So. Hypothetical question

[Scarlett]

If your teenage son found a pair of clean jeans in his room that were not his...and threw said clean jeans on the laundry room floor...how would you react. Side note, family knows you don't like clothes thrown on the laundry floor in general certainly not clean clothes.

[lauraw4321]

Hahaha! If I could get my husband to throw dirty clothes into the laundry room, I'd be happy. He'd probably ball them up and throw them on the floor of our bedroom. Considering he's an adult, if one of my kids did that? I wouldn't bat an eye or think twice about it.

[scrapbookbuzz]

I'd say it sounds like a typical teenage-y thing to do. Not that it's right but their

thinking seems to be, "If it's not mine, it doesn't matter." There's no use in overreacting to it.

It would be prudent, though, to say straight to teen's face, "For future reference, please show respect

to other people's clothing. If it's clean, put it where it belongs. Only dirty laundry goes in the laundry room.

And it goes in the hamper, not on the floor."

[Charlie]

I'd put it in the laundry basket or washing machine. If it became a habit, I'd threaten to lose all the pants in the house, including mine. Nothing frightens a teen more than thinking of his mother walking around in her underwear.

 

edit: ;-)

Edited January 5, 2017 by Charlie

[regentrude]

I'd put them in the correct owner's room and tell DS, when I see him, that this is not the way to handle the situation and that he should just have delivered the pants to the owner (I assume sibling?)

 

This is so minor that it would not be worth any more of my emotional energy.

Edited January 5, 2017 by regentrude

[TravelingChris]

I wouldn't be happy.  Clean clothes don't go on the laundry floor.  Only dirty things that need to be washed - and I don't mean your whole load either.  Something like one towel that is dirty and will need washing with other towels.  Or when we are washing laundry after guests come, we bring all the linens and towels in to the laundry area and then start doing loads.

[Mimm]

Laundry is so completely out of control around here, I probably wouldn't notice.

 

[Garga]

This sort of thing happens in my house from time to time.

 

Me: Hey, Son, come here.

 

Son arrives.

 

Son: Yeah?

 

Me: Pointing at jeans. "Wha...?"

 

Son: Oh

 

Me: Put them away.

 

Son: They're not mine!

 

Me: Uh huh. Put them away.

 

Son: But they're not mine!

 

Me: Yup. The jean fairies must have made a mistake. Put them away. You know they don't go here. Put them in your brother's drawer.

 

Son heads off with jeans trying to decide whether to be offended or not.

 

Me: Thanks.

 

 

If it happened over and over and over, then I'd have a sit down and talk more seriously about it. For a one (or two) time thing, I'd just call him over and ask him to put the jeans where they belong.

Edited January 5, 2017 by Garga

[regentrude]

Now, if the jeans belonged to a person who is not part of the household, it gets more interesting...

[Garga]

I need to make a correction. I wrote earlier that this sort of thing happens in my house from time to time. Actually, it happens quite often. I figured it's just a part of raising kids. Some kids will be super clean and remember all the rules like that and some won't. For now I just keep reminding.

 

My husband got mad at the kids yesterday because they left a bunch of stuff out and honestly, he just looked petty and small. We had words about it. He got over it and stopped being petty and small. I agreed that the kids need to be more on top of not leaving out their stuff and agreed to help remind them to clean up as they go throughout the day (dh feels unsettled walking into a messy house.)

 

After watching all those people in Aleppo post their good-byes on social media, something switched inside of me. The stuff that used to bother me just...stopped. My husband isn't being beheaded. My kids aren't being bombed. There are empty cereal bowls left out on the table. Big whoop. "Kids, put the bowls away." Done.

 

I kinda hope that this switch is a permanent thing and I don't go back to feeling annoyed by the small stuff.

Edited January 5, 2017 by Garga

[EmseB]

I would not let it get to me. I would probably pick up the jeans, shake them out, and put them away.

[OneStepAtATime]

Now, if the jeans belonged to a person who is not part of the household, it gets more interesting...

:laugh: 

 

Last year we ended up with a pair of jeans in the laundry that in no way shape or form could belong to anyone in this household.  I have no idea who they belong to, how they got in our house, or how to get them back to the original owner.   :huh: 

 

As to how they got in our laundry, well, I don't pay much attention when I'm grabbing clothes to wash.  If it is a jeans load, I grab all the jeans.  

 

OP honestly if this was something that was a real issue for me I would probably just show them the jeans, ask them politely but firmly to put them where they belong, and clearly, without rancor or a lecture explain that clean clothes, regardless of who they belong to, do not belong on the floor.  If someone else's clean clothes accidentally end up in the wrong spot then please simply put them where they belong.  And would then mention this fact to others in the household as well, just in case.  Then I would move on and forget about it.  

[clementine]

I'd put them in the correct room & just let him know that next time you'd like him to put misplaced items on top of the dryer.

Definitely not a hill to die on at our house.

[Scarlett]

I just dont know why nothing that is important to me can be important to other people. When called on a small thing that bugs me.....I get no apology or cooperation. I get stone faces and bull faces. I can ignore it and just pick it up. Sure. It takes much less energy to do that then spend an hour hashing it out. But when do I matter?

[Jean in Newcastle]

How dirty is your laundry room floor? I'd just pick them up or have the teen pick them up and deliver them to the right person. I wouldn't be upset about such a minor thing.

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[purplejackmama]

Just stop doing the laundry. Your kids are old enough to do their own.

[MercyA]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: , Scarlett.

[gardenmom5]

he would get a lecture - and instructions to wash them. now.

 

I lectured my children many many many times - mommy does NOT like clean clothes in the laundry.  so similar if not exact.  they'd throw clean clothes on their floor (not even unfolding it.) then put it in the laundry basket for wash day. . . . :glare: :glare: :glare:

[Charlie]

I just dont know why nothing that is important to me can be important to other people. When called on a small thing that bugs me.....I get no apology or cooperation. I get stone faces and bull faces. I can ignore it and just pick it up. Sure. It takes much less energy to do that then spend an hour hashing it out. But when do I matter?

 

Please hear my heart on this, but perhaps your kids will be more considerate when they perceive you as more considerate. Hashing things out for an hour over laundry is terribly inconsiderate. And obviously ineffective.

 

edit: And considering this is on the tailcoats of the texting fiasco, I imagine your family has more than just laundry to sort out. Good luck to you.

Edited January 5, 2017 by Charlie

[Scarlett]

Yes in the grand scheme of things it is a minor thing.

 

What upsets me most is the total lack of concern or apology for such careless actions.

Just last night I came home to find a basket full of very damp clothes shoved in a laundry basket. Again no apology.

 

What is the point of every even pointing out anything that bothers me. I guess everything short of being behead or starving is minor so I should just never voice my wants and just suck it up....

[clementine]

I just dont know why nothing that is important to me can be important to other people. When called on a small thing that bugs me.....I get no apology or cooperation. I get stone faces and bull faces. I can ignore it and just pick it up. Sure. It takes much less energy to do that then spend an hour hashing it out. But when do I matter?

I think that people have different ideas of what is so important that it needs to cause tension or a fight/argument.

[regentrude]

I just dont know why nothing that is important to me can be important to other people. When called on a small thing that bugs me.....I get no apology or cooperation. I get stone faces and bull faces. I can ignore it and just pick it up. Sure. It takes much less energy to do that then spend an hour hashing it out. But when do I matter?

 

You do matter. The kid putting the jeans on the floor does not do this to insult you personally. It's a pair of pants. It has nothing to do with you mattering.

 

My DS leaves apple cores all over the house. Drives me crazy. I call him out on it when I notice and he is there,but mostly I'll shrug it off in the knowledge that he does not do this to aggravate me. It's not about me. 

 

Don't sweat the small stuff. (I also would not expect an "apology" for something like this.)

Edited January 5, 2017 by regentrude

[zoobie]

I would be pissed! He had to carry the jeans from his room past any number of acceptable places to lay the pants (and I'm guessing it's not rocket science whose pants they are, and I'm guessing you don't live somewhere he has to swing by vines from one room to another or leave breadcrumbs because it's so expansive a journey...) to THROW THEM ON THE DIRTY FLOOR OF THE LAUNDRY ROOM? It's so disrespectful and passive aggressive! Dude would be doing his own darn laundry.

[Scarlett]

Just stop doing the laundry. Your kids are old enough to do their own.

Yes. Yes they are. Just this week I went to work more....and sat my two teens down and told them I need help now...and gave them a laundry schedule to do their own clothes. Yesterday my dss had two,loads unfinished at bedtime......I had specifically said I dont want laundry left undone. My ds was home ahead of us so I asked him to reboot and he is the one who pulled damp clothes out and left them shoved in a basket. I woke my ds up and showed him the wet clothes. He went back to bed and I stayed in the laundry room waiting for the clothes to dry.....my dss came in and told me he would wait up for it and for me to go to bed. I GREATLY appreciated him doing that and told him so.

 

Then at 7 this morning my ds is throwing clean clothes in the laundry room floor. So it isnt about me doing his laundry.....it is about me not wanting clothes, especially CLEAN Clothes left on the laundry room floor.

[Tanaqui]

There is a reason I refuse to do any laundry that isn't my own. The kids are both in the double digits now, and yours are older than mine. If the owner of those jeans doesn't do them, they're not going to get done. They can just sit on that floor forever.

[Scarlett]

I would be pissed! He had to carry the jeans from his room past any number of acceptable places to lay the pants (and I'm guessing it's not rocket science whose pants they are, and I'm guessing you don't live somewhere he has to swing by vines from one room to another or leave breadcrumbs because it's so expansive a journey...) to THROW THEM ON THE DIRTY FLOOR OF THE LAUNDRY ROOM? It's so disrespectful and passive aggressive! Dude would be doing his own darn laundry.

Yes. He IS now doing his own laundry. Of course those jeans wernt his laundry so what does he Care.

[Scarlett]

There is a reason I refuse to do any laundry that isn't my own. The kids are both in the double digits now, and yours are older than mine. If the owner of those jeans doesn't do them, they're not going to get done. They can just sit on that floor forever.

Well, yes, except the owner of those jeans didn't dirty them or leave them on the laundry floor....AND 'I' can't stand clothes on the laundry room floor.

[lauraw4321]

I really used to feel the same way. I would get so angry over stuff like this. I sometimes still do. But it's just not worth being angry all the time. Because I would be angry all the time. So I try very very hard to let stuff go. I figure one day my kids will be gone and I'll force my DH into a man cave for his projects and my house will be orderly and clean. And I'll probably be sad and lonely and miss the mess.

[Scarlett]

I really used to feel the same way. I would get so angry over stuff like this. I sometimes still do. But it's just not worth being angry all the time. Because I would be angry all the time. So I try very very hard to let stuff go. I figure one day my kids will be gone and I'll force my DH into a man cave for his projects and my house will be orderly and clean. And I'll probably be sad and lonely and miss the mess.

Yeah, so basically I don't matter. And just be glad I have someone here doing things in my house who doesn't care about how those things affect me.

[lauraw4321]

Yeah, so basically I don't matter. And just be glad I have someone here doing things in my house who doesn't care about how those things affect me.

Why so passive aggressive to me? I didn't say that. He didn't set your jeans on fire. He didn't pour bleach on them. He was thoughtless with someone else's stuff. Do you think he was doing it purposefully to piss you off? Tell him it annoyed you. Ask him to not do it again. It is hard to impress your priorities on other people. It takes a lot of time and repetition and there's no guarantee it will ever happen.

 

You matter. Your stuff matters. Your relationship with your family matters more than your stuff.

[maize]

Probably I'd pick up the jeans and put them where they belong.

 

The teenager was rude and inconsiderate, but presumably I am working in general on teaching kindness and consideration so letting this incident go won't hurt. If the opportunity seemed right I'd remind him that making work for other people is irresponsible and rude and ask him to put the jeans where they belong.

[Scarlett]

Why so passive aggressive to me? I didn't say that. He didn't set your jeans on fire. He didn't pour bleach on them. He was thoughtless with someone else's stuff. Do you think he was doing it purposefully to piss you off? Tell him it annoyed you. Ask him to not do it again. It is hard to impress your priorities on other people. It takes a lot of time and repetition and there's no guarantee it will ever happen.

 

You matter. Your stuff matters. Your relationship with your family matters more than your stuff.

Sorry not anything against you. Just a total realization that nothing really matters. It is better to not care about anything.

[Scarlett]

Probably I'd pick up the jeans and put them where they belong.

 

The teenager was rude and inconsiderate, but presumably I am working in general on teaching kindness and consideration so letting this incident go won't hurt. If the opportunity seemed right I'd remind him that making work for other people is irresponsible and rude and ask him to put the jeans where they belong.

Yeah. I did all of that. Over and over and over.

[Anne in CA]

Honestly, this seems rude to a mom when she works and cooks and cleans I know it seems like disrespect, but that's just not the way a teen boy thinks. They are not wired for that kind of evolved thought, lol. It wasn't thoughtful or cooperative, but it doesn't doom the boy to  Thuglife.

[Scarlett]

Honestly, this seems rude to a mom when she works and cooks and cleans I know it seems like disrespect, but that's just not the way a teen boy thinks. They are not wired for that kind of evolved thought, lol. It wasn't thoughtful or cooperative, but it doesn't doom the boy to Thuglife.

LOL.....that made me laugh. Thank you.

[lauraw4321]

Honestly, this seems rude to a mom when she works and cooks and cleans I know it seems like disrespect, but that's just not the way a teen boy thinks. They are not wired for that kind of evolved thought, lol. It wasn't thoughtful or cooperative, but it doesn't doom the boy to Thuglife.

Neither are husbands, IME.

[maize]

Yeah. I did all of that. Over and over and over.

That's kinda what parenting is, isn't it? Teaching lessons over and over and over. Forgiving errors over and over and over. Caring and praying and loving over and over and over.

[purplejackmama]

That's kinda what parenting is, isn't it? Teaching lessons over and over and over. Forgiving errors over and over and over. Caring and praying and loving over and over and over.

Yep. Exactly. And the more you micro manage the more you have to repeat these steps.

[umsami]

If I was having a normal day, it probably would be no big deal to me.  I'd pick them up, have a casual chat with the offender, and let it go.

 

But....if there had been numerous little things that had gotten to me over that day, or the past few days, then I probably would overreact....and everybody (myself included) would be miserable.

 

:grouphug:

 

What are you doing for self-care, Scarlett?  How are you showing yourself that you matter?  Maybe that can be a goal for 2017.  It's something I've begun working on in the past few months and I think it has helped my entire family.

[eternalsummer]

I don't understand the situation exactly.  Possibly I misread.

 

Where did he get these jeans that weren't his?  Did he go in someone else's room and take them out?  That makes no sense.  Were they just left in his room for some reason, or misplaced there?  

 

I mean, I dunno, if someone else misplaced the jeans in his room and he took them to the laundry room instead of returning them to the owner, that is irresponsible - but then, so is not returning them when you found them on the laundry room floor.

 

If he went and took them from someone on purpose and left them in the laundry room, that is weird and unkind.

 

 

If you want them to do their own laundry (and I certainly would!), in my experience the best thing to do is leave them to it entirely, except for instructions about how to use the machines correctly.  If they want to leave laundry undone until the next day, or whatever, that is their deal, kwim?  They'll learn soon enough that day old laundry smells bad.

[eternalsummer]

On the other hand, if the laundry room's cleanliness and order are super important to you, and you are unwilling to do all the work necessary to keep them that way (that is, you want your kids/husband to buy into doing the laundry a certain way), then you'll have to explain it to them in those terms and hope they are willing to accommodate.  I generally find that each person is able/willing to accommodate a few things in others - I can tolerate loud music and not making chewing noises, and DH can accommodate forgetfulness and the kids are okay with keeping the floors super clean, but if I were demanding about a bunch of different things it would be harder to get them to buy into doing them all exactly my way.

[Scarlett]

I don't understand the situation exactly. Possibly I misread.

 

Where did he get these jeans that weren't his? Did he go in someone else's room and take them out? That makes no sense. Were they just left in his room for some reason, or misplaced there?

 

I mean, I dunno, if someone else misplaced the jeans in his room and he took them to the laundry room instead of returning them to the owner, that is irresponsible - but then, so is not returning them when you found them on the laundry room floor.

 

If he went and took them from someone on purpose and left them in the laundry room, that is weird and unkind.

 

 

If you want them to do their own laundry (and I certainly would!), in my experience the best thing to do is leave them to it entirely, except for instructions about how to use the machines correctly. If they want to leave laundry undone until the next day, or whatever, that is their deal, kwim? They'll learn soon enough that day old laundry smells bad.

A pair of jeans that belonged to someone else were put in his room in error. When he put them on this morning and realized they weren't his....he took them to the laundry room and tossed them on the floor.

[Garga]

You sound exactly (exactly!) like my dh did last night. I should put him on here so you can get some sympathy. He was getting petulant about his aggravations in front of the kids. That was wrong. On the other hand, we had not been taking him seriously when he said it bothered him to come home to stuff strewn about the house. That was wrong. I made sure to give the kids gentle reminders to pick up their stuff more often throughout the day today.

 

Have you tried a checklist?

 

One of my sons has adhd, and here's what they suggest for an adhd person. It probably will work great with a non-adhd person and much faster. It can take weeks for an adhd/executive function-type person to be able to do complex jobs independently.

 

1. Write a complete list of how to complete the job (the laundry.).

2. When the person does NOT complete the job properly (and they won't--for adhd/executive function people, this can be for WEEKS), call them over to the list and show them the step they missed.

3. After a few weeks, when they still miss a step (when, not if), call them over and don't point to the list, just ask, "So, what step did you miss?" They can look it up themselves. You want them to look it up themselves on the list.

4. After a few weeks of this, don't check up on them, but ask, "Did you complete all the steps?" Let them think it through. Remind them to consult the list...then check.

5. Give them rewards along the way. The reward is something you agreed upon at the beginning and it's earned when the person has performed the task in whatever parameters you agreed upon, like:

 

"When I check on your laundry and you've done it correctly per the list with only 1 reminder from me for each load for a week, we'll do X."

"When I check on your laundry and you've done it correctly per the list with only 1 reminder from me for ALL the loads for a week, we'll do Y."

"When I check on your laundry and you've done it correctly per the list with NO reminders from me for ALL the loads for a week, we'll do Z."

 

That's called scaffolding. It's a ton of work. You give the person clear, written instructions, you've given them mini-rewards as they start to figure out how to do the job without reminders, and you've given them a slightly bigger reward when they finally get to the point when they can handle it 100% by themselves.

 

If the kids are consistently not doing what you ask, check yourself that you're not being petulant in front of them. Then consider that they might need scaffolding in the form of detailed lists.

 

You may respond with more info that will make this post pointless, but I thought I'd throw it out there since it's something we're dealing with here, too, only my dh is the one feeling marginalized.

 

I got this either from That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week, or from Smart, But Scattered--can't remember which. Also, from Hold On To Your Kids, I learned that before you make a request, be sure to reconnect with the kids. Some eye-contact, a smile. Reconnect after every time apart. A time apart includes physically apart or mentally. So, if you first come in the door, reconnect with a smile, eye-contact and a few minutes of conversation. If you are mentally apart (watching a movie for instance), reconnect again. The boys respond to me much more humanly (and not bullishly) when we've reconnected.

Edited January 5, 2017 by Garga

[Scarlett]

Yep. Exactly. And the more you micro manage the more you have to repeat these steps.

So like I said earlier..stop caring about stuff. That seems to be the solution.

 

Too unreasonable to expect a nearly grown boy to NOT throw clothes on the laundry room floor and ESPECIALLY not to,to throw CLEAN clothes on the laundry room floor.

 

And honestly it isn't even the clean jeans on the floor. It is the total lack of concern. Lack of apology. Dismissive.

[HS Mom in NC]

Did you mean for this to be a JAWM thread?  Based on your responses to people telling you how they would respond (and you did specifically ask how we would respond) it seems like you only wanted responses that matched yours. If that was your expectation it should've been explicitly stated.

 

Yeah, so basically I don't matter.

 

If you choose to personalize annoying teen behavior, you're voluntarily signing up for misery.  Don't voluntarily sign up for misery-life is too short.  The teen years can be a long hard slog because teenagers are usually annoying people-it's not about you. If you can't let go of things it's going to be far worse.  Don't choose to make it far worse. Don't make this symbolic of the relationship or make huge, general, all or nothing type statements about it's meaning or about it characterizing your relationship. An annoying teenager (most likely impulsively) threw some clean clothes on the floor even though he has been told in the past it really bothers you. That isn't out of the norm or a big deal in and of itself.  Is this part of a long list of offenses not listed in the original post? If it is, why weren't they listed?  If it's not, this is not a huge deal in the scheme of things.

I'd tell the offending kid to go get the laundry and put it where it belongs and what will happen if he pulls that crap again. He can do all the household laundry for the next month.  Then he'll better appreciate how annoying it is to mishandle clean laundry.

Also, my kids do all of their own laundry by the time they're 10.

[J-rap]

I don't think you should take it personally.  It's not about you.  It's about the teenage brain.  They don't see things in the same light.  I sure didn't!  I wouldn't make a big deal of it.  But next time I saw him, I'd simply tell him the jeans were clean, and to please pick them up and bring them to their owner.  If he wasn't around, I suppose I'd just pick them up myself.  Maybe he really thought they were dirty.

[Lady Florida.]

You specifically asked in this hypothetical situation "how would you react?" And when people said it wouldn't be a big deal, you responded with variations of "So I don't matter.". Was this a JAWM? Because obviously most people (including me) would not consider this a big deal. Inconsiderate, yes. Big deal, no. And when they told you that, you didn't want to hear it. Perhaps you could edit the title to add JAWM and vent.

Edited January 5, 2017 by Lady Florida.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

So like I said earlier..stop caring about stuff. That seems to be the solution.

 

Too unreasonable to expect a nearly grown boy to NOT throw clothes on the laundry room floor and ESPECIALLY not to,to throw CLEAN clothes on the laundry room floor.

 

And honestly it isn't even the clean jeans on the floor. It is the total lack of concern. Lack of apology. Dismissive.

 

 

Yes. Because eventually (soon!) they'll be out of the house and it will no longer be your problem anyway. And when it's their own place that they're messing up, they'll begin to understand all those things you were trying to tell them all along, and they'll stop throwing other people's clean clothes on the floor. Or maybe they won't. Either way, you're not the one dealing with it. 

 

It took me until I was an adult with my own children to understand why my mother used to freak out when I was a teenager and used her towel after I showered because I left mine in my room. No matter how much she asked/cajoled/yelled, I thought she was an irrational nag. Some lessons need to be learned through experience. It's just one of the facts of life. 

 

ETA: Also, I'm pretty sure the bolded can be found under the entry for "teenager" in the dictionary. You can keep banging your head on that wall, but the wall can hold out longer than you can. It's pretty thick!

 

ETA again: I've just been through these mental acrobatics over dishes going in the sink vs. in the dishwasher (which one must WALK PAST to get to the sink--I'm still a little bitter). I've given up on creating conflict in the house over it, for the most part. Which is not to say I don't still call the offender (including DH  :glare: ) back into the kitchen and remind them about the dishwasher because I am not the maid. But I really try not to take it personally anymore. So I understand where you're coming from. It's fine to still instruct, but getting angry just isn't going to get you anywhere and will probably set your cause back instead. 

Edited January 5, 2017 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[Scarlett]

You sound exactly (exactly!) like my dh did last night. I should put him on here so you can get some sympathy. He was getting petulant about his aggravations in front of the kids. That was wrong. On the other hand, we had not been taking him seriously when he said it bothered him to come home to stuff strewn about the house. That was wrong. I made sure to give the kids gentle reminders to pick up their stuff more often throughout the day today.

 

Have you tried a checklist?

 

One of my sons has adhd, and here's what they suggest for an adhd person. It probably will work great with a non-adhd person and much faster. It can take weeks for an adhd/executive function-type person to be able to do complex jobs independently.

 

1. Write a complete list of how to complete the job (the laundry.).

2. When the person does NOT complete the job properly (and they won't--for adhd/executive function people, this can be for WEEKS), call them over to the list and show them the step they missed.

3. After a few weeks, when they still miss a step (when, not if), call them over and don't point to the list, just ask, "So, what step did you miss?" They can look it up themselves. You want them to look it up themselves on the list.

4. After a few weeks of this, don't check up on them, but ask, "Did you complete all the steps?" Let them think it through. Remind them to consult the list...then check.

5. Give them rewards along the way. The reward is something you agreed upon at the beginning and it's earned when the person has performed the task in whatever parameters you agreed upon, like:

 

"When I check on your laundry and you've done it correctly per the list with only 1 reminder from me for each load for a week, we'll do X."

"When I check on your laundry and you've done it correctly per the list with only 1 reminder from me for ALL the loads for a week, we'll do Y."

"When I check on your laundry and you've done it correctly per the list with NO reminders from me for ALL the loads for a week, we'll do Z."

 

That's called scaffolding. It's a ton of work. You give the person clear, written instructions, you've given them mini-rewards as they start to figure out how to do the job without reminders, and you've given them a slightly bigger reward when they finally get to the point when they can handle it 100% by themselves.

 

If the kids are consistently not doing what you ask, check yourself that you're not being petulant in front of them. Then consider that they might need scaffolding in the form of detailed lists.

 

You may respond with more info that will make this post pointless, but I thought I'd throw it out there since it's something we're dealing with here, too, only my dh is the one feeling marginalized.

 

I got this either from That Crumpled Paper Was Due Last Week, or from Smart, But Scattered--can't remember which. Also, from Hold On To Your Kids, I learned that before you make a request, be sure to reconnect with the kids. Some eye-contact, a smile. Reconnect after every time apart. A time apart includes physically apart or mentally. So, if you first come in the door, reconnect with a smile, eye-contact and a few minutes of conversation. If you are mentally apart (watching a movie for instance), reconnect again. The boys respond to me much more humanly (and not bullishly) when we've reconnected.

Here is the thing. I did make a check list. There were not many things on this list.

Boy A do your laundry on these two days

Boy B do your laundry on these two days.

Here is the list of how to do laundry. Wash dry, fold put away. Don't leave clothes in washer or dryer.

So Monday was boy As first day of laundry. We had all,been gone all weekend and there was a lot of laundry....so I reminded him of the schedule and helped him finish up because of the extra laundry and it being the first day of new schedule.

Tuesday it was boy Bs laundry day.....after Bible study at 10 p.m I learn there is laundry in the washer and dryer. I say calmly and kindly, ' well that is exactly what I don't want to happen...I need the laundry finished during the day before we all get home. ' so before we get home I call Boy A and ask him to reboot. He takes very damp clothes out of the dryer and shoves in basket and puts towels in dryer.

 

Boy B has the decency to come in and tell me he would finish up ( it was his laundry)

 

All I can figure is that I can expect nothing of anyone.

[purplejackmama]

So like I said earlier..stop caring about stuff. That seems to be the solution.

 

Too unreasonable to expect a nearly grown boy to NOT throw clothes on the laundry room floor and ESPECIALLY not to,to throw CLEAN clothes on the laundry room floor.

 

And honestly it isn't even the clean jeans on the floor. It is the total lack of concern. Lack of apology. Dismissive.

You can care about EVERY.THING. You can chose to react anyway you want, to whatever situation life throws your way. I think what *some* of us are trying to make you see is that this doesn't have to piss you off. You can shrug off this behavior you deem as disrespectful as brain dead teenage behavior and let it go. Don't view this as him disregarding you or not caring about you. It's just jeans. He was in a hurry. It's over.

 

Or be mad.

 

It's your choice.