40 demographic unless it's their work email. I would vastly prefer a text to an email unless you are a client I am billing for my time or the um, yeah that's it. I only read non-client emails about once every 2-3 days.

 

You can still have the phone ring but the texts silent.

 

Make your technology work for you. Don't assume everyone communicates the same way as you or has the same communication norms.

Edited April 10, 2017 by LucyStoner

[LucyStoner]

I can't answer the poll because for the second question, I disagree with all three options.

[Sarah CB]

I think the world is too complicated now to have those kinds of rules. The time zone we live in is 4.5 hours ahead of where most of our family and friends live, so I often get texts overnight. I also send texts when I'm up in the morning, which is still the middle of the night for them.

 

Why don't you just turn your text alerts off in the evening, but leave your ringer on so that if you get an emergency phone call it goes through? I don't like getting a noise alert for texts at all so I leave my text alert off permanently. 

[poppy]

my landline hasn't rung and rung for years.  it goes to vm after five rings - just like my cell.

such nostalgia - I sent a card to a friend that we'd been friends since phones had cords . . .

 

 

why they heck should I have to set a reminder to send a text?   texts are for when phone calls are inconvenient or untimely, to be read at leisure.   they've always been short and quick information sharing and not warranting the detail of an email.

 

If I'm doing a group text and someone doesn't want to be texted except at certain hours - they're not getting texted.

 

the one who texts the most got into texting during grad school - that was how everyone communicated to make sure the messages got out.  the messages could be read when it was convenient for the recipient.  I still get texts asking when is a good time to  call.  or "I'm driving to houston from _ to _ so that's a good time to call me".  and she does prefer  to actually talk to someone while she's long-distance driving because she stays awake and more alert.

 

 

I've had very few true crises from teens/young-adults. (two car accidents) and they always called.

 

You think the purpose of texting is to send at off hours? Why do you think that? This line of reasoning baffles em.

[LucyStoner]

I can't imagine someone thinking that sending a text in an emergency was a good idea.

You never know. I once got a text from my brother that he was in the hospital for emergency surgery.

[poppy]

I understand that there are people who cannot turn off notifications because of their unique circumstances. However, with the way society is now, it isn't rude to text at random times. Of course, if you have asked someone not to text between 9pm and 9am and they still do, that is rude. But, at this point, I think people just need to accept that Susie is going to text at 11:30 that she will bring fruit salad to the picnic next week.

 

Based on poll results, it appears it is NOT "the way society works now".  

[regentrude]

I could not vote because for the second question, there was no "other" option.

I view texts like email. I do not have to respond, or even notice texts.

If you need to keep your phone close while you sleep, you can always set it so that you only hear calls, for emergencies, and turn off the text notification sound.

Edited April 10, 2017 by regentrude

[SparklyUnicorn]

I agree with your friend.  I view texts as e-mail.

 

It's certainly nothing like calling someone in the middle of the night. 

 

 

[regentrude]

Someone with great search & link skills should link that old thread.

 

Texts =/= emails. Emails can be opened at the most convenient time for the recipient. Texts arrive immediately, not at the whim of the recipient, so they are more like a phone call.

 

 

Email arrives immediately, too. And the phone makes a notification sound if you have chosen to set one. In this respect, texts are exactly like emails. You can always choose not to set a notification sound for either. And you can view the text as a time that is convenient for you. There is no rule that texts must be read immediately.

[LucyStoner]

Based on poll results, it appears it is NOT "the way society works now".

The poll wording works for those with the OP's and your opinion. But it doesn't work for people with my opinion. I'm not the only person who mentioned not being able to answer the poll, because the options for the second question don't work or allow for an other, middle way option.

[Bluegoat]

You think the purpose of texting is to send at off hours? Why do you think that? This line of reasoning baffles em.

 

When texting first appeared, that was the way it was used - less immediate than a phone call but more than an email.

 

Then it seemed to replace the phone call for a while, at least aming younger people.  Older people still tended to treat it as less immediate.

 

More recently it's gone back the other way, I think, as many people are no longer using email.  So texting through one application or another is used sometimes for chat, but also for the things many would have used email for in the past.

 

On the flip side, with phone messages becoming common, many people now use them in a less immediate way.  But they are still almost always the way people who need fast immediate response communicate, like 911.

[LucyStoner]

Based on poll results, it appears it is NOT "the way society works now".

Also, most people who did do the poll indicated that text is more like email than a phone call. Perhaps you reversed that when you posted.

 

As of now, it's 45 people who think it's like a phone call with a hard stop time and 72 people who think it is like an email and an option whenever the sender wants to send it.

Edited April 10, 2017 by LucyStoner

[luuknam]

Also, most people who did do the poll indicated that text is more like email than a phone call. Perhaps you reversed that when you posted.

 

 

If almost 40% of people think it's rude, then that's not a small percentage by any means. If we did a poll and 40% of people think e.g. cussing is rude, then would you conclude that cussing is okay now, because only a minority thinks it's not?

[rjand6more]

I have thought about this.

 

I do NOT think it is rude to send a text at any time.  It is up to you to manage your own phone.  I don't answer texts or calls during school hours.  Most people know that.  I don't even have to tell people.  I guess the majority of the people in my contacts are people who know me.  I will return the text when I can.  I ALWAYS answer calls.  I will call them back if it is not urgent.

 

You can be selective on most phones these days to receive texts or not during the hours of your choosing.  You can leave all calls to ring from ALL numbers.  Police officers or other emergency offices will not send you a text, they will call.

 

All people I know would call in the event of an emergency.  I'm sure there are occasional exceptions.  But, there will always be.

 

This is all a product of the ability to be contacted 24/7.  It's a blessing and a curse.

[Bluegoat]

If almost 40% of people think it's rude, then that's not a small percentage by any means. If we did a poll and 40% of people think e.g. cussing is rude, then would you conclude that cussing is okay now, because only a minority thinks it's not?

 

In this case though, it's a matter od developing norms for a new technology, and that will depend a lot on how people end up using it.

 

It's early days now, so "rude" seems like real overkill - people are just using it in different ways and there isn't yet a strong consensus.

 

I think it will go with not rude more and more, mainly because there has been general pushback against the assumption texts will be seen right away. 

[SKL]

If almost 40% of people think it's rude, then that's not a small percentage by any means. If we did a poll and 40% of people think e.g. cussing is rude, then would you conclude that cussing is okay now, because only a minority thinks it's not?

 

The options are too black and white.  You can view a text as more like a phone call than an email, and still not feel those who do it at certain hours are rude.

 

[Sneezyone]

If almost 40% of people think it's rude, then that's not a small percentage by any means. If we did a poll and 40% of people think e.g. cussing is rude, then would you conclude that cussing is okay now, because only a minority thinks it's not?

 

Certainly not. The way the question is phrased, however, will skew the results. If you left off the commentary about sending a text whenever I want (as if n defiance of or disregard for the recipient) you are likely to get a different answer than if you asked whether sending a text at a convenient time for you (vs. the recipient) is OK.

[LucyStoner]

I don't actually send texts late in the evening unless it's my husband, brother, niece or son. So I'm definitely not the source of any late night group pings on the phones of random acquaintances. Still, I find it very rude to label people as rude merely because they are different or have different communication norms than you.

 

For example, personal email is a diminishing part of my communication norms. I'm unlikely to see your email. It's not rude however for someone to email me because email is still their preferred method of communication.

[SKL]

In this case though, it's a matter od developing norms for a new technology, and that will depend a lot on how people end up using it.

 

It's early days now, so "rude" seems like real overkill - people are just using it in different ways and there isn't yet a strong consensus.

 

I think it will go with not rude more and more, mainly because there has been general pushback against the assumption texts will be seen right away. 

 

It feels to me like the opinion on this board has shifted in the past 2 years, from "mostly it's rude and don't do it" to "mostly it's not rude and suck it up."

[zoobie]

Based on poll results, it appears it is NOT "the way society works now".  

 

I don't think this group is representative of society as a whole. 

[marbel]

Has it occurred to you that email has an alert notification on many people's phone too? Or do you expect people to turn off that notification if it bothers them but not any others?

 

If you text or email me between certain hours, my phone doesn't ping, beep or vibrate unless it's a text from a certain SMALL set of numbers. Email is an increasingly unreliable way to get ahold of people in the under 40 demographic unless it's their work email. I would vastly prefer a text to an email unless you are a client I am billing for my time or the um, yeah that's it. I only read non-client emails about once every 2-3 days.

 

You can still have the phone ring but the texts silent.

 

Make your technology work for you. Don't assume everyone communicates the same way as you or has the same communication norms.

 

I am not disagreeing with you but this makes no sense to me.

 

Pretty much everyone I know (my own teens, college students I am involved with, my kids' friends, etc, as well as older adults) have texting and email apps on their phones, with notifications.   When email or text arrives, it's on their screen.   They can ignore it, of course, just as they can ignore a text or a phone message. So in my world, people may prefer texting but they also see their email just as easily as they will see a text. 

 

Obviously ymmv and all that. But it is not universal that people don't use email anymore.

[poppy]

If almost 40% of people think it's rude, then that's not a small percentage by any means. If we did a poll and 40% of people think e.g. cussing is rude, then would you conclude that cussing is okay now, because only a minority thinks it's not?

 

This was my thinking too.   It's not an even split, but it's close enough to not say either is the definitive opinion.

[Sneezyone]

It feels to me like the opinion on this board has shifted in the past 2 years, from "mostly it's rude and don't do it" to "mostly it's not rude and suck it up."

 

Phones have gotten a lot more sophisticated in their capabilities too. As the ability to make more granular notification choices increases, so too will the push for owners to make use of those options as they see fit.

[marbel]

Yes.

 

It's rather surprising and disappointing to see this argument repeated by so many on a board devoted to education. It's really nothing more than an ad hominem attack. IMO it's fine if you (generic) don't agree with me. But don't try to imply or outright say that I'm stupid in order to support your position. If that's the best you can do . . . .

 

Many of us really do have very valid reasons for not being able to put our phones on DND or stop notifications from all numbers except just a few. We really do. Whether you (generic) want to believe it or not.

 

No kidding.   So condescending!  

[Bluegoat]

I am not disagreeing with you but this makes no sense to me.

 

Pretty much everyone I know (my own teens, college students I am involved with, my kids' friends, etc, as well as older adults) have texting and email apps on their phones, with notifications.   When email or text arrives, it's on their screen.   They can ignore it, of course, just as they can ignore a text or a phone message. So in my world, people may prefer texting but they also see their email just as easily as they will see a text. 

 

Obviously ymmv and all that. But it is not universal that people don't use email anymore.

 

This is part of it though - email is becoming indistinguishable from texting.  Many people only have it for sending official things, or to communicate with those who don't text.  Some tech commentators think it may be on the way for most things and will be more like a registered letter or package.

 

There has been a burst of communication platforms in the last few years, so any given person or group is likely to have an email list, text list, FB list, and maybe some others.  People end up having all of them sometimes because they have to communicate with someone else that way.

 

But the way people are managing these are they are being monitored by the smartphone and all are used in the same way.

[SKL]

As far as email vs. text, I text to people when I have reason to think they don't check their emails often.  Sometimes I will text them to go read their email. 

 

I much prefer email when I have anything substantial to say, but text is better for quick stuff and for people who have asked to be contacted that way.

 

Many people close to me get their emails just as fast and just as loud as texts.  These also happen to be people who don't turn their phones off, ever.  :P  (Well, maybe in a theater, if I remind them.)

[LucyStoner]

In this case though, it's a matter od developing norms for a new technology, and that will depend a lot on how people end up using it.

 

It's early days now, so "rude" seems like real overkill - people are just using it in different ways and there isn't yet a strong consensus.

 

I think it will go with not rude more and more, mainly because there has been general pushback against the assumption texts will be seen right away.

I don't think we can even call texting new technology. SMS is 25 years old. And for each of the last TEN years, Americans have had more text exchanges than phone calls. Even before modern smart phones became ubiquitous, many people were using advanced texting capacity phones like those little Samsungs with the slide out qwerty keyboard for texting. My brother has been primarily communicating via text since he was still in high school and his 15th high school reunion is coming up any day now. 😂

[poppy]

I don't think this group is representative of society as a whole. 

 

Well, if we're just declaring things "the way society is now" based not on this poll but just whatever personal opinion, then I can say I'm the one who is right just as definitely!

 

 

To me, text is for conversation.  It is a phone alternative .  So "phone  rules" apply for text.    If you want to send a "read anytime" message, use email or messenger or any of the many other options designed for messaging.

 

 

The thing in the US is that we've had these technologies for a long time and everyone is at a different use / place. In countries that have gone digital rapidly they have more uniformity in what apps are used, and therefore how apps are used / common courtesy.

[luuknam]

I finally got around to trying to find a way to mute texts between certain hours, since unlike email, the default is that texts make noise (yes, your email *can* beep... but only if you tell it to). Nobody texts me at obnoxious hours, so I haven't had any motivation yet to find this setting. Turns out, I cannot find a setting to mute my texts between certain hours (nor to mute it only for certain people, etc). I can find a way to change the noise it makes, but that's about it. And this phone is not *that* old... a little over 4 years, but they'd had texts for many years before that. 

[LucyStoner]

This was my thinking too. It's not an even split, but it's close enough to not say either is the definitive opinion.

Probably only because of two factors:

 

-Demographics of this board

-the way the poll was written- many people who think all hours texts are ok didn't participate.

[regentrude]

Pretty much everyone I know (my own teens, college students I am involved with, my kids' friends, etc, as well as older adults) have texting and email apps on their phones, with notifications.   When email or text arrives, it's on their screen.   They can ignore it, of course, just as they can ignore a text or a phone message. So in my world, people may prefer texting but they also see their email just as easily as they will see a text.

 

But I am not sure whether people link all their email accounts to their phones.

I definitely don't. I see my two work email addresses, but not my private accounts.

 

[Bluegoat]

I don't think we can even call texting new technology. SMS is 25 years old. And for each of the last TEN years, Americans have had more text exchanges than phone calls. Even before modern smart phones became ubiquitous, many people were using advanced texting capacity phones like those little Samsungs with the slide out qwerty keyboard for texting. My brother has been primarily communicating via text since he was still in high school and his 15th high school reunion is coming up any day now. 😂

 

It's still developing though in ways that mean it keeps changing how it is used.  It's hard to have a standard etiquette solidify  under those conditions.

[lovinmyboys]

Based on poll results, it appears it is NOT "the way society works now".

Well, I don't think it is a scientific poll.

 

Maybe my experience isn't representative, but people of different ages and different walks of life are texting me at times that are convenient for them. I don't typically get middle of the night texts, but it isn't unusual to get texts until midnight and then after 5am. I get them from people from coop, my sons baseball team, friends.

Dh gets more texts than I do (having 3 phones will do that) and he will often have several texts waiting for him when he wakes up. So many people in my circle text later at night/early in the morning that I have a hard time believing that this can be considered rude and actually be stopped.

 

As far as society goes, people work all kinds of different hours now. Yes, most people still sleep at night, but lots of people work at night and are asleep during the day. People are more connected to people in other time zones. It makes it much more difficult to not text at certain hours. How do we know what is convenient for other people?

[wintermom]

My dh and I leave our phones downstairs at night. People can text whenever they want, but I won't be answering them or even hearing them when I'm in bed. So, it's similar to e-mails for us. Emergency communications come by home phone.

 

If you only have cell phone I can understand your frustration. Maybe you can mute the text indicator and only have volume for phone.

 

 

 

 

 

Edited April 10, 2017 by wintermom

[amy g.]

I received an emergency text from an adult child from an unknown number just yesterday. It didn't happen at night, but it is a possibility that it might next time.

 

I keep my ringer off all the time, but texts vibrate so I sleep with my phone in my hand in case one of my kids needs me.

 

I'm pretty careful about who I give my cell number to, so I don't have a ton of problems with late night texts, but I did have one friend who thought it was fine.

 

I did think it was beyond rude and frankly, I pulled away from the friendship because I don't want to be around people who do that. So I controlled my friendships rather than my phone settings.

 

I don't email at night either. I make a draft and hit send in the morning. I like to give people a little peace and quiet at night. I know I'll get emails at night so those settings are turned off. I'm less likely to get an emergency email anyway.

[LucyStoner]

Well, if we're just declaring things "the way society is now" based not on this poll but just whatever personal opinion, then I can say I'm the one who is right just as definitely!

 

 

To me, text is for conversation. It is a phone alternative . So "phone rules" apply for text. If you want to send a "read anytime" message, use email or messenger or any of the many other options designed for messaging.

 

 

The thing in the US is that we've had these technologies for a long time and everyone is at a different use / place. In countries that have gone digital rapidly they have more uniformity in what apps are used, and therefore how apps are used / common courtesy.

 

Personal email is a dying form of communication. People use email for work. And shipping notifications and the rest is a lot of cruft.

 

Perhaps this falls on age lines. But I send an Evite via email (and most of the other parents are under 45), I start to wonder if my child is a social pariah. If I send it via FB PM (group) or text, I am reminded that my son has friends.  :lol:

Edited April 10, 2017 by LucyStoner

[SKL]

Rather than the etiquette of when it's OK to text, I'd rather see a focus on appropriate text content / refraining from texting when you don't have something important to say.

 

Would you pick up the phone and call someone to say all of what you text?  Would your teens?  If it isn't important enough to say to somebody orally, is it really important enough to send over the airwaves at all?  Or are we cluttering up each other's lives with our individual groans and sighs?

 

I do think people have gotten better about this.  For example, I don't get as many totally lame group text replies (and I don't accidentally send them).  :)

[Word Nerd]

I think it's annoying to treat texts like emails, as I can still hear them come in even when my phone is set to vibrate. However, I rarely get them after hours anyway and don't think it's a battle worth fighting.

[marbel]

But I am not sure whether people link all their email accounts to their phones.

I definitely don't. I see my two work email addresses, but not my private accounts.

 

 

Well that I would not know.

 

I have as good a chance of getting a reply to an email as to a text, regardless of the age of the person. To me, that indicates that email is not dead, at least in my circles.  I sometimes have rather lengthy announcements to send to groups, and they are much easier to do via email than text.   I get the same level of response from young and old alike.  

[LucyStoner]

I am not disagreeing with you but this makes no sense to me.

 

Pretty much everyone I know (my own teens, college students I am involved with, my kids' friends, etc, as well as older adults) have texting and email apps on their phones, with notifications. When email or text arrives, it's on their screen. They can ignore it, of course, just as they can ignore a text or a phone message. So in my world, people may prefer texting but they also see their email just as easily as they will see a text.

 

Obviously ymmv and all that. But it is not universal that people don't use email anymore.

I don't get push notifications on all of my personal email. In my experience, non-work email is being largely replaced with social media and, yes, texting. Email is for non-urgent stuff that has attachments. I do have it set to push out notifications for emails that gmail deems "important" but that's not a bullet proof feature; nor do I feel especially obligated to open my email every time I see such a notification. Response rates for social media and texts outpace those for email. I've observed this in my personal life and when I am doing a bit of fundraising as part of my work. Email used to have great response rates, now I get the responses elsewhere. The only email that most people check daily if their work email.

[LucyStoner]

If almost 40% of people think it's rude, then that's not a small percentage by any means. If we did a poll and 40% of people think e.g. cussing is rude, then would you conclude that cussing is okay now, because only a minority thinks it's not?

Oh, I don't need a poll to tell me that in parts of my world, cursing is more than OK. 😂

[poppy]

Personal email is a dying form of communication. People use email for work. And shopping notifications and and the rest is a lot of cruft.

 

Perhaps this falls out of age lines. But I send an Evite via email (and most of the other parents are under 45), I start to wonder if my child is a social pariah. If I send it via FB PM (group) or text, I am reminded that my son has friends. 😂

 

I have gotten lots of Facebook party invites but not text yet....using texting because you can't reach people via email seems kind of low key harassing? Like, not a big deal, but ugh. 

 

But it reminds me of the original post.  If people can't text you at any given moment that is immediately convenient they will never remember to reply, apparently.

[Bluegoat]

There are lots of articles around about the decreacing use of email.  It's pretty widely accepted.