UPDATED: S/O burnout, what if you have high schoolers? 😢

[busymama7]

I didn't want to hijack the other moms thread. She was getting some good advice. Advice that I would do anything to take myself. But alas, I have teens.

 

I have different but similar stressors. My dh quit his job to go self employed. This has meant extremely long hours 6 days a week and we are pinched financially.

 

We have 9 kids; one out of the house. The next oldest is home working this semester and she doesn't drive yet so there is some juggling to get her back and forth to work. It is sort of close enough to walk and she does when she needs to. We need her to drive but we only have 2 cars so it wouldn't help much. She goes back to college n April. She's not much help practically because she is either gone or too self absorbed to do much to help me.

 

Next one down is a junior and does drive but the car he was using is broken. He works too and takes lessons on two instruments (2 days, 30-45 min away). He has my car most days because of this and we are trapped at home. He is also dyslexic and trying very hard to raise his ACT score to get into the college of his choice. He needs me for this.

 

The rest are ages 2-14 with two more known dyslexics and 1 suspected (only 4). The other teen will self study endlessly on the stuff he is interested in like electronics and inventions. He's a tinkerer if that makes sense. He will also read if he in to a series but wouldn't self study things like history or read Great Books. He wants to be a science major and I just can't let him down with math/science. It's all on me.

 

We can't afford outside or online classes. Every single thing has to be me. And I'm drowning.

 

The 2 year old is so challenging I can't even describe it. She is demanding and cries ALL the time. Hysterical screaming crying. She will not go to sleep for anyone but me so my whole

Life revolves around her nap and sleep schedule. I can't leave. she has cried for as long as two hours at bedtime in my husbands arms (or a sibling too). She just wants me and only me.

 

I feel like really important things are getting left out. Things like playing games, going on outdoor adventures etc. I do read aloud a lot.

 

The house is always messy. I actually think that is part of the 2 year olds issues. Her room that she shares with two sisters with billions of toys and my sewing corner is always a mess. We are tackling it today but it's still going to look messy due to sheer amount of stuff and they will wreck it again soon too. I can't keep up. I just can NOT keep up.

 

I have never been so tempted by school. I've been at this for 14 years and have learned to make homeschooling just fit and work. Except it's not right now. I mean it's getting done as I refuse to let it drop but I'm dropping everything else.

 

Problem is, the schools here are really bad. And no one wants to go. It's too late for my teens anyways as they would have no credits. The MS just would not be a good place for my 11 year old girl. My two elementary kids could go but the 3rd grader is dyslexic and just now catching on to reading. I would feel like I still had to tutor him. Plus homework 😒. Ive talked to other moms. It's a TON of homework. And philosophically, I would choose to send older teens long before elementary kids.

 

I'm just so burned out. I want to play games. I want to go on hikes and play at the park. I want to have time for my own creative interests(like sewing/crafting) I want to cook good meals and keep a clean organized house with laundry kept up.

 

But it's only me and I just can't do everything. School is literally the only thing I could take off my plate and only if I used the free public schools. That's really not a good option in reality but I just keep struggling under the weight and trying to figure out how to get some help. We can't afford household help or private music teachers (except for the junior and really we can't afford that either) so I am trying to teach them all something but that falls to the wayside too. I feel like there are so many important things that we just can't get to because school takes most of the time and all of my mental energy.

Edited February 16, 2017 by busymama7

[prairiewindmomma]

You need to make some changes. It is too much for one person. Large families should utilize their strengths--and share the workload.

 

Your oldest can walk or bike, except in extremely inclement weather.

 

Your next can stop music lessons for a time unless this is his intended major. If it is his intended major, he should arrange his schedule so that you have access to a vehicle at times and can pitch in with cleaning, working with youngers, etc.

 

As much as you can streamline life, please do. Crockpot suppers, sandwiches for lunch, assign out laundry and cleaning, and work on your 2 yo playing a bit more jndependently. We started with having one child play with our high needs baby an arms length away from me in a highly engaging task. We put her on a regular schedule, including bonding time with me. For a bit we carried her in a pack to help her feel securely attached. (We also sorted out her medical issues--silent reflux, etc).

 

As far as multiple special needs go--can you utilize group teaching? Can you have olders work with youngers--our youngers read to our olders.

 

I found that keeping a written log of what I was doing for a week really helped me understand where I could make adjustments in life. I also started blocking alone time for me! That has been life sustaining in a very crazy phase of life.

[prairiewindmomma]

PS--get rid of half of your stuff. I did, and it's been so freeing. There is no need to have bazillions of toys!

[busymama7]

It is his intended major. And he is highly talented. He is great about doing what needs doing to make up for it. And he helps pay for it. He had laundry all sorted and running this am when I had to be gone without asking. He also cleaned the upstairs including the bathroom. When he's here, he's amazing. He is gone a fair bit. And due to his work schedule, the mornings are crammed with a tight schedule to get him done with school before he leaves.

 

The older one does walk as needed but it's about 2 miles. All the bikes that would work for her are broken and husband has no time to fix them.

 

I group as much for lessons as I possibly can. Maybe even more than I should. The junior doesn't have time to help and the 14 year old has a personality that doesn't lend well to that. It would be a big disaster.

 

Toys, yeah the middle girls have too many. The rest is under control. But the rest of the house is bare really just gets messy and dirty fast.

[Garga]

That sounds horrible.   :(

 

I agree with the getting rid of 1/2 your stuff.  

 

Figure out the simplest meals in the world to make and then teach the kids how to make them.  Spaghetti, tacos, homemade pizza (buy a mix), breakfast for dinner, maybe people have other ideas.

 

I wish I knew better how to help with the 2 year old.  That's the hardest part I think.  Well, it would be for me.  My oldest was like that and I remember crying when I read on Flylady how "you can do anything for 15 minutes!" because I literally could not leave that child and do anything for more than about 4 minutes at a time.  Fifteen minutes seemed like an eternity that I'd never see again, ever, in my life.  Fifteen whole minutes to do something, anything, other than caring for a 2 year old?  A dream.  It was like that until he was 4 or so.  He took up my every single waking moment.  I never did figure out how to stop that as he was my oldest and I just dealt with it.  But if it was the youngest?  With all that responsibility?  It sounds like a nightmare.  I'm so sorry.   :(   I wish I had an answer.  Maybe someone else will.

 

The only things it sounds like you can control is stuff and food-prep.  

 

We have cleaned out toys in the past and it's been soooo freeing once it's done.  Even the kids are ok with it.  One year I made a compromise and bought bins from Walmart and binned the toys in the attic.  They were out of the way, but if the kids reeeeally wanted them, they were still available.  Sometimes they'd pull something out, but mostly they were just out of the way and that was lovely.

 

ETA:  Oops.  See that you posted that you don't have much to get rid of so never mind.  Wish I could help in some way.  I'm not sure there's anything that can be done.  

 

I've given up on a clean house and I'm ok with it.  The boys take turns doing the dishes every other night and that's a huge help.  The dishes are never ending.  

Edited February 11, 2017 by Garga

[busymama7]

My kids do a bunch of meal prep. Each takes a night. They do all the dishes. It's still not enough.

 

I feel like I know all the tricks and I've used them all. I'm not a newbie anymore 😉

 

And I just feel like I'm out of energy. And resentful that I can't do so many other things I want to do because school is taking so much from me. But maybe if I could even manage to take school off my plate I would still be overwhelmed just because it's life with teens and toddlers and everyone in between

 

But I'm trapped because there isn't even a school possibility in reach anyways. Other than the 1st and 3rd graders could go to elementary.

[idnib]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

What I would do in your shoes:

 

I agree with those saying to get rid of half your stuff. Cancel school for a couple of weeks, and have everyone pitch in when they're not working. Bag items, donate them, get a dumpster and start tossing things. Be ruthless, knowing it will help everyone, especially the 2yo.

 

Stop on the instrument lessons for a few weeks. Unless DS is getting ready to audition for something life-changing, it can wait. That will give you the car back while you declutter and get organized.

 

Oldest can walk unless there's a blizzard. She has to be told in no uncertain terms to help more. Don't count on her being there at a certain time, maybe, but give her a daily and weekly list and hold her accountable if things are not done.

 

Plan your school for 6 weeks on, 1 week off. Use that week to deal with all the things you are getting behind on and to get organized, and make sure the family members understand their role in that week as well. Use the knowledge that the week off is coming soon to get yourself through the crazy weeks.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Whew that sounds so challenging.  I clicked on this thread thinking oh me me...high schooler and I had burn out.  But...uh no my situation is so radically different I have nothing at all useful to say.

 

:grouphug:

[caedmyn]

Would you consider sleep training (aka cry-it-out or some other version) for the 2 YO? It seems truly awful, and heatlessly cruel (to me anyway) while you're in the middle of it, but oh so worth it to on the other side when they are going to sleep on their own, you are less frazzled, and they are more cheerful in the daytime because they're getting more sleep. At least that's been my experience with sleep training, though I've not done it with a toddler.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Has the 2 year old been to a doctor to check for any health problems contributing to the constant crying?  I know, one more thing. . .

[busymama7]

Mother's help for the littlies ? I know you said money is tight (I get it, I know the stress well!) but mother's helps work for pretty low wages. My girls had a m/h business going from the age of 11/12, and they got paid $5/hour to play with littles while mom was in the house. Honestly, they loved it so much they'd have done a 3hr stint for 10 bucks.

 

I'm sorry, it sounds super stressful.

I would consider pushing for this but I can't think of anyone that's close. She wojkd have to be homeschooled in order for it to be of help since my kids are available otherwise.

[busymama7]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

What I would do in your shoes:

 

I agree with those saying to get rid of half your stuff. Cancel school for a couple of weeks, and have everyone pitch in when they're not working. Bag items, donate them, get a dumpster and start tossing things. Be ruthless, knowing it will help everyone, especially the 2yo.

 

Stop on the instrument lessons for a few weeks. Unless DS is getting ready to audition for something life-changing, it can wait. That will give you the car back while you declutter and get organized.

 

Oldest can walk unless there's a blizzard. She has to be told in no uncertain terms to help more. Don't count on her being there at a certain time, maybe, but give her a daily and weekly list and hold her accountable if things are not done.

 

Plan your school for 6 weeks on, 1 week off. Use that week to deal with all the things you are getting behind on and to get organized, and make sure the family members understand their role in that week as well. Use the knowledge that the week off is coming soon to get yourself through the crazy weeks.

He can't quite lessons. He is prepping for auditions for summer camps. He could possibly quit piano since he will be majoring in oboe but I'm leaving that up to him because his piano teacher is a huge mentor for him and also teaches composition which is a great desire of his.

 

Other than toys in the girls room and my craft stuff and baby things which we are holding on to jist in case (but should probably toss) I honestly can't come up with anything we would get rid of. I'm pretty streamlined there but the kids are messy. They don't have good habits like beds and picking up and not dumping their shoes on the floor and such. That is one thing that I feel gets dropped because I'm under so much pressure to have time for school every day. So they just don't brush hair or follow a morning routine and they don't clean up as they go or out things away. And I'm too stressed and distracted to do anything until I can't handle it and we all stop and clean up the whole house. But still bedrooms usually are ignored. I'm going to post my schedule in another post in case someone has other ideas to cut.

 

I have done the stop school and try to get on top of things. It doesn't help long term. It's a bandaid when I need stitches. Or a tourniquet. 😂 we will take full days here and there.

 

Oldest, yeah we need to figure something out there. But it is hard as her and I clash really bad. She gets along great with her dad. It he's never here so it's always me that has to figure out what to do and how. And she antsy and wants to get back to her freedom at college. Which I get.

 

The problem with 6 weeks on and one off is that we have periodic sickness or trips that come up that I feel we need to save our time off for. Something is always interrupting so planing an interruption feels like we would never accomplish anything.

Edited February 12, 2017 by busymama7

[busymama7]

Would you consider sleep training (aka cry-it-out or some other version) for the 2 YO? It seems truly awful, and heatlessly cruel (to me anyway) while you're in the middle of it, but oh so worth it to on the other side when they are going to sleep on their own, you are less frazzled, and they are more cheerful in the daytime because they're getting more sleep. At least that's been my experience with sleep training, though I've not done it with a toddler.

I'm not totally against it at this age but we have tried modified versions and she is relentless. She is out of her crib since she climbed out 6 months ago. I can't make her stay in bed. I've tried and it has taken up to 3-4 hours of hysterical screaming with me sitting there by her. And then she's worse the next day because she is so tired. I have honestly never had such a bad sleeper. She's on a trundle right next to her sister and the other is on the top bunk. We leave lights on or stay by her and she still screams with no stopping. I would be fine with a few days of training but I can't even figure out what that would look like. At this point she is mostly rocked to sleep. Sometimes she will lay with me in my bed but usually not. I would be happy to just go to bed with her every night and let her sleep there but that doesn't work either. Rocking works 90% of the time but only if it's me.

[busymama7]

Has the 2 year old been to a doctor to check for any health problems contributing to the constant crying? I know, one more thing. . .

I actually have been considering that. Checking hearing and such. I'm an experienced mama here and I've never seen anything quite like this. Everyone tells me we've just spoiled her which is probably true to some degree since she's kinda the center of our universe 😂 and everyone dotes on her. I think it's that combined with an extremely strong will.

 

Anything and everything can set her off. Diaper changes if she doesn't want it can lead to screaming for an hour. That kind of thing. She is very verbal. Very very so I don t think it's hearing. But I could see if the dr had any other ideas.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I would consider possible allergies, silent reflux (as a pp mentioned) and even a sensory/ spectrum issue.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[busymama7]

Ok here is our basic school day. We do an all day program on Fridays for enrichment classes especially a large, fanastic music program so it's really not negotiable. I think I would lose my mind completely if I didn't have that change of pace one day of the week.

 

6:30 wake up and quickly shower

7:00 start math with the two teens. I combined them for algebra 2 this year as the younger is advanced and the older not so much. I go over missed problems and teach the new lesson. The rest of them wake up and are supposed to dress and such but since I'm tied up with math I can't enforce it so it doesn't usually happen. I mean they might get dressed but they don't clean rooms or do hair or anything like they are supposed to. By they I mean ages 7, 8 and 11. Toddlers 4 and 2.5 would need help but I'm not available to do it so yeah. The 4 year old usually dresses himself and I manage to change the 2 yo diaper but she often stays in PJs all or most of the day.

7:45ish I start making breakfast while boys work on their math and any other assignments (I use a notebook that I write daily assignments in the night neotr in between dealing with the 2 yo)

8-8:30 we eat and sometimes clean it up but more often walk away with a huge disaster in the kitchen. Boys will grab their food and get right back to work at the other table.

8:30 if we are lucky but usually 9:00 we gather for morning time. We read scriptures together and then do family lessons in either history or science, alternating. These are geared for the teens and the younger ones usually stay. It's reading aloud for history and videos for science. We also do labs 1 day a week during this time. Remember, the teens have dyslexia. They can't just be given a text and told to read it and learn from it. They do do reading from living books on our history and science topics and write me short papers mostly every day. But they can't be all on their own.ive tried it. The only way we've made it work is for me to teach them and let the others get what they get. I have a basket that the readers can choose books from and I try to read aloud to the 7 and 8 year olds from books on science and history in the afternoon. They often color while this is going on in the morning, a page about what we are talking about.

I would love to fit a lit book here for the boys (we did Scarlett letter together in the fall) but in the fall we were starting MT closer to 8 and I haven't been able to make that happen recently.

 

10:00 we try to be done with MT and move to the table for a short Latin roots lesson with 11,14 and 16 yo and last week I added once sentence to edit for grammar review. Then I do math with the 11 year old as she is behind and really needs my focused attention for her lesson. Then I alternate between the 7 and 8 year olds with CLE math and AAR. They do handwriting while waiting for me or play wth toddlers. I try to squeeze in AAS with them together most days. We are also supposed to be doing ELTL but that rarely happens. The 11,14 and 16 year olds are doing their charts which I write out daily. It's a pain but works infinetly better than anything else I've tried.

 

11:45 or 12:45 every day except every other Monday the 16 year old leaves for work or lessons. This is why the morning is so tight. He has to be done by then.

 

I try to squeeze in something to eat around 12-12:30 and someone who is done will feed the toddlers. I am usually still at the table with someone until I take them up to naps at 12:30. I read two books, one chosen by each. It takes me anywhere from 5 min to one hour to get 2 yo to sleep. Once she's down the 7, 8, 11 and 14 yo gather around again for read aloud time and then they are all supposed to rest/read for an hour but for some reason that usually doesn't happen. The 7 and 8 year olds each read to me daily and we also will use this time to finish their lessons if we didn't have time between 10-12:30 usually because an older one needed me.

2:30ish anyone who hasn't practiced yet does so and I help the 8 yo practice. This is where I would do piano lessons for them if I could manage it. But I can't seem to.

3:00 they are free. Sometimes I allow TV but not everyday. They play outside etc

 

I try to rest and knit for a few minutes and then do laundry or cleaning and dinner and sometimes running kids places. I try to check math and other work and write out assignment sheets as that makes my evening better.

 

I honestly don't get as much done in these hours as I should because I'm so wiped from the morning.

 

Dinner is usually 6ish and is usually without dad. He might come home between 7-8 or it could be 11. Bedtime happens and then we start over again.

 

And even though I'm working so hard and doing everything I can possibly manage I still feel like I'm not doing enough for my teens. I don't really know how I could possibly do more and yet I don't think it's enough. They are happy at home; do not want to go to school and will do any assignments I give them. But they aren't great at learning on their own. But my time is limited so much. We hope to use the CC for the 16 yo next year. I'm honestly having an identity crisis because I'm wondering if homeschooling high school is even such a great idea. Maybe they would be better off in a classroom. But only if the schools were great and here they are NOT. I'm in Clark county NV. We rank usually dead last so I'm not exaggerating here. But then I think with active and involved parents who care about education they would probably do fine there.

Edited February 12, 2017 by busymama7

[busymama7]

I would consider possible allergies, silent reflux (as a pp mentioned) and even a sensory/ spectrum issue.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I can't find a previous reference to reflux but that would be no surprise. All my kids and my husband have reflux/heartburn type issues. She doesn't cry for no reason though. She cries and throws a fit when she's not getting her way or when I try to put her to bed. Edited February 12, 2017 by busymama7

[StephanieZ]

It's not too late for high school! 

 

Here in WV, the high schools will NOT give credit for homeschool work, so many families choose to send kids to schools starting in 9th grade. BUT, you can TOTALLY just use the high school for classes (either part time or full time, here in WV) and give the kid a diploma/transcript yourself when it's all over. That's exactly what I did with my senior this year. He and I had butted heads for several years, and he wanted to go to the high school, so he goes, full time, for just this year. I'm still his "principal" and will issue his diploma. I just consider the public school classes as "out sourced" like I would any online class. He's been admitted to colleges, etc, based on this, no problem AT ALL. 

 

Personally, I think you'd be wise to go ahead and send some or all of the kids to school for a year or more. Heck, go ahead and send them for the remainder of this year. See how it goes. You can always bring them back home. 

 

If your state allows PT enrollment, that can be a great option -- get them a few classes at a public school and homeschool the classes you can more comfortably oversee. Many of my friends here in WV do that for their homeschooled kids in high school -- and it allows you to pick and choose which teachers/classes you want your kid to have. I considered that option for my son, and if the school hadn't been very accommodating in allowing us to enroll him in only the exact courses we wanted, I would have done PT to avoid enrolling him in courses that I didn't think were helpful.

[Shellydon]

Put all children K-8th in public school for the remainder of this year and see how it goes.

[busymama7]

It's not too late for high school!

 

Here in WV, the high schools will NOT give credit for homeschool work, so many families choose to send kids to schools starting in 9th grade. BUT, you can TOTALLY just use the high school for classes (either part time or full time, here in WV) and give the kid a diploma/transcript yourself when it's all over. That's exactly what I did with my senior this year. He and I had butted heads for several years, and he wanted to go to the high school, so he goes, full time, for just this year. I'm still his "principal" and will issue his diploma. I just consider the public school classes as "out sourced" like I would any online class. He's been admitted to colleges, etc, based on this, no problem AT ALL.

 

Personally, I think you'd be wise to go ahead and send some or all of the kids to school for a year or more. Heck, go ahead and send them for the remainder of this year. See how it goes. You can always bring them back home.

 

If your state allows PT enrollment, that can be a great option -- get them a few classes at a public school and homeschool the classes you can more comfortably oversee. Many of my friends here in WV do that for their homeschooled kids in high school -- and it allows you to pick and choose which teachers/classes you want your kid to have. I considered that option for my son, and if the school hadn't been very accommodating in allowing us to enroll him in only the exact courses we wanted, I would have done PT to avoid enrolling him in courses that I didn't think were helpful.

Yes we do have part time options here. My teens have done band at the MS and HS before we had a homeschool music program. They have ZERO desire to go there for even one class anymore. I mean I could make them but I would have to be convinced that the class would be worth the headache being tied to the school schedule.

[Garga]

If you really don't think you can handle homeschooling anymore (and I wouldn't blame you) and there are still 8 kids to go...can you move?  To an area with better schools?  Can your dh start looking for jobs somewhere else?  It's a radical idea and you'll probably snort when you read this and say, "Um...no!"  But just thought I'd toss it out there...

 

ETA: Now I'm feeling silly for suggesting it.  I think you just need a big hug and commiseration.  I don't think there's a solution other than time.  When the 2 yo stops screaming so much, things will probably feel better.  And I only have 2 kids, but we're the same way about not cleaning up as we go.  I feel like we have to dash through our day already and there is just no time for cleaning as we go, so I totally get that.

 

 

Edited February 12, 2017 by Garga

[Lang Syne Boardie]

I'm so sorry.

 

I think if you can survive this spring semester, things will feel much better in the fall...

 

2nd eldest dd will be at school,

junior ds will be in cc,

you might have your car back? and

baby will be 3 and no longer 2 (might not be better but will probably be a change). If you see a doctor about the extreme behavior, you might have a diagnosis and a plan in place that will bring good changes after awhile. Hoping and praying that's so.

 

Among the categories of things we're all hesitating to suggest, mine is to ask whether DH really must make the move to self-employed *right now.* You've lost him as a second parent in the home for the daily struggle, plus you've had a serious financial setback. Can he...um...go back? I hate to bring it up, as he might be on the brink of success, he might have been about to lose his old job anyway, he might have been in a dangerously soul-sucking situation and now he's better (although you all are worse)...if it's "just" a serious preference or even a dream, many parents have had to shelve those in order for their family to survive and thrive with better provision for awhile...

 

but this is right up there with moving to a better school system, as far as the really big things I'd be wanting to analyze in order to make things better. This pace is not sustainable. I can testify, as someone who knows, that it is definitely possible to drive your own health straight into the ground...and you sound worried about your younger set of children who are not getting attention in some areas the way YOU would prefer. (Not saying anyone else would judge you, but your own preference.)

 

Can you do something radical? That doesn't put your kids in dangerous or failing schools, but that definitely changes something for the better?

 

 

 

 

[prairiewindmomma]

What time do you have to think and rejuvenate yourself? Maybe the answer isn't to switch your schedule but to feed your soul so that you can make it through?

 

One shift I made this year is to wake at 5, hit the gym & briefly read in the scriptures, and then begin my day.  It seems counterintuitive to to begin my day earlier and add another thing, but what I really needed was something other than the daily grind in my life.  I'm home in time for my dh to leave early for work, and it doesn't impact the rest of my day.  It does mean I go to bed earlier.

 

I also have a weekly date with dh.  Sometimes that's just that we go to the grocery store together on Saturday (like we did today), but time with him to talk is so important.

 

I try once a month to get together with girlfriends.

 

If you have so many unbudgeables in your schedule (teens must work, teen must have two music lessons, must go to music co-op, must teach all children, etc. etc.), then work on putting on your oxygen mask.  (I personally couldn't make your schedule work with my life constraints.)

[almondbutterandjelly]

I have an only, so no advice, but I read your schedule, and you honestly sound like you are doing amazing.  I mean, it's February, so there's the Februaries, and then there's your screaming two year old, so your sanity probably feels like it's hanging on by a thread, but to me, it sounds like the kids are doing great, educationally.  You are covering all the major stuff for all the kids.  You are able to spend some focused time on needed subjects.  It sounds fine to me.

 

Be kind to yourself.  Give grace to yourself.  And maybe get your two year old checked out.  :)  For your sanity, if nothing else.  Which is very important.

[busymama7]

If you really don't think you can handle homeschooling anymore (and I wouldn't blame you) and there are still 8 kids to go...can you move? To an area with better schools? Can your dh start looking for jobs somewhere else? It's a radical idea and you'll probably snort when you read this and say, "Um...no!" But just thought I'd toss it out there...

 

ETA: Now I'm feeling silly for suggesting it. I think you just need a big hug and commiseration. I don't think there's a solution other than time. When the 2 yo stops screaming so much, things will probably feel better. And I only have 2 kids, but we're the same way about not cleaning up as we go. I feel like we have to dash through our day already and there is just no time for cleaning as we go, so I totally get that.

No it's not silly. It's something we've talked about once the business is up and running as planned as that would make us free to live anywhere. The problem is by then I will have only school age children and probably all will be reading so that seems like it will be easier to me. One reason I don't want to try school is I don't want to get everyone used to it and then have to pull them back home since I'm totally a homeschooler deep down and would not want to move to school for everyone forever I don't think.

 

I think we could keep plugging along if I could get just a tiny by of relief. A math tutor for the boys so I didn't have to do math. And some household help. But we can't afford it.

 

I really want to keep homeschooling. I just keep thinking I will find the perfect way to make t work without so much disruption to our family life. I keep wondering if a more unschoolish way would work better.

 

But I worry about the little ones. I worry that the reason the 2 year old is so hard is because she doesn't have enough attention and the right kind of structure to her days.

 

If I didn't have th teens I would totally scrap it all and spend tons of time outdoors and go to the library (we manage that once a year. Maybe) and play games and read aloud and just relax more. But I just can't figure out what that would look like for HS. They would totally fill their time with valuable things because that is their nature. But it would be mostly music for the one and mostly science for the other. And I just can't figure out how to let go and let them do their own thing. But I wish I could.

[busymama7]

Also, if it wasn't for the 16 year olds work schedule I would flip my day and focus on the needs of the younger ones in the am and then the olders in the afternoon which would totally be better for them I know.

 

And before you suggest that the teen quit his job, he's actually in an apprenticeship for instrument repair and it's thriving. He will probably end up doing it for a living. It's really not negotiable. Like everything else 😒

[AimeeM]

Any Catholic schools in the area? Even if you aren't Catholic, they are open to you -- and typically have more scholarships than many private schools.

[HS Mom in NC]

OP, I'm wondering how old each kid is and what kinds of chores they are already assigned and doing daily and weekly.

There were only 4 of us on a farm and everyone over the age of 5 did daily and weekly chores every. day.  Teens took turns cooking for everyone at my house.  By 12 everyone took turns doing laundry. So did all the neighbor kids (on farms) with families of 2-5 kids. Is that happening at your house?

My husband started his own business too about 5 years ago so I know how challenging it can be. Not every phase of life is a good time to start a business.

[Jan in SC]

Is your 16 year old preparing for college? I'm asking because some people here do apprenticeships as an alternative to college. If so, can they do a computer program for history/science or listen to it on their phones/iPads? That gives you some time to spend with the younger ones. If your 16 year old is going to college, I would see what accommodations the public school can make with his diagnosis. The resource teachers are usually the most trained people on staff.

 

I would seriously look at school for any dc under 6th grade. Most elementary schools are just not that bad.

 

My oldest ds applied to lots of the competitive summer music programs and almost all of those audition deadlines have come and gone, so you might be able to take a break on music lessons for a little while, but if he's going to college for music, he really can't stop for long.

 

I'm so sorry that it's difficult. I wouldn't be able to do what you are doing now. I think you are very wise to realize that something has to change. I hope you find a good solution.

[Guest]

I actually have been considering that. Checking hearing and such. I'm an experienced mama here and I've never seen anything quite like this. Everyone tells me we've just spoiled her which is probably true to some degree since she's kinda the center of our universe 😂 and everyone dotes on her. I think it's that combined with an extremely strong will.

 

Anything and everything can set her off. Diaper changes if she doesn't want it can lead to screaming for an hour. That kind of thing. She is very verbal. Very very so I don t think it's hearing. But I could see if the dr had any other ideas.

This is probably not helpful from an advice standpoint, but my youngest was similar to your description. He was impossible until a bit after turning four and then he became a human being. I did have multiple tests run on him including two different allergy test, celiac panel, metabolic panels. I took him to the extremely outstanding neurological and behavioral center here. Nobody could give me anything definitive, just some "tips" on training him to be more cooperative. There were things that helped, but as spread thin as you already are, they may not help you. One of them was to "fill his tank" with my undivided attention for 30-45 minutes in the morning before I started the other kids on school. We would build train tracks and play with farm animals and make pretend food and do picture search games. This did help him, but this might not be something you can manage. :(

 

But truly, he was just insane for the first four years unless he had my individed attention and was right up my nose all the time. It was very frustrating and I "only" had two other kids. I often considered sending him to preschool, but I was afraid that he would either be abused there or they would just resign and say, "sorry, we can't do a thing with him. He's the worst child we've seen in our lives." I was afraid he would grow up to be a criminal because it seemed like he was incapable of learning to accept the reality of a situation (it's time to take a bath, to get in the car, to change your pants, to brush your teeth...). I thought he was literally unable to adapt to expectations.

 

He was though. He's a wonderful, creative, delightful boy full of energy and wit. But he really did test my metal for a while there...

[umsami]

Not as many as yours, but when I was homeschooling my 12, 10, 8, and 5 year olds....I would "assign" the older kids to play/occupy the 5 year old.  So part of their school work may be to read the 5 year old a story, or do a craft with him, or something like that.  It helped a lot.  They liked doing it, and it freed me up to do one on one teaching with the other two.

Could you do something like that with the two year old?

[abba12]

If I didn't have th teens I would totally scrap it all and spend tons of time outdoors and go to the library (we manage that once a year. Maybe) and play games and read aloud and just relax more. But I just can't figure out what that would look like for HS. They would totally fill their time with valuable things because that is their nature. But it would be mostly music for the one and mostly science for the other. And I just can't figure out how to let go and let them do their own thing. But I wish I could.

 

Having been a homeschooled teen, let them go for awhile. If you have two who need certain high school stuff for a transcript, sit down with them and talk to them about what the minimum requirements for those subjects are for you to give them a credit and see how they might be able to fill that fairly independently. You say they're self motivated and would fill their time valuably, would they do a few lessons of math a week from an independent curriculum, and read a few assigned books and work through an independent history curriculum? A bare-minimum semester won't ruin them in the context of 7 probably amazing ones. 

 

But, for the middle school ones and younger... you've been a good, consistent homeschooler. There's only 4 months of the year left, big family changes are happening... how 'behind' would they really fall if you just stopped, and passed the bare essentials on to independent work for the high schoolers, and went 'unschooler' for the rest of the year?

 

You're agonising over this, which tells me you don't just drop school regularly. You're not that flakey parent who stops school over every insignificant hurdle. 4 months of freedom, plus summer, might be exactly what you need for that fun stuff the little ones need, for time to adjust to DHs changes, for time to focus on the 2yo, and rest and recharge for next year. It wont hurt them academically, you obviously place homeschooling as a top priority generally. They'll be fine, really... 

[eternalsummer]

Do you have charter schools in NV, or other options for attending a school outside your catchment area?

 

If you must keep them at home, I'd try to do a couple of things: make breakfast a non-cooking meal.  You can cook some things ahead to be just warmed up, or serve something like bagels and peanut butter.  After school your older kids (the 8 and up, at least) should be able to help clean, get dinner, etc.

 

We have had many a "spoiled" baby (to whom much attention and doting was constantly paid) and I think your situation sounds like a lot beyond spoiledness.  I can't see a 2 year old crying for hours per day without some sort of internal cause.

[AK_Mom4]

Sorry, OP - that does sound rough.

 

One logistical thing I would suggest while you are feeling burned out - after the 2yo goes down for the nap, you need to lock yourself in your bedroom for an hour and recharge. You are scrambling around trying to play catch up on school stuff during that time, but you are actually functioning less efficiently because YOU are getting burnt out. Sleep. Knit. Read. Or better yet nap a bit. Recharge from the demands on being a mom to many with a high needs toddler.

 

Hugs, OP!

[Rosyl]

Do the bare minimum anyone could expect from you..make sure everyone is fed and has clean clothes. 

get rested

 

 

I have found that everyone in my house does better with 10-20 minutes outside everyday in the winter. The best winters I have had are the ones where everyone got outside to breathe the fresh air.  They slept better and my oldest was a non sleeper, too.

 

 

ETA: a lot can be learned from games for the younger ones.

Edited February 12, 2017 by Rosyl

[mommyoffive]

Everyone has great advice.

 

 

Make life as easy as possible. 

crock pot meals

 

Kids do all the chores.  

 

get rid of lots of your stuff

 

 

 

I know you said you dont have money for extra classes but how about free online things for the older kids

 

Khan academy for math and other subjects for all kids

 

mobymax is online and free  It has all subjects

 

coursera for free college level classes 

 

Reading Eggs always has free 4 week signups.  Reading and math for the youngers

 

 

See free things for the kids to keep them on task.  Take a break.  A week.  A month.   Learn to outsource some of this with free online programs

 

 

 

I think both would be great for your older kids. 

Have you tried that?

 

Maybe that could be your math. 

 

 

Have littles take turns playing with the 2 year old.   Does she watch tv?

 

 

Rest during nap time.  YOu need to recharge

 

 

Audio books from the library to give to the kids during nap time.  This can replace your reading to them for while so you can take things off your plate. 

 

 

Is it cold where you are?  That is hard when you just want the kids to play outside for a few hours to break up the day. 

Edited February 12, 2017 by mommyoffive

[TammyS]

. The next oldest is home working this semester and she doesn't drive yet so there is some juggling to get her back and forth to work. It is sort of close enough to walk and she does when she needs to. We need her to drive but we only have 2 cars so it wouldn't help much. She goes back to college n April. She's not much help practically because she is either gone or too self absorbed to do much to help me.

 

<snip>

 

We can't afford outside or online classes. Every single thing has to be me. And I'm drowning.

 

<snip>

 

The 2 year old is so challenging I can't even describe it. She is demanding and cries ALL the time. Hysterical screaming crying. She will not go to sleep for anyone but me so my whole

Life revolves around her nap and sleep schedule. I can't leave. she has cried for as long as two hours at bedtime in my husbands arms (or a sibling too). She just wants me and only me.

 

<snip>

 

The house is always messy.

 

<snip>

 

1. The oldest.  STOP taking her back and forth to work.  She can buy a bike or walk.  The fact that you butt heads is irrelevant.  Don't butt heads with her.  Just inform her that she is now responsible for handling this on her own (you can decide, in your mind, to drive her in really crummy weather, but don't tell her that up front).  Just refuse to talk about once you've informed her.  Also, present her with a list of non-negotiable (and SUBSTANTIAL) chores that she must do, without being reminded, as rent.  Inform her that failure to comply will result in a notice to move.  She's an adult.  An extra adult living in your home should be a positive help, or they should get out.

 

2. Take the 2 year old to the doctor.  If the doctor says there is no problem, empty that kids room of everything except beds and dressers and put a lock on the outside of the door.  When it's naptime/bedtime, matter of factly put the child to bed and leave.  Insert cheap ear plugs (which will reduce the painful noise level, but not make you unable to hear the child), leave, and lock the door.  Let the child shriek for however many hours their energy level holds up.  Under no circumstances open that door, or allow it to be opened, while the child is screaming.  If you are worried about the child getting hurt, install a video monitor, so you can keep an eye.  Yes, the child will be tired and worse for a few days.  But you must teach the child that screaming for attention will never again work.

 

I know some people object to locking children in their rooms.  I think they are completely wrong.  It's a bedroom, not a dungeon.  They will be fine.

 

3. Look at Homeschool Connections for outsourcing.  For $30/mth you can get unlimited access to TONS of recorded online courses.  It's Catholic, but you don't have to be to use it.

 

4. Once you have the 2 year old sorted to at least an hour of quiet time each day, use that time to take a nap, or at least lock yourself in your room for some peace.  Let the other children know that you are not to be disturbed unless they are bleeding or something is on fire (we call this the "blood or fire" rule and it applies to when mommy is in her room, on the phone, speaking to another adult, or in the bathroom).

 

5.The messiness:

 

A. Some of the things that you've described in posts need to go back on your non-negotiable list, just like homeschooling (hair brushing, breakfast dishes, etc.).  Daily care of basic things needs to be a part of your homeschool.  It's part of your job to teach your children to be civilized, which means you brush your hair in the morning, you don't leave your dishes on the table, you put dirty clothes in the laundry, etc. 

 

B.Some stuff, like making beds, or cleaning bedrooms, just drop it.  Assuming that the bedrooms are functionally messy, I would ignore it for now.  If they are such a mess that you can't function, then there is too much stuff.  Each kid should have no more stuff than they can take care of.  I think 3 toys for small children and no more than 10 for older ones.  Personally, I prefer toys not to be in bedrooms, but I know some people don't have space in the main areas.

 

 

[linders]

It is his intended major. And he is highly talented. He is great about doing what needs doing to make up for it. And he helps pay for it. He had laundry all sorted and running this am when I had to be gone without asking. He also cleaned the upstairs including the bathroom. When he's here, he's amazing. He is gone a fair bit. And due to his work schedule, the mornings are crammed with a tight schedule to get him done with school before he leaves.

 

The older one does walk as needed but it's about 2 miles. All the bikes that would work for her are broken and husband has no time to fix them.

 

I group as much for lessons as I possibly can. Maybe even more than I should. The junior doesn't have time to help and the 14 year old has a personality that doesn't lend well to that. It would be a big disaster.

 

Toys, yeah the middle girls have too many. The rest is under control. But the rest of the house is bare really just gets messy and dirty fast.

 

[Anne in CA]

They need to be helping. They need to be cleaning up after themselves, fixing food and pitching in however you need. I get it, too many people depend on me with our business and it is very stressful. You need to get everyone to help cook, or you just need to eat cereal. You need to get everyone to clean up before they do anything else. No TV, no internet password until the house is picked up. I know it's hard. I have to constantly make other people step up and it is nearly as hard as doing the work myself, but nothing changes if you don't.

 

And,  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

It's your life too. You should be able to go hiking or play a game once in a while. You are entitled to a life. Your own life.

[City Mouse]

I can't offer any advice, but I will say that even a poor education in public is better than having a mom who is miserable all the time. A year or two in a not great public school for the younger kids while you sort out the baby and the high schoolers won't have a huge impact on their education long term.

 

Just like some parents don't let their kids choose to go to public school, if you decide that it is best for the entire family for them to go to public school for a while then send them even if they dont want to go to school.

 

There are an awful look of kids who would choose to sit around and do nothing but watch videos at play computer games if they were allowed to choose what they do.

[TABmom]

I do not have teens or as many kids as you, so I don't have much advice, but maybe you could use Saxon's algebra with a DVD to watch for the lesson? Msybe they could check each other's work at the same time. If one of them gets one wrong and the other gets it right they can explain how they solved it. You could still check in with them and answer questions, but it would reduce your time involvement.

[eloise24]

Just a simple tip- I tend to want to wait until I've figured out systems all the way, before implementing them. I'm finally learning that sometimes you just have to DO IT. For example, tomorrow morning, when kids are done eating, tell them to stack their dishes in the sink. When lunch is over, remind them to clear their place. Then give everyone a simple job- one wash, one sweep, etc. everyone works for 10-15 min and its clean. This "just do it" has changed my house- before I waited until some fancy system was in place and it was paralyzing. Hugs! This too shall pass . . .

[maize]

My 4 year old was a screamer at age 2.

 

I survived by letting him watch lots and lots of videos. Not at all my ideal parenting strategy, but ideal is just not possible a lot of the time. If I were you I'd get a cheap kindle fire tablet, turn on blues clues or some such, and stick it in the crib with dd2 at nap time. It just might keep her happy and give you a tiny bit of margin in your life.

 

Ds4 has outgrown that phase and, amazingly, now spends hours and hours every day playing with duplos and dinosaurs and not screaming.

Edited February 13, 2017 by maize

[frogger]

 

 

Things didn't turn out how I expected and honestly, you need your husband's help. I want to be mad at him for you but I don't know, maybe you supported him in this decision. Now he needs your help and you need his and you're both too busy. It is too late now probably or maybe it isn't? I don't know if he would have a job available with his skills that came with a weekly paycheck and sick days where he could spend some time helping you! It is so much easier to be an employee than start a business and giving you a few more years so that two year old can take care of herself and has had more mom time to train or just snuggle would make a huge difference. Every single one of your children would be that much more independent in 3-4 years barring health issues or special needs. But no matter what the circumstances are you have to be the one to make a decision about what you will do with your 24 hours. I know I don't get to do things like I originally planned. Not at all, but I know I must choose what I will do and how much margin I do have now. I have to make the most of where I'm at now. (((hugs)))

Edited February 15, 2017 by frogger

[caedmyn]

I agree with TammyS about how to do the sleep training, except I'd start with just bedtime and keep putting her to sleep for naps however you can until bedtime is sorted out. And you don't have to lock the door...you can use a gate or two stacked gates in the doorway, or the childproofing doorknob covers on the inside of the door so she can't open it (zip tied if necessary so she can't get it off).

[Katy]

The only idea I have is to try and get the 2 year old more attached to her siblings by assigning one of them to "play" with her for 30 minutes at a time while you're doing school.

 

An ipad did help with our high needs little one.  Getting older and more verbal helped more.

 

 

Needy littles are hard.   :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[busymama7]

I'm glad to see this thread pop back up as I was to go find it and update.

 

I was stressed and a mess all weekend but at least it was the weekend. I woke up Monday morning with horrible nausea and just broke down crying. I was so completely stressed out about school that I couldn't face it. My sweet husband "ordered" me to take the day completely off and start again the next. I sobbed that I couldn't. And he gave me this look of are you serious?!? And asked if there was homeschool police. 😂. He didn't understand that what I meant was that I could t start again Tuesday. Not that I had any trouble taking off Monday 😉

 

Anyways we talked it over and came up with a few game plans. We deep cleaned bedrooms on Monday morning and then went to the park while my teen went and got pizza for us to eat a the park. A few hours of sunlight and playing and then good naps after made for better spirits.

 

However, by Monday night I felt like I had the flu and ached all over. That was when I realized I had missed my thyroid medicine since Sat morning. (Long story involving not having a car to go get it). Anyways I was able to restart that night and I also started my cycle so there as for sure some PMS mixed into it and today I feel so much better.

 

There are still all the stressors and so many of them come down to not enough money so I can't get any relief (easier food, music lessons, tutoring, house cleaning help. Nothing.) that combined with the long hours he's working is just putting me over the edge. I've done my best to just be easier on myself and not stress about not getting to every single thing.

 

We've also been planning or making changes with the teens to ease some of it up for me. It is not as simple as just making them work on their own because of their learning challenges but we are working on it more and also making plans in place for the CC next year. I just can't do high school all on my own while also having so many little ones. I hate that that is true but it is. We are going to use some free classes in the mean time to fill in a bit and we have some other ideas.

 

As far as the decision to go self employed, yes I do support it. It is hard but honestly he was not in a position to grow with his previous company and wouldn't have been able to make more money there anyways. He's making basically what he was before he quit but with potential for more so we just have to hang on. Which means just easing up expectations (my own) a bit for the time being.

 

My two year old is a bit better this week. We successfully changed her schedule to one hour earlier and she isn't as sleep deprived as last week. She's still demanding but honestly forcing myself to take them outside more and the park and such is helping(helping me too!).

 

I can not stomach locking her in a room to scream. For one thing she shares with two sisters and the two younger boys are right next door. No one would get any sleep and that would come back to bite me big time. But bigger than that is that she is so attached me to and just cries so sadly for me when I can't be there that I just am not going to rip her away like that and make her cry. We have other kids with anxiety and I can't but help believe that some huge shock like that would hurt her emotionally much more than it inconveniences me to get her to sleep. I am leaving for a 5 day trip in April though so I really need her to be able to go to sleep with someone else. We tried Friday night and Saturday naps and she cried for so long and was so sad. She just still really really needs me. That is my gut feeling.

 

Thank you for all the support. It really helps me to get others perspectives on things.

[frogger]

So glad you are feeling better and your husband is being so supportive. I know that its not like a day off solved everything but I have one with dyslexia too and it is harder to help them be more independent. I actually had to go back and erase half my post because I'd somehow missed that.

 

 

One more thought and I'm sorry if I missed it in the thread but could your husband work with the 14 year old on deciding on helpful chores. He probably doesn't have the time and energy to check them but if they aren't getting done you could mention it to him and he could deal with it. You already have to deal with the two year old who needs someone present all the time and that will drain you fast and you mentioned that your relationship is such that you can't ask much of your daughter. My 14 year old daughter gets along better with her father than me so I understand that. We love each other and share a lot but things can go sour and sometimes its nice to let him deal with something.

[Guest]

I am so glad your DH is so supportive and helpful. I'm sure a day in the fresh air was very needed for you all. I wish I could puzzle through something that would help you with your 2yo; that's going to be tough in April if she is still as needy. I understand not wanting to stress her out. My son was exactly like that, too.

[Xahm]

Hugs and prayers for you. For what its worth, my two year old who needed me to get to sleep and never wanted to be out of my sight is now a fairly independent three year old who will even go to sleep for other people. A few times he's even gone to sleep alone. Stay strong and keep taking care of yourself.